Girls play with dolls, boys play with soldiers. Later, girls watch romance stories, while boys chose action movies. Soon, boys stick with boys and girls with girls. If you see a child acting different, it could be a sign that it is not 100% male or 100% female. All of us have a little drop of the opposite sex inside us, known as Animus (the man part of a woman) and Anima (the woman part of a man). Some will only have a desire to become the opposite sex (in their fantasies or only in their intimacy). Others will go further, to hidden cross-dressing. Finally, others will go further away, to use hormones, implants and finally the complete surgery to change their gender. There are many factors that influence the way this transformation happens and up to what level, but an experimented eye will see them in early childhood.
Quotes from documentary about transgender people
I am in the railway station, waiting the evening train to go upstream, to the mines. Then, it will return, bringing Alia - Atan back home. Spring has come and now the need for coal is far lower then before. As in all years miners get more free days during this time. Anyway, they need this, to work in in their gardens and fields. I am happy that he will be more time home. We have so many things to do. We must make tobacco seedlings, to spread them through the village. Then, when time will come, people will come to us to sell tobacco. And at that point we will sell the biggest part to Stromboli, while the rest we will use to make handmade cigarettes. This will take a lot of time.
It is not easy to make the seedlings. It takes patience. First, I needed to get to Jupiter and purchase a lot of plastic plates, then make the mixture of ground and cow manure. I plant the seeds and give them water as needed. They are all in the house, placed one on top of the other, in a complex multi-level structure. People come from time to time to take the seedlings. I used to give them for free. Now, since not all of them bring tobacco leaves to me, I sell them for the equivalent of a pack of cigarettes.
Now, I am in the railway station. I light a cigarette and take a deep inhale. How many happy lungs I've done? I've seen in the civilized world, a pack of cigarettes is sold with 5 $, while our contraband cigarettes are between 2 and 3 $. Here, you get 5 packs with 1 $. How many people don't have that money to buy original cigarettes? From here, I am feeding their addiction. May them all be happy! I am strongly convinced that I am doing a good thing.
The train arrives and a few people jump down from it. My attention falls on a fat man, which came with two bodyguards. He is Stromboli. In the civilized world, he would be considered as a mafia godfather, but here, he is a businessman who made a fortune from tobacco market. He directly comes to me. I signal the train to go, then come to him. He is different from other people. He has clean shoes, trousers of a good material and an ironed cotton shirt. He always wears a hat and spreads the smell of expensive perfume. His green-blue eyes always show pride and luxury. I signal the train to go, then invite him to the station.
"Greetings to the one and only!" I say. "I am honored by your presence".
"Ana, the precious jewelry of my crown", he says, with a smile.
"Everything ok?" I ask him, while taking another drag from my cigarette.
"The grass is flowing", he says (saying grass, he means tobacco products).
"The deviation in Land Of Dictators?" I ask about the coal train we placed a lot of cigarette boxes on it. "Was San Marino's?"
This will finally tell me if Stromboli actually wanted to destroy San Marino or not.
"Friend", he says. "The dogs barked too loud, so we cut their tails" (dogs are people working at the customs. So, this was a joint plan, to change or temper the custom officers, so they can smuggle more tobacco into the Civilized World).
"They should be castrated", I say (this means, take them out of their position, but not kill them).
"They castrated themselves", says Stromboli. "But the serpents awaken" (serpents are unwanted mafia factions).
"Who?" I ask.
He takes a cigarette and lights it, looking at the door to see if anyone can listen him.
"Sicily", he says (Sicily is a guy that operates in the Land Of Sands, but not with cigarettes. He works with drugs, human traffic and guns, things that neither me nor Stromboli will ever accept to work with. Stromboli only works with cigarettes, technology and clothes, on rare occasions with alcohol).
"We need to take their teeth out", I say (to take their power away).
"Legend of the lonely tree", he says. "Tell me when you see leaves and buds" (this legend speaks about a lonely tree that grew away from the forest. The fields were owned by a peasant who wanted the tree out, but hand no axe to cut it down. So, he removed all the leaves and all the buds from the tree. When new leaves and new buds grew, he removed them too. After some time, the tree became so weakened, that the peasant managed to break it and pull it out of the ground).
"Ana", he says. "He has sanders. I might need a cave" (sanders are extremist warriors from the Land Of Sands. That is bad. And cave means shelter. So, Stromboli might need to hide something in these mountains. We can arrange this).
"I have a few caves", I say.
"Open eyes wide and look for lonely trees", says Stromboli. "If you see a flying leaf, tell the bird" (if you see any sign of Sicily here, tell me or my men immediately).
"I will. You know I can".
"Yes, my warrior princess. I know you", he says, then tries to kiss me.
But, I don't let him. I instantly move my head away and give him an angry look.
"I am married!" I answer him shortly.
"I heard", he says. "With a transgender, as I guess. But in your eyes, I see passion, not fulfillment. You are in love, but not making love".
"That is our business", I answer shortly.
"How many guys fought to get to you. And you... almost killed each one. You are the only person in these mountains that ever dared to attack me. Even today, I cannot forget the look of your eyes, You looked like a wounded soldier, trying to take me to hell with you".
"You were lucky that you survived", I answer with a smile.
"That childish face of yours... Who could have guessed you are able to kill me?"
"Now you know. So, just don't touch me. You know what will happen".
The radio starts beeping. The train is coming.
"I need to go, Ana", he says. "Open your eyes and tell the bird. And make no steps" (don't let anyone know what you are doing).
"Sanders are hungry. Don't look like food", he says (Sicily's men are looking for blood, don't do anything that might draw their attention, they must know nothing).
"Jackals hide in the grass", I say (we watch hidden).
Then, Stromboli moves to the door. "Coke, Ferrari, the gifts", he says, as his bodyguards give him two small bags. He gives them to me, whispering at my ear: "Sicily wants brains and funny plants. Find his tracks, but leave no track. He will make you wooden" (Sicily wants to find trusted people and convince people to join him. As 'funny plants', he wants to plant weed or even something worse. Discover him, but don't let anyone see that you are working for me. If he finds out, he will kill you).
"Thanks for the gifts", I say.
"I just want to see the lucky guy that managed to do what my money and power could not", he says, as the train is approaching.
The train comes and stops. I signal nearby stations, then return to the platform and signal the train to go. Atan is on the platform and comes to hug me. But, before this, Stromboli gives him a pinch in the back.
"Lucky bastard! You've got the most gorgeous girl on this valley!" Stromboli says, as he climbs in the train.
"Who was that?" asks Atan.
"Stromboli", I answer, as we move to the house.
I tell him the whole story. He seems a bit scared, but I tell him that this happens every year. Ironically, it is businessmen that keep these mountains peaceful. Arnold wants the coal to reach the thermal plant. Stromboli wants the grass (cigarettes) to reach to the lungs. Tank wants his clothes to pass through. Rasputin wants to smuggle all his alcohol through our lands. They all want peace. But in the Land Of Sands, things are far more different. All their businessmen want war and keep the war alive, making everyone to suffer, only to keep their business going. People on TV see fights between different groups, but in fact, their leaders drink together on a round table. I know it very well. It is an artificial fight from which people suffer.
We eat and talk a bit about this. As Atan understands there is no real thread to us, we go to the house. We open the gifts from Stromboli. On the packs, it is written: 'This will make you remember to let no tracks behind you'. Inside, there are gloves. Long, soft gloves, that reach almost up to the shoulder. They are in four colors: black, red, green and pink. It is clear that Stromboli realized Alia - Atan is a transgender and gave him the same items he gave to me. This means one thing: that the rumors of a man with the soul of a woman, have reached very far. Now, everybody knows us.
We change clothes. Now, I wear a white and green knee-long skirt, with flowers on it. I have a white blouse with something written in red on it, with sleeves reaching to the elbow. I don't know why, I like clothes to reach close to my elbows and to my knees. This way, I show part of my skin, but not all. Sexy, not porn. I take the green gloves, which reach so high beyond my sleeves. Usually, I don't wear gloves even in winter, but since they are a gift, why not? My feet are covered with a double layer. I placed black opaque tights and above them I layered soft green demi-opaque pantyhose. Alia appears more feminine then me. It is said that pink is the color of girls. He has a white dress with red and pink flowers and a white blouse with some red on it. He took the pink gloves, which also vanish beneath the sleeves, tightly covering his arms. He also has black opaque tights and layered demi-opaque pink pantyhose over them. We also use a little make-up. He always tends to take make-up to extreme, a thing that I don't like. Girls like soft things, not strident colors. A soft pink lipstick will be just fine, with little contour of his eyes. Well, I work more, to make my lips green. We both wear a bra. I naturally have small breasts, his (fake) ones look larger then mine, but not with much.
There is something I long wanted to tell him, but I never dared to. However, today I open the laptop and show him, as we light a cigarette.
"I've done some research about transgender", I say. "As far as I see, there are men who transform themselves into women".
"Yes, I am one of them", he says, as letting a cloud of smoke out of his mouth.
"I've read articles about treatments with hormones, breast implants, fake breasts that can be glued on the skin, even surgery to change genitals".
"I know very well", he says", but that is not for me. I just want to look more feminine, without extreme measures. I don't want to go to surgery".
"I didn't say anything about surgery, I just wanted to talk with you about this".
"This is the way I like to feel", he says. "Clothes, pantyhose, painted hair and some make-up, this is enough for me".
"Very good, Alia, then", I continue.
"I know about body transformations, but it just is too much. Do you want to transform me?"
"No, if you don't like. If you feel happy the way you are, it is perfect for me", I answer with a smile.
"Anyway, it is too expensive", he says. "And once you do it, there is no way back".
As he talks, I type in Google search smoking shemale. Immediately, I find a video that I wanted to show him.
"This is what I found today", I said. "I found the word 'shemale' and tried to understand what this is. For the moment, I don't know what they are. Are they men who transformed into this? Or they are born this way?"
"This question I long had in my mind", he says. "They look feminine enough, but have a penis. I think most are men which made breast implants and dress like women. but there might also be some people born like this".
The video that uploads is about a shemale that is smoking, but also masturbating. She (or he) doesn't do it in a provocative way and is filmed from one side.
"There are many videos that are porn and I don't like at all. But I chosen this one to show you. It was surprising for me to see something like this. I mean, she is sexy, not porn. Well, what she is doing is not polite. But just look at her, she looks like a woman. I thought you will be interested in seeing this".
"I don't want to go that far", says Alia. "Not about what she is doing with her thing. I like being dressed like a woman, but having body transformations is not for me".
Alia takes another drag from his cigarette, then says:
"I never imagined you can watch something like this".
"I can watch", I say. "As long as it is not sex, I have no problem against. That is the critical point. Well, I must confess that I did watch the Camelboys. They are a group of men, doing workout in gym. I liked to see their muscles. And I liked that they were linked to Camel cigarettes. They were smoking all the time, doing complex exhales while working in the gym. I like to watch, but not touch".
"The same works for me", he says. "Well, I long watched women with pantyhose, both in real world and on YouTube. But I never liked when the video was turning into sex. I just watched their gorgeous feet and stopped at that point. But now, thanks to you, I also have a new fetish and like to watch also smoker women. Still, a woman without pantyhose has zero value for me".
"Alia, when you were a child, did you play with dolls or with men toys?" I ask him.
"Well, I played with both. When I was with boys around, I played their games, but when girls were around, I played with dolls. When I was alone (and I preferred to play alone), I played with both. But, as a boy, I had almost only boy toys, so I used them. However, all changed after I became a sfenist. After that point, I started to be less attracted to male maturity. I refused to shave, I refused to use men spray. I think my personality started to change at that point". He takes another drag of smoke, exhales and then looks into my eyes. He has the look of a person who confesses secrets that must not be known. "How about you, Nicotiana? Did you play with boys or girl toys?"
I take a deep smoke inhale, then I confess:
"When I was a little girl, I liked playing with dolls. But I also played hide and seek with boys. At that time, I had longer hair, with a tail. I clearly was a girl, in all aspects, but I liked to be alone and play in the forest. My parents said that only boys go out in the forest alone. But that is like the life of another person or memories from another life. After I became a sfenist, I thrown my dolls in the river. Girly games were no longer for me. At high school, I played once on a computer with two guys, a game about killing monsters. I liked it. But the guys were trying to hangout with me, so I moved away. I guess it's my hate for men that prevented me to become a transgender".
I take a deep, angry smoke inhale.
"I guess you won't like your breasts removed and a treatment with hormones", he says.
"For sure not. But if you want to become a woman, it is ok with me".
"No, Nicotiana. I just want to be somewhere between".
We stay one near the other, on the bed, then, talking a bit about what will happen the next days. As things happen in spring, people at the mine get more free days: one day working and one day free, then on day of work with 3 days free, things can go up to 7 free days with one day at work. Atan will be here, helping me with tobacco seedlings. We also must plant our own. And not only that, we need to have a garden to grow what we eat. Unlike in his word, there are no supermarkets here. And anyway, who has the money to buy daily food?
The next day, he is free. So, he will not become Atan and get to the mine. Because every night at 3 AM I must go for a passing train, we never change clothes during sleep. We change clothes in the morning and in the evening. It will take too much time to change from bed clothes into daily clothes, go to the station, then return and change again. Today, he is free. So, he will remain Alia all day and will help me with agriculture.
After the morning train passes, we eat breakfast: bread, cheese, eggs and a big cup of hot milk. Then we smoke. We are two women, with long gloves, savoring our cigarettes. We do a lot of smoke tricks: multiple inhales, combined mouth and nose exhales and more. Anyone who will see us, will think we are two women and have no idea about what he actually is.
Then we wash in the kitchen. We change to a different outfit. Now, we have some old dresses, suitable for this work. They are dark gray and older, with something written on them, that cannot be seen completely. Time washed part of the texture. We have black opaque tights and closed-toe plastic sleepers. We smoke one last cigarette, then we go to work.
I start teaching him how things work here. He never farmed in his life. Where he came from, they have a lot of engine-powered tools that work the ground. Here, we have muscle power and patience. We start planting seeds and little plants from seedlings. I see how hard is for him to do this, but he keeps on going. I keep explaining him how to do it. Well, it's a terrible experience for him and he needs a break several time. So, I accept to do breaks and light a cigarette each time.
A few people lass along a trail, at the border of my garden. They go to their gardens, which are further away. Also, a neighbor is working his garden not far away. They look at us, more at him. None of them say anything about his feminine appearance. They comment that he doesn't know anything about agriculture. And it is true, he never used farming tools.
When we stop, he has wounds in his hands. I examine the round buttons filled with liquid. His soft hands are not prepared for this kind of work, but he shows ambition.
Now, let's work more on the seedlings. This is not hard, but takes a lot of patience. In each plastic plate, we mix ground and water with manure from last year, from my parents' animals. Then, we put a few tobacco seeds, only half a centimeter buried. All the plates must stay on a multi-floor thing, which is an improvisation. Every day, we give them water, with a syringe. It is important not to give too much or too little water. At this phase, they don't need light.
As we handle the seedlings, the noon train goes to the mine, then returns. We make a break each time. Then, we come together and eat. Well, in other parts of the world, noon is the time for lunch, but we don't eat much at this hour. We eat lunch at evening while the noon lunch is some sort of a second breakfast.
Now, people start coming to buy tobacco seedlings. I sell. Alia is not yet good at this. He gets confused in the way we make commerce. Not everybody pays with money. Most people use other things: they pay with other staff: flour, grains, corn, cement, lime, fresh vegetables... anything. What amazes me is that people no longer look so strange at him. In fact, they comment that he is not good at agriculture and laugh at the wounds he made to his hands.
Then, comes time for my parents to arrive. When they see his wounded hands, they laugh. My dad even takes him to the garden and watches him. He laughs, while my mother says:
"Is he born in a city?"
"Well, it looked like a town for me, but he said it is a village", I answer.
My dad explains him how to hold tools used in agriculture and how to work with them. It really amazes me that my dad is not making fun of his outfit.
As our parents stay here, other people come and buy seedlings. Again, my parents laugh at Alia, realizing he doesn't know anything about rural trade. Prices are not fixed. At some point, we exchange two tobacco seedlings with 5 tomato seedlings. The next, we change other two with only 3 tomato seedlings. This is so, because the plants are not grown the same. Everything requires a small discussion. My parents give him a lot of advices, but still rural trading is far from him. Instead of appreciating a bargain as a whole, he tries to calculate values. No time for math here.
My parents bring us milk and cheese like always and we give them a lot of seedlings for them to grow.
Later, my sister Cemis arrives. She comes to do our hair. She has a good style and is the hairdresser of our village. I like my hair to be not long and not short, just cut it before it reaches my shoulders. While other girls spend so much time on their hair, mine has not a particular outfit. It depends more on what side I slept last night then on what I wanted it to look like. She is different. She takes very good care of her hair. She makes curls of her long black hair. So, I invite her to the kitchen. And she gently cuts my hair, then paints it in green, as I like, also giving it some volume. Then, I move out from the kitchen and she starts working with Alia, with the goal of making a replica of myself. Well, when I paint my hair, I also paint my eye lashes (the ones above the eyes). But for Alia, it is different, because he has dense upper lashes, as men has. So, Cemis must partially epilate them. That is painful, but not as much as is when I epilate his body hair. Then, she softly paints them in green, but darker then the hair. I don't know what happens there, but Cemis stays too long with Alia. Well, their problem. Finally, they both get out, holding a cigarette.
Well, she is my sister, but I give her a two packs of cigarettes for her help.
Evening trains come, but this time Atan is not coming from work. He is here, with me, as Alia. Well, I feel something. Cemis said something to him. I see it in his eyes. In her eyes, all I seen is the desire to help and be friendly. Well, we eat the 'evening' lunch and then go back to house. Now, it is time to change again.
I want to take a dress that I like, even if it is more a summer dress. It is green and has a big white leaf on its front. But since it is not summer yet, I have to improve. Then, I remember that in winter, when it was too cold, we made pantyhose tops. Why not to wear one with this? Well, before, I never knew that you can make a top, to cover your chest and hands, from pantyhose. So, I take one, which is some sort of dark gray. I chose pantyhose of the same color for my feet. Inspired from me, Alia choses a black and white dress, but also uses a pantyhose top and matches it with pantyhose for the feet, of the same color.
I see he doesn't say a word, but I feel a tension inside him. What is this about?
"There is something with you", I say.
"Nothing", he answers.
"It is not nothing, I see it in your eyes".
"I was thinking about Stromboli", he says.
"No, you were not. It must be something related to Cemis".
I see a surprise in his eyes.
"Please, tell me exactly what did she say. I mean, what affected you".
"Well", he says, "Cemis was asking if we did anything together. She is surprised that we don't even kiss".
"I see. So, she wants you to touch me".
"Yes, but more then that".
"She asked you to... what I think?"
"Yes. But you know that is impossible", he says. "But..."
That 'but' makes me wide awake and watching him with my eyes completely opened.
"Please, Alia, say what is it. Even if you curse me, I won't hurt you. Remember that I sworn I will not try to kill you again".
"We are not making love, but I think..." he makes a break and lights a cigarette... "I think that not like this... Maybe..." his words come very hard out of his mouth... "We should try to touch a bit each other".
He takes these last words with a thick cloud of smoke. But I can see he is relieved from a big stress, he is even shaking a bit. I analyze his words. Maybe our relation has reached the 3rd point. Are we growing faster then our psychologist said? Steps in a sfenist relation are:
1. Failed burst - when the two are stopped by their wounds
2. Platonic relation - when a huge amount of affection grows around them
3 - Limited touch - when the two start to touch and kiss, but not much more
4 - Limited love - when things go to some intimacy, but almost never to sex
5 - Mature relation - the point when they are able to have a child.
"Nicotiana, I am sorry if I wanted too much", he says.
"No problem. Remember what our psychologist said? We might get into the 3rd state of our relationship".
"I remember", says Alia.
"So, what do you want to touch?" I ask him, knowing already based on his fetish what he would like to touch.
"Your feet", he says.
"Ok. Let's see if I am ready, if we evolved up to that point. You try on my feet, but if I am not ready, I will ask you to stop. Then, I will try on you".
As he sits on the bed, I lean on my back, putting my feet in his lap. I take a deep breath, then say:
The next, I feel his hands touching my feet. It is not bad. Somehow, it is some sort of massage. It feels good. I think about his feet, which are just below mine. Honestly, I like it. Oh, I need a cigarette now! But it is comfortable this way.
"Please, light a cigarette and put it in my mouth", I say with a soft voice.
And he does exactly as I said. When he puts the cigarette in my mouth, I notice the filter is a bit wet. But, amazingly, I am not repulsed of this. Even more, I like it.
I take a deep inhale full of smoke. My body so strongly needs it. I imagine all the nicotine hurtling through my arteries and vines, all the way to my feet, just beneath his hands. I take another inhale. Never imagined that I will like someone to massage my feet.
Then, I notice something. I can see something under me, under one foot. Immediately, I realize what it is: his penis. Well, that is his normal anatomy, so there is nothing I can wrong. It gives me a little freezing in my back and he notices it.
"Is everything ok?" he asks me.
"Yes. Keep on with the massage. And blow some smoke on my feet, please".
He lights a cigarette and does as I said. I stay so, on my back, smoking and enjoying the massage. At some point, I feel his breath, as he pours smoke on me. But more then that, I feel his hands playing with my feet. He gets to my toes, to my ankle, gently massaging everything.
I grab a pillow and put it beneath my head. I light another cigarette and watch as the smoke goes up, in the room. It is relaxing. And I see a huge satisfaction and affection in his eyes. It is like if, this was his desire for very long. Why didn't he tell me? Well, I guess that I wasn't ready for this yet. But now I am. He might play with my feet as long as he wants. And he keeps on moving his hands from toes to the knee.
By the time I light the third cigarette, I feel again his penis beneath. Probably it moved a bit. I don't know. I must confess that at that time I didn't know anything clear about that organ. I knew that it grows in size and shrinks back, but never knew how exactly. Only that this time, I feel no cold in my back. And it is far away from what I felt before. When other guys tried to touch me, it was such if their hands were made of infect, rotten meat... and I felt worms and slimy putrefied matter moving over me. Now, it is not like this. It is so good. I like it and I feel much more affection and some passion.
I think it took more then an hour. But, at some point, he stops and looks at me:
"Are you ok, Nicotiana?"
"Yes, I am fine".
"Did you like it?"
"Yes, I liked it. Did you?"
"Me? It was amazing".
"Now, do you mind if I try the same on you?"
"If you want to".
We change seats. I move to his place and he puts his feet in my lap, leaning back with the head on the pillow. I see his feet in front of me, on my green dress. A bit from my feet is visible, with dark grey pantyhose, like his. We wear a pantyhose top, of the same color, that covers my arms almost to the hands. So, I touch. I feel the soft fabric, pleasant to touch. I did touch my feet many times, also I touched his knees, but never had the chance to explore his feet like now. I move my hands all over, feeling the soft texture. As he did, I move to the toes and gently touch them. So strange! I can see his painted nails, through the fabric. I move my hands around his ankles, then up, all the way to the knees. I gently massage his knees and then move down again. He lights a cigarette and smokes while watching me. Immediately, I think about nicotine moving through his body. Just below my hands, nicotine is spreading into every cell of his body.
I also light a cigarette and start gently to blow smoke to his feet. With the cigarette in my mouth and with both hands on his feet, I am experiencing something I never did. It is a state of confusion, while my body feels things it never did. I even push my dress up, so that his feet now can stay directly on mine. Pantyhose on pantyhose. Some ash falls on his feet, more exactly on our feet. It gets mixed by my hands in the soft fabric. We keep on doing this for a while. What an amazing feeling, that I never experienced in my life! And he stays relaxed on his back, lighting a new cigarette and smoking, while I make a massage on his feet.
At some point, I stop. He changes position and sits near me, on the bed. If one can see our faces, we look more satisfied and exhausted then if we had a sex orgy. But for us, this was maybe too much for a day. For sure, it was an experience like we never did.
The next day, he has to go to the mine, to work. I stay here and continue my work with tobacco seedlings and with gardening. When he returns to work, we touch our feet again, but not for that long, as we did in previous day. And as night comes, we decide something that before this, never seem possible. We decide to sleep in the same bed.
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