A Life Ever Changing Part Five
Come Together

by Angel O’Hare

... Aunt Harriet then asked what color hair tie I wanted to use. My mom jumped in and said, "Let's match them to each set of clothes he is modeling."

"That is a great idea," Harriet said. So I was now ready to do the fashion show....

Aunt Harriet then said, "But first your eyebrows are just a little too thick." They did a fine job of with shaping; you just need a little thinning."

I said, "Aunt Harriet I do not want girl shaped eyebrows. I let them do a lot of things to me, but please don't try and make me look like a girl." Aunt Harriet, my mother and Mrs. Brown looked at me with ‘THAT’ look again!

Mrs. Brown then said to me, "Ricky, the look you will need to begin working is an androgynous one. Do you know what that means? What? What the crap did androgynous mean?

I answered, "No, I never heard of it before."

Mrs. Brown then told me, "A famous person named Coleridge said, 'The truth is, a great mind must be androgynous.' You already have an androgynous mind, Ricky, now you must appear androgynous. The word means uniting both sexes in one, or having the characteristics of both. Now do you understand?"

I said, "Please just give me a minute to think." They all paused at this and were I must say looking a little worried at what I might say next. Concern was on all their faces. My mom looked the most tense and Aunt Harriet was gently massaging my shoulders.

Just then the phone rang and all four of us jumped with the sound of the first loud ring. My mom answered it and I could hear her say, "Hi, hi Barbara, no, Rich is a little busy right now, can he call you back tomorrow? We both are busy and we have company. Oh, (chuckle) no, he isn't hurt or anything like that. The nurse that brought him home is Rich's new employer. Yes. He has a job at the nursing home. What? Yes, he will be starting Monday morning. Okay, tell your mother I will call her in the morning ok? Yes, I will let Rich call you first. Bye."

My mom was laughing softly as she turned to me and said, "That was Barbara, she thought you were hurt or something when she saw Grace. She wants you to call her in the morning. You are supposed to call her before I talk to Rita." (Her mom.) She chuckled again at that.

Now they were all looking at me again and Mrs. Brown asked me, "Well, what have you thought about and do you need us to explain anything further?"

I answered, "If I have figured this out correctly, you don't want me to look like an all boy or an all girl, but you want me to look like I could be either one?" All three answered me at the same time, which was a little confusing until I figured out they all meant the same thing and that was EXACTLY! I had figured it out, but now what? I then asked Mrs. Brown, "Why? Why is this step so necessary? I have never really cared what people thought of the way I looked, but this seems a little questionable to me. What happens when I go out in public looking; what was that word, androgynous?"

Mrs. Brown, my mom and Aunt Harriet (Who was still massaging me, now working on my back. It felt so good!) Tried to answer me all at the same time again when Mrs. Brown spoke up louder with, "Let me answer that for you, Ricky." My mom and Aunt Harriet kept quiet then and Mrs. Brown continued, "You will be working with all women and also be taking care of women residents. To look 'ALL MALE' as you mentioned would be a harder handicap for you. More than you realize right now. We all feel that you should look like your personality and qualities dictate. This will help you immensely in this field and we do believe in your personal life as well. Ricky, you are the most gender-neutral person I have ever encountered. Do what we ask of you and you will succeed far better and have a much easier time working with women. What do you say you just give it a try?"

Gender neutral; she said it like it was a compliment, but it hurt me just the same. I thought hard and deep just then. They were telling me I was not a boy or man. I was not girl or women either, thank God. But, what did this make me? When I look in the mirror I see a young man. I have a penis and it works like it is supposed to. Well, I hadn't had intercourse yet, but my exploration of this item sure had its pleasurable surprises. True, my voice wasn't a deep one, but it wasn't high either. Damn it, I look like a boy! This is going to be the toughest thing I have ever done and I just know I do not have any real choice other than to do it their way.

"Okay, I will give it my best" I said. "This is going to be hard for me to do and I will need a lot of help and support. Mom? You will have to help me with Barbara and the Nelsons. (My neighbors.) I just don't want to look so feminine people think I am gay or something. I like girls and I don't want to lose the only one that seems to like me as I am, ok?"

They all agreed and started to hug me. Even Mrs. Brown joined in with the group hug! The tension that was building in the room just dissipated then vanished like it never was.

Aunt Harriet took out my new pair of tweezers and started on my eyebrows making them less bushy as she had said. My mother and Mrs. Brown went into the living room to select my first set of clothes I was to model.

Maybe I would start a new fad! The androgynous look! I started to laugh thinking about it. OUCH!!!!!! Man that hurts! How do girls do this to themselves? I would remember to compliment Barbara on her eyes and brows the next time I saw her! Hell, I would compliment about her hair and nails as well!

This started me thinking about shopping for clothes with my family. With my brother and me it was mom would pick them out and ask if we liked them. This question was a waste of time because she always got what she had picked out anyway. She would do the "MOM CHECK" and that was that.

Not so with my sister. It was a whole new experience watching them shop for clothes. They had a blast! My sister would get all excited and they would take forever trying things on and picking things out. If my mom went to buy one new dress for herself and my sister they would try on fifty of them! Well slight exaggeration there. They would have so much fun.

I must admit at being jealous seeing this knowing shopping for us boys was a drag for her and us. Why couldn't we have as much fun? Couldn't I try on a bunch of clothes I would like to wear? Just to see what they looked like on me? Why not? Maybe I will talk to my mom about this and see what happens.

I came back to earth then and noticed my Aunt Harriet was looking at my face real intense like. She then asked me what I was thinking about and I said, "Oh, nothing that important."

She laughed and said she knew me better than that. "Out with it Ricky!"

So, I sighed, a nice deep sigh at that, and reluctantly I told her what I had been thinking and what I thought about it and then asked her what she thought. Well, the answer I received was not what I expected at all.

She hollered so loud it startled me she said, "JULIA and GRACE get in here and listen to this! OH GEEZE and double CRAP! Before I knew it the three of them were going to take me shopping for new clothes the following Saturday! They told me it was going to be fun and I would be able to try on anything I wanted and as much as I wanted. COOL and double COOL! I just wondered whose money we were going to spend. Well, they were happy that was for sure!

My eyebrows were done and we all went into the living room. The first set was the clothes I was the most reluctant to wear. Yupper! Those stretchy tight ones with the shirt Betty had given me. With those, a pair of sneakers that someone had put a pair of the light blue laces in.

The socks were not socks at all! They were more like tights! You know the kind, thicker than nylons and they looked like they were long enough to reach well above my knees! These were white. OH GEEZE!

Next I noticed a web belt of light blue. The underwear? Well the T-shirt was plain, but it wasn't like my normal ones. The neck opening was round and for over the shoulder it had two thin straps. The underpants? I did not see any, but I saw my mom holding a box. It was wrapped and I remembered Betty giving it to me as a present.

I looked at my mom and said, "I suppose my new underpants are in that box?"

"Yes, honey, and something for this particular outfit that we know you will need."

I took the box and opened it. It was wrapped in lots of tissue paper. I took it out of the box and unwrapped it. "What is this thing?" I asked. It looked like a tight fitting pair of boxer shorts. Then I noticed there were two pairs clipped together.

My mom said, "Those are underpants that support your privates and hold them closer to your body so you don't show as much. They will protect you from injury and keep you from being embarrassed at certain times." All three started chuckling and my mother went on with, "You know the times, honey. What happens when you get up in the morning and make me breakfast? She is smiling that knowing smile here. You have a hard time hiding that thing of yours in just your robe, don't you." She said this as a fact not a question. "Well, this takes care of that problem." All three with knowing smiles! Oh Geeze!

I realized that working with all women it could be a very embarrassing problem at that. So with a shrug of my shoulders I said I understood. They did look like they were going to be a tight fit that was sure!

Mom added, "Honey, you have to wear something under those to prevent irritation. Look in the box dear." What now? Oh Lord! Now these were girl's panties!!!! No doubt about it! Oh no!

So I asked the next question. "Why do I have to wear girl’s panties under this? Can't I wear my regular briefs?"

Aunt Harriet jumped in here and said, "Okay, Ricky, why don't you try wearing your briefs under them and see what happens."

"I will" I said and all four of us just looked at each other. My mom then told me to go change in the den instead of going upstairs. It would be easier and we wouldn't wake the little ones. The den did not have a mirror or a door! I had a funny feeling about this. I took a pair of my new regular briefs off of another set of clothes and headed to the den.

I realized that these were the most feminine looking set of clothes out of all of them. If I could get through the ordeal of wearing this set. I would be home free. I took off my robe and put on the new pair of regular briefs. Snug fit, comfortable and I thought they would be ok under the tight boxers. I then put on the T-shirt, light and silky, felt good, but did not look right to me.

Then I went to put on the boxer's and in walked my mom and Aunt Harriet! Aunt Harriet said, "I forgot to tie your hair back."

SURE!

Mom said, "Honey, we knew you would need some help anyway and I am glad we came in just now. You should put on your hose first. Oh Lord! I took the white long stockings and started to put them on like my regular socks when my mom stopped me.

"Not like that, Honey, you will ruin them that way! Let me show you." She took one and rolled it up until just the toe part was on the end. She told me to sit down which I did and then she put the end over my toes. She unrolled it as she pulled it up to my knee. She did the same with the other one on my other leg. She explained what she was doing while she went.

Then I had to stand up and she pulled them up to my thigh and smoothed them out. She said, "That is how you put these on. If you don't do it this way you will put to much strain on the threads and they will run on you. Okay?"

I said okay and that was when Aunt Harriet handed me the boxers to squeeze into. I do mean squeeze! I could see why I had to put the "hose" on first because the legs of the boxers covered the tops of the hose. The boxers were so tight they scrunched my briefs in the most uncomfortable of places! I could feel lumps as I felt around trying to fix the problem.

Both of them laughed then and told me that was why I needed the other type of underwear. (They did not use the word panties.) OH GEEZE! This was going to be bad, for me anyway. Okay, off with the boxers and it just so happened, my mom had the underwear mentioned ready for me.

Without even thinking about I just took off my briefs before I realized what I just did! Too late now and they did not even crack a smile or utter a chuckle. I put on the underwear and they felt real different. Smoother, cooler and much lighter they covered my whole butt and were cut fuller in the legs. They had a higher waist than my briefs.

But, I really showed! You could see right through them! OH GEEZE! My mom told me to tuck my penis downward and I did. I quickly grabbed the boxers and squeezed them on. Yes, there was a big difference I had to admit. My mom and Harriet both said at the same time, "SEE THE DIFFERENCE?"

I did and admitted they were right. It felt very strange though. My testicles were pushed back inside of me, which hurt for a few seconds and my penis was no longer evident. I had a smooth front! I was going to put the pants on next when my mom told me I had to put the shirt on first. Geeze! This was a lot more trouble than I thought it was going to be! I put on the shirt and it was snug just like I remembered from the store. My mom told me to tuck the shirt into my boxers. I did and thankfully was finally able to put on my pants!

Now these pants were the stylish ones; snug fitting above the knees with bell-bottoms. Stylish was what Betty had called them. I threaded the belt on and figured out the buckle. You slid the end of the belt through it and pulled back on it to secure it.

I reached for the sneakers and my mom handed me a pair of socks saying, "Put these on first, Honey." Great, light blue socks and they did not go up on my legs either. They went to just below my ankles. I now got to put on the sneakers.

I stood up and Aunt Harriet was waiting for me with a light blue hair tie. She brushed my hair and pulled it back tying it into a ponytail. A girl's style ponytail!

I was ready for my entrance to show Mrs. Brown and thinking of what to say to all of them once I got into the living room! My mom told me to wait till she called me from the living room. They both left and it took them longer than I figured it should.

I was just going to holler when my mom told me to come into the living room "Smiling" she said. I walked into the living room 'SMILING' and then FLASH and FLASH and FLASH again! PICTURES! OH CRAP! I was getting mad again! All three of them had cameras!

I heard Mrs. Brown say, "He's gorgeous!"

My mother had a huge grin and Aunt Harriet quickly said, "Don't get upset, Ricky, there is a very good reason for you to be wearing this outfit. Grace has something for you and her friend Betty made her decision when she met and talked with you." Mrs. Brown then handed me a letter.

It was in a fancy envelope and was sealed with wax and had a big "B" imprinted in it. I opened the envelope and took out the letter. Nice stationary. Mrs. Brown asked me to read it aloud so everybody could know what Betty had written to me. I paused for a minute just holding the letter.

I was so angry right then that I was afraid to try and talk. I looked at them with what must have been the old "this had better be worth it" look!

Mrs. Brown said, "Read the letter and you will get the answers to the questions you have."

My mom added, "Please don't be angry with us, Honey, read the letter." My Aunt just kept nodding at me.

The letter began;

"Dearest Ricky"

"By your reading this I know you have on the outfit I picked out just for you. There is a very important reason for this, which I will explain later on in this letter. First though I want you to know that it was your loving mother, Harriet and Grace who I met and talked to at length about you and a problem I have. I could not believe what I heard when you were described to me by Grace and my new good friends your mother and Harriet."

I looked up at the three women and they smiled and motioned for me to continue. Betty went on with, "I had to be sure about you and when Grace told me you had applied for work at her facility I saw my chance of meeting and talking to you without my problem being mentioned first. I was skeptical when I first saw you, but as time went on I was sure they were right and you would be the answer I was looking for." (WHAT? This was getting strange.)

"Your looks, mannerisms and speech were androgynous." (That word again!) "With little effort you could look like either a girl or a boy." Oh Geeze! "This is what is needed for you to be able to help my family."

"Let me now explain my problem and you can then make your decision if you wish to help us or not. We have two daughters that are mentally handicapped just like your little brother. They are more infantile in their behavior though and are older and much stronger. They can get violent and they do hurt when they hit and kick. We have been told they should be institutionalized but we will never do that! We have hired many caregivers over the years and most quit shortly after they started working, as the girl's got older. The few that did stay turned out to be abusive and rough with the girls. My daughters I found would have bruises and they would cry a lot when they saw the caregiver approach them.

"Ricky, this is very important and I stress the need we have of a strong compassionate caregiver with a heart. You must appear to be a girl for my husband to accept you as a caregiver. He would never allow a boy to provide care for our girls. I have recently been told the agency we have used for years will no longer send caregivers to our home. We have contacted other agencies that supply help in our area and they have all refused to send anyone. If we cannot find anyone soon our girls will have to be institutionalized. I cannot care for them myself. They are too heavy for me to care for and their combativeness I could not control. You are our last hope. Before you make a decision on this matter let me explain my offer for your employment and what will be required of you."

I was awestruck! I was numb, confused, hurt, mad, embarrassed and humiliated all at one time!

I must have looked like I was just hit by a train because I was group hugged right then! My mom told me it would be okay and I could decide either way, and they would not think badly of me. They knew what was being asked and it would have been hard for anybody in the same situation.

I looked up at them and tried to talk. I couldn't. I sat down and asked for a drink. My mom nodded to Aunt Harriet and gave her a key. My Aunt went to the liquor cabinet and made me a drink. My first ever drink, other than a little wine. I had never even tried the hard stuff before.

She came over and handed me the drink, which I gulped down. Holy Crap! I coughed and sputtered and they chuckled.

I took a deep breath and found I could speak now. So I began by asking, "Do I really look like a girl?" I did not wait for an answer and kept on talking. "This letter has me so confused. I feel hurt by it and humiliated. I feel like a freak that really doesn't fit in anywhere. What am I? I don't know what I am anymore."

I stopped talking and started thinking lost in my own world. I thought I was mature and a good brother and son. I thought I was a male! Now I am being told by those I love and their friends I am androgynous. I could be either with little effort! The worst thing for me to deal with right then was the fact that I was being asked to look like a girl!

Everybody here I knew thought that I could and should do this thing. WHY? What was so important about this to make me feel so bad about myself? I was so hurt and confused I started to cry then. The tears just poured out of me. I was being hugged and petted. I heard sounds but I could not make them out.

I started to calm down enough to just sob and that is when I felt a cool damp cloth being drawn softly against my eyes and face. I looked up and my Aunt handed me another drink and told me to just sip it this time. I did several times.

My mother started talking softly, "You are my son that I love more than anything in this world. You will always be my son and a boy to me. You have a God given gift that makes you special and rare. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is something to learn about, control and use so you can help others. I am so proud of you for doing what you have done in you life. The decisions you have made by yourself and your attitudes have always been mature ones and well above what anyone would expect from someone so young. You are what you are Ricky. Only you can decide what you will do with that knowledge. I am here to help and support you whatever you decide. Just know that you are not a freak! You are a boy with a rare gift and I love you and you are even more precious to me because of it."

My Aunt Harriet started up, "You are not alone you know! There are other boys just like you. Not many, but there are more of them than you think. There is one thing about your body that I bet you have never noticed. Do you know what it is?"

I didn't and said so. She then told me to feel my neck and I did. She then told me to feel hers and I did. She asked me if I felt any difference and I said no.

She continued, "You have a wonderful soft voice and you sing beautifully. You can sing notes in a range most boys can't. Your music teacher has told you this and that is why she wanted you in the school choir. Grace noticed this as well. Now do you know what is different about you?"

I still said I didn't know as I was feeling my neck wondering what it could be.

Mrs. Brown said, "Ricky, you have no thyroid cartilage, no Adams apple. WHAT? I never really noticed that!

I asked her, "How could that happen? All males have Adams apples!"

Mrs. Brown said, "Not all males Ricky, you don't have one." She smiled and said, "Now that you are calm, do you think you could finish Betty's letter? I think you will understand even more when you have finished it and you will not be hurt by what is says either. I promise."

I continued to read after a few more good sips of my drink. Those drinks sure started to make me feel better! Soda Pop, with a kick.

Betty's letter continued, "We will provide for any items you need including uniforms, clothing and all the accessories. We also will provide your transportation to and from our home. You will have a bedroom of your own which has its own full bath. All your meals will be provided and you will be required to do no housework. We have a cook, a maid and a housekeeper to do those tasks. Your pay will be $200.00 weekly." WOW! $200 a week! That's what my mom makes now! That would solve our money problems for sure!

"What is required of you is first to be trained by Grace or someone she chooses to help train you. You will not be alone at anytime while you are in training. Someone will always be with you to help and guide you. While you are at work you will be in uniform at all times. Your appearance must be close to perfection. This is a must. If you do stay over your work times for any reason, you must be suitably attired to maintain your appearance. If not in uniform then other clothing that suits this purpose. You will be caring for my twin daughters. Their physical age is 20. Their mental abilities are that of 2 years for most things less in others, and a little more for speech. You will be providing basic care including that for incontinence. They have frequent accidents. I must warn you again about their combativeness. If you make one of them mad, the other will become mad as well. Grace will give you more detailed instructions and all the information you will need."

As a postscript she added, "I hope and pray you decide to help us. All I can promise you is that you will be rewarded for your kindness and sacrifices. I know this will be a very hard decision for you to make. One thing I will promise you if you decide to accept this position. Your further education past high school will also be provided for." Then there was the signature.

I looked around the room and I had a million questions none of which I could put into words just then. Aunt Harriet said, "I know what you are thinking, Ricky, we set up a full length mirror in the kitchen. Why don't you come with us and we will show you something that might surprise you."

I raised my voice then, something I rarely ever do. I said, "WAIT! This is too much for me right now I need more time! I need to talk some more and really understand this. I may appear calm to you, but I am far from calm! I am really confused."

In a calmer tone I continued, "Please, let us start at the beginning and go over this again. Don't you realize what this is doing to me? What you and others have said about me? What all this really means? I have one real close friend and I will lose her, I know it! The Nelsons are the only other family that I can rely on for help and understanding. What will they think of me? No matter what you promise me, this will get out! People will find out what I really am and that is a boy. The reasons I might do this will not matter! I am considered a geek and mama's boy now! You see? The reasons don't matter to anyone else but us."

I wiped away some of the tears that were still falling from my eyes and down my cheeks. I looked at each one of them in the eyes deeply. I tried to read what they thought and felt. I noticed all three had tears as well. THEY KNEW what was being asked of me! But, did they truly understand the very high price I was going to have to pay? I didn't think so, because I didn't even really know! I had to really understand this and I hoped they had the answers.

I prayed to God silently and with all my heart and soul for His guidance and help. Funny how this thought just popped in my mind at that very nana-second! What popped into my head was this...

In truth God is not a he or a she. God is the perfection of both and more, all in one being. Man in his twisted wisdom decided to call God a He! Why? Because males ruled the world! Because males decided if they called God a She, the awesome power God has would be diminished in mankind's eyes. Could not mankind see the folly in this thinking?

Is the truth in reality to be a balance of both sexes? Being neither all male, nor all female? To find the balance each human being has within them, to be both sexes at one time? Is this what true equality is? To be truly equal in each other's eyes, we must be equal within our own selves first?

Thank you God, for your very quick response!

I looked up again and said, "I prayed for help and I got it! Let me tell you what I think the answer to my prayer is." So then I told them what just happened within my heart and mind. I felt very calm and even relieved! The stress melted away like fallen snow on a warm sunny morning. I felt at peace and was ready to discuss the sacrifices and the true price I must pay if I chose to do this thing. I already knew what the benefits would be. I added one more benefit. A better understanding of my true self and what I should be and what I could offer others.

I said, "To truly offer someone equality, you must first be equal within yourself."

I stood up then and headed to the kitchen. My mother, Mrs. Brown and Aunt Harriet just stood there following me with their eyes and their mouths open.

The women came into the kitchen a few minutes later. What they had talked about during that time I do not know. I was busy thanking God and pondering what was coming next. I noticed my mom went to the junk drawer and took out a pad and pen. She looked at me smiled, and with tears in her eyes, started writing. Aunt Harriet was wiping her eyes with one hand and held a suitcase in her other hand, she laid it on the table. Mrs. Brown came in last and asked me, "You sure, you are only sixteen Ricky?"

I did not know how to answer her, so I just nodded and said, "Yup."

She shook her head and looked at the other's saying, "We made the right decision." WHAT?

My mom was still busy writing whatever it was. My Aunt uncovered a full length mirror that she opened up which made it into three mirrors. Mrs. Brown came over to me and gave me a big strong hug! She even kissed me on the cheek! MY BOSS! GEEZ! My eyes got real big and she just laughed. Mrs. Brown said, "I have to go to my facility for a few minutes. I have a few things to pick up that I know we will need tonight." She told us she would be right back.

My mom and Harriet looked at her and my mom smiled saying, "Yes, we will need everything tonight!" Harriet then opened up the suitcase, but the insides of the top and bottom parts had covers so I could not see what was in it yet. My mother had stopped writing and came over to me and had me sit down.

She gave me a big hug and a kiss on my forehead. She then held both of my hands in hers, looked deeply in my eyes and said, "Any thoughts I had of doubting your ability and understanding of this are gone. The way you answered your own questions proved to all of us that we were right in believing in you. You showed you understood far more than we had expected and you taught us a valuable lesson as well. That real equality means to share more than we do now. We must share our thoughts and feelings to. I will no longer treat you as just my son. I will treat you as my daughter as well."

What? Now I was very surprised hearing that! How could she really treat me like her daughter? No way. She must mean within reason or with some limitations. I have seen what a mother does with their daughter. I have seen Barbara with her mother when they were talking about mother/daughter stuff. I have an idea of what private things they share with each other. I could just imagine what questions a daughter might ask and the answers a mother might give them. No, I think I know what she means.

"I should have realized this earlier. The bond you have with your sister is much more than just as a brother. You are much more than that to her and she knows it. You are a mother, father, brother and sister to her, all wrapped in one package. I have seen this many times, I just never realized what I was seeing until you said what you did." With that said, she hugged and kissed me again.

Aunt Harriet told me to stand up then, so I did. She told me to raise both my arms up in the air and I did that. My mom and her took a hold of my shirt and pulled it up and off of me. They then took hold of and removed my undershirt. My mother then held out my new robe and as I slid my arms in to the sleeves, she put it on me and left it open.

Aunt Harriet undid my belt and pulled my slacks down to my knees and told me to sit. She said, "We have to start from scratch to do this right. We were only going to show you with these clothes how comfortable they can be and with some well-done make up, how much of a girl your face would look like. After what you said and told us you believe we changed our minds. We are going to show you what you will look like as a teenaged girl." WHAT? Oh my God! I'm not ready for this. I thought they were just going show me what I looked like and try to convince me I COULD look like a girl! I figured they might try some make-up, but not to transform me into a girl tonight! OH GEEZE!

Now I started to think about what Mrs. Brown might be getting at her facility that she said we would need for tonight. It started to fall into place then. That is what they must have decided when they stayed in the living room for so long. What my mother and Harriet said and did after that. Okay, I understand now!

I looked into the mirror and laughed! I said to them, "You really have a lot of work to do to make over that thing," as I pointed to myself in the mirror "into a decent looking girl." I kept laughing softly and shaking my head.

I continued with describing the impossible task as I said to them, "I am just shy of six feet tall. How many teenage girls do you know that are six feet tall? I weigh one-hundred and forty-five pounds and it's not fat. My shape is that of a well-muscled boy, not as an in-shape girl. I don't have the hips or butt of a girl and my hands are wider and bigger than a girl's." I thought some more and added, "You women also have beautiful breasts that I lack as well."

My mom and Aunt both answered at the same time saying the same thing, "Are you through?" I HATE IT WHEN THEY DO THAT!

"Yes, and I suppose you have solutions?" I answered.

OF COURSE THEY DID! OH GEEZE!

As they continued to undress me Harriet started to chuckle and then so did my mom. This turned into real laughter and I stared at them real hard until they stopped. My mom apologized and said, "Honey, we are women don't you agree? We know what girls and boys look like and the differences between the two. There are also many differences within the genders as well. An example is when you are in the showers after gym class. Do the boys all look the same?"

She waited for my answer so I said, "No, there are big differences between them."

My mom continued, "It is the same with girls, Honey! We all develop at different speeds. Some of us develop more slowly than others and some much faster. You can't tell me you never noticed this at school?"

I answered her, "I noticed that, Mom, but I did not give it much thought before you just mentioned it."

My mom smiled and Harriet said, "Ricky, thank you for complimenting me on my breasts, but have you looked at yours closely?" WHAT? She can't be meaning...

I immediately looked at my breasts then and looked for some difference. My mom laughed and said to Harriet, "He didn't notice his lack of an Adams apple why do you think he would notice his breasts?" WHAT?

Now this was getting too much! I didn't notice anything different about my breasts! They sure didn't look like teenage girl’s breasts and were a far cry different than theirs! Of course I had never seen their breasts uncovered. I had seen them both in bras and panties before. I had never seen them nude. I must explain this I guess huh?

Okay, when we go out together to do something like to an amusement park or for an all day outing, we have a plan of attack. We use the seven P's. Remember them? It is much easier to shower and put on our underwear and robes to get everything together before we get completely dressed. This way, we will look clean and fresh in our clothes when we leave. No wrinkles or accidental spills or stains.

The two little ones are put into diapers and dressed. Terry always wears a cute party dress with her crinolines (petticoats). Her diapers don't show that way and she doesn't mind them if we dress her this way. She loves her party dresses with petticoats! (No diapers, no crinolines!)

Jerry is mentally handicapped and needs them for all day outings. We dress him in his favorite baggy overalls, which have his favorite cartoon characters on patches. We feed them make the picnic stuff and then we get dressed and pack the station wagon. Well, sometimes it's real hot! So we don't wear our robes. (My Aunt Harriet practically lives at our house.) Simple! Okay?

So I am still looking down at my chest and Harriet says, "Look at your nipples, Honey. What do you see?"

I did and saw nipples, so? "What?" I asked.

My mom then jumped in and asked me, "Ricky, a few months ago you came to me after you took a shower and told me your chest was sore, remember?"

I said, "Yes, but that was my chest not just my nipples."

She looked at me and added, "Honey, what size were your nipples then?" Oh GEEZE!!!!!!

They were smaller! I remember now! My nipples really don't stick out that much, but they are bigger around than they were! Crap and double CRAP! I looked at them both back and forth several times with what must have been utter terror etched on my face. I asked them both at once, "Am I developing women's breasts?" OH NO!!!

Harriet jumped in and said, "No dear, you will not develop women's breasts! Remember your mom had me take you to Doctor Purnell the next day?"

I remembered. "She took a lot of blood for tests remember? She also gave you a thorough and complete physical, which I remember you didn't like too much." She chuckled then.

My mom jumped in at this point and said, "The results of those tests and the physical showed you have a higher amount of estrogen in your system than most boys. Not enough to make you a girl, but more than enough to set you apart from most boys. You see, your testicles produce enough testosterone, which is the male hormone, to balance them both out. There are other things about your body you have not noticed either. What you believe you see is not really true."

What? Oh no, now this is getting to be a little too much!

Just then someone rang the doorbell. This time nobody was going to be "saved by the bell."

It was Mrs. Brown. My mom hollered to her, "In here Grace, we are telling him about the results of all the tests and were just about to tell him what was found during the physical." The physical; what about the physical?

While my mother was talking Grace walked in and she was carrying a large cloth bag with a shoulder strap, like a duffle bag, but nicer looking. She also was carrying a large book. Mrs. Brown said, "Great, I have everything else we needed right here. I also found a book that will show Ricky what we mean and what he can expect in the future." Well that was good news to me! Some answers with proof in pictures!

Now picture this, I was down to just wearing the panties and open robe by now. They have removed everything else and I did not even notice I was so intent on the new information I was being fed. I sat down looking at them, one to the other, back and forth, trying to put all of this new information in order and trying to accept it. It seems there is still a war going on inside me between my male and female halves! Especially in my head! I kept asking myself the same question. What am I?

My mom hollered at me then. She said, "RICKY!" real loud and I came back to earth and looked at her. She continued, "Now that you are with us again I wanted you to hear about what was found during your physical. This is also why we thought you could do this change. Marjorie (Dr. Purnell) found more than a few differences with you."

---*---

Now the ladies were doing things and talking while I was lost in thought, big time! DEEP THOUGHT! I was not aware of anything that was going on around me other than some movement and unrecognizable sounds.

I went over it all again to gain perspective and hopefully retain my sanity. I admitted to myself that I was different than most boys. Okay, I can deal with that. I am enough of a boy with my own production of testosterone to keep me, at least while covered, looking like one.

I do not look like a girl or so I thought before the latest news! At least I do not look like a teenage girl! What do I have that is different? I have no Adams apple, like girls. Okay, I have larger nipples than boys, but I do not have breasts like teenage girls.

Okay, without thinking I walked up to the mirrors and shrugged off my robe. I really looked at myself from head to toe then. I mean I really looked at myself! I started with my hair. I took out the ponytail and fluffed out my hair. Damn!

Then I took in my face. I looked at my nose and then my cheeks and my chin. No hair growing on my face like the other boys my age. Not even peach fuzz! I looked at my lips they were full and looked soft. I smiled at my reflection and looked at my teeth white and straight. I looked into my own eyes, hazel eyes. They held my own gaze. Changing colors flashed within them. I looked at my lashes, full and long curving upward and the lower lashes curling down.

I looked at my neck, slim, muscled and smooth. I looked at my shoulders sleek, muscled when tensed but smooth when relaxed. I looked at my chest and saw large pink nipples slightly raised from my breasts. I looked at my breasts they were tight and firm. I reached up and touched them feeling the muscles underneath hard and un-yielding. I touched my nipples and saw them stiffen, harden and push themselves outward toward my touch. Oh, so sensitive, I felt my own fingers causing sensations radiate inward and down. I then looked at my stomach trim, tight and the muscles clearly outlined against my skin. Ribs outlined my abdomen, clearly seen and hard.

I looked at my waist drawn tight separating my hips. I looked at my hips, clearly wider than my waist. I turned to view my buttocks. I pulled down the panties and looked hard at them. They were full and round, but tight and firm. I tightened them and saw the muscles bulge and show themselves.

I turned again and looked at my sex. A slight fuzz of hair growing above what I hoped was an average sized penis soft and flaccid. My scrotum is tight, smooth and soft no hair growing there either. I looked at my legs smooth with a slight fuzz of hair growing in spots here and there. I tightened them and saw the muscles show themselves clearly. I looked at my feet and toes size 8 regular. I saw what I saw and I acknowledged my differences.

I now knew what I was. Within and without I was me! To hell with all the rest! This is what I am! My true self is what lies within and without as one not separate and apart, but together as a whole!

I looked around in the mirrors and slowly became aware of three people looking at me closely. They were sitting at the kitchen table and smiling.

I smiled back and said, "This is me. This is what I am." No shame, no embarrassment, this is who I am. I turned to face them, my back towards the mirrors. I said, "I understand now, this is just a part of the whole. What I do with the outside must match what I do from the inside. I am neither a boy nor a girl, but some of both. They must be equal in my own eyes, body, soul and mind."

My mom slipped my robe back on me and tied the sash. She then hugged me and kissed me, a mother's loving kiss on my lips. Harriet and Grace did the same. I felt whole and complete in a way.

I still lacked much needed knowledge of what it is like growing up as a girl. It was something I never knew or experienced. I had grown up different, more boy than girl. I still needed to know, I never had been a daughter or sister. I needed to know what they knew and felt. As much as I could I had to experience what they experienced. Half of me was ignorant to the ways of life. I needed to be whole in mind as well as body. I HAD TO KNOW! I HAD TO EXPERIENCE! I HAD TO LEARN!

---*---

Mrs. Brown laid the book on the table and opened the duffle. She took out two boxes and laid them on the table. She continued emptying the duffle sorting as she went. There were bottles and more boxes of various sizes, mostly small ones. There were bags and tubes of creams.

Then I saw her take out some medical supplies. A medical kit of some kind, needles and a couple of those bottles you see nurses draw medicine into a syringe from. There was an ice bag, tape and several small packages that said sutures on them. I hoped they were not planning on anything drastic here! The site of those particular items started to panic me.

Grace saw my expression and said right away to me, "Don't worry Ricky!" She chuckled. "This is all part of a few kits I have brought. We will only be using a few items from each. I promise you that we will be doing nothing that cannot be removed or changed back by morning." She laughed then as I relaxed.

My mother was writing again and looking up smiling, now and then. Aunt Harriet had taken the covers off of the case she had brought and I could now see that it contained a dizzying array of different kinds of make-up and other items. I did not dare ask her what those other items were used for.

I looked over at Grace and she was putting on a white plastic apron that covered her from the neck to her ankles and wrapped completely around her body. She looked at me and said, "I don't want to have to wear this for long Ricky, it traps the body heat and gets very uncomfortable to wear after a short time. What we have to do is remove your body hair. We will use this cream to do that. We have to spread it thickly all over your skin and leave it on for about ten minutes. This other tube is an ointment. We spread this on the parts of your skin we don't want the other cream to reach. If we don't do this step you will burn in places you don't want to hurt ok?"

I told her I understood and it was ok. She then asked me to go with her to the full bath. I did. Harriet and my mom came with us each was carrying a box and a bottle of something.

We entered the full bath and Grace asked me to remove my robe and I did. My mom took it from me. Grace had put on some gloves and so did Harriet. Harriet had the ointment and spread some on both of my nipples and then my male parts. She then covered my anal area and between my legs.

I have to admit the feelings were intense and something grew to the occasion! The women chuckled and Grace told me it was a natural reaction and not to worry. For some reason I was not worried or embarrassed at all. I figured my lack of embarrassment was due to the fact that I had nothing left to hide. They had seen and heard all from me by now. I trusted them! I loved them, yes, Grace as well.

When Harriet had finished, Grace started to put a thick coating of the cream everywhere. She started at my ankles and started working upwards. My mother took a brush and while brushing my hair started pinning it up using Bobbie Pins. She took the blue shower cap and fixed it over my hair when she finished.

Grace was very careful when she reached my hip area and covered my buttocks. She asked Harriet to cover the small area of pubic hair I had with ointment. Harriet smiled and did just that. She was extra careful and it felt like she had drawn something. Grace continued spreading the cream all over me. My back and shoulders. She had me raise my arms and put the cream under my arms as well. They were done.

I had to stand there like that for six more minutes! I started to feel warm and the smell was not a pleasant one! I started to feel hot and the smell did not get any better! I got very hot! I felt like my skin was burning. The areas not covered by the cream were cool in a dramatic contrast. I could really feel the different areas!

Finally, Grace helped me to stand in the tub while she turned on the hand-held shower nozzle. She tested the water and then took a cloth in her other hand. My mom took it from her and told her to just do the rinsing. Harriet was holding a big fluffy towel. Grace started rinsing me with a soft spray. My mom wiped the cloth over my body that Grace was rinsing. They started at my ankles and worked up. The spots of hair I did have disappeared with each gentle caress of the cloth and the soft spray of the tepid water.

Soon all the cream was gone and my mom changed to a different cloth. This one was even softer than the last. Grace tested the water again and I could tell it was much warmer. She started to rinse my nipples and my mother gently washed off the ointment. OH MY! What sensations! LORDY! My whole body started to quiver! By the time both my nipples were cleaned of the ointment I was a quivering mess!

My mom told me she knew how good that had felt. Harriet and Grace just smiled and Harriet said to me, "Now you know how it feels when a girl has her nipples caressed. Boys do not have any where near the sensation with their nipples as we do."

I was now very happy to have girl's nipples as part of my body! WOW! My mom kept gently caressing and Grace kept softly rinsing. I was in a special place. A place I had never been before! I was lost in the sensations, and feelings that took me to new heights. The area they were now rinsing and caressing was too much for me to take! I quivered and moaned I almost fell to my knees. I felt the sensations building from my nipples to my toes and back between my legs and, and, and...!

I had to hold on to something and quickly! Harriet grabbed my arms as I reached the height of sensation. I was on overload, my whole body trembling, my knees buckling. My nipples got so tight and hard they shot sparks to every part of my body! My bottom tightened, my scrotum squeezed tightly and my whole body was one big spasm, again and again until I felt a release that was too incredible to ever be able to put into words! It felt as if my penis had just burst as well. I fell against Harriet and just rested against her until my breathing came back to normal. I knew what masturbation felt like, I had enough experience with the one-handed bandit, but this was far and above anything I had ever experienced before!

All three women looked at me with big smiles on their faces and my mom said to me, "Someone all boy could never experience what you just did Ricky."

Harriet laughed and hugged me real tight saying, "You better not get addicted to that, you could end up hurting yourself." All of us laughed at that.

Grace was smiling and told me, "Being both has its advantages and disadvantages, Ricky. This was one of the advantages. We will tell you and show you about everything we can, but you must remember to always stay in control when you can. If not you could easily find yourself in some kind of trouble."

With that said Harriet started patting me dry. My mom said to me, "Honey, you should always pat yourself dry from now on. If you rub you will injure your skin. It is softer now and you need to be gentler with your skin." They helped me from the shower and as Grace removed the apron, my mom and Harriet spread body lotion all over me. It felt cool and very soothing.

Harriet said to me, "Honey, from now on whenever you get out of the bath or shower make sure you massage lotion into your skin everywhere you can comfortably reach. It helps keep it moist and smooth. If you forget it can dry out quickly and that feels real uncomfortable and can drive you crazy."

Grace said, "It is much too steamy in here; let's go back to the kitchen to finish, okay?" We all agreed and my mom helped me back into my robe. We went back down to the kitchen. I was glad the little ones did not wake up! What had just happened would have been very difficult to explain.

Grace picked up the book she had laid on the table and found what she was looking for. She showed me the page and said, "Ricky, your first additions will be breasts. You see in these pictures the different types of prosthetics that are being used today. These are used for women who have had one or more breasts removed due to cancer or other diseases and injuries. They are also used for younger girls and women that have not developed for different reasons."

My mom and Harriet each opened a box and showed me that each box held one of these breasts. They were a solid flesh color and in the center of each was the shape of a nipple. My mom handed the one she held to Grace and she handed it to me. It was heavy and felt squishy but firm. Grace said, "You can either just slip them into your bra or you can attach them to your skin using a special adhesive that we have right here."

She showed me a bottle of adhesive. It looked thick. "I highly recommend you use the adhesive. That way they will look natural and you won't ever have to worry about them shifting or falling out at the wrong time. The adhesive can be removed easily enough using this solution here." She showed me another bottle.

Grace continued, "You can leave these breasts attached to your skin for up to a week or more, but I recommend you remove them as soon as you can when you do not need to wear them. The adhesive contains a certain amount of estrogen and that is not good for you. It will make your nipples and breasts grow bigger over time. So, only wear them using the adhesive for a day or two, never longer than that if you can help it. Ricky, I have a very good friend who makes these for individuals that want a better quality and a custom fit to their bodies. If you accept the position offered you by Betty, we can have some very nice and very realistic ones made just for you. Try these first for awhile and see what they are like."

My mom spoke up then and opened another package. She held up a bra and said, "Honey, this is a well padded bra. You can wear this when you aren't wearing the breast forms."

I said, "I am standing here in just a robe and it is getting late and I am very tired. Can this wait until morning? I fear I won't be able to concentrate and learn what to do and when if this takes much longer."

They all chuckled then and Grace said, "I bet you are tired. We want you to experience some of this tonight and we will get you ready and continue the rest in the morning, okay?"

I said okay and Harriet spread a soft blanket across one end of the kitchen table. They had me remove my robe and lie on my back on the blanket. Grace took a marker, she called it a skin scribe, and made a few marks next to both of my breasts and then while Harriet and my mom spread adhesive on the insides of the breast forms Grace cleaned my breasts and nipples with a solution, patted them dry, and then she spread a thin coating of the adhesive on my breasts leaving my nipples free of the adhesive.

She took one of the forms and gently pressed and held it against me for about a minute and let go. She did the same with the other one. She took some of the adhesive remover and put it on a cotton ball and gently removed any excess adhesive not under the breast forms. She then told me to sit up. Oh Lord!

My mother said to me, "Honey, you are now the proud owner of nearly B-cup sized breasts."

I felt the weight! I felt them tugging on my skin underneath. They held their position, but when I moved they jiggled! I couldn't really feel it. I reached up and held them, they felt cool but I could not feel my touch on the breast forms. I had to press and move them to feel anything underneath. The color did not match my skin color and the contrast was really noticeable.

I looked up and to my great surprise Aunt Harriet had removed her blouse. She looked at me and smiled saying, "Your first lesson is how to put on your bra correctly."

My mom handed me a bra, and said, "We bought this for you after Grace called us with your sizes from Betty's shop." WHAT? That means they already expected me to get this far! They knew already what I was going to decide! I looked at my mom and before I could say anything she spoke up, "Honey, we did not know what you would decide, we just decided to be ready just in case you did." I hate it when they read your mind! The seven P's strike again!

I took the bra from her and I looked at Harriet. She looked at me and reached behind her back and unhooked her bra. She pulled it away from her and let her breasts fall free. They were very nice and a little bigger than my fake ones. She had brown nipples not pink. They were even bigger than mine. Her breasts were firm and her nipples I could see were hard and pointy like mine were in the shower. She smiled even bigger and said, "I can't keep calling you 'Ricky' when you look like you do, so you will be 'Honey' until you pick a girl's name, okay?"

Pick a girl's name for myself? That made sense, so I agreed.

Aunt Harriet came over, standing close and facing me she said, "Slip your arms into your bra like this and then hold it like this." I did just as she did. She continued, "Now lean forward a little so your breasts are just in the cups." I did as she did.

She then said while showing me how, "Hold the ends of your bra so you can feel the clasps on both ends." I did but it was awkward for me. She said, "Bring the two ends together and hook them." I tried but was having a lot of difficulty.

They all laughed at this and my mom said, "Honey, let me show you the easy way." She took my bra from me and looked at Harriet saying, "You would have to start with the hard way. Now show her the easy way."

HER? My mom referred to as her.

I caught that! I did not say anything though. I would be doing a lot of thinking if I stayed awake long enough! Harriet removed her bra again and showed me the easy way. Now this made a lot more sense and was a lot easier! She had turned the bra so the cups were to her back. She then fastened the clasps in the front and the pulled the cups back in front again. She put her arms in and pulled the bra up and over her breasts.

I did the same. My breasts were now firmly held in the cups. Grace came over to me and said we had to make a small adjustment. She showed me how to tighten the cups by adjusting these little slides on the straps. Yes, that was better.

It had gotten late by then and we all looked at each other and noticed everybody looked tired. My mom announced that Grace and Harriet would be sleeping over so we could get an early start in the morning. Thank you! I was very tired.

My mom looked at me and chuckled saying, "Haven't you forgotten something? Here put these on." She then handed me a pair of shiny blue panties. Once I had put them on she told me to raise my hands in the air and I did.

Harriet came up from behind me and slipped something soft and light over my hands and head. It slipped over my shoulders easily but got caught up on my breasts. I pulled it down and saw I was now wearing a sheer blue nightgown. It came down to just above my knees.

All three women said, "Welcome to girlhood, Honey!" They all gave me a hug and kissed me. Finally I was able to crawl into bed.

---*---

I walked out of the room with my mind in a place I have never experienced before. All the new information and physical sensations I experienced; had it really only been since that morning! Fourteen hours of one single day! Everything that happened that day swirling and twirling at light speed, each individual bit of information and sensation trying to be understood, acknowledged, and assimilated. Did it all happen in one single day? Was my life so out of balance since my birth?

I turned to look back into the kitchen and saw the three women settling down into chairs. The coffee maker made gurgling noises announcing the promise of fresh brewed energy. I had no energy! I felt drained and exhausted in mind and body. I saw one last glimpse of myself in the mirrors as I made the turn toward bed and much needed sleep. Was that reflection reality? NO! I'm dreaming! That's it! I am actually asleep in my bed and this was one long never-ending dream! I will wake up soon and life will be as it always has been! YES, that’s it!

I was looking back at the reflection in my dream when I turned and walked shoulder first, into the wall! OUCH! Oh no! This ‘IS’ reality! I looked at myself; I had breasts and was wearing a nightgown! I had on panties and when I felt my head I had a plastic cap covering it! My exhaustion evaporated in a nana-second. I knew then I would not sleep any that night!

At the thud sound when my shoulder had hit the wall, my mom came rushing toward me, concern written on her face. I looked at her and asked, "I'm not dreaming am I?"

My mother hugged me tight and said, "No, Honey, this is not a dream. Are you okay? You look lost."

I looked into her eyes deeply, trying to understand her words. I was lost somewhere in between two worlds. It seemed to me right then that there were two realities. One reality was outside and one lay within, each struggling to come together.

I had to find the key that would open the door that separated them from each other. The key I did not find deep within my mother's eyes. What I found deep within them was love, concern, compassion and something new I had never seen before. I saw oneness, a belonging and openness. I knew that she would not keep anything hidden from me as before. No secret thoughts or knowledge would be kept from me ever again. I knew I could ask her anything and she would tell me honestly and openly. With this new knowledge I had to know! I had to find that key!

I was awake, but not awake. I let her guide me back into the kitchen. I let her help me to sit in a chair. I must have been shaking because Grace came over and helped me into my robe.

She took my face in both her hands. Lifting until our eyes met, she smiled and said, "I have known you but a short time, but I know that look! I know what you are asking yourself just by looking into your eyes. Those beautiful hazel eyes tell your story in their flashes of color."

She chuckled then and said, "Did you know whenever you are thinking and deciding about something your eyes flash with color? They actually flash and change colors faster. Your pupils get larger like they are trying to see everything at the same time. Your eyes are our way of seeing your true self. I can tell you are lost deep within and it is time we do something about it." She chuckled again and caressed my face gently and very softly with her fingertips.

I heard my Aunt Harriet like she was away in the distance saying, "Yes! Her eyes, they do flash and her pupils are huge!" I realized then that Harriet was right next to me and she was looking in my eyes. She sounded so far away. I was so lost in my own self.

The fingers that were caressing me slowed and drifted to a stop. I reached and took hold of the hands so near my face and looked at them. So pretty, soft and delicate. The nails were dancing with a colored glossiness. They looked like they were made of Amethyst. I became aware of smells then. I could smell a hint of several perfumes mixed with the smell of fresh brewing coffee. I could smell chemicals so different than the others. I started to feel again, my physical body slowly joining my mind. I could feel the hands I was holding with my own. I slowly began to refocus on my surroundings. I focused from the seemingly bejeweled nails, to the hands, and then to the person.

She was smiling down at me with a knowing look. I desperately needed that look! Knowing! I had to know! All my questions streamed to the surface at light speed. It was as if they knew on their own that the answers would be found! I once again rejoined the here and now. I looked around me and smiled. I WOULD KNOW! All I had to do was ask. Not an easy thing to do at this moment though.

I first would have to organize the zillion questions screaming to be asked all at one time. I needed some order! I needed to ask the questions in such a way as to answer many by asking only a few. I needed some time. I needed time for the seven P's! That's it! I was back and thinking clearly once again. I looked at my mother and asked, "Could we have some of that great smelling coffee now?"

The mood in the room changed in an instant, from a mixture of concern and frightened urgency, to one of calm and certainty. I looked at each woman and saw relief and happiness, a purpose and a surety in their mannerisms. Grace sat in the chair closest to me, still letting me hold her hands.

I smiled and let her hands go free. I stretched then like a cat waking from slumber. From my toes upward, stretching each muscle as I slowly stood and then relaxed. The blood started flowing again. I could feel my heart pounding and my blood flowing through my veins. I was back! The coffee tasted so good! It seemed all my senses were heightened to their peak of awareness.

We were all sitting at the kitchen table, the women looking at me, waiting patiently for my first question. I took another sip of coffee and found the first key question to ask. I looked at my mother and asked her, "When did you know that I was really different from other boys?" I knew that the answer to this question would be the start of what to ask next.

My mother looked at me with an expression of openness, smiled and answered. "When you asked me to take you shopping so you could buy Terry a present, she had just turned five remember?"

Harriet jumped in, "I remember that Julia, you called me and we must have talked for hours that evening." She chuckled and continued with, "You were so surprised Ricky could go shopping in the girl's section without a second thought. That he had walked up to a saleslady and asked her help in finding certain things." She started laughing and continued with, "You told me he was so surprised the saleslady asked you if she was serious!" She really started laughing then! She couldn't talk anymore.

My mother looked at Grace and told her, "Terry just turned five and was starting school. She had confided in Ricky that she was afraid all the kids would laugh at her because she had to wear diapers. Ricky had told her that if she could use her potty chair and not wet her diapers during the day he would get her a wonderful surprise. A surprise so wonderful she would never have to wear diapers during the day anymore. He had told her if she had to go pee-pee to come and get him and he would take her diapers off so she could use her potty chair. Well, she did more than that!"

My mother really chuckled then and when she was through she continued, "Terry always wore dresses and she asked Ricky to take her diaper off so she could use the potty chair. Well, it took a little while to get her plastic panties off and get the diapers unpinned. She started to tinkle before she got to the chair, but she made it. When she was done she was so happy! While Ricky was washing her she asked him not to put her diapers back on. It seems she had realized it took too long to get them off. She wanted to be able to use her potty chair on her own."

My mother and Harriet laughed and Grace asked me what I had decided. I answered, "Well, all she had was diapers and no panties. She would only wear dresses, so I figured why not. It would save her time and give her the confidence she needed. It would also let her go by herself without needing anyone else. My only problem was when we had to go anywhere." I chuckled then and told Grace how I had to convince her to wear her diapers when we went outside. "You can't have a five year old girl wandering around outside with a bare bottom."

My mother continued the story. "Well, Terry from that time on never wet herself while she was in the house during the day again! So Ricky had to get her the surprise he promised her."

Grace said, "Okay, but what about the saleslady?"

Harriet just had to finish the story so she jumped in again, "Julia told the saleslady that she should do whatever Ricky asked of her. Well, that poor saleslady was embarrassed, not Ricky!" They all laughed and I joined in.

Grace then asked me what I had bought Terry. Boy do I remember that! I answered, "Terry loves frills, but I also knew she would need training pants because of the dribbles. I asked the saleslady where the frilliest little girl's panties were and if they had thick training pants for little girls as well. They did have them so I picked out ten pairs of real frilly panties, five her size and five more that would fit over the training pants. I bought her five pairs of the thickest training pants they had. That saleslady made me real mad once I had got everything I wanted though."

My mother and Harriet started laughing real hard then, and Grace gave me the look that means I had better explain so I did.

"Well, when I got to the register to pay for them that lady asked me if I was sure I got the right size. She said they looked too small to fit me!" Now everybody was laughing. I wasn't. I did not think it was funny at all!

I continued to help redeem myself. "I told her they were for my little sister and not for me!" I stopped at that and looked at Grace who was still laughing.

My Aunt just could not let it rest and said, "You didn't finish the story Ricky." She looked at Grace and continued while my mom looked at me laughing and nodding her head yes, that this part would answer my original question. I was not going to finish the story. I had understood the answer without having to continue.

Grace looked at me and said, "You have to finish it! TELL ME!"

So I did. "The saleslady after I had told her they were for my little sister didn't stop talking. She told me it was so nice of me to buy my sister such pretty things and even though I was a Tomboy and since I was a big girl now, I should start dressing like one! I told her I was not a girl, I was a boy and she didn't believe me! She had to ask my mom!" They were all laughing now! OH GEEZE!!!

Grace stopped laughing first and said to me, "Ricky, I know why she didn't believe you. Your longer hair and you have no Adams apple. That is the first thing that stands out on a boy, the Adams apple, that and one other thing." They all started laughing again when she said that! Oh GEEZ!

So now I knew it was only a little more than year ago that my mother thought me any different than any other boy. So now for my second question, "Mom, how did you decide that I needed to know about being different?"

My mother paused for a second thinking. She knew, she just wanted to word it right. BUT!

Aunt Harriet always had to be the one to seize the moment when a good story can be told started, "I know, remember Halloween, Julia?" OH GEEZE! I remembered! Now I knew that I was set up again! "It was like this Grace; Julia had called me about a plan she had to see if Ricky was one of those boys that could be both a boy and a girl. You see he has a real hard time making friends with boys his own age, they always wanted him to do stupid things he was not interested in doing. They also wanted him to just hang out and he hated that. Add to that he is always in great physical shape but didn't partake in any sports. He always put his family duties above everything else. So the boys just shunned him and started calling him names like mama's boy and things like that. The lack of free time always hurt his social life until some of the girls started coming over."

My mom added, "YES! I was surprised, one day they just started showing up to hang around with Ricky and even helped him with the little ones and the housework! When they were here I noticed he fit in without even trying. I mean it was a natural part of him to just act like they did. It seemed like an automatic reaction on his part. Halloween was coming up in a couple of weeks and he always took Terry Trick or Treating and to our neighbors' house after because they always had a party for the little kids in the neighborhood. He would complement her costume by being part of what she was. If she were a princess he would be a prince. This year I asked Terry what she wanted to be and she picked the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella. Ricky couldn't really think of anything he could be to compliment her choice and left it up to me. I knew I had to get some good measurements and told him I was renting the costumes this year. I even measured his head for a wig, but he thought it was for a hat. I did not tell him otherwise."

My mom chuckled and continued, "I planned it so I brought the costumes home with just enough time for them to get ready and go out." I was shocked that she would have done this on purpose to me. She deceived me into thinking it was a mistake by the costume shop and I could not let Terry down, she would have cried for days. So I was stuck, everybody HAD to be in costume for the party after. No exceptions and Terry had to be at that party. My mom would not be home. She was tacking Jerry to Harriet's.

"The costume I had rented for him was Cinderella. I had put the costumes in one big box and had Ricky carry it into Terry's room. Terry was so excited and I had her costume on top. I pulled everything of her costume out and told Ricky just to bring the box with his costume into his room and start getting ready. I started getting Terry dressed when I heard Ricky holler out ‘MOM!’ I told Him I would be finished in a few minutes with Terry and to just start getting ready and we were running late. Ricky hollered again saying ‘MOM! THEY MADE A BIG MISTAKE!’ I finished getting Terry ready and went into Ricky's room. He was just standing there in his briefs looking at what he had spread out on his bed. I faked being very shocked and then started the 'what a shame this happened' and 'Terry would be so disappointed and heart broken' ploy. I knew he would never let his sister down. He could never hurt her. I knew this even though he didn't."

They all chuckled at this and Aunt Harriet jumped in again. "That was when I showed up. I saw Terry looking so cute and I asked her where Ricky was. She looked worried and said he was in his room with mommy. I asked her, what the matter was because she looked sad. She told me that Ricky had hollered there was a mistake with his costume. I told her I would find out and not to worry. I asked her if Ricky had ever let her down and she said no and smiled. I went up the stairs and walked in Ricky's room and said Terry is downstairs and she is almost in tears. She doesn't think Ricky is going to take her tonight. What's wrong? The look on Ricky's face told the whole story! If I could have taken a picture right then! He looked at me then Julia, and said ‘I don't know how to dress like this!’ That is when I told him I would help him and sent Julia down to cheer up Terry."

I jumped in then and said, "To make a long story short, she helped me alright. With make up and everything. The stupid costume even came with a damn petticoat! I took Terry out and thank the powers above nobody recognized me until the party.

My mom and Harriet both said at the same time, "Oh, yes, they did!" OH GEEZE! I hate when they do that!

I jumped in before they could add any more and told Grace, "At the party it became very difficult for me at first. Everybody knew who I was, when they saw Terry and me holding her hand. Barbara and her mother made a big thing out of it and I swear I was going to die right their! Not only did they make us both pose for pictures, but some of the other mothers took our picture as well. I really did just want to die then! Terry was in heaven though and she just kept hugging me and telling me as she put it, 'The best-est brother in the whole world.' Barbara just wouldn't leave me alone either. I had to pose with her and she was dressed as a pirate! Then the other mothers had to gush over me! It was one of the worst nights of my life! I was very glad when it was over, but then Barbara and her mother asked Terry and me to stay for a little while and help clean up. We did and all Terry did was run around playing. Mrs. Nelson even put an apron on me. She said, 'to protect my pretty costume from getting dirty.' We were just about done when she came in with her camera flashing again! I was finally able to get Terry and go home to change."

My mother had a photo album in her hands and handed it to Grace. Oh Geeze, yes, there were the pictures! Wow, did I really look like that?

Now it was time for another cup of coffee and my next question. We all refilled our coffee cups and sat down again. I was just about to ask my third question when my mom said, "Ricky, I want to answer your second question fully. When I saw you acting just like the girls were when you were with them, it was then I decided you had to experience at least a little of what they experienced everyday of their lives. I was right! Rita, (Barbara's mother, Mrs. Nelson) called me that night when I got home and told me everything. She said when you were alone with Barbara you acted just like a young lady. It was only when you were with all the other people at the party that you acted nervous. But, even then you acted more like a young lady than a boy in a dress. She even told me that several of the mothers did not believe you were a boy at all and believed she set this up as a joke for the party. Those women left, still thinking you were the perfect young lady."

THANK YOU MOM! Well, it was now time for me to ask my third and I made it a multi-part question.

I looked at each of them to get some seriousness back in the conversation and had to ask Grace to put the album away. She did and I asked my third multi part question. "You do realize I have to remove all this before it's time for the little ones to get up. I won't have my little sister and brother waking up and seeing me like this. So, this is my question. If you have planned this as you have told me for a month or more and are determined I go through with this and I believe you do. How in the world am I going to be training as an androgynous male at Mrs. Brown's facility and then turn into a teenage girl to go to Betty's? All this and keep my sanity? Where am I going to stay? What am I and you going to tell everybody we know including our relatives when they see me as a teenaged girl? You know it is unavoidable that at sometime it will get out and I will be found out." I sat quietly and awaited the answers to my multiple fired questions.