"Now I'm looking at a flashback Sunday,
Zoom lens feeling just won't disappear" - J. Geils Band

My mother, smiling with a very motherly look on her face asked me, "So, Rachel was born over seven years ago. Ricky, you were transformed from a boy to a girl in less than a few hours. It did not take much, either, did it?"

I answered, "Not the physical part, no. The mental part of being a girl is a different matter. I went from being shocked and embarrassed to being accepted and rejected. I saw it in the faces of the women there. To some I was a toy to play with and to others I was a boy who should be a girl. To Margie and Mrs. Benning, I believe they wanted me to be the sister and daughter they both wanted. Mrs. Benning was losing a daughter wanting another young one to be with her and needing her. Margie wanted a little sister. She treated me that way when I was over there working. Thinking back I think it was the other girls in the neighborhood who really started all this."

I thought and thought hard trying to make sense and learn something from this sudden recall that was happening to me. I started remembering the little things we all tend to ignore as they happen. I looked at the three women and spoke again. "I know I learned several big lessons that day. When someone is alone with someone else, the actions and reactions they have are different from when with a group. I also learned never to trust someone who drinks too much with anything important or secret. I learned that in trying to please someone you could hurt another including yourself. To trick someone into something is not a nice thing to do. It might speed things along, but it still is hurtful and damaging to them." (The ladies looked at each other with an expression I could not read.)

"I was turned into looking like a girl in less than an hour, but what did that do to me? I looked very convincing. If the people there did not know who I really was I believe I still could not have fooled them for very long. You see looking like a girl is not enough. You have to be a girl to be a girl!"

I paused and sipped my coffee letting more realizations to surface. I continued, "You can and will I know transform me into looking like a teenaged girl. A tall well muscled one, but a convincing looking teen girl I will be. Given the time you require I know I will look even more convincing when people look at me more closely. This you and I know will happen! The more I exist as Rachel, the closer people will look. They will ask questions of my past. Where I live and go to school. They will ask who my parents and relatives are. Who my boyfriend is?

"You can transform my body, but you cannot transform my past. I am what I am. You say I act just like the girls when I am with them. How close were you looking at me? Did I use the same gestures with my hands and face? Did I sit the same as they did? Did I use the same words to describe things as they did? Did I even greet them as they greeted each other? Was I able to join in on all their conversation or just a few times when I knew I could contribute?

"I grew up as a boy. I never played with dolls or played house. I had one experience really at dressing up. Real girls do this all the time. Look, I just have not had the growing up experiences that real girls have had."

I paused again and the ladies were looking at each other. They had the looks like they were talking to each other but not saying a word. Silent communication!

I continued, "What do real girls know by the time they reach sixteen? A hell of a lot that's what they know! A boy? You see the difference.

"Girls have gone through much more by then. They have learned much more about fashion and make-up. They have learned about their bodies at a much earlier age than boys have. They began developing breasts and needing a bra. Their nipples and chests hurt. Girls go through a painful growth. They have had their period and learned all about why. They experience the discomfort and pain that lasts for days on end.

"A boy? The mood swings are much more severe in girls than boys are. The hormones are changing monthly with girls. Boys go through puberty once! The emotional differences that exist between boys and girls are huge! The bonding between each is just as different! Can you see my real problems?

"How can I be a girl? No, I can learn about things and I can act accordingly but having had the experience is another world entirely. You want me to live as a girl to see up close my other half. You want me to experience and learn as much as I can as a girl, a girl of sixteen at that. I cannot see how I can accomplish this, can you?"

With all that said, I got up and asked if anyone wanted more coffee. Nobody answered me. Instead, Harriet said, "I think I have just been kicked in the head!"

My mom added to that by saying, "And kicked our asses as well!"

Grace started laughing and added, "I believe Ricky is right. We must begin at the beginning. He must learn anatomy and physiology, from birth to sweet sixteen and all that transpires in between. Who wants to start?" They all laughed and I had to start another pot of coffee.

I was listening to them while standing at the counter. I noticed I was Ricky again. I had made my point. I am not Rachel. Rachel has not really been born yet, mo real past, present, nor future.

The first step in being a girl begins seven weeks after conception! The brains develop distinctly as male or female then. Since I could not go back that far, the next best thing was to experience and learn as a child. I do believe my brain is different, not all-girl and not all-boy, but a combination.

I also know I am not alone. There are others just like me out in the world. I wondered if I was ever to meet anyone like myself. If ever there was a field that would welcome those like me it had to be in the health care field!

The ground coffee was added to the filter and the water added to the percolator, now for the magic to begin! I just love technology!

My mother, Harriet and Grace were in session! I looked at them one at a time and then as a group. What I perceived was something I will never forget. The bond they shared and all three individually and together joined in purpose and resolve. It is a sight to behold watching others deep in thought and in turn working out resolutions to common problems.

Surprisingly to me anyway, was the way they worked things out, not with argument or stubborn resolve like most men would do, but with an openness and a willingness to work together! You can learn much by good observational skills, listening instead of talking, questioning instead of answering. Oh Great! The coffee is ready, time to pour and jump in here!

I filled the steaming hot fresh brewed coffee. I adulterated mine as usual with cream and sugar. Much needed sugar! ENERGY FOOD!

I re-joined the ladies and just listened. Grace was saying, "Betty can help with a lot of that. He will be caring for two females that will be having their monthly periods and will learn much just from providing their care."

My mother was saying, "We can teach him about the problems and he can learn the how to and why. We can make sure he knows about the different products and their differences. The why they are different and why some girls choose one over the other."

Harriet was saying, "I can teach him everything he needs to know about hair and make-up. I will also teach him a few other things girls use as tricks and quick fixes."

This continued, the back and forth each dealing with different problems and providing solutions. I just sat and listened smiling in awe over the speed and surety of their bonded solutions.

I could not keep silent any longer. I said, "Your coffees are getting cold." They all stopped talking and looked at me. I laughed and said, "Yes. I am still here!" They laughed and started drinking their coffees.

I said, "What about the problem of my identity? Ricky has lived here for sixteen years now. I know Betty lives in the very nice section of the suburbs and I am not known there at all. What about here in Spring Hill? How am I going to get from Spring Hill to the Mountain View Estates? What about Terry and Jerry?"

Harriet spoke up and said, "Ricky, you know my house has several extra bedrooms and now that I am single again one of them will be Rachel's. My house is a lot closer to Betty's than Julia's and that will be your changing station. You will actually have two rooms, one for Ricky, and one for Rachel. You will just need to have storage space for Ricky's things, but Rachel will need a room of her own with lots of closet space, a vanity and all the things a teenage girl needs. You can bring any new friends Rachel makes to my house. As for telling people where you live. You live with me."

Ok, that made sense to me. Grace spoke up and said, "As for transportation, Betty will provide you with that. She will have you picked up at Harriet's and return you there as well."

Ok, that made sense as well. My mom spoke up then saying, "As for the little ones we tell them you will be staying at Harriet's because of your work situation which is the truth." She smiled knowing we both did not want to have to lie about anything if it could be helped.

Cool! I then asked, "What is on the lesson plan for the near future?"

All three of them smiled then and Grace spoke up with, "MY TURN!" She got up, went into the living room, and came back with the thick book she had brought with her. She sat down next to me and opened the book.

She found what she was looking for and pointed saying, "This is what a teen girl looks like from the front, back and each side." She turned the page and said, "This is what a teen boy looks like from the same views. What we need to do now is take some pictures of you in the same poses." OH GEEZE! She went on with, "Then we can compare them and see what we can really do to make you into a very convincing girl."

My mom and Harriet cleaned off the table, Grace then motioned for me to remove my robe, and then she helped me remove my nightgown. (THIS AGAIN! Well, okay, here we go!) I kept the panties on for the moment and lay on the table again.

Grace used the special solution and shortly after that, the breast forms fell away. She cleaned off the solution and my nipples enjoyed that far too much causing a problem to spring up. (You know what, don't you?) The ladies chuckled and I turned red. Things were getting back to the abnormal again! I started to laugh and the problem seemed to relax as I did.

Grace then had me stand up and wait until I was relaxed all over. Then it was time to take the panties off and stand there for pictures. Pose, pose, pose, and pose once more. Ok, that's done.

Grace said, "Okay, that's it for right now."

I said, "What?"

She responded, "We have a few more things to, as we say show-and-tell." (OH GEEZE!) I put my robe and panties on just to feel a little better and warmer. We all sat down again and let the Kodak instant prints develop. My mom and Harriet were in charge of timing and then removing the developing sheets off of the pictures. (Remember those cameras folks? The ones that took sixty seconds to develop and you had to peel away the covering layer of paper to stop them from developing more?)

Grace and I went back to the book as my mom and Harriet would peel off the paper and look at my nude images. They did not laugh, but they were saying things like, "That's different" and "To bad we couldn't just add something underneath the skin." (WHAT?)

Grace pointed to another page filled with pictures of different genitals. There were girls and boy's genitals, all shapes and sizes. It was interesting to see how different these organs were for being the same things! She looked at me, smiled, and said, "We are going to turn this into that without removing anything."

I looked at her as if she must be crazy and asked, "How can you do that without surgery?"

Grace told me then, "There is some surgery involved, but not anything permanent and nothing is removed." (OH GEEZE!)

Grace then turned to another page and showed me ‘how’ it could and would be done to me. The only thing that looked scary about it was the ice bag and sutures that would be used. She said, "You will have to pee sitting down and we need to show you how to clean yourself correctly. Just like the girls have to know."

"Okay," I said and then I brought up school. I laughed and said, "This would go over real big in the boy's locker room!"

They all laughed and told me I would be "home schooled." COOL! I liked that because school was boring most of the time. All I ever did was read ahead. Homework was always done, of course, but I was well ahead in my studies.

One class in particular was a very bad scene for me. The teacher would not grade on a curve like all the other ones did. I would ace the test and most of the students in the class would get pissed at me! Hey, I'm not going to do average on a test I can ace! I have college to think about! My future will be dictated by my grades and test scoring is a biggie!

Home schooling is a great answer! I can go at a speed comfortable for me and take tests without any problems from others! COOLEST! (I would miss a few people though.)

My mom turned to Grace and asked what the recovery time was for such a procedure. Grace told her it would be about two days before I could walk without discomfort and about ten days before I could really be ready.

I asked her how come it would take ten days and she answered, "You will be on antibiotics and I will be checking for infection and the sutures to see that everything is how it should be. You will walk a little different and you will be able to hold your legs together just as the girls do. That is one problem you have now. Your extra equipment gets in the way and holds your legs apart just enough to be noticeable to women and girls."

My mom and Harriet were looking at the book while looking at the pictures of me again. Harriet said, "His nipples are like many of the girls and his bottom is shaped like theirs as well. His hips are in between as is his waist."

My mother kept looking back and forth as well and she said, "The best thing he has going for him is the lack of an Adam's apple. If you ignore this thing and look at these pictures he is more girl than boy." (OH GEEZE!)

I said, "MOM!"

She turned to me turning everything around so I could see it and explained, "You look and tell me any different! Just ignore your male equipment between your legs and tell me what you see!" I had to admit she was right. I must have looked depressed then. It is hard to realize you were born a boy and when you look at yourself minus two things, you look just like a girl.

Grace hugged me then and said, "This is very important. You have to face the facts head on Ricky and then deal with them. We are here for you and will be here every step of the way. Remember this, you can always stop at anytime if you feel it is too much for you to handle. You are not alone in this you know. Anytime and anywhere, you need us we are only a phone call or a visit away. All our homes are open to you anytime day or night. Ok?"

What could I say? They have done more for me than anybody else has. They were not in this for selfish reasons. At least I did not think they were. Why would they? The love and concern they have shown toward me was a never-ending supply. Ok, here goes.

Grace looked at my mom and Harriet and informed them of a needed change saying, "Ricky will have to be trained at Betty's. I will train him myself. I don't think going back and forth from my facility would be good for him or the facility for now. With the care he has been providing Terry all along I believe it will be easier for him than it would be for most boys."

She looked at me and smiled saying, "You show a respect for women's bodies and are compassionate. I know you will not be uncomfortable tacking care of their needs. Will you?"

I answered, "No, I can separate things like providing care and even learning care procedures from any sexual or passionate way. It is different. You approach things differently.

"One thing that always surprised me when the boys got together. They would talk about sex as if it were a thing like a pinball game. It was just something to do! That's bullshit! Sex without passion and love is nothing. If you need a release, then just fantasize and masturbate. It's a lot nicer than trying to bed someone for a few minutes of sex.

"To me making love should be an event. You should take your time and make sure the person you love is getting the attention they desire and need from you. Most people I think approach-making love in the wrong way. They think of themselves and not their partner. It should not be a selfish act at all. It should be a giving act! If you want selfish love, masturbate!"

WOW! I must have said something right because I was being hugged and kissed by all of them at once! I laughed and tried to say in between being hugged and kissed, "What is so special about that? Don't most couples do that?"

The ladies must have heard me, and all three said at the same time, "NO!" They all laughed at they're saying the same thing at the same time.

Grace spoke up and mentioned one problem with training. She said, "If we can't use my facility we will have to find someone that is willing for Ricky to learn on. He needs to learn bed baths and all the other personal care needs. He needs to know how to use the different care supplies and the procedures that go with them. He needs to know all the basics before he starts working for Betty. I can teach him the more advanced care techniques and procedures once he starts, but he needs to know the basics first."

My Aunt Harriet spoke up and surprised the poop out of me! She said, "I volunteer! He can learn on me and if he makes a mistake I will beat the heck out of him!" Everybody laughed at that but I didn't! She would beat the crap out of me and I knew it!

Well, everything was set up now and it was left up to me when to really start things going. I spoke up and said, "Okay, we can start anytime you are ready because with all of you here and batting for me I am ready." They all smiled and we all got into a group hug and kiss session.

It was decided by group vote that the tasks that needed doing would start with a call to Betty in the morning. (WOW, it is 3:00 am already!) After the call, we would split up and accomplish as much as possible in as little time as possible. Grace would make the call as we were all doing our morning rituals. Grace informed us all she needed was an hour power nap and she would get ready first and have a very light breakfast ready and waiting when we came down after our showers. The little ones were going over to Mrs. Brown's and could stay there for as long as needed. With that, we said goodnight to each other and off to our welcoming beds we went.

Grace remained downstairs and prepared the couch to sleep on. (It was a huge couch and I knew she would be comfortable enough. I had offered my bed, but Jerry slept in the room with me and she thought it might bother him if I wasn't there. So I went up to bed. Funny being in that robe and a pair of panties, I would change into a pair of my briefs when I got to my room. Just in case, the little ones woke up or Terry decided to crawl in bed with me, as she would do every once in awhile. I said goodnight to Harriet and Mom and went into my room.

I changed into my standard boys' briefs and stashed the robe and panties in my top drawer away from the inquisitive reach of the kids. I lay on my bed and out I went. Dreamless sleep. Deep and peaceful sleep!

Someone was whispering in my ear and rubbing my back! What? I just went to bed! I opened my sleep-filled eyes and saw Grace.

She looked fresh and was wearing just a robe. She smelled nice and whispered to me, "Time to get up and shower. I need a few more pictures and I thought you would like me to take them before the others were up and about." UHG! Ok.

I got up and walked into the shower turning it on the coldest I could stand without screaming! I was awake in an instant! Cold water does that to people you know.

I stepped out of the shower and Grace was chuckling. She was dressed in a dark blue blouse and matching skirt. Her hair was done up in a braid and she had on white hose and black loafers. She handed me the robe she had just been wearing and said laughingly, "Forget something, Ricky?"

I realized I had just walked straight into the shower and did not get myself any towels or my robe. I chuckled and thanked her taking the robe and putting it on. It smelled nice. I went to the linen closet, wrapped my hair in a towel and headed downstairs to the kitchen. I needed some coffee!

Grace went and woke my mother and Harriet. I was in the kitchen drinking a cup of fresh-made coffee, thanks to Grace. I heard Grace calling me into the living room so I went to her.

She asked me to hurry and remove the robe and lay on the couch. I did and she posed me for a few more pictures. That was embarrassing! Legs up and spread, then left and right sides the same pose. Then I had to stand and bend over front ways with my legs spread as far apart as I could get them. She took the photos and said, "These are so we can see how to do the tuck of your genitals the best way."

I said, "We?"

She answered, "Well, yes, I am not a doctor. Your doctor has agreed to do this for you." (WHAT?) She saw the look on my face, stated to chuckle and then told me, "Marjorie is a long time friend of mine as well as your mother's. She has often mentioned you and especially after Harriet brought you in for testing and that physical, she knows. She wants to see you again anyway and she has a few more tests for you."

I just groaned and she laughed again. She told me to eat something while she timed the pictures.

I went into the kitchen and my mom was there. I said good morning and she smiled giving me a hug and a kiss. Harriet came in then looking like she had taken a cold shower as I had. They were dressed and I was in Grace's robe still! Mom and Harriet giggled at me so I ran back upstairs and got dressed as Ricky would. My mom asked me to get Terry ready and she would get Jerry ready for breakfast and Mrs. Brown. Grace placed a call to Betty. My mom told her to use the phone in the den, so she did.

Terry I found was soaked, as usual, so I tickled her awake as I always did. I carried her into the bathroom and told her she could have a shower this morning. She hates showers! I told her that she could have a bath if she shared it with Jerry. She hated that even worse, so she opted for the shower.

I removed her sopped diapers, lifted her into the tub, and used the hand-held showerhead. She smiled knowing this would be quick and warm. She wet the washcloth under the spray as I showered her with warm water. She did the washing and did it correctly! I was watching so no cheating this morning! I chuckled as she stuck her tongue out at me as she washed herself. We skipped washing her hair. I rinsed her off one last time and turned off the water.

I lifted her out of the tub wrapping her up in a fluffy towel while I gave her a big hug and kiss on the cheek. She hugged me back and giggled as I carried her into her room. I patted her dry and told her to pick what she wanted to wear today. While she ran to her closet skipping picking out her under-things. She wanted to pick out her dress, shoes, and a ribbon for her hair.

I went to her drawers and picked out an undershirt, pair of training pants, and a pair of fancy panties to match the dress she picked and then went and got her a crinoline knowing she had to have that! She stood there with her arms straight up in the air. I knew that this morning she wanted to be dressed. Sometimes I could just leave her things on the bed and she dressed herself, not this morning! Ok, so I helped her get dressed. She was a happy little camper this morning!

We walked out together and down the stairs and into the kitchen. Terry ran to Harriet yelling, "Auntie, Auntie!" A bunch of hugs and kisses later she finally sat to eat her breakfast.

Mom came in carrying Jerry. He was not in a good mood this morning. He saw Harriet and perked up reaching out for her saying, "Tee, tee," his way of saying Auntie. Harriet fed him and Mrs. Brown showed up shortly after that. We all waved goodbye and came back in the house.

Grace was still on the phone! We all looked at each other wondering what was taking her so long. Grace saw us looking at her, held up two fingers, and smiled real big. That was a good sign! A few minutes later, she hung up the phone and came out into the living room. She was shaking her head and rubbing her ear.

We laughed and she said, "Very good news for us! Betty insists on paying for anything Ricky needs as Rachel. That is her only stipulation. If Rachel needs something you can spend Betty's money, but not for any items Ricky might need." She chuckled and said, "Ricky, Rachel is going to be very surprised when she starts working for Betty. It seems Rachel has a bedroom full of nice things already!" Oh GEEZ!

I asked, "But what if I had decided to say no?" All three ladies looked at me as if I was crazy and started laughing very hard indeed!

I said to them, "You all were that sure?" Then all three said at the same time, "YES!" (I hate when they do that!)

Mom said she was going with Harriet to get things for what was to be my room at Harriet's house. Grace said she was taking me and we were also going shopping; we had several stops to make, and would be gone for most of the day only returning when we had accomplished everything. After that, we would get some rest and start with all aspects of my lessons. She added, "Ricky, Betty had bought you some dresses and things. I am afraid your breast size has already been pre-determined. It will be easier on you, I think, but I was thinking a little larger size. Betty had decided on a full A cup to an almost B cup. She wants us to stop at her shop and pick up one of the dresses she bought for you. She said we could go from that and decide." (OH GEEZE!)

I guess I am going boob shopping first!