Note from Author: This Chapter is more of an introduction of the Character and her background. I hope this gives a small insite to the mind and conflict grown inside this poor girl.
Becoming Christine -1-
Thinking back on my memories vivid and colorful, I search for answers to help me understand who I am. When I was around 3 years old and helping my step dad cleans the transmission and differential on his new project car, a dune buggy we named Herby. I always enjoyed his attention since my father’s visits were far and few between. I remember Bob telling me that I was doing it wrong. We were using stiff wire brushes, grease remover, and a gasoline mix to remove all the caked on grease in the rear end, wear the motor goes.
Bob said, “Here get the corners like this.” He was using the screwdriver to scrap the gunk out of the corner. Just then, some grease flew out and landed on me. I jumped back and spilled the can of cleaning stuff screaming about how gross it was. Bob yelled at me saying, “What are you doing stop fussing and screaming like a little girl boys are suppose to be tuff, not act like this.” I was not sure what he meant by that. I then went inside to be cleaned up, “I hated being dirty,” and play with my sister.
My sister’s name was Bonita, which meant beautiful in Spanish. She was playing with her Barbie and real life size doll collection. Some of her dolls were as big as I was. I had my toys but they were hot wheel cars, trucks, and stuff I did not really play with. My sister had about 50 or so dolls with at least 5 different outfits for each doll, she enjoyed to change the color and or the style of her dolls often. She disliked when I would go play with her dolls in room without her because I would change their outfits all around. They did not match any more so she would know when I done it due to my lack of fashion knowledge. She was good about how every the matched.
I didn’t have much fashion sense. My sister and I did not have many friends since we moved a lot. That is how we became somewhat close. Mom and bob worked a lot so we spend a lot of time together. My sister loved to play dress up and dress up her dolls. She let me play with her it was fun. She even dressed me up in some of her old cloths mom didn‘t throw out, I loved it. It made me feel pretty; the strange part was that I felt so good somehow. After we were done, getting dressed up and we finished the dolls. I used to dress up our dog. He had a funny waddle when he walked in cloths. Mom used to laugh at us.
One day a few years later I was five or six getting ready to start kindergarten we were playing dress up while mom and dad were at work. Mom must have just gotten home and we did not even notice. Mom came into the room and yelled “Bonita Jean”, mom only used middle name when we were really in trouble, “what do you think you’re doing I told you that he was starting school soon and can’t dress like that anymore”. I walked up to mom and said, “Don’t I look pretty mommy?” Mom said, “Get out of those cloths and I don’t ever want to see you looking like that again.” I was confused and began to cry as she stormed out of the room. I never seen mom so mad before.
My father managed to pick us up that weekend, he was getting married and I had to wear a suit. I hated to wear suits they made me feel disgusting. I remember the suit was baby blue while Bonita was wearing this beautiful white dress with yellow flowers all over it. She looked pretty, which was the way I wanted to look. I wished long and hard that I could have been the flower girl. It would have been better then the baby blue suit I was wearing while carrying a pillow with the rings on it.
By the time I was eight dressing up was trouble that came with grounding. Back then, I did not understand why playing dress up would upset mom so much. I was happy and enjoyed the pure fun of playing dress up. Mom had told me “dress up is for girls like your sister and not for little boys like you”. She then I was forbidden to play with my sister, her dolls, and to play only with my own toys in my own room. ‘My toys’, I thought, ‘you have to be crazy’. As I ran away to my room crying I heard mom say, “Bonita, Shawn is not you personal doll.” We did as she asked but only when she was around.
Our dad had not been around in a while he was busy with work and our two brothers Bradley and Timmy. I remember them throwing toys at my sister and me. One time a toy struck my eye and had given me a nice shiner. When a toy was broken, my sister and I always were always to blame. I did not even play with those types of toys at my house, so why would I play with them at their house. The bad thing was that sis and I were playing house with here dolls in a completely different room. My sister and I hated my dad’s new wife Michelle. She used to tease me calling me a baby because I played with my sister and her dolls. I liked playing with my sister and her dolls, they were prettier to look at and you cannot really dress a truck now can you. We stopped going over to dads for a very long time. Bonita one day asked Bob, Mom’s new husband, to adopt us.
The adoption was final in April of 1984 and along with it new names. My sister’s name went from Bonita Jean Dulin to Bonita Jean Hanzal and mine went from Shawn Earl Dulin to Shawn Michael Hanzal. I wanted Michelle or Marie for my middle name but mom and Bob, now Daddy Bob, were not having that in the least.
By this time, I could only sneak dress up while mom and dad were out together. Mom and Dad‘s anniversary was coming up soon. This fact had me very excited. When they would go out for dinner on their anniversary, they would leave Friday night and not came home until Sunday morning or afternoon. They would always stay in the same hotel, The Star Plaza, being only 10 to 15 minutes away they would be able to come home quickly in case an emergency happened. This weekend would be a good opportunity for me to dress up and try on some makeup with my sister willing. I started to feel all giddy inside. I am not sure why but it did but it was a feeling I seemed too long for.
It was around 6 pm when a full 2 hours after my parents had left when I tried to persuade my sister to do my makeup however; she was on the phone talking to her current boyfriend. She told me, “relax mom and dad would be gone all weekend and you can dress up all day tomorrow, now go play with my dolls and leave me alone my boyfriend is going to come over soon”. We were living in Merrillville now in an old farmhouse. Her boyfriend came over and they watched a movie, kissed, and hugged a lot on the couch. I was able to play all night with her Barbie and even take some to bed with me. I was happier then I had been in months.
The next morning sis woke me up and told me to eat breakfast and take a bath. After I got out my sister told me to get a pair of underwear on then come to her room and she would help me with my hair. When I went in to her room, she had picked out for me a cute outfit to wear then she had me sit down and started doing my hair. I had seen her doing this with her friends all I could do is smile. I was not allowed to look until she was done then she put on some makeup. It was hard not flinching when she was putting eyeliner mascara and eye shadow. It seemed like hours when she said I’m finally done.
She said, “Ok you’re finished you can get up and look in the mirror now”. I was floored with what I saw looking back at me; I could almost not believe what I saw. I stood there in disbelief that I was looking at myself. Bonita said, “You need to be careful before your face cracks from smiling that big”. I giggled when she had said that. I was a mini version of her. The cloths were a little big but overall they looked ok. We had fun for the remainder of the day playing in the yard with our dog Baloo and watching movies. I was having the time of my life.
Soon it came time for us to get ready for bed. Sis told me to clean up before bed. My heart begun to sink and the sadness came over me that I could not control. I plopped myself down on the couch and started to cry. She looking puzzled asked what was wrong. I looked at her with a fountain of tears running down my cheeks and said “I want to be like you sis”. I could tell what I had said shocked her from the look on her face. “Shawn what do you mean you want to be like me”, she asked. I said, “I want to be a girl like you with cloths, makeup, and dolls I’m so tired of wearing the same jeans and red, blue, green, and yellow polo shirts” all which had black stripes mind you.
“These plain white underwear, tennis shoes, and if I have to wear another suit I’ll die”, I confessed. Bonita was completely dumbfounded but stated, “you’re a boy that’s what you’re supposed to wear”. I began to cry harder I was crying so hard I was visibly shaking. I told her “I don’t want to be a boy when I’m all dressed up I’ve never been happier. I hate looking at myself in my boy cloths”. She softly spoke, “don’t cry silly now try and tell me why you feel this way?” I tried to explain it however; I could not explain it better than simply saying, “Somehow when I’m all prettied up it just feels right”.
“Look at what I enjoy doing. I watch She-Ra instead of He-man, Sailor Moon instead of GI-Joe, My Little Pony instead of Thunder Cats, Care Bears instead of Fraggle Rock and the Gummy Bears. I love playing with your dolls instead of the trucks or cars in my room. Sis, my toys are like brand new because I do not play with them. How many new dolls do you get to replace all the ones that we have worn out or broken?” I said. She sat down on the couch beside me and quietly said, “It didn’t even dawn on me that you really enjoyed all that stuff. I thought that I was making you do it if you wanted to play with me. I thought it would make you leave me alone and not bother me so much”.
“What about your friends in school?” Bonita asked. I practically shouted, “What friends they’re all girls. Besides all the boys tease me because I talk to the girls about what happened in Sailor Moon instead of talking to them about what happened in He-Man or what GI-Joe blew up. The boys play soccer and basket ball and I like the swings and jungle gym”. She looked in my eyes then said, “You have to stop crying if you don’t want your eyes to fall out” that made me giggle.
Bonita said, “Let’s get you cleaned up then you can wear one of my night gowns to bed. I’ll get you up early so you can change before mom and dad comes home”. It was the nicest she had ever been to me. After I was ready for bed, we talked about why I did not enjoy watching the other shows and I told her it’s the same thing every day this blows up and that blows up then the show is over. “They are so stupid”, I said. “That is why the boys like it”, she said while I giggled. The days and weeks went by sis was not as mean as she once was to me but she still found ways to tease me. I remember one time while I was watching Sailor Moon she said, “WOW these shows are to girly for even me”. I shot her a look that could have melted the North Pole.
Once Bonita had obtained her license, she was not home much. Since she was always out with her friends, we started to drift apart. It became worse when mother forced her to move out for a reason I did not understand. She took most of her cloths leaving behind only the ones that would not fit her any longer. I quickly put them in the bottom of my toy box to hide my favorite ones from mom. I was lonely without my sister and there was so much I could not do any longer without her here with me. I felt as if she deserted me just when I needed her the most; not to mention all the girly feelings inside me were growing stronger and stronger by the day. I could not talk to mom or dad because I was too scared they would yell at me especially after catching me. My god I they blew a gasket and I thought they were going to murder me with the explosion. Several times they would take turns spanking me before allowing me to go to bed and grounding me for 2 months.
After the bruises faded away, they took me to Charter Mental Hospital. The Psychologist there asked me about all kinds of things from did I like boys, I said “no boys are gross” did I get aroused when wearing girls cloths, “like no duh they just like me feel normal” I said, he asked me what I meant buy normal, I told him I didn’t know how to explain it. I did the best I could and he seemed to just sit there and write down stuff on a note pad. We talked about school and friends as he kept writing. I only saw him that one time. I had to set forever while Mom and Dad to talk with him after I was done. Then we all sat together and listened to the doctor talk about me having an identity problem. Mom was in an up roar dad tried to calm her but she was out raged she couldn’t set still, he talked about something and treatments but it would be kind of expensive. Mom yelled at me then stormed out, dad followed her out. All I could do was sit there is cry.
All the way home they took turns yelling at me they in unison said, “You were born a boy and a boy you will be even if we have to beat it into you”. I cried all the way home and ran to my room flopped on my bed and cried myself to sleep. We never went back to Charter after that day. Everything in my room was gone through, anything that was remotely girlish was thrown out and replaced with something more manly, and my room was made into the most boyish shrine in the world. With each passing change and hateful word my parents made me hate myself even more with each passing day, week and year. The older I became the more I hated myself and the more depressed I felt.
For the next four years after seeing the Psychologist and being dragged to work by my dad. I was forced to be dirty all day long with no place in sight to clean up and this is how I would stay until being able to reach home in the late afternoon. It was all I could do to keep going was to think about getting home to wash the day’s filth off my crying body and soul under the steamy water and lavender body wash. As time pasted bye though mom and dad had seemed too had forgotten about everything that had transpired. To them it was as if nothing had ever happened.
My Freshman year of high school I had my first date with a girl and I was caught up in the tradition that was homecoming. Although I was having fun with Maria something deep in my heart told me there is something wrong. She liked me a lot by her subtle displays of affection but I did not really know how to feel about this hole in my heart that was not seaming to be filled. She was as pretty as they can get but all I could do was look at her beauty and I was filled with jealousy. I think she was thinking that I really wanted to be with her when in all reality I just wanted to be her. The night was fun, confusing and mostly uneventful. We did kiss a few times but it felt weird at first but it did give me the slightest tingle.
We danced until about 10 pm then her mom picked us up from Crown Point High School and delivered me home. She gave me one last quick kiss good night before I disembarked from her Mother’s car. They drove off as I slowly walk up to the front door replaying the night in my head. Maria lived next door to my grandparent’s house on the other side of town. We only dated for a month or two as my mom was strict about going out with girls that were not in our church. I could not tell you how many times I heard her recite, “Bad associations spoil useful habits.” (1 Cor. 15:33). If you have not guess by know my mother was being re-saved as a Jehovah Witness. I think my lucky stars that dad was born and raised a Catholic because as they would argue it give me a chance to not commit to either religion.
Maria and I had different lunch hours, which caused us to not see each other much. We had come to the logical conclusion not to date anymore. We were still friends and talked to each other when we saw each other in the hall, called each other on the phone, and helped each other with homework at the library. It was not what you would call a typical breakup. We remained friends but that too seemed to be slowly drifting away as the months went by.
Around December, Nikki a girl in my lunch and science class asked me out to the movies. It was not customary to be asked out by a girl this too seemed weird to me. I always checked with dad first, as he was the easiest to talk with giving me that way to go son speech. I then let dad work on mom for me and he would always tell her it was essential to allow me room to grow, make mistakes, and use the mistakes to building character. Without fail, it always seemed to work needless to say, I went and to hopefully have a good time.
While we were setting in the theater, she took a hold of my arm, placed it gently around her, and rested her head on my shoulder. I looked down at her, lowered my head to look in her eyes, and then we kissed a long soft kiss. It made me warm inside. We seemed to stare at each other forever in disbelief as the house lights came on we got up to leave the movie theater. I walked her home and saying our good nights there would not be a kiss this time.
We meet for lunch every day and would talk in a little hiding place which we kept all to our own. Nikki had become my best friend in the world. We made each other laugh, cry, and talked about our darkest secrets together. As the days seem to fly forever forward as if we were on a speeding train to the horizon we share such personal secretes I without an ounce of doubt felt I could trust her with the only secrete I never told anyone. I told her what happened when I was 10 and about what the Psychologist said. Shock and silent for a few minutes, which in turn seemed to feel like an eternity she smiled and said, “I won’t tell anyone and if you like I will help you be who you wanted to be”.
She then told me she always knew I was hiding something and she was extremely happy I trusted her enough to share such a huge reputation destroying secrete that in one slight slip could ruin my life in high school forever. It felt nice and refreshing to pour my heart out to someone, cry, and not be made fun of. She continued to hold me. Nikki had allowed me to cry until 5 minutes before the bell rang signaling the end of lunch. As we slowly walked back into the school, from our open campus for lunch I silently thought, “Nikki seemed to understand me”.
The next couple of days we went to our, secrete little spot to read teen magazines and giggle like two little schoolgirls. To be understood without being judged brought new life to my empty heart. One day I was walking down the hallway and she came up behind me and grabbed my butt. I spun around and there she was. She leaned in close and said, "Do you know you wiggle when you walk?" I blushed and said “NO!, I don’t Nikki what on earth are you talking about”. She smiled and said, “We’ll talk at lunch”.
I had wanted to talk at that exact moment but as there was only just enough time to get to class I said in a low sassy voice “OK Missy see you then”. While eating sandwiches for lunch and looking at the new 16 magazine I asked her why she said that earlier. Nikki said that she had been watching me and studying me since I let her in on my secrete. She began to list several things she had been noticing, “You walk 1 foot almost directly in front of the other as if you are walking on a balance beam. Most guys swagger they walk with a wide offset. Completely the opposite of what you were doing”.
As I looked at her with a prove it look on my face she showed me how I was walking. Trying to walk like a guy I started to laugh almost uncontrollably at his antics. She also playfully made fun of how I held my books and how I wore my backpack. I had never paid much attention to any of the things she had told me until that very moment. Without any hesitation she said, “You’re even getting real good at helping me shop for cloths”. I was surprised when she told me how sensitive I was with other people’s problems. Nikki reminded me how I listened to her and Cindy when they were down. “Most guys would only pretend to listen but you always listen and offer advice to help shows how much you care”. I loved helping people it made me feel better knowing even though I could not help myself I made a difference for them.
Nikki and I drew even closer over the upcoming days. She even gave me the name Chrissy. She thought it would help to keep people from putting two and two together. We stayed in touch all summer and hung out at the mall and the park making sure we kept up with the latest teen magazines. The summer was a blast Nikki and Cindy, Sam, Joan, Stacey, and I hung out all summer long.
We all would sit around talking about tips on hair, cloths, shoes, makeup, boys, and skin. The girls were shocked that I seem so easy to talk to and that I wasn’t bothered with the entire girl stuff as they called it. Little did they know how much I was jumping up and down on the inside with Nikki being the only exception. They all had become very comfortable with me around and all of our friendship grew in leaps and bounds.
One day at while Nikki was teaching me how to apply my makeup, which I was beginning to do much quicker and better, there was a knock on the door. Being that Shawn was not allowed up stairs in her room so I hurried up and ran down the stairs with neither of us really giving any thought about how I was dressed or looked when we rushed down stairs to opened the door it was then I realized I was still dressed as Chrissy. As Cindy and Stacey looked at me and asked, “Who is this Nikki”? I was completely frozen in place and my mouth was not working in the least.
Nikki without missing a beat introduced me as Chrissy a shy friend she meet a earlier this summer, that they haven’t been able to meet yet even though she had talked about me to them for some time now. “Do you want to go to the mall with us?” asked Cindy. “Hey, when did Shawn leave?” questioned Stacey. Little did they know I was standing right in front of them with my heart beating so fast it was ready for it to explode. They then said, “We’re glad to finally glad to meet you”.
Nikki and I started giggling hard; they looked at us suggesting we were crazy and giggled only because we were. This only made us giggle even harder while Nikki whispered in my ear, “I can’t believe they don’t recognize you, do you think we should we tell them?” I quietly said, “I’m not sure Nikki this is really scaring me, I don’t think I’m ready for anyone else to know just yet.”
Then Nikki said, “We should have some fun, you will be fine, nobody will even know who you are but you and me, besides this would be a great test for you” with that, we were off to the mall for some shopping. I was glad dad let me work a few days for him giving me some extra spending money since they all had an allowance. As we walked around the mall in and out of numerous stores, Nikki was keeping a close eye on me, just in case someone may have saw through me. I was so nervous it was not even close to being funny. She reassured me by saying, “just relax you are doing fine and your very convincing”. We tried on different out fits at several stores like Sears, J.C. Penney's, Victoria’s Secret, and a few other teen oriented stores.
After an hour, I was finally having a lot of fun. Nikki was a great friend to have. Everyone began to get hungry so we decided to go the burger king. When we got there, it was not too busy we got our food fairly fast taking a seat by the windows looking into the mall this way everyone could stare at the guys walking around. I had been admitted to the inner sanctum. The trip to the mall was completing my indoctrination into the teen female world. Every imaginable topic had come up from of boys, hair, zits, and viscous comments about any girl not currently with us however not necessarily in that order.
Just then, Nikki gave out a screech and said, “Chrissy, OH! My God it’s Dave”. Cindy and Stacey did not know Nikki had started seeing Dave again at the beginning of the summer since he was only going to be a freshman this year. They thought she was still seeing me, well Shawn the boy me anyways. She looked at them and said, “Don’t say a word I will explain later when we leave the mall”. She begged them not to look shocked and act as if they had just seen a mortal sin. She was now so nervous at what they would think since they thought that that we were still madly in love.
Dave saw her and came over, given her a big kiss, and then sat down with us. Cindy and Stacey looked at me then back at Nikki and Dave in disbelieve. Dave did not even seem to notice, as he was too involved in talking with Nikki. Dave said that he just wanted to say hi and to make sure they were still on for the movies on Friday. Nikki said, “Yes of course we are still on, I’m looking forward to it”. He informed Nikki that John, one of his friends from Merrillville High School a sophomore was feeling down and wanted to know if it was OK for him to tag along. Nikki said, “That’s fine by me, does John have a date to bring along”.
John broke up with his girlfriend about 2 months ago, Dave explained and he had not fully gotten over her yet. I was too busy staring in his eyes to hear what they were talking about any more. John introduced himself and I could barely mutter my name. He had Deep Blue eyes that you could get lost in; I was a sucker for blue eyes. He was absolutely gorgeous and on the Varsity foot ball team this coming year. He was very muscular about 6 foot 2 inches tall. I was only 5 foot 7 inches and that seemed to make him tower over me. I then heard Nikki say, “That’s OK Chrissy can come with us and keep him company”.
I spun around and looked at her in horror, was she nuts? I can’t go out on a date with John I mean he’s a guy. Just as I was beginning to protest the idea, John took my hand and said in a very polite voice, “Would you please come to the movies with me I would be honored to have such a beautiful girl to escort”. I just about melted, He was dreamy to look at and those eyes so blue and dreamy, my god what was I thinking.
Apparently I was not thinking as clearly as I should have because as I was trying to think and say “Hell no” I blurted out, “YES!! Of course, Yes! I would Love TO”. He looked at me, smiled, and said, “The weekend won’t come quickly enough I’ll see you on Friday”. With that Dave and John left and we were all setting in utter shock. I asked to be excused so I could go to the little girls’ room. I had to clear my head. I caught myself looking back at him to get one last look before I when in to the bathroom. All the girls saw me look back at him, ‘Damn Busted’ I thought.
I sat down in a stall, went potty, thought for a moment, and could not believe what I had just done. I quickly finished, went to wash my hands, touched up my makeup, and check my hair. Nikki came in and asked, “Are you OK?” “I’m so losing my mind Nikki how you think I’m doing?” I stammered. She said, “Relax Chrissy they’re gone now, we have to get back to my house before anything else happens like them calling you, your phone ringing, and then us try explaining how you have Shawn phone that’ll look good”. We walked out, met up with Cindy and Stacey, and walked out to the car.
When we got into the car, Cindy, Stacey, Sam, and Joan were all over her asking her. Then they started to defend me, they kept asking her "What about Shawn? How could you do this to Shawn?" I never knew how much they cared about me until that very moment. Poor Nikki could not even get out a word. I could see her holding everything back and shaking her head at me as if telling me to just keep my cool and stay quite but then I just blurted out at the top of me lungs, “She’s not cheating on me we’re not dating! We haven’t been dating since summer started, all this time it has been a rouse to help me!”
Cindy hit the brakes and I thought we were going to die as she swerved to not hit a car out of sure shock. Cindy stopped the car at the park near Nikki’s house that thank god was empty. She turned around, looked at me, as Stacey’s jaw was on the floor. All day long, we had been trying on new cloths, laughing, joking, getting nails done, and pedicures and they never even knew whom I was until that second. They sat there in utter shock. We all sat silent for what seemed like an eternity before Cindy said, “Shawn!! My god what are you doing? Are you crazy or something? Did you get hit in the head really hard or something?” Well I had no choice but to swear them into silence and tell them the whole story from when I was little and everything Nikki and I had been doing up till this morning.
They did not say anything until Stacey said out of the silence, "Damn, you look hot for a guy". I started to blush and we all started laughing. Then she said, “No wonder you have been so cool with all the girl stuff when you’re with us and this explains why you were so sweet and easy to talk to and hang out with.” Then I looked at Nikki and said, “What were you thinking hooking me up with John”, she said, “Well you’re the one that shouted Yes! OH, YES!!! I would love to go with you to the movies” as she was mocking me and batting her eyes. Then it hit ‘Oh My God’ I thought, she was right I did. That made me feel somewhat weird but ‘being a girl still felt right’ I thought to myself.
When we made it back to Nikki’s house and her parents were already home. Neither of us was paying any attention to anything but talking about what we were going to wear this coming Friday. Her mom was listening to us talk like to normal school girls as Nikki poured us each a glass of pop. Then her mom said, “So you all have dates huh”? “Yes we do” Nikki said, “Even Chrissy has a date mom”. She smiled at me and said, “I’m glad that you’re meeting more people Chrissy”, she thought I had just moved here this summer. Then Nikki just had to tell her mom how I almost fell over when John asked me out. However, I then had to explain how he looked and how dreamy his eyes looked.
We went up stair and planed out what we were going to wear. We decided on outfits that we had just bought today at the mall. Nikki’s mom yelled up and asked if I would stay for dinner I said, “I have to call home and ask thank you for inviting me Mrs. Verbanzik”. I called home and mom and dad said they were going to go dawn to the river early. I asked if I could stay for dinner and go to the movies with some friends on Friday. They said I could but I had better be home by 11:00 tonight and be home by midnight all weekend and if they called, I had better answer. “Yes mom and I will call you when I got home so you don’t worry,” I said. Going down to the river meant they were going to our summer cottage on Lake Shafer by Indiana Beach.
I was so excited that they finally trust me enough to stay home by myself. That night while I ate dinner with Nikki’s mom and dad. Nikki and I told them about the day we had, of course we left out who is really was and what we told the rest of the girls. Then Nikki had to embarrass me saying, “You should have seen how she reacted when John asked her out”. I sunk my head as I felt my cheeks become hot; I was blushing so bad her dad said, “Geese look she’s glowing”. I could not even say anything my throat and mouth were not cooperating so I just giggled. We all had a good time at dinner then I helped Nikki and her mom clean up the dishes. I thanked them for such a wonderful dinner and told Nikki I should be heading home. Nikki said she would meet me tomorrow at my house tomorrow.
Tomorrow had come oh too early as I slowly crawled from my bed to begin yet another day of mundane chores. It was my responsibility to maintain the laundry, yard work and house cleaning when my parents were not home to perform these many tasks. I fully understood how irresponsible they would accuse me of being if any of my chores were not completed upon their return to the extent that I would never be allowed to stay home unsupervised at a later time. Not to mention they had trusted me to finish them since they had paid me money in advance that I usually would not receive until they had inspected my work finding it to their standard.
The first task I chose to complete was taking care of the lawn just after placing a load of laundry in the wash. I always tried to multitask in just certain ways in order to complete the list with minimal down time. There was always a way to do things faster and I was bound and determined to have the most time for myself instead of putting things off for postponing things would just lesson the time I could be having fun.
If everything when smoothly I know I could be finished either in just a few hours leaving the rest of the day to spend with my friends or in self-discovery. Just after I had finished cutting the front portion of the lawn I would change over the laundry, start another load, grab a quick drink and head back out to start work in the back. Finished with my outside work I would begin with the inside dusting, mirrors, bathroom detail, dishing and the while continuing to change loads of laundry, folding and putting them away in their corresponding locations throughout the house. As I started putting away the mop bucket after finishing the bathroom I heard to doorbell ring, I quickly looked to see who was here.
Nikki and the girls were patiently waiting to invite them in to begin another long section or girl talk. “Hey guys please help yourself you know where the TV is and pop and stuff is in the kitchen. I still have a few things I have to finish up” I said. “You mean besides taking a shower?” Cindy said while giggling. Feigning insult, I said, “Yes I know I really need a shower, Thank you for noticing my hard work.”
I finished the dishes, taken my shower, put the last load of laundry into the dryer, folded the cloths fresh out of the dryer, and put all the folded cloths away. Then I did a quick check too double check to make sure everything was done. The only thing left to do was fold the cloths in the dryer that were still drying, “ok I think it is about time I enjoyed a break while the cloths finish drying” I thought to myself.
I sat down in the living room to be filled in on all the latest gossip mostly pertaining to boys, by Stacey. The buzzer rang on the dryer signaling it was time to get back at it. I said, “I‘ll be right back when this is done I’m free as a bird for the weekend”. Sam said, “You clean house real good, would you do my house some time”. I stuck my tongue out at her and started to giggle. “Thank you”, I said, “My mom like to keep a clean house, besides we all know they would start on me about being responsible if it wasn’t all done by Sunday”. We all giggled because everyone’s parents were the same as mine. We talked about all kinds of things over the next few hours from the latest fashions to the latest teen heartthrob.
Before we knew it, it was six o’clock and the boys would be here in an hour to pick us up. I jump into the shower just to be sure, beside you can never be to clean for a date right? Then off to my room with just a towel on. After being whistled at and scolded me for not having my towel on in an appropriate girl manner, I pull it up to cover my nipples. “Here let us help you out after all it’s not every day a girl has her first date”, added Cindy. They followed me to my room and helped me pick out a sexy pair of shorts, low cut tee that said Bad girl across the chest, pair of pink socks to match my shirt and my tennis shoes.
Nikki handed me a pair of realistic breast forms, with protruding nipples, which she has lifted from her mom who works for a plastic surgeon. From the way my face felt, I know I turned an extremely bright red. Everyone enjoyed a good laugh at my embarrassment. I was now officially a size 36-C. After I was dressed, I put on my makeup and earrings and a necklace that Nikki let me borrow. The girls just stared at me all slack jawed.
I said, “How do I look?” they were still silent. “What’s wrong, tell me what’s wrong”? Cindy shook her head and said “nothing that’s the problem. You look just like a real girl; I would never been able to tell if I didn’t watch you do it myself”. “I was really worried for a second don’t scare me like that. I thought something was hanging out or something”, I said. I was assured that everything was in place and I looked fine this allowed me to relax but only just. We talked for a few more minutes and walked back to Nikki’s house to wait for the boys.
We were not there for more than a few minute before the doorbell rang and I had completely frozen in my tracks. Nikki said, “The boys are here. Are you ready”? “I’m not sure this is a good idea anymore”, I managed to say while visibly shaking. Nikki said with confidence, “You really look fine now deep breath”. Just as I was releasing my breath Nikki opened the door, the boys came in, and John was stunning wearing a pair of Blue jean shorts and a Club Naked Tank top. You could see how much he worked out. He looked at me and said, “WOW, Chrissy you look great”. I looked into his deep blue eyes and barely managed to say, “Thank you you’re not so bad yourself”. Just like that, we were off to the movies.
I have to say John was ever the gentleman, he held my hand as we walked, opened the door, paid for everything in fact he would not let me pay for my candy. He had truly impressed me. With what seemed in uncountable amount of people, which was probably, 60 or 70 here, I was nervous to say the least however Nikki would give me a smile and I knew I was OK. John was introducing me to his friends from Merrillville High School who had come tonight.
All the girls were checking each other out as if sizing up the competition. I was receiving many dirty looks. I grabbed Nikki and told her what was happening she shrugged and said, “John was on the football team, what you expect they’re cheerleaders that wanted to go out with him. Relax their just jealous don’t even worry about them”. Nikki’s reassurance however was not making me feel any better. John gently grabbed me by the waist, brushed his fingers lightly through my hair, reassuring me how pretty I looked by his heart warming smile and we took are seats.
With my mind was attempting to swim through a cloud of emotions, odd feelings were starting to effect my judgment while watching the movie. John had put his arm around my shoulder and I sat with my head against his shoulder. The other boys all had their arms around their dates as well. However, I found that liked his arm around me. I tried to ignore the strong feeling that was swelling within my chest although I have to admit that the secure and warmth of John's muscular arm around me made me feel good. I found myself snuggling into his shoulder to which he responded by pulling me closer. Despite all the action on the screen, I found I wasn’t paying much attention to the movie as I kept sneaking peeks at John's face.
As the confused and conflicting emotions were filling my mind, there was this smell that tickled my nose however I could not put my finger on. ‘How do I feel about being in John's embrace’ I thought. Starting to go over what everyone had said, “Just go with the flow, have a good time, and most importantly try not to think about anything”. My brain overloaded with all the emotions I was starting to feel. ‘Here I am on a date with a boy, A Boy, what am I thinking!’ I thought.
While pondering all this, I just looked up at John wondering where this would lead me tomorrow he looked down at me, smiled at me with those big blue eyes, and kissed me a soft sweet kiss that sent a tingle all the way threw my body. ‘He kissed me, OH MY God, I have never felt like this before’, I thought. My heart started to beat faster and my body felt like it was on fire I was getting extremely hot. As he slowly pulled away, I saw Nikki and Cindy staring at me and all I could do was blush.
At McDonald's, I was sitting in a booth with Cindy and Nikki, the other girls in the next booth and all the guys were playing a arcade game while we waited for the boys to bring the food over. Cindy and Nikki were giving me a strange look. Then Nikki leaned over and whispered to me, “We saw you two kissing. I blushed and said quietly, “Hey come on I was just as surprised as you, believe me”. Cindy said “Yeah Right, it looked like you were surprised” then I said “No! Serious don’t even joke like that I’m just coming out of shock here” I shot them a stern glance "Fine, besides it was cute huh Nikki?” said Cindy. Nikki looked at me and said, “we’re ganna have to talk about this latter, shhh, the boys are coming”.
John and Dave walked Nikki and I back to her house. I was afraid for anyone to know where I lived. Not to mention all the problems that would start if mom and dad found out about Chrissy. I thanked John for a wonderful time. As we approached the door of Nikki’s house with his hand touching my face, his finger sliding down my cheek I looked away from him. He turned my head with my heart beating ever faster he lifted my chin and before I could react, his lips were pressed against mine for the second time that evening. I put my hands against his chest in and attempted to push him away.
However, I found my resistance to his advance fading as rapidly as a shooting star. I fell backwards into the side of the house as John's kisses became more passionate. My lips resisted for perhaps a millisecond, before allowing his probing tongue access as our tongues touched, suddenly, like somebody flipping a switch until my breath was taken away, I wanted so much to be a girl for John. I wanted to be his girl. I put my arms around his neck, trying to pull him closer to me, while I returned his kisses with pent up passion of my own. Never had I felt like this before, not with any girl, not with anyone.
John slid his hand up inside my top, caressing my skin and my skin was electrified. Nikki said loudly “hey me parents are home and might be looking out the windows people”. John gently touched my arm and said, “I wish you didn't have to go” just before he bent down to gave me another long kiss. As I walked toward Nikki’s front door of her house, I was melting inside. I never felt so free, so whole, so....me.
I walked home in a daze after they had left; Nikki called to make sure I got home all right. I assured her I was fine just a little tired. She said, “OK we will talk when I came over tomorrow. Good night”. “Good night Nikki, I will see you tomorrow”, I said, hung up the phone, and fell asleep dreaming of a boy.
I woke up the next morning to a banging on my bedroom window, looked out and saw Nikki. I said, “Hang on and I’d open the door”. Much to my surprise as I opened the door, the whole gang was present and accounted for. While looking at me they busted out in laughter. “What is so funny”, I asked. “Did you have a rough night?” Stacey asked. The puzzled look must have suggested that I had no clue what she was talking about. Then she said, “Chrissy, your makeup is all smeared and you’re still in the same cloths”. “Oh right, come in and I’ll get cleaned up”, I said still half asleep.
Upon coming out of the bathroom and taking a seat next to Nikki on the couch, they were well into gossip and other talk about last night. Nikki had given them a detailed account about what had happened when the guys dropped us off. I sat there with my hands pressed into my lap while they stared at me in disbelief and so begins the questions; these were questions I had no real answers for and made me even more confused then I already was. “What it felt like?”, “How good of a kisser was he?”, “Are you gay?”. My head was spinning and my emotions were going north, south, east, and west all at the same time. I could not even keep track of who was asking what. I finally broke down and started crying.
Nikki ever the big sister came to my defense yelling at Sam for asking the gay question. They all snapped into sobbing sister mode at we all started crying together. They all tried to calm me down the best they could which took awhile. “Chrissy, like, I don’t know what to say,” said Stacey. “I’m so terribly sorry. We were just, joking around. We didn’t really think you’re actually that way or anything.” Joan said, “We weren’t trying to hurt your feelings”. Cindy said, “Hey, we’re buds for life, aren’t we? We goofed. We’re sorry.”
When I finally stopped crying, I tried to answer their questions slowly as best I could. I was just so confused. I said, “I never ever, ever have had the desire to kiss a boy.” “My head was spinning while at the theater and the weird thoughts I had at the mall when I went to the girls’ room after being asked out. I can’t even put into words how my soul finally seamed filled”.
They listened to my every word so quietly I was getting more nervous than I was before. Cindy stood up and said "Honey I don't care if you’re gay or not gay. But what I think from all like you've told us and the way you have even acted while dressed in guy cloths, you have been like a sister to me." Nikki chimed in with "What I think is to me you've always been Chrissy and I have no Idea who this Shawn guy is we're talking about." I could not help but to start crying all over again. While I was trying to talk threw my tears I managed to say, "That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." I started to feel better herewith my best friends in a group hug that would make Barny barf.
Once again I went to the bathroom to clean up as soon as I came out they said “OK sister spill it." I said, "Spill what?" They looked at me and laughed, I was so puzzled until Stacey said, "Honey you still have a question or two to answer, like Is he a good kisser?" I could feel my face turning red as I started to sweat. "I don't know I've never kissed a boy before." They look at me and said, “Well he must have been for you to turn that red. Besides, you have kissed girls before and you've kissed Nikki so let’s hear some comparisons.
First off, I told Nikki that she was a great kisser. She gave me a thank you and assured me that mine were great as well. We all giggled a little as I was trying to continue. “It felt different from anything I have ever felt before kissing anyone ever”, I said. “I was so absorbed in being Chrissy that the thought of really being Shawn and a guy was lost. All I knew was that I was Chrissy, a girl, and that was all that mattered. Everyone accepted me as just one of the girls and how I felt was this is who I am and have always been. “Hell I don't even know who Shawn truly was. I felt small and yet secure in his arms”. They just smiled and said, “Now you know how we feel”.
Stacey said, "OK well now that that is settled I think we need to set some ground rules for our new sister." I said, "Ground rules what you mean ground rules?” Nikki said, "Well I think I should start this one. First of all Chrissy, You really need to be more careful about losing control. After all what would have happened if John had gotten his hands up to your bra and that implant could have fallen out of that bra last night?" I was shocked.
"Don't get me wrong hon., I don't mean to remind you of being a well you know it's that well hon. your plumbing and body is not exactly up to par, It’s just that you could get beaten up or even worse if someone found out. I don't want you to get hurt." She was right I did lose control and was so close to being found out last night. Cindy said, “From what Nikki told us if she hadn't of yelled you might have been in real trouble last night." I said, "Well your right you’re both right, I was just so caught up in the moment I wasn't thinking. I was well… I'm not sure where my mind was but it wasn't on being Shawn that's for sure."
Joan was giving me her well duh that’s for sure look, as she was giggling at me. Therefore, they all took turns with laying down a nice long list for me to try to remember of what not to do or let happen. They reassured me one of them would always go with me everywhere to; insure I kept somewhat of a level head. So, with all the ground rules set it was time to figure out what we were going to do today. We decided to head down to Francher Lake. Beach, water, guys, and sun I mean what was there really to decide right?
It's not a big lake but right in town at the fair grounds it was a great location, close, and everyone hangs out down there. I stood up went to my room and put on my swim trunks, a tank top and grabbed a towel. When I came out, they asked, “What the hell are you wearing like what are you doing”. I said "What I got ready to go, so we going or what?" They looked at me then they said, “Well we want our sister to go that’s all’. “Are you nuts I can't. My makeup would like run if I got into the water beside I don’t have anything to wear anyways”.
Nikki looked at me and said "Sis I got you don't worry about a thing. Go get your bra, falsies, put on that sun dress you bought the other day, and lets go." As we walked to Nikki's house, I felt like the whole world was looking at me and of course we ran into Cindy's boyfriend Rich. I was mortified. Cindy handled the situation with ease “Rich, you remember Chrissy from last night don't you?”
He said, “Yeah your dating John right?” I said, “Well I just met him Thursday and last night was only our first date I wouldn’t say we’re going steady just yet”. I was so scared and blushing at that moment I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself. He asked, “What are you up too, Cindy”? She said, “We’re going to Nikki's, then my house, and the whole gang is meeting up at Francher”. He said, “Cool the guy's were thinking about heading there too just let me see if a few other guys wanted to go and I’ll see you there”.
When we got to Nikki's house Nikki's mom and dad said hi and she told them we were heading down to the beach. “We’re going our suits on and heading out” Nikki said. I followed Nikki up to her room and she handed me a bathing suit and asked me to go put it on. The top was a Black Speedo full coverage top that held my falsies in place very good. It gave them just a little bounce without making them look to fake. The bottoms matched the top and were tight enough to hold my unsightly bits tightly tucked away in place between my legs giving me the flat appearance that a normal girl should have.
They were also a little thicker material then the string bikini she was wearing. She also gave me a small tie rap to go with it “just in case you need to cover up anything in an emergency this way you can head to the bathroom and get it all put back away” she said. “Sit down you ready for another quick lesson?” She put on some mascara, eyeliner, and then some eye shadow. I looked at her like she was crazy. "Isn't that going to run together and smear when you get into the water? You said you were going to get into the water didn't you?"
She looked at me, smiled and said, "Honey you have a lot to learn yet little one, every girl has some water proof makeup and just be glad you don't have facial hair to worry about." I smile and said, "Well I haven’t been a girl long you know this is still new to me." I put it on just as she did, even though it wasn't much I did somewhat feel better. To be honest, I was feeling kind of naked being out in public without make-up on. I was amazed at how much of a crutch it could be.
We headed to Cindy's house to meet up with her she only lived one block from the beach and she was ready and waiting for us when we got there. Cindy gave me that shocked look and from the look I must have had, Cindy blurted out “no honey you look fine I just can't believe how good you look that's all”. I felt a sigh of relief come over me, with my fear was subsiding; we were off for the beach.
When we arrived at the beach, we checked out the guys, picked the best spot, laid out our towels, and put on sunscreen. I used a very high sunscreen because I burn easy. The guys were over by the diving board showing off and we just watched and laughed at their expense. We laid out talking about guys and what we wanted to do before summer ends and school start back up. Just then, I heard a voice that sent shivers up and down my body. I opened my eyes and looked up and much to my disbelief was John and Dave. I was at a loss for words. He said that Rich stopped by Dave’s and asked if they were going to come down.
“I wasn't ganna come until Rich said you would be here” said John. I thought to myself, "I'll have to kill, um thank him later." I was flattered but I was scared too with my body was saying, lose control again, jumping him right now here on the beach but my mind was screaming NO! Nikki Help! as my body and mind were at war with one other. “Do not look him in the eyes fight it. God those eyes are like sapphires pools lit by the moonlight” I silently thought.
I told him I was glad to see him too, but then he asked me if I would go out with him again. My jaw dropped and I didn't know what to say. I could not believe this was happening again the feelings were building up inside of me making me so confused. I was trying to remember the rules but I just couldn't think straight. Nikki thank god came to my rescue again and said "Ahh, let’s get into the water and cool you two both off before you make another seen like last night".
As we headed into the water the guys were calling John to join them diving off the diving board to show off some cool trick type dives so they might impress the girls there watching. Us girls had a good laugh as they acted like fools trying to outdo each other. It was all very amusing watching them try to do back flips, forward flips, and some things there was no name to even attempt to call it. We did a lot of cheering and egging them on with our cat calls cheering for our guys giving them a lot of false courage to try attempt crazier stuff.
Rich was trying to do some weird kind of spinning flip dive and did a pain full belly flop. At that point, I was giggling so bad I almost started crying. Cindy and the other girls were giggling just as hard as I was then it came. Then the challenge as old as primordial ooze its self “if you think you can do better than let’s see you try it, come on let’s see sweet cheeks” said Steve. The guys were very playful but it was a challenge never the less. Nikki said, “You know, we don’t want to make you manly men look bad now."
The more we teased the more jeering they were doing for us to prove it. Then the bets started “if one of you girls can do better then we'll do anything you ask but, if you can't then we get whatever we want” put in Dave. Then I just had to ask, “so say we lose what you want us you do?" The answer sent shivers all though my body that I almost froze in place. "We want to see some titties right here out in the open." Dave said. Nikki without missing a beat said, "Then you’re going to lose some pants then. Be sides we have a secret weapon."
They all laughed at the concept that we had a secret weapon that could possibly beat them. Nikki’s next words were just increasing my fear of being discovered, “Well if you think it’s’ so funny except the challenge unless you’re scared”. “We’re not scared; so we have a deal then?” The next words that came from both sides made me start sweating even though the water was 70 degrees or so and it was in the 90's so far all summer long. The words "DEAL" I looked at her in utter horror.
She motions us into a circle and I said, “Hello earth to Nikki, what are you doing trying to get me found out?” with the other girls agreeing with me. Then Nikki said, "Everyone calm down, Chrissy you dove for our school last year right?" I said "Yes but this is different, I’ve never did a in one of these before. Let alone with tits. What if they pop out or I lose my bottoms, what then?" she trying to calm me done as she always manages to do although I’m still not quite sure how she does it.
She looked at me and said softly " "Look Chrissy you set like 5 records last year’s this is a piece of cake, beside none of them have your training on a board, they don't even move that thingy that I watched you move all the time when I came to you meets. Beside nothing has moved yet right so don't worry we’ve got your back hon." She was right of course but I was beyond ready to throw up. They picked Steve to do the diving for boys. Steve who was one of Dave and John’s friend from Merriville High School, although he was not on the diving team but he did know a few good dives that I had noticed him do earlier. Nikki screamed, “Fine Chrissy will dive for us.
At that, I climbed Out of the water and walked to the board. I asked “Can I could do a few warm up dives? I haven’t been on the board all day”. The guys agreed to let me to 2 practice dives then the contest begins. I did a warm up approach to see how the board flexed and how fast the board reacts. I adjusted the board to the way I felt good with it even though they started in with jeers of their own; “We don't have all day here sweetness”, and “hey sexy don't be too scared to actual go off this year OK the water not going to hurt you”.
Not like I wasn't nervous enough. Well I did two basic dives, the board felt good, flexible, and nothing seemed to move. I was feeling better about this and starting to get a little sassy. Steve said “Ladies first” and I replied, “go ahead do all three of your dives cause I only need one” yes I was really getting sassy. At that, all the guys started laughing at me as if I was insane or something. John walked over, gave me a kiss, and got yelled at for fraternizing with the enemy. Dave told Steve to teach me a lessen and he nodded. I just stood there and smiled. Steve did a one and a half flips in the tuck position and dove into the water.
He said, “Beat that” with a satisfied grin as he was coming up the ladder. I said, “OK I'll do it in the pike position that’s harder right?” Everyone nodded. I walked to the end of the board and then took five steps back to my starting position as I was taught. I started my approach and left the board did my one and a half pike and entered the water perfectly. All the guy’s jaws fell open like what the hell just happened. They all started jeering Steve, “Are you going to let some girl show you up like that?” asked Dave. Steve went to the end of the board, did a single back flip, and landed feet first in the water. Feeling sassier because I know I can do a back and a half pike. “Those guys' think I wouldn't try a back flip because I was a girl ha this will show them” I thought to myself.
However, I said “Is that it that’s the best you got?" while trying to suppress my giggling. I could see he was getting pissed because of being put on the stop by a girl, but he was even more pissed when I finished my back and a half. We could tell the guys were starting to get nervous by how they kept telling Steve that it was OK and they knew he could beat me with his best dive next to come. The girls were cheering me on. Steve said, “OK you’re never going to beat this one, a forward two and a half somersaults”.
For someone not on a team he did dive very well and completed the dive with grace. Steve extremely pleased with himself got back out of the water and said, “So you just want to show me those sweet titties now and save some embarrassment?’ I looked at him, "Not when I can see all of you have to drop your shorts," I said while smiling as sweet as I could. Nikki screamed, "Come on Chrissy just do it we want to see their little man hood shrivel up when you whoop their ass, it's all yours now babe." Steve was screaming back, “Not a chance in hell she going too top that”.
I smiled at him then walked over to John kissed him and said "Honey get ready to drop them for me when I come back up because those shorts are mine baby." They all just looked at me in wonder and Steve asked, “so what you going to do then little miss thing”? I looked, smiled and said, “Just watch little boys”. I lined up, did one of the best, hardest dives in my arsenal a full twisting one and a half, and I hit the water perfect. When I came up and looked at the guys standing there they were in disbelief. John looked at me with a big sexy smile and said, "Baby when I'm beat, I'm beat."
He took off his shorts, threw them to me, and said, “Well we lost; at least let’s go out with some dignity”. I missed catching his shorts cause I was too busy staring and mentally slapped myself for looking at all of his glory. The rest of the guys followed suit and then they all jumped in and swam out to us waiting. John swam up and suddenly yet softly kissed my cheek just in front of my ear. I was deeply annoyed by the tingle that went down my spine.
We swam around letting the guys chase us and begging us for their shorts. When we finally gave them back they asked how I learned to dive like that, I told them that I learned it last year at a summer camp diving school. John and I swam for a little while then I was getting cold and said that I was going to head back in and warm up. John and I left and went back to my towel as I lay down and started to put my sunscreen back on and John offered to help me. I told him, “Only if you behave”. His touch was soft and gentle I could have died right then and been forever happy.
Here I was being accepted as a girl being massaged with sunscreen lotion all over my body and it was as if all my dreams were coming true. After he finished I was like putty all mushy and gooey. Then John asked, "You never did get to answer my question." I asked him if I could tell him something and asked to him to please not be mad. The girls had me practice this in our rules section that I needed to tell him that I was not in the whole sex thing to get the idea that last time was a freak accident.
I told him that I was not acting like myself last night and had some issues with myself about my action. He gave me a confused puppy dog look. I told him that I had a very bad experience the first time and that the next time I want it to be with someone who really loves me. I told him that it was so bad that the next person would have to marry me so that I knew I wasn't just another notch on their belt. He looked at me, smiled at me, and said that he could behave and that sex was not that important to him.
John said, “I once had a bad experience too so I kind of know how you feel”. “Will you be coming to Stacey’s party, because I would like to go with the prettiest girl in CP”. I said, "Well you might want to get some glasses because I was far from that." Nikki and Dave came up and asked, “What’s up?” and John politely told them that he was waiting for an answer if I would go to Stacey's Party with him in two weeks. I told him, “I‘m not sure if I am able to go yet, it depends on my parents plans”. He said, “That’s OK I understand what that’s like, but if you do come I will be there waiting for you”.
The rest of the guys came up and said, “Hey John were heading over to the park to play some b ball you want to join us or just stare at her all day”. John had a look as if he would have rather just drool over me all day but, he said, "Yeah, yeah I'm coming" and then right before he turned he lifted my chin and pressed his lips to mine his kisses were so full of passion they made me melt like butter in the hot sun. He pulled away slowly and said, "You know you really are quite beautiful today" with that he left.
We continued to layout and talk about the guys after they left. We had many good laughs because they were so cocky on that board. Joan said, "God I'll never forget their faces when you did that last drive, it was awesome Girl." We all took turns telling what part was our favorite part about what happened. It started getting boring down at Francher so we decided to head back to Nikki's place.
As we were walking, Stacey asked, “Are you going to come to my party”? I’m not sure I have no clue what my parents are doing that weekend and besides there are going to be a lot of people from school there”, I said. “After all, your back to school parties have been legendary since seventh grade”. “So what”, Cindy said. I replied to Cindy saying, “Well Cindy for one thing I’m scared of being found out or recognized”. They all reassured me that I would be fine they didn't even recognize me when they saw me the first time. “Not to mention Chrissy the only people in school that really know what you are, are on the swim and diving team”, said Stacey. “Exactly”, I told her “and some of them would be there that’s my problem besides what do you mean they're the only people”?
They took turns explaining how I dressed and that all of my cloths guy cloths were so neutral looking and that they heard people question if I was a boy or girl before they just never said anything so they didn't hurt my feelings. I then asked, “What about the fact that I dated Maria and Nikki?” Nikki said "People don't even remember the fact that you dated her cause you guys only like dated a month or so, and as for me well I'm bi remember so you'll not get any brownie points with dating me besides who did you date in junior high even?, Nobody did you”.
It hit me she’s right I never really dated at all. “I mean there was Tammy who was now an open Lesbian, Clara openly Bi and Christina she was at least straight I think but that was it, right”? Geese I hate when Nikki’s right. I've always been hiding from everyone and I didn't really have any friends but them. My only true friends were these girls right in front of me. I didn't even hang out with any guys from school swim team or really otherwise. Besides the fact that her parents took care of the fairgrounds (where we were at this moment) and I hadn't been given a weird look all day.
"Hey Chrissy, you did just fine at the beach today and that’s where the party is going to be anyways it will be dark and John will be here." Stacey cooed.
I could feel myself blush at that last part. She was right but getting so close to school starting was really nagging me. “What if somebody recognized me after school started? That and John I didn't know how I was going to handle this much longer” thinking silently to myself. “It just feels like I’m getting way in over my head” I said with a saddening tone. The walk back to Nikki's seemed short with all the thoughts going through my head. When we arrived, we changed, and talked about what everyone was going to wear to the party. Everyone finally decided it would be another mall trip to get new outfits for the party, which was really an excuse to go shopping again, but hey, that’s what we girls do.
The days seemed to fly by so fast, the party being just 1-day away mom and dad would be heading back down to the river, and they finally agreed to let me stay and go to the party after talking to Stacey’s Mom. Stacey's mom told them she would be there the entire time to supervise the party so my mom was OK with me going. My mom just wanted to make sure that we kids were not pulling a fast one.
Mom and dad were leaving in about an hour and Nikki and the girls were to pick me up around 4pm about 2 hours from now. I was running around trying to get all my chores done before they left to get the most amount of money to go shopping with. I managed to complete everything just before they left even the lawn and laundry. Dad handed me 50 dollars for my choirs and Mom handed me an extra 50 for spending money to eat or buy something for myself. Mom was proud that I have been getting everything done without being told.
She told me that these girl friends have been a good influence on me, she just didn't understand why she never meet any oh my guy friends. “Well mom they’re more interested in computers, football and I don’t really get into that stuff you know that, besides don’t I get teased enough for arts and crafts,” I said with a slight tinge of anger. “Look mom I get the inside track on how the girls think and what they want it’s a good trade off”. “Nikki's friends have boyfriends too that hang out with us so you could say that I hang out with guys a lot too.” Mom just nodded as if she understood but I could tell that she just was not happy with that answer. I pleaded with her not to pry too much.
I was so hard to keep secrets from my mom she would rearrange my room and use that as an excuse to search it for anything however, I knew she was looking for secrete notes. When she found them, she would read them and all the questions would start making me feel as if I was on trial. Then she would tell me, “if they are so private, you should learn to hide them better”. That is when I started to hide them in the attic. She would never go up there and nothing was ever stored up there, beside the access for it was in my closet and mom need a ladder to even reach it.
I could however crawl up my shelves, open it, then crawl up, and hide everything up there in a duffel bag. Therefore, if it was important that is where it went. Mom and dad left about a half hour late as I was on the phone talking to Nikki and we were planning where all we need to go and get. I was making a list of things I need like more foundation, eyeliner, panty hose and stuff like that. Mom came over, gave me a kiss, and said, “What’s this?” “Oh this”, I said, “ah… I’m just ah… keeping a list to help Nikki as we go shopping later so she doesn’t forget anything”. Then mom grabbed the phone, and told Nikki, “You better keep him out of trouble while we're gone”. Mom laughed and then handed the phone back to me and they left.
Mom and dad always drove the same way and I called Joan on three-way calling to see when they pasted her house because she lived next to the highway. Joan told us we they had gotten on the on ramp to the highway, and then I knew it was safe to get my stuff down from the attic. Mom and Dad didn't know where Joan lived and that was why. One time they had told me they were leaving when in reality, they only went for something to eat then came home I was so close to being busted. When they came home, they said they forgot something when I knew they were just checking up on me. So every since that night everyone has been very helpful in keeping Chrissy from my parents. Joan gave the all clear and Nikki said, “We'll be right there Chrissy”.
The girls picked me up right on cue and we were on our way off to the mall. Here I was just one of the girls laughing and talking about boys, hair, cloths, and makeup. I was accepted into the inner sanctum just like a real girl. We did not leave one store unturned when looking for cloths and jewelry to wear to the party. The girls helped me pick out a nice short black dress for the party. They said I needed to look nice for the party and for my boyfriend. “Boyfriend?” I thought, “I have a boyfriend, I could live with that”. I asked the girls, “What do you mean boyfriend, it’s not like he has asked me to go steady or anything”.
“Well you like him and he obviously likes you,” said Stacey. “Yes but,” Stacey cut me off before I could continue. “You need to stop thinking about it girl, besides this might be the last time Chrissy will be able to go out till next summer” said Stacey. This was the last time for Chrissy to go out. That thought made me shudder with an indescribable sadness. I looked at myself in the mirror and with the sadness starting to overwhelm me I began started to cry. “Chrissy are you OK?” asked Nikki. All I could do was shake my head and hurry back into the dressing room.
I heard a small commotion outside as I was trying not to make a sound with tears flowing down my face. There was a knock at the door and then I heard a voice ask to come in. It was Nikki she took one look at me and immediately knew why I was crying. “Oh honey you will always be Chrissy to us lets get you dressed and fix this mess you made of you makeup.” she said wile brushing the tears from my cheek. She was my best friend and could read me like an open book. She knew without me saying a word that I was upset about knowing Stacey was right; Chrissy would have to go away after tomorrow night. She helped me finish changing in silence then just gave me a big hug. After she helped me do a quick fix on my makeup and we left the dressing room to pay for my dress.
Today I was so excited I could barely contain myself because the party was tonight. I managed to get all my chores done in record timing and spent the afternoon reading a couple of the teen magazines I had picked up from the mall last night. It was almost 4 O’clock before I knew it. Time to get ready for the Party I would never forget. I stopped briefly in front of the mirror to look at myself. I almost didn’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore. I have been taking really good care of my skin and hair for almost a year now and I couldn’t believe the differences it made. My skin and hair was softer and longer. My face was that of a teen goddess and I did not see the awkward geeky boy any longer, just a beautiful girl screaming to be free.
I took extra time in the shower washing my hair taking in the sweet strawberry scent of my shampoo. After rinsing my hair and applying conditioner, I checked my body to see if there were, any touch-ups that I needed to do while the conditioner worked its magic. I slowly scrubbed my body with a louffa sponge peeling all the loose dead skin away leaving only the soft silky skin behind. I grabbed my razor to make doubly sure my legs would be smooth for John.
I finished by rinsing the conditioner out of my hair, turning off the shower, brushed my teeth, rinsed real good, then left the bathroom, and headed to my room. After drying off, I applied a strawberry lotion all over my body. As I was applying the lotion, I giggled at the thought of John caressing my legs. I finished getting ready with just minutes to spare. “Wow” I thought, “my priorities have certainly changed as far as getting ready for a party”. I checked myself once more in the mirror just before leaving the house to meet Nikki and the girls. I was ready as far as being presentable went, but mentally, I was a wreck.
It was a quarter after seven and I was fit to be tied. John was not here and I was very uncomfortable being in close proximity of so many people I knew from school. Nervous wreck no I was a derailed freight train would be a better description. Nikki and Cindy took me to the side because they come see I was distressed and visibly shaking. I said, “Everyone was staring at me and John’s not here. I‘m so scared that someone was going to put two and two together, and if they do I am so screwed”. Just then, Nikki looked past me, then back at me, smiled and said, “Relax, take a deep breath, now turn around”. I did as she said and when I turned around there was John heading toward me.
I saw a few of the girls follow him with their heads wondering who he was and who he was here for. Much to his credit, his eyes never took their focus off me. As he walked toward me, I was frozen in my tracks unable to move. He walked up to me, placed one hand on my check, one hand around my back, and pulled me into a deep passionate kiss; you could feel all the way down your body through your toes. He slowly pulled away and said.”You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen”.
Oh was he working the charm tonight. I could see disappointed looks all around the room as he held me tight. The expressions on those faces ran from admiration ‘you go girl’ to ‘Damn maybe I don’t have a chance with him now…’ We danced and talked as time was working against us. Then John said, “Hey let’s take a little walk down by the beach” walking hand and hand I was on cloud nine; at that, moment I wished the night would never end. The moon and stars beautifully lighted the night sky as we sat down on a bench. I put my arms around his neck pulling him in close to kiss his lips thinking I could kiss him forever.
He ever so gently touched my naked leg sending shivers down my spine. His touch was so soft, caring and not once did he try to go too far respecting my boundaries at all times. He would only touch what was already exposed to the night sky never in the slightest making me feel uncomfortable. Little did he know how much I longed to feel his touch over every inch of my body. The more I was touching and caressing his chest the hotter. The warning bells started to go off in the back of my mind so I knew I had to start bringing him back down. My mind was a whirling conflict-ion of emotions.
“Hey love birds,” Stacey said, “it’s almost time to rap the party so the last two songs are going to be slow ones so I didn’t want you two to miss it”. My mind was saying “God she really perfect timing, Thank you, but my body was saying Please go away” however, I said, “We’re coming”. We walked back to meet up with everyone as the last songs were starting.
He held me tight as I rested my head on his shoulder and he leaned his head to mine as we danced. John softly whispered, “I wish this night would never end”. “Me too”, I whispered back. I lifted my head to look in his eyes with a longing. He looked back at me into my soul as if he understood and softly pressed his lips to mine as the last song “Unchained Melody” ended.
Authors Note: Sorry for taking so long but real life issues took over there for a bit, however I am happy to report work is becoming less hectic no more 7-days straight and surgery in August went great. I have started part 5 but it is slow goings as I’m working 6 days 12 hours with 2 hours drive time. This limits my writing to my one day off in-between house work. So enjoy and I’ll get back at it. Sincerely, Chrissyfire
“Here we go after you,” Scott said. “Thanks Scott, but you didn’t have to do that”, I told him while obviously blushing. “It’s OK I wanted to, well I gotta jet see you around,” and with that Scott took off down the hallway. “Oh I’m not so sure going to that party was a good idea anymore,” I told Stacey. “I don’t know if I would say that he’s cute besides boys’ should open doors for girls”. “Yeah that’s my point”, I said, “Why do you think I was trying to open it for you guys”.
“Now don’t start that again you just need to relax besides if they want to see you as a girl then why not let them,” said Cindy. “Well maybe I don’t want them to find out later and kick my ass for trying to fool them,” I said as manly as I could. “Oh you’re reading too much into it Chrissy, come on let’s get to class”, said Nikki.
The days seamed to pass to slowly that I noticed I hadn’t been paying much attention in my 4th hour class and when I looked done at my notes is when I saw that I had written John Marlow over and over several times surrounded by hearts, flowers, and rainbows. “God, I must be really losing my mind”, I thought as the bell rang. I was so glad to see everyone at lunch. I quickly got my tray and sat down next to Cindy. Before I knew it, we were all in the latest gossip from what had been happening since the summer ended. Everyone was discussing, who was with whom and who was open for the taking.
Cindy asked me, “Shawn, how are things going with ah, well you know?” and then in a whisper said, “John”. I was ever so eager to tell them about our latest date. Nikki and the girls were so happy to be back in school. It was a little easier for them being in a more popular crowd. I was not so happy to be back in school and was longing for the last days of summer to still be here. I wanted to be Chrissy, to be myself again and not this lowly shadow of a person not noticed.
As past, I was still seeing John whenever the chance would arise on the weekends, watching him play, and cheering his team to win. He was a very good football player. After the games we would go and hang out at Denny’s and the boys would talk about how they did, the girls about how great there boyfriends looked playing in their uniforms. I often had many second thoughts about who I was and many times filled with self-doubt but whenever I was in John’s arms those doubts seamed to fade away until there was only the feelings I had for this Boy. I was comfortable being on Johns arm and more time we spent together, the more I enjoyed being his Girl.
Sometimes John would be a little upset that I did not bring my school ID with me so we could go to the dance after the games. Truth is that not bringing it was the only thing saving me from being discovered. However, he made me promise to bring my ID next week because he had a surprise for me. He knew I did not take promises lightly and knew if I made one, it would be kept and only an act of GOD would keep me from fulfilling a promise to him, but how I going to pull this one off was beyond me.
Therefore, the girls and I developed a plan that just might work. I had always had an uncanny ability with computers and Cindy working as an office aide. Nikki being a teacher’s aide and Stacey is the Guidance Aid. The plan was for Nikki to get Mrs. Bordings office to be open so I could sneak in and access the computers in the office in order to change my school records in the system. Then I would set a new copy to print out in the office for Cindy to snatch up and replace the old ones in my permanent folder.
Once the records in the computer where changed with my new name and sex I would have to get dressed up and then get my new School ID taken by Stacey in the Guidance office. Therefore, the plan was set and now all we had to do was make it work without being caught and if anyone caught us, we would all be in serious trouble and could face expulsion or at least suspended.
I watched the clock nervously Wednesday until it was time. I asked Mr. Kellum to use the restroom and left the class to go meet Nikki in Mrs. B’s office. So far so good, I knew I would only have a short time before Mr. Kellum would wonder why I was one so long.
Cindy had giving me a password of one of the secretaries the day before. That helped immensely or it may have taken too long to hack the password in such a short time. I had all the information changed in a matter of two minutes then programmed a delay in the printing to make sure it would print at a give time so Cindy could get ready to receive them.
I got back just as Mr. Kellum was coming out to see what was taking me so long. I told him that my stomach was hurting real bad and cramping. He said, “OK hurry back to your seat and finish up your work there is not much time left”. I hurried to finish my work before the bell rang and it would be time to start phase two of the plan. In the hall way I told Cindy what time it would be printing so she would be ready.
Only part three of the plan was I still nervous about meeting Nikki and Sam to get ready for my Picture. This would mean transforming into Chrissy in school, in a very short time, and to get in and out of the guidance office undetected. I was praying that everyone would be too busy getting into their lockers and not notice me. Right before the last bell the office and guidance would empty to monitor the halls and the buses so this was the only time that the records and my new ID could happen.
It all had to be timed just right or we would be caught for sure. As soon as the last bell rang, I hurried to the only unisex bathroom in the school right next to the main office. Sam had my cloths and Nikki had the makeup. I had to change really quick and Nikki did my makeup cause she was much faster then I was while Sam was on hair duty. Joan was watching and making sure that no one came in and disturbed us. I was all finished in record time. Therefore, there was only one thing to do.
As I stepped out of the bathroom I looked up and down the halls only to see that the halls were not completely empty, the fear and sweat running down my back as we rushed straight to the guidance office and success so far no one had noticed a thing. Cindy met us there and said, “OK the switch has been made and you’re now officially a girl”.
She handed me my old records so we could place them back when that time came. I set down in the chair and Stacey took my picture. It would take a full five minutes until it would be finished printing. As soon as it finished we headed out the door and almost knocked over one of the counselors who advised us to slow it down. We did it and with not a moment to spare. So with my new ID in hand we walked to Nikki’s house this way I could clean up before going home.
The rest of week seemed to drag on as I anxiously waited for the weekend to come. I desperately wanted to know what the surprise John had in store for me. Finally, the last bell rung on Friday I was so looking forward to see John again. I had barely gotten to talk to him this week on the phone. He gave me no hints as to what he had in store although I believe it was his way of making sure we could go to the after game dance.
My Parents had left a half hour ago to head down to the river. They had asked me to come but they knew since football season had started there was not a game that I had missed yet. I arranged to meet up with Sam so I could change over at her house and then have John meet me there. Sam just lived around the corner from me, her mom was a bartender working the closing shift so she would not be home until about 4am, and her dad was no longer around. Many thoughts flooded my mind while I was getting ready, “Am I being stupid, crazy, or just stark raving mad?” I would have to wait to answer those questions as John’s car had just pulled up. “He’s walking to the door Chrissy are you ready?” asked Sam.
“My god Chrissy you never stop getting more beautiful do you,” said John as he offered his hand to walk me to the car. I blushed as I took his hand and politely said, “Thank you John”. I eased myself into the car eager to find out what John had planned for us tonight. Much to my surprised John stopped the car on the square and said, “OK give shall we get something to eat.” “Ok but just something quick I don’t want to make you late.” I said. “Don’t worry we have plenty of time before the game that is why I still wanted to pick you up at 6 tonight.” “Still, but John always picks me up at six every Friday,” I thought to myself.
We took our seats inside of Thousand Islands a restaurant and local hang out of teens to get a cheap bite to eat before our games located only a 5-minute walk from my high school. As I look around there were many eyes on us, well me in particular. Some of the faces were saying “What the Hell? While others were saying I thought so”. John is only focused on me and I seemed to forget all the eyes that were upon us while I basked in his warming smile. I checked my watch as were had just finished eating and said, “Oh god John we’re going to be so late, it’s fifteen minutes till seven”.
“No we’re not I don’t have to play tonight,” John said, we’ll down “so I thought we could do something else and spend more time together tonight and I thought we could watch your school tonight”. “Oh John, what a lovely surprise,” I said while thinking just how in the hell am I going to get away with this one. “I know you are always cheering for my team and that is only because you’re really cheering for me, so I thought we could go and cheer on Dave and we could spend some time with your friends instead of mine”. “Besides I’ll need to see what kind of competition I have at you school to try and keep you,” John said with a laugh in his voice. As John excused himself to use the bathroom, I quickly grabbed my phone and called Nikki in a panic “Nikki, John’s bringing me to our game and dance tonight, what the hell am I going to do?”
“Relax Chrissy we’ll think of something, I’ll grab Cindy and we’ll meet you at the south gate call me when you guys are parking, OK? And we’ll come meet you guys.” said Nikki as she hung up the phone to call Cindy. John sitting back at the table said, “Were you telling Nikki the good news when I was walking back I saw you on the phone”. “Yeah they said they would save us some seats and she said to call her when we’re parking and she would meet us by the south gate”, I said as sweet as I could not letting him know my mind was such a wreck.
We got up and walked to the cashier to pay for our dinner the girl behind the counter gave me a puzzled look. John was too busy looking through his wallet to notice her. John held my hand gently as we walked to car and when we were standing next to John’s car, he gave me a very long deep kiss making my worries fad entirely away. John started to unlock the door and still looking dreamily; I slowly sat as John ran around the car and got in the driver s seat.
“John honey, we need to hurry if we’re going to make it before kickoff,” I said. “Chrissy, would you go to the Homecoming dance with me?” John asked putting the car in park. I put on a brave face turned to look at him and said, “Well I’ll have to ask my parents but Yes I would love to be your date for Homecoming” I said with a sweet smile hoping he would not see right through me. Then I quickly grab my phone and called Nikki to tell her we were walking toward the gate.
John handed money over to pay for our tickets to Mrs. Jacob my Math teacher who was giving me the weirdest look as she handed John his change. “God my life is so over”, I thought walking away to give my ticket over to my assistant principle Mr. Larry Schneider. Mr. Schneider asked to see our school ID’s. He looked at Johns first and said, “Welcome Mr. Marlow hope you enjoy the game. I handed my newly made id over to Mr. Schneider and said, “Good evening Mr. Schneider” in what I hoped to be an unworried girls voice. He looked at it intensely studying the id the name Shawn Christine Hanzal on it with a perplexing look on his face.
Then he spoke, “Shawn nice to see you again”. “Shawn?” John said with a questioning tone. “Mr. Schneider you know she only likes to go by her middle name”, Nikki said in a scolding tone. “Thank you there is a god” I thought as Nikki once again stepped in to advert me from danger. Mr. Schneider looking at my id again before handing me back my id said, “Yes, I’m sorry Christine, it must have slipped my mind I’m terribly sorry”. “Chrissy, so glad you could drag John over here for a change” said Cindy trying to reinforce my being Chrissy in front of Mr. Schneider as we started to walk away leaving Mr. Schneider completely bewildered.
I then said, “John honey I need to go to the little girl’s room before we head up to the seats do you mind?” John said he was going to get a drink from the concessions stand and he would meet me right back here. Nikki, Cindy, Sam and I headed off to the restrooms and I was on the verge of tears. “OK, so does anyone have any ideas of how I am going to get though tonight and the rest of my life without getting found out or kill?”, I asked Nikki and the girls. “Well I’m not real sure but for a start I don’t think it would be wise for shown ever to come back to school that for sure”, said Cindy. “Well you did wish you could be Chrissy more didn’t you, besides we have talked about this before no one knows who Shawn was or is anyhow,”, said Nikki. “I don’t know why you are even fretting it anyways, now come on the guys are waiting.”
When we were heading to walked out of restroom, we ran into Mrs. Coffia, Nikki and my English teacher, walking in. “Shawn!” she yelled, “What the hell do you think you are doing in here and dressed like, like…” she paused, “We’re going to see Mr. Schneider right this minute”. “Dressed like what?” I snapped back at her, “Can’t a girl dress up every now and then without people making a federal case out of it.” Nikki took my student id, shoved it at her, and said, “We just left Mr. Schneider as he checked our tickets and ID’s at the south gate.” “Ms. Pinter, there is no need to raise your voice or be rude,” said Mrs. Coffia.
She looked at it in disbelief and the said, “Oh I’m sorry I had always thought you were a boy buy the way you always dressed,” as she handed me back my school id. “You should be” said Cindy in a protective tone, “Here we are trying to get her out of her shell and everyone makes her doubt herself, come on Chrissy lets go.” “Girls wait!” said Mrs. Coffia “I’m, sorry I was just shocked and Ms. Hanzal, you do look very beautiful tonight, your friends are right you shouldn’t hide yourself, now enjoy the rest of the evening and again I’m sorry and if you prefer I can refer to you as Chrissy in class if you wish.” I just simply nodded as she placed my ID back into my hands.
We walked out of the bathroom and there was John laughing and talking with Rich, Matt, and Scott. “Great”, I thought as we walked up to where they were standing. Scott looked at me and said, “Wow definitely better than that tomboy look you had, you keep looking this good and I’ll have to steal you away from John here”. John simply said, “Nope I don’t need to keep an eye on her, I trust her” then he bent down and gave me a kiss right in front of everyone. This was both to show how much he cared and to show everyone there that I was his girl and they should keep their grubby hands off less they wish to lose them. This both excited me and scared me at the same time. One thing was for sure there would be no turning back now. I was now Chrissy for him and to the rest of my school. How could I let this happen, I thought to myself.
Our team had won pummeling Chesterton 21 to 10. We walked into the auxiliary gym to the dance. I was like a fish out of water being this close to everyone whom I went to school every day dressed as Chrissy. John led me over to where everyone was sitting and I sat down next to Nikki. John asked if we would like some punch, I nodded so did and he and Dave left for the other end of the gym. I said to Nikki, “There is not a chance in hell I can ever go back to being me with how everyone saw me dressed, I’m so screwed.” Nikki leaned over to me and said, “So what! I mean, like at least no one has pointed their finger and shouted ‘Look at that guy!’” “Yeah I guess your right there is that but, what happens when I come to school Monday, let alone when I get home tonight,” I said. “Well girl enjoy the rest of the night as if it will be your last and deal with it when you get to school on Monday.” Sam said.
When the boys came back, we were in a big girl group hug and giggling. As we disentangled ourselves from one another John looked at me, smiled and said, “Are you feeling better?” “Yes much better, I’m sorry I have been a little off, here let me show you how much better I feel,” I said. Then I turned to Nikki I said, “Hey Nikki put in that certain request and lets show these boys a good time” and then dragging him to the middle of the dance floor I let my cares fade and for the first time that night I began to have fun.
John dropped us off at Sam’s and then left to get home before curfew but not before giving a heavenly kiss. I called mom and dad, told them I was at Sam’s and asked if it would be OK to watch a movie with everyone so we could wind down before going home. Dad said it would be OK but not to be out to late cause I still had chores to do tomorrow and that he wanted no excuses. “Yes dad I will make sure everything is done and I won’t be out much more then another one and a half to two hours at most. I promise,” I said before hanging up the phone.
The girls and I talked about the night from the look on the teachers faces to the reaction of people I have been going to school with for the past 3 years that didn’t know I existed till tonight. The girls started to talk about homecoming as it was only 2 weeks away. Then Nikki turned and asked if John had asked me if he could be my date to Homecoming Dance. I looked at her and said, “Yes he asked me tonight but He asked me to his Homecoming Dance.” “Awe and I thought you would be able to come with us,” said Joan. “Yeah that totally is not fair that you go to his and not to ours,” chimed Cindy. “But it might be better this way if you really think about it besides tonight was pushing things really far and I’m not sure I convinced everyone,” I said.
“Besides, I don’t want to get found out and it’s just safer this way. Plus, I can help you all out getting ready for the dance and then you can help me out the following weekend. It really is a win; win for me at this point.” “Oh my god, said Cindy we haven’t even picked out our dresses yet. We have to go shopping tomorrow before all the good ones are gone.” Therefore, it was official in girl language we were going shopping tomorrow and not stopping until everyone’s outfits were drop dead gorgeous.
I woke up Saturday morning to the small rays of light passing thru my curtains sparkling of the dust motes. The laughter of Eddie and Jobo in the morning show was playing on my alarm clock. I lifted my head to look at the time to see it was only 8 O’clock in the morning. Well dad and mom would be expecting me to finish all my chores early and I had no idea if they would have one of their friends check up on me to make sure I was doing as I was asked. I slowly dragged my lazy carcass out of bed and headed into the kitchen to pore myself some cereal and then to clean the garage.
Once again, it was that time of month where the garage needed its cleaning. I mentally thanked god it was not as bad as it had been last month when mom was preparing for her arts and craft show, now that was a messy garage. I quickly arranged the items on the shelves picked up the trash on the floor, swept it and put the mover back in its place. I closed the doors and when back inside to get ready, as it was shopping day with the girls. I called Nikki to see if we were still meeting at 11 O’clock and she confirmed they would be by to pick me up the she hung up.
I was starting to get used to the whole routine, I checked my legs and underarms in the shower and ran my razor over them as needed. I was so glad that my hair did not grow very fast. As I was getting ready I looked over at the computer sitting over on my desk all dusty and alone. I mental thought about how long it had been since I last was on it and wondered how much email was piling up. “Wow”, I thought. “My priorities have really changed. Usually on a day like today I would be checking my messages on a few BBS’s that I hang out on and playing LORD, Legend of the Red Dragon on Mojo or Wild Bill’s BBS.
Here I was getting all dressed up to head to the mall to shop for a homecoming dress with my best girlfriends. I knew not one dress store, shoe store, or accessory store was going to stand a chance as we made our way thru the mall. The trip was like most trips we had made thru the mall trying on everything while doing a small modeling bit in front of the other girls seeking their approval until everyone finally found that perfect dress that brought out the each special feature they were looking for.
Nikki went with a pale pink strapless with sequence wrapping the top with a single rowed pattern encircling to the bottom. Pam the bustiest of us went with a dark blue with a plunging neckline. Cindy’s was a sky blue that hugged her like a second skin. Joan decided on an asymmetrical hem, higher on the left side, and showing her thigh, while hanging below the knee rather elegantly on the other in off white.
Mine on the other hand was a middle length in blackish green satin, off the shoulders, straight across above the bust neckline, and the bottom was gathered up into some nice pleats. I knew to keep the neckline high as I would need to keep my false breasts well hidden.
After we had finished with finding our dresses, we continued to look for purses and shoes. I however didn’t understand why we were all picking out white fabric ones. However, that question was soon answered when we handed over our dresses, shoes and handbags to the woman at the counter. It seems you can have them died to make you outfits perfectly. I was very impressed to the knowledge these girls had. I never knew there was a dye process. It did make sense though if you only thought about had women always seem to have shoes that seemed as if were made for that outfit alone.
We continued with our trip thru the mall and ate a late lunch while staring at the many guys who were hanging out by the arcade. The arcade I thought to myself that was another place I had hardly visited since I had become Chrissy sure I had been to the mall lots of time but only with the girls and yet not once had I been to the arcade now for the last three months. Four months ago, I would have been just one of the solo guys hanging out playing Tekken or some other fighting game like Mortal Combat.
It is a ritual of sort, to see who could be the best of the best. It was weird now that I thought about it I mean it was fun but nothing like that fun I have had with these five wonderful girls who had taken me in to be one of their own. It was something I would never trade for the life of me.
With all the shopping done and I knew mom and dad would be coming home soon, we headed back to Sam’s so I could get change and head for home. I said my goodbyes and headed off for home. Mom and dad come home about an hour after me and seemed to have a wonderful time relaxing at the river. Mom said Jenny, Ken, and a few of the other teens where asking about me and were wondering why I don’t come anymore.
I thought for a minute and then simply said, “I’ll make it down but I just want to spend time with my friends and we can’t take all of them can we.” Mom just sighed and continued to look over the house to see if I did get all of my chores done and dad was inspecting the garage. Both please with how well I was keeping my chores done and not forgetting the smallest detail, they dropped the nagging and we all went off to bed.
I was so busy all throughout the day I had not once stopped to think about school tomorrow, what was going to happen when I walked in tomorrow. I had almost completely forgotten the events Friday night my teacher’s, the vice principle, all my classmates who saw John and I hanging all over each other not to mention them seeing John kissing me. What was I going to do now?
Everyone had now surely seen me; this was not like Stacey’s party where I could have been a friend from out of town and just it could be a mistaken identity case. What would my teachers think if I showed up as the bland same old me? What if someone put together everything, what would I do? Oh, so many questions going thru my head kept me up much later then I wanted. It was just so hard to sleep with all this hanging over my head.
I reached the girls and they could tell I was completely wreaked. “Chrissy are you OK? It looks like you didn’t sleep at all last night,” said Nikki. “In truth I didn’t sleep very good last night. I have been going over Friday in my head and I’m really worried about what is going to happen today,” I told them. “What if Mrs. Cuffia does call me Chrissy during class? Everyone will start asking me why I only dress good on the weekends and not to mention the questions I will start getting about a John.”
“Well we have some time if you want, we can go to my house you have some cloths over there from this weekend’s shopping trip and you could just get dressed up and see how it goes,” Sam said. “No I think I better just try and lay low still I’m not sure if I can handle that yet,” I said with as much confidence as I could muster at that particular moment.
“Chrissy look you need to take the leap sometime so I might as well be now besides if you think about it you really are committed at this point,” Cindy said. I knew she was right because I was already imagining walking in to the school and all the questions starting right there at the front door. “OK, I’ll do it there is no better time than now I guess, let’s do this, but I’m going to need help cause we’ll all be late if I do it all myself.”
We ran back to Sam’s and Nikki started my makeup as Cindy did something with my hair and Sam was on outfit detail. It took no time at all and I was ready in just under ten minutes still plenty of time to meet Joan at the bus if we hurried. The reality of it all was I suddenly felt better. I never realized how much of a crutch makeup had become. I truly felt naked without it.
We reach the buses a little late but there was Joan still waiting for us. She knew we would never leave her. She saw us coming and smiled then she took a good look at me and looked stunned. “WOW,” she said, “what brought this on, are you sure you want to do this Chrissy?” We explain the conversation we had when we first met this morning and how we all felt that I was pretty, much committed at this point if I wanted to be Chrissy and since all the teachers had already seen Chrissy if might just be easier. She looked around and said, “Well with the way everyone is looking I guess it’s too late to turn back now we might as well get this show on the road.” Boys were passing and taking double looks, girls were smiling as they walked past so this was my decisive moment the doors stood just five more feet.
We walked in as if nothing was amiss and to my much surprise, everyone was saying hi, one girl asked me where I found my top and I told her where I had found it. I somehow was no longer an invisible body that seemed to follow in the shadow of my friends; I was now an equal. Rich, Dave and a few of his friends meet up with us just as they always do but something strange happened.
Eric started to talk to me, “Wow Chrissy you look great, if I wasn’t so worried about your boyfriend I might try and hit on you.” I blushed and said, “Well I guess I’ll just have to keep reminding yourself that I’m taken.” “Yeah besides John would pulverize you and you know it,” Rich said while laughing. That wasn’t very nice I thought besides Eric seems to be a nice guy and at least he was being honest unlike me at that moment.
I was extremely aware of everything I was wearing from the small diamond earrings, the cover up, the powder on my face, the taste and feeling of my lipstick, the mascara on my eyelashes, to the bra that was already feel a little uncomfortable, even down to my dusty pink fingernails. Class Started and the teacher looked at me as if a little confuse but didn’t say anything to draw unnecessary attention to me.
It was nerve racking having so many people staring at me as we had walked down the hall and during that class even. I was so happy when the bell finally rang. I knew Cindy would be waiting just outside the door waiting to walk me to my next class. “So how is it going so far,” asked Cindy? “Well everyone has been staring but no one has been mean to me so far, but I’m still a little scared,” I said.
Each class was more of the same thing teachers a little confuse and strange looks from many of my classmates Math was a little easier as Mrs. Jacobs seemed to be please with my sudden burst of femininity. A few girls had told me how much better I look and where glad I had come out of my tomboy phase. Lunch was better it was nice to get some food in my stomach to settle it down. I could still feel a thousand eyes on me from all angles some students with bewildered expressions and at least one girl telling me how much she liked my hair. My confidence was growing. Perhaps, in this case, not having any close friends besides my five partners in crime was an asset.
The rest of the day past pretty much the same as the first half of the day and by the time the last bell rang I was so glad it was over. I do not think I could have taken much more of this sensory overload. I met up with the girl right outside the front doors so we come say bye to Joan before we started our walk back home. Well back to Sam’s anyways so I could make my transformation back into Shawn once again. I thought about how wonderful it would be if I could just continue to be me.
The next few weeks had flown by so fast I could hardly believe that this week it would be my turn to go to Homecoming not as a geeky boy but as a girl with her boyfriend. I was too excited for words. I had been bouncing all over the house all morning that even my mom was wondering what had gotten into me. We had it all planned out I would as always had over to Sam’s to begin my transformation and John would be by to pick me up at five.
I told mom I was heading over to Nikki’s house and then we would be meeting up with Rich and Cindy to head off to the mall for a few hours and then to a double feature and I should be home about eleven. I hugged mom goodbye and set off for Sam’s house.
By the time I had arrived, everybody was already there, had everything laid out and ready to go. Little did I know they had something special planned for me, when I walked up to the door they all grabbed me and had me change into a plain outfit as if we were heading out to the mall.
I was a little confused but I did as I was told, yet still something still was amiss because I didn’t know why they had asked me to meet them at ten in the morning. I kept asking myself why I would need so much time to get ready, but I figured that just wanted some time with me before I was gone for the evening. I had also planned to meet them back just before eleven to clean up so I could go home without my parents suspecting a thing.
I was just about to put some makeup on when Nikki stopped me. “Don’t worry about doing that we have a surprise for you,” Nikki said. Soon we were in Joan’s Mom’s car and driving. “Ah can I ask where we are going,” I said with a little worry in my voice. Everyone just kind of looked at me and smiled. Soon I was standing in front of CP Nails one of three nail salons in town. “OK Chrissy time to get on with the pampering,” said Cindy.
I had done this before but yes these girls did know how special I wanted to look for tonight. I had the works a pedicure, manicure, and a good massage on my feet. They took a minute and decided I would get some Airbrushing done to make my nails just that extra special. The colors they picked out would match my dress perfectly and the detail of the little hearts and flowers were to die for.
After we finished there, they took me to Chicago’s Hair Cutters. I told them I really didn’t need my hair cut I needed it to grow out. Sam just hushed me and had me take a seat in one of the waiting chairs. They had made me an appointment to have my hair done. First with a wash, this almost made me fall asleep. The stylists hands scrubbing and massaging my scalp was heavenly. I could definitely get so used to this I thought to myself as she started to wrap my wet hair in a towel.
She led me over to another chair, which she reclined so I was leaning backward and looking up at the ceiling. I was told to close my eyes and she would begin the facial. Now this was something I had not had before, I wondered how it would feel. She started to put some kind of cream on my face and as it dried, I could feel the skin on my face tighten up.
I was truly enjoying myself and I was so lucky to have such great friend to do all of this for me. The facial was removed and the something warm was being applied to my eyebrow line. Seeing I had never had a facial before I assumed it was just part of the process until I felt the ripping of hair and pain coming from my eyebrow. I about jumped out of my seat and half way across the salon as the girls were just giggling at me. It was utter horror as I inspected the damage above my right eye.
I was looking at almost a perfect shaped eyebrow of a typical teenage girl. Nikki told me to just relax they just wanted me to look as perfect as possible for my date with John. Pulling Nikki aside I said, “Nikki how do you expect me to explain this to my mom? I think this will be something she will definitely notice when she looks at me.” Her face then took on the sudden horror that mine did and then the other girls seeing the reaction now on Nikki’s face were suddenly quite.
“Oh my god Chrissy I wasn’t thinking, sometimes we just forget your little problem. We have just come to know you as well one of us and we forget that your really a boy,” she said in no more the a whisper so no one else could here. “Well you can’t stop know we’ll just have to figure something out later and Chrissy I am sorry,” Nikki said almost in tears. I sat back down in the chair and allowed the stylist to continue with her work. I was fighting the tears back as hard as I could but I knew when I reached the car they would be overflowing.
Nikki sat back with the girls and huddled them together so they would know what we had spoken about. They were just about finish when the stylist held up a mirror for me to see the full extent of the damages. I loved the way they made my eyes even more feminine but I knew there would be no way to keep them hidden from my mom. As I looked over to them, they had looked as if someone had stolen all the wind from their sails. I looked over to them and gave them the best smile I could muster.
I knew they did not mean any malice they just wanted me to be perfect. I had to admit even I from time to time had forgotten I was not a girl myself so how could I harbor any harsh feeling toward them at all. These five girls were my truest of friends and I knew they would never have done this to cause me any problems at home. They were just girls treating one of their girlfriends to a great makeover much as they had had done before their big night at their dance.
So with my eyes anew and my hair complete it was now time for the last step in this makeover the makeup. Sam showed a picture of my dress to the stylist who had turned me from the mirror and began diligently working on my face. I was getting so impatient wanting to see the finish product myself as the girls just ooo’ed and ahhh’ed. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it any more she announced I was finished and turned me around to see the new me.
I was completely slack jawed as I looked at the gorgeous babe looking back at me. I could have passed for eighteen or maybe even nineteen. I was completely beautiful. My worry about my eyes was no longer any concern to me at this point. My only concern now was if John was going to like the new and improved me. I got out of the chair and turned to face the girls who were about as dumbfounded as me.
I think this was the first time they had been this speechless in their life. It took everyone a few minutes to come back into reality so we could pay and thank the stylist for such beautiful work. We all were bouncing up and down all the way to the car except for Nikki. She quickly hugged me and pleaded with me not to be mad at her. She was still upset and worried that my mom would kill me when she sees me next.
“Look”, I said, “How can I be mad at any of you? I even can be caught up in the moment too and I even forget that well that I’m different. So come on let’s just worry about his later beside I have a dance and a gorgeous guy to get ready for.” It only took a moment and then we were all together in such a great group hug that would make Barney barf.
These were my BFF’s, my sisters and nothing was ever going to keep me mad at them for long. I did think about how to hide my eyebrows. I did wear hats a lot so I could always wear it slightly low for a few days or a week without much fuss from mom I told myself. Hey worse comes to worse I can say that I told the girls they were being childish and they dared my to do it since I didn’t think it hurt that much, OK yeah that just might work.
It was just after five thirty when we finally made it back to Sam’s house and I could not believe how long all of that took. It did give me a new appreciation for the length of time girls spend getting ready for these big dances and now I was one of them and had shared in a time-honored tradition. I had to hurry to finish getting ready before John got there.
I was starting to get nervous but then I realized that no one expects a girl to be ready on time. I just took a deep breath and told myself to relax. I put on some fresh panties, nylons, my new strapless bra, and glue on my falsies, and pulled on my dress. Nikki came in, told me John was here, and waiting down stairs as she helped my zip up my dress. OK all that was finished now shoes, a quick makeup check and I was now ready to go down stairs to meet my date.
Nikki went first and announced my arrive as if I was some princess entering a grand ballroom. Everyone rush to the bottom of the stairs to watch me come down. I was breathing so hard and my heart felt as if it was going to leap out of my chest when turned the corner and began to descend the staircase. I looked to John to see his reaction and it was the reaction I was hoping for, completely breathless.
Good I thought to myself we feel the same way, John took my breath away as I looked at him in his suit as it perfectly hugged his body as if it was specially tailored to fit every well defined muscle in his body. “God Chrissy, words cannot describe how beautiful you look absolutely stunning,” John said. Gushing I replied, “Thank You John, I might I say you look quite handsome as well.”
Everyone started in with taking pictures as John placed the corsage on my hand and in turn, as I pinned the matching flower to his lapel. I had been out with John numerous times so why did I feel so nervous tonight. We walked out to the car hand and hand, John opened the door to the car, wow how courteous he was being tonight. As we pulled away everyone was jumping, waving, and telling us to have fun.
When I looked over at John he placed a hand gently on my left leg. A few months ago, I probably would have pushed his hand away, but tonight I laid my hand on top of his and gave it a little squeeze. My emotions were not much better than a grab bag swirling through my soul. However, tonight I was not going to think about what this might mean. Tonight, I wanted nothing more than to be here on this date to be with John and to be his girl.
We had a nice little dinner just the two of us at Twelve Islands. There were a few looks but nothing could distract me from looking into his eyes all throughout dinner. Could his eyes be anymore blue? John guided me with his hand gently around my waste and once again opened the car door for me. Before getting in the car, I turned to look at him and it was as if he could read my mind as he slowly lowered his lips to touch mine. His kiss was different tonight very much with passion, soft and subtle enough not to smear my lipstick.
As we slowly pulled away, I looked past him and saw my MOM looking directly at me. They just had walked out of Chicago’s kitty corner from where we were. My mom’s eyes were lit up like a deer looking into headlights on a dark country road. “John we’re going to be late and I was hoping to get our pictures done before the lines get to bad, plus it will give us more kissing time on the dance floor” hoping this would make him move a little quicker to get the car moving before my mom could make it across the street and stop us.
The car little too slowly for my taste started to pull away from my mom and I knew I was going to be dead when I got home. That moment I knew my fate, it was a certainty but for now I was going to live as if there was no tomorrow because for me I was sure my life as I know it would end when I walked back thru my door.
When we arrived at John’s school, I my head started to race. I’m I really doing this or is it just a dream and I was going to wake up any minute and have this fantasy spoiled. I had never in my life been interested in a boys yet I was really beginning to love all the attention John was giving me more and more each time we were together. I was surprised how nervous I was getting.
I had been around John and his friends before but tonight it seemed as if this was a competition. I had been to school dances before but this was the first time I was the arm candy. As we walked in John lead me with his hand gently placed in the small of my back. He was full of confidence and to his credit, his eyes barely wondered from me. He was ever the gentleman introducing me and complementing everyone whom we had conversed with thru the lines for picture and all the way back to the main area.
When we dances his eyes where fixed on me. At times, it was as if he could see into my soul as it was reaching for him. John, Mike, Scott, and Eric went up to the DJ, requested “All 4 Love by Color Me Bad”, brought us to the center of the dance floor and danced and lipped the words to us as if they were singing to us. It was so sweet their dates and I almost began to cry but I also gave me an idea. When the boys finish I got the girls together and we chose “Finally, by CeCe Peniston”.
Then the boys decided to get funny with “I’m too sexy by Right Said Fred” they were really trying to get us going by unbuttoning their shirts and God they could dance well. Tracy mentioned that they might have planned and practiced this. Then Mandy came up with one that she hoped would put us over the top and keep the boys in line and begging all night long “Giving Him Something He Can Feel by En Vogue”. Wow could she pick a song. I was I little nervous but the Girls did have a point we do spend a lot of time getting ready for these dances and we wanted as much of these boy’s attention we could get.
The DJ said, “Mike, Scott, Eric and John we have a special request from Mandy, Tracey, Maria and Chrissy would you please join them on the dance floor now please.” I had no clue how Mandy got the DJ to do it but it was really putting the boys on the spot. I must say it had worked like a charm the boys were right next to us in seconds. Mandy gave the DJ thumbs up and he started the song. We pushed the boys about an arm’s length away and began to mouth the words and dance as provocatively as we could. The boys were extremely shocked and from the bulges beginning to push on the front of their pants as we slightly rubbed against them it had the desired effect we wanted.
Even though we enjoyed the company of each other, we were all wanting more time from the group and a little more time alone with our respective victim. It all worked like a charm and mentally I reminded myself I must thank Mandy later. John was back to giving me his full attention as I gave him mine. There was nothing in the world I wanted more at this moment then just to be with him. The last song of the dance was Bryan Adam’s “(Every Thing I Do,) I Do It For You. John held me close as we swayed back and forth with my head laying on his chest, my nose nuzzling his neck, his check resting on me.
The night was mystical and romantic and soon reality began to sink in at the last song ended and I began to feel a heavy weight being bestowed upon me. I knew what was waiting for me when I got home and that scared me more than death itself. After the way my parent acted that one night so long ago when we left the Psychiatrist’s office, I knew life as I know it was ending.
As I approached, my house all the lights were on and they were waiting for me to come home. This was the first time I had let John Drop me off at home. John stopped the car and opened my door then he suddenly lifted my lips to meet his in the most perfect kiss in the world and when he pulled away, he said in the most heartfelt voice almost a whisper, “Chrissy I Love You.” What? Wait a minute, What did he just say?!? My inside voice was screaming at me saying, “Don’t say it! Don’t you dare say it! Mouth anything’…... he’ll never notice just don’t say it!
My emotions were all over the place like ripples in a still pond from the first drop of rain spreading in all directions, then like the breathless school girl I had become I said, “I love you too John, I love you with all of my heart”. I had just told John, a boy, that I loved him and meant every single word of it, so help me God I did with every fiber of my being did I loved this boy.
The porch light came on and I rush John to get back in his car and leave. He started to pull away just as Mom and Dad stared out at me. If looks could kill, I would have been a greasy stain on the sidewalk. While looking into my parents eyes, I have never seen such anger and disgust before this very night. Mom of course was the first to speak, “Shawn, What the hell do you think you are doing, who the hell was that, and just what the hell have you got to say for yourself”. Before I could speak, Mom chimed in, “Well you better answer me, Shawn, I’m waiting and it better be good”. Dad sputtered a few times in a vain attempt to say something but couldn’t, I was thinking, “Mom could you give Dad a zany too before that vain in his forehead pops.”
“Mom ah Dad, that was just a friend from school that’s all”, I said fumbling over every word. I didn’t know how to tell them but as fate would have it I wouldn’t have too. “Shawn don’t you even think of lying to me I saw you kissing that boy earlier on the square. There is no way my son is going to become some flamboyant Fagot,” she screamed. “And Shawn if you think for one second I raised you to be some Fairy you are sorely mistaken my boy,” Dad said with a fiery tone. It had seemed dad had found his voice finally. They took turns yelling at me and telling me how much of a disappointment I am. They would not let me speak a word so all I could do while sitting on the couch was cry. “Now get your ass cleaned up and go straight to bed, we will discuss this in the morning and your freedom as you know it is so defiantly over my boy”.
As I walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror one last time and I thought how being a girl could be both the most wonderful thing and at the same time the worse thing in my life. I washed all the makeup off my face and looked again only to see red swollen eyes from the constant crying since I had gotten home. I walked quickly back to my room to avoid and looks from my parents. I couldn’t stop crying what was so wrong with me being who I really am I thought to myself while getting undressed for bed. I crawled into bed, pulled the covers up to my chin, and cried. All I ever wanted was to be a girl I knew in my mind, felt it in my heart and soul.
The next morning was a wake-up call from hell. My head was pounding from all the crying I had done last night and the sound of the lawn mower going was not a good sign considering it was my job. I slowly gathered myself up to go and face this day as dad had stopped mowing and came back inside for another cup of coffee when seeing me, he just looked away in disgust and left thru the door leading back into the garage. Mom was washing some dishes, paused to look at me briefly and said, “Well at least you look semi normal this morning. You slept through breakfast and we’re about to try and have some lunch but neither your father nor I seem to have much of an appetite after what we saw last night.”
I knew she wanted to just jump on me right there and beat the hell out of me but it was as if she was waiting for something. The answer came as soon as I heard the lawn mower start back up and dad started to mow the already perfectly mowed lawn again. I sat there thinking about what I was going to say repeatedly in my head. I tried to speak but everything that I knew needed to be said was just going to hurt her and dad. Finally I said, “Mom I’m sorry, for hurting you and dad, it’s just I don’t feel like a boy anymore in fact I have never felt like a boy”.
“Don’t you start that shit again; I thought all that girl stuff was all behind us. Do you have any clue how this all looks. Do you have any clue I will look at the Kingdom Hall if all this gets out. I can’t believe how selfish you are being this is going to affect us more then it will you. I raised you better than this and you are going to stop this shit right this instant. As for you spending time with your friends you can forget that too cause your grounded for your next three lifetimes.”
She then sent me off to my room and told me I had better think long and hard about what I had done. As I shut the door to my room, I heard her say, “I want every piece of girl crap you had on last night and whatever you might be hiding brought outside to the burn pile in ten minute young man.” “But mom no please I bought this with my own money please you can’t do this” I said though my tears.
“Look no son of mine is going to dress like some drag queen. I’ve told you before you’re a boy so start acting like it you’re turning sixteen in two more weeks it’s time to start acting like a man, and if you don’t like it then you can go just like your sister,” she said. That was it I knew where this was going to go I would have to leave just like my sister to be free from all of this.
I ran back into my room and called Nikki as fast as my fingers would dial. Nikki answered and I began to tell her everything that had happened since leaving the dance. I was back into tears as I was telling her what my mom wanted to do to Chrissy’s stuff. Nikki said, “There is no way in hell I’m going to let her do that Chrissy you worked hard to get enough money to buy all that stuff.” She paused for a moment then continued, “I have an idea I have to make a few phone calls and we will be right over.”
“What, what do you mean we? My mom is not going to like everyone coming over I’m very grounded at the moment,” I said. “Chrissy if you think me or any of the other girls are going to let this happen to one of our sisters your crazy. Now let me go I will be there in fifteen minutes just stall for me, OK?” said Nikki. I told her I would stall as long as I could but she needed to hurry.
Nikki true to her words was over there with all the girls in less than fifteen minutes. Mom was not happy when she opened the door to see Nikki and the girls there. I came out of my room to the front door and my mom just looked at me with a smirk. To me she said, “Did you get everything like I asked you?” I shook my head no. “Well then maybe we need to tell your friends here what you did last night or you can do as you were told.”
Mom had only seen John and me last night so she assumed that none of the girls knew. I guess she thought it would scare me back to doing what she had asked but what happened next totally took my mom off guard. “Mrs. Hanzal we need to talk to Chrissy for a minute please if you do not mind please.” said Nikki. My mom was too shocked to even say a word as Nikki and the girls walked right past her and drug me off to my room.
“Ok here is the deal, we have found a way for you to continue being Chrissy,” said Nikki. “Yes, you can come and live with me,” said Sam. “What I can’t do that I think your mom might notice a thing or two if I stayed with you, like me not being a real girl.” I told Sam. “No you’ll be just fine Chrissy, besides my mom already knows,” Sam said as if it wasn’t a big deal. “I called her after Nikki filled me in about your parents seeing you.” The rest of us spun around and looked at her eye wide in disbelief.
Cindy was the first to speak, “What do you mean your mom already knows”? Sam looked straight at us and said that she told her mom everything and her mom said if Chrissy needed to stay with us, she would be cool with it. “The thing is guys that my mom is a lot cooler then you think. You know she worked at a bar right,” we all nodded, “Well that bar is a gay bar and she has meet a lot of people like Chrissy before and she thinks that what Chrissy is doing is courageous,” said Sam. “My mom is cool with it Chrissy however” she said, “If you do live with us you will be held to the same rules as me.” “I don’t know what to say Sam, thank you, you have made it possible for me to stay Chrissy,” I said as I grabbed her in a great big hug.
Just then Mom stormed thru the door yelling, “Wait do you mean to tell me that all of you are in on this too.” All the Girls nodded, and then mom said, “Fine then all of you can watch as I end this charade and I never what any of you near my son again.” Dad had come in and heard mom yelling at us. “What is going on here? I have a bad enough headache without you scream like a mad woman,” dad said.
“Well honey it seems as if these girls are part of our son’s problem, they’re co-conspirators,” mom said. Then mom and dad told the girls that they must leave and they best never show their faces at this house again. I stood up and for the first time had the strength to say what I needed to, “Mom, Dad I can’t go on living this way I am Chrissy and this is who I really am and you always talk about unconditional love so prove it let me be who I really am.” If you can’t then I can’t live here anymore because I would rather be dead then live this lie of being a boy anymore.”
My dad came thru the door like a bullet, grabbed me and said, “Why you little shit you know what you have put us through? Just when we had though all this crap was behind us we find out that you have been lying and sneaking around behind our backs.” He pulled me back into the living room and it hurt so I shouted, “Let go of me your hurting Me!”
“Good maybe this will be a good wake-up call for you,” said dad. I pushed him away but that only made dad even madder. Dad went to slap me so I ducked and did the most terrible thing I had ever done in my life I punched him right in the face. Mom was shocked but pulled herself together quickly as she saw dad balling up his fist and here I was in my first fistfight with my dad. Mom went to the phone and called the police.
When the police had arrived, it was not a pretty scene dad and I had destroyed most of the living room, dad was lying on the grass outside after I pushed him thru the big picture window. Mom was beside him pointing inside the house shouting that I had gone crazy. The police asked me to come out of my room and I of course refused but told the girls that they should leave, as this was not going to go well. As the girls walked out, they pleaded with the police, told them that my dad had attacked me first and I was just defending myself. However, with the way my dad looked I might not have believed it either. The police began to force their way into the room and I don’t quite know why but I began to defend my room like a knight defending his Kingdom.
When all was said and done, I had been charged with one count of domestic battery and six counts of assault and battery. They finally had me handcuffed and placed into the back of the police car. They drove me to Lake County Juvenile Center more commonly known as LCJC. The kid version of jail and it was scary. They made me strip down naked and took everything from me. I was give a oversized pair of buys underwear, a pair of tube socks, an ugly orange jumpsuit, and shoes with no laces. Then I was taken to B wing, it was the wing where the worse kids go; kids that had all committed felonies and now I was one of them. The first night was awful, it was cold and lonely being locked up for what I had hoped to be the last time in my life.
The next morning they let us out to the common room to get ready for breakfast. We had to stay single file much like being back in grade school as we made our way to the cafeteria. There was a lot of talking going on when we were eating. People were talking about why I was there and two boys arguing over food and then out of no were one of them broke the end of his spoon off and stabbed the other boy in the neck. Blood was going everywhere, the guards grab the one boy, cuffed him as another guard took a towel and was trying to stop the bleeding of the other boy who now was choking on his own blood. I was never so scared in my whole life all I wanted to do was talk to Nikki but I was only aloud to call home. My parents did not answer so I left a message on the answering machine asking them to please come get me.
Thankfully, the rest of the day was uneventful. Just before bed, one of the guards told me I was going to see the judge tomorrow. I was scared what if the judge left me in here, what if I ended up like the other boy. We did not even know if the other boy lived or died but by the amount of blood, we already knew his grizzly fate. I didn’t want to die in this place; I wanted to be Chrissy again. As I lay awake for hours crying not knowing what could happen tomorrow only made it worse I wondered what will happen to Chrissy when or if I ever got out of here. I closed my eyes for what I hoped would be the last time in the dismal place and prayed, “Please GOD let me get out of here. Let me find a way to become who I really am.” With that, I drifted off to sleep.
When I walked into the courtroom, I could feel the sweat running down my back as I took me seat in front of the judge. I had never been is such a room before, the ceiling was tall like a cathedral and if was as if I stepped right into an old movie. I sat at a table alone with my mother setting behind me. “She came,” I thought “but where is dad”? Then I looked over to the right and there was the prosecutor shuffling papers and folders about the desk. Behind him sat the six officers that had responded to the house. I had a terrible shiver go down my spine that told me this wasn’t going to go well.
The judge (Mr. Gillis) called the court to order and I was made to stand as the charges against me were read. “What do you have to say for yourself young man?” the judge asked me. “Sir my dad came after me and I was just trying to defend myself”, I responded. “Well what about the officers whom you attacked in your bedroom?” said Judge Gillis. “Sir I have no excused for my actions with the officers I was scared and did not know what was going on, but I should not have attacked them, I was just scared and was not thinking. I wish I could go back and change what I have done but I know I can’t. I am guilty of harming the officers Sir,” I told the judge as it was the truth and I knew in my heart what I did was wrong.
“Mrs. Hanzal do you have anything to add?” speaking to my mother behind me. “Yes your honor I do, my husband like my son both have very short fuses and my son did respond in self defense to my husband, but it was a very tense situation and my son although not meaning to provoked my husband’s attack with his defiance,” my mother stated badly. “As far as the officers are concerned once my son has lost himself in anger he suffers from a black out as the psychologist called it. He doesn’t know what he is doing until it is too late. As you can see, my son also admitted he was wrong and his conscious is eating him.”
Then the judge replied, “This is all very well Mrs. Hanzal but you son has committed a serious offense. Therefore, I must hold him accountable for his actions.” The judge turned to the prosecutor and asked, “Does this boy have any prior record?” “No your honor he has no prior record and none of the officers had ever meet the boy till the day of the incident,” said the prosecutor. The judge turned to look at me, “My boy you do understand how serious these charges are right?”
With tears filling my eyes and running down my cheeks, “Yes sir, and I’m so sorry for what I have done, I wish to apologize for what I have done to the officers, I know they were only doing their job and I acted like a fool. It was my fault and I know I need to be punished.” My tears were in full flow now and there was nothing I could do to stop them.
“Does the prosecution have any recommendations?” asked Judge Gillis. “Yes your honor we do, in the light of the defendant’s admittance and his sincere testimony. We recommend probation as this is his first offense for a length to be determined by the court.” “Very well then Mrs. Hanzal are you prepared to take your son back into custody?” speaking now to my mother. “Yes your honor I am,” replied my mom.
“Then will the defendant please rise for sentencing,” said Judge Gillis. “It is the decision of the court that Mr. Hanzal will herby be sentenced to one year probation and six months house arrest and if there are no objections,” he paused. “No? Then I hereby deem this hearing concluded, court dismissed.” The gavel sounded and as the Judge stood so did everyone in the courtroom as he stepped down and left.
The bailiff came over to me and removed my handcuffs and my mother came to me still with disappointment in her eyes. “May I be excused for a minute there is something I need to do,” I asked my mom. She nodded. I walked over to the officers and thru my eyes, still tearing asked each of them to forgive me and told them how sorry I was for what I had done. They seemed to be truly shocked by what I had done.
Then one officer step forward, “My boy everyone has done something they regret doing even me let’s just remember this and learn from it, OK?” With that, he gave me a small hug and told me to be good and mind my mom. The other officers either rubbed my head or patted my back telling me not to worry about it and to just stay out of trouble. My mom seemed pleased by my actions and even let a small smile of pride creep across her face.
The prosecutor showed my mom and me to the probation department. We meet with who was to be my probation officer, Mrs. Kim. She told us how it was going to work and she would follow us back to the house to get the monitoring system installed. We arrived at the house and she explained how it works. If I went too far the machine would send an alarm to the police station. Then the police would come to find out why I had left the boundary.
The bracelet they attached to my ankle had three colors on it. Green indicated I was safely inside the boundary, yellow meant I was approaching the boundary, and red meant I was outside the boundary and in big trouble. She told me I would also need to call a number she gave me before I left in the morning for school and when I arrived at school. She told me there was only a half hour window so I was not to forget or dilly-dally or I would find myself in contempt. Then police would come and pick me up so I would have to see the Judge again.
She gave my mother a different number for her to call if she was going to take me with her shopping or to a doctor’s appointment. While I was under probation, I also could not leave the county without prior approval. She reminded me to come straight home because the system would reactivate at three pm just thirty minutes from the final bell. If I need to stay after I would need to make sure to have my mom call. Then after my mom wrote her a check for the fee’s Mrs. Kim left.
My mom looked at me not knowing what to say. “Would you like something to eat,” mom asked me. “Yes please the food was horrible and I was too upset to eat this morning,” I said. “Mom I’m very sorry about all this, it’s just I well ... Oh never mind it’s just too hard to explain how I feel.” Mom just looked at me there was no way she was going to help me say what I needed too. I also knew there was no way she was going to except the real me either.
“Shawn?” asked my mom. “You’re not going to stop all this nonsense, are you?” I looked at her and seeing the pain in her eyes made me almost falter in my resolve, “Mom you have taught me right from wrong and to always follow my heart to be true to myself so I can be true to Jehovah,” I paused allowing this to sink in for a minute. “I cannot be true to myself, my heart, or to Jehovah if I live as you want me to.”
My mom then cut me off before I could say another word, “So you are saying that no matter how much it hurts me and Bob you will continue with the dress up crap.” “Mom please, I have finally found the real me please don’t ask me to live a lie,” I said hoping that her hatred of lying would help me. She looked at me with tears streaking down her cheeks and said, “What happened to my little boy?”
She paused for a moment and I didn’t dare say a word as I could see she was starting to get angry. She finally spoke with ultimatum, “You will not while you are under my roof ever dress again, if I so much as hear about you dressed you will be out on the street just like your sister.” I looked at my mom and with a cry in my voice said, “I guess I should get to packing then, because I cannot live this lie anymore, Mom I would rather be dead.” With that, I went to my room to cry.
Dad came home at usual time and he and mom talked over dinner. I refused to eat and was determined to stay hidden in my room for as long as I had to stay under this roof. Mom kept me home all week and I could feel the depression taking over me. I could barely eat and I cried almost all day every day. I had even started to contemplate suicide by the time the weekend came along.
Normally I would be meeting up with the girls for a nice day at the mall or getting ready for John to pick me up for the game. I hadn’t been able to use the phone and let everyone know I was alright. Mom had left early to go to the school and pick up my homework and missed assignments. It wasn’t till after three in the afternoon she returned.
She came into my room and said, “Here are Chrissy’s assignments, you couldn’t believe the shock I had when I found out you have been going to school like that.” I looked at her with fear, had she told the school it was a falsehood? Then she continued, “It was all I could do to grab you books and walk out without crying. How could you do this to me and your dad?” She set to books down on my desk and left the room in tears once more.
I didn’t dare come out of my room for the rest of the night except to go to the bathroom. I could not look either of them in the face, not because I was ashamed but because I couldn’t stand to see the hatred and contempt on their faces. I could hear mom telling dad what had happened after he was finished with dinner. Dad was outraged and yelling about how I was a good for nothing, ungrateful spoiled brat.
Mom asked him what they should do and he didn’t say anything at first then I heard, “Well let me call Joe and we’ll see what we can do.” I knew this didn’t bode well for me the last time I hear dad say that my sister was on her way out the door without so much as a bye your leave. The rest of the weekend, I buried myself in my schoolwork trying to catch up on all my late work.
Mom came in late Sunday evening and told me to hurry off to bed because I had school in the morning and placed my phone down on my desk. “You are not ungrounded by a long shot but you can use the phone for now,” she said. I left the phone there and simply nodded to my mom. I finished the problems I was working on and then slowly picked up the phone and called Nikki.
“Hello,” Nikki answered the phone. “Hello Nikki it’s me and so far I’m alive,” I said with a hushed tone in my voice. “Oh my god we thought you were dead, have you been in LCJC all this time?” Nikki asked. “No I got out after court on Monday but my mom kept me home all week, and I’m on house arrest,” I said. “Wow that must be just awful so what all happened.” I filled Nikki in on everything that had transpired while I was in LCJC and the courtroom up to mom finding out I was dressing like Chrissy at school, I even told her about my mom’s ultimatum.
“So what are you going to do then,” she asked with so urgency. “I don’t know but I told her I can’t keep living a lie, Nikki I know who I am and if that means they throw me out then so be it. I would rather be dead then live as Shawn my whole life,” I said as if an ultimatum to myself. “Chrissy don’t say things like that, it’s not funny, beside you still have us,” Nikki said in her sisterly way. “Should we meet you at Sam’s then?” “Yes I will meet you there, and Nikki thanks for being so understanding and helping me,” I said almost in tears once more. “Hey that’s what sisters are for, now get some sleep and I will see you in the morning.” I hung up the phone and left it connected to the charger. I slowly crawled into bed and closed my eyes.
I woke up to the ringing of my alarm clock and quickly eat breakfast and took a shower. I quickly got dressed; packed my school bag, called the probation office with the number Mrs. Kim gave me and told them I was leaving for school. I practically ran down to Sam’s and she was waiting for me. True to my word to my mother, I would continue to be Chrissy even if it meant I could no longer live under their roof. It was a big risk but one I was willing to take for my own sanity.
Nikki arrived a minute or two later cursing at herself for being late. I told her of my new time restrictions last night on the phone. I tried to get her to calm down, as I didn’t want her making such a fuss. We still had plenty of time, to make it. We made it to school with five minutes to spare, it did help that I was getting much quicker dressing myself. We meet Joan at her bus and then walked inside so I could make my next phone call.
I was finally, back at school, my safe haven from all things bad. This was me, Chrissy, surrounded by my best friends. I turned in my late work and the teachers just smiled greeting me back to class. School was pretty much the same as it always is, going to class and talking with friends. I was asked a few times about my new jewelry.
I explained that I had gotten into a fight with my parents and I had ran away and the police picked me up put me in LCJC for the weekend and the judge placed me on house arrest for the next six months and probation for the next year. The story was boring enough that is was completely accepted and the big deal was of my ankle bracelet soon forgotten.
Home didn’t seem much like home anymore none of us were talking to each other and I would retire to my room just after my chores were completed. I didn’t want to look at them anymore then they wanted to look at me. However, this all changed a week later when my dad told me to come out and sit in the living room. I didn’t know what I had done as far as they knew I was not being Chrissy anymore as they assumed I wouldn’t with my new time restrictions have time to change before school.
“OK Shawn you are turned sixteen today and this is your moment of truth. I have something to ask you and I don’t want any lies or bullshit from you.” Dad looked at mom to see if she was ready to continue and she simply nodded for him to continue. “OK here is the deal your mother and I want to know if you are going to grow up and be a man now that you are sixteen or are you going to continue with all this girly crap?” dad asked with a ting of anger in his voice.
“Are you saying that if I want to continue to be Chrissy that you will allow me to be who I really am?” I asked hoping my parents finally understood that that is who I really am. “No I’m not saying anything right now I want you to tell me what you are planning to do from this point forward in your life, you have a choice to make and depending on your choice so do we,” dad said with a direct cold voice.
“Well if I get to make the choice then I would have to be true to who I am and I would chose to be Chrissy now and always,” I told them both. I was sound in my resolve and I knew it would not be easy for them to ever understand why. “Well my boy I am sorry to hear that, you know we have told you that you can never live under our roof like that,” He paused to look at mom who was already beginning to cry. He looked back at me then handed me a piece of paper, “Shawn you give us no choice then, I have to ask you to leave this house immediately, we cannot and will not condone your actions or your choice.”
“So you are throwing me out just like you did Bonita, you won’t even try to understand why or listen to the doctor? You are just going to get rid of me?” I said with anger building up in me. “You give us no choice, it was your decision to remain on this immoral path so you must walk it alone and you may only take with you what you have paid for with you own money. You will not be allowed to take any family pictures with you. When you leave this house you will leave everything of our son behind,” Bob said.
“How can you do this? So much for unconditional love huh,” that sent a stab threw my mom and she began to cry uncontrollably. I was becoming bitter by the second but somehow dad remained calm and just asked me to please go and start packing my belongings. It was Wednesday afternoon my birthday September 23, my sweet sixteen and I’m being evicted from my home. I ran to my room and called Nikki filling her in on everything.
Although I was extremely angry I was in tears I could not believe my parents would do this to me. “Where am I supposed to go Nikki, I have nowhere to go,” I told her. “Chrissy relax you will be fine we knew this might happen sooner or later but you do have somewhere to go. Just get packed,” Nikki said in a reassuring voice. Nikki told me the girls and her would be there soon to help move my things out and then hung up. I just wanted to be me, the real me inside of the awful disgusting body. I thought to myself as I was packing my belongings that I knew I could take with me.
Sam was the first to arrive as she lived the closest. Mom was not happy to see the girls coming over as she had forbid them to ever come to this house again; however, I told dad that this was their wish and I needed help if I was going to leave quickly to spare mom as much grief as possible. I seemed since able enough to me and it must have to dad too because he stood aside allowing them access to the house and my room.
We took out my alarm clock, stereo, and other belongings that my parents knew were mine. I knew they would not put up a fuss with these items as they were being loaded into Cindy’s moms van. The next I knew was going to be more problematic as I climbed up into the attic and slowly lowered eight extra large gym bags down to the girls. I opened a few of the bags and took out proper cloths to wear as my parents said; I must leave everything of their son’s behind.
Then with one last look around my room, I said goodbye and with each of us carrying two bags, apiece I stepped out of my room for the last time. My mom seeing the bags and me began to make a huge fuss, as I knew she would. My dad almost seemed lost as he looked at me. I stopped and said, “Dad you told me I can take whatever I paid for and I paid for these with my own money and I have done as you asked I have left everything of your son’s behind.”
“I took off the cloths you bought me and am now wearing the cloths I bought so could you and mom please step aside so we may leave.” “Where the hell did all this come from I want to see what you are trying to sneak out,” mom said as she grabbed one of the bags that Nikki was holding. Nikki kept her grip firm but it had broken the zipper nonetheless and a few lacy panties dropped to the floor. My mom covered her mouth with a gasp as Nikki quietly but quickly picked up my panties and stuffed them back into the broken bag.
My dad went and held my mother as we continued to walk to the door. One by one, we filled out of the house. As I reached the door I stopped and turned to face, my parents for what I hoped would not be the last time and said, “I’m sorry that I have hurt you but, I want you to know I will always love you and I forgive you for this.” Then I turned around and went out to place my bags into the van.
I took one last look at the door, my mom and dad just standing there looking at me in disbelief that I was really leaving. I was praying that mom would run out and tell me it was all a big mistake and I could stay and be who I really am but it was not to be. I called the probation number and told them that my parents had just asked me to leave; they told me that my parents had shown them my emancipation papers and simply asked if I knew where I was going. I gave them the new address of where I was going to stay and they told me they would be by tomorrow to collect the device from my parent’s house and install it at the new address after school. I said, “Thank you” and hung up the phone.
As Cindy pulled the van out of driveway and we slowly pulled away, I could not hold back any longer. I was determined to show a strong resolve to my parents but with them no longer in sight, I let go allowed myself a good cry. Sam was on the phone to her mom, telling her everything that had happened. Sam was doing a lot of “Yes Mom, I understand Mom, I will Mom, Yes Mom as soon as I help her unpack.” I could only imagine what was being said and I was so hoping that I was not going to be a burden. Nikki didn’t say anything she just held me as I cried.
Author Note: Sorry it has been so long since my last update. I came home safely from being over-sea's and have been going thru a divorce for the last 2 years.
We pulled up to Sam’s house and the reality of this situation was still somewhat of a dream. I was free of oppression but I have lost my parents in the process. “Was the price worth it,” I wondered as I unpacked my bags in what was to be my new room. “Chrissy, do you need some help unpacking,” asked Sam as the girls were still bringing in the last bits from the van. “Yes please, I’m just having a hard time thinking right now,” I told her trying my best to keep from breaking down again.
“It will be OK you’ll see. My mom should be home any minute. She’s already on her way home and got someone to cover for her; she wants to make sure your OK,” said Sam. “Oh she doesn’t need to do that I don’t want her to get into trouble with her boss.” “I feel like I’m already causing trouble for you and your mom,” I said as an escaped tear ran down my cheek then another until I was in full flow.
Just than Sam’s mom, Laura, came walking into the bedroom and said, “Don’t be silly Chrissy, everything will be alright dear now let’s dry those tears.” “Besides you’re going to be a good girl and mine the curfews, keep your grades up, and make sure your room is clean right?” I was not shocked by these rules, they were much the same as the rule I had at home, “Yes, Mrs. Brewer,” I said immediately.
“Oh call me mom or Laura, and Chrissy, I would like to meet your boyfriend before your next date,” she said with a little giggle. “Sam tells me he is very cute and just so you know I make Sam do the same. You will have the same rules she does.” “OK now let’s get you all unpacked and then we’ll watch a movie before bed. Nikki, Cindy, make sure you call your moms and ask them if it is OK for you to stay.” “We will Laura,” the two girls replied in stereo.
We unpacked all my stuff and it was either hung in the closet of neatly folded in a drawer. It was different seeing my cloths not in a gym bag and hiding them for dear life. “It wasn’t much of a girl’s room,” I thought, “well at least not yet but I do have a place to call home.” “What you thinking about Chrissy,” said Sam. “I was just thinking about how different things will be, that’s all, and that I will need to do some decorating,” I said with a smile.
Sam said, “I’ll be right back” as she got up and run out if the room. “Here this should make it better,” as she brought in a poster of Wilson Phillips one of my favorite pop groups. “Where should we hang it Chrissy?” “Humm,” I said “lets hang it here,” I said pointing over the bed. “I think this will do, what you think Sam.” “It looks like a good start now, let’s get down stairs for movie,” said Nikki.
We watched a movie with Laura. It was a surreal feeling until the girls left and Sam and I headed off to bed. I had a hard time falling asleep. As I stared around the room, I kept thinking about my mom and dad and wishing they would have finally of come to their senses and call me back home.
Sam came in to wake me up the next morning. She sat on the bed gently shaking me until I came to. Looking at her, I screamed and sat up fast looking around the room I realized that yesterday was for real. Sam looked every bit as scared as I felt. “Sorry”, I said. “I was not quite sure if this was a dream or not there for a minute.” “Well you better get a move on we have to get ready for school,” Sam said. I nodded and looked at my clock. Five-thirty she had to be kidding me. Did she really think I needed an hour and a half to get ready? Oh well I will have to talk to her a bit later about it.
We continued with getting ready for school be I wasn’t looking forward to it. I was still just a mess of emotions after yesterday. I still could not believe that my parents had basically throw me out, just like they did my sister. Well if that was how they wanted it then that was fine with me I told myself. I don’t need them anyways. I was trying to convince myself that I was a big girl and could do it on my own, but I was very buying it either.
School on the other hand did not change to much as I was just getting ready in a different place then before. It did have a few advantages as I was not only 2 blocks from the school and could get there in 5 minutes if I was running late. This also gave me a bit more time to spend with friends before and after school. The weekend came and I did get to talk to John which was nice and didn’t have to whisper and hide like I did when living at home always before I was worried about Mom or Dad overhearing me or just plan eavesdropping.
I was still grounded or so to speak as I was still under house arrest. Laura however has been very nice about it. She would try not to work every weekend so we could have our boyfriends over to watch a movie supervised of course but still it was nice to just lay down on the floor and snuggle with him. Laura had a good since of humor too about us being typical teenagers when she didn’t watch movies with us she would do random hand checks. She would sneak down the stairs or pear out of the kitchen and yell “Hand Check”. We had to make sure that our hands went straight up in the air within seconds. Needless to say we could only get away with minor touchy on top of cloths.
One Monday my probation officer came to check up on me and see how I was doing, which for me was great because I wanted to ask her if I would be able to get a part time job up town. I quickly found out that without an allowance it was hard to keep out with the normal makeup usage. Laura was nice and always picked me something up when she did for Sam but I really could not get over the feeling that I was a hinder. I would think her whenever she picked me up new foundation or eyeliner which ever was running low at the time. She would say, “Chrissy don’t worry about it, it’s no bother plus my house has never been cleaner.” With that I would respond, “Well just trying to earn me keep best I can”.
Mrs. Kim and I talked for just over an hour about my grades and how well I have been with checking in and not doing anything I was not suppose to. She said It might be a good idea for me to get a part time job however she told me the same rules would apply as if I was heading to or from school. I said, “thank you so much I just want to be able to help out more here and be able to get Laura and Sam presents for Christmas for everything they are doing for me.” “Plus it will get me some money for some new cloths and for when I get off of house arrest.” She told me Laura could take me out job hunting and then when I did get hired I would have to phone her with my schedule every week.
“Now Chrissy you must remember I will be checking up on you from time to time so if you say you are working you really need to be there. Also, if your schedule changes at all in the least you must call us right away. I would hate for you to get in trouble after doing so well this far. I am also to see your grades have not dropped considering what you have been through. I will let the Judge know that you have been doing very well both here and at school when I make my report tomorrow,” said Mrs. Kim.
“Thank you so much I have been trying my best plus it is easier to be myself and not worry about how bad I was ganna get beaten for trying to be who I really am.” “Well,” said Mrs. Kim, “You are certainly different honey but you have to admit it is not easy for parents to handle this big of a change even if they were told by your Psychologist.”
“Yeah I know but I just wish they could understand how I feel, in the since of knowing there is something wrong finally finding out what it was and being happy that I am finally happy with who I am.” I said as a small tear began to run down my cheek. “There, there it’s just going to take them time to adjust honey that’s all. I’m sure they will come around soon.” Through my sniffles I said, “Do you really think so?” I knew she was probably wrong but I had to hope. I did love them but I also needed to be me.
Laura as promised drove me around to put in applications around Crown Point. First at good old Mickey D’s then we moved along to the local movie theater, Rax, Taco Bell, Arby’s and finally Burger King. The manager at Burger king was there when I asked for and turned in my application. He introduced himself as Mike and asked if I had time to talk with him. I looked at Laura and she gave me that look of sure go for it, so in turn I simply said, “yes I have time now”.
Mike asked me many different kinds of questions like how good were my grades, how late I could work, was I in any special school activities, and most importantly how would I be getting to work. I his questions as easily as I could and with Mike being familiar with the area was sure I could make it to work on time to start the evening shift. I also had given him the emancipation papers the Laura had asked me to bring with.
She told me this would help because I would not be as restricted as others my age would be with later work hours and the number of hours I would be allowed to work in a week. Mike looked at the top of it where it said emancipation and didn’t look at it more than a second. I asked me for my Id and I handed him my School Id and said that was all I had. I this not exactly true since I did have a state ID to go with my driving permit.
I just didn’t want any confusion with having to be both Shawn and Chrissy while living in the same town. It was hard enough before but working with some other people from school would make it all the more confusing at school. Mike asked when I would be able to start, I look at Laura, and she took my confused look to come in for the rescue. She told Mike that I could start as soon as he could put me on the schedule but I would need to get something in writing to give to my probation officer.
He didn’t look surprised because I had already told him about having a bad fight with my parents and being put on probation for being a so called runaway. He excused himself for a minute and brought back a piece of paper filled with peoples name, date, and times. I knew it was a work schedule. He looked and then started to filling times and date right after writing my name on that line.
He said I would need to come in for two days just to cover all the training videos and then I would be on the floor working on the third day. He scheduled me to start working on Wednesday and Thursday night from 4pm till 9pm and Friday and Saturday from 4pm till Close. I would be off on this Sunday and the new schedule would be posted on Saturday for the next two weeks. He also reminded me that I would need to check the schedule to make sure I was not on it because it was my responsibility to make sure I knew my schedule even if I was not working the day it was posted. He also told me to make sure any days I wished to have off was done early because with the amount of high school people working here it was a first come first serve deal.
I assured him I would keep that close in mind. Mike made me a copy of the schedule and gave me my new uniform complete with polo shirt, pants, and a sporty cap supporting the Burger King logo. Laura called Mrs. Kim and asked if she was still in the office and if we could stop by. Mrs. Kim said she would be there for another hour and she would wait for us even if we were a little late. We pulled up, walked into the LCJC building, and went into Mrs. Kim’s office. I was a little nervous as all the memories of being locked up in here were flooding my mind. I proudly handed my schedule to Mrs. Kim and she looked it over carefully. She asked how I would be getting to and from work and I told her it was not too far to walk but Laura said she would be able to take me but with her work schedule she wouldn’t be able to pick me up. Mrs. Kim said we would need to time how long it took to walk from work to home and she would meet me there after work and follow me home while timing me. I knew this wouldn’t be such a problem and just looked at it as another condition of earning my freedom.
The next day I went to school and it passed much like every other day except for the little jeering I received about flipping burgers. I took it in stride because I knew I would finally be earning my own money and be able to buy things I needed without depending on Laura all the time but much more was to be able to buy things I wanted. I spent part of the afternoon making a list of what I was going to buy first and so on.
I was surprised at how much I wanted to buy then I trimmed down my list knowing I would want to get a car too. I knew I would never be able to get the car of my dreams but if it worked and got from point A to B then it would be good enough for me. I suddenly realized I would have less time to spend with John but he would just have to coop with that, besides it not like we have had much time together since the house arrest anyways.
The last bell rang signaling the end of the school day and the girls and I chatted on the walk back home so I could get change and off to my first day at work. I rushed into the house changed for work and then did a quick touch up on my makeup. Laura came up and said I looked fine but if we didn’t hurry I would be late for my first day. I was kind of shocked because I had a full thirty minute before I need to be there. She assured me that with the traffic from school getting out it would take longer than it would on the weekends or coming home. I asked Sam to let John know I was working tonight and I would call him if I got home before 10pm. She was right instead of the usual five-minute drive it took almost fifteen. She told me to hurry and get inside and being early was a good trait that employers look for in a good worker.
She was right Mike was surprised to see me and praised me for being early, as I would need to train on logging in. I looked at him with a confused look on my face and asked, “Mike where is the time clock?” I smiled and took me over to the register with was not being used. “Here,” he said, “push clock in,” I did as he instructed. “Now type in the last four digits of your social security number and hit enter.” I did and a small receipt printed saying Shawn Christine Hanzal in at 3:55pm. I took tore the receipt off and put it in my purse. Just then Matt a guy from my history class started me by calling my name.
“Chrissy hi your first day?” I nodded with a week smile and he continued, “Well it will sure be nice to have you here with the right of us school aged slaves.” He chuckled apparently trying to give Mike a hard time. Mike interrupted him and said, “Well this slave driver says you need to get logged in before you are late for the third time this pay period.” Mike was not mean about it and gave me a little smile as he teased Matt about not being on time.
Matt asked me if I could move over a bit so he could log in and then headed to the back. Mike gave me a brief tour introducing me to everyone who was working that night and then led me to the back break room. The break room was rather small and had a small TV with a VCR setting on top. Mike took four tapes off the shelf and placed the first one in the machine. “Each one of these movies rules and regulation on what we expect from our workers and are about an hour long. When this one finishes just rewind them and the put the next one in and so on. After the second video come and see me and I will show you how to log your break times on the register.” I nodded and he left for his small office I suppose to do some paperwork.
The movies were boring stuff about working as part of a team to make sure that the customer was always satisfied with the service they received. I was a whole bunch of common since stuff that made me wonder if there were people really out there that did not know the customer comes first rule. That was a disturbing thought. Matt came back there a few time trying to make an effort as if he was looking for something and to ask how I was enjoying the videos. “Well Matt I really can’t believe they would take the time to make something that was so much of common since, “I told him.
“I guess they think it is better to be safe than sorry when a customer complains,” Matt said. “You would be surprised how many people try to complain just to get a free meal.” I looked at him with a look that said “Yeah right” but he continued, “No I’m not kidding just yesterday this guy said the Michelle rang he order up wrong just to gut the 35 cent up-size for free.” It is truly amazing I tell you, but I had better let you get back to those videos and get back to making the orders before Mike comes after me.” Matt smiled and left me to put in the next video. The next video was about how if you were a hard worker you could advance up into management.
I was glad when that video was over. I still could not see myself still working in Burger King after school. I was going to be a computer programmer making good money with a big house and lots of wonderful cloths. I started the video rewinding and started to walk out of the break room when I heard Matt say my name again. He was talking to two other guys but I heard him clear as day say, “Dudes wait till you see her she is so drop dead sexy it just give me all kinds of problems if you know what I mean.” Then I heard the other guy say, “Well I’ll be the judge of that beside she can’t be all that.”
He stopped cold when I walked out of the break room and gave him a little smile as I walked to Mike’s office. I could still hear them whispering as I knock on Mike door. He smiled a genuine smile and jokingly said, “Well after all that teamwork you must be ready for break.” “You bet, I never would have imagined how important teamwork and customer satisfaction would play in my getting promoted to being the next manager,” I said feigning shock. “You’re going to fit right in here I can tell,” has said while trying to suppress his laughter. “Here let me show you how to log your breaks.”
Mike walked me thru the steps once again but it was easier since the was just one button to push and my four digit code. Mike also let me know that while we were allowed to drink as much pop as we liked meals we still had to pay for all be it at a discounted price. I went out to the payphone and called John. “Hello is John there,” I ask his mom when she picked up the phone. “Hold on Chrissy I’ll get him for you,” then I heard her say rather loudly, “John Chrissy is on the phone,” then to me she said, “He will be right here dear.” John then picked up the phone, “Hey babe wants up?” “Oh just thought I would call you but I only have a minute I’m on my break and it is almost over,” I said with a little sadness in my voice.
“Yeah Sam said you got a job when I call there earlier. So how is it going there at Burger King,” he asked. “Well,” I said, “Probably as well as I can expect for my first day training. The manager has me watching a bunch of training videos today and tomorrow. Friday will be the first real test when I am out doing real work.” “Oh before I forget I will be working Saturday too, then I will be off Sunday and I won’t know about the next two weeks till the new schedule till Saturday when Mike posts it.”
“Wow not much time for us then will you always be working the weekends,” he asked sounding a little depressed. “I don’t know but I hope to be, I would like to get some spending money and save up for some Christmas gifts. Besides its better than being stuck in the house all night with this house arrest,” I said while looking at my watch. “Oh crap John I have to go I only have a minute before I need to clock back in, I’ll call you when I get home if it is before ten.” “OK I’ll be waiting,” was all I heard before rushing a quick goodbye and ran back inside to punch back in.
Mike was waiting for me and watched me nodding his approval for remembering to punch back in and for not being late. I walked back into the break room and started the next video. The next two videos were you basic health and safety videos. I was so happy to be finished watching those videos word could not begin to explain. Not to mention that my butt was getting sore again from sitting on that hard plastic chair. I waited for the last video to finish and then put them back on the shelf were I saw Mike get them and went back out to let Mike know I had finished. I was surprised to notice that the last two videos were longer than the first two and it was already 8:45.
“Well did you learn anything new about safety?’” Mike said with a chuckle. “As a matter of fact yes I did,” I said in a sincere tone. Mike looked at the clock and said, “Chrissy why don’t you mingle around and watch what is going on and then when it’s nine you can grab you things, swing by here and we’ll make sure you punch out right and you can head home.” I nodded and walk out to see what everyone was doing. I was amazed at how they seemed to move around each other and how fluid the process seemed to go. I was starting to hope I would be so fluid when my turn comes on Friday.
It was one minute to nine; I walked back to the break room, got my coat and purse then knocked on Mikes door right at Nine. He walked me to the front and watched me log out for work, I took my receipt, put it in my purse, said goodbye to everyone and started heading for the door. “Where might you be heading Miss?” said Mrs. Kim. “I was heading out to call you, I forgot you said you would be here,” I said. “I forgot you were coming to well you know.”
I was getting so weird looks from some of my co-workers. Therefore, I nodded toward the door and Mrs. Kim seamed to catch the hint. We walked outside and I said, “I really don’t want anyone to know because that would just start all kinds of question I’m not ready to share with my co-workers if you know what I mean.”
“I can understand that Chrissy,” she said, “so why don’t you start walking and I will pull down the street and wait for you to catch up and we’ll play like a game of leap frog till you get home.” “OK” was about all I could muster before she began her stopwatch and I began my walk home. I didn’t walk slow but I wasn’t walking fast either. I was wondering how long this walk might feel after working nine plus hours on the upcoming weekend.
The walk didn’t take as long as I had thought it would. I was home in 45 minutes with Mrs. Kim waiting for me. We talked for a bit and then she told me she would give me an hour just to make sure I made it home. She also reminded me to call when I was leaving work and to keep my time receipts this way there was no mistake when I left work.
The next few day seem to fly past in the blink of an eye. I slowly woke to a stream of light coming though the window. ‘Wow I thought Sunday already. I just can’t believe how fast this week went.’ I walked down stair and Laura and Sam were setting at the table eating lunch much to my surprise. “Well hello there sleepy head,” said Laura in a motherly tone. “Bet you didn’t think it was ganna be this hard did you”. I looked at her with a week smile and said, “No I sure didn’t but I am really looking forward to getting that first check next Friday.”
“Did you know they stayed open till 1am on the weekends, cause I sure didn’t. Then it took use almost an hour to finish cleaning up and get everything ready for the day shift to come in. I had no idea what was involved in being a closer.” Her and Sam both just laughed at me. “Well sweety look on the bright side you have worked 29 hours this week and at the $6.30 an hour you will have about a hundred and thirty dollars on your first check after taxes.” Wow, that is great, I didn’t realize that. Maybe I can get a new CD this weekend,” I said with a new skip in my step. “Yes I’m sure you can but it will depend on if you are working next weekend or not, but I’m sure we can find some time to get it for you,” Laura said with a smile.
“That reminds me here is my schedule for the next two weeks. I need to get it to Mrs. Kim. This week I am working Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. The following week I will be working Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and All of them 4pm to close,” I said while placing my schedule on the refrigerator. “Are you sure you will be able to handle that and your school work, Chrissy?” “I plan on taking any home work with me so I can finish it on my breaks and,” I turned to look at Sam. “Sam would it be OK If I used you bike so I can get home quicker? Also could you let me sleep in till six thirty I think I’m ganna need all the sleep I can get.”
“No problem Sis, however you might need to leave me a note on your door in case I don’t remember.” I then looked back to Laura, “I will see how it goes and if I need to back off a few nights Mike said he could try and read adjust the schedule. It is kind of my fault though because, I asked him to work me a lot so I could save some money up.” Laura nodded and I assumed my answer was good enough since she did not push it issue farther except to say, “I just don’t want you grades slipping, so if you can keep them up then it will be fine.” I promised I wouldn’t let it interfere with my grades and that made her happy enough.
Then I looked back at Sam, “Sam what do you want to do today since I’m off?” Sam seemed in thought for a bit and then said, “We can’t go to the movies but we could call the girls and have a movie day here, there is the new Christian Slater movie that came out on video if you like. I’ll call the gang and see if Stacey can pick it up on the way over.” With that Sam bounded out of the room and hit the phone. “Chrissy, said Laura, John called for you this morning.
I told him you were still sleeping since I knew you didn’t get home till almost 3:30 this morning.” “Did I wake you; I asked her, I’m so sorry I was trying to be very quite.” “No honey I just couldn’t sleep, you might not be physically mine but you are still my little girl, if you catch me meaning.” I walked up to Laura and gave her a great big huge and said, “Yes I do and think you so much,” I paused the continued “Do you need a hand cleaning up?” “No I have everything here go on, shoo, have some fun and don’t forget to call John back.”
I walked into the living room just as Sam was hanging up. “Everything is set they should be here in a hour or so. You know if you keep this up, I might have to trade you in for another sister who is around more. It has been so boring with you not here,” She said with a playful smile. “I wish I didn’t have to work but I need to, it not like I get an allowance anymore, Plus you mom is doing so much for me it feels wrong to ask her for to get me anything.
"Beside look at it this way you will never know what I will be getting you for Christmas, Humm maybe since you are going to replace me I should get you a lump of coal,” I said as Sam threw one of the couch pillows at me. “OK, OK maybe two lumps of coal then,” I said as she batted me again with another pillow. It was nice to have some fun after working so much this past week and I genuinely missed not spending much time with her.
After our small pillow fight, we picked up the living room and I plopped down on the couch to called John before the girls got here. “Hi honey how are you doing,” asked John. “Fine a little tired, work last night was so hectic and I was having a hard time trying to keep up. I never would have suspected it would be like that, or that hard.” I finished telling him about my last two nights of work and giving him my next two weeks schedule. “So,” John began, “when do I get to see you next?” “Why don’t you come and see me at work I usually get my break around eight or nine. I can’t leave but I can at least spend a little time with you.”
“I’m sorry things are difficult right now but it will get better I just have to get off of this probation.” “It’s not that Chrissy, but with you working I can’t even come and see you at your house either.” “John I won’t be working every weekend but I am the new person and get put on all the crappy shifts you know and it is my fault a bit cause I really would like to get some money saved up to buy Laura and Sam a few really nice presents for everything they are doing for me. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have a place to call home.”
“You know you never really told me why your parents made you leave yet.” “John I am just not ready to talk about that and I am not sure when I will be.” “I just want to be here for you that’s all, if you ever do want to talk about it just let me know.” "Thank you that’s very sweet of you and I’ll think about it I promise.” We talked for a bit longer until the girls came over and said our goodbyes and he promised he would try and make it by sometime this week to have dinner with me at work.