Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you. Honey Bunny Honey Bunny by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson All Rights Reserved.

Although by this time I was quite used to dressing as Ally and my Aunt had seen me dressed as a girl on a couple of occasions, I nevertheless felt self-conscious when I followed Carol downstairs to see her.

‘I understand from Carol that it’s going to be Ally rather than Alex from now onwards,’ said my Aunt with a welcoming smile.

‘Well I don’t actually need to be Ally again until I join the ship next Saturday,’ I responded.

Carol shook her head.

‘No, it needs to be Ally from now onwards, at least until we’ve completed the trial,’ she said. ‘The more practice you can get, the better it will be, for all our sakes.’

‘I suppose you’re right,’ I replied. ‘If anyone on board recognises that I’m a guy, we are unlikely to receive any more bookings from the company.’

‘So what are you planning to say to your parents about the job?’ asked Aunt Emma.

‘I’ve drafted an email to them saying that I’ve found a job as a musician on a cruise liner, but I haven’t gone into a lot of detail.’

‘I’ll bet you haven’t!’ she replied. ‘You’d better send a blind copy of your email to me and I’ll do the same to you for anything I send to your mother so we can at least get our stories straight. But I don’t like telling lies to my sister.’

‘Thanks, Aunt Emma. We won’t be lying so much as not telling her the whole truth.’

She sighed.

‘I just hope that I’m doing the right thing.’

‘I really appreciate your help, Aunt Emma. It's what I've always wanted to do.’

She looked at me inquisitively as if to say Do you mean 'singing in a group' or 'living as a girl?' but then appeared to have decided not to ask that question. I avoided her gaze.

‘Carol has talked me in to co-operating with your mad scheme – for the sake of both of you and the others in your group.’

'Thanks.'

There was a brief pause before she changed the subject.

‘I suppose we’ll now need to get you sorted with some more clothes to wear. As I mentioned the other day, Susan left quite a few of her clothes when she left us last month. You’re welcome to use any of those,’ she pointed to a large cardboard box which Carol had retrieved from a cupboard under the stairs.

‘I’ve already had a quick look through it, Ally; there are a number of items you might use, in addition to the clothes that Beth and I have already loaned to you,’ said Carol.

‘I’ll also have £200 to spend on some new clothes,’ I added.

‘In that case there are a number several outlet type clothes shops in Gun Wharf Quays in Portsmouth which often have good quality clothes for sale at less than half the normal high street price. I’m owed a few hours by my work so maybe we can drive over there on Monday afternoon, if you like, to see what we can find for you.’

‘Thanks, I’d like that.’

‘You’ll need to get yourself some new underclothes as well. I’ll loan you some of mine for tomorrow, but after that you must get some of your own. Maybe we can buy some items in the Precinct tomorrow morning,' said Carol.

‘Alright then.’

My Aunt was just about to leave us to explore the contents of the cardboard box but then appeared to have second thoughts.

‘One other thing, girls!’

We both looked up.

‘Congratulations on your new jobs!’

‘So what exactly are we looking for this afternoon Ally?’ asked Aunt Emma, as we parked at the Gun Wharf Quays.

‘I’m not exactly sure. I’ve already got some clothes, but I’m going to need to have enough to last me for the two week trial period. Presumably there are staff laundry facilities on the ship, but I don’t want to have to rely on them too much.’

‘She’s going to need another dress, a skirt or two with matching tops and some trousers, some shoes, and a couple more sets of underwear,’ said Carol who had appointed herself my wardrobe mistress.

‘Are we going to be able to get all that for two hundred pounds?’

‘We should do so as long as we don’t get carried away,’ said my Aunt.

‘I’m not experienced enough to know what is likely to look good on me, so I’ll just leave myself in your hands, on this occasion, if that’s ok.’

‘Alright, on this occasion, but pay careful attention as you’re going to have to develop your own look, and know what is right for you to wear.’

Thus I spent most of Monday afternoon trying on different garments or listening to my aunt and my cousin discussing what colour combinations would go best together, or else carrying a growing number of carrier bags containing my purchases. I could see that that women have a much wider range of clothing types, colours, styles and textures to choose from and so it was going to take me a little time to get used to them all. It was a tiring afternoon, but I enjoyed myself and learned a lot.

‘Well, Cousin Ally, you are now the proud possessor of a reasonably sized wardrobe of female clothing,’ announced Carol as we hung my new purchases in the front of my wardrobe,’ later that evening.

‘Yes and I haven’t had to spend much of the money I earned from the McJob,’ I replied.

‘The task isn’t finished yet, you’re still going to need to buy yourself some cosmetics as well. By the way, what have you done with Alex’s clothes?’

‘They are hanging in the back of the wardrobe.’

‘Why not put them in that cardboard box and store them under the stairs for now. I think it will be best if we forget all about Alex until after the first voyage is over.’

‘Alright then.’

My aunt drew up a packing list detailing everything that Carol and I were likely to need on a two week voyage. There were a few things we could share, such as a hair dryer and curling tongs, but there were other items (hair brushes, hair accessories, a manicure set) where I would need my own. My aunt was quite generous in giving or loaning me most of these items and some of her costume jewellery which she no longer wore. In addition to the shoes and hair pieces, Beth gave me the nightdress, slippers and housecoat set that had been given to her but she’d never worn. I offered Aunt Emma the remaining £160.00 in my current account to cover my keep, but she told me to keep half of it, saying that £40.00 a week would be quite enough and that she wouldn’t be expecting me to pay her anything whilst we were away cruising. She suggested that I should go out and buy myself some cosmetics with the rest of the money.

On the Monday I received a letter from McManagement instructing me to attend a disciplinary interview on the coming Friday, for failing to turn up to one of my duties the previous week. It seemed as if they were suspending me for the week and would give me a formal warning but afterwards let me continue working. I toyed with the idea of attending the interview, dressed as Ally and telling them what they could do with their job, but thought better of it. Instead Alex wrote back saying that he could not promise to agree to last minute shift changes and was therefore tendering his resignation. (They did eventually pay me for all the hours that he’d worked, although only after deducting an administrative charge for processing his resignation.) I also had a reply to my email from my parents congratulating me on the new job and hoping that I would use the time to think carefully about my future. Mum had previously mentioned that some of her friends used Skype when they were contacting their children overseas and asked whether we could do the same. I’d replied by saying that my laptop was fairly ancient and didn’t have a built in camera. She reminded me of the birthday money that I was holding in my deposit account, hinting that I might get myself a new one.

James, of the Young Bucks (as they now called themselves) got in touch with Beth the day after our interview and suggested that we should meet up for a discussion and at least one rehearsal before we left. This at least demonstrated that they’d come to terms with the news about me and were just as keen as we were that the trial voyage would be a success. We were going to need to have quite a number of new songs rehearsed if we were going to be able to perform for at least two hours each day for twelve days. Beth arranged for the two groups to meet up on the Tuesday morning. By this time I'd really settled in to my new persona. It was great having a choice of clothes to wear and not having to worry about changing back into Alex. For the first time I felt I could relax and gain a degree of self-confidence as Ally.

When we met the guys it was clear that they’d already come up with several useful suggestions of their own and Beth and Carol agreed to work out some stage routines for the Bunnies to perform. At one point Beth and Carol were discussing something with James and Tom and I was left alone with George. It was the first opportunity that I’d had to speak with him since he’d learned the truth about me on Saturday afternoon.

‘George, I really liked your arrangement of 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!',’ I said to him, trying to break the ice that had formed between us.

‘I’m glad,' he responded coolly.

‘I think it’ll work well for us.’

‘Yes, it should do so.’

This conversation was getting to be hard work.

‘George, I hope you weren’t too disappointed to discover about me or feel that I tried to trick you in some way.’

‘I think you tricked all of us, quite successfully, but at least I didn’t make a fool of myself by asking you out,’ he replied.

My cheeks coloured and I looked away for a moment. His answer made me feel like I was some kind of pervert seeking to prey on innocent young men. I may have been pleased to receive compliments from George but I‘d never deliberately flirted with him or encouraged his admiration. However I decided to let it pass.

‘It’s just that you’re a good instrumental arranger and I feel that we could collaborate well together, if we could only work together.’

He hesitated for a minute unsure how to respond.

‘I suppose so; as long as nobody is under the impression that we are boyfriend and girlfriend.’

I smiled.

‘No, we’ll just be friends; or even colleagues, if you prefer. I don’t think either of us is ready for anything other than that.’

He seemed to relax a bit.

‘Alright, Ally, I can agree to that. Perhaps we could meet up and go through all the numbers that we have discussed and work out a plan.’

‘I’d love to do so; why not come to my Aunt’s house tomorrow morning? Carol will be there as chaperone just to make sure that nothing untoward happens,’ I suggested, with a smile.

He blushed, but nevertheless agreed to come and we had a useful morning working together.

After that the last two days before we were due to embark disappeared in a flash. Everybody was increasingly excited about the prospect that awaited us and hopeful that we would be able to prove ourselves. My acceptance that I was going to be spending the remaining days before our departure as Ally made life somewhat simpler than it previously had been. Carol and Beth now treated me exactly as they would have done to any other singer in their group.

The Fair Maid of Southampton, was a huge new luxury cruise liner that looked like some kind of floating city, and which contained every conceivable means of wringing a little more money from its passengers’ bank accounts. It was scheduled to operate between Southampton and Venice via Barcelona. On Saturday 17th May 2014 Aunt Emma drove Carol and me to the entrance to Southampton Docks where we met up with Beth and her parents at 11.00am. The guys were making their own arrangements to get a lift and transport their instruments. I’d wondered whether I needed to warn my aunt to be careful about what she said about me in front of Beth’s parents, but by this time she too had accepted me as her neice and there had been no reference to Alex in nearly a week.

Security at the dockyard was quite tight and our companions would not be permitted to see us on board to our respective cabins. We therefore said our farewells at the dock gates.

‘Take care, both of you, and look after one another,’ said Aunt Emma. ‘I’ll see you on Thursday week.’

Then turning to me, she quietly said, ‘I just hope that I’m doing the right thing in saying nothing to your parents, Ally.’

‘I’m eighteen now, and they know and have accepted that I’m going to be working on a cruise ship.’

‘So I understand. I just hope that they don’t discover what is really happening by some other route.’

We then presented ourselves at the dock gates and gave a final wave to those who had brought us. The officials checked a printed list of names and we were allowed through. There was an awning covering the entrance to the gangplank where our new photo ids were waiting for us. I now had official identity showing my new name and gender which would enable me to go ashore without a passport.

‘It’s going to be quite an adventure, eh girls?’ said Beth once we’d made our way to our cabins.

‘Especially for me!’ I thought to myself, but didn’t say so out loud.

The staff quarters on board were fairly modest compared with those for the passengers, with foldaway bunks instead of beds. However they were adequate and everything was brand new. I would be sharing with Carol, which was perhaps just as well as she would be able to keep an eye on what I wore and ensure that no fashion crimes were committed. As members of the entertainment staff, we also had access to a respectably sized dressing room. Beth initially had a cabin to herself but was told that she’d later be sharing with a Spanish girl who was going to work in the hairdressing and beauty salon on board and who would be joining the ship in Barcelona. Once on board we were all issued with our 'official' company uniforms, a navy blue skirt and jacket set and light blue blouse for the Bunnies and dark blue suit and white shirt and tie for the Bucks, although we wouldn't be expected to wear these when we were performing.

During our first few days at sea I worked hard to develop Ally’s appearance, mannerisms and general presentation as I had now to live and operate in an environment where most of those that I came across had no idea that I was a guy. I was fairly confident that my voice wouldn't give me away as I'd had plenty of practice over the years but there were so many other aspects to living as a girl. I didn’t want there to be any rumours spreading round the crew about me, as that would be the end of our future employment prospects. I’m sure the Bucks realised this as well. After a couple of days of slight awkwardness, the musicians seemed to forget about the past and began to treat me as one of the girls and we all adopted Frank’s advice about there being no reference to Alex anywhere on board. As far as Carol and Beth were concerned, I’d saved the day for them and they went out of their way to help me get used to my new role. Alex’s name and my past life were never mentioned in the cabin that I shared with Carol nor in the Bunnies’ dressing room. The only snag was that I found it difficult to sleep whilst wearing Beth’s clip in hair extensions and so I felt a little vulnerable until I’d had a chance to replace them first thing each morning. My own hair was longish for a guy but not quite long enough for a girl. In other respects, though, it had become second nature to me to wear Ally’s clothes, to put on my own makeup and to adopt her voice.

At the same time we all sought to enlarge and perfect our act and make sure that the passengers would be able to come back and see our show on more than occasion without feeling that they’d seen it all before. Our afternoon performances seemed to go down well with younger audiences, sometimes including a number of children, but we had a more sophisticated audience in the evenings, so we began to adapt our programmes accordingly. The appreciation shown to us made the time and trouble that I was now taking to live as Ally, full-time, seem to be worthwhile.

George and I worked on the new songs and arrangements, whilst James and Tom worked on the instrumental solos. Beth and Carol worked out new dance routines so our performances were much livelier and professional than before. Occasionally their dance routines involved us in flirting on stage with the musicians. James and Tom had girlfriends at home but didn’t seem to mind. In fact I think they derived a certain amount of kudos from being associated with three fairly glamorous young ladies. George looked a little embarrassed especially, if I were required to drape my arms round him or blow him a kiss as part of a number. I think Carol realised that there was still a trace of awkwardness between us and thereafter she arranged it that he and I didn’t need to come into bodily contact. In all other respects, though, we worked well together. We began to meld as a single group rather than just three girl singers accompanied by three guys playing instruments. We were all so busy that at first we didn’t pay too much attention to the progress of the cruise across the Bay of Biscay and into the Mediterranean. The ship initially called at Gibraltar for a few hours and then docked for a full-day at Barcelona on the fifth day. Some of the passengers left to fly home at this point and others began their cruise. This would be followed by shorter visits to Marseilles in France, then returning via Palma in Majorca, Cadiz in Spain and back to Southampton.

Beth, Carol and I received a number of invitations to drinks by some of the male passengers but accepting such invitations or fraternising with the customers was frowned upon by management. We were all aware of our precarious employment situation and didn’t want to break any rules. We therefore graciously declined and in most cases the guys got the message. Beth and Carol became friendly with a couple of the assistant engineers on board named, Richard and John, although nothing too serious. I suppose it would have been possible for me to join them and perhaps chat to some of the other male staff of my own age, but I was still anxious about being read and the last thing I wanted to do was to give anyone the wrong idea or let them think that I might be interested in an on-board romance. I therefore remained slightly aloof from close personal relationships and took to wearing a fake ‘engagement ring’ to discourage any interest. However, in other respects those around me seemed to accept Ally without any question.