Damsels

Damsels

I stared at the pile of things that John had brought in and I looked at him like he was nuts. On the table were piles of fabric and satin and lace and all this stuff like one of those seamstresses shops exploded into our gaming room in my garage…well my parent’s garage.

“What the hell dude, it looks like…where did you get all of this stuff?”

John grinned. “At like the old strip mall down on Covington street the place that was hit by the lightning and stuff in the big storm last week. They got flooded out from all of that and like this stuff was in boxes that were wet but the fabrics still good cause it was bagged.”

“Well what are we going to do with this stuff?”

“Sell it dude what else?”

“And who’s going to buy it?”

He blinked then typically answered. “Chicks dude.”

I rolled my eyes. “Women dude and no one really buys this stuff anymore outside of like hobbyists.”

“Cool we’ll sell it to them!”

“John it was tossed for a reason, anyone that would have wanted it already turned it down.”

“Really?”

I nod. “Yeah really.”

“Shit.”

He looks at the stuff and he yanks it off the table and sets the stuff in some more boxes that I hadn’t seen and shoves them up against the wall and he takes out his wallet. “Dude I got paid helping clean the place so like pizza?”

“Definitely call it in and I’ll get stuff ready for the game.”

We were playing Champions and that’s a really old superhero game that’s still a pretty good game with generic rules so you could do a whole lot of everything in it and we were running a game based off of one of our favorite computer RPGs City of Heroes that sadly died on us. So getting a bunch of books at a fortuitous yard sale we started recreating stuff from our characters and things that we had loved from others and the game itself.

It was the typical college geek night in and most of us were from town and half were going to the local college or the community college or just plain working.

Sometimes I wonder why we bother really I mean half the time we’re talking about movies or games or random trivia stuff that’s usually geek related in one way or another and the rest of the time it’ll be a movie night if we end up watching something new on DVD or Blu Ray.

Frustratingly enough it’s just yet another night without any of us having girlfriends.

Oh I could say it’s the way that I look or the money I have or don’t have or that I’m skinny or any of the things that you usually think of for a loser guy and you’d likely be right.

I’m five foot seven which isn’t too small and I’m a hundred and sixty pounds and change which isn’t too bad either and I wear glasses and I am a geek and I have no real interest in sports. And I actually don’t mind some things but others were just things other got too obsessed with.

And I’m not one particular kind of geek or nerd either

Gah…anyways you get the point…mid-twenties and living home even though it’s an apartment Dad built over the garage for me. It’s actually a pretty big place because our garage is really big one of those two car jobs with room for tools, mower etc. I`m on the skinny side of things because I never did really care enough about sports to be a jock so I never became one and after high school well…less than that.

Even my job is pretty crappy and that’s laying down flooring. It’s mostly carpets and oilcloth flooring and it does pay okay but it is what it is and it’s not a thing most girls care for or about.

The game’s okay but running games it’s just…more of the same and all with me creating an adventure and them playing half in and half out of character most of the time and someone going off to do whatever.

After the game the guys left leaving me to clean things up with the normal post-game stuff with pop cans and junk food wrappers and the usual pizza boxes and that just sort of added to my frustration and my mood.

Then I seen the boxes of all that stuff that John brought here and I went over to the stuff and hauled it out.

Okay I don’t know that much about this kind of stuff but it’s expensive and there is a lot of it.

And I’m actually pretty good at cosplay for like the fantasy stuff and other things so maybe I could use some of this as materials for that.

I was going through the things when it actually dawned on me like a flash of inspiration.

Other people actually make money making clothes and cosplay stuff for other people.

It can’t be that hard to sew things for women right?

I would need stuff though.

I ended up getting in my car and headed to where John said he found the stuff and the place was pretty trashed but there we all kinds of things out back filling the dumpster that were just waiting on being tossed out.

I went looking for models, those dress stand things and I got two that needed cleaning up and washing and a mannequin even and there was lots of things like thread spools and patterns still in their packages.

I took it all back to my place and went and made space in my work area where I had my cosplay stuff and then crashed.

I’m one of those folks that needs a project.

Usually it’s sated with collecting and for me that’s either my comics or my DVD’s and sometimes my roleplaying game books and magic cards but nothing beats cosplay for a project.

I used to do miniatures but while the detail fix is there there’s little other reward the time only the admiration of certain other collectors and artists.

It’s slightly better with Battletech/MechWarrior and Warhammer but that was a pair of really, really expensive bullets I was able to avoid.

I dabbled with models but I’m not a big fan of anything past starships I’m not into cars or the military stuff and well the Star Wars stuff had way too much stuff…I would have had to have them all or as much as I could.

Now cosplay you can wear at parties some or to cons and there’s specific cons too just for cosplay plus a lot of recognition of your work and yeah you can even make money.

It took the rest of the weekend to get the stuff moved and set up to where I wanted things.

Ever the fantasy fan I made roller racks for the fabric to store it and actually made a table from two by fours we had out back and an old door we had from when we renovated my sister’s room when she moved out after getting married.

That was one of those almost hollow 70-80’s faux wood grain press paneling covered doors so to keep it from getting things caught on splinters including myself I wallpapered it with leftover stuff as well and just to go with it I glued and stapled on a fabric drop to hide the standing frame.

Hell if I knew a few gamer girls I could sell this as a gaming table. The wallpaper was sort of off white but done in this almost Vienna house moulding way almost victorian looking and I used a sort of matching cloth but with that faux satin/nylon pearly blue shade.

The next steps were figuring out what to make.

It took a little while over the month with just playing around and doing some reading on LARP sites.

There was a market for this stuff and there really wasn't a lot of people around here doing this kind of work. Heck not even LARP but just women tabletop players were looking for something different.

So I played around and worked at things and started to get okay with the sewing machine and I did a bunch of fantasy peasant blouses and a bunch of skirts and dresses and even a few robes for the mage and cleric types and posted up things online.

Getting started was still sort of harder really.

Online women are careful and I don’t blame them. especially with guys, men are assholes and yeah I got a good dose of that when I was putting links up to my really basic webpage for selling stuff and just holy hell the upset assholes that I was doing this and being a guy just made all the homophobic stuff fly out in droves.

So things barely moved at all in the first year and I still made things it was just kind of soothing and I gifted a few things out on Halloween and sent a few things to my sister of all people because she met a guy and he was into the same things as me and so as it turns out was she.

You always hear about the gamer girls and the fake gamer girls but you never think of the closeted gamer girls.

Y’know loves all things geeky but somehow ended right in the middle of preppy central where you can be smart sure but you can’t really be geeky or into the sci-fi and fantasy stuff.

It was Denny who actually got things rolling.

That’s her new nickname. her name’s Denise so there you go right?

Well I hadn’t seen her since she moved out and she showed up about halfway through December with her bags and minus her latest boyfriend.

She’s stopped off at the liquor store and a few other places and not only did she show up with her stuff and everything but she came bearing gifts like a couple cases of coolers and a couple of cases of beers (yes different kinds) and a couple of bottles of hard stuff.

Her coming home set things off a little with the folks but dad’s pretty easy going and Denny brought booze, some groceries and still had her job which paid pretty good as she was working for a doctor as his office receptionist and was making some good money and had full benefits.

Mom was good simply because apparently that Kevin guy turned out to be an asshole that was a combination of sponge and cheater.

I’d been working, sewing, occasionally gaming but didn’t have a lot going on as my friends were all tied up themselves.

So having Denny come home after she came out as a geekette and pretty much done and more with the high school bullshit was kinda nice.

Especially when she came up to my apartment with a couple of cases of beer and a pint wedged between her boobs.

Denny looked good, no not in that banjo country good but she’s older and she’s in good shape but not that starved skinny trying too hard I remember from her being in school.

Jeans and a simple black scoop neck top and sneakers which she scrapes off her feet by my door which was nice and I take the beer.

“You brought beer?”

“Turns out I like it.”

I give her a look. “I’m a girl, beer’s supposed to be eeew.” I’m teasing by sort of quoting her.

“Yeah that’s not true.”

“Yeah but you still made all those faces back then.”

Denny nods. “Yeah I know. But that’s what all my friends said and everyone else back in school.”

“What changed?”

“Avalon Hill.”

“What’s that?”

“A ren faire place a few friends took me to, had real ale, mead and all sorts of homebrewed goodies I never knew about.”

“Sounds cool.”

“Totally, it was an eye-opener too met loads of girls into stuff that I couldn’t wrap my head around before and made a bunch of friends.”

“Hey friends are good.” I tease as I hold up some take-out fliers.

Denny takes the pint of her bra then digs back in her cleavage and pulls out her middle finger making a face and I chuckle. “Seriously sis I like the new you.”

“Not that new Jack but thanks. I grew up a lot really.”

She heads to the kitchenette corner I have and puts the pint of Jameson in the freezer and we start putting the beers in the fridge. “You see happier.”

She shrugs. “Happyish, though Kevin was kinda a wash-out.”

“What happened?”

“I met him at a concert, we started dating then got serious. I thought it was going places so I moved in with him. He had a decent job when he had work, when he didn’t he just kinda did what he wanted which was a lot of fucking around...then that included fucking around on me.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“Kinda?”

Denny passes me a beer and it’s some kind or red beer and it’s not bad and she drinks from her own for a few pulls. “I’m more hurt over the lost time and possibility really. I was kind of looking forward to that settling down and stopping the life scramble.”

I nod. “I guess, not much of a scrambler.”

She gestured around the apartment. “Hey, sure it’s right on top of home but rent’s a bitch out there and the job market’s not the best, you have a place, got a job that’s more than some.”

I nod.

Then she just says. “I’m going to miss Kev’s cock though.”

I cough and choke. “Jesus Denny!”

She laughs. “What? I’m a human, I like sex too. Hell it was one of the things that Kevin was good for.”

“TMI sis, seriously TMI.”

“What it’s not like you and your friends don’t talk about girls like that.”

“Okay got me there but in my case it’s pretty much fiction.”

She looks at me. “No one?”

“Not since Catherine.”

“Ouch.”

Catherine’s my high school ex. I mean we did okay I wasn’t super popular and she wasn’t either but she went away from town to college and broke up with me before she did. Kind of a just in case I find someone else/better thing and she took off my heart in her hand at the time.

She looks at me. “No one since?”

“A few near misses, just dates but not really unless I wanted to date highschool girls.”

“That’s pretty much illegal dude.”

“And annoying.”

“Oh you tried?”

“Deb was nineteen, but just nineteen and it was okay but at the same time I seriously couldn’t deal with the drama.”

“Drama?”

“She liked to play jealousy head games and she didn’t like my friends of hobbies so I was done really fast.”

She winces. “That, that was a good saving throw dude, odds are she’d been years of worse.”

I laugh and take a drink. “Pizza?”

“Drinks little brother, let’s get a bit blastered before we eat.”

“Blastered?”

“It’s something from my Star Wars group.”

I nod. “That really fits, it’s good when you get to your own slang and inside jokes. What edition?”

“Old school, the Steve Jackson one.”

“That’s a lot of dice.”

She laughs and we start talking gaming or rather our games and characters and she’s in two groups on a Star Wars group and the other’s a D&D group and we put on some tunes and she’s looking at my books cooing over some of the vintage stuff.

I’ve got a lot of old games even if they’re stuff I no longer play.

“Shit, Runequest, Gamma World, Top Secret, you have a lot of Marvel Super Heroes stuff too.”

“I collect it and GURPS too.”

“Jack you could open a store.”

“Noooo, no one around here would buy this stuff, gaming and comics even are dead here sis.”

“Really?”

“Yeah The Hole’s shut down like three times since you moved.”

The Hole is The Hobbit Hole the only really good place in town for games and comics and used books. And it’s been a dreamer’s pit, guys like me trying to run it better in a town that’s not all that interested and kinda sneering at the whole geek thing.

Alderton isn’t big enough for there to be a gaming/geek community to pay the everyday.

She’s nodding as I kinda rant about it because it is frustrating actually and she has her own rant about when Tony Maltby ran it the first guy and how she was just a goofy tween and she got that whole geek-asshole thing versus girls and women that pretty much was the thing that drove her away and several girls she knew.

Then there’s some more drinking, and then talking about the sewing stuff

“These are good Jack.” Denny says looking through my growing collection of stuff. “You’re pretty good at this, did you take home ec in school?”

I made a lot of things looking online at other cosplayers. Cloaks are easy and some curtain material works good for the linings. Blouses and tops, long sleeves and short and no sleeves too like vest tops and even vests. Resale shops are good for those because older clothes I just took apart of modified. I even have things painted with metal paints and clear sprayed to make cyberpunk or steampunk accessories.

“No….pretty much self taught actually.”

“Yeah I can’t do this kinda stuff it’d drive me nuts.”

“Well, I like having projects and stuff it’d be nice to sell this stuff though.”

“I can help with that.”

I look at Denny. “Really?”

“Yeah, I know some girls that’d dig this and there’s some I know that’d pay okay cash for custom work too.”

“I could make to order.”

We talk some more and we drink then about five of six beers in we order pizza from The Drake.

The Drake is one of the things I do love about town. It’s old and a bar/pub that’s out of the way in the industrial park and it has a stage, good parking and the place has been around forever because of the food.

We get the Dominican pizza which has this killer, just killer topping of ground pork that they cook off with chorizo sausage and there’s lots of peppers both sweet and hot, grilled onions and pepperoni plus they have this kind of sweet hinted sauce that’s a secret but so good and then there’s a drizzle of like sour cream under lots of cheese.

It’s spicy and greasy in the best of drunk ways plus this comes with like a side of mofongo fries which is like plantains cut like fries and deep fried and tossed with garlic salt or something and they come with this garlic dipping sauce made with mayo and sweetened condensed milk and well something strongly garlic.

It was great actually, the literal best connecting moment we ever had so far I think.

Denny looked over my web stuff too and ended up getting undressed and changing and modeling my stuff for my web page and then she looks at me.

“Alright, your turn.”

“My turn?”

“Modeling.”

“Uhm...Denny, I’m not a girl.”

“Yeah… And like you make this stuff and never thought of dressing up?”

“.............”

She looks at me. “Jack...it’s cool some of my custom fit friends are trans girls.”

“Trans girls? Really?”

“Yeah, some of the gaming girls in my group are trans. And they’re pretty nice people.”

“Yeah okay but I don’t know…” I’m blushing because...well this was really unexpected.

“How many female characters and npcs do you run.”

I’m blushing again.

“Yeah well.”

She pops the cap off another beer. “Yeah exactly.”

“Fuck.”

She laughed. “ Yep I’ll be right back.”

Denny left and I was buzzedly thinking about it all and she returned with some bags and a loot crate box full of make-up and she was grinning.

“I suppose you don’t remember me dressing you up when you were really little huh?”

“No but I seen the pictures.” Dammit mom.

“Alright let’s get started.”

I down my beer, which probably helped and I said. “Fuck it, bring it.”

She passes me razors and gel. “Shower time, let’s get you in the right headspace too.”

“Head space?”

“Feeling, smells, yeah there’s lots of folks that’ll cry bullshit about the femmy stuff and being a girl but hell I like being me, my friends like being themselves and yeah it helps, even for me there’s nothing like being smooth and smelling good. Now in the shower Jill.”

“Jill, really?”

She laughs. “Yeah really.”

I get in and shower using the puff and the wash she gives me and then advice in shaving which is good since I’ve only some idea and we go with shaving my pits but this hair removal stuff that’s a cream so I’m not messing with ingrown hairs.

Yeah that’s a good idea because those suck when I had them as a teen when I started shaving.

And then a recommended trim to the lower thatch.

“Uhm why?” I ask.

“Because you’re going to be wearing panties and that’s going to look like crap when you’re sporting a jungle.”

“Aaah okay yeah.”

Which led to more drinks and my first real landscaping down there.

Which had Denny bitching about guys that never did that, which kinda made sense. I mean it just kinda sounded gross and kind of entitled that guys don’t usually do that.

It wasn’t a shave but scissors and an embarrassing amount of hair after I was done honestly.

Shaving my face was easy, I’m blonde so it’s always been peach fuzzy most of the time.

Then there was lotion after everything was shaved and Denny passed me panties.

The point of no return.

I swallowed and then...then with the bulge and stuff she told me how to tuck.

It freaked me out, seriously finding that space and cavity...it even existing then carefully doing it then pushing my penis down and flat and pulling the panties backup and...snug.

Over smooth legs.

And snug.

The feeling was just….?

You know that first time you ever been thrilled or drunk or stoned and your brain somehow goes ping?

Snug pinged, that feeling, mood pinged like Denny said it would.

Denny nodded when I stepped out. “Looking good.”

“Uhm thanks?”

Her eyes widened. “Holy cheese your voice.”

“Oh, yeah well kinda slipped into character.”

“How many girl characters do you play?”

Blush.

She looks at me. “So...most right?”

“Yeah…” Blushing.

She’s smiling and nodding. “Yeah figured that plus the clothes you’ve made and costumes. I mean there’s into it and then there’s wanting to be into it.”

I grab a beer bottle off the bathroom counter. “Denny, what the fuck’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing Jill, absolutely nothing.” She says that with this hard kind of defensive tone. “Chill out girl, lets do this.”

I’m not sure who’s bottle I finished but I did and nodded and wobbly pushed off the bathroom counter.

After that the bra was just easy and the inserts.

Then there was make-up, then fixing my hair and then modeling clothes.

It was very much playing dress up to the next level and pictures and downloading them to my page.

And seeing Jill was freaky.

Really, really freaky but in a good way.

Even if I can’t really put a name to all the good.

I drank and stared at my online pictures all done up for a long time.

I passed out at some point and woke hung over and in bed with Denny.

No, no we didn’t but I woke up in my bra, inserts and panties, still tucked away and getting held by my sister.

Despite having to pee and being hungover it was another start of being the closest we’ve ever been.

I was so tempted to just stay there but unfortunately biology had other ideas.

I got up and got relieved and untucked, undressed and redressed in my guy clothes.

Like I said, it was the start of all things.

The pictures helped my sales, Denny’s friends made orders too and Denny and I hung out a lot even had her join in with the guys and our gaming a bit too.

I like my sister.

I actually like my sister as a person.

As my friend.

We got her moved into the house but she was spending more and more time in my apartment. We just hung out sometimes not partying or anything but just relaxing being friends.

Christmas was actually going to be pretty cool this year.

Like some families christmas was a thing that kind of got less magical as you grew up.

We had snow come which I usually hate but this year Denny and I made snowmen for decorations and froze them with spray bottles of hot water. We went all out with bbq charcoal buttons and stick arms and plastic hats from the dollar store.

Then there was making dad happy by doing the x-mas tree lights but Denny and I chipped in this year buying some new ones and we got a big bottle of pretty expensive rum and drank eggnog and rum-coffees while we decorated the house.

I even got the christmas trees and wreaths.

Billy Porter a guy from school gave me a deal because I bought two and two wreaths, on for mom and dad and one for my apartment.

Mom was over the moon because we were all getting along like never before too.

And my apartment got a christmas makeover for the first time.

We washed stuff down and I got rid of my old junk furniture and Denny and I bought some used stuff at the dollar store and at a resale shop and even Bertie’s smoke shop which was a pawn shop but had lots of stuff like furniture there.

So we moved in a new to me, better sofa, two end chairs and coffee table all in one set. Then we put together a couple of entertainment units that were all black finished and got all my electronics organized, cd’s, movies, books and games all along one wall and decorated the top with all my figurines, statues and odds and ends even plugging in my boxed lava lamp and eye of the storm.

Plus the tree and decorations putting up lights and we even bought some cheap picture frames and put up some mini-posters from my collection of Wizard magazines and Denny bought me a Nightmare before christmas poster that we framed too.

The clothes got busy too selling as christmas gifts and that’s when the second bump in my life started.

Denny came in after knocking and taking off her shoes. “Hey Jill, you able to come out and play?”

I hadn’t been since that night and I looked at Denny. “Uhm...why?”

“My trans friends well we were talking while on raid and they kind of want x-mas dresses.”

“Okay, but why the Jill bit?”

“Well they want custom made so measuring and stuff right?”

I nod. “Pretty much.”

“Well some of them will be a lot more comfortable with Jill thank Jack.”

“How many women?”

Denny beams at me. “Good on the pronouns, uhm four but one does drag so things might get spread to the other girls in their club.”

Yeah it wasn’t that hard for me...I wanted to. “Okay, but I have to buy stuff.”

“Partners?” She offered.

“Kinda gotta, all the stuff so far tapped me out.”

So we went shopping again.

To a fabric and sewing place, then a clothing liquidation place where we got some good deals too and resale shops where we bought clothes we could alter...I could alter or fix up. Plus….Plus we bought for me.

For Jill, some clothes, new underwear, stockings, socks, thigh socks and a lot of stuff to girl up on her credit cards and then we bought groceries.

It took a day or two to get them organized to come over and everything which gave me time to get better at being Jill. Two days of smooth and snug, panties and bras and sexier ones and all this stuff like make-up and hair.

But it was two days also of hanging with Denny watching movies and cuddled on the new couch and just this deeper connection.

God I was lonely for something deeper.

Even just sister snuggling on the couch as we watched movies, even crying over some parts.

Which just sort of happened and I just sort of went with, I was too tired inside to fight off crying.

Denny’s non-judging support and empathy was nice.

And I made things.

I mean between work and everything else I was making x-mas stuff with red velvet berets with a white fur puff, purses that I redecorate with printed christmas fabrics and make some regular ones, big shoulder shopping bags and even little clutch purses, skirts and stretch cloth faux fur trimmed tube-tops and a few other things.

Then it was time and Astrid, Jeanette, Terri and Nikki came over.

Nervous, heck yeah.

Only Denny had seen Jill so yeah I was likely as nervous as they were.

I was dressed in lacy red cheeky panties and matching bra and then a small red dress with faux white fur trim at the bodice and hem, thigh high stockings and flats.

Part of me was scared but part of me was beside myself with all these feelings. I liked this, liked the way this all felt, liked how much it felt so oddly sort of right.

But we got my place ready and put on some christmas music and made mulled wine in a slow cooker with a pint of vodka with some plum jam and a few figs then some spices and a veggie dip platter, a cheese plate and then Denny made some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls.

And then they were here.

It turned out to be a party after the first few drinks loosening things up and the girls were fun, a mixed bag of folks but fun and geeky in this kinda wonderful geekette way.

They stripped and we measured and this was my first exposure to trans women that have had been taking hormones and had some curve, soft skin, and everything that comes with all of that.

Sure, there were definitely things that you could tell but honestly if you really didn’t care about some things it didn’t matter. They were women and beautiful...turns out that I didn’t care about the small things.

And Astrid.

Wow.

She was a black girl with willowy hair and flawless make up and just really pretty and I’d know black folks but never spent time with them a whole lot, like not socially.

We all had a good time and we were done when Astrid says. “I think I had too much to drink, maybe I shouldn’t drive.”

She was looking at me in this way.

My mouth dry and nervous. “You could stay?”

Denny laughed. “Girls that’s our cue to go.”

Oh, okay then.

All of them left except Astrid who came over and she was blushing. “I hope I’m not being a freak by being too forward Jill but I noticed you noticing me.”

“I couldn’t help it, you’re beautiful.”

She blush smiles and ducks her head some and I was trying to find something else to say when she kissed me.

Touching the edge of my chin, just so lightly then kissing me soft and sweetly. then we were touching, soft, gentle, teasing and exploring.

Nothing like I’ve ever done before.

And we slow danced to Have yourself a merry little christmas.

The her hand went up my dress slowly and down my panties and carefully pulled me free.

I was aroused to being harder than ever really fast.

I manage to get out. “We should go to the bedroom.”

Astrid smiled and kissed me. “Romantic.”

“I want to be with you right, no just a hookup on the couch.”

“Thanks Jill that’s actually really sweet.”

I sort of lead the way walking backwards and we get to my room and the edge of the bed and kissing again. Then the soft touching, and more kissing and there’s a little zip and my dress slips off leaving me in my underwear.

Astrid smiles. “Wow, just, just really sexy Jill.”

I smile but get the blushing too. It feels good especially when it’s said sweetly and honestly.

I’ve never really gotten that before.

Astrid gives me a last kiss then she drops her dress too revealing a lacy very close to mine set of underwear and she sank to the floor following it and took a condom from her purse. I was shaking as she put it on and she took me into her mouth.

I’ve had a few blowjobs before but they were few and far between.

Astrid was so much more, so much better, so different. There was so much eye contact, smiles with sweetly painted puckered lips and more touches. Fingers on my legs, tracing through my stockings, playing with the band and just more...edging, bring me to the point of near cumming over and over again until when I came my legs were shaking and I cried out her name. “Oh...Astrid!”

She kept her mouth going and eased me onto the bed and then kept going until I was getting stiff again and she slip up onto the bed and brought her purse with me.

We kissed and necked for a little while then she straddled me and took off her bra revealing lovely breasts with thick pokey nipples and I sat up and kissed her, kissed them and suckled them until she squirmed.

“I want you Jill, I want you inside me.”

“Yes, please yes Astrid, I want to be inside you, I want to make love to you.”

She stood on her knees and took her panties off revealing her cock or cockette, it was surprisingly small? It was cute and she was hairless down there.

It was another condom and lube next as she applied it to herself and to me and I was paying long attention to her breasts making her moan, whine make these sexy little sounds then she guided me inside her.

I’ve never had anal before and Astrid was tight but slick from the lube, she groaned like it was sooo good and moaned and I felt our bodies meet and her body working itself along my length as it was inside her.

We got to messy kissing then and my first french kissing too and then we roll over and I’m on top. I’m more familiar with this but it’s still different, but it’s the partner, and me...I’m still dressed, still Jill and it’s making the difference.

It’s the most sex I’ve had ever, legs around my waist, then up over my shoulders with me kissing her legs, her thighs, just pleasing or trying to please her skin.

Then Astrid comes a thin little spurt, then after we keep going and before I cum she cums again? No juices but this inside out body shiver and all the sounds and her doing that got me off.

I bury my face in her breasts...take a nipple and suckle hard and she pulls my head in as she and I roll hips.

Then we end up kissing and smiling then I go down on her.

It’s crossing a line, but I literally didn’t care and with a condom it seemed like less of a line with that especially as she moaned and squirmed and called my name. “Jill, Jill oh goddess Jill yes, please yes...more...more lips baby, more…”

She cums just a little but she’s really vocal when she does and I come up and we kiss more, neck and cuddle. She gives me this sweet smile. “That was amazing Jill.”

I nod. “You’re amazing, god...or goddess you’re beautiful.”

She blush smiles and we kiss and cuddle as we fall asleep.

It was 2:43 AM when I come awake with Astrid’s hands on my hardness and she’s slipped down?

“Astrid?”

“I used your bathroom and came back and you were apparently having an interesting dream.”

She pulls a condom over me.

I’ve never had sex in the middle of the night, well not like this, not when it’s waking up in the middle of the night to sex.

I wasn’t expecting it, or her mouth or her fingers within another condom and lube.

I’d be lying, contributing to like a myth if I said it hurt.

It was different, it was something that folks always railed against it had loads of negativeness against it, it was even scary until her fingers found my prostate, my spot.

And touched, probed, rubbed until I cried out as this electric jolt went through me as she started touching me just right.

This jolt from deep inside running through me from top to bottom and trying to get out through my cock.

It just got better and better, her fingers finding more sensitive places in me and more as her hand moved until she was literally finger fucking me making me pant, gasp, whine until I came.

And she kept going, more and more until the feeling was just there, just that instead of my cock and this and I orgasmed.

I came, but didn’t, like that jolt became this bang that made me vibrate inside, pleasure flooding my brain as Astrid took me to a new place that I never had been.

I was panting so hard as she pulled out and she cleaned things off and we snuggled and went back to sleep.

I slept more than ever and she was gone when I woke and she left french toast she made in my oven and a pot of coffee and a sweet note.

“Jill, you were amazing, you’re such a sweet and amazing woman. TY for letting me stay over, TY for everything last night. xoxo Astrid.”

Okay that was nice, really nice and it makes me feel good.

I’m eating and rereading that and then go and get cleaned up.

I use the body wash that’s peach scented.

I reflect on the night and I head out to my bedroom and peal off the sheets and get them in the wash then make the bed and get dressed...Big t-shirt, sweats and...I tuck and slip into my panties.

Goddess I’m going there...here?

I get a coffee and sit at my computer and look up trans women.

There’s a lot, a lot of porn, a huge amount of porn and stories but there’s other stuff, serious stuff too.

I balance my sewing for my orders for the christmas stuff with reading up until Denny shows up looking all smiles. I smile back letting her in, she takes one look at me. “Whoa...laid and still Jill?”

“Yeah, sorta.”

“So you got pegged last night?”

“Pegged?”

“Fucked.”

“Denny! Jeeze!” I’m blushing.

“Is that a yes?”

“Maybe...does getting fingered count?”

“Between girls it does. What you didn’t….”

“She couldn’t it was really small.”

“Oh...wow, I guess that happens sometimes.”

I blush and shrug.

She comes in and gets a coffee and she looks at my stuff and then the computer.

“Trans stuff, you think you might be?”

“Kind of...I don’t know Denny, stuff about this stuff just sort of feels right.”

“And the sex?”

I blush and shrug again. “It was fun, I was surprised by it but it was a great night.”

“Even getting fingered?”

“Dennnnny...c’mon.”

“Hey we’re sisters we can talk about this stuff.”

I get another coffee and we sit and we talk about it, about the sex and what I did and what Astrid did to me and other stuff.

And it was a kind of serious talk too….all about sex and trans girls or maybe girls that’d get me being like this and even guys. I even admit I don’t know what real sexuality Jill is what I’d have reflexively said no to is kind of carefully neutral. That I’d likely suck a guy that I was interested in if there were condoms.

A little TMI Denny admits she likes sucking a cock she likes. It does depend on the guy a lot.

She’s never done anal but she’s read a lot of porn and she heard of that trans girl orgasm thing that I had and that Astrid had.

And that leads to talking as we work on the porn sort of stuff on the trans things and what looks good, bad, skeevy, and what Denny likes in a guy and in girls and trans women.

Turns out she’s Bisexual or Pansexual which I didn’t know and she has a perspective on all of this I never got to hear before.

It’s a whole new world that comes with that female perspective of those kinds of relationships.

We get a lot done by lunch and take a break to go do some errands for mom.

Denny looks at me. “Get dressed Jill, we can do these over in Cottonville.”

I… “I’m not sure.”

“Well you won’t be alone sis and we’re not going to be here. You need a test run.”

I finish my coffee and nod. “Okay, I think okay.”

I go get changed going with a spray of deodorant and jeans and a batwoman tee shirt that looks good on me then Denny helps me with my hair and make-up and we leave.

Denny’s car’s better than mine by a lot, it’s a lease but it’s a Prius and just really good and clean and good on gas.

It’s about a forty minute drive and when we get there it’s mostly running around for presents she wants for cousins and other relatives and baking supplies and she gave Denny money for other things like for other cooking and it’s all sort of anti-climatic.

Folks don’t really notice, I mean I’m not stunning or anything but I don’t get stopped or swore at or called out.

I get a few comments on my tee shirt from other girls and we kinda geek out with things because they love the shirt and some don’t know about Batwoman or the fact she’s a lesbian which flips some out a little but two of them tell us about a hobby shop in town here and after we get some sushi for lunch which was pretty good and a treat that I don’t get often as we don’t have a place in town but we do have a couple of decent Chinese places and a new Korean one that’s really good and great value.

Denny and I caused the typical stir at the hobby place called The Giant’s Toe.

Obviously called “The Toe.”

We were getting a lot of stares especially me with my shirt and I seen looks like some of the guys were building up courage to challenge my geek credentials. Then I gave this late teen turd a look and asked? “Can I help you find something?”

He looked taken aback. “I...I was going to offer the same thing. I know a lot about this stuff.”

“Yeah so do I, we’re good kiddo.”

“I’m not a kid.”

“And we’re not newbs, thanks but we’re good.”

He backs off staring looking like he was still trying to find something to say. I sigh and look to Denny. “Wow pushier than a deevil.”

She laughed. “Lucky you didn’t go Pookie on his butt.”

I love the fact Denny got the reference to the Myth books.

Robert Asprin made this really amazing funny series right up there with the Xanth books.

Teen douche-boy backs off after that looking shaken.

He’s getting a razzing from his friends and we end up getting a stack of things each. Me mostly the used comics from the white boxes and because the price wasn’t bad I bought some white boxes myself.

Denny bought more but it was like shirts and dice and some Star Wars titles and I so could have bought more but I’ve spent a good chunk of the money from last night.

Then we did a little window shopping then home.

I didn’t even think when we carried the stuff into the house and mom stopped and looked at me. “Jack!?”

Oh shit.

“Uhm…”

She staring and then she looks me over then call out. “Derek you might want to come out here!?”

That’d be my dad who comes in the book he was reading still in his hand and he did that look, double take and raises his glasses.

“Well there’s the other shoe.”

“What?” I’m confused he’s not mad, she’s not mad, they don’t look mad.

Mom’s nodding. “Thank god right?”

Denny and both of us say. “What?”

Mom sniggers. “Well you two never used to be close, now you’re joined at the hip?”

Dad finishes. “We...well we were a little scared you two were sleeping together.”

We both shout. “Eeeew, no!”

We even do the shiver shudders.

I look at them both. “So this doesn’t freak you out?”

Mom shrugs. “We sort of knew, the sewing, the relationship stuff so much like your sister.”

Denny blinks shocked. “What?”

Dad looks at her. “Amanda Green came over looking for you after she came out.”

Denny has this look on her face. “Oh…”

I kind of remember Amanda Green she was really pretty. I look at Denny and she says. “Tell you later.”

I hug myself and look at my parents. “Are you okay with this?”

Mom nods. “You’re cute, a little tomboyish but cute.”

I blush. “Mom.”

Dad says. “Whatever you both are going through we’ll support you both.”

We actually have a big family hug at that and there’s this weight too that lifts off me, Denny too, I didn’t know she was in the closet but I get that closets suck.

I kind of shouldn’t be surprised, our folks are pretty okay with most folks and mom’s folks are hippies and dad’s were strict enough he grew up to hate all that hard ass kind of stuff.

But this was so different, it was like we were decompressing like never before and Denny and I stayed and and we helped mom cook and bake. I’ve never done it and I’m learning a lot more than I knew past what I knew before and Denny just helps but mostly snacks.

All the classics that mom liked to make. Fruitcake with a dark, dark heavy cake and molasses and fruits and gingerbread cookies and sugar cookies and shortbread. Shortbread are harder than I thought, really easy to mess up.

We even help dad, out in the backyard with him smearing cure right over pork bellies we picked up and smoking them with apple chips really slowly.

Dad makes christmas bacon some for us but some for family, with brown sugar, pepper, mace, cumin and fennel pollen and orange zest. It’s something really good but one of those small doses kind of things.

It’s the first time I joined him as Jill, and Denny’s never joined us before and we get things going and dad shows her how to get the smoker started and going the way we want it to go and while it’s going he’s firing up the bbq to cook the lamb we bought and there’s a pan for the drippings that has chestnuts to roast in there.

Both are traditions.

And so is dad taking out his whisky collection from the den and we drink and try different kinds in half shots and we smoke cigars.

Another thing that we only did at christmas but Denny joined us this time and we were out back in the heat and the smoke having drinks and cigars.

I think it meant a lot to Denny, there’s stuff she’d been holding in, holding back and wanting I think. I can see it in her eyes as we just sort of have this thing with dad as the three of us for the first time.

Denny and I share the cigar actually and mom even comes out taking a quick break from wrapping presents to have a drink of bourbon and dad pours another for her to take with her.

Supper was awesome and we listened to christmas music and wrapped presents to the extended family.

Everything was awesome and they didn’t really mess up with Jill though they though that was funny. Not that I’m using that as a name but the Jack and Jill thing. And we talk, we talk about family and who’s queer and all and I never thought about all of those relatives and cousins that much I mean I knew but it wasn’t that important to me. We talk about how I’m not sure about this really and that whatever I decided was okay.

They came to terms with things when Denny was outed without knowing it. They tell us that they figured that things were hard enough with Denny and I bouncing through life. We both kind of get told that all of this stuff weighing on us they think held us back with stable relationships even fitting in.

Denny agrees saying. “I was so not me in high school, I can see that more now and yeah, likely my sexuality’s all tied in there.”

Apparently I was going to be called Diana if I had been born a girl.

We talk a lot about that and it takes comments and conversation between mom and Denny about guys, mostly celebrities they find are attractive before I can open up enough to admit that some guys are attractive.

Though I’m not good at the actors and celebs being guys that I might, might be into.

Keanu Reeves is a maybe, Charlie Cox from Daredevil, and very yes for me is Charlie Hunnam. Yeah the blonde guy main character actor from Sons of Anarchy.

And Denny brings up Travis Fimmel the guy that plays Ragnar Lodbrok from Vikings and yeah I agree, the edge he has on the show and those eyes.

That admission, those admissions were sort of like turning another page inside somewhere I guess.

Dad vacated to the back yard and his den to avoid this conversation.

Which was kind of funny.

Mom was all generational but was stuff like Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, Denzel Washington, Josh Brolin.

I hadn’t spent that much time in the house in years.

I ended the night with a bubble bath and going to sleep in panties untucked but still, I went to bed as Jill.

It became the norm too at least for the week, well norm’s a relative thing as mom kept literally bringing me clothes she bought and some things were great and some were stuff I could work with.

I was Jack at work but once I got home, it was shaving, showering the day off and getting changed and sewing, hanging with Denny as we get the christmas dresses done by the end of the week and we make calls around and say we’ll deliver them and when Friday night came around we got dressed up and headed out.

And I got a haircut.

Not that my hair was long but Denny cut it having cut hair in college and she gave me this really cute pixie cut and added a bit of lighter blonde and silvery colors into my hair. A good make-up job and a Mrs. Claus sexy dress and black bra and panties and fishnets even with a garter belt.

It’s such a sign to me that I like looking like this, like the whole garter belt set up and the way it feels.

I borrow boots from Denny as we’re both a women’s twelve and we go out with a few treats for her friends and the stuff that we made.

We do the deliveries first and they’re all thrilled to get the dresses and I almost feel bad for the cost but Denny held firm with cost of getting things but actually valuing my labor.

They’re really thrilled and happy since they’re custom made to fit their bodies and they look amazing in them.

We take pictures of them and with them and leave them with cookies and some little treats bags we did up like those red christmas stockings with things like actual stockings, panty hose, a pack of Dove soaps, random candies from quality street and of course a christmas orange.

Mom’s folks always got these huge oranges from Florida every year for our stockings as kids and they still do but mom and dad carried it out in what we’d bring to other family.

Except dad’s folks. They’re passed away a long time ago but we still never went there, we don’t have much to do with his family because they’re really not close. It’s like they all stayed away from each other only to show up at funerals.

Most of the girls had pretty okay places like renting or trailers except for Jeanette. Astrid was in an okayish apartment and she had company over so we didn’t stay too long and she gave me some shy smiles while we were there and a sweet lingering kiss goodbye.

It was Jeanette who had an older bungalow style house. She had folks over for christmas festivities and had music and a spread set out and there was dancing and laughter going on when we got there. So when invited we stayed for a while had some of the dry-nog, some food, really good stuff all looking like it was catered and delivered and we said we’d try and be back.

Then we left to take things around to her friends which was scary meeting new people as Jill but fun.

Some of them twigged to who I used to be as Denny had told them about having a geeky little brother and still they were all cool about it.

And I never knew this many geekettes were out there. Seriously they kinda just keep to their own and they had some great collections and her friend Amy was actually running a Shadowrun game when we stopped over at her apartment.

Not one was rude or bitchy or treated me like I wasn’t one of them.

It felt good, really good and I got numbers too and e-mails, friended them to my Facebook.

Which led to...led to me coming out and posting pictures.

I didn’t mean to come out.

Well I did.

I mean it was such a good night and I was feeling...me...just so me that it all just clicked.

So I came out with a long post and a bunch of selfies and some pictures that Denny took for me and that was that.

My friends, my guys ended up blowing up my phone with comments and a lot of WTF’s.

Greg and Davis took a bad freak out and unfriended me and John who was my closest friend was posting likes and even a few nice comments. He posted on my wall. “About time Jill, like seriously.”

I posted back. “Scared as fuck, thanks for not freaking out.”

We chatted a bit and he said he’d be over sometime to really talk and stuff and after that there was too much incoming as it went viral on my page.

I just had to turn off my phone at that point.

Denny clued in and we went back to Jeanette’s party where I got drinking and sitting with some of her other trans and queer friends. I’m not trying to use queer as a bad word just there were folks there from all over the whole LGBT community.

We talked a lot about coming out, broken up with dancing, food and even some board games.

And more dancing.

Which was sort of hard for me, I had to learn since I only ever slow danced having never had the guts to dance like to rock and pop stuff in school.

Being Jill was...easier?

Not easier but yeah, there was no reason like the guy reasons to hold back, even getting embarrassed was okay, or more okay then as Jack.

And dancing with guys was...different.

Some were gay, some were straight or in between and there was flirting too which had me blushing a lot and laughing as it was all in fun.

I met a gay guy named Chris who didn’t mind trans women so he was kind of Bi.

We danced a lot and he was pretty good looking, handsome and well put together and in good shape. That was odd to notice, odd to feel his pretty hard body under my fingers and really odd to feel his hardness when we danced a few slow songs.

We didn’t do anything except a couple of kisses but I did get his number and he got mine. I did find out things though.

I like male hands on my, the way he held me as we danced, I liked kissing him, so likely liked kissing guys. I liked the whole experience all taking my head well and past the point of just maybe.

Denny and I got home late and she crashed with me rather than waking up mom and dad.

The doorbell woke me at around ten in the morning and I walked out half staggered to see who it was and peeked through the shade.

John.

John with tray of coffee from McDonalds and a couple of bakery boxes and flowers.

Flowers?

Well I mean it’s that flower cone of wrapped paper.

I open the door a little. “I’m not dressed, give me a minute?”

He holds the stuff up a little. “Hello, cold out.”

I sigh and open the door blushing because I’m still in my underthings. (Sigh) “Okay come in.”

He comes in and passes me the flowers. “For you.”

“I...Uhm...thanks...but flowers?”

“What you don’t like flowers?”

“I have no idea, but why?”

“Trans-warming gift.”

“Huh?” I’m not feeling too swift… “Can I have a coffee? I’m not awake yet...trans-warming?”

He passes me a coffee and has that goofy grin of his. “Well yeah coming out should come with stuff like a birthday, I mean it’s gotta be hard as fuck right so do something decent.”

I drink and nod even smile some and then I realize again that I’m in my bra and panties and the garter belt and fishnets that are now after sleeping in them a little torn up.

And he’s staring at me, up and down taking me all in, which makes me blush even more.

“Uhm...Johnny you’re staring.”

“Johnny? Okay I’ll let you get away with that now. I was just thinking you’re pretty cute as a girl.”

“What?”

He says it slower. “You’re...kinda...cute…”

I glare and give him the finger. “I know what you said but why are you saying it about me?”

“Uhm...because it’s true, I don’t know Jill it’s something different coming out or going on but it’s way noticeable even if I can’t like put it to words.”

I nod and he’s taking his boots off and he’s just. he’s still just the same no matter what just happened with me coming out.

Goofy, kinda still out there, the guy that thought of grabbing the stuff from the old wrecked store. I mean that’s John, Johnny just like this trans-warming thing.

I take the things he was carrying before he falls down and I smell fresh croissants. He got that habit from a year up in Quebec where he worked on a hotel. Coffee and croissants, I even got to admit it’s nice especially when their fresh.

“I know what you’re talking about, I’m the one going through this. I have all this I have no idea but it feels right, feels more like me than I knew I could get to.”

We carry things to my kitchenette table and I turn and hug him. “Thank Johnny.”

He hugs me back. “No problem Jill.”

I open the flowers carefully to save the paper and I want to because they’re my first flowers and I gasp because their a full bouquet of yellow roses.

“Wow...They’re beautiful Johnny, but they’re so expensive.”

“Yeah well I gotta guy, besides they’re supposed to be for friendship and new beginnings according to stuff I looked at online.”

“Well they’re beautiful.”

He open his coffee adding in sugar and he smiles. “You’re my friend Jill, my best friend and I’m not the easiest guy to be friends with and this isn’t the easiest thing for you. I just wanted you to have something to smile about.”

He looks concerned sort of.

I look at my computer. “Bad?”

“Yeah kinda bad.”

I sigh. “It just happened, last night was me being me and out with Denny and people she knew and they were all so nice and cool we took pictures and had fun and before I knew it I posted things up and then it was just fessing up instead of deleting the stuff that I posted.”

Johnny nods opening the boxes. “You looked the bomb honestly, and you looked happy. Fuck Jill I’ve really barely ever seen you have a full ear to ear smile like that. You’re my best friend I’m never going to begrudge you being happy.”

Wow...part of me really wants to kiss him for saying that...maybe more.

And I’m so not going there, he’s my best friend and besides the potential disaster would likely break my heart after this.

I do go over and hug him.

He hugs me back.

“Jill…”

“Yeah…?”

“You really need to get dressed you’re giving me a boner.”

I step back and look at him and he’s got that John/Johnny goofing grin and I roll my eyes. “Dork….yeah I’ll be back.” I grab a coffee off the tray and bring it into Denny who does the sleepy groan and takes it.

“Johnny’s here.”

“Nnngh...who?”

“John Blake.”

“Oh...he knows obviously.” She waving her hand at me.

“Yeah and he’s still really good about it, he’s been really awesome about it.”

She sips and slowly starts moving and I go shower. At some point Denny and I at least got out make-up off before crashing and I suds up good and get clean, lotioned and deodorized and even get some make-up on. Just the basics, a little foundation and then my eyes with a little shadow and liner but just a little and then I’m in track pants and new underwear and toss on one of my Spiderman fan tees.

I need more clothes, hell I need so much honestly I’m kind of starting over.

By the time I’m out Denny’s up and in her long nightshirt in Joker purple pinstripe she got at “The Toe” and she’s talking to Johnny while smelling my roses and she found a pitcher to put them in since I don’t own a vase.

Johnny gives me a thumbs up and a grin and I smile back. “Thanks.” I take the last coffee in the tray and heat it in the microwave and turn on my computer and go to my Facebook. “Well time to face the firing squad.”

Yeah it was bad.

99+ notes and most of them bad to horrible from folks I used to have as friends.

Used to have as of last night, some I can shrug off as folks far from me and never really knew me just online and in geek groups and then there were haters from high school that heard through second and third parties and took great delight in calling me names and just being assholes.

My block got a lot of use.

Honestly I’d be in tears if it wasn’t for Denny and Johnny.

Though there were good things too. People from last night friending me and even some on threads defending me.

And there were a few I knew it’s, some folks saying cool, some others coming out to me or letting me know that they had come out.

James McArthur on of my bullies from junior high congratulated me on coming out and friended me and said I looked like I was having fun from my pictures. I friended him back and thanked him and he even apologized for being a dickhead back then. His words not mine.

It was definitely a roller coaster of a day and I changed a lot of stuff on my Facebook profile and Denny went out for awhile coming back changed and still hung out.

Johnny stayed too as moral support and read some of my things I got from “The Toe” and he put together my white boxes as I took breaks from the social media hell.

It was the same but different.

Good different still and it meant a lot he came here and showed such solidarity with me.

Though our gaming group broke up.

Hell with that though since it was getting less fun and less frequent, and I was tired of just being the host all the time too.

Johnny left about six that night and I hugged him as he was leaving.

“Thanks Johnny, seriously, just thanks.”

He hugged me back. “You’re my friend and I love you. It’s literally not a problem.”

Okay that just made me happy cry on him.

“Jeeze Jill, you’re crying now, how are you going to be when you get on hormones?”

I swat his shoulder. “Happy hopefully?”

He kisses my cheek. “Good, I look forward to seeing it.”

I watch him go with a lot of mixed feelings and hugging myself after a really rough day.

Denny comes over and she hugs me. “That’s a better guy than I thought he was.”

I soggy nod. “Johnny’s like that, never too serious, but a nicer person than he thinks he is.”

“You’re kinda into him?”

“Dennnnnny….!” I whine.

“What, if a guy I knew was that sweet to stick around and bring flowers and food and coffee I’d be on my knees sucking that dick and locking him in as my boyfriend.”

“Denny Jeezus, TMI!” I’m bright red though.

“What? I would, that kind of guy is rarer than hell.”

“Johnny’s my friend, my friend what if it goes sideways…?”

She looks at me and sighs. “Yeah...okay maybe I’m a little quick on the draw with the sex thing.”

We hug again and head to the couch and end up watching movies until midnight all the sort of sweet and sappy romantic stuff that I usually avoided and we have order in chinese and eat and cry, laugh and just...just be sisters and friends.

She goes back to mom and dads after that and I’m left alone for the night.

And I really, really feel alone too...even with all the good today and tonight hurt.

Alone tonight, wasn’t good and it really sucked once I was alone and I ended up curling up in bed and crying. Really hard too...pillow hugging and bawling kind of crying….crying so hard the gasping sobs kick in until my ribs hurt.

I have no idea when I fell/cried myself to sleep.

And Denny woke me up around lunch coming in and crawling into bed with me still chilly hands waking me up.

“Rough night?”

I sniffle and nod.

“I’m here, gotcha sis.”

I roll over and hugged her and sobbed into her shoulder.

Yeah, Sunday...Sunday was just, recovery.

My life literally felt like a car wreck where I’m in a skid and hit the curb and I’m in this whole emotional roll-over.

It’s like just getting here, finding the other side broke my brakes or something.

Denny’s really cool though and she stays.

Mom and dad check in and were worried and god bless mom because she made chicken stew which is always good and biscuits, just sheer comfort food and they even stuck around for a movie with dad cooking dessert.

He dad cooks so it’s apple pie with bacon fat, lard and butter crust and apples partly cooked up and pie filling and because it’s dad some bourbon, and there was ice cream and hot chocolate of course as we watched Princess Bride all together.

Dad does this really credible Peter Falk, I mean it’s an old classic that him and mom bought for us on VHS, and a movie that we all like.

There was something that was warmly and silently stitching my heart together as I was cuddled with Denny and mom in comforters on my couch.

I don’t think I ever hugged my parents this hard in my life when they decided to go home.

I don’t think they ever hugged me back as hard either.

Denny was really awesome and stayed and run my a bubble bath and with mom and dad gone we crashed after she had a bath too.

I really wasn’t ready for Monday to come around like as fast as it did and the week before christmas I went into work and Ralph my boss calls me in and gives me my walking papers.

“I’m getting cut? I’ve been with you for years.”

“I know and you’ve been a good kid it’s just with this stuff you’re doing I’ve had calls and folks have dropped orders. Look Jack I have guys here with wives and kids and families, I have to let you go.”

“Shortage of work.”

He looks at me. “What?”

“Put down shortage of work, or we’re going to court.”

Ralph stood up and roared at me. “Are you fucking threatening me!”

I yell back. “Yes, yes I fucking am or this’ll be a court thing, you just lost your balls because of a bunch of fucking bigots! you think I’m just going to get fired because some people think they have a fucking say in my life!”

We stare off for at least five minutes and I might have my new haircut and color but I’m still not in transition yet.

Ralph glares at me really, really hard. “I ought to beat your faggot ass.”

“Yeah well we can do that, I have a dress in my car and I’ll go and put it on so afterwards I can take selfies with your lazy bloated ass.”

Just like most bullies he backs down when you get in their face and they don’t have back-up.

He signs “Shortage of work” on my papers. “Get the fuck out you little pansy and don’t ever come back here, don’t even make an order.”

I leave and yeah this’ll get around there’s people that should be doing things drinking coffee and had been watching the whole show and there’s a lot of whispers as I leave.

I’m pissed off and hurt and pissed off some more….I’m crying too as I head from there to the unemployment office.

I know, I know I could have fought this but who wants to work for an asshole like that and I honestly couldn’t mentally afford to go through the courtroom stuff over this either I mean it too.

So instead of working my last week before the holidays I spent it at the unemployment office waiting in line and getting my claim started at least.

Which was shitty and hard and the only reason I wasn’t more stressed and freaking out was there were other folks there too. Enough folks having to do the exact same thing as me that I just felt like...like I still had home and mom and dad and Denny, someone here might not be so lucky.

Then I stopped by the Fedex place and got shipping boxes and things for my business at home and then I just drove around. I know that I shouldn’t have with the cost of gas and everything but I was just hurting and angry and I drove and listened to music too loud and cried.

Eventually I went home and instead of just going into my apartment I went inside the house and talked to mom and dad.

That actually helped.

They owned the house and the garage so dad said rent wasn’t a problem just when I could I would pay my own bills like internet and cable and that things weren’t going to be too bad with Denny in and paying room and board.

Yes we both pay, in our house once you were out of school and working you paid or you helped out with things in chores and other stuff. Dad had a whole sliding scale and things but yeah Denny and I were paying to live at home five hundred a month which was for heat and lights included was pretty damned good compared to more than that in most other places.

I’ve no idea what Denny was paying since she was living in the house.

But it was a pretty big relief knowing that it was okay.

None of us were happy about it and we knew that there might be some fallout over me coming out and all. Thankfully mom and dad were both pretty philosophical about all of it.

Dad poured me a bourbon as he got me to help shell roasted chestnuts with him and I sipped at it and helped. Dad grew up with his grandfather doing this stuff and his parents not, hell I’m nowhere near an expert in psychological stuff but dad’s always come across as determined not to be like his folks.

He looks at me. “So how’s that clothing business going?”

I smile a little. “It’s okay I’m kind of afraid things might drop out from under me. There’s kind of a big amount of competition in this. But I’ve made some money so far with it.”

“Denny said that people were pleased with what you made.”

“They were which is really cool but I won’t have christmas to fall back on all the time.”

“No you won’t but people will want costumes for lots of things and you could expand on that and things like those conventions I used to haul you and your friends to.”

I look at him. “You think I should go for it?”

“Nothing ventured kiddo. Like I said don’t worry about the rent right now try it and see plus transition and all of that stuff is not going to be easy or cheap. Save your money for trying this out and for facing what comes.”

I finish my drink and eat a couple of the peeled chestnuts. Not everyone likes them but these are roasted and done and I like then in small doses before dad’s done with them or mom. Dad uses them in stuffing or he makes this pan roasted version of them with butter, sugar and amaretto and those get rolled in dark melted chocolate. Mom puts them in stuffing for the duck she makes for christmas that we take to Aunt Audrey’s place as their present.

We talk more too, we talk about some of the other things that I’m thinking about trying and it takes some explaining what steampunk is or cyberpunk things are and then there’s some stuff that he does get with cosplay and LARP and costuming for fandoms.

I stay for supper and Denny’s out working and things and again after supper it’s helping mom when she’s still doing christmas cooking. She gives me this vintage dress with a tight holly, berries and mistletoe print on red that is short sleeved and really like one of those 1950’s old school print dresses and I go and get changed, I get showered and changed and even do my make-up just because it made me feel better.

I feel pretty and it’s not just like a girl thing doing this with mom but there’s this kind of cool vintage thing we’re doing and it’s like getting to know mom on a whole other level too as she seen me and got done up nice too just for messing around in the kitchen and she takes it to a whole other level by turning on the kitchen radio to this old rock station that’s playing some christmas tunes too and she puts on a pot of really good coffee for us and gets out a bottle of Southern Comfort.

It’s sweet enough to be the sugar in the coffee.

I know what she does sounds like a lot of work and it is like seriously but mom’s family that was the gifts. Hippy parents meant that you made presents and cooking was totally allowed so that kinda just became part of who we are. We make all this stuff from baking to cooking and preserves and just everything and we take it and the presents around before christmas to all of the relatives within driving distance and we exchange presents.

I’m making a list myself if things for my own list of cousins and aunts and uncles as we’re making mincemeat for tarts and pies but mom will jar some of it too and give the jars out as gifts.

It’s old school too with actual meat and fat in it all as she cooks it up and it’s green tomatoes and oranges and peelings and onion too but raisins and she’ll put in a little celery and rosemary too and then the spices and cook all of it down and then it goes into the food processor for a rough chop and then we jar it and boil it off in mason jars. Like a lot of preserves it’s the pectin that keeps it and the canning seal.

And well the fresh stuff that we don’t can for presents goes into tarts and pies.

Apple jelly from frozen and now thawed crab apples that they picked over the summer and fall, that gets made and we do a version that’s heavy with cranberries that the relatives like to have instead of the canned stuff and we do one with fire roasted red peppers and we cheat and use the ones from the jar but we also put hot red chilies in it and dried chili flakes to make red pepper jelly.

I’m learning lots and it’s lots of fun. Seriously it’s fun being moms new daughter that doesn’t grip about doing this stuff and it’s fun in a whole other way being a grown woman and getting to know your mother as a grown woman too as you cooked and listened to music and drank spiked coffee.

And as a big old FU to the haters we took pictures and selfies together and I posted them up onto my Facebook and mom even puts them up on hers.

Denny comes home and she watches and she goes and hangs with dad over hanging with us in the kitchen for awhile. She does come in once he’s watching the hockey game with sports really not being her thing.

She just has some Southern Comfort and skips the coffee and smiles at me taking a card from her purse and passes it to me.

“What’s this?”

“I pulled some strings with my boss and got you a referral to go and see a gender therapist to get you started before they’re gone away for christmas.”

I blink, that was fast. “That’s pretty fast.”

Denny shrugs. “It takes while to get in Jill, there’s not too many around so there’s like a waiting list.”

I nod. “This...this was really cool, thanks Denny.”

And I mean it even though I’m scared of going and hearing their opinions and diagnosis and all of that stuff it just seems really fast.

Denny looks at me. “You okay? You seem a little shook?”

“It’s okay just fast.”

Mom says. “Given everything Jill I think it’s a good idea that you talked to someone.”

Denny nods. “I was thinking the same thing from Sunday.”

I nod and blush. “Yeah not my best day.”

And mom says. “Plus today.”

I nod.

Denny looks at me and then mom. “Okay I missed something what happened today?”

I sigh and take a drink of my coffee. “Ralph fired me, said I was costing him business since I came out.”

Denny gets up and gives me a hug. “Well fuck him sideways with a snowplow, you can do better than that shitty job anyways.”

I smile a little, mom huffs. “Well we should take his ass to court because that’s illegal.”

I sigh. “I know but it’s just, it’s just too much. I don’t want to go to court and go through all of that while some douchebag lawyer he hires goes over my life and labels me like I’m some freak or some pervert.”

Both of them hug me and Denny says. “Whatever you need sis, like I said you can do better.”

I sigh and lean into them for a bit. “I’m going to do the sewing and the cosplay stuff and see where that goes.”

Denny beams. “Well that’s going to go well because Jeanette at least wants a dress for New Year’s Eve and I think that the other girls will likely want something too.”

I smile now because while dad never asked how much money I made recently it was a good amount. Enough honestly that I was going to have a really good christmas even after Denny got her half. Now that’s a cushion until I get my unemployment claim started.

Mom asks about the christmas dresses and who and things about who bought them and we talk as we work and some of all of that is boxing things up or putting into tins. she was surprised at how many trans girls that Denny knew.

Denny shrugged. “It just sort of happened I met Bobbi at the ren fair at Avalon Hill and she was part of an all girls gaming group and stuff spread out from there.”

I ask. “Bobbi? I haven’t met her yet.”

“She moved last year gone to Las Vegas with her girlfriend.” There’s something there I think...maybe? I mean Denny’s cool but still if the feeling I have matches the look in her eyes that’d explain why she’s so in my corner and things.

I’ll ask her later, she might overshare with me but this isn’t something that she’s going to share with mom.

Denny though takes out her phone and she shows mom the pictures of the dresses on the model dummies and on the girls and denny and I. Yes I made our dresses too.

Mom looks at me. “Wow, Jill...seriously honey wow. I think you missed your calling, these are good, hell they’re beautiful.”

“Really?”

She’s nodding. “Really, I’d love to have one to wear while taking things around everyone will be jealous as shit.”

I laugh because mom swearing when she’s not mad at us is just so odd and kind of funny. “Done!”

And with that I go and get my measuring things and measure her and then we’re going over styles and I’m going to go with a bit of a plunging neckline and nice straps that’ll be just wide enough to hide her bra straps and instead of the faux white fur I have some really nice lace from some other things that I bought for making those fancy French medieval sleeve cuffs.

It’s not long after that I’m back home and I’m up and I’m cutting and sewing and working on Mom’s dress. Red of course trimmed in the lace at the bodice and the bottom hem and i make a red faux satin slip to go with it as well.

It actually cheers me up a lot and I got from there to my list of presents and I make things for my relatives and yeah mostly the women and the girls. I consult my Facebook to snoop on some of them and see the stuff and styles they wear and there will be some things that I’m going to buy.

The men and the boys will be mostly shopped for.

I finish a whole bunch of things and then I crash for a while and get up early and have some breakfast and get ready for my appointment.

Dr. Patty Jones and it’s on her card as Patty was actually pretty nice. her office was busy filled with all those last minute before the holiday folks that needed to see her and everything.

But she was actually really nice and disarmingly charming. I’ll admit it helped that her receptionists were actually offering christmas cookies and hot chocolate while folks waited.

And she was just really easy to talk to.

I it was really a kind of like rehash of me talking about me and she went kind of heavy on the role playing stuff and characters. I was kind of surprised at that but apparently she had girls just like me as patients and it’s one of the things that’s pretty consistent. Like the sort of voice training we kind of have from playing in character and slipping into voice for hours and hours.

And she actually had me talk about my characters, my favorite characters.

Because as it turns out that how I talk about them reflects on myself and how exactly I empathize with other women from being in stealth.

There was a bunch more things but the session wasn’t that long and she agreed to take me on as a patient. I just needed to sign a few things and get out my medicare care and she took me on as a patient and we set up an appointment for after the new year.

It was nowhere near as stressful or as painful as I thought that it’d be and she honestly left me with a lot to think about and to look back on as all these silent cues.

It was a good distraction as I went shopping.

Yes I know that I should sit on my money just in case but I want to make a good impression sort of with the family as Jill. And it’s mostly things to get the menfolk of the family and some are easy.

Several of them like books and used to them is just as good as old and I facebook message wives or girlfriends and some of my aunts that look to see if they have something I’m looking at in the used book places.

Some of the resale shops have books for as cheap as twenty five cents each and one of my uncles Eddie who is a big is a Bond fan and there was a box of the trading cards that will make a kick ass present for him. There’s some paperbacks too that I put in the box for him and some soap on a rope.

Most of the guys are easy it’s shaving cream they might like and deodorant especially for the teen cousins and I get all of them some of those little hotel travel bag versions of aftershave and things too.

I get the girls hair things, bobby pins, elastics, scrunchies and all those things that girls go through pretty fast or lose and with that I get them nail polish remover and a bottle of Dove lotion and some brushes and combs too.

Everyone gets a bath towel and facecloth set for the kids and cousins.

Seriously there’s something about having your own towels and things when you’ve never had them before.

I don’t go high end with the gifts, something useful is always better than something expensive but still with all of that and some miscellaneous treats I spend about two hundred and eighty dollars.

I do spend the most of all things on my cousin Michelle’s son Randy who just got his first car and it was on his Facebook and I bought him vise grips and a socket set plus a wrench set and a can of WD-40.

Dad drilled into us about getting our own tools and I have my own in my car and yeah they’re better than what I bought but in case he doesn’t have any then now he does. He can buy better down the line but like having your own towel and face cloth having your own few tools is one of those passage of time things.

And then it’s home with a good chunk of the day gone and there’s a missed call on my phone when I get home and am taking things from my pocket.

It’s Chris.

Like gay but Bi for trans girls Chris from Jeanette’s party.

I call him back. “Hello pretty lady.”

“Hi Chris.” I’m actually glad to hear from him. “I’m just calling you back.”

“Well I was wondering what you’re doing tonight?”

“I was going to wrap presents but that might change.”

“Do you want to go out?”

“You’re asking me out?”

“I think I just did.”

“Okay.”

“Just like that?”

“Yeah I know you already and I like you so, sure.”

“Great can I pick you up at six?”

“I can do six but what are we doing and where are we going?”

He says. “I was thinking we’d go out to diner and then there’s a christmas party that I was invited to and I thought that you might want to get out.”

I smile and lean on my door as I shuck my boots off. “I’d love to get out.”

“I’ll see you then.”

We hang up and I go and stow the presents away and then I go and I get my clothes together. I’m actually going to wear that dress that mom gave me when we were baking and I pair that with a christmassy pair of thigh socks with a really cute print of them that I think goes with them with a line of tiny christmas trees at the ankles and some mistletoe at the tops and they’re red colored so that all matches.

I spend the rest of the time looking up getting clean for being with someone that way and I take a quick run to the pharmacy and get all the things I need plus condoms and lube. Damned right I was sort of planning on a heavy maybe. I mean I’m really nervous about it and it’s really freaky getting ready like that too but I want to take actual steps with being me...and I actually like Chris he’s nice and he’s in good shape and actually handsome too.

Getting ready the rest of the way was easy but wow….the time flew by and I’m still primping when my doorbell rings.

I go and I open the door and Chris is there and he’s in a nice leather jacket, like sporty looking instead of classic biker like and he’s in a thin v-necked sweater that shows off some of his chest and build and nice dress slacks.

“Hi.” I say and I kind of can’t help but to smile and blush.

“Wow, you look great Jill.”

“Thanks, I think it’s cute but not too cute.”

“I think that you nailed it it’s cute and it’s sexy.”

I blush again. “Thanks Chris.”

I get my purse and I leave a note and stick it to the inside glass of my window and post it up on my Facebook. I look at Chris. “You mind if I take a picture of us?”

“Fine by me.” He says and we do this pose together and we take a couple and I post them up.

One it’s my first date as me, two it’s another FU to my haters.

Okay three, Chris is good looking and he’s dressed really nice too so yeah there just might be a little showing off.

I’m musing on that a little too on the way to his car how I’m dating or at least going out with a guy if I was honest would have been out of my league back in high school. I kind of feel like I’m dating one of the popular guys right now.

I like his car which is a nice and pretty new Buick Verano in black and he opens the door for me. I sit smoothing holding to my skirt and then swing my legs in. Okay, Okay maybe I know things that regular guys aren’t really supposed to know or notice.

And I know it’s just stereotypes and my brain talking but I liked that Chris did that.

He’s a good driver too, not too slow and not going too fast for the winter and we end up pulling into Morenos which is an Italian place here in town and I’ve never been here. I mean it’s one of those places that requires a jacket and they mean a suit or sport coat and Chris has one in the backseat hung from the seatbelt and he opens the door and he helps me out of the car which was way more awkward for me than it ever looks because no one has ever done that for me.

Thank goddess for my purse because otherwise I wouldn’t know what to do with my hands.

There’s reservations and then waiting or seeing if you can get a table, and we’re lucky we get a table right away and they even have a hostess.

I’m really enjoying all of this too even if it’s a little sort of sad in a kind of way that I never really owned a coat for this like an actual grown up or even tried to take a date to something like this.

I mean it’s not fancy but it’s fancier than I have ever been.

We get a table and Chris actually does the chair bit and and I blush and when he sits I say. “Thanks so much for asking me out Chris I needed to get out.”

“I know I caught a little of that Facebook fracas and I remember the hellstorm that kicked up when I came out.”

I nod. “I really could have skipped over that.”

He smiles. “Couldn’t we all.”

I look around. “You didn’t have to go all out like this though.”

He looks at me. “Sure I did, one you’re worth it and two I’m worth it. The food here is really good and I’d feel like a slump if I came here just for the food and ate alone.”

I laugh and I get a look from the waitress that came with the water and she looks at me and then at him and then at me and she doesn’t say anything and just pours our water.

(Sigh.) “I think I’ve been clocked.”

He shrugs. “That doesn’t matter, they’re LGBT friendly here it’s part of their reputation. You can bring a date here no matter what. She might have been checking because she knows me and thinks that I brought a very different kind of date.”

I take a sip of my water. “You date a lot of trans women?”

“You’d be my third.”

“Oh…”

Chris looks at me. “Usually I date just guys.”

“You said at the party before.”

He nods. “Even with trans women I hate to like really click with them as a person to date them.”

“I’m honored.”

Chris blushes. “You really don’t have to be, you’re nice Jill and you’re fun and easy to be around.”

Okay then it’s my turn to blush and we’re rescued by the menus.

I’m not really versed in italian food but I get the chopped salad because I’m avoiding garlic tonight and I go with the cannelloni because I adore the whole pasta stuffed with cheese thing and Chris gets the same salad and ossobuco on risotto.

I’m not a salad person at home but in a restaurant it seems just that actual cooks make it so much better than I could. This was amazing with romaine and endive and julienned carrots, thinly sliced cucumber and yellow zucchini, kalamata olives, sweet onions, and roasted sliced artichokes.

All of that’s off the menu I wouldn’t have had a clue as to what endive is. It’s kinda bitter though but not bad and I like raw zucchini apparently and artichokes too. I hadn’t had them until this but they were pretty great and I liked the fact the dressing came in little bowls on the side. I was going to pour it over but Chris actually used it to spear things onto his fork and then dipped it like chips or like bread in soup.

So I did that and I used the napkin like her did in my other hand under it to catch the drips.

Why hadn’t anyone ever taught me how to do that?

The food was amazing and one of my favorite things was they brought a bowl of steaming hot marinara while we were waiting and a basket of bread rolls that was piping hot and another bowl of this really, really dark olive oil.

I had never had any place do either which was really awesome and I’d never tasted warmed up fragrant olive oil and really good olive oil on bread alone before.

I’m stealing both ideas honestly for food at home.

We really ate well and we even shared forkfuls of food and I didn’t care for the ossobuco it was cooked with red wine and I can always taste that wine in things or beer for that matter and while I drink I’m not generally a fan of either of those kinds of alcohol in food.

But the risotto was really excellent and it was like nothing rice like that I have ever tried before. I love the fact there were these little bits of rough ground parmesan cheese in it that are just, just cooked enough to fall apart as you chew and to melt into that sort of musky salty kind of thing.

That, that spooned on top of garlic bread to me would be heaven.

Dessert was tiramisu.

I love coffee, I really do and I’ve heard of this but it really didn’t prepare me for just how amazing it was.

I’m not from a rich family so going out like this was something that we didn’t do too much. Like the fanciest food was things like catered things like a couple of weddings and things like going in to eat at places like chinese food restaurants where they had real chopsticks.

Heck when going out was just me it wasn’t, just drive through or delivery food, usually delivery on the weekends.

Though maybe that might have to change some.

Denny would love the tiramisu I think and it’d be worth it to come here just for that and a nice coffee to go with it.

We take our time which is nice too, then Chris leaves twenty five percent tip because I looked at the billing slip when I got up to use the bathroom and touch up my make-up and even the bathroom was nice. Not just clean but there were wipes set out in a canister and great lighting at the mirror and in the three stalls there was a little thumb sized can of air freshened with that fresh linen scent.

You know folks rip free things off even these kind of things so you know they really care to take these little steps.

A few women come in and though I’m nervous they’re just really nice and I get a few compliments on my christmas outfit and that’s all that happened.

Chris is waiting as we leave with a few take out bags which one goes in the trunk and two in the back seat as we drive to the party.

It’s in town but over at Spruceland which is this older subdivision that had a whole lot of blue spruce growing there and people had new houses with more evergreens and cedars and the shrubs and the whole shebang.

If you’re a kid this was one of the hot spots for trick or treating. The big semi-rich upper middle classed places that gave out full cans of pop or candy bars.

The place we go to has the big pillars at the front entry and a two car garage with it’s own second story and the house was really big and it had tasteful christmas decorations. We had to go down the street quite a ways to find a place to park and we were joined by other party goers and Chris is introducing me as we’re walking up and in.

It’s his boss’s house and it’s a company party and it’s packed and catered but also a bar and a disc jockey running the music.

The bags Chris got were really well received as he brought cannoli for the party. They go fast once they get set out but it was kind of cool that he did that because that looked expensive.

We mingle and get drinks and it’s fun, a little confusing, very scary until I start getting this is a very LGBT+ Party and that Chris works for this queer friendly and first vacation travel company that does timeshares as well.

Apparently it’s a pretty big thing that the community needs places to go and vacation and de-stress.

Three holly-berries later and I’m dancing.

That’s hot red mulled shiraz with cranberry juice used as a mixer with either gin which is a no for me even if it smells good or vodka which I’m having. The harder booze with the spices gives it a whole new touch for the warming feelings.

Chris doesn’t drink but he’s more than willing to dance and dance.

I’ve never done this before, the dancing as a girl and that’s with the faster christmas pop stuff or the just fun things playing or the slow songs.

I’ve always been the wallflower.

But here even when the nerves kick up and things there’s plenty of friendly folks there, usually women willing to dance with me a little to like morally shore up my nerves or show me a few steps or a new dance even.

People are really cool here, they’re friendly and they know I’m pretty new at this.

And getting to talk, hearing other coming out stories, bad things, funny things, hearing things that I think that I needed to hear. Like how good my choices were in my outfit and that going short and pixie cut with my hair was sexy and really daring and just girling out and geeking out on a level that I didn’t even know existed...make-up, bath stuff too and clothes and so much but I kind of actually get to talk things about my clothes and show pictures.

I didn’t know that there was a community like this, people like this.

Well like I knew but no one here was ever on my everyday radar.

And meeting so many really great people and eating, drinking, dancing, laughing my face hurts from it, I’ve never laughed so much either.

Chris will rescue me from the gatherings from time to time coming over with compliments and drinks sometimes usually shots.

And we dance together and the slow dancing is getting better and better.

Dancing, his hands touching me, holding me, oh seriously to be held. it’s not even erotic but it hits me in this spot I never knew I had.

In my experience I never got to lean on anyone, never danced like this.

And that feeling sinking in deep, in so deep it’s hot, romantic, makes kissing Chris so, so very easy.

And being on the other side of being kissed.

Oh...oh the thoughts and plans that I had for us before are so becoming a thing.

I’m way more into the hard on he has pressing against me, my tuck is getting more uncomfortable as well.

We just finished dancing one more time slowly to Clapton’s *Wonderful tonight.*

We’re kissing and staring into each other’s faces and I know it’s just everything hitting me just right when I’m seeing just how handsome he is.

“Chris take me home?”

“Yes.” Good lord the sexy, sort of husky I want you way that he said it was just thrilling, like his voice that one world sank into my chest.

We’re not long leaving despite the goodbyes and hugs, cheek kisses and the host’s partner Stanley giving us a goody bag of things from the party.

Going home was fast, and agonizing in a way I’ve never felt and we took our things but we did rush up the stairs and through the door.

It was.

Boot fumbling while kissing.

Kissing across my living room towards the kitchen and the bags barely hitting the table.

The sheer shock as Chris picks me up and sets me on my kitchen counter.

I feel, feel girly and light like that and he kisses me as I wrap my arms around his head and play with his head and the skirt of my dress comes up and my panties get pulled down part way combining with this kinky feeling with my thigh socks and Chris pulls me free and strokes me hard while kissing me.

Then french kissing me.

I’ve never done that before and it’s so very, very different but it’s good.

Then he moves down and a very quick condom later and Chris is giving me a blow job.

Like nothing that I’ve experienced as he settles my legs over his shoulders and that’s so girly, so never before a thing in my life.

One hand holds my length and strokes as his mouth slides over me in this hungry insistent way. Lips tight, and the suction is just so...and the other hand is gently fondling my balls carefully then that shifts until his palm is just sliding over my tightening parts and his fingers, his fingers are pushing in sinking into me and there’s this combination of the two feelings taking me to tears of pleasure and gasps, moans and thrill bumps breaking out all over me he’s fingering me and his fingertips find my spot inside...two...three...four rubs and I cry out, fist my fingers into his hair and I’ve no control as I jet and cum filling the condom.

“Chris, Chris…..Oh...Oh I’m going to...I’m gonna…” I whine out. “Chris...Bae...bee...Oh!”

The “Oh” was shouted, cried out in a pitch that was pretty up there.

He swirls his tongue over the tip as I’m filling it over and over bathing my tip in my own hoit liquid driving me into this sensory overload that makes my member twitch and his fingers take me over the edge in that literally toe curling way as there’s that inside burst, that sensation of a shiver like a deep vibration that sizzles out through the same nerves and a few more as I see stars.

I hunch over him, hug his head and hold on panting, tears of pleasure, release and shock running down my face wrecking my make-up a little but is a good way.

We both straighten as Chris comes up to kiss with me and pulls off the condom and we kiss over and over...I’m shivering in a good way and can’t control it but I’m all smiles as I wrap my legs around his waist.

My panties hit the floor at some point.

I point. “Bedroom’s that way.”

He nods, nuzzles, kisses me and I do all of that back. “As you wish.”

I kiss him again. “I love kissing books.”

I know that’s really corny but he started it and he picks me up and he carried me inside to my bedroom.

I know I’m taking some of my weight with my arms and legs around him but he’s pretty strong and at around a hundred and sixty and change I’m not all that light compared to well some slim slender girl.

There’s a fair bit of thrill from that and there’s this little rush as he sits me down on the bed and now it’s my turn.

I’ve never done that crotch level thing with a man.

I’ve never unhooked a belt and unzipped his fly and I’ve never certainly touched something like this.

I mean, this feels nothing like mine...and I’m pretty much average, like real life average and not fictional average and Chris...well likely seven inches or close to it, uncut, veins there looking just so potent and an almost biology book drawn tip and he’s thick.

That’s what I’m not used to, it’s so thick like a flashlight handle and there’s heft to it in my hand and there’s heat and firmness. I didn’t really think about how hard it would be.

All of it is really intoxicating and erotic and exciting to me and there’s a little bead leaking out as I take a condom from Chris and put it on him...I stop just long enough to use a finger to smear the drop over his tip and let it help make this seal for the tip of his condom.

Then it’s my turn and I start giving him a blowjob.

And minutes in I’ve come to the thought that it’s not the latex that’s letting me do this it’s want and part of me is so, so very into it that I want to play dangerously.

Oh yeah with the way it feels, the texture even through the condom, the heat, the thrum as his body will guy-kagel and flex as I do something and the sounds that Chris makes has me wanting to skin it off and dangerously taste the real thing.

Of course I don’t.

And despite my gag reflex and despite the ache of my jaw I’m into it, very, very into it and getting aroused and excited as he gets close, as his hips move and I have to hold him to a pace, have this kind of control to keep him from going too far in his need.

Oh done right it’s a dance.

Yeah.

I love the feeling of him in my mouth, I like the feeling of friction from his cock on my lips making them tingle. I love knowing exactly what I’m doing and how erotic it is and when Chris cums himself it’s a blast, a hot rushing blast as he fills the tip of his condom and I return the favor he did with me and swirls and push that searing hot liquid around.

His voice lost in that husky passionate reverie chanting. “Jill...Jill, Jill, Jill…” his fingers through my hair, kneading my scalp.

But feeling the force as he did, the pressure, realizing what I just did and I felt the entire thing through my lips, pulsing inside my mouth, on my tongue and it was so exciting, so fast that it made my eyelids flutter and and I leaked a little as my heart raced in the moment.

His finger reaching down as my tongue swirls and strokes the edge of my jaw making me tremble, leak a little more.

I pull it off of him and stand and we kiss.

I undress him with taking off his sweater and he helps me out of my dress.

He takes off his socks as I take off my bra shyly, I’m so not what...what I want to be, I want breasts, even if it’s so recently I’m shy about the way I look right now and it hits home pretty well that if I was going to stand shyly like this I’d want real breasts instead of gel inserts.

I reached towards the thigh socks and Chris smiles sheepishly. “Please leave them on?”

I nod. “I’d like that too, I’d help maybe...I’ve never really done this before.”

He smiles this sweet smile and kisses me. “I know but it’s just you look both hot and cute in them.”

“Really?”

He blushes. “Yeah really.”

There’s some fond smiles and sweet kisses after that as we get onto the bed more together and Chris had brought more condoms and he brought lube as well. It was actually a sweet and sort of fitting pairing as I stroked him back to hardness as he lubed me liberally and fingered me as we kissed and then it was.

We went missionary.

Really old fashioned and face to face and everything but yeah the first part of it was face to face and Chris sinking inside of me.

I stretched.

I felt myself stretch too but it didn’t hurt.

I’m going to tell you that there’s a lot of fiction about first times. Chris was prepared and careful and that made it good, better than good because I was far from the only lover like me that he had and it wasn’t too long before he was gliding all that hot, hard, veiny thickness in and out of my body making me tremble as it felt good then better and better.

A normal spurting cum between us both that is radically changed too for me as my body clenches around Chris inside of me.

How better? Well for one he knew where to place his thrusts to press into my sensitive spots, and his cock was so very hot and so very hard and my unused nerves were getting more and more stimulated back there….in there.

And that feels good, knowing what is going on makes your brain connect the two so it really feels good.

And the power.

Like being held, there’s nothing that prepares you for the grip of his hands, the power of his thrusts and that body jolting into you sending this whole other sensation...just one of like kinetics that ripples through your body.

Sure the bed moves, and the sheets too but no, not that there’s that feeling of you moving, the way that you can place your hand on your body and move the skin back and forth well...it’s that but better, because he’s doing it and there’s part of your brain that translates those little sexy thrust ripples with getting fucked.

Yeah the F words fit here.

Fucked, jolted, ridden.

Yes, yes, yes.

And that leads to cumming with that inner body-gasm.

Again and again and hard yes when my legs go back over his shoulders and he sinks in hard and deep bending me like never before and pounding that place inside with the perfect angle and we cum within seconds of each other as my body clenching takes him over the top.

We collapse panting and kissing and lots of kissing as I straighten out and my body is so sore, all the dancing and all this sex and sex I’m not used to...orgasms I’m not used to and we end up cuddling up together and I know I drift off before Chris does.

Dreaming was a non issue at first until I was close to waking and I had all these me dreams.

Last night, the dinner, the party, all those people and the dancing and then afterwards.

I wake up smelling coffee.

really good smelling coffee.

I go and use the bathroom and there was a definite odd and ow soreness back there after last night and on impulse I get cleaned up there and that way...just in case we do something fun before he leaves. I wash off my smeared make-up and use a cleansing wipe too and brush my teeth.

Chris is there and it’s still dark but definitely morning and he’s naked save for a towel, but showered and he’s in my kitchenette and I can smell coffee and I go over and kiss him.

“Morning, why up so early?”

“Force of habit mostly, I don’t think that I’m going anywhere though.”

“Oh?”

He gestures outside and I go to my window and it’s storming out but not snow freezing rain.

I hate freezing rain.

And there’s a lot of glaze out there and I nod. “Yeah you’re definitely staying.”

He smiles. “Thank you for the offer.”

I kiss him again. “Thank you for last night.”

We kiss again and he tastes minty fresh which has me blushing for noticing something so intimate. “I’m going to go and clean up.”

Chris nods. “I’m just reheating some of the party favors that we were given and I have coffee from the restaurant.”

“Oh...that’s why that smells so good.”

He grins.

I say. “Help yourself to anything, I’ll be right back.”

He raises a sexy eyebrow. “Anything.”

I turn off the oven and take him by the fingers. “Yes anything Caramilk Devil.”

That’s an old joke from an old commercial.

I lead him into the bathroom and we get cleaned up together.

I’ve never showered with anyone before, never been washed by another adult person before.

Never had shower sex before.

At first it’s hands and touching and kissing and then it’s him inside of me from behind and standing with me hanging onto the shower caddy and it hurts more this time because I’m sore from last night but of hell once that gets eased and I’m more relaxed and open we end up on my hands and knees and him sinking into me with jolting thrust after jolting thrust until we’re both noisy and spent.

The neatest thing was Chris moved the shower head to spray on just the wall and turned down the pressure and the cold water altogether and the shower became a sauna with all of the steam.

I’m exhausted all over again and really sore in the best of ways and we take our time drying each other off and then head out.

He grabs his shorts and I toss him a pair of my old sweatpants that aren’t girly and I get dressed too.

Simple comfort bra and inserts and an Atari logo black tee shirt, panties and after a tuck I slip into a pair of black leggings.

I stop at my mirror and since I’m going to be eating and things I don’t do lipstick but do my eyes, just some eyeliner and shadow and mascara. It looks good though in the mirror with the clothes.

I like his smile when I come out and he has things set up at the coffee table at the couch and we sit and we eat and watch DVDs that I have in my collection.

It’s really good too with us doing the Hobbits trilogy and LOTR as well because we’re really not going anywhere and after the first Hobbits movie I go and stripped the bed and did the wash or got it started and I tossed in a couple of my cheap comforters with a dryer sheet.

We spent most of the day nested up with warm comforters drinking coffee and nibbling away at leftover crab puffs, mini quiches and reheated tiny spinach pastries and sausages in rolls with a box of Ritz crackers and a cheese ball we were given.

I never did this ever.

Cuddled up and fed and held and with someone who was actually into the movies too.

We dozed even when we hit credits and woke when the front prompt of the DVD’s started playing the music.

We took a break in between the two series and I put things in the dryer and took other sheets and made the bed and realized I need more of those since that’s kind of it, like all I have for bedding.

And Chris made this goulash.

It’s pretty much hamburger and elbow macaroni but he took canned tomatoes and put them in a saucepan on high and he added spices that I didn’t know I had in the house aside from the chili powder mix from an Old El Paso taco kit and he added some tomato soup to that once he cooked the spices in the tomato juices for a while and mixed it all together and added in some chopped up cheese slices and put it into a glass lasagna dish I had and baked it on low.

Low enough we took a nap on the freshly made bed.

And we woke and spent the first little bit enjoying each other orally.

Chris likes to do that, he’s not much of a bottom unless the guy is bigger and really hot but he likes to suck and taste and all of that.

I’m learning to like it too and I’m not embarrassed to say that he taught me.

Taught me how to hold it, different strokes, different parts to enjoy and how to slow down and enjoy that.

It was pretty great and we’re still both too sore and tired for much else.

And we didn’t need it either.

We got up around supper and ate while watching the second series and just snuggled in and cuddled more.

It was nine or so when the freezing rain stopped and we decided that he was staying the night again.

Seriously there was a lot of ice down and power was out in places in town and likely power lines and trees and we still would have to wait until morning for any decent salt and sand to be put down by the town.

We went to bed shortly after than.

No, no fooling around.

People who have sex all the time are fictional or like really, really rare. I’m not sure that we had anything in the tank either.

I have to say I like sleeping with someone.

Denny and Chris have both kind of reminded me just how much I missed someone next to me.

And if Chris couldn’t top things off any better with this whole date he helped dad in the morning clear away the fallen branches and helped him get the ice off of the driveway and all of the steps.

I would have stuck around to talk but as soon as Chris was outside Denny was inside and she demanded that I spilled.

And honestly I really, really wanted to.

I never really talked about my girlfriends and didn’t kiss and tell but this, this was different.

It wasn’t bragging it was being happy and being actually allowed to talk about who and what made me happy.

And Denny poured us some drinks while we talked and even compared notes.

That bounce, that jolt, that body feel of getting fucked in a good way, yeah it’s not just me.

Denny of course has more stories about guys than I do but Chris and I did a lot and we got pretty raunchy about the details and what we like.

Chris came up to say goodbye and we kissed for a bit and he had to go.

It was such a good date, time, experience.

I had to of course tell mom too but a more sanitized version over lunch and dad’s sole comment was that “He’s a nice fellow, not lazy and more than willing to help out and he called me sir.”

But he vacated when Denny popped out the whole. “And he deflowered your other daughter.”

Dad left before we got too detailed for him and went to do things in the den and sip his drinks and smoke.

And while cleaned up from the sex details we girls did talk about other things.

Guys in nice clothes and the way nice manners feel, the way that worked out strength and muscle feels, the way it feels when he takes the time and effort to make a reservation.

It felt so good to be able to fit in with that conversation.

And it went from that to the softer stuff about the date, the comforters and the nibblies and the cuddling.

Which I’m getting sighs for and about and I’m kind of braggy proud that I had this.

It feels like I passed a milestone of sorts.

Then it was just hanging out and talking.

The rest of the year went fast.

I know skipping things but I didn’t really date anymore and I was busy making dresses for my customers for New Years and then there was going around to the relatives taking presents and picking presents up and way too much eating at some places especially with the older relatives.

And coming out.

Coming out to the whole family.

Which was easier than I thought.

Oh we had some that were definitely offended but mom’s family which was most of our speaking family had three groups that were the majority. One a lot of old hippies with live and let live, two just even older great aunts and uncles that were even more of the life is too short thing. And then there’s the younger cousins where being out and trans or any other part of the LGBT+ isn’t new or strange.

And well mom and Dad and Denny there helps loads too and it’s more than obvious when I’m in a tight soft pink sweater and wearing faux pearls with matching earrings and a red girls plaid peacoat and a black skirt and white-rose colored stockings and make-up as well as all the smell-girl stuff.

And Oh my Aunt Viola and Aunt Rose who are actually my Great Aunts I found out aren’t sisters, they’re partners. Like Lesbians and they were both thrilled in me coming out and being me and they were just really sweet about the whole thing.

I got things.

I got things that they didn’t have anyone that they felt that close to to pass onto.

Mostly clothes and before you think old lady clothes think more vintage clothes, old dresses and all those going out and even everything post WW2 and Korea things. Those sexy sort of pin up clothes.

I cried.

I cried and they did and it was really, really beyond cool and connecting for all of us.

And Great Uncle Travis was cool too.

He’s technically one of the cousins of my grandparents and he lives out in the sticks and all but he took things in stride so much he made sure that my place to sit was clean and he treated me like Denny and Mom.

He even got us a bit more than drunk and he let Denny and I go out to the barns.

He has horses.

He’s a leather worker and a harness maker by trade and still will tinker away and he doesn’t ride anymore and his horse are pretty old too just kind of aging away but nicely like him.

It’s not a girl thing but at the same time still kind of a girl thing and Denny and I brushed them until they were more than happy and then mom recruited us to help clean.

Great Uncle Travis is a really sweet old guy but his place is cluttered and not dirty but he doesn’t dust and he really holds onto things that just need tossing out because he just can’t be bothered and it’s always been that way ever since his wife died.

So we stayed a longer visit and hauled out newspapers and junk mail by the bag and dusted and scrubbed and we did his sheets too and laundry. We kicked him and Dad out to the leather shop where they could talk and smoke and drink more bourbon.

Yeah Mom was driving the rest after this.

But we sort of did these things to take care of him.

He’s one of the family that we cooked at home for.

Fruitcakes and cookies and some of the pies and the mince meat but there were pints of homemade baked beans too and stews. And there’s some homemade bread out thawing we brought and some that went into his freezer and a great big plate of cold sliced pork roast.

Dad loves him pretty much for just being that old guy that he is and every year he buys him a few good bottles, a couple of pouches of that Sail pipe tobacco in the yellow pouches and there’s alway a box of black licorice pipes like those old heavy black licorice and two big bags of peanuts in the shell.

He doesn’t say it but there’s that look of how much that this means.

It was good having him treat me just like one of the girls and calling me Jilly.

I think he’s going to be the only one that I’m going to let call me that.

Being more plugged into my family this year sure felt good.

Seriously.

We had a really full tree this year and I got a ton of christmas cards on top of my presents.

It really made the everything great.

Johnny came over on Christmas Eve to hang out and drop off presents for us and get his own from us too.

I was wondering if he’d show up this year.

We had a long standing tradition of drinking and food but a christmas movie marathon.

I hadn’t seen him in over week and a half but he showed up with a christmas stocking cap on and with bells on his black leather biker styled steel toe boots and a tow great big bags of presents.

And then after dropping presents off at the house he went back to his car and came with pizza boxes and the santa sack.

Then made another trip for booze.

“I didn’t hear from you...I didn’t think that you’d show up…”

He shook his head and passed me the case of beer.

“I snagged some extra shifts at work.”

Johnny works for Amazon at one of their warehouses running a forklift.

“Oh it’s just that I thought.”

He rolls his eyes. “Uhm...no...but I wasn’t going to toss these hours, It was crazy for awhile and I literally slept there twice but it was worth it.”

“What you needed the hours that much?”

He nodded. “I wanted a much better christmas this year and I did that and even socked some way for going on vacation to like a con or something.”

“Okay, okay I didn’t think about going to cons.”

He looked at me and pointed to my crafting corner. “Jill, seriously you should.”

I grin and help him inside with things and that was that.

Denny joined us as we settled in and we watched really bad DVD’s and he put presents under my tree and we drank and we ate.

Pizza with ground turkey-burger, ham, sausage, bacon on it with pineapple and green peppers.

Popcorn that’s been coated in butter and tossed in Stovetop boxed dressing that was buzzed up in the blender.

Which is actually pretty good when the butter soaks into all of it and you’re drunk.

He didn’t change and we didn’t change.

We did the whole marathon thing and in the morning we opened presents in my apartment.

I did buy for both him and Denny.

Johnny I got him all the first year run of IDW’s TMNT in trade format and four movie passes.

I got Denny movie passes too since it is a good gift really but I bought her the Star Warriors boxed set and that’s this old Star Wars based fighter game that uses a cheap map and cardboard fighter counters and it’s pretty danged old.

And I got her a set of three Heroforge miniatures for her favorite characters complete with weapons and yes even a clear plastic yellow blade for her jedi.

She was so happy and had never heard of Heroforge.

My gifts were pretty great too.

Denny bought me breast forms.

They came in a kit, with all the fixings and things and I immediately had to try them on.

36 C cup.

Denny and I took off to the bathroom and took our time fitting them on and adhering them just right and getting the seams just right.

And holy fuck.

They felt so right, the weight, the heft, the bounce and getting those on and then my bra and a v-necked tee that showed off cleavage.

Looking in the mirror was a really, real “hello you” moment.

Johnny noticed about five minutes after I sat back down and got his head out of his first comic and just stared.

“Wow.”

I look at him and pass him another present. “Wow?”

“Yeah wow, those came in fast.”

“Their breast forms doof.”

He rolls his eyes. “Uhm yeah no durr.”

I did buy other little presents and it’s mostly like the other things I got the guys in my family. Good razors, shaving cream, a couple of towels. Denny got him a gift card for the snazzy barber shop downtown that serves coffee and does actual shaves and the hot towel thing.

That’s got Johnny excited because one it’s cool and I’d have loved it too but it’s one of those gifts that you’d never buy for yourself.

Johnny actually thought on mine with like me and just all the stuff I’m going to be going through and he bought and paid for like a dozen electrolysis treatments.

“John, wow that’s expensive.”

He grins. “Yeah well, I know a girl and she’s just like starting out and she gave me like three treatments free for the package deal.”

Okay I will say this Johnny does know people. A hundred odd jobs that he does and ideas like the one with the cloth is kind of his thing. He tries a lot of stuff, sometimes he messes up and fails, sometimes he ropes his friends in too but he just tends to go for it. And he’s like that with people too.

Johnny’s that guy that grabs the other end of that couch you’re trying to move just because.

I kind of love that about him.

Denny got me more things too a bunch of gaffs for tucking and a bunch of toiletries that I need and Johnny’s other stuff to me are things that are small but nice and way more girly than I thought he’d go for.

Scented candles, those dollar store hair things too, scrunchies, and few bottles of girly scented lotions and body washes that are like Dove and things like that.

I give him a big hug and then we go get ready and head downstairs to the house and have breakfast and open presents there.

Johnny of course comes too.

Has since we were twelve.

He’s got step parents, two...his mom died of cancer when he was little and his dad Eddie died of a heart attack a few years later. His step mom remarried but he stayed with her and they’re really good people it’s just they open their things early since he always used to come here and later they’d just come over for christmas dinner.

I do ask and they’re still coming over.

We start our traditions as soon as we’re home and Dad’s making pancakes and there’s christmas music playing pretty loudly from the den and we all end up having really great coffee usually with something extra in it for a kick now that we’re adults and dad’s got platters set out with his christmas bacon all cooked up thickly sliced and crispy, hash browns and sausages...those are really good this year with it being duck sausage with I think he said ground turkey in it too cured by a butcher he knows and there’s chili in it and fennel seed but also like a little rosemary, candied citrus peel and dried cranberries.

We have local maple syrup and of course dad cooked all the meats out on the grill with his big old cast iron pan and he used coffee and the scraping and made red eye gravy.

I’ll admit that I am a pancakes with red eye gravy girl.

So’s dad, well he’s not a girl but he like it too and we both like buckwheat pancakes.

It’s one of those things we got from Great Uncle Travis who lives on them and baked beans and stuff like that.

At some point he had fed both to dad and well it stuck.

Then there’s presents after we do the dishes.

That’s when I do end up crying.

It’s the things that some of the family bought me.

There’s clothes and things and they’re nice things too but it’s getting stuffies that I don’t own anymore and well wishes, sweet messages, little cousins saying that “all us girls need snuggles.” My cousin Tracy’s daughter Amanda who’s seven made me a bunch of letters with crayon designs making me a forever member of her blanket forts and she made me a DCD that was so sweet showing me how to braid my hair once it grows out.

She calls me Aunt Jill the entire time and she’s really, really cute.

There’s a lot of well wishes and gift cards for so many things like pharmacy places like Shoppers Drug Mart and close to two hundred in various Walmart cards. And from my younger but old enough family and mostly the girls gift cards for things like Sephora and Payless shoes and even some online places. Tammy one of the 4th cousins sent food, preserves she made, apple honey from out where she lives and like four pairs of black leggings that should fit me because black leggings go with almost anything.

Then there’s the older family with baskets of things or those christmas bags all sealed up with toiletries, make-up, lots of tubes of lipsticks and eleven bottles of nail polish from different people and a lot of panty hose, stocking too along with combs and brushes.

Mom got me a couple of bedroom sets that are nice from Walmart and some satin pajamas but like the whole anime styled Japanese cherry blossoms and those were wrapped around the boxed set for Shogun the movie and some Disney DVDs specifically all the Lilo and Stitch and Mulan ones.

Dad rounded that out with several other additions to my new collection of Disney movies but more to his taste and he bought me food and booze.

Yeah lots of drink in the family but we never really get sloppy drunk, besides with dad it’s always semi practical things or seasonal. He likes the kits too with the tins and the glasses that come with them he bought the same for me as Denny with a bottle of Irish cream and one of Kahlua and a whole bunch of those mini-mickey shot bottles with things like Grand Marnier, Tia Maria, Amaretto and there’s more but he bought us both food too.

A box of tangerines each, a thing of dates for me and figs for Denny and a big jar of peanut butter each. The peanut butter’s a thing from college and community college for me and the rest is just christmas things.

It was really a great christmas and Johnny’s family came over, and a few friends stopped by which was nice and there were a couple of surprise presents from a few of the guys from my gaming group that didn’t freak out at me.

Patrick bought me some movie posters and a hug and Freddy was nice too with a nice gift card for Bed, Bath and Beyond and he brought me and mom a poinsettia plant each.

It was all unexpected but really nice.

So was Johnny’s mom and dad being cool with me, and they pretty much said like the others that it wasn’t a big shock just a sort of what degree of what was going on and when I’d come out.

And there was teasing Johnny and I over them having thoughts that we’d been hooking up!

Or have been!

But they bought me some nice gift cards and christmas chocolates and I’m a sucker for After-Eight mints because they just seem so fancy and his mom bought me a couple of fun wigs and two longer wigs that were of pretty decent quality according to mom who apparently knows her wigs.

Who knew?

Supper was great and we all over ate and hung out, washed dishes and watched christmas movies and just tried not to move. We managed to get back to my place and the lack of sleep met food and we crashed with Johnny on the couch and me curling up with Denny in my room.

Immediately we hunkered down after christmas and avoided the boxing day sale rush and even the traffic as we just...lived?

Shoveling snow, building dad a snow wall for out at the deck and the grill.

Working on the dresses and New Years outfits took a lot of time and having them all over for fittings and adjustments.

Going with Denny to her gaming group twice.

I made a smuggler girl character and openly played with abandon.

No guy comments, and they were really cool about my transness not being a thing.

Jill was, Jill. Full stop.

Lucy, one of her friends plays a togruta jedi girl and she had a head piece, sort of wig piece made to play in and even did her make-up, which was pretty cool.

And she and Stella this pixie cut black haired gothic jewish girl joined our Champions game loving playing an old vintage RPG set in a vintage computer heroes RPG.

The best parts were the lack of macho gaming bullshit and this whole other perspective and this different attention to details and plot that took over from just the action.

Patrick and Freddie had to up their game with the roleplaying part as the new young heroes had lives and other considerations. A lot of Peter Parker reality in escapism stuff going on. Lucy brought a whole new twist with her character getting her powers in a traumatic car accident that forced the powers out when she was in labor to get herself out of the car she was in.

And she was a super powered single mom.

Never before a thing in our group.

Though Denny made herself an Atlantean character that was a twist off of the Disney movie culture and a bit of Themyscira in the secluded society though this was through magic as her characters people fled before the Greek and Roman Gods.

So that was pretty cool and like I said the guys stepped up a lot. Showered and at least smelling good, less slobby in how their dressed and the language got a bit better too.

Though me as I am now and the breast forms, having boobs threw them for a loop.

The girls had a blast with. “Stop staring at her tits!” with no wins like. “Are her tits better than my tits? Why aren’t you staring at my tits?”

And yeah if you could guess a lot of the torture was from Denny who even cock checked while in character.

It was all fun though.

Even the snacks got better or different too with us getting pizza of course but we have those as the usual but the snacks themselves were things like Sun Chips and really good pretzels from the pretzel store in the Weston Shopping Center.

Johnny was brazen with the fact there were girls here gaming and brought a fruit platter and a veggie snack platter once and we sooo razzed him for it.

I mean I know he did it as a joke but he still got razzed for it.

Then last game Lucy made and brought homemade eggplant parm.

It was cool, all of it was cool.

Denny and I went out shopping after things died out after the whole boxing day thing and it was mostly using the gift cards and that was a lot of things that I never thought about before but needed.

New plates and cutlery, nothing fancy but two matching sets of the four pack glass/ceramic stuff from Walmart for like twenty five dollars each. Two new pillows for my bed not actually knowing you’re supposed to toss them after a few years, a front door mat, bath mat and like a good one not the old fuzzy things.

I felt pretty adult doing those things.

Then there’s the other things while shopping.

Getting looked at, stared at, the guys...men staring at me, checking me out. Yeah that’s not quite as cool as fiction puts out there considering the kind of guys that are doing the staring. Worse is when you know them and they don’t know you and they’re acting like...well just nope, eeew fuck nope.

Though when getting checked out by a hot guy that’s kind of racey.

Billy Porter was back at his spot selling these fiber optic trees and wreaths which was unusual for a christmas tree seller and some other things all set up towards new years plus he was selling these fine mesh bags of garage porri that used evergreen chips and needles and scraps he had from christmas into these hanging air fresheners.

He looks at me for a few minutes. “Jill right? I mean now.”

Oh...ah.. “Uhm...yes, wow I wasn’t expecting to get recognized.”

He smiles and nods. “Joys of Facebook.”

“Ah right, are we friends?”

He shrugs. “I think we have mutuals.”

“You want on my list?”

He shrugs. “Sure.”

We do the phone thing smirking at each other as we’re doing that. I kind of blush a bit. He’s cuter than I remember. Tall, built from working all the time and he’s in jeans and winter work boots and a plaid winter jacket and a tee shirt under that, messy but clean hair under a ball cap and just a little rugged scruff on his face.

I think I like that.

And...and...his crotch is pretty thick.

Oh my I actually went there.

“So New Years stuff?”

“Yeah, I drive truck most times and the trees is a thing for the folks but I kinda went with this whole side business.”

“How’s it going?”

“Actually pretty good.”

“I like the fiberoptic stuff.”

“I can cut you a deal.”

“Really?”

“Yeah why not we went to school together and well giving deals to cute girls is a perk of the job.”

I blush. “You don’t have to say that.”

He nods. “Yeah I don’t but it’s true Jill you’re kind of hot.”

“Billy.” I’m really blushing now and he bags a wreath for me and puts the bag in my hand and holds it for a few seconds where my heart is beating hard.

He’s staring me in the eyes. “My number’s in the bag, call me if you want me to bring a tree over or anything else…”

I uhm...oh… “Ten? Ten tonight after the mall closes?”

“I’ll be there.” There was something so final, heady, heavy in that.

I…

I…

I look at him. “We’re flirting right? I just, I’m y’know...I just want to be sure.”

He smiles at me. “Yeah we’re flirting.”

Then he walks away to wait on some other folks and Denny pulls me away. “Oh hell yes girl, c’mon we’ve got some sexy shopping to do!”

I squeak. “Denny!”

She’s almost dragging me to Victoria’s Secret and she’s grinning. “Jill that man wants to shag you, really badly.”

“Yeah but….”

“Yeah there.”

I go nuclear red. “Denny…”

“Hey, look Jill he’s hot, and he’s into you. Even if this is a booty call this is part of what being a girl is, guys like sex, we like sex, you’re cute as fuck and it’s about time you stopped living as a monk or a nun.”

“I...I just hooked up with Chris not that long ago.”

“And? Seriously you don’t have to be all chaste y’know.”

“I know but I just don’t want to be a bad stereotype.”

“You’re a fucking girl Jill we’re labeled as stereotypes all the time, you might as well be happy. Look I gave up trying that fitting others expectations of me as a girl bullshit years ago.”

I stop and look at her and she’s looking really serious.

We share a hug together. I sigh into it and she says. “Besides, seriously dry spells happen to girl, you’re not going to get these chances as often as they seem.”

“Okay, okay...lead the way.”

Denny pulls me inside and after a really fun, sexy, intense whirlwind she pays with her credit card again.

“Denny...this is a lot.”

“Pay me back when you get paid for the dresses.”

“I will I promise.”

We hit a few more places before going home and I get a big bucket of KFC on the way and then we’re getting things ready.

Make the bed, the new bed stuff washed and dried, the apartment cleaned up and then me getting cleaned up.

Shaved, really finely, a very thorough search of stray hairs and being smooth and Denny adds more color to my hair with a little blue in there now and a lot more platinum like the teens and college girls are doing now and we do my make-up with my eyebrows done right and my lashes and lips.

I love my lips with this smoky light blue lip paint and then sealer and I look, I look like someone else but in a good way, that I’m looking like someone that I want to be.

At least for tonight.

And a black lacy bralette and matching cheekster panties, hairless even down there and tucked and really, really cleaned up and I have a nice robe and slippers.

Lots of condoms different sizes and lube too in the bedroom.

My things, my contribution to this date is making coffee ready in my perk to brew and taking out some of the chicken and putting it in my lasagne dish with the brown paper bag under it all on low heat so it gets crispy again and drains off the grease.

The gravy goes in a pot with a bit of black pepper and I move the mashed potatoes to a microwaveable bowl.

I’m nervous, really nervous as time just seemed to vanish.

And he’s there almost as fast as Denny left.

He has a few boxes with him and one’s big but he cleaned up in this leather jacket and hoodie under it and jeans that so show off his bulge.

Yeah, yeah that’s where my mind’s at.

His look, the look of surprise on his face in a good way really felt nice.

“Wow, Jill, you look amazing.”

“Thanks, I really went all out.”

“It shows, you’re beautiful.”

I blush. “At you’re a flirt Billy.”

“I learned, got tired of being the chubby guy on the sidelines scared of living.”

“How’d that happen?”

“Losing control of the truck I was driving my first year and should have been dead.”

“Really?”

He nods. “Cops had no clue how I survived it, and neither do I so it’s been living for living ever since.”

I smile. “Honestly I can so get that.”

I take the boxes while he takes off his things and when I turn he’s closed the distance and grabbed my face in his fingertips and he’s kissing me.

My brain fogs.

Oh yay...oh holy...yay.

He’s a good kisser and he’s really earnest in his kissing and wonderfully in control of it in this way that I find myself responding to.

I drop my robe.

I like the inhale he gets, the catch in his breath and the way he looks at me as we pull away from the kiss.

“Wow you’re really, really pretty.”

I blush hard. “Lots of illusion Billy, I don’t look like this all the time.”

“But you look like this now and you looked like you this afternoon right?”

“Yes…”

“Well then the wow still stands.”

“Oh….”

“Jill…”

“Yes?”

“Something else is standing too.”

Alright Jill it’s time to take the bull by its horn girl.

I kiss Billy again then sink down to my knees and unbuckle his jeans and pull his cock free of his boxer briefs.

He’s as big as Chris but curved slightly upwards and thicker and uncut with this bulbous big flanged head on it. He’s so, so hard and really hot in my hand.

I put a condom on him that I take out of my bra and I can’t get that much into my mouth but I really try and wrap my lips around the head and work it with my tongue and stroke him with my hands and cup his very big balls.

Billy moans, it’s a deep and delicious sound.

“Oh Jill, oh Jesus, you’re really good at this.”

I pop the head out. “Thanks handsome you’re still one of my firsts.”

“I’m surprised, but that’s actually kind of cool.”

“Mmm hmm…” I say that just with a throaty sound and that makes him moan more and his hands grip my head, fingers slide through my hair.

Which gives me the idea to give him a hummer.

It used to be slang for a blowjob but it actually started just like this, a girl on her knees realizing that she can use vibrations to make things more fun.

There’s that humming song by The Crash Test Dummies that I start humming as I start getting into it more and more.

Yeah, yeah, I really like this.

I don’t know if there’s a division between being gay as a guy or me being straight and trans but here I am liking what I’m doing, liking myself with everything since coming out and no, things aren’t perfect but perfect isn’t real, right?

I’ll save those kind of questions for when I go back to therapy.

Right now, right now this is what I want and I let go and get into it until Billy’s rolling his hips and humming with me and groans. “Jill I’m going to...I’m going to cum…”

The feeling, the excitement is still there, that sensation of his fluid pulsing out of him through my sensitized lips.

His tip’s too big to use my tongue to do the condom swirly thing but I pull off and use my hand to swirl his tip in his hot juices.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck Jill.”

I stroke the rest out of him before pulling the condom off and he’s still sort of looking semi-limp instead of flaccid.

I get up and he sort of guides me his hands slipping from my head and down the sides of my neck making me shiver to my shoulders and then under them as he lifts me up to my feet and I reach out grabbing the bottom of his shirt and lift it up.

There’s this moment where he lifts his arms and the shirt comes up just over his face revealing his nose and mouth where I stop and kiss him over and over, take the opportunity to be brave and slip him my tongue and we kiss like that too until Billy recovers impressively and gets hard again.

We pull his shirt off the rest of the way and I lead him to the bedroom.

He’s built, not like Chris who has that gym guy thing mixed with the office job. Billy’s a big guy, a big guy that has done manual labor a lot of his life so he’s got thickness all over, big broad shoulders and arms but he’s not that too toned and trimmed or cut looking.

I kind of like this, the look and it’s so odd because he’s got a lot more body hair than Chris did and that’s actually alright too.

We kiss again and I take out the condoms and lube from the nightstand and I get onto the bed and give him a very nervous smile as I inch out of my panties.

Unhook my bra, I’m sort of nervous there too and shy of my breast forms.

Billy kisses me. “You’re lovely Jill, stop being nervous.”

“I can’t help that Billy I’m so far from who I want to be.”

“That doesn’t matter to me Jill. Remember I was hitting on you.”

“Even knowing?”

“Yeah even knowing, I think you’re hot, made to be this.”

His hands guide me, roll me over to me on my hands and knees and he takes the lube and starts lubing me slipping in a finger and I gasp and Mmmm as he massages and adds more.

“Made to be?”

“Jill I spend a lot of lonely hours on the road, I’ve had a lot of hookups and some of those were girls just like you.”

“Trans girls.”

“Yeah…”

I shiver as he leans over me and kisses the back of my neck and I feel him pressing into me.

Oh, oh...that’s big, that head does sort of hurt going in stretching me wide and I gasp and shiver as it passes through the entry into me.

His teeth graze my neck as he says. “But you’re still really hot Jill; even if I hadn’t before you’d still have gotten me hard.”

He lifts up from me and grips my hips and sinks in all the way in one push.

It makes me cry out. “Aaaah…” and a shaking inhale from the shock then “Hu-ohhh.”

Big, big, hard, hot, filling me, spreading me, touching all those nerves, making my eyes widen and my lashes flutter involuntarily.

Billy pulls out and the same sounds and then more going inside me...I can’t help it just he’s hitting...everything and so, so hard...hot.

I’m instantly vocal in the first time in my life.

And Billy...as nice as a guy as he’s been he changes, he grips my hips and he fucks me hard, hard deep strokes and he gets really take charge. “That’s it, yeah, that’s a beautiful ass, that’s a beautiful cry, such a sexy fucking sound.”

His speed picks up faster and this steady pace making me...I cum without warning that talk of his taking me over the edge along with those thrusts shaking my body, making my body ripple from his sheer power and strength, making my breast forms sway and bounce and pull on me the sensations are too good and too much the orgasm is the best I’ve ever had and hits me like lightning before the thunder clap.

He doesn’t stop, he just keeps going and going and for the first time I’m so caught up and I’m pushing back.

“Yeah, yeah that’s it Jill ride it, ride that cock...you love it.”

I whine out and pant. “God it’s good, so fucking good Billy, I do, I do, I love that cock of yours.”

We get going a little harder and a lot dirtier sounding and I get off again...again with that deeper inside me thrumming and making me sizzle inside out.

And he gets off as I do...his hips thrusting in hard and his arms reach around to hug me and pull me upwards as we kiss with this over the shoulder kiss. One hand slides down to hold my cock and he strokes me as we kiss and kiss and he’ll move to gnaw on my neck and suck on it, nibble my ear.

I feel him hardening inside me again. He never really got all that flaccid again either and I’m hardening too. He moves as I’m gasping and he hits that good spot and I shiver.

“Oh that’s it, that’s your Jill button is it?”

“Y..yes, oh fuck yes Billy.”

“Here….open it, use your teeth.”

He’s holding a condom and he holds it as I open it as we’re still moving.

He pulls out and that makes me gasp too and he one hands it on and he keeps stroking me until I’m moving against his hand, making me breathe raggedly again.

“That’s it Jill, ride my touch, move, move...feel how good it feels and know that this’ll be the same place as I dip my fingers into your post op tight little pussy.”

I whimper cry but thrust harder crying out more.

Billy gets right in my ear again. “Move, move, move these fingers will be in you.”

He somehow knows, knows that part of my brain that has been quietly starved for me to be set right.

He knows her and he’s vocally fingering her as he knows that I’m getting to that point of no return and he sinks into me as I’m lost to it.

“Reach up, reach up squeeze your titties, close your eyes feel it.”

I scream, not a bad scream but this visceral scream of shock meets pleasure and it ends in this sob as my body starts to quiver around him and I’m clenching as I’m cumming from his stroking me.

Billy takes me further by loosening his grip as I cum. His hand uses it as lube on it as I’m cumming and says throatily in my ear. “You cumming, you’re cumming Jill and I’m rubbing your clitty, rubbing, rubbing, rubbing.”

I second spurt, like that little bit that oozes out usually just got a new burst of contraction and spurted on last time and I sex-sob three times in a row and Billy turns my head and kisses me and we breathe, breathe as we’re forehead to forehead until he starts moving again.

He lays me down and I grip one of my new pillows as he takes my hips again and starts fucking me hard and steady again.

The second time is long, long and steady and I’m lost in it, not moving back that much except for rolling my hips backwards.

He speeds up when he finds the Jill-spot again and begins this whole dedicated fucking me there, probing and nudging, massaging it until I get vocal again and that just makes him do it harder, fuck me there in these fast mini strokes getting me off twice more in those deep climax like feelings and my third is curling my toes as he sped up until he cums.

Billy’s spent and he lays on me resting and he’s really heavy.

It’s kind of nice actually for a little while at least.

He rolls to the side pulling out and that makes me shiver a little and he rolls me over and kisses me.

“That was amazing Jill.”

I’m very dazed, really emotional too. I just nod a few times before I can speak. Part of me could fall hard for him. “I...I’ve never felt like this Billy.”

I’m shaking, literally shaking.

He holds me and kisses me. “You will, you’re pretty cute there’s a lot of guys that won’t care and there’s some guys that will be into you as you are.”

“You must have a lot of girls.”

He just shrugs.

Yeah, he does. “Yeah you do, you’re really good in bed Billy.”

He sort of grins and blushes a little.

“You’re right up there with them Jill.”

Okay, yeah this was a booty call. He came to fuck me.

And I feel….honestly it’s sobering from the flood of feel good doe eyed feeling from a minute ago but I still feel amazing.

I take a breath. “Thank you Billy, you were fucking amazing and I needed this, needed the confidence.”

He gives me this roguish smile and then he hugs me.

We stay like that for a bit just hugging and holding each other and we even doze for a little bit until I can’t take the sticky bed mess.

“We should shower and I need to clean up the bed.”

He rolls out of bed and helps me up and stripping the bed and putting things in the trash and we do go and shower. God, seriously I feel so fucked, so touched deep inside and it’s not going away. I like this feeling.

It’s just showering and my breast forms come off and while still showering it’s still really great.

Having someone wash your back is great and Billy washes my hair and massages my scalp and you know it feels great and so is being able to lean on him.

God there’s just so many little things.

I get dressed after and into more of the things from Victoria’s Secret since things come in pairs or threes. And I use a gaff as well and clean and reset my breast forms while Billy’s actually gone out to the living room and he’s taking down my tree and setting up the things he’s brought. I do some more make-up too and sway out feeling pretty okay.

It’s funny that I’ve this little bit of a high from this physically and there’s this little braggy feeling when I’m doing the wash. There’s something about having laundry from having sex that says that I had sex.

I don’t think that it’s some fetishy thing but it’s more like maybe me being me is letting me do stuff that I wasn’t me enough to do.

I go outside and go check on the reheating chicken and getting things like the gravy heated up and the mashed potatoes as well plus dig out the pasta salad and coleslaw.

It might be a booty call but I’m still going to be a good hostess.

Besides, if any guy just earned a meal in my book it’s Billy.

I make coffee and bring us two cups. “There’s milk or cream and sugar if you want it.”

“No black’s best for me Jill heck I don’t drink even that much coffee even driving.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah it gets old fast after a couple of years.”

“So what do you drink?”

“Water usually, there’s a lot of coffee and pop and that’s all hard on the system especially sitting for so long. You’re not up and moving around either.”

“Never thought about that before.”

I drink mine a little milk for mine this time but I drink coffee each time according to my mood at the time and I help Billy get the decorations off and my few ornaments and he sets the tree in the back of his truck with the wreath and I sweep and vacuum up and he sets up the fiber optic wreath in my door window and then the tree and as a bonus Billy has these blue and white icicle lights and he staples them up into the tops of my walls up by the ceiling and it looks good all lit up together.

And I’m grateful too that’s another mile that he went even after we had sex.

“That looks great Billy, you didn’t have to do all of this.”

“I wanted to, I seen this from another customer of mine and I thought that I’d get the lights and bring them over.”

“How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing at all Jill.”

I kiss him again. “You’re a sweet guy Billy.”

He kisses me back. “Took me awhile Jill, but thanks.”

I let that go. Billy was like me not so popular in high school and was pretty much a loner in his own ways so I can imagine there’s a lot of stuff there. And I’m leaving it there because he is and sometimes it’s actually better to leave things in your dust.

“I hope you’re hungry I got food on the chance you would be hungry afterwards.”

He smiles broadly. “I’ve been smelling it all night but I didn’t want to invite myself.”

“Well you’re invited.”

We settle in and get our food and settle in and I put on a DVD watching Snatch the movie with Brad Pitt and Jason Statham and all those other folks and the diamond.

He heads out after that a few kisses to say goodbye and he’s gone before dawn and I settle on my couch and read some comics before Denny shows up wanting details.

I give her all the details and we talk for hours about it all me and Billy and her night with this guy I never even knew she hooked while we were at the mall called Mark and she spent the night at his place. He’s a black guy and Denny was very explicit in how good he held up at least the physical stereotypes. I have to admit that I was interested, I’d never really thought about guys like that honestly I’m still getting used to even me with men as a thing.

One thing though it was a lot of fun actually and we bond over things that we like in guys and feelings and being open to being ourselves for ourselves and even end up crashing for a few hours together.

I love my sister, I’m actually rediscovering her and she’s becoming so much closer than just my best friend.

She’s my sister and that’s becoming such a strong thing.

We spend the day finishing sewing and doing the last bits on the dresses and some other things and just hang out. It’s tunes and we dance a little too now and then learning new tunes and just having fun all day and recovering from our nights.

Denny heads off to work the next day and I head out myself going for a drive over to Jeanette who called and asked me to meet her and bring my sewing things.

“All my things?”

“Well like stuff for like serious fixes, please?”

“Okay where?”

She gave me an address over in Cottonville and we met at a Dunkin Doughnuts and we drive to this club on the edge of town at a place called Peaches in Cream. A definite trans bar, well a drag club.

She helps me with my stuff and inside there’s a girl that’s in tears and she’s got other girls around her. It looks like a wedding shower...There’s a wedding dress and it’s torn.

I’ve no idea what happened but she looks just shattered.

Jeanette says. “I got her, Jill’s here.”

Oh, oh they’re all looking at me like I’m a savior and I set the things aside and go over to look at her and the dress.

“Hi honey I’m Jill can I see your dress?”

(Sniffle.) “I’m Alice.”

“Like Wonderland or Resident Evil?”

She nervous laugh cries. “Oh god you’re the first person that’s ever asked me that. Ideally uhm...both?”

“I’m a total geekette, now let’s see what happened?”

There’s a gaggle of reports and from what I gather Alice was modeling her dress and she caught it on a nail that was sticking out of a post

And that either no one would fit her in to fix it or would charge serious money to fit it.

I take it and look it over and it’s a good slice and I’m pretty sure that I can fix it.

“I can fix this, no problem.”

Alice sits up wiping her tears away with mascara stained fingers. “What? (sniffle) you can?”

I smile getting my keys. “I have this fabric home, this is pearl faux satin that I’m using in some of my New Years dresses. I’ll be right back, promise.”

I drive back and I bring the whole thing with me and some other bits that I think might be useful and head back and I can tell they’ve all been waiting with baited breath and I set everything up with my machine and get started replacing out the panel that was cut and give Alice back a fixed and whole dress again.

There’s cheers and hugs and tears and congratulations.

Alice hugs me really tight and hard. “Oh god Jill thank you! Thank you! How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing consider it a wedding present.”

She stares, they all do and I’m mobbed again.

Jeanette hugs me. “You’re damned good people Jill.”

“Hey even before I figured out that I’m supposed to be one of the girls I couldn’t leave a damsel in distress.”

I’m invited to stay for the rest of the bridal shower and I’ve never been to one before and never been to one for women like me.

There’s booze and we all hand over keys to Charlene the bartendress.

I like that word.

There’s lots of things that are just normal and still fun, fun like most of us never had. We all get candy necklaces and ring pops and I’ve never worn either and then there’s sex games pictionary with a lot of racy fun, then there’s poker with dirty cards of really good looking male studs on them and more racy comments, sex talk, talking about guys and sex and that got deep and drunkenly deep and intimate with me asking questions about that whole other orgasm thing.

Gurlgasm, Transgasm, Sissygasm...tons of names but yeah it’s real and apparently it’s direct stim to what helps make seminal fluid and even the muscles around it to shoot. And it’s that pulsing flex that is the feeling of a multiple orgasm.

And according to Lisette it’s something that can be trained, that you can learn or teach your body new erogenous things.

There’s talk of hormones and blockers and changes, and working to exercise and body shape yourself...the quest for curves.

I literally write stuff down like that who quest for curves thing, and some others ideas too in between drinks and shooters and more drinks.

I like the gifts too, sexy things, fun things, even fun and practical things like a swear jar that’s for date nights.

I love Alice going on about Zack her guy and that he’s a good guy, that he’s straight and that he sees her as a real woman. I love the thought, knowing that normal is possible.

I got pretty drunk and having a lot of fun with the girls and things kind of get to a bit of a blur and I can remember someone walking me while I was staggering and being in a vehicle because I can remember dash lights and the heater on full blast knocking me out even more.

I wake hungover.

It’s pretty bad really, dry, dry and dry with a headache to go with it.

It’s been awhile for me being this hungover I drink but I rarely drink to this state and while I really don’t regret doing things last night I’m kind of regretting having so much to drink.

I hear my Xbox going and I think I hear someone playing Elder Scrolls.

I haul myself from my bed and sitting up takes effort. I’m still mostly dressed and I pull off my things and get undressed and slip into a robe and I head outside slowly.

Johnny’s there and goddess bless him he has the curtains blocking the daylight and he’s cooking? Okay I know that he can cook a little but this looks like more there’s something in my oven and he has store bought fresh pasta and he’s actually peeling carrots and there’s some other veggies there too and there’s something cooking down in my only big pot.

He looks at me and gives me this goofy smile. “Wow you look like you blew a clown.”

“Hey! Eeew fuck off Johnny, that’s rude.”

He sniggers and passes me a coffee and a package of Midol.

“Midol?”

“Denny’s idea it’s like Aspirin or Tylenol but it has also like anti-nausea meds in it too.”

“Oh that, that kids of makes sense.”

He nods. “Yeah and I’m so going to be stealing that idea for things like the flu too.”

I look at him as I pop two out of the pods and take them. “You’d do that?”

He nods. “I already use the whole secret spray deodorant.”

“Really?”

He nods. “It comes in baby powder scented so I use it with stuff that kind of needs that and well who’s going to complain about baby powder?”

I drink some more coffee. “The guys that need to label things for men and have names like black lightning.”

Johnny says. “Well I’m not that insecure I’ll take my Irish Spring and my Zest and keep using the spray on my work boots and other funky places.’

“Dude you are a funky place.”

“You weren’t saying that last night Jill.”

“Oh my god did we do something?”

“No, well not from you not trying, you were being very kissable.”

I blush and cover my face in my hand. “I’m going to go and get cleaned up and shower can the gory details wait until I feel a little more human?’

He nods. “I can do that.”

I go and wash, not just shower but wash with the whole cold cream kind of thing and get all the old slept in make-up off before going in and showering and actually pulling what Chris did with killing the cold water near the end and aiming the really hot water at the wall and steaming myself.

I get dried off and head to my room wrapped in towels and then get dressed.

I wear my old oversized Hulk t-shirt and I match that with a pair of lavender panties and a gaff and a pair of my oldest and most worn grey sweatpants and I put on some wool socks and head out to the living room and kitchenette.

Johnny smiles at me and he passes me a toasted fried baloney sandwich.

I know it sounds like it’d be hell on a hangover but it’s something that we both came up with years ago just in the course of being friends. Dark rye bread that has been toasted in the frying pan with a little butter on the inside of the sandwich first and then fried bologna that gets to sit in paper towel to drain and then there’s the sauce which is Hellman's, whole grain mustard, honey mustard all together with pepper added and that’s all put on the bread with two slices of Swiss cheese and then once it’s altogether it’s butter a little on the outside and fry toasted like a grill cheese.

There’s something about dark rye being pan fried until crispy and crunchy that does something for me and a hangover it’s kind of in that sort of same realm as black toast and tea maybe.

We both eat the same thing as we move to the living room and the couch and I can sort of smell stuff in my pot simmering away that doesn’t smell half bad.

“What are you cooking?”

He chews and actually swallows before just going ahead and talking. “Chicken soup.”

“Chicken soup?”

“Yeah I figured that you feel bad enough for soup.”

I look and him and pull my feet up on the couch. “Yeah, maybe but for me?”

“Yeah you.”

“You never cooked soup for me before.”

“Yeah well you’re out and stuff so yeah.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means the sick girl gets soup.”

“So just because I’m a girl.”

He takes another bite this time talking. “Glad you got it.”

“So you’re treating me different because I’m a girl?”

He rolls his eyes. “Yes, and stop trying to pick a fight, you’re not on hormones yet Jill you’re just wigging out because it’s me doing it instead of some other guy.”

We end up staring at each other for a bit and I nod and shrug. “You’re probably right.”

“Of course I’m right.”

“Because you’re a guy?”

“Because I know you and this is you feeling sick and wanting to bitch, you do that, you always have.”

I sigh and start eating my sandwich. “Well thank you, I actually appreciate it. I don’t know how to deal with how I feel about it but I appreciate it.”

“Eat your snickers Jill.”

I give him a look and I eat and do it slowly letting the sandwich fill the hangover void and I end up laying on my side watching Johnny play and he looks at me.

“Game of Thrones?”

“Okay.”

He switches things off and sets up his laptop and he starts playing it with the show before the ones we missed and at one point he moves his leg and pulls my feet under his leg as he passes me the blanket and sort of covers me.

Yeah he is treating me different...and yet not, I mean...I don’t know honestly It’s like Johnny’s good with all of it and seems to be handling me. him, us better than me.

Or my hangover is making me feel off and sulky.

He’s actually really good to me which isn’t fair.

Because we can’t.

He’s my best friend and that could get so messed up and go so sideways.

But gosh that soup.

Roasted chicken and he pulled off the meat when it was done and he put the wings of course on a saucer for me to pre-nibble.

In my family eating the wings off of a roasted chicken or turkey is like licking the batter or icing bowl.

But he pulled off all the meat and that went into the pot and he roasted the bones and the skin longer before putting the bones in and he floated the roasted skin on the top of the bowl when he got me some.

Roasty chickeny soup with really chopped fine celery and the white bits of green onions and parsley and there was herbs and some spices and carrots too and tender chicken in it with egg noodles...all long and slow cooked for me.

I mean we have always helped each other out with hangovers and things but this is… I’m such a girl somehow pulling off happy-sulky.

I’m sort of saved by Denny showing up and helping herself and joining in with watching Game of Thrones.

Dany and I kind of have the same hair color.

Johnny points out that it’s true but I have Cersei's haircut.

It’s still kind of fun even if all I do is eat soup and watch TV and sit on my butt all day right up to me ending up falling asleep.

He’s gone when I woke up.

Which was kind of a let down.

And a relief?

And things start getting busy too for me which is good but it’s a little crazy.

There’s the dresses for New Years from the girls that ordered things and then there’s shipping out a lot of the stuff I made with Alice’s friends and some of their friends buying in force and I’m getting orders and inquiries for more things or alterations.

Things get shipped out and things get picked up and Denny and I end up going out for New Years with a cab because we’re going to be drinking.

I dress up for the weather and that’s in a winter theme too and it’s actually good that it’s warm because it’s actually pretty cold out and blowing but no snow.

I made myself a Disney princess like dress with lace and floral embroidery in silver with like vines if vines were silver roses and light blue crushed velvet and the long sleeves with the lace cuff trains and a hood because it’s cold out and things but also a corset like trunk with ribbon for laces in the back and I match that with these really awesome snowflake thigh high socks that are light blue and silvery flats for when I’m inside.

I wasn’t looking for hooking up and kinda stayed clear of that but I did drink and Denny and I did have fun.

We went to several parties of her friends and we went to Jeanette’s place where I think Denny hooked up with a girl in the bathroom because she was like super flushed and well Jeanette’s was Jeanette’s so actually a lot of fun with catered food again and a DJ and lots of dancing.

I really like the whole little bites menu there too and there was also nothing there that was too saucy or messy in case of spills.

Seriously some good eats like butter fry-toasted mini-bagels with cream cheese and dill and a little bit of shrimp with shaves of smoked salmon on it.

I thought about going to Alice’s party but it’s another town over so yeah nope on that especially drunk and taking a cab.

We do end up Skyping though with a bunch of folks during the party which was actually pretty awesome. I mean Skype’s been around for a while now but I don’t really use it so actually having this happen as a thing everyone was kind of doing at Jeanette’s party was kind of neat.

And actually with the people there that I knew it was one of the best New Year’s Eve parties that I had been to in a long long time.

New Year’s Day was pretty danged good too with our gaming group and a few other friends going out and off spending the time driving between towns and eating out as we go between one movie theater to another as a group of about twelve of us and see all the stuff that we want to see starting with a matinee.

It’s cooler than I thought it could be.

My friends are very cool with me being me.

Even the next day wasn’t that bad of a hangover.

And life kept going on.

The biggest thing was getting over Christmas while being out and through New Years too was like getting over this big sort of life hump.

I mean the people that hated me were still hating on me. Well on a personal level it dropped off since the holidays were over even assholes usually have real world lives to get back to.

Online trolls I ignore mostly because well I’m not online too much.

And they’re online.

You cannot take anon hate and assholes seriously, you can’t take bigots and transphobes seriously.

Not that I’m political but when it comes to that stuff so very little of fighting it online between posting people is going to going to do a damned thing.

Save it for a blog, or petitions or write actual letters to organizations and politicians.

Well in theory.

Me I’m pretty busy actually re-starting my life and finding out who I am. which is lots of therapy and I’m actually pretty glad that I have the therapist that I do because some of the stuff we do is online. I go to her office and things sure but in between that there’s e-mailing and Skype with her in follow-ups and I even end up with a Live Journal with my own as a sort of literal journal she can read because she’s on my friends list and there one where I’m in a trans hosted group that has several therapists in it.

So we talk and we post and we share stuff. I know you can do that stuff on other social media but this is with a much stronger like therapy group session and bend.

And well after January is February and that means Valentine’s day.

Normally I don’t like it.

Kind of forced and kind of just.

I don’t know you feel sort of penalized for being alone.

Or that’s how it’s always sort of felt.

Well this year was different and from a girls perspective you can be hurt by it or do what Denny does and lean into it.

Seriously, Valentines and chocolates and indulging in red velvet noms.

And even sort of girly family stuff too like Mom and us getting together to make homemade chocolates. No they’re not professional at all and just those Dollar Tree plastic molds and everything but it was fun and a break for us in everything.

Even just hanging out and us all watching sappy rom-coms.

And Dad and Johnny were pretty cool too with actually getting us valentines and flowers and candy too.

Chris sent me a really nice card and a Sephora gift card which was really nice of him and it came with yellow roses.

Yeah we’re not romantic and haven’t been together since but it was a really nice gesture and a really big bouquet and I saved them and pressed them.

They were this really awesome shade so I took some fabric and laid them out and I pressed them.

I don’t even know how it’ll turn out but I get pressed flowers to keep and I might get a cool fabric print out of it.

Denny and her Renfair friends and crowd and our gaming crowd and the cosplay crowd it’s a whole different thing.

And again I’m kind of busy.

Seriously.

And the goth kids, like wow.

Hearts and blood red, silks and satins and lace, roses and all sorts of stuff that I never dreamed of and had a clue about honestly.

Denny’s usually setting stuff up and taking orders and I’m sewing my but off but as hard as that is it’s kind of cool.

I’m a hardcore geekette and making cosplay stuff even for like private parties and dances is really interesting and fun.

Mom even ends up coming aboard to help sew things just so we can fill orders that we have and we deliver things for finishing touches and alterations.

Which kind of gets around.

“Call Jill and Denny they will help you out and fix stuff in a pinch.”

So suddenly we’re actually running a business.

And then there’s honestly all the transition stuff passing me by fast.

It’s just like one day I have my papers.

Then another day I’m getting my bloods done.

And then it was getting my scripts for my estrogen and progesterone and my blockers.

It just seems to go fast.

Which is good.

Johnny’s a life saver too.

I mean we’re still friends and it’s changing a lot but it’s better?

And yeah there are times when he sort of makes me sigh.

Like when I’m really into something and working and designing something like my castle dress...tower and turret bodice with sort of white stone like prints and the waist is the same but with fancy arch windows and people doing things in the scenes of those windows and the skirt is the gardens of the castle with all these scenes playing out with some stone work and ivy embroidery and drawings of garden goers printed out and fairies.

LOL see what I mean just talking about it.

Well he’d come over with supper, sometimes with take out like pizza and KFC which is still a fave or he’d cook.

Which I’m still getting used to.

He takes care of me more than I even thought or noticed before.

I mean he’s still John, Johnny and he still does stuff that just so...him. and he’s still a goof and a lot of fun and we’re still best friends but there’s a lot more to him as a man than I ever noticed before.

Like he’s a hard worker.

Johnny’s always been the dreamer but one of those go getter types of dreamers.

Taking extra shifts where he works, like how he takes other odd jobs too like working with a snow removal company one that he set up sort of with one of his other friends.

When we were kids he collected empties and used that to buy gaming stuff ever before we were old enough to get real jobs.

Now it’s more of the adult stuff like the extra work and trying to make a buck here and there.

But yeah...more.

More responsable too and really, really supportive.

Like when I go and get face zapped, that’s hard because I can’t shave and then it’s feeling so much not like Jill.

And I like me.

I like being Jill but there’s nothing like friggin beard garbage to get you feeling really dysphoric.

No matter how much other stuff has changed.

So when that stuff hits he’s there, he knows when I’m doing it and that sometimes it just hurts a lot.

So he’ll come over and we’ll chill. or he’ll chill me out from me feeling like a ugly troll.

When I have the fuzzies or zapp burns on my face.

And that trips me up into hating other parts of my body.

And…

And...it leaves me thinking about him.

In that very possibly messing up a life long friendship way.

I mean when he comes over and he brings dessert from one of the bakeries in town and he makes supper for us which is usually something really good like and I need because I don’t eat in the dysphoria funk.

I mope and I hide if I’m left to my own devices.

Like just this last time he did all of that.

He came over with an unbaked apple pie and with it he brought a pot roast of beef that he had already marinated and stuff. I mean it just hit me right in the feelings. Johnny bringing over something like that and making drinks which were Kahlua drinks with that and some vodka and he made boozy chocolate milkshakes with ice cream.

Johnny got me to pick a movie on pay-per-view and while that was going on the apartment filled up with the smells of him cooking. Searing the roast in my cast iron frying pan then adding onions and mushrooms and then it all went into my dutch oven with carrots and potatoes and other veggies and he made pan gravy from the cast iron pan and stuff and poured it over that with like fresh herbs and things.

Then it was watching the movie with our boozy chocolate shakes and a comforter hot from my dryer.

He didn’t mind being close to me.

And more than best friends close but me actually being guy with girl close and leaning on him, sharing the blacket.

And that made me feel a lot better and less lonely.

I mean that’s awesome.

He’s pretty awesome.

But that left me with a kind of other funk when he’d end up going home.

I think I might have been obvious in my moping over this or something else that had Denny finally just look at me the morning after my funk of him leaving.

She sat there with a coffee and passed me one and I just sipped at it while lying in bed.

“You gotta bite the bullet Jill.”

“Huh?”

“John...you have to tell him you are into him.”

“I can’t what if I fuck things up?”

She blew some hair out of her face in that sort of semi-exasperated way.

“You’re doing that now.”

“How?”

“Uhm...duh he’s into you.”

“Into me.”

Denny nodded. “Into you, look I might suck at being with guys and most of those relationships crashed and burned but I know when a guy wants to fuck.”

“Denny! Jesus!”

She kept going and pointed at me with her cup. “And I know when a guy is serious too. John is serious Jill, he’s not dating...well he’s not dating anyone but you.”

“But we’re best friends.”

“You’re supposed to marry and fall in love with your best friend sometimes Jill.”

“...................”

“...................”

I looked at her. “And you’re so sure of this?”

“Yeah, seriously guys don’t take that kind of care with their friends. Even girls that are just friends don’t get that kind of care Jill. John likes you, he more than likes you if you ask me.”

I can remember me staring at her for a long time.

We didn’t really talk about it after that, well that day but Denny did keep bringing it up.

And so the more I noticed.

And the more nervy I got sometimes when it came to me and him sometimes and especially when I had my ugly days.

I spent money too, seriously upping when I was going to get electrolysis.

I mean it’s not like I was doing the max of an hour per appointment but once a week before that but like once every two weeks sometimes three before I could get the cash to go. And I went through the gift certificates of course first.

I went without drinking and without junk food or take-out coffee to pay for the extra sessions.

And well worked a lot of hours getting things made and sold.

Thankfully I did get a lot of custom orders.

March is not just St. Paddy’s but for me it’s like this whole cosplay kind of celtic season.

And the weather’s shifting so orders started coming in for Renfairs and for events in the spring and summer.

Celtic dresses, well celtic everything and I made and sold a bunch of blouses in that white warrior style or the soft tan colors and made leather mini-skirts and pleated war shirts and even these baldric sort of tartan mini skirts for fantasy wear.

I try really hard to get that out of my head.

But being actually interested in my best friend.

And on all of my hormones.

And really sure that I’m a straight trans girl or Bisexual but leaning towards men it’s just.

Frustrating.

And it’s anxiety inducing too.

Plus he’s working more and more and he’s away more and more lately.

Denny helps.

I mean not with her kind of pushing the idea every now and then but with other stuff like work but other stuff like getting me out of the house and out to games.

The girls really are lifesavers.

Terri and Nikki are always up for a little girl time or fun or just to geekette out and game. They’re pretty much like me with their own lives with some home and family drama and sex and personal lives that are definitely like mine and sort of in limbo.

Which is kind of a thing for trans girls more often than not or we get the kind of attention that we don’t want.

I seriously don’t know how I keep getting chasers trying to friend me and message me on Facebook.

And Jeanette is awesome and steady and true.

She’s the oldest too and married and the most stable of all of us trans girls and she’s just plain funny too.

And very interested in my business and how things are going and she’s pretty supportive of all of us.

Which we kind of need as we sort of look at her and her life as a kinda sort of someday of possible.

Astrid isn’t around too much with her getting a new job and with it a new guy too all at the same time. But Denny’s friend Amy and her wife moved back to the area leaving Vegas and they bought a nice bit of property after doing alright out there hustling tons of overtime and a lot of crappy but high paying jobs in various casinos.

Amy is pretty great looking but her wife Jennifer is a stunning looking hispanic woman with a lot of amazing curves hugging her long lean body.

She’s nice and funny and sweet.

And not just a tabletop gamer but a Transformers fan.

Like hardcore, she knew stuff like I didn’t even know about. Like this comic with LGBT+ characters called Dumbing of Age just because they had characters into transformers and wrote slash fiction.

I like her, she’s funny and really cool about all of us trans girls.

Her and Amy started their own business too with them buying a place and Jenn starting her own auto-body shop. They geared themselves to doing jobs for women that weren’t inflated in price and they also sort of cornered the girl motorheads in town and around the area because like getting things fixed if they wanted cool stuff for their cars they had to deal with assholes who went from sexiat to condescending.

Amy ran a headshop out the side of it selling car swag and car and motorcycle swag and that was pretty cool and she made t-shirts and skateboard blanks.

We all pitched in to help them get set up which saved them on hours and painters and a lot of other stuff. I was surprised that they thought of the tall chain link fence they put in when they had the parking lot repaved or the serious metal security doors and cameras and even the heavy plexiglass.

It’s the Midwest and while Alderville isn’t hillbilly central there’s a lot of assholes that would try and mess with them.

So yeah all of that stuff and lot’s of cameras and signs informing them of being on camera.

Jenn had a lot of those tinted bubble cameras too so you can’t see where they’re scanning or pointed at.

We know that struck nerves with assholes that would have done more because there was a lot of litter and stuff just around their lot on a street that really doesn’t get that much traffic.

It was a pretty good distraction honestly and it gave me ideas if I ever went bigger.

I still get some online hate from former friends but all in all my life’s quiet.

I think part of that is because anyone that might harass me home would have to do it with my folks right there and all of their neighbors.

And the neighbors are pretty cool with me being me.

I mean regardless of some conservative types and religious people and others like that hate it’s 2018 and even if people aren’t full on allies they have LGBT+ people in their families.

That and I’ve known them almost literally all of my life.

But still it was a lot of ideas.

You know just in case.

Alice and Jeanette both steered a whole bunch of bunny request outfits for Peaches and Cream the drag club and Alice definitely liked her cosplay even if a lot of it was for her job.

I ended up making her not just the bunny tail underpants but a modified mini-skirt she could fasten around the tail and even white leather pants. I also contrived a faux fur vest that fitted with a faux-gold chain clasp that she was going to wear with a white lace bustier and fingerless faux fur gloves and she loved it all.

And that got a few other fur play orders in too.

We’re definitely busy.

And it was just before summer that things in my life shifted and changed again.

Me and Mom and Denny had finished up a bunch of things and I was getting ready to be done for the night and John showed up.

Johnny.

I hadn’t seen him that much at all just for like the last month or so it’s nearly been like all him and me talking online.

He looked good.

He looked really good, handsome even and I missed him.

He gave Mom and Denny a smile and he looked at me and smiled too. “Busy?”

“I wasn’t planning on anything it’s kind of late.”

“You want to go for a drive?”

“Sure just let me get my jacket and purse.”

I went upstairs and I was kind of nervous it just sort of felt like more.

Like something was going on.

I peeled out of my clothes super fast as I cranked my shower going and took a really fast shower and then some deodorant and some body spray and got into some clean clothes.

Yeah, yeah it could be nothing but it.

I’d been working all day.

And yeah even sewing it was all day and then some for me it was like a fourteen hour day by the time I had Fedex pick everything up that was going out.

I had such the girly moment in trying to decide what to wear so in the end I decided on one of the old fifties era dresses that I had. Short sleeves with a denim blue look with stripes in the pattern and a v-neck and a cinched waist.

That and flats.

I grab my coat and my purse and I lock the door and head downstairs to meet him there and…

He’s looking up at me and his face goes from Johnny normal and friendly to this sweet smile that has me slow to a pause at the bottom of my stairs and feel very self conscious.

There’s part of me that just.

Catherine, Chris, Billy...No one’s looked at me like that. No one’s face changed when they seen me, not like that.

Johnny fortunately saves me from a hugely awkward freeze moment by taking my hand and leading me around to the passenger side of his car.

That had me blinking and surprised but I didn’t stop him.

“Johnny?”

He opened the car door. “Ladies first?”

“Thank you.” I slip into the seat and he closes the door behind me like a gentleman and I can smell the car being clean. Like really, really clean and it’s shiny inside and looks really nice.

There’s a nice blanket over stuff in the back seat too?

Johnny gets in and we drive and we head out of town and drive of all places over to The Giant’s Toe.

I’m looking at him because it’s late and well it’s closed.

“John? What are we doing here?”

“We’re here to see our new place.”

“What?”

“Here, I bought it.”

“Bought it...like outright?”

He nods. “Outright, it needs a lot of work Jill and I’m willing to do it but I need a partner.”

“And you want me? I’m broke.”

“I want you because you’re amazing.”

I blush. “John….”

He’s looking at me. “No you are, listen to me, you are and I’ve known that for a long time Jill. We’ve been friends forever but since you’ve stopped pretending you’ve really, really shined.”

“Johnny...that sounds like more than just friend stuff.”

He looks me right in the eyes. “That’s because I want this to be more than just friend stuff. God Jill I’ve been trying to do this for months but every time you just pull away.”

“I’m scared, I like you too but I don’t want to lose you. This stuff if it goes badly it kills friendships.”

He gives me the sweetest and kindest smile. “Jill, people fall in love with their best friends all the time.”

“Fall in love?”

He blushes this time. “Pretty sure, pretty sure it was the first time you fell asleep on me.”

I…

Well….dang… What can a girl say to that?

“This is crazy Johnny, you’re crazy.”

“Yeah well I thought that was already firmly established.”

I smile and almost laugh I can’t help it honestly.

Johnny looks at me and takes out the keys. “Come on and look it over with me.”

I hold out my hand and he drops the keys in them and we get out of his car and he gets a bakery box out of the back of the car from under the blanket and a grocery bag with things in it and we head to the store.

I open the doors and it’s kind of sad.

I hadn’t been here since the last time with Denny and it’s empty except for some of the things that the old owners didn’t want to take with them like shelving and hooks and posters and there are boxes of really old and worthless comics like the stuff from free comic book day and other things that really never had value or are just like in bad shape that they’re not valuable.

Still though.

“And you bought this?”

“Yeah.”

“How?”

“Back taxes mostly. Seriously Jill these guys ran it into the ground and it needs a lot of work and fast.”

“Fast?”

“I’ve six months to bring the building up to code or they wreck it and I get some of my money back and they either sell the lot or more likely look to make parking.”

I turn and stare at him and I can’t help it. I burst out laughing…this, this is so Johnny.

“And you want me in of course and you want to go out with me too?”

He blushes. “Okay yeah well I was going to break the have to fix and fast later….but I still feel the way that I feel about you Jill.”

We’re quiet for a minute with me still trying to take this all in and he’s doing something around the counter with wires and things and then he looks at me. “Want to see the rest of the place?”

“Rest of it?”

“Come on, I have some cool ideas.”

I roll my eyes because well he’s still Johnny and he offers me his hand and I take it and he walks me through the place and it’s actually pretty big.

“Heating the place will be a pain Johnny.”

“Not too bad I don’t think and it’s old hot water heat my Uncle Tim’s going to check it all out.”

“Really that’s cool of him.”

He shrugs. “He’s pretty cool and it’s important to me, plus I think my family really wants this to work.”

He takes me out back and apparently this was something else before a comic shop and it has a loading dock. And he’s grinning….

I look at him. “Why so smug?”

“We have a loading dock for your shop.”

“My shop?”

“There’s a whole floor upstairs Jill we can put Damsels upstairs for you to work in and we can ship stuff out a whole lot easier from a business like this than from your parents place.”

Okay, okay that’s true.

“Show me the upstairs.”

And there’s stairs in the back as well as to the basement back here and when we get up there it’s full of boxes and things mostly from the comic shop and the owner and his predecessors but there’s a really decent amount of floor space here and I could definitely completely re-do how I’m doing things here.

Dammit...this might work at least for the my business.

“Damsels?”

“It’s a good name for your shop plus people are already saying that about you being able to save the day for all these girls so...Damsels.”

I actually smile. “Okay I like that.”

I like it because it does sound nice and I think a lot of my customers will like it.

“What about the shop? You know gaming shops don’t exactly do well here right?”

Johnny makes his irritated face. “Yeah I know and that’s not because of the games or the comics but because of mismanagement. Like comics, way too much over ordering for a few titles that no one really picks up and you know that vendors don’t like to take comics back and won’t with some titles. Seriously I think there’s like tons if that stuff here.”

I nod because this stuff and our gamery anger at good places closing was kind of a life long rant share for us and our friends.

“Then what’s going to bring them in?”

“The hobby, we get the swag in the toys, the fandom stuff, the offhand good stuff like Dr. Who and we get cardboard crack in and we get in gamers with a space for them to game in so that the lookie-loos don’t interrupt and get all snotty.”

Okay I’m nodding again, see gaming shops live off those that almost live in their shops. They love their hobbies, they love spending time here away from home and other stuff even if it’s just to talk shop. And Johnny can talk shop.

Oh and Cardboard Crack is slang for Magic the Gathering the card game. And it’s called that because of its fan base and how the players will drop serious coin on things from it. Like an addiction.

“Okay, I’m in but really in. And I want Denny to have a shot of being in on this too.”

He grins as we’re heading downstairs. “Fine with me I’m cool with Denny.”

“Good because she has a whole other crowd of people that are into gaming and hobbies like that especially the cosplayers and things.”

“Like I said cool by me.”

“And we have to be LGBT+ friendly a big chunk of my business is in the community and we need spaces like this too.”

Johnny nods and he gets two of the stools the staff left here and sets them up by the counter and says. “We could do that and more.”

“More?”

“We could do Pride. I mean it’s small here but we could do like a Pride week and show some community support.”

He takes the box he brought with him out and there’s a cake inside with like old school with two layers and boiled frosting which I know that he knows is my favorite and he takes out a carton of milk and two tall plastic glasses and smiles.

“Close your eyes.”

“Okay...this better not be weird.”

“It’s not.”

I can hear him doing things and then I hear the flick of a lighter.

“Oh great so this is your idea? Burn the place down for insurance money?”

“Ha, ha, ha funny Jill, funny.”

I can’t help it but I’m smiling.

Then he turned on music from somewhere.

It’s old, kind of jingling sounding and the words are really familiar too.

80’s?

I feel Johnny close and I can smell his aftershave and cologne and him and all in a good way.

I feel him putting something on my head too it’s light and not a hat.

A tiara?

“Hey open your eyes Jill.”

I open my eyes and the place is lit up around us by those white and blue dangle string Christmas lights and by all the candles on the cake.

I’m wearing a circle of flowers and he’s smiling at me.

“We couldn’t sit on the counter and I wasn’t sure about the floor but Happy Birthday Jill.”

I…

Honestly I’d forgotten all about it and it was today well tomorrow...no today it’s after midnight.

And the song and the cake and what he said.

I almost tear up as he kinda made the end scene of Sixteen Candles for me.

It’s not perfect but I don’t care.

I’m in a dark place with really sweet lighting and there’s a cake and candles and I’m getting to be Molly Ringwald in a movie that I honestly loved before I came out even to myself and he knows that.

He knows me.

He smiles at me...just for me.

I do the hand thing to my chest and mouthing ~Me?~ like in the movie.

Johnny nods and he points to me nodding and smiling like Jake in the movies mouthing ~Yeah You.~

He gets closer and we’re leaning over the cake and the candles and my heart is hammering with all these feelings like all of my changes were highlighted and all in good ways from the way my body is now and what I’m wearing.

Just really, really there...y’know?

I’m just so alive and breathless and happy as he kisses me.

It’s strong and soft and sweet and it’s over and over again.

It’s me kissing my best friend over and over again and it’s not the end of the world.

It’s the start of our lives.



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