“I’d like to think about it”. The words keep coming back into my life.

Some months earlier I had decided that I needed to get hold of my life, I was becoming a bit of a slob. Overweight, unfit, unkempt, over-casually dressed, and eating too many ready-meals and junk food. My flat was untidy with clothes strewn over all the furniture, and hadn’t been cleaned for weeks

Since being made redundant from my job as a designer and planner at the aircraft factory in Brough, East Yorkshire, i had let myself go, lost any drive and ambition I had, and was just drifting aimlessly through life. Enough was enough !

I was highly qualified and experienced in my professional role, but had never been as successful in my personal life having had several on-off relationships during school and college life but had never found anyone that I considered a soulmate with whom I wanted to settle down for the rest of my life. I desperately need to sort myself out, both career-wise and in my general life. It all came to a head with a bang one day when I was sitting on a park bench near my flat in Hessle, near Hull, and was approached by an attractive and pleasant young lady with a lanyard and ID card hanging around her neck

“Hi, I’m Sonia, I’m with the local homeless shelter, you look like you’ve had a bad time sleeping rough, would you like to come for a coffee and sandwich with me, and we can see if there are ways of helping you get back on your feet?”. “Thank you very much Sonia, but I’m not really as helpless as I look, I know I am a bit scruffy at the moment, but assure you that I have somewhere to live, and some money to live on. I appreciate your concern and I realise that I have to get my life back together. When I am in a better condition I will look you up at the shelter and show you my true self, I’m Geoff by the way”.Being taken as living on the streets really shook me, and I went back to the flat determined to make changes.

I started by clearing all the rubbish that was lying around, newspapers, pizza boxes, ready-meal cartons, picking up discarded clothes which went in the wash bag, in the wardrobe, or in the bin, as appropriate. A run over with dusters and cleaners, a quick vacuum, and the place was fit for human habitation again.

All that effort had obviously made me a bit sweaty, so it was time for a quick shower. which I hadn’t done for a couple of weeks. Before I went in I had a really close shave which normally lasts for a couple of days without looking scruffy as my facial hair does not grow too quickly. I considered giving my unkempt hair a bit of a trim as it was well over my collar, but decided that that could wait for another day, as long as it was clean and brushed tidily. After a good soak and scrub I gave my hair a couple of shampoos to get rid of the accumulated dirt and sweat, and used a conditioner to help me get rid of the tangles and knots. feeling an awful lot cleaner and fresher, I put on my towelling dressing gown and lay on the bed, for a while to dry off and cool off.

I even managed to find some clean underclothes, jeans, and a sports shirt, got dressed and looked at the new me, which almost took me back to my professional days, and felt a lot happier with myself. In the spirit of a new revitalised me, I went out for a walk at the nearby Country Park, gave my life a lot of thought and decided that I need to get back on the career ladder, although it was obvious that there was nothing appropriate locally and that a change of direction would be needed.

I kept scanning the local newspaper but nothing suitable was coming up, most of the vacancies were for service industries, or office administration staff. I was hoping to find something with a degree of design flair required, even if it not in my previous specialist field. After a few weeks of getting nowhere, I decided to visit Sonia at the homeless shelter to see if there was anything that I could do to help, and also to get me back into the mindset of work.

“Hello sir, can I help you”

“Hello Sonia, its Geoff, we met on the park bench a few weeks ago, you offered to take me for a coffee and sandwich as you thought I was homeless”

“My god, you’ve spruced yourself up, you scrub up well, I would never have recognised you. I’m sorry if I insulted you, I was only trying to help. It’s good to see that you are now taking care of yourself”.

“Don't apologise, you gave me the kickstart to get my life back on track. I’m still at a loose end and not working and was wondering if there was anything I could do to help until I find another job.”.

“Many thanks for the offer, but we can’t really send you out onto the streets to meet the rough-sleepers, most of our regulars are not very trusting of authority and do not take kindly to strange faces. However we’ve only been in the shelter for a few months and haven’t really got it sorted out yet, if you want to help to tidy up that’s the best way to start”.

Over the next few days, I helped to tidy the place up and get it organised. Although it wasn’t asked of me I went into designer-mode, and realised that the flow of the facilities was all wrong, the kitchen was next to the entrance and the toilets and washrooms were at the far end of the main hall, it meant that people coming in off the streets were passing the kitchen and walking through the main hall if they wanted to use the facilities or get cleaned up before moving into the social areas. Over the next couple of nights, I messed about on my laptop, sketching out the layout of the shelter, where the service points were, and did a bit of reconfiguration. When I had a couple of alternative proposals, mainly involving swapping round the kitchen and washrooms, I ran off a few prints of plans and perspective views to take in to present to Sonia and the rest of the team.

“We love the proposals Geoff, and see how it would help to make better use of the space, but unfortunately we are a charity and have no spare cash , and can’t afford a major upgrade”

“It wouldn’t take that much money, the service points are already there, you could re-use the existing kitchen and washroom equipment but just shuffle them around to the new locations. The work is not too technical and could be done by the volunteers or even by some of your clients who had trade skills before falling on hard times. I’m sure some of the local builders merchants or construction companies could be talked into donating most of the materials, either writing off spare stock or claiming tax relief for charity donations,”. If it is properly programmed and planned out, it should not be too disruptive, most of the work could be done during the day when your clients are out of the building”

The management committee decided to go with the proposals if the costs were kept to an absolute minimum. Contributions from the building industry were better than expected including new kitchen and washroom equipment, which made the changes go a lot more smoothly, and a month later the work was completed and the reconfigured facilities fully open for business. Joe Chapman the owner of one of the building companies who have sponsored the work, was so impressed with the way the refurbishment had been planned and organised, that I was offered a job as a planner on one of their project sites in Hull, things were beginning to look a lot better.

During the refurbishment works, i spent a lot of time with Sonia and we became firm friends. She was on a fitness regime which included some road running, and as I was trying to lose weight I joined her on a short run, 3 or 4 miles, most nights and I was steadily getting much fitter and trimmer. Along with a much healthier diet and home-cooked foods, the pounds and the fat were rolling off.

When we were out running I kept my hair tied back in a ponytail to keep it manageable, as I still hadn’t got round to getting it cut and it was now almost down to my shoulders. With my new slimmer body on my trim frame, along with jogging pants and a sleeveless vest, and running with a very pretty and feminine Sonia, we were often taken for two girls and subjected to cat-calls and wolf-whistles, although neither of us could really understand the confusion.

One evening were were out jogging in the local country park doing circuits around the nature trails through the woods. Although it was a fine evening there were not many people about as most of the visitors were mums and their children during the day. In the distance we could see a group of cyclists on their mountain bikes approaching so moved over to run on one side of the path. The cyclists however kept coming, three abreast, taking up the whole width of the path, and almost crashed into us, causing one of them to swerve and fall heavily, as his bike crashed into a tree.
“Why didn’t you stupid girls get out of our way, have you seen the damage to my bike, do you know how much these things cost?”

“ Don’t you have a go at us, have you no consideration for others, you could easily have passed us in single-file, but you arrogantly think everyone should get out of your way” I shouted back.

He then realised from from my voice that I was not a “stupid girl” but a man who was not prepared to take a load of nonsense from him, which enraged him even more, he grabbed hold of my arm threw me to the ground., and started kicking at me. I shouted to Sonia to run to the visitor centre to get help before they started on her too. The others then joined in beating and kicking me badly, and just before I passed out I heard “that will teach you to mess with me”.

I woke up in a hospital bed aching all over, and saw Sonia sitting next to me, at least she seemed to have got away and escaped a beating.

“I’m so glad you have woken up at last, they had to sedate you and you have been out for a couple of days. You took a really bad beating, and the doctors were really worried about you. I ran off got some help, but the cyclists had already gone and left you unconscious in the bushes.. We called an ambulance and you were rushed straight into A&E and immediately up to the operating theatre”.

We were interrupted by a nurse, “It’s good to see you back with us, I’ll let the doctors know you are awake, as I think they need to have a chat with you”. When the doctor arrived, Sonia was asked to leave as he said that he needed a private talk with me.

You were in a bit of a sorry state when you came in, bruises and swellings all over your body, a couple of cracked ribs, and a dislocated shoulder, all will be rather painful for a while, but will heal without any lasting damage. That is the good news, but there is also bad news. You must have really got under the skin of your attackers as they viciously assaulted you and repeatedly kicked you, especially in the groin. Your testicles are very badly damaged to the extent that they will never function again and also the cuts to them have become badly infected. We need to remove them to stop the infection spreading. We can carry out the operation quite soon if you agree, but we need your permission”

“i’d like to think about it, but do I really have any choice, what happens if I say no”.

If you say no there is a good chance that the infection will spread and the blood poisoning could cause major issues to the rest of your body, and depending on how your body reacts it could even be fatal. As I said the testicles are so badly damaged that they will never function again, and there is not really much point in not having the operation”

“Just get on with it then, get me the form to sign and make arrangements “ I sighed with regret realising that my life would never be the same again”.

The next day I was taken to the operating theatre and the “dirty deed “ was done. I woke up to see Sonia’s smiling face. “The doctor told me what they had had to do, the operation went well, they reckon they got all the infection and there should be no problems with it spreading, it is now just a question of rest and recovery”. The doctors were reluctant to talk confidential details with me until I told them that I was your long-term girlfriend and that we were planning to get married, a little white lie, but it let them tell me about your problems”.

“ A big white lie I think, now you know what they have done to me, I can’t see you wanting to commit to a future with me” I shouted back frustrated that my life had been turned upside down by a gang of thugs.

Sonia was my only visitor , as I was an only child and my parents had died in a car crash , and so she made an effort to come in to visit every day. She brought me in some essentials from home, and a change of clothes for when i was discharged, as I had given her my keys to check on the flat. She also brought in some magazines and a copy of the local paper which carried a graphic account of the assault on me, although without the full details of my medical problems.

After a few days to recover and get all the pain down to an acceptable level, along with a supply of pain-killers and instructions to take it easy for a few weeks, I was discharged. As I still needed to rest, Sonia offered to put me up in her spare room until I was fit enough to look after myself.

We went back to my flat to pick up some fresh clothes to last me a while but were shocked to find the place had been trashed, the door had been forced, anything breakable was broken, my clothes had been slashed, food was scattered over the floor. Sprayed with aerosol paint on the walls were the words I remembered well, “that will teach you to mess with me”. We called in the police, told them about the link to the thugs that had assaulted me, and soon the Scene-of-Crime-Officers (SOCOS) gave the place a thorough going over, looking for any traces of the intruders. Obviously my assailants had read the newspaper reports and had managed to trace where I was living

My landlord inspected the flat and suggested that the repairs and redecoration were not a simple job and that I needed to find somewhere to stay for a while. As I was going to be staying with Sonia anyway while I recovered from my injuries, she suggested that I move in and flat-share with her and give up my tenancy. The police and the landlord all thought this was a good idea as it would minimise the risk of any repeat visits by the thugs or coming across them around town, particularly as she lived in Beverley, a half-hour drive away, . I gathered any personal items and the few bits and pieces that were still fit for use, told the landlord to just get rid of anything the SOCOS weren’t interested in, apologised for the damage to his property, and left my old life behind.

When we got to Sonia’s place, I was quite tired, from my injuries, from the painkillers, and from the trauma of what had been done to my flat. I was still very sore and sensitive in my groin and the trousers were rubbing badly, after having been used to wearing just the hospital gown. I went to the bedroom, stripped off my clothes and lay on the bed. Unfortunately all my clothes at the flat had been trashed and left for disposal, so I just lay there naked and dozed off. I woke to see Sonia with a big grin on her face and a cup of coffee in her hand.

“if we are going to be flat-sharing, I can’t have you running around with no clothes, put something on”

“Other than what I was wearing when I came in, I don’t have anything to change into in , and the trousers and underpants are really irritating my groin, have you got a dressing gown or something I can borrow”

She came back with a dressing gown, a cotton nightie and some cotton panties.” these are the plainest and least girly things I could find, you should find them a bit gentler on your skin, and there are only the two of us here, so there is no need to feel embarrassed. Get showered and dressed, and I’ll prepare something for dinner”

After a delicious lasagne and a small glass of wine ( I had been told to limit drinking alcohol ), we sat down to watch tv and have a chat. “Thanks for the loan of the clothes, they are much more comfortable and are not chafing my sores at all. In a few days when I am feeling a bit better, I’ll go and buy some more of my own, but if it’s ok with you, I just wear these for a few days”

“No rush, just take your time and recover at your own speed. You’ll know when you feel like going out again”.

I awoke the next morning to find a note from Sonia saying that she had gone out to work, to make myself at home, and that she had left out some clothes for me, as I couldn’t walk around in a nightie and dressing gown all day. What she had left out surprised me. a flared skirt and a short-sleeved cotton top. I realised that it was a practical option as they were loose-fitting and not rubbing on any of my bruised and still sore areas and so got dressed. The day went quickly, between watching TV, reading some of Sonias magazines and preparing a cottage pie for our dinner.

“That was delicious, I should have got a flatmate sooner, I could get used to coming back from work to a home-cooked meal. How has your day been, have the clothes been ok for you, I thought they would be nice and loose and not rub?”

“The clothes have been great thanks, really comfortable, I felt a bit awkward and embarrassed at first , but soon got so I didn’t think about it and just got on with things. I managed to get what bits and pieces I still have put away and tidied my room. When I get my insurance money I will get a few things to make my room feel a bit more homely.”

Sonia returned the next day with a shopping bag. “ You can’t wear the same things every day, so I got you a few pairs of cotton panties, as they are quite soft and gentle on your “parts” and with all your wounds it will be more hygienic to change them every day, and a couple more tops. No need to change your skirt for a few days, it is quite flexible and goes with the tops i got for you”.

Over the next few days, I got used to the clothes, until I didn’t really think about what i was wearing. I heard the doorbell ring, and without thinking opened the door to see a WPC ( policewoman, or whatever the current politically-correct term is ). She looked at me rather quizzically.

“Is Mr Gray in?”.

I suddenly remembered what I was wearing and with my hair tied back in a ponytail, I must have looked a sight.

“Yes, please come in, I’m Geoff Gray. I know this must look a bit weird but it is for comfort reasons. Sit down, I’ll get a cup of tea and you can tell me why you are here” I quickly explained my situation and how I got to look as I did, and she just grinned and told me not to worry about it.

“You’ve got nothing to apologise for, and you are quite passable. If you hadn’t told me i would have just assumed you were a woman. The reason for my call is to tell you that I am to be your liaison officer until we can get your assault and burglary solved, my name is Liz Campbell. The bad news is that we have got some CCTV images of your attackers but none are clear enough to make identification that will stand up in court. The good news is that we have several sets of prints, and some DNA traces from your flat. There are no matches on our database, but it’s only a matter of time before one comes up as samples are taken for anything other than minor offences nowadays, and from the way you were attacked and your flat vandalised I doubt if it is their first and only crime and they will turn up eventually. If you can remember anything about them please give me a call. Don’t worry about how you are dressed, I’ll keep it of the record, just between you and me”

When Sonia got back that evening I told her all about my visitor, and when she stopped giggling she sat down with me for a chat. “Because I know you so well it hadn’t really registered, but she was right, your are quite passable as a women with your slight frame and long hair, particularly when you are wearing a skirt and woman’s top. Rather than moping about the house all day, If you put on a bit of make-up you could quite easily go down the road to the supermarket and get in some groceries tomorrow, no-one will tell, and it will save me a bit of time”.

in the morning, having had a close shave, not that i really needed it, and put on a bit of foundation and lipstick and borrowed one of Sonias jackets I set off to do the shopping. All went off ok without anyone making any comments. As the supermarkets all now have small clothing and cosmetics departments, I also came out with some new tops, a set of panties, some tights, and some basic make-up of my own, as I couldn’t continue to use Sonia”s. Luckily my credit card only had my first initials, not my full name or title, so that did not present a problem either.

I was quite pleased with myself when Sonia came home and i told her what I had been up to. “Are you sure that this is only until you are fully fit again, you seem to be enjoying your time on the ‘fair side’ Gemma”. She had begun to use a fun female nickname for me when i was dressed

“I think so, the clothes are very comfortable and I’m enjoying it while it is lasting, but soon I will have to get back on with my life and career”

We were sitting watching TV later with a glass of wine, when the inevitable happened, we cuddled and kissed, and one thing led to another - or didn’t. I could not “rise to the occasion” as they say, despite a lot of foreplay and touching. It had never happened before, or not happened , and I felt humiliated for myself and sorry for Sonia. Over the next few days we tried again, but although we both enjoyed the foreplay, and Sonia was very sympathetic and understanding, even with a bit of help from ”little blue pills” I could still not get an erection.

I went off to the doctor’s and she sent off blood and urine samples for analysis and I revisited a few days later. “We’ve got the results back and we think there might be a physical problem, you have a very low testosterone count, and an unusually high oestrogen count due to your orchidectomy, both of which which can be treated with drugs, but I would like you to go for further tests to see whether there are any other issues”. After a day of tests and examinations at the hospital, I was called back for a review.

“We are not 100%,sure but it looks like that when you had your beating some of the nerves and blood vessels were damaged. We missed this when you had your operation for which we apologise, as the sooner these things are dealt with, the better is the chance of full recovery. In some cases the nerve circuits can re-route themselves, but in your case we cannot guarantee anything. Are there any other problems your are experiencing”

“i’m not sure they are problems, but I’m finding that my beard growth has almost stopped, I’m feeling a lot weaker and don’t seem to have the strength that I used to have, and my skin seems to be a lot more sensitive and puffier. Otherwise, most of my other injuries are recovering well and I feel fit enough to go back to work.”

“That’ not too bad, going back to work and getting about will help your body a lot. The other symptoms you have are due to your hormone imbalance following the loss of your testicles. We have several options for you: we can just leave things as they are and see what happens: we can give you medication to increase your testosterone levels, but this this will almost certainly not help your erectile problems: or the more drastic option, and the one that you should consider is to accept that you will never function properly as a man and we can give you treatment to help you develop as a woman, which is the direction your body seems to be heading towards”

“ I’d like to think about it. I’m totally shocked, it’s not something I’ve ever considered. I have been dressing in women’s clothes lately, as they are have been more comfortable with all my injuries but I don’t think I want to go there at the moment. I need to talk this through with my partner”. Partner? I suddenly realised how I was beginning to think of Sonia, as a potential partner rather than just a friend and flatmate.

After long discussions of the options and the possibility of a life together, Sonia came to a decision. “ We get on really well , and I have come to enjoy our intimate moments together, even though it never reaches a conclusion. To be honest, In the past I have found penetration painful and have never reached a full climax and fully enjoyed sex, it is not unusual for a woman to fake it and for her man to feel that he has met her needs. I’m happy to go on with our relationship whichever path you choose. We can continue as we are if you prefer, or, as you seem to be content dressed and going about as a woman, I am comfortable too if you want to go down that path”.

“It’s a big decision, before making any long term decisions, I’d like to think about it”.

“ In that case if you are going to continue wearing women’s clothes and going shopping, we need to get you some breasts and a bra. You have got away with being flat-chested up to now, but sooner or later someone is going to notice”, and soon i found myself with breast forms and wearing bras, the first item of women’s clothing that I did not find comfortable ! We also decided that whenever I was dressed as a woman, that she should call me Gemma, as it would be easy to change tack halfway though if she forgot and started to call me Geoff

I went back to work, as Geoff during the day, turning into Gemma when I got home and was comfortable in either persona. Over the following weeks the effects of my hormone imbalance we were becoming more noticeable and I was often mistaken for female. My facial hair was now non-existent, my skin softer, I lost a bit of weight and muscle mass and what fat I had seemed to be redistributing itself from my waist onto my hips. I found that my trousers no longer fit properly, they were either too slack at the waist or too tight on the hips, so started wearing women-fit slacks, as androgynous as I could find.

One night over a glass of wine, Sonia and I came to a decision that it would be better all round if I was to go full-time as Gemma and start on the path to womanhood.

As my project in Hull was almost completed, I went in to see my boss Joe Chapman and handed in my resignation which would be deferred until the my current project works were all completed and signed off.

“I would be sorry to see you go Geoff, we have been very impressed with the way you have performed, and would like you to stay on. We have another project starting soon in Beverley, it’s near where you live and the contract should last for about 18 months. It would also mean you are available to us to answer questions if there are any post-contract issues, please reconsider.”

“Thank you, I really enjoy the job but have a lot of personal issues at the moment, and think it may be better to make a clean break”.

“I’m sure that you are worrying too much, we may be able to help, please tell me your issues.”.

Taking a deep breath, I reminded him of my accident, told him some of the medical details that had never been publicly revealed and of my decision to transition.

“ Wow, you certainly know how to spring surprises, I’d like to think about it, please wait outside and we’ll continue in a few minutes”.

“I’ve been on to our HR consultants and they suggest that we could be open to being sued for discrimination if we used your transition to get rid of you, even though you have officially tendered your resignation. Apart from that, the role at Beverley is largely office-based so visits to site would be minimal, and it is a totally different construction team so nobody will know you. Ten years ago a woman involved in construction, other than as a secretary, was pretty rare, but nowadays there are lots, mainly in the technical and project management roles, but also doing hands-on work on the sites, so you would not be out of place.”

“ Many thanks Mr Chapman I think that I would like to take you up on your offer, but there are a few things I need to get sorted out first. I will need to see my doctors about a treatment regime, and arrange to get my name changed and records altered before moving up to Beverley, but that that should tie in with the completion of the project in Hull”

Everything went smoothly during my 12 months real-life-test, I settled in to my new life and career, and soon completed my transition. With the hormone treatment and with my natural changes continuing, i soon filled out nicely and became to all intents and purposes a natural-looking woman enjoying life to the full. Sonia and I discovered new ways to fulfil our intimacy needs, and are planning to get married and legalise our commitment to each other.

The thug who had started all this off was stopped for drink-driving after a car crash, DNA-tested, and linked to the crimes against me. He was sentenced to a long-jail term, but unfortunately no links could be found to his fellow attackers. In a civil case I was awarded substantial damages from him, along with funds from the Criminal Injuries Compensation scheme. As my transition operation was considered as consequent to my original treatment following the assault, most of the costs for my transition were covered, and we had a bit left over to start our new life.

Over the last year-and-a-half I had gone from the depths of depression to having a really happy life, a loving partner, a successful career and was now totally comfortable with my new body. I didn’t think so at the time, but ,looking back, getting a good beating was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

The end