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I thought long and hard as to whether to go to the funeral before deciding that paying my respects to one of my oldest friends was more important than my pride and possible hurt feelings. If there were any nasty repercussions then it would be something that I would just have to deal with as it happened.

The group of us first met at kindergarten many years ago, we all lived in the same neighbourhood and played together, went to school together, went to each others birthday and Christmas parties, went out dressed at halloween together and were virtually as close as brothers and sisters.

Gemma and Gary and were sister and brother but when out with our group they mixed in with the rest of us without any favouritism. Gemma was the typical pretty cute bubbly little girl who made friends easily, whereas Gary was more the strong silent type who could always be relied upon if any of us needed help or were in trouble.

Susan was more the tomboy type who liked nothing better than a rough and tumble or tree-climbing with the boys, but she was just as comfortable doing girly things with Gemma and Laura.
Laura was definitely a mini-me of her mother, when not out with us she liked nothing more than being in the kitchen with her mother making cake and biscuits, which she always shared with us.

Tom was the natural leader of the group, always the one to come up with new things for us to try or places to go, he had a way about him that encouraged us to go along with his ideas rather than insisting that we do what he fancied.

Me? Lewis Fisher, I was the quiet shy one in the group, always happy to go along with the majority but always somehow in the background.

As we grew older it was expected that we would find new friends or new hobbies and drift apart, but that didn’t happen, in fact we spent more and more time together. We always sat in class at school in a group, walked home together, to the extent that we became a bit isolated from the others in our class and were left alone, with nobody else really trying to get to know us.

Usually we all went together to do our homework, helping each other overcome our weak spots and because of that we all were usually ranked highly in our classes, but gained a bit of a reputation as know-it-all swots, which isolated us even more from the others.

Despite our closeness, as we got older and entered high school we all had our own interests and hobbies and had time to ourselves. Tom and Gary were the more sporty and athletic types. Gary was developing into a very good midfield football player and had several professional clubs trying to get him onto their academy training programmes. Tom was more into athletics and was becoming a well-thought of sprinter, representing the school, town, and county at competition levels. Susan was also a very good athlete, but her main interest was for netball, being tall and athletic she was an obvious choice for Goal Shooter. Gemma was never the athletic type her main interest was drama and aiming for a career as an actress. Me, I never seemed to develop the teenage growth spurt and the athletic build, and sports were not really my thing. I tried lots of different hobbies, trying to become enthusiastic about something that would interest the others, but did not find any long-term interest and became a bit of a bookworm, reading or writing stories. Laura was a bit like me, tending to be on her own a lot, doing her own things turning into a ‘domestic goddess’.

Although we were all still close, Susan, Gary and Tom were spending more time being more closely involved with their sporting teammates, training or down at the clubhouses and were getting separate social circles, So I began to spend a lot of time with Laura and Gemma, sitting and chatting, but with me mainly listening to the pair of them enthusing over the latest pop singers, celebrity gossip, clothes, hair and beauty tips and, more and more, boys that they fancied and were trying to get dates with. After a while I was becoming at ease in their company and knowledgeable about their interests and started joining in their conversations giving them my opinions on how they looked and how they were dressed. When I was with them I began to adopt some of their mannerisms and figures of speech, with my shoulder-length hair and slight lithe build, other than that they usually wore skirts, I was hardly distinguishable from the girls.

To try and get me interested in something Gemma talked me into joining her drama group, and after settling in there, I discovered that I had a talent for performing and became a different more confident and outgoing person when on stage, I was a different person altogether than I was in real life.

For our Christmas pantomime,Dick Whittington, I was cast as Nip, one of the smaller speaking parts. Because my time on stage was minimal, I also acted as the prompter, sitting in the wings with the script, helping those on stage when they had trouble remembering their lines, which meant that I had a good overview of all the characters, their parts, speeches, and stage movements.

The first few performances went well, but then disaster struck. Jenny, who was playing the lead female, Alice Fitzwarren, came off her boyfriends motorbike and ended up in hospital for a few days to recover. Because I knew her lines, how she played the part, and was almost the same size as her so the costumes only needed minimal alteration, I was drafted in as understudy.

“How can I play the role, I’m a boy, I will look ridiculous in Alice's costumes.” I argued with the director.

“My dear boy, acting is all about pretending to be someone that you are not, in Shakespeare’s time all the female parts were played by boys or men, and there are lots of examples of recent plays and films where famous men have taken on female roles. I’m sure that some of the girls can make you reasonably presentable and believable, it's amazing what can be done with makeup. Give it a try and if you still feel that it is wrong we'll have to think about something else.

Back at Gemma’s house she and Laura spent the rest of the day making me as convincing a female as possible. Stripped and in one of Gemma’s dressing gowns, my body was cleaned of all the stray hairs that I had been cultivating in the hope that they would make me more masculine-looking. My hair was curled and restyled, My eyebrows were trimmed and shaped and false lashes fitted. all sorts of lotions and creams were applied to my face, eyes and lips.My nails were extended, shaped, and painted Finally they let me see the result of their labours and looking back at me from the mirror was a very attractive young woman, it was unbelievable what a difference they had made to me.

“We’d better get down to the theatre, I need to cover the role and re-learn the lines ready for tonight, let me get my clothes back on and we can get on our way.“

“Lewis, you can’t go out like that, With your hair and makeup you would look weird in your t-shirt and denims. You would be a lot less noticeable if I find you one of my dresses and you spend the rest of the day as a girl, do you agree?”

“ You can’t be serious, what you have already done to me, although I appreciate it, has gone far enough, are you trying to humiliate me even more by making me go out in a dress?”

“It will be a lot less humiliating than looking like a boy in makeup and with a really feminine hairstyle. In the right clothes you will look just like both of us, nobody will know, and besides it will help get you into the mood to play the part of Alice, “

A short while later I was fully kitted out from Gemma’s wardrobe from the skin out, panties, bra with padding inserts, chemise, mid-thigh flared fitted dress and Mary-Janes.”

“Ok Lewis, or it had better be Louise for the moment, I’ve fitted out a bag for you with all the essentials, put on that coat and we’ll get down to the theatre.”

“ Why am I wearing a dress when you two are in jumpers and trousers?”

“ Don’t be silly, we have a lifetime of being natural as girls, you need to make an effort and constantly be reminded as to who you are for the moment, don’t worry, you will be fine.”

Laura went back home, leaving Gemma to take me into the theatre and re-introduce me to the rest of the cast.

“Hi everyone, this is Louise who will be taking on the role of Alice from Jenny, pretty convincing don’t you think?”

After the initial turmoil where people wanted to have a good look at me and talk about my appearance, we settled down for a run-through rehearsal with me playing the part of Alice, which went fairly well,. There were a couple of scenes that I was not too comfortable with, in passionate embraces with Joe who was playing the lead character of Dick Whittington, but otherwise I fell into the role easily.

Happy that I had taken on the part successfully, it was agreed that we would go ahead with that night’s performance as scheduled and I went to see Cathy, the wardrobe mistress for a costume fitting.

“Hmm, not to bad at all, but if you don’t mind me saying, your bust-line is not right, you are too small for the dress and it is too firm and not natural looking. I have something in the props cupboard that will really improve things, drop the top of your dress and take off your bra, lie down, I’ll soon sort you out.”

A few minutes later she came back with two jelly-like blobs which she placed of my chest, fiddled about with, and then told me to put my hands on them for a few minutes.

When she told me to stand again and take way my hands the blobs stayed in place, but sagged, tightening my chest skin and pulling me forward a bit, upsetting my balance..

“Shoulders back dear, push out your chest, and put your bra back on so I can check that it all looks ok. That’s a lot better, they will stay in place for you throughout the performance, come and see me afterwards and I will remove them for you.”

The girls in the cast, me included, all shared one dressing room and I was totally overwhelmed at being in amongst a lot of half-dressed scantily-clad women and didn’t know where to look.

“Stop looking so sheepish, Louise, as far as I can see you are not much different to the rest of us, nice boobs by the way they’re bigger than mine, I hope the bra I loaned you still fits,” joked Gemma sitting next to me applying her makeup, “Your makeup is still ok, , but it needs to be a bit heavier for the stage lights, then just put on another coat of mascara and a bit of powder to keep you dry under the strong lighting and you’ll be ok.”

The performance went well, the only change to normal was that Alice’s solo songs were cut as although my speaking voice was passable my singing voice was not nearly high enough, but otherwise I did well and was richly applauded at the end.

I cleaned off my makeup and went with Gemma to see Cathy to get the false breasts removed.

“We have a problem dear, after I used the glue to stick the breast forms to you, I realised that the solvent hadn’t been used for a while and it has dried up and in not usable. I can get some tomorrow, can you live as you are for tonight.”

“ Louise,” interrupted Gemma, “ We didn’t bring your boy’s clothes, you are going to have to go home wearing the dress you came in anyway, just stick with the breasts for the moment and we’ll sort it out tomorrow.” she giggled at her choice of words.”

But what will Mum and Dad think when they see me like this, in a dress and with breasts, they’ll go mad.”

“Let’s go and get changed ready to go, you really don’t have much choice. I’ll come with you and explain, I’m sure it will be ok.”

We stood outside the door of my house for a few minutes while I plucked up the courage to go in and face my parents, but eventually I followed Gemma in.

“Hello, Gemma dear, nice to see you, is Lewis not with you?” Mum said as she looked around for me.”

“Well Mrs Fisher, this may seem strange, let me explain, this is Lewis with me here.” Gemma blurted out looking at me to say something.”

We sat down with Mum and, between us, Gemma and I told Mum what had happened.

“Oh dear, that’s quite a story it’s just as well that your father is out with friends tonight, he would not appreciate what has happened, Get up to your room and into bed and I will break it to him gently when he comes back, What about school tomorrow, you can’t go in looking like that? As for you Gemma, I’m not sure if I should be shouting at you for getting Lewis into this mess or thanking you for at least getting him back safely.”

“Mum it’s really important that I am at school tomorrow, we have important exams that could affect my grading for the year, If I have to go to school with these breasts still stuck on me that’s what I will have to do.”

“If it will help I could loan you one of my spare uniforms, at least you will pass as a girl rather than looking half-and-half.” offered Gemma.

“ Somehow I don’t think that will help Gemma, that will make it even worse, Lewis will become a figure of ridicule. We will just bind him up with bandages and if he wears a loose-fitting shirt and keeps his blazer on he should get away with it.”

Mum was right, next day at school passed without incident, other than a couple of the girls commenting on my trimmed eyebrows and fuller-bodied hair, but I was glad to get home safely.

“You had better get yourself off to Gemma’s so she can fix you up again for your appearance as Alice, then hopefully we can get over this and back to normal.”

Gemma soon had me dressed and made up as Louise and we went off to the theatre for our performance. Everything went well and I was becoming comfortable and at ease as both Louise and Alice, but afterwards the wardrobe mistress removed the breasts and other than still being dressed in the girls’ clothes I arrived in I was back to normal again.

The pantomime season soon finished and that was the end of Louise, life fell into its routine once more.
For the rest of my time at school the six of us still stayed as a group, but despite knowing each other virtually like brothers and sisters since kindergarten, we began to pair off. It started with Laura and Tom, then Susan and Gary, leaving Gemma and I, although our relationship stayed as it always had been rather than blossoming into romance.

More and more I was spending time with the three girls rather than the boys, going with them to sit on the benches cheering on Gary and Tom on the sports field and listening to them admiring the physique of some of the boys on the field, and was drawn into their conversations. I soon found that not only was I cheering on the boys, but I was beginning to look upon them wistfully like the girls, particularly Gary, who was beginning to constantly be in my thoughts and dreams. I often dreamt of being Louise again and being swept of my feet by Gary as he carried me over the threshold into our first house together.

Gemma was the only one that I felt I could talk to about this and over coffees at her place I confided in her about my dreams and how I missed my time as Louise, dressing and acting like the other girls.

“Do you want to be a girl then? As Louise you were very convincing and quite attractive. If you want I can sort some clothes and things out for you, teach you about makeup and hair styling and we can go out together as two girl friends.”

“I would love to try that but it will have to be our secret. I don’t know where this will lead but if I don’t try it, I will never know what I really want.”

“ There’s no time like the present, come on, we’ll see what we can do with you.”

It became a regular thing for me, when we were out with the others or I was at home or school I was Lewis, a regular guy, but when it was just the two of us spending time or going out together it was normally as Louise. We even went to clubs and dances and I became accustomed to being treated as a girl, dancing and even smooching with boys and enjoying the attention.

It soon came to the end of our school days and we were preparing to go off to university. We all had a group farewell party, by this time Gary and Susan had decided that romance was not on the cards, but remained good friends, although Laura and Tom looked like they were together for the long haul. At the end of the night we all said our goodbyes to our childhood friends, everyone hugging, and it took me all my will not to give Gary a passionate kiss instead of the brotherly hug I had given to Tom. I would miss them all but Gary was the one that I would always have in my heart and thoughts.

As I escorted Gemma home afterwards she invited me in for a coffee and chat as she had something she wanted to talk about.

“I saw the way you looked at Gary as you said goodbye, there was a tear in your eye and you had such a wistful look, you really fancy him don’t you?”

“It’s hard Gemma, despite my feelings, it would never work out, Gary is such a macho man, there is no place in his life for me either as Lewis or even as Louise.”

“You are tearing yourself apart, a lot of you wants to live as Louise, but you are frightened about what people will think. Going off to university, where nobody knows you, is an ideal time for you to give it a try. Why not phone the college admissions people and tell them that you want to attend as Louise. you have such high exam grades that they will not refuse you. If you find that it is not for you, you can always transfer to another college and start your life as Lewis again. There will never be a better opportunity for you to give it a try. If they agree, I will help you all I can getting clothes and everything you need, and I will always be just a phone call away if you need to talk.”

I was taken aback at her suggestion, it was not something I had considered, but it made sense and would give me the opportunity to find out what I really wanted to do with my life. “ I hugged her tightly as the tears flowed from my eyes and it was several minutes before I could reply.

“You’re right, if I turn up there as Louise, that is how everyone will know and treat me. you have been a brilliant friend Gemma and I can’t thank you enough. It must be weird for you and hard to accept that your boyfriend would prefer to be a girl and even harder that I really am in love with your brother.”

So a few weeks later after a lot of time with Gemma as Louise, as she slowly knocked off the rough edges of any traces of Lewis, I arrived at my college as Louise Fisher, settled in the halls of residence along with the girls and attended my classes in Psychology and Sociology.

Gradually my life as Louise became natural and normal for me, socialising and chatting with the girls in the dorm block, and flirting with the boys with the rest of them. I made an appointment with the college doctor and was soon on a strong course of female hormones which very quickly started to affect me, both physically and emotionally. Rather than go home for holidays between terms, where the gradual changes in me would be easily noticed among people that had known me all my life, I always managed to find someone to visit. I kept in touch via social medial with all of my friends at home, continuing to use Lewis’ login, but had separate accounts as Louise where I kept Gemma up-to-date with what I was doing and going through.

After I left home for college, my father had asked my mother why I was not coming back home anymore and she told him about my times as Louise, in the panto as Alice, and afterwards going out with Gemma. He was furious, vowed never to speak to me again and insisted that my mother not keep in contact with me either. She wrote one final letter to me, wishing me well, but saying that there would be no more contact between us.

At the end of my three years at college, I made the decision that Louise should be my future and went through SRS to complete the change in my lifestyle and appearance. After I recovered I changed all the legalities so that Lewis no longer existed and as far as the world was concerned I was now, and always had been, Miss Louise Fisher.

I had managed a first-class honours degree and was proud to walk on the podium to receive my certificate, but was sad and disappointed that my parents did not turn up to see it like all the other proud mums and dads in the audience.

I had no problems getting a good job in the Social Services department of a council not too far away from my home town and settled in easily. Initially I was dealing with all the usual cases of domestic abuse or child neglect but soon became a specialist in cases linked to LGBT issues in general and mistreatment of transgender people in particular. It was not that anyone knew about my background, it was just that I seemed to show empathy with those suffering abuse because of their sexuality.

I met with Gemma occasionally and she was amazed at how successfully I had changed, and suggested that I meet the rest of our friends, but it was not something that I was ready for. In a way I wanted to draw a line in my life and not be reminded of my life as a male, I was trying to immerse myself totally as a woman.

Some time later I was shocked and upset to receive a call from Gemma to tell me that Tom had died, suffering a fatal case of leukaemia which, because his general fitness masked any problems and the usual macho neglect of any symptoms of weakness, was left far too late for successful treatment. He had always been the fittest and healthiest one of all of us and it was surprising that it should happen to him, only in his mid-twenties.

I thought long and hard as to whether to go to the funeral before deciding that paying my respects to one of my oldest friends was more important than my pride and possible hurt feelings. If there were any nasty repercussions then it would be something that I would just have to deal with as it happened. I also did not want to be seen by his family and friends in case anyone recognised me and caused a fuss at the church.
However I decided that we were too close all through our childhood and youth for me not to be there for him. Dressed in black skirt and top, and a wide brimmed hat which, with the heavier than normal makeup was intended to make me unrecognisable, I arrived at the church after everyone had already gone in and slid into a pew at the back right by the door hoping not to be noticed. It was a really touching service including eulogies from all the rest of our group telling stories of all our times together over the years, bringing tears to my eyes. As the main family and close friends funeral party processed out to go to the graveyard, I caught Gemma looking straight at me giving a little smile, but she just walked on by with the others, who didn’t notice me.

As the rest of the congregation left I sensed someone move into the pew and sit down beside me, turned around to see my mother staring at me. “Lewis is that you?”

“It’s Louise now Mum, we can’t talk here, walk with me to the graveside for the burial and we will talk afterwards.”

As the coffin was lowered tears for my lost friend were streaming down my cheeks, when I felt Mum take my hand and grip it tightly, giving me strength to pull myself together and dry my eyes.

As we were all leaving, Gemma came over and hugged me. “So glad to see you here Louise, Laura is going back to Tom’s family’s house but the rest of us are going back to mine, please come over and join us again, we all miss you.”

“ Let me have some time with Mum and I’ll see you there later, ok?”

“Don’t forget, and don’t worry, everything will be ok, see you later.”

“Ok I promise that I will come. Thanks for caring Gemma.”

When she had gone, Mum gave me a big hug, with tears in her eyes. “Come back home and tell me all about yourself it has been a long time since we have spoken.”

“How did you know it was me Mum, nobody knew I was going to attend the funeral and I thought that I would not be recognised.”

“I knew that you would come, Tom was a good friend to you all those years, you couldn’t ignore his funeral. As for recognising you, a mother will always know her child no matter what, besides I did see you dressed as a girl for the pantomime, and you do not look a lot different now, a bit older obviously, but other than that you are just as I remembered.”

“ I can’t come back with you Mum, facing Dad today would be just to much for me.”
“That’s not a problem anymore, I got tired of always arguing with him and he left some time ago. Whenever we had the normal family tiffs, they always turned into nasty and sometimes violent arguments about me letting you dress as a girl when you were out with Gemma, you thought we didn't know but we did, and he blamed me.”

“ That’s upsetting, especially today, I’ll come over to the house later and we can have a long talk, I love you Mum.” I wept as I hugged her tightly trying to make up for the years that she had to live with the consequences of my actions. “I promised to go to meet my old friends, I have a lot to talk to them about too.”

I stood outside Gemma’s house for a long time, on one hand, being scared of the reaction I would get, particularly from Gary, as I expected Susan to be more sympathetic, but on the other hand needing to unburden myself and let Susan and Gary get to know the real me. If they rejected me, fair enough, I would just got back to my new life, but I really hoped that they would accept me, and that we could get together again.

Gemma must have been getting worried that I would not turn up, looked out of the window saw me and came to the door.

“ Why are you standing our here in the cold come on in. I’ve told Susan and Gary about you and they want to see you again, it’ll be ok, honest.”

When I walked in with Gemma, they was a brief stunned silence until Susan rushed over and gave a long hug.”You silly, silly, girl, why did you not tell us what you were going through, there must have been dark times when you really needed someone to talk to, that's what friends are for.”

Gary had held back staring at me, but when Susan finally let me go he came over, smiled, took my hands and gave me a quick friendly kiss. “Best thing you have ever done, the new look suits you Louise. You really should have kept in touch we have all missed you. you have always been a close friend and I hope that we can go back to that. Sit down, Gemma will get you something to drink and you can tell us what you have been up to for the last four years. apart from the obvious.”

Gemma had known about me all the time, but the others, particularly Susan wanted to know lots of details of my life at university and the problems I had settling in as Louise, Gary mostly listened, just taking it all in, and we sat and chatted for hours until I had to go to see Mum and probably have the same conversations with her.

I said goodbye to Gemma, thanking her for being so supportive of me, before Gary drove Susan and I home, dropping her off first. As I picked up my bag to get out of the car, Gary leant over and put his arm around my shoulder.”

“ That time you left for university and we were all hugging, I had a strange impulse to turn the hug into a passionate kiss, I didn’t know why, I had never been attracted at any other time to another boy or man, I must have somehow sensed what you were going through.”

“Stop talking, we can make up for it now.” I whispered breathlessly as I wrapped my arms around him and we kissed passionately, the first of many, many more.

A Year Later with me dressed in a traditional silk white wedding gown, Mum was proud to walk me down the aisle to give me away in marriage to the man that I probably had secretly loved from the moment we met, but hadn't realised. My new sister-in-law Gemma, and my proxy sisters Laura and Susan were delighted to be my bridesmaids and attendants, the only regret was that Tom was not there with us, although he lived on in my godson, Tom Junior, who he had left behind him for Laura.
The end