Part 2 of 6

 
Chapter 4
Mothers.

There is one, and only one, thing that can be said about mothers without deviating one iota from the absolute truth: We all have one.

Many of us wish we didn't. Many of us couldn't live without them. Sometimes both conditions apply. Helen's trip to Myrna's place was one of those times where the twain did meet. Some of the most memorable times in Hank's life (or more accurately Helen's life at the moment) were when some ignorant fool had treated his mother as if she were merely a woman. No matter how many times the world told such individuals that there exist females who are not merely women, the fools never seemed to learn the lesson. They never seemed to be able to read the warning signs, either.

Helen was quite adept at reading the signs, which was why she was making her way down the snow encrusted, glorified deer track that served as the road to her woodland retreat. The cabin's water reservoir was emptied, the few perishables boxed in the back of the 4-wheel drive. Hank's e-mail accounts now auto-responded that Hank was on a expedition in the wilds and would be out of touch for some time. The local communications gear was then mothballed. Helen had no doubt that she would not be returning to the cabin until the snows melted in the spring.

There were forces of nature she had learned to respect. Then there was her mother.
 

The Bonforte family ethic demanded that their wealth not be ostentatiously displayed. Helen arrived at Myrna's modest suburban home at mid-afternoon, having taken time to enjoy the scenery and have a lunch that she was not required to catch and prepare for herself - a rare luxury. With nothing but her purse and makeup kit to carry, she gracefully exited her the 4-wheel drive and rang the doorbell.

After a minute or so, Myrna answered the doorbell and Helen was deeply shocked. Even knowing that Myrna was seriously ill, Helen still held the vivid image of her vivacious cousin in her mind. The woman before Helen was shrunken, hair lifeless, skin sallow, obviously ill. Nonetheless Myrna smiled and enveloped Helen in a warm embrace.

You came! Helen, I'm so glad to see you! Come in, come in"

"Myrna, I'm so sorry."

"Being sick bites, doesn't it?"

"I'd say it sucked except two fashionable ladies would not deign to use a term that could be so easily misinterpreted."

"Somehow I can't picture you sucking a guy off."

"You'll be glad to know I can't picture you that way, either."

"Girl, I have a certain expertise in sucking cock. At least I've had no complaints to date."

"They've probably been too busy groaning to say anything coherent."

"You could be right. The best ones are those that return the favor."

"A gentleman always reciprocates."

"Doesn't need to be a gentleman, or even a man, my dear."

"How the hell did we get talking about sex as soon as I walked in the door?"

"Because you don't want to talk about my illness. Sex is so much more interesting."

"Mother told me what it was, but it just sort of flew through my brain. I was too busy thinking about how she wants me to be you for the campaign."

"And haven't you always wanted to be me?"

"I've wanted to be like you, but I don't want to be you. We did have a lot of fun being twin sisters, though."

"Which is why this crazy idea of your mother's will work."

"I have my doubts. Why not let someone else run for the position?"

"Two reasons. One, the primary is over and you can't change the candidate any longer. Two - someone new wouldn't have my seniority and would get stuck on the committee investigating thumb-twiddling. I need to keep the chair of the environmental committee to stop the bastards who want to wreck this state. They keep chanting 'jobs, jobs, jobs' like some blasted automaton. Yeah, plenty of jobs cleaning up oil spills and putting out forest fires from the power lines."

Helen started to get alarmed as Myrna's breathing got ragged and her face flushed.

"Slow down, cuz! Take it easy."

"That's all I can do - take it easy. I'm sick of it, there's too much work to be done and I have to take it easy!"

"Then I guess I'm going to have to be you after all. You know what's ironic?"

"Besides my male cousin becoming me?"

"I'm going to have to cut my hair shorter in order to pass as you."

"Believe me, when you're out campaigning, hugging babies and kissing asses, you'll be glad your hair isn't always flying around and getting in your mouth. You're going to have to eat some pretty weird stuff to make the locals happy and hair doesn't improve the flavor one bit."

"Do they still do deep fried butter at the state fair?"

"They do and avoid it at all costs. You get fat and the pundits will start harping on the 'frumpy housewife.' Flash a little tit and you're a whore."

"Good thing I can't do that."

"Your mother has other plans."

"She was agitating about implants when she drove her hog up to my cabin. I thought she was trying to wind me up!"

"It would make it easier for you if you didn't have to worry about your falsies falling out at a press conference."

"Have your doctors tested you for early onset dementia?"

"I wouldn't be surprised. They've tested me for every other thing on Earth trying to figure out what's wrong."

"Then you and Mom can be roommates at the rest home. Implants!"

"Helen, didn't you spend a half an hour crying on my shoulder the last time we went out for a weekend together because you wanted your own boobs?"

"Wasn't that after a couple or four hours in the bar letting those two hunks buy us drinks? Way too many drinks?"

"But you can't deny you want to have your own breasts."

"I want a million dollars, too."

"Helen! You already have several million dollars."

"Maybe you need to test me for dementia, then. So what do I do with my boobies when I'm done being you?"

"Put 'em back in your bra and go back to playing with the deer and the antelope in the woods. They won't give a damn if you have tits."

"And what happens on my next book tour?"

"Just think of the publicity! You'll make the gossip column as well as the literary reviews."

"Maybe I'll just keep pretending I'm you and let you do the explaining."

"They'd never believe it. If I use any three syllable words and I get accused of talking down to to the people. You can't do shit without someone complaining, especially now you're going to be a full time woman."

"I'm glad I got my beard removed long ago or they'd be calling me a man."

"That's the least of your problems, cuz. They've been calling me a man for ages because I speak my mind and don't defer to the older and wiser assholes who happen to be male."

"I suppose I can't just say fuck you to the assholes?"

"If you do, be damned sure your mike is off. In fact, if you're not in this house assume someone is recording everything you say and will sell it Fox Noise."

"Now there's a question in need of an answer. How the hell am I going to survive an interview?"

"By memorizing my stump speech and spitting back predigested pap to whoever is holding the mike. And no, you can not stick the mike where the sun don't shine when they piss you off."

"That's no fun!"

"Try not to antagonize the press or you'll find them quoting everything you didn't say."

"A sucker's game, I assume."

"Yup. There are some good reporters out there and I'll tell you which ones you can trust, but always be on guard. Any slip will be on the front page of the political section or their lead story on the Web."

"On the whole I prefer living in the back woods where all I have to worry about is getting stepped on by a moose."

"Just listen to Penny. She's my right hand girl - now your right hand girl. She can clue you in about what the next interviewer wants to get from you - and how to make sure he doesn't get it!"

"Can't just call 'em something obscene and walk off stage like the Prez?"

"Not my style. Besides, I wouldn't go within five hundred yards of a tanning bed, orange isn't my color."

"Which is something you should only say in this house."

"Not really. Anyone who would still vote for that lying idiot would never vote for me, so who cares?"

"Damn! An honest politician."

"Just make sure when you're me that we stay honest. That's all I ask, cuz."
 

Chapter 5
Wasn't it Einstein who said time is relative? Time is certainly elastic. Helen had been around for a good twenty years, even longer if you count the tea parties two little kids had before they could even read. Helen was as real a person as Hank in many ways, there was no doubt about it. But she wasn't Myrna. She was her own person.

Three months can seem to be forever if you're waiting for something important. Three months can flash by in an instant if you are trying to become a new person. The physical changes are the least of it - restyling her hair, changing the color a bit to match, adding a second set of holes in her ears.

Two days after Helen had arrived, Myrna's long time beautician and friend was done and only the extra inch of height Helen had could set them apart. Once again the twin sisters were back in town, as long as you discounted Myrna's illness.

Helen woke the third morning to hear the barely muffled roar of her Mother's Harley approaching. Helen detested alarm clocks, and this particular alarm was at the top of her list. Knowing what would happen, Helen donned a robe and was at the front door before her mother could start shouting at her to open the goddam door.

"Good morning, Mother."

"Hot damn! This just might work once you get some real tits on you. Hell, even your mother wouldn't know who you were."

"My mother just figured it out with one quick glance."

"Tits, girl. Tits. They're a dead giveaway."

"If they were giving away tits then how come nobody offered me a pair when I was growing up?"

"Which is exactly why I'm here. Now that you've seen your cousin you know what has to be done. Will you do it? I made an appointment for you in Reno with the surgeon that did me, so I know he's good. All you have to do is show up and your very own tits will be yours."

"You make it sound like a game show prize."

"Well, it ain't exactly The Price Is Right, but you could end up looking like Vanna White."

"She's on Wheel of Fortune."

"But the Price Is Right - you don't have to pay a nickel."

"I can't believe this! My own mother wanting her son to get breast implants!"

"And just how many bras does my son own?"

"Uh, ah…"

"And what percentage of the time is my son wearing his bras?"

"Uh, ah…"

"And is my son not about about to put on one of his bras as he prepares for the day?"

"Could you let me wake up a bit before you start the inquisition?"

"Aunt Grace, be nice to my cousin."

Myrna had arrived after hearing the commotion.

"If you insist, Myrna. Look, I'll go rustle up some breakfast while you two get dressed. Once you have some coffee in you we can talk."

"Maybe by then you'll start talking sense, Mother."

"Go, you ungrateful brat!
 

"OK, Hank - Helen - you certainly look right, with a little bit of coaching you should be able to walk like Myrna does. We have time for you to study her videos and learn to talk like her. The only thing is, you need to be able to flash a little titty like she does or somebody is going to notice the difference. Myrna dear, not that you overdo it, but you do know just how much you can get away with to keep the men happy and the women envious."

"It's a fine line, but I do play to it. Sex sells, but only in limited quantities."

"You're tempting me."

"I know, son, and I'm counting on it. I know damned well you've wanted to let Helen out but were not quite ready. Now is the time; for you, for Myrna and for the cause. I may not say it too often, but I love you and you've made me and your father very proud.

"I really don't think this will be a big sacrifice for you, but it will be a big change. The doctors say you can take 'em out and revert, but they're talking physical. I really don't think you'll want to go back."

"I know that I won't go back, Mother. Why do you think I've been putting off the choice? When's that appointment?"

"Wednesday. Evaluation on Wednesday, procedure on Thursday, a week in the hotel to recover and back here to heal while you get intensive coaching as your cousin."

"I've been considering it since you implanted the implant bug in my brain at the cabin. I'm ready. I assume you have the tickets booked already?"

"And the hotel. Penny will be with you to answer all your questions about Myrna while you're recovering.

"Aunt Grace! She's my PA. You could at least have let me in on the deal before you sent her off to Reno."

"Honey, you're sick. Your only job is to get better. Let us take care of all the rest until you can come back firing on all cylinders."

"Not unless you guarantee me a muffler. That damned hog of yours is too loud."

"Now there's something I never thought I'd see - a politician that wanted to be quiet!"