A Grumpy Old Man’s Tale 50 Conversations in Both Sides of the Green Dragon
It was Saturday evening and the Green Dragon was more than usually packed. The unusual number of tourists was because the following Monday was a bank holiday(1) and three day weekends were always good for trade, but even by the standards of bank holiday weekends the inn was packed. The rooms had been fully booked for weeks and a number of couples were being accommodated in single rooms with a double bed leaving very little space. None minded and all had been grateful they had been able to obtain a room at all after having left it too late to book a double room. Some of the beds had been custom made so as to fit the rooms for just such occasions and they were not quite double beds. Bearthwaite made its own mattresses. Spring steel bought in as coils was formed into springs which were assembled into appropriate sized mattress cores at the workshops. The cores were covered with padding using linen bags filled with a variety of dried vegetable materials that were sewn to the cores. The covered mattress cores were then stitched into heavy linen covers. The stitchery was done by a number of women who otherwise made bedding of various kinds.
A number of the Bearthwaite women had worked for Sealy Beds who made mattresses at Aspatria, maybe thirty miles away by road from Bearthwaite, though the route was anything but as the crow flies, before the factory was threatened with closure with two hundred and sixty-seven projected job losses in May of twenty twenty. After talking with some of their men in the workshops, the Bearthwaite women left Sealy to start their own purely local endeavour. Mattress cores of appropriate sizes had been manufactured to fit the non standard beds and the village seamstresses had covered the cores to produce mattresses to fit the non standard beds. As a temporary solution it had worked, but a more permanent solution had obviously been required. The solution arrived at had been a further extension to the Green Dragon. However, as Pete the landlord had said to Gladys his wife before discussing with Jacqueline the local architect the new proposed extension which was to be three storeys high and just contain bedrooms, all with ensuite shower and lavatory facilities, “The hell with the fire regulations, we need some extra capacity for the bank holiday weekend, even if folk have to be put up with neighbours,” hence the almost double beds which had been gratefully accepted by couples for whom it was a matter of Hobson’s choice.(2)
The huge folding concertina doors that led from the best side(3) into the ballroom had been opened to accommodate the ladies. The extra tables and comfortable seating required was already available around the sides of the ballroom and the heating had been turned up after lunch. The extra numbers had made little difference to the ladies’ experience of the evening.
However, the men had not been so fortunate. Drinkers had spilled over from the packed taproom into the dinning room and were just glad to be enjoying themselves with somewhere to sit, despite the threatening weather and ominous looking sky. As Solomon a middle aged man who’d travelled two hundred miles for the story telling had said, “Three days fishing in bloody awful weather in calm and pleasant Bearthwaite beats the hell out of working for three days with calm and pleasant weather in bloody awful Birmingham. Even sharing events taking place in the taproom over a video link and a pair of one hundred and twenty inch [3048mm] wide screen TVs with bar service from a hastily knocked up beer and spirits counter made from pallets and a sheet of plywood is better than being at home. And you must admit the bar service is excellent.” The other men with him had laughed too. Yes they’d have preferred to have been in the taproom, but what they’d been provided with may have been rough and ready and knocked up in half an hour in front of their eyes by local men from pallets, hay bale string and eight by four sheets of three-quarter shuttering ply cut in half lengthways, using hammers, nails and a power saw but it did the job.
However, it was better by far than missing out on the evening altogether, and somehow the rough and readiness provided was entirely in keeping with the Bearthwaite ethos of doing what one could for the well being of one’s friends. The beer was flowing freely via the temporary portable tube lines and pumps that were normally used outside to the rear of the inn in the heat of the summer, courtesy of Gustav and Peter, and there was a goodly selection of strange looking spirits, mostly in bottles that clearly hadn’t contained them originally, as well as the more usual varieties of spirits also to be found in rather more conventional public houses. The drink was as excellent as it was in the taproom and a couple of dozen of the locals had joined the visitors in the dining room in the spirit of camaraderie, which made the evening feel far more authentic. True there was no sawdust on the floor, but there were half a dozen dogs accompanying their owners, and when it arrived the supper was superb. All in all the displaced drinkers were more than satisfied with the evening.
As a result of the extreme measures that had had to be resorted to to accommodate the much larger than usual crowd Pete was considering having another extensive extension built to the rear of the building which would incorporate the new bedrooms planned and also new lavatories, cloakrooms and store rooms all considerably more spacious than the current arrangements. Once built the wall between the taproom and where the lavatories, cloak rooms and several store rooms were currently situated could be knocked out and all that space incorporated into the taproom. Naturally the new parts of the taproom would have to match the existing taproom which would mean sourcing some teak slabs for the bar, building a third and probably a fourth Victorian cast iron fireplace and having more of all the other ancient paraphernalia like the brass spittoons and bar rail made too. It would all need discussing with the regular taproom inhabitants, but it had all been done before when the first extension to the Green Dragon had been undertaken.(4) When Pete spoke to Sasha later that evening concerning the matter when they’d gone down into the cellar for some of the rare stuff he’d said, “It’s all doable, Pete, and won’t take too long. The planners won’t be a problem. Not now we hold the mortgages on their offices, and more to the point now we own the car park they use which we could close without having to give any notice since we don’t charge them to use it. Our car park is right next to their offices and the nearest place to park other than that is a half mile away which would be fun walking in the pouring rain wouldn’t it? Adalheidis telt me that as long as we close it for at least one day a year such that none can use it, she recommended Christmas day, they can’t claim a right to use it on the grounds of custom and usage because to do that they have to have used it for a long time with neither let nor hindrance. A long time means at least several decades, but the houses on the site were only demolished three years ago, so they’ve not been using it for long enough. Adalheidis didn’t tell me exactly how long they had to have been using it to establish a right to park there due to custom and usage, but closing it on Christmas day is both let and hindrance in the eyes of the law. The precedence was set centuries ago at one day per year. I asked her was it not easier to demand rent, but she said creating a tenancy for a car park would be far too much paperwork for what would be a derisory amount of money, and Murray and Adalheidis can make life far more difficult for them than they can for us.
“Offering to buy the mortgages up when the company that held them hit hard times during Covid was one of Chance’s better and sneakier ideas, and Adalheidis buying up the car park was pure evil on her part. It was due to be auctioned, but she rang the owners and offered ten times what it could have fetched even in the most favourable conditions. The owners telt her they’d see what they could get out of the Council as a private sale. It was a shock when she then halved her offer and telt them any more messing her about and she would halve her offer again and she’d be looking into buying up the mortgages on their properties including their homes with a view to foreclosing on them if the matter wasn’t settled by the end of their telephone conversation. They tried to settle at her original offer, but she said that they’d screwed up what had been a major gift from the gods with their greed, and asked did they have a deal on what was still a gift from the gods, albeit a lesser one than the one she’d originally offered. The matter was settled within the hour, contracts exchanged, cash and deeds transferred, land registry dealt with, all the lot. As to the extension work here, like the car park, it’s just money, Pete, and that we’ve got. This place is taking and making a fortune that none of us need these days, so what the hell?
“The only real question is how long will it take Alf to source a couple of big slabs of teak for the bar that after finishing will be a minimum of two inch [50mm] thick. Mind it’s available in the far east readily enough if you’ve got enough money, so perhaps the solution is to import a forty foot shipping container load ourselves and store what’s left over ready for future needs. I’ll have a chat with him and Harvey’s missus Peregrine too. With a bit of luck she’ll do the job, so Alf doesn’t have to. I know she doesn’t like doing what she calls joinery, but I reckon she’ll consider in here is different, especially if we offer to stand her a two month all expenses paid holiday out there with Harvey and the kids in return for checking out the teak going into the shipping container. That’ll still be a hell of a sight cheaper in both money and time than buying the teak from anywhere in Europe and spending a year or more finding some, and then maybe failing. One of Alf’s lads can run the hard wood through the spindle moulder for Jack Levens’ lads to fit along with the rest of the architectural woodwork. I reckon if we ask her to make the fine furniture she’ll do the bar as well. She’ll charge us an arm and a leg, but the work will be of the finest quality, even Alf says so, and she’ll only spend the money on educating her apprentices, so it’s win win all round. We’ll not even be parting with the money really. After all we’d be putting a considerable amount of money into the education pot anyway. This way we give her the money and she puts it in for us. In effect the work in here will have been done for free.” Pete grinned and the pair left the cellar smiling as they went back up to the taproom with a case of mixed spirits apiece. A number of the more observant local men wondered what devilry the pair had been hatching, but they knew they’d only find out when the pair were ready to tell them.
As a result of what the weather promised to provide, the coat racks everywhere in the Green Dragon were festooned with as yet dry, heavy overcoats and wide rainproof hats, and the Bearthwaite men were all wearing heavy work boots. Even their ladies had decided that the better part of valour was definitely discretion(5) and had dressed with the expectation of walking home in a deluge. Long, warm, heavy, woollen skirts over several thin, woollen underskirts, two or three layers of woollen cardigans and what was referred to as sensible footwear, which given the weather usually meant a pair of Eric’s, custom made, weather proof, calf high, coney fur lined, soft leather boots were the order of the day rather than the usual Saturday night pretty dresses and open toed, strappy sandals with a shawl to wear going home. Some ladies had been even more cautious and upon entering the premises had removed their rubber Wellington boots in the entrance hall to replace them with a pair of their usual Saturday evening foot wear that they had secreted in their overcoat pockets or handbags before entering the lounge. They were planning on walking home in their boots. The ladies had not long since settled down to glasses of warm brandy punch with Aggie’s pleasantly spicy ginger biscuits [US cookies] that even though they were only the size of a pound coin(6) made the mouth tingle with warmth when they saw the first bright flash of lightning. The biscuits were far more popular with the ladies as bar snacks than the oven cooked, salted nuts, the similarly cooked and salted pork cracklings [pork rind] and deep fried, potato crisps [US chips] that the men preferred. As the lightning flashed Anneliese could see faces concentrating and heard voices quietly muttering as they counted waiting for the thunder. “What is everyone doing, Elle?” she asked.
Once the first loud crack of the rolling thunder could be heard, Elle replied, “We start counting when we see the lightning and stop when we hear the thunder. If you divide the count by five the answer tells you how far away in miles the lightning strike was. Just now the count was twelve so the lightning strike was about two and a half miles away. If you listen it’s still not raining, Ladies. That water will still be up there, so when it comes I’m thinking there will be a goodly amount of it. More than enough to flood the lonning too deep to leave the valley other than by using a boat. I’m thinking what’s up there will be able to render the road impassable to wheeled traffic within half an hour once it starts.”
Jane, who earnt her living as a chemistry professor at a north eastern university said, “The counting works, Anneliese, because the speed at which the light travels is so fast as to be effectively instantaneous to human perception. The sound from the strike which started coming towards us at the same time as the light travels much slower. It travels at about a fifth of a mile a second, or a third of a kilometre per second if you prefer metric. If you divide the count by five you get the answer in miles, if you divide by three you get the answer in kilometres. Those are approximations, not least because the speed of sound in air varies with temperature, altitude and how much water is in the air, but it’s accurate enough if you just want to give yourself a good fright.”
Elle like the other women laughed and said, “Jane knows stuff like that because she’s a university science boffin, something to do with chemicals. Two miles is about as near as a strike has ever happened here. The lowest count I can remember was ten. The valley is deep with steep sides which have sufficient numbers of tall conifers to offer the village protection from being struck by lightning. The trees are what have always been affected by lightning in the past. If you walk to where you can see them you’ll notice a number have been blasted, shattered and turned into charred spelks. We probably lose ten trees a year, but the foresters have been planting thousands every year for a couple of decades now to stabilise the valley sides and prevent soil erosion because there isn’t that much soil over the rock there to start with and it supports valuable grazing. It was with reluctance that they planted some non native varieties of conifers towards the top of the valley sides to start with because they like the rest of us don’t approve of planting non native varieties of anything here in our home. However, those trees are fast growing tall varieties and were planted purely for lightening protection, so in the end the foresters, like the rest of us, accepted the wisdom of it. Doubtless in their turn one day those trees will be blasted into spelks by lightening too.”
“What are spelks?”
Vera, a retired nurse, replied, “Splinters, Anneliese. It’s a word used all over Cumbria, not just here. For all I know they may use it over in Northumbria to the east of us too. The church is right down in the valley bottom, and the top of the church spire, which is a hundred and twenty feet from the ground, has never been struck, or at least as far as we know it hasn’t. Even were it to be struck nothing unpleasant would happen because it has four two inch wide and half inch thick [50mm x 13mm] copper lightning conductors running all the way from the weather cock at the top right down into the ground. You can see at least one of them from quite a distance away no matter whereabouts in the valley you are. They’re the green lines that run up the side of the church. I don’t know why, but the effect of the weather on copper turns it green. Do you know, Jane?”
“Aye, the green is copper carbonate. Over time the copper slowly reacts with the water and carbon dioxide in the air to form it. Some call it copper patina or verdigris.”
Elle interjected, “I telt you she was into chemicals.”
After the laughter, one of the visitors asked, “If we can’t leave what will we do?”
Gladys replied, “First enjoy the evening. Over the years we’ve had to accommodate up to a couple of hundred folks dozens of times due to the floods. Don’t worry. Neighbours will put some of you up and the rest can live like refugees in the ballroom. We can feed you and provide more than enough decent and warm bedding. It’s camping, but inside out of the elements, and is usually quite an enjoyable experience. Younger children love it, teenagers not so much. Most teenagers we accommodate by providing them with sleepovers with our children of that age which is popular with both our children and their guests. For those of you that really need to leave we can ring for taxis to meet the Bearthwaite Queen, which is our big covered boat, at the rise jetty at dawn which is at about eight at the moment. Having said that, any number of visitors in the past have contacted their employers and just enjoyed their extended holiday. None of us will charge you any extra for your enforced stay.”
“Why on Earth not?”
“It’s cheap advertising, and in any case Murray our senior accountant writes it off on the tax under marketing costs and charitable donations both of which are perfectly legal. All it really costs us are some food, which is all grown or raised here, and some time which is paid for by the entertainment you provide which means our children behave better. Don’t worry about it. Doubtless some of you that are here with children can enjoy canoeing down the lonning instead of on the reservoir with some of the school’s sport staff. It’ll be no bother to Stephanie’s early years and play group staff who are currently looking after your younger children to do so for as long and whenever necessary. They’d be looking after our children anyway, so a few more makes no odds. The same goes for Elin and the other Model Railway Society enthusiasts who are currently entertaining some of your older children with art, photography, video editing, model making and the like. If Elin needs any more help she’ll make a few phone calls and the problem will be solved. Some of the children are in the gym dancing and doing whatever else folk do in there. If they need aid it’ll arrive quickly. If the rain continues we have any number of activities to keep both you and your children entertained either together or separately, some outdoors, but most inside in the dry.”
At that there were smiles all round and someone asked, “How long will the flood on the road last?”
Elle smiled and replied, “At this time of year three, four, five days at most. It’ll probably join this long weekend up with next weekend. Just be grateful none of you are in late pregnancy. Gladys went into labour when the road was flooded, but Gloria was delivered by Susanna one of our local midwives and all went well.” Elle startled Anneliese by changing the subject without even blinking and asking, “I can see that skirt you’re wearing is obviously a good fit, Anneliese, and despite looking very attractive in it you look uncomfortable wearing it. Why?”
Anneliese realised yet again that her new neighbours were caring, but very blunt. “I’ve never worn this sort of skirt before. Down south women in my line of work tended to power dress during the day and wear floaty, flimsy, décolleté, cocktail frocks or skin tight ones in the evening, neither of which leave much to the imagination. Many wear trouser suits to work, but because I never fancied the Marlene Dietrich(7) look, nor the idea that men might assume I was batting for the other side(8) and so wasn’t interested in them, I always wore skirt suits during the day. As a result, I wasn’t at all bothered when I was told trousers were just not on for women here at Bearthwaite. I suppose I can’t help but think this skirt is, well, mumsy, if you understand me?”
Aggie said, “Thank goodness for that. I was expecting a much worse reply. Mumsy eh? Well most of here are mums and proud of it. Power dressing eh‽ You’d frighten the living daylights out of most of the men, and that I would like to see in here. You should try it sometime, Lass, we could all do with a good laugh. If a skirt like that bothers you could wear a…what was it you said? a floaty, flimsy, décolleté, cocktail frock in here. Mind, if you do I have a couple of pieces of advice. The first is to wait till the weather is a bit more promising because at least that skirt and cardigan will keep you warm and discreet. Cocktail frocks tends to be a bit too thin round the bodice in the cold, which would make you look decidedly mumsy, if you get my drift.” At that there was some subdued laughter as every woman in the room had had the experience at some time in her life most many times. “The second is don’t put out too much cleavage in a cocktail frock till you’ve caught yourself a man. The men here tend to run scared if we get too obvious and you don’t want to frighten them all away before putting your brand on one of them. It’ll save you a lot of effort if you catch one before he is even aware he’s being targeted. After that it won’t matter because he’ll enjoy the view and the rest of the poor lambs will feel safe again. Unattached women on the hunt make them all gey nervous. They need to have the illusion that they’re the ones that do the hunting, so don’t go letting the side down by shattering their delusions.” There was a lot of laughter and nodding of heads at that, for all considered Aggie’s deliberate use of the word delusions rather than the more usual illusions to be amusingly appropriate. Some how her mumsy woollen skirt didn’t bother Anneliese any more, but her blush had not gone unnoticed. Aggie could be seen pondering before saying, “I must be getting old and losing it. That mention of being mumsy, had me thinking, just how many times have I been in the straw. Is it fourteen or fifteen? Any one know?”
Beatrice seeing the look of puzzlement on Anneliese’s face said, “Trust Aggie! Being in the straw is a not overly polite expression that means being in labour, Anneliese. It comes from animals in labour lying down in the straw. And just for the record, Aggie, you’ve only had fourteen kids. Which isn’t anywhere near the record. Granny had twenty-five. Granny isn’t my gran, Anneliese. It’s what everyone called Drusilla Parker, Granny Parker, but most just called her Granny. She died a few years back not long after her old man Davy. He lived to a hundred and three, and she made it to a hundred and two.”
Lucy, a veritable repository of local gossip due to her much envied position as the local storekeeper, with of course Dave her husband who being a man didn’t count, homed in on Anneliese’s blush at the mention of catching a man, “So who is he then, Anneliese?”
“Well, I’ve only been out for lunch with him at Keswick, and that was just once. It’s hardly a relationship.”
Alice, who owned and worked the flour mill with her husband Phil was one of Lucy’s two main gossip exchange sisters, the other was Rosie, said, “That’s not good enough, Lass, we need a name and details, but most importantly, is he one of us?”
Rosie, Vincent wife who worked in their butcher’s shop, said quietly “Leave the lass be, Alice. It’s Bruce, and I suggest we all back off a bit. Neither of them will be helped by over much interest. You know about what happened to him, Anneliese?”
As the local women were clearly taking Rosie’s words to heart and easing back, Anneliese feeling less pressured nodded and said, “Yes, he told me about losing his wife and children in that disaster on the M5 motorway. He would have been with them, but was delayed. I think he feels guilty he didn’t die too. He’s nice.”
Aggie advised, “Aye, he’s a quiet and gentle soul. It’s only Sun and a few good friends that have prevented him from hurting himself. If he has talked about it to any before it’ll only have been to Sun, and like every other doctor he’ll say nowt. It’s good he’s talking to you, Lass. I wish the pair of you luck and joy too. We all know that your life before you came here wasn’t too good. And before you ask, no Adalheidis hasn’t said a word about you and none other telt us owt either. We’re all women with nowt better to do than gossip about each other, when we’re not over busy complaining about our men that is, but that does make us good at understanding folk even when they give nowt away. You want to talk about it, Lass? I’m not trying to press you, but at least that way folk will know the truth, not some garbled version of a Chinese whisper(9) about you. And think on, none here will judge you on owt other than what you do and how you behave here.”
It was a genuine offer from the heart, and Anneliese started crying, but after being hugged by Old Aggie she sniffed and started on her life’s saga, including about her hermaphrodite bisexual partners Richard and Rachael with whom she’d discussed marriage before their murder.
“A lot of folk knew that Richard was bisexual. They also knew that Rachael was bisexual too. There were very few who knew that Richard and Rachael were the same person, or maybe it would be better to say they were two persons with completely different mind sets and personalities who shared the same body. They had the body of a hermaphrodite with the fully developed parts of both sexes, and for a fulfilling life they needed to enjoy both sides of themselves and for both sides of themselves to be enjoyed. I sometimes say he, but that was only applicable when they were in male Richard mode. Too, I sometimes say she, but that was only applicable when they were in female Rachael mode. Richard was a quiet, slim, slightly built, medium height, good looking man with hair that touched his shirt collars. He worked as a corporate researcher and didn’t have much of a sense of humour. Rachael was a vivacious, tall, elegant, pretty looking girl with a slight but noticeable bust and hips who as far as any knew didn’t work. She didn’t seem to be short of money and considered the world to be just one huge excuse for a laugh.
“It was easy enough to see, if one knew about them, how others never made the connection. For Rachael with styled hair, make up, heels, a push up bra with chicken fillets and a curve flattering dress, had a sensuous, bubbly personality that just oozed sex appeal and joie de vivre. On the other hand Richard with straight, severe looking, combed hair, a sombre business suit tailored to hide the curves with an equally sombre personality looked permanently on the edge of a frown. That was how they created two very different persons. However, Rachael was every bit as much a part of Richard as Richard was a part of her. It was tempting to think of Richard as the dominant personality, but that wasn’t true. Richard was able to earn more money than Rachael, so during working hours they presented as Richard and being Rachael was only available to them in the lesser number of hours outside work. On their own with me where they had nothing to hide or to fear they no longer had to engage in the divisive splitting of their single soul into the two personae that protected them from the world. Their two personalities melded to become the one they truly were, the person I loved who loved me. We had discussed everything, and without going into any details we had worked out how we could have a mutually fulfilling, monogamous relationship, or perhaps since there were three of us involved I should have said a relationship that didn’t involve anyone else. And then they were murdered. Stabbed to death in a shopping centre by folk who didn’t even know them, yet they murdered them just because they’d found out they were different.”
Even the Bearthwaite women who were all open minded concerning LGBTP matters, unless one were talking about women wearing trousers, to an extent that shocked many outsider women were stunned. None of them had ever envisaged such a thing to be possible. It wasn’t that they were bothered by what Anneliese had said it was just that it was so surprising an addition to the wide spectrum of human existence that they were now aware of. A few of the women considered the use of plural pronouns by Anneliese was the first time they had ever considered such usage not only acceptable but appropriate when referring to what appeared to be a single human being, for in this case the appearance was deceptive and there were in fact two persons involved. They, their and theirs weren’t preferred pronouns, they were grammatically correct pronouns not solecisms. After a minute or so Anneliese resumed her tale. There were tragic events, funny incidents and everything in between too and she like others cried, laughed and cried her way through it accompanied by several brandy punches. However at the end, her telling about her involvement in the Bearthwaite acquisition of the Flat Top Fell land and moving to Bearthwaite made her feel much better. She wasn’t aware why she did at the time, but over the next few days she realised she felt better because the grief of loss that she’d been burdened with for decades was finally behind her. She had a new start in a new place where she was accepted and more importantly where she knew she belonged because for the first time in her life she understood the women around her and knew that they understood her too. They were aware of her history, and to them it was just that, history. It had surprised them but not shocked them. She’d become a woman of Bearthwaite, and knew she now had a right to claim its history as her history, and what Adalheidis had said became perfectly clear.
As her relationship with Bruce deepened she knew it would end in marriage and she was waiting for an opportunity to discuss adoption with him as soon as he started to not just face the future but to look forward to their future. When she’d told him that pregnancy was not out of the question for her and she had no intention of using birth control, which was before the first time they had slept together, he’d said, “I have to live with the loss of my first family. Nowt, especially living with the creation of a second family can be anywhere near as bad as that.”
That wasn’t the most positive of things he could have said, but then again, Anneliese pondered to herself, it wasn’t negative either. They had enjoyed themselves and continued to do so. Anneliese eventually realised that Bruce wasn’t hesitant because he didn’t want a second wife and family. He was hesitant because he was terrified of losing them too. She’d talked about the matter to Adalheidis who’d said, “I’ll talk to Matthew about it. He’ll have some of the men tell Bruce what he needs to hear. A number of them have been in not so dissimilar positions, so they’ll know how to approach the matter. Far better that way than a woman talking to him, for the sympathy any and every woman wouldn’t be able to not offer would upset him. Men are different from us, working men are very different from us. They all live with serious pain at work from time to time, and are used to the pain and the effect it has on them. Few white collar men have any concept of that level of pain, and most women have even less, not even after childbirth, for that is at least a natural thing and neither crippling, nor in these days is it often a death risk. Too, few women have much memory of childbirth after the event, for a child at the breast seems to blur most of the unpleasantness, and the hormones associated with childbirth reduce pain and generally make the whole process less traumatic.
“When a working man is badly hurt at work the others there stop what they are doing and just stand there expressionless in total stoic silence. They offer nothing other than their silent presence and the knowledge that they are there for the hurt man if he needs them, no sympathy, no questions as to how is he. They are like that because they know a seriously hurt man is not just fighting his pain but his testosterone too which makes him very dangerous, for the slightest thing, even a smile or a word, could cause him to lose control and lash out, even at his mates. They understand, for most have been there and even those who haven’t know what being a man is all about, the good and the bad. As do we about womanhood. Yes it’s very different for us, yet in some ways it’s identical because it’s about understanding what we are.”
“Do you know that because you are trans, Adalheidis?”
Adalheidis smiled and replied, “Unfortunately no. In that sense I’ve always been as female as every other woman. Once I started on the hormones, which was a long time ago, I noticed that though I didn’t have a menstrual cycle once I started working with a lot of women my moods were no less cyclical than theirs. I looked into it and though it is not common it is a well documented phenomenon. I am more sensitive to female pheromones than is typical for any, male or female. Regardless of how many women there are sharing an environment it has long been known that their cycles tend to converge and hence the pheromone environment around them becomes enhanced due to them sharing a common cycle because at any given time their pheromones are the same. It’s well understood in environments like girls’ boarding schools and women’s barracks in the military. I being more sensitive to that than most share that cycle too, so I experience the mood swings too. You are aware of the expressions men use about women and their broomsticks?” Anneliese nodded. “Matthew says that he’s no idea what causes it, but I’m no different from any other woman as regards that.
“I only know what I just telt you about men because Hal, one of Matthew’s brothers, telt me after Matthew came to within a hair’s breadth of seriously hurting me when I behaved as a woman would to another woman who’d hurt herself. His punch would probably have killed me had he not deliberately struck the wall at the last split second. It was not his fault, and the price he paid was a broken hand which took ten weeks to heal well enough before he could work again. A broken hand is a serious matter to a bricklayer and many other working men too. After the incident I ran away in fear of Matthew. Fortunately I ran into Alf who took me to Ellen and rang for Sun who provided Matthew with some heavy calibre pain relief. Ellen sent for Hal, and telt him what had happened. She telt him to explain to me what had happened as it would have been seen by Matthew and to tell me what I needed to know to ensure it didn’t happen again. When I went home Matthew was in a deep sleep and I was careful not to wake him as I got into bed. The following day I don’t know which of us did the most apologising. However, back to Bruce. The men are the best to help Bruce and they can and will help him.
It had been a huge shock rather than a pleasant surprise when Murray had informed Anneliese that her fee for assisting Adalheidis to acquire the Flat Top Fell estate had come to four million pounds. He’d said, “Adalheidis raised the matter with Chance and myself the other day and we came to the conclusion that it was only right that you should receive half of the monetary value of the second ten percent that Adalheidis took from SPM for facilitating the speedy conclusion of the deal which she said had been done at significant personal cost to you, for you would rather have just escaped from the matter. That with your joining bonus came to somewhat over three and a half million pounds, but we rounded it up to four, because we considered it would be better spent, or perhaps I should say invested, by someone with a fresh vision, a new Bearthwaite resident with new ideas rather than our possibly stale take on things. Don’t worry it hasn’t cost us anything, for even though giving the money to you it hasn’t left us, for you are one of us. Even if you selt us out and left with it, which I hasten to add none of us considered to be a possibility, for you are obviously one of us, it would still be a good investment, for we have spent far more than that in the past to rid ourselves of folk we did not wish to be here creating a bad atmosphere and worse negatively influencing our children by their poisonous presence.
“Were I you I would regard it as a golden handshake paid out to you by SPM, for all that they put you through. If you struggle to accept that you deserve it I suggest you do what the many of us here who are wealthy do. Invest it in Bearthwaite. Use it to enhance our lives in ways that make you happy, and I mean your personal happiness here, not some generalised act of charity that means little or nothing to you. Spend some of it on something for the children maybe games equipment, or invest some in unusual livestock for the kids to look after. I don’t know, llamas or alpacas, or owt else you can think of. Peafowl make good eating, but they make a hell of a noise. See Pete about buying a lorry load of spirits bottles to give to the elderly at the winter solstice or ask one of the Peabodys to look into getting a holt on a few hundred piglets and poultry for the kids to raise. That is a significant matter to the kids, for it indicates that adults consider them to be sufficiently grown up to be trusted with the care of livestock. Yes they will be eaten, but that in the eyes of our folk is no justification for treating them with any lack of care and consideration.
“Bearthwaite regards the solstice as our new year and the bonfire barbecue party celebration on the green is a major event here, far more so than Christmas or the outsiders’ new year ten days later. If you don’t believe me ask some of the children. Whatever you spend it on it doesn’t matter does it, for you’ll not live long enough to spend it all on yourself, so make it do some good in ways that provide you with some fun. Money is just a tool with which one can enhance life. It has neither intrinsic nor absolute value.” ‘Now where have I heard that said before?’ Anneliese wondered. “One of our residents is a seriously multi multi billionaire who has spent billions on Bearthwaite and on what we own elsewhere. There are no shrouds made with pockets, My dear, so you can’t take it with you. Either you don’t accept it in which case we’ll have to spend it on land or equipment or something equally mundane, or you spend it imaginatively. We’d all rather the latter. That’s why we rounded it up to four million, to make you do the work of spending it rather than us.” Murray chuckled and added, “If you use some to live on, maybe we’ll forget to pay your salary.”
That was the point at which Anneliese realised that Adalheidis didn’t work for money and that there was no huge international finance house behind the Beebell coöperative. Everything was all here in this ridiculously small, isolated valley where folk lived the way they did because it was how they chose to live. She was also aware that she had an awful lot more to learn about the place, for on one level everything seemed very normal, yet on another level nothing was what it appeared to be and more to the point no one was who or maybe what she seemed to be either. Some of the folk just seemed to get by, yet this was a society that had access to fabulous amounts of money, though none lived the sort of a lifestyle that most outside in possession of that kind of money would. Most of the individuals who were clearly held in the highest respect had little about them to distinguish them from anyone else and some were but children, which made sense and then again it made no sense at all. Then again she rationalised, ‘I do have the rest of my life to work it all out in, for I’m going nowhere, and if I die before I understand it all I’ll just be like everyone else.’ These were not English folk she lived amongst, they weren’t even Scandinavians of any description of the modern world. These were folk like a modern day version of her ancestors whom somehow time had bypassed. Folk who didn’t just say their sǫgur(10) on Saturday evenings in the wholly male environment of the Green Dragon Inn taproom, but folk who like her ancestors were the stuff of which those sǫgur were made, and those video recordings were the modern day equivalent of the written sǫgur she was so familiar with.
She knew that that environment was not forbidden to her just because she was a woman, but her presence would alter it, make it less authentic, and that she had no desire to do. Just as she knew women were different in the presence of men so men too were different in the presence of women, and it had nothing to do with deception it was simply a matter of identity, of biology. Some women like Adalheidis had crossed over the line, yet they were definitely women having left all, if any, manhood they’d ever possessed behind them. She’d known a few men who crossed going the other way leaving womanhood behind them, yet they were still men. Persons like Richard and Rachael could exist in either environment, but only one at a time. They’d explained to her how when in Rachael mode they were all woman and when in Richard mode they were all man. They’d opined maybe there were some few persons who could be comfortable in both simultaneously, but they doubted that the persons around them at the time would be at all comfortable with that situation. That was a long time ago, maybe things were different today, she pondered, but probably not.
However, there were the videos of the sǫgur being said available for all, men and women, to access in the library. That way she could remain the woman she was with no sideways looks, and enjoy her heritage, for these folk truly were twenty-first century Vikings. Though very different from the Vikings of a millennium ago, and despite the presence of the internet and things of similar modernity, Bearthwaite folk thought like Vikings, their culture was Viking, and even the way they governed and regulated their society was Viking. Though their lawspeaker who presided over their thing(11) changed according to need, he or she was always a recognised authority in their society whose authority was recognised by all. Only the High Fell speakers used the words lawspeaker and thing in their original sense any more, but the role and the events were the same regardless of Bearthwaite current word usage. She was looking forward to seriously upsetting some of her kin and their friends in Iceland and Norway with that tale, that saga.
That High Fell was essentially an ancient Norse tongue was evident to her because she was familiar with old Norse dialects and languages of a thousand years ago due to having read the ancient sǫgur as written. None spoke anything like that any more, except the shepherds she had recently been in conversation with. She was a rare person and she had found her niche in two senses. A negotiating solicitor was her official job title, but to Anneliese her real day to day existence was as the link between the oldest and most ill understood sǫgur and the modern day Vikings of Bearthwaite whom she spoke to daily in their own tongue, which was neither English nor any Scandinavian language spoken for centuries. Old sǫgur that she alone could translate into modern Icelandic, for the shepherds wouldn’t talk to outsiders of such and it required her fluency with all the Scandinavian tongues past and present to render their sǫgur into to anything other than a millennium old, mostly ill understood language.
As Anneliese came to understand Bearthwaite culture better and became fluent in High Fell translating the sǫgur many of which were older than a millennium and the sǫgur created since those days too, that the shepherds entertained themselves and their dogs with around the eve fires up on the tops of the fjälls, as they referred to the fells as, became easier and eventually easy. She’d spent a lot of time up on the tops with them and hearing them said in what was now their native environment gave her shades of understanding that she knew could have been understood no other way. Shepherds and wallers from other fells eventually heard of her and came to say their sǫgur for her to record, many were grateful, for they’d long been fearful their particular subculture was about to die with them, for they were in many places the last of a dying breed with no youngsters to replace them and keep what had been a vibrant culture alive. Most stayed and joined their Bearthwaite brethren, for there was guaranteed employment, respect and community there.
That some of those shepherds’ tales filled in incomplete sǫgur, parts that were simply missing or others where the original documents or rune chiselled stones were damaged to the point of unreadability was a wonder to many not just Anneliese. That some sǫgur were completely unknown even more so. Their authenticity was beyond question, for they referred to folk and events known from other sǫgur that the shepherds couldn’t possibly know of other than as a result of a millennium old oral tradition of what they referred to as saga say, the word perfect recitation of sǫgur that they were till teaching their apprentices, for none were scholars and many were illiterate. The completely unknown sǫgur that referred to unknown folk and unknown events had to be taken seriously, for they came from the same source as the verifiable sǫgur, and there were hundreds of them. That many of the sǫgur provided explanations of not well understood events, words and expressions and expanded understanding of others and even introduced old events and words that had been lost made them a treasure trove for those who were scholars, but they had to be translated into comprehensible modern languages first and that was a task that Anneliese was uniquely able to accomplish.
Anneliese was to become the expert on the variations amongst High Fell from fell to fell and for the first time ever it was being recorded in writing, though with the blossoming of High Fell as a result of Bearthwaite’s activities it possibly was no longer necessary. There was no longer a single runic script or carving in existence that was a mystery. Just to amuse herself Anneliese decided to record all that she knew in as many variations of runes as she had recently been made aware off. Some sǫgur, both script and chiselled in stone, she photocopied from photographs and filled in the blank and missing portions, others where nothing was known she started with a blank page. Years later when she’d finished she had ‘The Rune Book of Bearthwaite’ bound, each page having a modern translation on the facing page. Facsimile copies became popular and added to Bearthwaite’s income. Anneliese was to become a globally fêted Viking language scholar, but that was in her future.
Hamilton said in the taproom to an interested audience, “I’m delighted to tell you that Livvy has been accepted at Glasgow, her first choice of university, and with a full scholarship to boot. They don’t award one of those every year. They have to believe a student is special to be awarded one. In days of yore, a century or more back, Livvy could have become a vet by apprenticeship. All such persons were enrôlled into the professional veterinary association as veterinary practitioners when the apprenticeship route was closed by act of Parliament in I think nineteen twenty, but I could be wrong about the date. Veterinary matters have a long and complex legal history in the UK. We had to study up on it at university, but to be honest it wasn’t the most interesting aspect of the course and as soon as I’d passed the examination on it I worked damned hard to forget it as fast as possible.” None who knew him believed Hamilton, for he had an amazing memory for just about everything he’d ever come across, but his point had been taken, the subject matter was dull and probably only of interest to a veterinary historian interested in legal matters too, and it was possible such a person didn’t actually exist.
Harry asked, “I tek it yon folk as interviewed Livvy, the ones you telt us you’d informed about her mercy killing that wizent(12) beast with a knife to put it out of its misery, knew nowt about subsequent events, Hamilton? The beast as that idiot had hit with his waggon when driving like a lunatic on the lonning is the one I’m on about, not the one she shot in Vincent’s yard.”
“Well I didn’t tell them, Harry. The only relevant part of the tale was what she did and how well she did it. There was no need for them to know any more was there? That sort of thing is best kept here isn’t it?”
Chance added, “Hamilton, I’ll finish the tale for them as don’t know it. Unless the artic driver had telt one of them, the university folks would had been completely unaware that he’d been telt to turn around by driving round the village green and to go without unloading. By the time he’d reached the village the word was out. Ain’t texting a wonderful thing? I think everybody in the village knew what had happened by then. Murry made a point of being there to meet him, along with a few hundred other folks too, and none of them were at all happy with that driver. It was Murray that telt him to sling his hook(13) and just go. He protested he had a load to deliver. Murray was looking daggers at him as he telt him that he had just cost his employer, or at least their insurance company, a minimum of two thousand pounds, for that was the value of the beast he’d caused to have been put down, that couldn’t legally be selt as meat for folk to eat any more, and that there would be the vet’s bill to be paid on top of that.
“Charlie was fair frothing at the mouth when he telt him that idiots who drove like he did were not welcome at Bearthwaite and that from the look of it there was more than two grands’ worth of damage done to his waggon. Murray put the boot in and telt him to tell his bosses that their goods had not yet been paid for, nor would they be, so he’d best tell ’em not to bother sending an invoice, for Bearthwaite would be seeking another supplier who employed better drivers, because often, as the road signs informed drivers, there was a flock of sheep or a herd of dairy cows being moved down the lonning, and far worse it could have been a child helping to move those animals he’d hit. That was the moment the driver decided that the anger of hundreds of grim faced folk, many of them blokes holding tasty looking pieces of firewood, was not something he wished to confront, so he left. Some of the lads who’d looked ready and eager to give him some on the spot, hands on counselling concerning driving on country lonnings seemed bit disappointed that he’d left so tamely. Still as one of them said to another, ‘You can’t win ’em all, Lad, and at least this way he was able to walk and drive that waggon away rather than one of us having to shift him and his waggon down to the lonning ends till an ambulance and a driver could collect ’em. And it’ll not give Michael Graham any grief this way.’ I couldn’t see who they were, but I could hear the murmurs of agreement all around them. I reckon he was one lucky man.
“Adalheidis has been in contact with the hauliers and their insurance company and sent them the CCTV footage from the cameras on the lonning. Michael Graham’s best estimate was he was doing above sixty miles an hour [100km/hour] when he rounded the bend and hit the bison, when twenty [32km/hour] as like the signs say would have been more sensible and enabled him to stop in time. Adalheidis sent the hauliers and the insurance a copy of Michael’s report too. For those as don’t know him Michael is the local police sergeant and he’s from here. He’s not long since moved back as his missus is from here too and both their parents are getting on. They prefer living here and from our point of view having a copper that’s one of us living here has definite advantages. His missus is next door drinking and gossiping with the other lasses, and he’d be in here, but he’s working the night. Whatever the weather does the poor bloke will be out in it till six in the morning. I can’t say as I’d fancy it. Dealing with violent, Saturday night piss heads, smack heads and other assorted lunatics in the pissing rain isn’t my idea of having a good Saturday night.
“Any way back to the tale. Adalheidis telt the insurance company that they needed to pay up pretty damned sharp because as they were aware she’d already informed the police who also had a copy of the vet’s report. She telt them she’d also informed the ministry of transport, and she’d heard that they had already, as was automatic in such cases, impounded all the driver’s tacho(14) data just in case it was needed to be produced in court. She telt me that the police wouldn’t prosecute because the lonning is private property not a public highway, but the option of a private prosecution was always open to us, and she’d telt the insurance company that we were still considering our options. Harry, Charlie and their mates as drive big uns all reckon for a waggon whether loaded or no ten miles an hour [16km/hour] is about right on the lonning in dry weather and less than half that is appropriate in the wet on the poorer stretches and the part with all the blind corners, and that’s all they do. We’ve all been behind ’em from time to time, so we know that’s true. Charlie suggested we have extra signage put up to that effect for HGVs(15) and Harry agreed. Stan is going to do the sign writing.
“The insurance company have already sent the money by direct bank transfer including the five hundred quid [$620] vet’s fee for despatching the beast. We didn’t see the point of telling them that it was done by Hamilton’s apprentice. Elleanor is happy, it was was a nice bonus for her considering the beast had only been a few weeks off slaughter anyway and Vincent paid her the going rate. Hamilton stamped and signed the vet’s invoice, but insisted Livvy had the money. She’s already spent it on study books for when she goes to Glasgow. Seemingly veterinary books and the like are damned dear. Being Livvy I don’t doubt she’s read them all through at least once by now. Hellfire, I tell you that lass can read fast, and I wish I had a fraction of her memory. Adalheidis’ advice is that now we have the money and a new supplier it’s probably best just to forget all about it. None here are out of pocket, and as she put it, ‘Thank the gods Livvy was nearby after coneys and the beast didn’t have to suffer over long.’ Murray and I agreed with her.”
Chance continued, “I’ve a tale that’ll put a smile on many a face here. Murray, in his capacity as the non headteacher of the school that we don’t have has long had detailed records kept on what our kids do when they leave school at sixteen after GCSEs, at eighteen after A’ levels(16) and after graduating from university too. I can see some puzzled faces, so I’ll explain. What we refer to as the school legally isn’t a school. The buildings are owned by all the adult Bearthwaite residents via Beebell and the teachers use them rent free. Despite most of the teaching being done by qualified teachers, legally they ain’t teachers, they’re private tutors paid by the kids parents via their accountants, that’s Murray, Emily, me and a few others. That is why Ofsted have no rights to inspect us here. It ain’t a school and the kids are all privately educated. Legally they are all home schooled. Even before we pulled that stunt when it legally was a school we never had a headteacher because we didn’t need one. On the rare occasion when we had a minor discipline issue a word with the kid’s mother soon sorted the matter out. Our kids are okay about their dad’s giving ’em a hard time, but they don’t like it when their mums get upset with ’em.
“However, the LEA, that’s the Local Education Authority, reared up on us and said legally we had to have a head who carried the responsibility for everything that happened, so Murray, because he was chairman of Beebell, the Bearthwaite coöperative, was appointed. The LEA kicked up a fuss about that because he wasn’t a qualified teacher and didn’t do any teaching. Murray knocked them back by telling them most heads in the county’s LEA schools didn’t teach either, and that they functioned as unqualified administrators, a job which he at least was qualified to do. He presented them with exactly what every local authority head in the county actually did and said if they wanted to make anything of it he’d see them in court. I think it wasn’t till we opened the school up to secondary children [11-18] too that he taught sixth form economics and such like. I teach business studies and I ain’t a teacher either, but like Murray I am an accountant. We have a lot of folk who know their stuff teaching who aren’t qualified teachers. Some of them only teach a few hours a week, one of them only teaches one hour a week. But it works and gets our kids brilliant results. So that’s why Murray is the non headteacher of the school we don’t have. We usually refer to it as the Bearthwaite Education Establishment, which is okay on paper but a bit of a gob full to say.
“Back to what I was saying. Murray reckons that educating our own is finally beginning to pay off big time, because our kids average level of attainment is way better than even most so called excellent schools, and out of sight better than the national average. It’s not an official statistic because Ofsted don’t have any data other than what we and the examination boards publish, but we have one of the best schools in the UK, so eat your heart out Whiteport Academy,(17) which is where our secondary school kids used to attend. We’ve had any number of kids leave Bearthwaite for education all over the world involving agriculture, forestry and land recovery from various past ill usages. There were all kinds of other related stuff some of them went to study, not just at universities and other educational establishments, but experimental spots and working farms engaged in activities our kids were interested in learning about too. Hamilton was pleased to know now some of them are returning he has experts in fish and coney culture to consult with. Three of the kids will be returning at the back of the summer after studying bees for three years. Two went to the States and the other to Australia. They all spent considerable time as part of their degree courses with huge bee keeping outfits. A lot of our kids don’t want to leave here because they want to settle down and have a family and work here. Our kids, unlike kids outside, choose to marry and most marry young. As a result we have a lot doing Open University degrees via the internet. Probably about half our kids doing degrees are doing them with the OU. It works for us and we have a lot of folk here who can provide additional help too and it’s easy enough to arrange practical experience outside from time to time with decent folk who are glad to do us the favour. We’ve currently four of our kids who’ve done their degrees and are doing their OU post graduate teaching qualifications here with our teachers mentoring them. The legal situation took a bit of sorting out, but the OU are happy with it now. More to the point all four of the kids want to teach here.
“However, what’ll really put a smile on your faces is what some of those kids have been doing for a couple of years now with that lower level fell land we bought a few years back. Much of that land was acquired for a song because it was so poor, though we ended up paying somewhat over the going rate at the auctions to make damned sure we acquired it. The vendors were smug because they believed they’d selt it at rip off prices to the pathetically stupid interbreds(18) from Bearthwaite. Well they’re not laughing at us now. They’ve just realised that what we patheticly stupid interbreds have done with that piss poor land has transformed it into a highly productive and lucrative arable property worth dozens of times what we paid for it. It is no where near as poor as was assumed. Yes there was bedrock outcropping through the bracken which covered the entire property, but now we know that there is nowhere near as much as the vendors and their neighbours believed. They obviously had just believed what had been said for years if not generations about it.
“The bracken covered the land to a foot and a half in winter and three or four feet in summer, and the only way to see what was actually there was to walk over every square yard [square metre] in winter when it was free of snow, or to clear it. They hadn’t been bothered to do the former and were unable to do the latter, so they’d been sitting on and not using some seriously worthwhile land for centuries not just generations. We obviously didn’t care what was there. We bought it because it is where it is, and were prepared to make the best out of whatever was there. What is seriously rubbing salt into the vendors wounds is it was something their families could have eventually achieved generations ago had they but had the intelligence and some application. It made them smart even more when the kids telt them, just for badness,(19) that we Bearthwaite interbreds had believed at the time of purchase that we’d bought the land at a price we considered to be almost theft because we knew what could be done with it.
“I was telt Gunni Peabody’s reclamation of that huge stretch of bracken out Brother Fell way just by putting a hundred or so Tuskers on it really upset the folks who selt it to us. Once it could be seen where the outcrops broke through the surface Gunni had Saul’s demolition lads use explosives to remove the outcrops which were then put through the crusher. Alan Peabody had one of his experienced men plough it and use an antique trailed chain harrow(20) on the bits he wasn’t prepared to risk a plough on. The lads now have the Large Blacks doing the final clearance before it’ll be ploughed again, harrowed and sown with winter barley this back end, probably the last week of September or the first week of October if the weather coöperates. They’ve already earmarked the next tract of bracken for clearing by the Tuskers and Gervin’s lads are on with the fencing at the moment. Gunni has said if we want it clearing in a reasonable time frame they won’t be providing any of the Tuskers for meat this year. It’s only Vincent that’s disappointed by that. Jeremy said that he had enough Tusker carcasses in store with Christine for the barbecues and if he runs out he has some Tamworths available.” Vincent’s disappointment was understood by many because the Tuskers did make exceptionally fine eating which caused a good deal of laughter.
“Those lads have finally got the entire sequence of operations down to a fine art. If possible they have the land ploughed and then move the Tuskers on to it. Some of the lightly wooded land is difficult for even a small tractor with a plough or chain harrow but feasible with their Shires, so that’s what they do. They’re using the best of the old and the new. If ploughing isn’t possible even with the horses due to trees or the terrain the Tuskers are best for riving up any virgin bracken. It’s like watching a plough at work when they go snouts down and effortlessly move through sod you couldn’t get a grike(21) into never mind a spade. If need be any outcrops are blown out and crushed and if the land can be ploughed or harrowed they have that done again after the Tuskers have done the first clearance, if not they leave the Tuskers on for another month and feed ’em a bit more. By that time they usually want the Tuskers somewhere else, so they move ’em to the new site and leave the next stage of cleaning up the first site to either the Tamworths or the Large Blacks. If the site isn’t arable in nature, after sowing with a grass and wild flower mix, the lads’ sisters’ sheep kill every trace of bracken off by constantly grazing the fiddleheads(22) off, but that may take a few years. If the site is arable in nature they wait till the harvest is done, have the land ploughed and or harrowed and put a sounder of domestic pigs on it till it needs prepared for sowing the next crop. They plan on doing that as often as it takes to clean the last of the bracken out and maybe indefinitely if they need somewhere to put the pigs.
“The domestic breeds are over faced by virgin bracken even if it is ploughed first. They can do the job, but they take much longer to do so than the Tuskers. The Large Black Tusker hybrids look like big Tuskers. They are as good as the Tuskers at bracken clearance but bigger and faster. However, Gunni keeps them separate and is currently using them on Flat Top Fell. He reckons they’ll clean the bracken out within five years and is leaving ’em up there with plenty of shelter and that Large Black boar. The lads doing the tree planting up there say the entire sounder is so tame they’re can be a nuisance, but a bucket of grain scattered out into the bracken keeps ’em out of the way and entertained for hours. Gunni calls the hybrids Delvers and has decided to barrow(23) all the boars, so he knows what the breeding is. It’ll be two or three years before he has enough in the sounder to start culling some of the barrows for meat. If in the future he needs to reinforce the Tusker in them he intends to replace the Large Black boar with a big Tusker boar for a few years before reverting to a big Large Black.
“However, back to what I was saying. Once the Tuskers have cleaned out the bulk of the bracken rhizomes domestic breeds can finish the job. Riving up and rooting through virgin bracken looking for the rhizomes to eat is a job the Tuskers are ideally suited for. Only the Delvers can compete with them at ratching out the rhizomes. Which means for anybody else to try it they’d need to get hold of or breed up a decent sized sounder of Tuskers, but DEFRA(24) won’t allow the movement of native suids from out of an area where they exist in the wild state into another where they don’t. Interestingly, DEFRA don’t seem to count the lads’ Tuskers as feral suids any more and regard all of what was Cumbria as a suid free area. They have classified the Tuskers and the Delvers as managed pigs and Gunni’s names Tuskers and Delvers have been appearing on official DEFRA paper work with increasing frequency for some time now. Originally where the form said breed they would put wild boar or feral boar, now they put Tusker or Delver, even though they know the Delvers are still a breed in the making. DEFRA are okay with the lads’ management of their Tuskers because they ain’t being selt alive, they ain’t moving ’em far and they ain’t moving ’em off Beebell owned land, but I reckon it won’t be long before none of that will matter. The Delvers they ain’t bothered about because they see them as a Large Black derivative rather than a Tusker derivative. One DEFRA woman telt Gunni that since the only boar the sounder was being run with was a Large Black and all male offspring were being barrowed it was the only sensible way to view the matter since every generation was nearer to Large Black than the generation before.
“DEFRA are happy with what the lads are doing on our land outside the valley because from the other side of our land they’ve watched the fencing process and according to Gervin Maxwell and some of his fencing gang they were well impressed, and said they believed there was an absolutely minimal chance of them escaping to bother land owners anywhere else. Seemingly they were happy enough when Gunni telt them, ‘These are my fucking pigs we’re talking about. If any of the bastards escape I’ll be out there fetching the buggers back. They’ll follow anyone who rattles a feed bucket at ’em, so it won’t be difficult.’ That they were seen to be tame and wanted petting and scratching when Gunni was in with them doubtless helped to make them be better thought of. Perhaps the most significant fact is because Gunni makes sure any with a nasty temperament end up as meat pretty damned quick the Tuskers are no longer classified as wild or feral boar, and they’re achieving official recognition as a managed breed distinct from the unmanaged ones elsewhere. I reckon having Hamilton officially down as their vet and having a breed name helped. With a vet and breed status they can’t be described as wild or feral and since DEFRA haven’t managed to dream up another classification the only other option is managed or domestic, so they come under all the regulations that domestic pigs do which Gunni said could be a pain, but he added that the other side of that coin is that it also gives the lads the right to do anything with them that they can do with long established breeds of domestic pig.” Chance raised his glass and said, “Gentlemen, I’d like you all to raise your glasses and drink a toast to the patheticly stupid interbreds. Here’s to us, Lads.” The cheers and laughter as the men drank to us and to the patheticly stupid interbreds took some time to fade and glasses were refilled and drained several times as the toasts were celebrated over and over again.
After a while Hal Levens asked, “Just how many of those beasts are the Peabody lads running these days?”
Hamilton replied, “I’m not sure how many adults, but Gunni Gris telt me a good few weeks since that they had not far off five hundred humbugs(25) this year and a dozen or so sows yet to farrow. So probably fifty to a hundred sows and ten to twenty mature boars. With possibly another couple of hundred each of immature gilts(26) and barrows. By the end of this year it may be as many as a twelve hundred in total. I doubt if even Gunni knows for sure because they are all at work on bracken where it’s hard to see them all, especially the humbugs who are small and well camouflaged. When they feed them they take photos and video to try to count them, but even that isn’t guaranteed to catch them all. Nobody knows exactly how many Delvers there are because the Flat Top Fell is such a large site with so many places where they can’t be seen. Gunni is thinking about putting another Large Black boar with maybe fifty Tusker sows on the site hoping they’ll run as two distinct sounders. If they coalesce into one sounder there’re enough sows to keep two boars from battling over them.” There were nods and smiles of appreciation from local men who considered it ironic that their most powerful land reclamation tool had been provided free of charge by fluke. Better yet they had Hamilton who knew how to use it and youngsters with the drive and desire to combine the tool and the knowledge and put the combination into practice. Now known by all who had anything to do with them as Tuskers the native suids had simply walked into their custody from where none knew, and provided a lot of tasty meat too that was especially appreciated at the community barbecues held on the village green. The community barbecues were all cooked under the aegis of Jeremy the local proprietor of the Granary Restaurante and served with his especially delicious barbecue sauce that was so tasty that Christine had it made it up by the vat to bottle and can for sale in the tourist shop where it walked off the shelves and from the website too where it sold equally well.
“I don’t want a detailed accounting, Chance, but I would like to know how we’re doing financially. A thumbnail sketch really is what I’m asking for.”
Chance smiled and said, “That’s thirsty work, Pete, and brain taxing too, so I’ll need a fresh pint to lubricate my vocal cords and a glass of chemic to lubricate my grey cells too. Maybe we should all have one.” There was a lot of laughter at that, but none argued and it was several minutes before Chance could start. “I’m sure we all, and by that I means locals and visitors alike, realise that this is a public place with a lot of folk here who should not be privy to the entire financial dealings of Beebell, and a lot of local lads who would be bored senseless by them too. I know it’s already been mentioned tonight, but I’ll provide a more detailed explanation about Beebell. Beebell is the name of the coöperative company that runs all the community owned resources of our folk who live both here in the valley and outside it too. Every adult accepted as Bearthwaite folk is an equal shareholder in Beebell. It was initially a name coined by the media for Bearthwaite Business Enterprises Limited or BBEL during our recent court cases with the utilities company and RSPB. The name caught on, and we liked it, so we adopted it and registered it with Companies House(27) as a trading name of BBEL. However, despite the need for some discretion on my part, I’ll give as much information as you are likely to be interested in as I can.
“I may as well start with our farming and forestry activities, but first I’ll cover what we’re not spending money on. We in the valley are as near as damn it independent of outside for food and fuel. We are completely independent of outside for electricity, potable water and sewage disposal, all of which we are all provided with at cost. In the main that cost is the wages of those who work to provide the service and a small amount for transport, incidentals and the like. At the worst some of us pay the absolute minimum in Council tax because we are provided with no services by the Council whatsoever. The rest of us are on Council Tax relief benefit. Purely a personal opinion here, but from my stand point what services the powers that be say they do provide us with we could well do without and keep the cash. We do all pay for maintenance of the lonning and all other services provided by Beebell like education, transport, medical services, the ranger service and a whole host of other bits and pieces, again all at cost. Beebell is a highly profitable enterprise that ploughs most of its profits back into itself in terms of its assets. The situation for Bearthwaite folk who live outside the valley is somewhat different and constantly under review which means I can’t say anything about that, not because I’m unwilling but because I’m not certain where we are at right now. There’s a meeting about that in ten days when doubtless all involved will be brought up to speed by each other.
“One of the things that makes Beebell so profitable is its complete lack of debts. The Bearthwaite Valley mortgage was paid off gey early by some of our wealthier residents who allowed the other residents to pay off their obligations at a minimal interest rate enabling them to invest in other valley improvements at the same time. Since the Bearthwaite residents paid off the last of what they owed for the purchase of the valley no more loans have ever been taken out. That means no interest has to be paid out, so our assets in terms of land and property are increasing all the time, which makes more profit and so on.
“Not long after he came here doctor Wing started buying all our drugs and other medical supplies on the international markets at much cheaper prices than the NHS(28) were obtaining them. At that point we stopped using the outside pharmacy. Our prescription charges here aren’t worth collecting, so we don’t. They get absorbed into the running cost of all our medical services which Murray reclaims from the NHS at the prices they are paying. That enables Murray on Sun’s authority and instructions to order more efficacious and expensive drugs than the NHS buy and Sun to prescribe drugs like low lever pain relief, paracetamol [US acetaminophen or Tylenol] and ibuprofen, and hay fever tablets that the NHS won’t prescribe. Since Sun already had the contacts he started buying for the dental surgery, the podiatry clinic and the veterinary practice too. Well, they all tell Murray’s staff what they want to buy who buy everything in Sun, Tony, Mackenzie and Hamilton’s names. Sun is doctor Wing’s first name if you didn’t know. Actually it’s his last name. He is Wing Tan Sun in Cantonese, but Sun is his personal name. Wing is his family name. That’s how it’s done over there.
“Too, Sun has been looking for a qualified pharmacist to take over that aspect of his work and Murray has some interviews lined up. The intention is to run our own pharmacy that would buy all it’s drugs and other things on the international markets and like other pharmacies charges the NHS for the service. We are entitled to do that and it will mean we will recover an even more significant amount of the taxes we’ve paid back from the government. Just recently Murray interviewed four potential pharmacists. The first three he described as male chauvinist pigs but the fourth he appointed as the Bearthwaite pharmacist. She’s a fully qualified young lass called Lennox MacUspaig. She’s currently handling the purchase, storage and distribution of medical supplies far more efficiently than Sun was doing, his words not mine, and spending time with Edwin Burn one of the fencers. Murray wishes to handle the matter regards the money and the NHS and admits a significant reason for that is pure spite due to the way the government has dealt with him in the past. I’d be happy to deal with it, but who am I to upset Murray?” The laughter from local men took a while to die down, for all knew Murray had been at loggerheads with officialdom for decades rather than years.
“We’re making money out of forestry, agriculture, aquaculture, the water we sell down country and the various trading activities that go on in the mill which include production of clothes and shoes. Our demolition and site clearance organisation not only makes money directly it provides raw materials for our construction folk, fuel from demolition timber, scrap metal, some of which we use and the rest we usually trade for metal we want, as well as any number of other things too. Any number of us make money directly and even more of us indirectly from the tourist trade and the goods they buy including some high priced, luxury goods, and the same goes for the sale of dairy and soya products, beer and spirits some of which are sold in considerable quantities to outside. I’m not prepared to be foolish enough to put numbers to any of that, and in any event without access to the entire picture, which would take weeks for anyone to get their head around, all numbers would be meaningless. What I shall say is that as a community we can afford to provide our elderly, our children and those who need extra support with whatever they need and probably with all of what they want too.
“As an aside, I’ll add that most of what they want costs nowt. Company, care and feeling valued are something that we all, men, women and kids, deliver, not as a service, but as part of being decent human beings and neighbours, and that covers most of what they, like the rest of us, need and want. We can easily afford to educate all our youngsters to whatever level they are able and wish to go to, and we can easily afford to allow them to go anywhere in the world they wish to acquire that education and training from. That includes whatever moneys they need for maintenance too. Murray and I decided years ago that any scholarship money they win as a result of their studies should not offset our contributions, for that would act as a disincentive. If they study that hard they should reap the benefits from it. As a community we all benefit, mostly indirectly I’ll admit, but not entirely so, from whatever experiences of foreign cultures they are exposed to. At one extreme they have interesting tales to tell our elderly who in some cases can only enjoy life through the lives of others, at the other extreme they bring back new food ideas, technical mechanisms, farming ideas and concepts that potentially put money into the Bearthwaite coffers.
“We need the competent students who study in the UK and return ready to contribute, but we also need the adventurers, the dreamers and the off the wall, out of the box thinkers. If any of you doubt that, what the hell do you think Alf is? And how much has he contributed to our lives over the years? If that embarrasses you, Alf, I’m sorry, Lad, it wasn’t meant to. Look around you. Every one of the lads you know well obviously agrees with me, and that is how we have always seen you. I agree you’re a bit of a dodgy bastard when playing dominoes, but hell we can’t have it all.” The roars of laughter eased Alf’s embarrassment considerably and most were aware that was why Chance had threwn in his last remark. “Time to deal with the glasses, Lads.”
After a break of ten minutes or so Chance resumed, “It’s nowhere near all completely sorted yet but we started taking on youngsters off the streets in the county and now we take them from all over the country. We’re choosy whom we take and the criteria aren’t easy to define, but originally we did so as a charitable act because we’d had a few kids end up here by accident who fitted in well, and they said there must be others who would too. We reckoned it would help us to acquire residents who would benefit and we would benefit too. The idea grew and since the government offer incentives to companies who offer apprenticeships to youngsters, now we’re taking a lot of money off the authorities for our residential apprenticeship courses. Money we use to help even more kids with bigger needs than just training.”
Many locals were nodding but saying nothing, for they knew that Chance was referring to kids whose biggest need was just to disappear from abuse from their families and the authorities, and the best place to hide a child in safety was in amongst hundreds of other children. The money Chance’s staff were taking off the government nowhere near covered what was required to protect those abused kids and provide them with safe caring homes, education, apprenticeships and whatever else they needed, but it helped. As for the so called residential apprenticeship courses, that was a fancy name to gain official approval for rescuing homeless kids off the streets of towns and cities all over the UK. It was unofficial adoption, schooling and training and often involved providing children with new names and recording them as several years older than they truly were. All suspicions the authorities may have had they kept to themselves, for Bearthwaite, for reasons the authorities didn’t understand, was relieving them of matters that garnered poor publicity and there was more than adequate evidence shewing that such children were not just well treated but thriving. That evidence came from any who had dealings with Bearthwaite not just NCSG,(29) a highly regarded organisation with considerable status as a child welfare promoter of impeccable credentials.
“Moving on from education to other services. We can afford to provide whatever level of any and all medical care needed and the same for legal and accounting services, which includes all preparation of accounts and dealings with the tax man, too. I’ll add that a number of our folk, both long time Bearthwaite folk and some who have newly moved here as Bearthwaite folk, have benefited dramatically from the services provided by Jimmy. Most know that Jimmy is a retired Carlisle solicitor and has long been a friend of ours drinking here with us and telling a tale from time to time. When he retired he and Hayley moved here from Carlisle and she now teaches Chemistry to the older kids here. What many may not know is that Jimmy not only now works with Adalheidis, but he has long been a top of the trees family solicitor and an expert on divorce matters. As a result some of our folk who recently moved here and were in the process of being screwed over after separation and divorce before he took a hand are now getting what they are entitled to. Some of those folk are friends of my self and Stephanie my good lady and on behalf of both of us I’d like to thank Jimmy publicly for his recent court triumphs. Thanks, Jimmy. Wave a hand, Lad, so that folks know who you are.” Jimmy waved and received a round of appreciation, for many knew about his recent accomplishments in court, though all thought it appropriate that Chance hadn’t named any of those that Jimmy had aided in front of outsiders.
Chance continued, “As a result of our housing policies, property prices here, and everywhere else we control, are low and affordable for our children and new Bearthwaite folk and unavailable to those we do not wish to live with us. We are continuing to buy up properties in areas outside the valley where a lot of our folk dwell. As a result of our economic policies, salaries and prices are low here which means we all pay a very low proportion of our salaries in taxes which is reasonable because we get next door to nowt of any use to us for what we do pay. Many of us pay no income tax because we fail to reach the threshold for the lowest level of taxation. The coöperative structure and ownership of Beebell means it pays far less corporation tax than a similar sized company, in terms of either turnover or profit, not run under the coöperative ownership legislation. In short we’re doing all right and have considerable reserves in the kitty which we’ll be having a meeting about in the near future. At that meeting Murray and I shall be presenting numbers which have yet to be finalised and Emily shall present possible options as to what to do with some of that money. We’ll be expecting folk to come up with more ideas too. Adalheidis and Jimmy will be presenting their initial thoughts on the legal consequences of whatever conclusions we arrive at. That okay, Pete? Or do you have anything specific you want to know more about?”
“No. Thanks, Chance. I asked because I wanted to know what my kids and grandkids could look forward to. I suppose if you’d telt me a decent and secure future that would have done.” There was gentle laughter at that, for most just wanted to know how things were going. Recently things had become far more financially lucrative and complicated than most of them could understand, and if the professionals they trusted, who did understand it, all said the current state of affairs was sustainable and things were looking up that was all that most of them wished to know.
Tommy said, “I’d like to add a bit to that, Chance. Something that most of us can at least get our heads around. The eco tourism like all the other specialist types of tourism we offer is flourishing. Despite Adalheidis’ recent battle with RSPB,(30) or maybe because of it, we suffered no loss of tourists, if anything we gained more, and at her victory we definitely gained many more. Bearthwaite repeat visitors telt many of us that they felt they were making a significant contribution to a real environmental cause. A cause that was opposing a major multi million pound organisation with a huge salary bill, especially for their senior officers, all of which is taken from contributions given to an organisation that prides itself on its charitable status. When the verdict was finally handed down and Adalheidis was seen to have won on all counts some of our friends who have been coming here for their holidays for over twenty years were in tears of joy.
“Quite separately, somehow some of the amphibians, that mind are all subject to legal protection, that dwell in the beck have made it over The Rise and onto the Calva Marsh on the other side of the main road though some didn’t make it over the road due to the vehicles that killed them. Some of our more influential Cumbrian visitors were seriously upset by that and have managed to twist the local authority’s arm into providing the Highways department with a budget to provide numerous pipes under the road so the wee beasties can cross without risking being flattened on the road. It appeared that a small budget for such things had been there for years but it had been kept quiet and never used for the purpose intended, so once that became generally known the authority couldn’t refuse to coöperate. The lads that did the pipe installation job were all ex workmates of Joe’s and they telt him it was one of the most worthwhile projects they’d been involved ever. It made their day when they spotted a huge female great crested newt emerge from a pipe at the far side of the road and head for some water into which she disappeared almost instantly. Mick, one of the highways lads doing the job, is a hobby naturalist who has bought our wildlife guides. He and his wife and children all enjoy spending their holiday time here which he said was a cheap holiday that provided a wide variety of activities for all members of his family whatever the weather. He added that she was the largest female great crested newt he’d ever seen and put her at about eight inches [20cm] in length. There was a small number of men in the taproom who were aware that significant numbers of amphibians, and quantities of spawn too, had been assisted completely illegally over the main road onto the mash which had been elliptically referred to once before in the taproom. (31)
“We live in a unique place, which is enhanced in appeal to tourists because we have a unique culture here and our visitors appreciate both. Lucy is constantly being telt by lasses who visit the shop that even if they wished to go somewhere else as a change one year there is nowhere else to go that is remotely similar or offers remotely similar activities. You’d think somebody somewhere would at least have the intelligence to try wouldn’t you, but apparently not. Thinking on it, a coastal site would be ideal. Maybe we should be looking into buying a low cost coastal site out west somewhere to enable us to spread our influence and protect our way of life. Too, the Wainwright type walking guides and the wildlife guides are just walking off the shelves. I don’t think there’s a single page in any of the wildlife guides that is now as it originally was. Every single one has been updated at least once and some have been updated many, many times. One of the major reasons the guides are so popular despite their high initial price is I print them off here in the post office on decent quality ay four [A4, 210mm x 297mm, 8.3 x 11.7 inches] photo paper. If some one comes into the post office for an update I look at the date on their front page, consult my file, print off all the pages they are entitled to that have been revised since that date and give them a new front page with that day’s date on. I pop the pages into their waterproof sleeves, or if some are a bit tatty into new sleeves, and away they go with completely up to date guides, all free of charge.
“They are all quite happy to pay the initial price if they want a guide they haven’t had before. Many start off with the birds guide, the mammals guide and the reptiles with amphibians guide, and later buy a moths and butterflies, or go onto trees and one of the flower series. The really keen buy the pond and ditch water life guides, the lichens guide and the like. I reckon we should provide access to microscopes for them in the school or the library. I’m thinking some sort of facility where folk can look at what they’ve collected. More folk would be keen to go in that direction because few will have access to that sort of scientific equipment at home, and that will enhance our reputation as a place for hobby naturalists to take a holiday. Of course the kids can use the equipment for school work too, so if we buy the stuff nominally for educational purposes we can reclaim all the tax on it. As time has gone on we’re getting more folk just ordering the entire series of guides from home to collect when they arrive. When I first produced them the entire set was two hundred and fifty quid,[$335] but times have changed and I have to charge three hundred and fifty [$469] now.
“Mind there are more guides in the set now, and most have more pages than originally. What sells them is the blank spaces and pages for them to record their own sightings and to include their own photographs too. However, I’m happy to provide revisions free for ever, and as many of the waterproof sleeves as folk need, it only costs pennies and the goodwill it generates more than makes up for the cost. Each customer has an ID number, so I know what they’ve bought and when, so if someone rings or texts I can easily look up what revisions they need and send them out by post. I don’t bother about the postage. I also buy any good photographs of anything I haven’t got or just would like to include for twenty quid a time, and some folk regard selling me a photo as an achievement that garners them a bit of kudos, for under the photo I always credit the photographer. Who am I to argue with that? We sell the wildlife and walking guides from the visitor shop in the mill as well as the post office. Chance is right we’re doing okay, but I’d like to say that that is due to all of us, every last man, woman and child, and as as long as we stay true to our ethics, principles and policies we shall always do all right.”
Tony said, “I think I’ll shove my three ha’pence(32) worth in at this point. It’s just a small point, but I’ve finally got the stud dog I’ve always wanted out of Livvy’s lurcher bitch, Legs. It’s out of Legs’ third litter. Livvy’s younger siblings and their friends have been been providing Vincent with a considerable quantity of coney meat, and virtually all of it catcht by Legs’ descendants. That bitch is threwing pups the like of which I’ve never seen before other than their dam. What I’m saying is we have to keep striving for quality. I sell good lurchers to non Bearthwaite folk, but I keep the best for here, even if it means losing money, so a keen kid can have a dog worth having, because it’s worth it to me. The Peabodys have done that with livestock for generations which is why they’ve always been the most successful farmers in the valley and up there with the best in the county. Perhaps it sounds callous and inhuman, but it’s been the principle we’ve used to decide whether to allow outsiders to join us or not since we took control of the housing stock, and we must stick to it, for it has always worked. The folk we’ve invited to join us have all been Bearthwaite folk before we accepted them and it has to stay that way.
“Completely separately I’m currently training that young dog that Aisling, Zia the ranger’s missus, brought over from Ireland. It ain’t the fastest of lurchers, but it’s fast enough. What makes it remarkable is its stamina. When faster dogs are fading from exhaustion it keeps going and usually makes a kill. Even the fastest of hares can’t keep going long enough to escape it. That’s my next major project fixing that stamina into a separate bloodline. It may take me the rest of my life, but I already know the bitch I’m going to put him to first. The laugh is it’s called Smitty after that Irish red ale, Smithwick’s.”
A crystal ball at that point would have seen that eventually Legs would retire as an active hunter of coneys, but that till she died in her sleep at the age of sixteen she was to be a major influence training the pups of what Tony in a moment of vision had once described as a strain of lurchers second to none that would become the envy of the county. When Livvy had been informed of Leg’s death in the final year of her MSc at Glasgow, she’d informed her tutor that she was taking a day off to attend a funeral. When asked if it was someone she was close to she’d replied tersely, ‘Very’ and left.
Edward a local forester and sawyer who along with anywhere between a dozen and fifty others, depending upon requirements, worked on all the Beebell forest properties said, “On the subject of wildlife, doubtless we’ll be getting increasing numbers of visitors coming to see and take photos and video of the pine martens. They’re breeding in such unbelievable numbers in the forest above the valley that the rangers don’t bother to count them any more. I heard years ago that on the big estates in Scotland, despite the protection given them by the law, the game keepers systematically kill them and the raptors too. The keepers always denied it, but I think it must have been true and probably still is. I say that because their populations are increasing on all our properties whether in Scotland, Northumbria or over in the west here. It seems obvious to me that that is because left alone they thrive in all types of environment, so in places where they are not thriving they mustn’t be being left alone.
“Since the Tuskers cleared the bracken out on the south west side of the valley head, the sheep close grazed sward(33) up there makes it much easier for visitors to walk in to take photographs, and the pine martens up there are no more bothered by folk than the sheep are. The shepherds say that as soon as a bracken fiddlehead pokes it head up above the grass it’s grazed off. The fiddleheads aren’t toxic(34) to sheep at that size and in the quantities they’ll be available. Continually being grazed off will exhaust the few remaining rhizomes and eventually the sheep will finish the job started by the Tuskers. The shepherds reckon it may take five years, so we need sheep on there for at least that long to effect a total recovery of the grazing land. It’s too steep to be usefully put under the plough, so the trees are not an issue, so that being the case we need to plant a few more to break the wind more effectively and give the martens a better environment. More trees means more martens and more martens means more happy visitors.
“However, those trees will need to be protected from the sheep and coneys for a couple of decades. I suggest a few Scot’s pines and a variety of native hardwoods including oaks to start with and once they’ve tamed the wind a bit, some sweet chestnut, walnut and almond trees along with some hazels which will probably grow as tall bushes rather than trees up there. That will provide the youngsters with a bigger source of income, and us with some more locally produced snacks in here. The kids can collect the acorns from the oaks rather than putting pigs up there to root for them because that would rive up what is now a decent sward. Clarence will appreciate the acorns for his acorn ale, and the lasses in the kitchens here always prefer to buy nuts off the kids for roasting to make salted snacks with rather than to buy them in from outside which inevitably is abroad. Aggie says the sweet chestnuts are usually Spanish, the almonds are inevitably Californian, the hazels mostly come from France and the walnuts are from all over Europe except the UK. The last batch she bought came from Azerbaijan. Clarence said there is no source of acorns available from any place other than our kids. Completely aside from all that, I’m thinking a row of pecan nut trees round the green would be a good idea for cooking with and snacks. I know they’re not native, but a lot of the fruit trees the allotment folk grow aren’t either, nor are tomatoes and we grow them. I’ll get the seed by buying a few bags of nuts from a selection of supermarkets before Christmas and give them to the tree nursery folk to raise.”
Edward took a drink before continuing. “On a different tack, I’ve a couple of tons of sand dumped on the concrete out behind my workshop. It’s been there going on a couple of years now and was left over from mixing the concrete for the footings of my new out building. I walked round that way looking for my geese the other morning. I swear the buggers hide just to make me go and look for ’em. The sand is a pretty firm pile now and there are a few weeds growing in it. The roots doubtless keep the pile intact. I was gobsmacked to see a hole dug right through it from both sides like a tunnel. The hole was nine or ten inch [225-250mm] in diameter. I looked closely at the sand and there were badger foot prints all over it and from the scraping claw marks it was obvious the tunnel had been dug by a badger. I say a badger because despite the hundreds of really clear tracks I doubt more than one because other than at mating time or a sow with cubs it’s rare round here for them to be social animals. I’ve read of it elsewhere, but I don’t know anyone that’s ever come across it anywhere near here. Harry telt me there must be at least one sett on Kingside Hill near Abbeytown for badgers are found as road kill near there on the Silloth road from time to time. If you mind a goodly while since he telt us about making badger sausages and hams from one he found there, but I’ve never heard of anyone who has actually seen them socialising round there.
“There were numerous small holes dug in the sand too and I wondered what it had been digging for, so I rang John Finkel. He’s a mate of mine who knows about that sort of thing because he’s been into stuff like that all his life. He was born and reared Newton Arlosh way, but went down country for a job going on twenty years since, he’s a game keeper, and he reckoned it had probably been digging up insects parasitised by those ichneumon wasps. They catch whatever it is they specialise in and lay eggs in it. The prey is often paralysed by the process and the eggs hatch and eat the prey from inside whilst it’s still alive. I’ll bet Hammer horror films(35) were eating their hearts out when they heard about that. Frank said some ichneumons bury their prey in soft soil and that my sand pile would have been perfect. He reckoned the badger probably smelled the prey and stopped by to dig up a few snacks. I sent him the photos I’d taken on my phone of the tunnel and he was as gobsmacked as I’d been. Here have a look.” Edward passed his phone round to much puzzlement.
“John telt me he’s had enough of southerners and living down there because the place is going mental and he wants to get back up here, but finding a job that he could do and would enjoy is proving to be difficult. He’ll be in his mid or late forties. I telt him to give Murray a bell because I was sure we’d have something where we’d suit each other just fine. I’ve never met his lass Josey but I know she’s eight maybe ten years younger than John. She’s from down that way. I don’t know what she’s ever done for work, but she took a long time out to be a proper mum and she seems like a nice lass. They’ve four kids, three lads and a lass. I got the impression they get bullied at school, maybe because their dad is from up here and speaks different, and the school says all the right things and does nowt. The kids are probably between eight and fourteen. Two of the lads and the lass are clever enough but Ross his youngest lad the third in the row sounds bloody bright and not getting taught like he should be. Murray said he has it organised for John to come up here on his next day off, and he has a range of things he could do, and work for Josey too if she wants it. I reckon we just got us another half a dozen of our kind of folk. Elle has sorted out a house for them and the school is expecting the kids and looking forward to meeting them especially Ross the bright one.”
Hamilton asked, “Send me a copy of those photos will you, Edward? May I pop round to have a look at it and take a few more photos? I’ll see if there’s owt that Tommy could use in his wildlife guides. His guide on local Hymenoptera aculeata, which collectively is bees, wasps, and ichneumons, is a relatively recent one because ichneumons are small and difficult as hell to identify, and he still needs material. Hymenoptera aculeata means stinging membranous winged insects. Some say it includes ants too because on mating day the flying ants have membranous wings. I’m not sure about that because ants bite rather than sting, but what do I know? I’m a vet and neither an
entomologist nor a taxonomist. I pointed Tommy to the expert source on them which is a book called Hymenoptera aculeata of the British Isles written by a bloke called Edward Saunders(36) and published in eighteen ninety-six. It’s still regarded as an authority on the subject despite the new species that have been identified since then and the modern photographs available that shew much more detail than the coloured plates that were included in some editions of his book. Damned rare book now. I’ve seen two copies of it, one in Keele University library, and I requested a copy years ago on an interlibrary request. It arrived from Warrington Museum, rather than from a library. Maybe your mate John can help out with Tommy’s guides.”
“Sure. If I’m not there just knock on and ask her indoors(37) to shew you where it is. I’ll tell her you’ll be round some time. How the hell do remember all that stuff, Hamilton?”
Hamilton said, “Thanks, Edward. As to remembering stuff, I just remember what I’m interested in like Alf does. Going back to what Edward said about the pine martens, much to the joy of our professional wildlife and ecological advisors they are indeed increasing in numbers and are spreading out to occupy more of our forested woodland. They are also predating a disproportionate number of gray squirrels rather than red squirrels.(38) I was talking about that to Livvy the other day and she said, and I quote her words somewhat loosely, ‘I suspect the explanation is simple. Grays are twice the size of reds. Our two squirrels don’t have much of an overlap in terms of the areas they inhabit. The pine martens are probably going for the bigger meal, so staying where the grays are to be found which will leave the reds alone. Too, the martens and the reds evolved together on this side of the pond,(39) so their populations will tend to be in balance because the reds will be constantly on the lookout for martens. They’ll be harder for the martens to catch. The grays on the other hand are aliens from the other side of the pond with no shared history with the martens. Now they have a predator they are not used to keeping an eye out for. As a result they are probably easier for the martens to catch than the reds, and like I said a bigger meal. Good luck to them I say.’ I agreed with her.
“I’ll tell you something else you may or may not have come across, I read last week’s copy of the Keswick Reminder in which an eco tourist claimed that she and her husband had spotted a European wildcat in the woodland on Yell Fell, which is owned by us and virtually inaccessible. God alone knows how they got up there and even why they wanted to. The rangers and foresters use what looks and works like a small ski lift the foresters had installed to access the spot a few years since to fell some larch and plant some hard wood trees. They used the lift to get the larch out too. The tale was roundly condemned as nonsense by locals who said it would have been a feral domestic tabby cat, because wildcats died out round there over two centuries ago. As the tourist had no photographic evidence, and in any case the two are not always easy to tell apart even by experts who are more than familiar with both, the tale soon died the death. Christ, wild boars are one bloody thing, but wildcats! Ridiculous!” The outsiders and many of the locals in the taproom were equally disparaging of the woman’s tale. However, it was much to the relief of the Bearthwaite folk who’d been involved in the wildcats’ acquisition and release that the story had died the death so quickly. The few men in the taproom who were in the know knew that Hamilton had telt the tale to ensure that it was dismissed and didn’t resurface for serious consideration for as long as possible.
Gerry said, “I’m not sure that I actually like this last batch of chemic you’ve got a holt on,(40) Adio, but I do hope you can get a regular supply.”
Adio said, “No problem, Gerry. All are available all over eastern Europe at very reasonable prices. Distillation is a widely approved of industry in those parts because the local powers that be get a decent rake off from the producers who as a result are unofficially sanctioned and protected. I’ve often explained, that central Governments are an entirely different matter from the local authorities. They are far more greedy than ordinary men like us who are just trying to get by and feed their families. For us it’s a bonus when we have enough left over for a drink or two. What I hate about Governments is their oppressive attempts to exterminate all competition. It’s not reasonable. Men have a right to live and feed their families. Government types to a man are all wealthy and can afford to pay whatever is asked for a glass or two. All I do is buy drink where it’s cheap and take it elsewhere to where it’s not, and for a modest profit I sell it to men who otherwise could not afford to buy it. How does that make me a criminal? I see myself as a public benefactor.” Adio had been absolutely serious when he’d said that, and none had laughed, for that was to a man their opinion too. He was famous, or maybe that should have been infamous, for his catch phrase, ‘Bribes are always cheaper than taxes.’ When they’d been informed that he had named his new ship The Free Spirit folk were still chuckling about it a month later. He’d later explained that he’d tentatively considered naming it The Essence of Free Enterprise, but had decided against it due to what he’d considered to be the decidedly inauspicious connection with the Herald of Free Enterprise,(41) and in any case he was glad he’d decided against it because he considered The Free Spirit to be a far more appropriate name.
Chance announced, “As a result of the recent deal with SPM, that’s Sovereign Property Managements, the contiguous land now owned by Beebell completely surrounds the valley for about two and a half miles in the nearest direction and just under ten at the farthest. Other than the main road passing past the Bearthwaite Lonning Ends on this side of the Calva Marshes and the arable land both of which we own there are no rights of way over any of that land. Beebell has become one of the largest land owners in the northern UK, and whilst we’ve never tried to keep it a secret it is still unknown to most that we have sizeable holdings in Scotland and Northumbria. The SPM legal department have lost Anneliese Þórsdóttir, who without doubt was their most able legal mind, and Clive Amhurst her successor is no match for any of the solicitors of Bearthwaite, nor probably for almost anywhere else either. He’s definitely not the sharpest tool in the box,(42) but unlike Anneliese he does exactly what he’s telt even when he is aware it is ridiculous to so do. He suits his superiors perfectly, which proves they are equally as stupid as is Clive. If Clive ever goes head to head with Adalheidis or Anneliese either will just spread him out thin enough to enjoy on toast. However, none of their solicitors are anything special because they’re just working nine till five for money. Ours don’t think like that, they are fighting for the existence and future of our folk: Bearthwaite folk which includes their children.
“Murray and the other Beebell directors believe that the Flat Top Fell land exchange is probably the best deal we have ever made and it’s the acquisition of Anneliese that was the cherry on the cake. Adalheidis was more than her usual cute self in pulling that one off, though she maintains that SPM did it to themselves and she just recognised the opportunity they presented her with on a plate. SPM are just incapable of seeing the big picture, and haven’t had any real idea of what their most valuable assets are for over a century and a half. They haven’t been operating in the interests of the monarch since Victoria came to the throne in eighteen thirty-seven, and operating in the interests of a government that can change every five years is very poor motivation for them. These days that’s all they are, civil servants that make up the property arm of a corporate government who won’t pay enough to hire first class staff. Anneliese, is pure blood Scandinavian, half Icelandic and half Norwegian, all Viking, just right for this spot. She speaks all the Scandinavian languages as well as accentless English, Russian and German and has no problems at all communicating with our shepherds. She took the top first at Oxford, and has an MA and a PhD to boot. That is one damned bright lady and SPM wanted rid! Still we can always use folk that fit here, but one as bright as that who fits is a gift from the gods.
“Unlike SPM, Bearthwaite folk have always known that we are our most valuable assets, and we’ve just taken one of their best folk off them and it cost us nowt. The truly stupid stance on their part is that they were looking for a way to get rid of Anneliese at zero cost to themselves. Well that didn’t come to pass because she handed her notice in as soon as the Flat Top Fell land exchange was finalised. Literally as soon as it was finalised. She had her resignation email ready to go and she triggered it with her phone. She took the three weeks holiday she was owed and Sun signed her off sick with stress for the remainder of her month’s notice. SPM argued about her last month’s salary, but Adalheidis had written a small clause into the contract enabling the financiers to retain it and pay it into our account along with our money. I can’t imagine why but that upset SPM for some reason. Normally, since Anneliese had brokered the deal, she’d have been expected to put the paper work to bed at their end. They were pissed off that she wasn’t there to do it and they would have to which meant they’d have to get up to speed on something they’d studiously ignored right from the word go. It seems it was only when they finally did that that they realised exactly what they’d agreed to and started squealing like stuck pigs.
“SPM had only been thinking of potential losses in terms of constructive dismissal(43) costs and the like which would have been just money. However, Adalheidis says she’s feeling smug about pulling that one off because now that Anneliese has the kind of folk behind her that someone doing her job needs without doubt she’ll amaze even herself as to just how good she really is. According to a few contacts of ours, other than about the work Anneliese had left for them, SPM were feeling smug when she handed her notice in, because they didn’t believe she could raise a successful constructive dismissal case. And they were probably right, because her ex boss was pretty cute in his dealings with her even if he was a bigot who thought with a limp. However, they couldn’t have been more wrong from one point of view because they certainly didn’t get rid of Anneliese at zero cost to themselves, as they believed they’d done, because the major cost to themselves, if they could but have seen it, was losing Anneliese. By offering her a job with us Adalheidis made sure that SPM paid that particular invoice early by preventing them from utilising her abilities any more, and as she put it, ‘We haven’t finished dealing with them yet, and I prefer negotiating with idiots. Now I have a partner we should be able to make their lives truly miserable,’ though I suspect she hasn’t decided what she wants to take off them next because from here on in it’s strategic with a view to devaluing their holdings, so she can pick them up for a song. But that land they own next to ours over Ullswater way would be worth us having and at least we’d be paid for those cattle grids if we took the money off the purchase price.
“What really pissed SPM off was the terms under which they took out the loan secured by the land we exchanged for Flat Top Fell. Admittedly the contract was agreed to by Adalheidis and Anneliese but it was drawn up by Adalheidis and agreed to by the loan consortium legal team. If it hadn’t been done that way none of SPM’s permitted sources of finance would have been prepared to lend them anything because SPM are known to be highly accomplished practitioners of sharp practice and often manage to put off paying their debts for years not months and even then it costs folk a fortune to go to court to obtain their money. As yet, SPM just won’t accept that folk don’t want to deal with them any more. Adalheidis’ contract includes a clause that permits the lenders to recover any money outstanding after sixty days by transferring that much value of the land to themselves including the costs of the land transfer. It’s all been rubber stamped by the land registry and there’s absolutely nothing SPM can do about it. The lenders can sell the land back to SPM at a profit, sell it to someone else or keep it and add the rent on to the loan repayments. Since Adalheidis made sure the entire city is aware of the contractual details doubtless from here on in those are the sorts of terms SPM will have to accept with all and any they deal with. I’m telt by Murray that there is a whisper circulating about that some folk are planning to include retroactive clauses in any future dealings with SPM that will enable them to recover debts that SPM have owed them for years without having to go to court, they will just take payment via the land registry who are fine about it as long as their administrative fees are paid every time a land transfer takes place.
“If SPM argue, it will evidence an intention to default on the loan which is a deliberate act of bad faith and will put them at a serious disadvantage if they take matters to court. If they do that Adalheidis agreed as part of the deal with the financiers that she will represent them free of charge for as long as it takes which seemingly has upset SPM too. I say if SPM take matters to court because none else will because they won’t need to, and that of course means that SPM will have to pay to take the matter to court because it will be a civil rather than a criminal matter. In the matter of the Flat Top Fell deal, if SPM continue to be remiss or even over late with their payments they will eventually lose the land. That they insisted that Anneliese did the deal and signed it on their behalf and gave her that instruction in writing because otherwise she was just going to quit rubbed salt into their wounds. By offering the game rights but retaining the mineral rights, SPM thought they had pulled a fast one by messing Adalheidis about at the last minute in a way that she wouldn’t like but would accept, which would leave the negotiations in a mess that they must have felt confident Anneliese would be able to clear up to their advantage. Because the contract was to be signed with only Anneliese there representing SPM and they’d assumed they would only receive notice of completion once the loan money was transferred to them, at which point it would all be instantly transferred to another account leaving Adalheidis to fight for our money whilst they had the use of it and ownership of the land we were exchanging for Flat Top Fell too, they were unconcerned and just let matters unfold.
“However the completion of contracts did not take place as per standard legal procedure in the way that SPM had assumed it would. They had expected the signing over of land registry deeds to precede Anneliese signing the loan agreement followed by the lenders’ consortium representative, one Anoushka Yushchenkova [Анушка Ющенкова], who still uses her maiden name, depositing the money into the CPM account. Анушка Ющенкова is a diminutive natural redhead about to turn thirty-one. Like Adalheidis her very appearance and behaviour lulls folk into a false sense of security, and like Adalheidis she is an apex predator too. Her parents are both Siberian and live in Dublin, though she had been born in Athlone [like Dublin in the Republic of Ireland]. She is incredibly bright, speaks a dozen languages fluently including several versions of Arabic and is highly educated, well connected and very experienced. Her husband is a Middle Eastern multi billionaire, another friend of Sasha’s, who still jokes to his friends that the only way he had been able to prevent her from bankrupting him had been to propose to her. She has two children and is four months into her third pregnancy. Her immediate security at the meeting was a small part of her normal retinue, most of who were having coffee upstairs whilst they awaited her.
“What happened was a tripartite meeting where Adalheidis, Anneliese and Anoushka all signed the contracts. Adalheidis had arranged with Anoushka to meet in the vaults of a mutually trusted banking acquaintance who was happy to do them both a favour. Adalheidis and Anoushka were both to be accompanied by six armed uniformed security guards each, who were not actually security guards but mercenaries. Adalheidis was to take Anneliese with her to the meeting after having explained to her exactly what was going to happen. The first agenda item at the meeting was the mercenaries were telt what was supposed to happen and that their job was to ensure it happened exactly per that script which went as follows.
“ ‘First Mrs Ющенкова will transfer the money SPM will owe us after buying the surplus land that we didn’t exchange for Flat Top Fell into Mrs Levens’ working account. Also to that a small sum for SPM’s share of the administrative costs will be added, which cost includes their share of your fees and a contingency amount to cover the likely difficulties we anticipate SPM will cause us on the deal’s completion. Mrs Levens shall then sign the registry deed pertaining to Beebell’s land over to SPM and Miss Þórsdóttir shall then sign it over as security for the loan SPM are taking out to Mrs Ющенкова’s principals. Then Miss Þórsdóttir shall sign over the registry deed pertaining to the Flat Top Fell land from SPM to Beebell, and finally Mrs Ющенкова shall transfer the remaining loan money to the SPM account. In the event of SPM causing no problems the contingency money will be returned to them in full at a later date, should they cause the predicted problems the entire amount shall be forfeit as stipulated in the contract. It is your job, for which you have already been paid half, Ladies and Gentlemen, to make sure that everything not only happens with nothing to disrupt the matter, but that everything happens in the correct order. You have a list of the relevant documentation, the amounts involved and the appropriate bank details. Nothing is to happen at each step till all of your chosen representatives, who shall be scrutinising every detail as it unfolds, are completely happy that each step is going according to your scripts. Those of you acting as enforcers need to be aware that till the entire matter is settled your side arms are not merely for shew, and whilst none of the three principals here expect anything out of the ordinary to happen this is business not pleasure, and you are expected to treat it as such. Now, Ladies, I want each of the three of us to be seen by our security to agree to those terms that we previously agreed upon in private.’ The dozen mercenaries reread their instructions and three from each group withdrew their weapons. The matter was completed within ten minutes, and the mercenaries were paid the second half of their fee again in gold as agreed.
“Anneliese was taken aback by the level of security involved, and finally understood what Adalheidis had meant when she’d asked if Anneliese wished to be accompanied by up to six security guards to ensure SPM’s interests were protected. She later admitted that she had not understood what Adalheidis had meant and in any event wouldn’t have know where to obtain such a service from. That Adalheidis shrugged and suggested a local army barracks would surely oblige SPM took her breath away. That Adalheidis and Anoushka knew one another well was a surprise to her. Anoushka is a great niece of some sort of Sasha’s which is how she and Adalheidis came to know each other. Anoushka too is a top rank negotiator, but her emphasis is on international monetary transactions rather than contractual details. At no stage was our money ever in the hands of SPM. As soon as the matter was completed, Anneliese triggered her resignation email using her phone, which arrived with SPM within seconds of the signed contract and the money they had a right to, after having been forced into pre paying what they owed us. Apparently they were hopping mad. That Anoushka’s principals didn’t care, and Adalheidis and Anneliese were both in solicitor mode so cared even less, meant SPM had none left to have a go at who gave a damn what they felt about things. SPM have a lot to learn about what good business ethics and integrity can do for you. Whether they do or not remains to be seen. I understand that Adalheidis and Anneliese hope they don’t because that way they’ll be more easily dealt with in future for less money. A good thing from our point of view was that the value of the land we exchanged for Flat Top Fell was exceedingly high as quoted by the land Registry when we exchanged so the entire deal didn’t cost as much as we’d anticipated.
“Whilst I think on, we split the savings on the dealings with SPM that Anneliese had enabled us to make and rounded her share up to four million. She didn’t want to accept it, but we forced it on her explaining it would be better that she spent it creatively here than we had to struggle to come up with ideas as to what to do with it. Murray gave her some suggestions, maybe games equipment for the new swimming pool, or some unusual livestock for the kids to look after. He suggested llamas, alpacas or peafowl which made good eating, but he cautioned her they made a hell of a noise. A lorry load of spirits bottles to give to the elderly at the winter solstice or a few hundred piglets and poultry for the kids to raise. He telt her why he’d made those particular suggestions, but added none of them were new and he hoped she’d come up with something none had ever done before. If any can think of owt we’d be obliged if you’d let her know about it please. She wants to fund an access to the top of Flat Top Fell and build an observatory up there for Sydney Wheeler and the kids with part of the money.” That was the first hint that some of the more recent outside members of the Grumpy Old Men had of the wealth that existed in Bearthwaite and it shook them that Chance had spoken so casually concerning the inconvenience of having to spend four million pounds [5M USD].
“I’ve said it before and doubtless I’ll say it again many times. Adalheidis is a truly lovely woman whom I respect and admire enormously and Matt did really well for himself there, but when she is in solicitor mode she’s a frigging monster. And now there’re two of them. However, all we need to put the icing on that particular cake is for the lasses to sort Anneliese out with a man, so she can settle in properly and make a home with a family which is what I’ve been led to believe she has always wanted, but I don’t doubt from what I’ve heard that she’ll have quite a choice.”
Bruce interrupted to say quietly, “Not any more she won’t, Lads. She’s spoken for. By me. She’s not had a good life, so I’d be grateful if her past be left alone till she wishes to talk about it, if ever. She’s with Elle and the lasses in the room the night. With a bit of luck they’ll have it out of her so she can move on.” That was all he said and none responded. Bruce had been badly hurt by the loss of his wife and children in a serious motorway pile up that was still being investigated twelve months later. The village rumours were he’d been suicidal, but if any knew the truth of it they weren’t saying anything. His friends and neighbours were happy for him and grateful that he appeared to be moving on and looking at a future.
Alan Peabody returned them to the subject of the land acquisition from SPM by saying, “Most folk already know, but for those who don’t, my family have coveted Bearthwaite Folks’ common law grazing rights to that land round Flat Top Fell for generations. Now we have ’em.”
Stan asked, “I did know, Alan, but how come you wanted that side of the valley and not the Needles Fell side? I know the Needles Fell side gets less sun and is colder, but the soil is deeper and it’s far better sheep grazing land, and good enough for beef cattle from time to time too. I imagine your lasses’ Highland cattle and bison would do well there.”
“Basically the answer is historical. The story in my family is that centuries ago, long before Bonny Prince Charlie marched south to Derby and then ran back again in 1745, which events presaged the disaster at Culloden,(44) that land was common land that all of Bearthwaite had grazing rights on. The enclosures act of 1773 stole that land from us. I know we’ve just now paid the Crown for it, but money is only worth what it can buy you. How does it go in the bible? ‘Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s’.(45) Well, the money has the monarch’s head on it, so let the bugger have it back I say, and we’ll have our land back. Not that I’m seriously suggesting that we are god, but it’s an idea worth considering here in our own spot, in our little bit of heaven that we rule, isn’t it? We get along here just fine using as little money as possible, so we pay bugger all tax. Truth is we could get along just fine without it. We’ve got what we’ve wanted for a long time: Flat Top Fell, and Needle Fell to boot is a definite bonus.” There was considerable laughter at that though it was appreciated the matter was one Alan felt strongly about.
Chance said, “Murray and I were joking about that sort of thing a while back and he said that internally amongst ourselves we could use the Bearthwaite Investment Token, to be known as the BIT, as a medium of exchange instead of money which other than in ledgers wouldn’t need to have any physical reality or existence at all, just like its more well known brother the BIT coin. It would just be something that existed in our heads. That way all internal transactions as far as the authorities were concerned wouldn’t exist. If outsiders did it too the Inland Revenue(46) wouldn’t be affected much, but the Customs and Excise would be seriously smarting from the loss of VAT(47) revenue.”
There was a groan from Alf as he said, “My brain hurts. I need a drink to keep those token things from getting inside my head.” The laughter was subdued because most of the men had no idea what Chance was talking about either.
Chance said, “Sorry for interrupting, Alan Lad.”
Alan continued, “Nay bother, Lad, though I’m with Alf on that one. I hadn’t got much more to say, but I mind an eighteenth century poem I learnt from Granddad when I was a boy that he said he’d had from his great granddad. It went,
They hang the man and flog the woman
Who steals the goose from off the common
Yet let the greater villain loose
That steals the common from the goose.
The law demands that we atone
When we take things we do not own
But leaves the lords and ladies fine
Who take the things that are yours and mine.
The poor and wretched don’t escape
If they conspire the law to break
This must be so but they endure
Those who conspire to make the law.
The law locks up the man or woman
Who steals the goose from off the common
And geese will still a common lack
Till they go and steal it back.
“I don’t think it’s known who wrote that poem. He probably left a copy of it in an inn somewhere for others to find so the local lord who’d stolen his common didn’t hang him, or if he couldn’t write claimed he’d heard it at a fair somewhere. That’s how it was in those days. Well, we didn’t steal Flat Top Fell back, but we’ll definitely be breaking the law in decades to come if we do what we’ve discussed as a possibility to do with it, but the bastards will have to catch us and prove we did it. Too, it’s like Sasha says, they see what they expect to see and Tree Huggers Incorporated will cover our arses to make themselves look good.” The outsiders had no idea what Alan was talking about and realised none were going to wise them up. Being the sort of men who enjoyed an evening in what had become a very rare environment they accepted it was none of their business and had their glasses topped up. Stories, drink and dominoes were after all what they were there for, not delving into the private affairs of honest men who tret(48) them as friends.
26472 words (including footnotes)
To be continued.
1 Bank holidays are paid public holidays in the UK. All usually take place on Mondays except Good Friday and the ones around Christmas and the New Year. Substitute days occur when the bank holidays falls over the week end. Special bank holidays e.g. the platinum jubilee holiday could be on any day.
2 A Hobson’s choice is a free choice in which only one thing is actually offered. The term is often used to describe an illusion that multiple choices are available. The best known Hobson’s choice is, “I’ll give you a choice, take it or leave it,” where leaving it is undesirable.
3 The best side, the best room, the room and the lounge are all equivalent terms for the more refined environment to be found in British pubs other than in the taproom, which is often referred to as the tap. All are terms in common usage and often refer to more than one room.
4 See GOM 24 for details of the first taproom extension.
5 The better part of valour is discretion. Shakespeare, Henry IV Part 1, Act V Scene 4. Part of the words spoken by the knight Sir John Falstaff.
6 Marlene Dietrich, a German born [1901] singer and super star of stage and cinema. Her public image included openly defying sexual norms, and she was known for her androgynous film roles and her bisexuality. She was famous for her cross dressing rôles in a number of films.
7 Batting for the other side, a term applied to women who are or are considered possibly to be lesbians.
8 Chinese whisper, and old expression referring to a tale passed on through many folk that becomes a little different on each retelling. An old tale relates of soldiers at the battle front sending a message back to head quarters that said, ‘Send reinforcements we’re going to advance,’ that reached head quarters as, ‘Send three and four pence [17p, 21c] we’re going to a dance.’ The age of this doubtlessly fictitious tale is given away by the tiny amount of pre decimal money involved.
9 Sǫgur, plural of the Old Norse word saga. A saga being that which is said or recited.
10 Sǫgur, plural of the Old Norse word saga. A saga being that which is said or recited. Pronounced Sorgur. IPA sɔ:gə:r.
11 Thing, also known as a folkmoot, assembly, tribal council, and by other terms too, was a governing assembly in early Germanic society, made up of the free people of the community presided over by a lawspeaker. Things took place at regular intervals, usually at prominent places that were accessible by travel. They provided legislative functions, as well as being social events and opportunities for trade. Also þing, ting, or ding at various times and places.
12 Wizent, alternative name for the European bison, Bison bonasus also known as the Zubr.
13 The term sling your hook is polite way of telling someone to go away. This term has a nautical origin. Hook was a name given to the ship’s anchor, and the Sling was the cradle that housed the anchor. Therefore, to sling your hook meant to lift anchor, stow it and sail away. There are competing explanations of the term.
14 Tacho, a tachograph is a device fitted to a vehicle that automatically records its speed and distance. In the UK all commercial vehicles are manufactured fitted with them by law, and the data they hold has to be produced on demand to all relevant authorities, like the police and ministry of transport authorities. They are often used to determine events at road traffic accidents and are evidence used in subsequent court proceedings. Their most common usage is to ensure drivers have not been driving beyond their permitted hours with out appropriate breaks.
15 HGVs, Heavy Goods Vehicles.
16 A’ level, Advanced level. The qualification that follow on from official school leaving age in the UK. Usually taken in three or four subjects and examined at the age of eighteen.
17 Whiteport Academy was the secondary school that Bearthwaite children over the age of 11 attended before Bearthwaite opened its own school up to 11-18 year old children.
18 Interbreds, pejorative reference to the widely held belief in the county that the isolated folk of Bearthwaite have been involved in consanguineous relationships to the point of incest for centuries.
19 Just for badness, spite, though in this case it implies a desire to rub salt into a wound to payback the insults previously offered.
20 A chain harrow is a farm implement used for surface tillage. It may be used after ploughing for breaking up and smoothing out the surface of the soil. The purpose of harrowing is to break up clods and to provide a soil structure, called a tilth, that is suitable for planting seeds. Coarser harrowing may also be used to remove weeds and to cover seed after sowing. Many chain harrows may be used either way up having tines, spikes, of different lengths of each side. It is normal for the tines to be a single piece of steel fastened such that ⅓ of the length sticks up on one side and ⅔ on the other.
21 Grike, a garden fork.
22 Fiddleheads, or fiddlehead greens are the furled fronds of young ferns, often harvested for use as a vegetable. Left on the plant, each fiddlehead would unroll into a new frond. As fiddleheads are harvested early in the season before the frond has opened and reached its full height, they are cut fairly close to the ground. Fiddleheads from bracken ferns (Pteridium aquilinum and ten less common species) are not eaten because they contain a compound associated with bracken toxicity, and thiaminase. Thiaminase breaks down thiamine, Vitamin B1, and is known as an anti nutrient. Person and animal deaths from thiaminase poisoning are historically commonplace and still not unknown. There are numerous other natural sources of thiaminase, for example, nardoo, horsetail and other plants, fish including zebra fish, carp and goldfish, also a few strains of bacteria such as Paenibacillus thiaminolyticus, aka Bacillus thiaminolyticus, Bacillus aneurinolyticus, Bacillus subtilis, and an African silk worm, Anaphe venata.
23 A Barrow is a castrated boar. The verb to barrow is to castrate a boar.
24 DEFRA, The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs is a department of His Majesty’s Government in the United Kingdom responsible for environmental protection, food production and standards, agriculture, fisheries and rural communities in the entire United Kingdom.
25 Humbugs, young wild boar. They are horizontally striped like the humbug sweet or candy.
26 A gilt is a sexually immature female pig that has not yet been put to a boar.
27 Companies House is the executive agency of the British Government that maintains the register of companies, employs the company registrars and is responsible for incorporating all forms of companies in the United Kingdom.
28 NHS, National Health Service.
29 NCSG, National Child Support Group, the umbrella organisation referred to elsewhere. In reality there is no official such group, though unofficial mechanisms based on the idea exist in the UK.
30 RSPB, the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. In 2021/22 the RSPB had revenue of £157 million, 2,200 employees, 10,500 volunteers and 1.1 million members (including 195,000 youth members), making it one of the world’s largest wildlife conservation organisations. The RSPB has many local groups and maintains 222 nature reserves. It should also be noted that RSPB has been accused of being an institutional bully and there is a view that no charity should be allowed to have so much land, money and power, and that they should be taken over by the government. It is doubtful that would change anything, for all governments are the biggest bullies of those they govern and they hate competition.
31 See GOM 44.
32 Three ha’pence worth, three half pennies worth. An old expression meaning a trivial amount. Pronounced three hay pence worth.
33 Sward, an expanse of short grass.
34 Toxicity. Fiddleheads from bracken ferns (Pteridium aquilinum and ten less common species) are not eaten because they contain a compound associated with bracken toxicity, and thiaminase. Thiaminase breaks down thiamine, Vitamin B1, and is known as an anti nutrient. Person and animal deaths from thiaminase poisoning are historically commonplace and still not unknown. There are numerous other natural sources of thiaminase, for example, nardoo, horsetail and other plants, fish including zebra fish, carp and goldfish, also a few strains of bacteria such as Paenibacillus thiaminolyticus, aka Bacillus thiaminolyticus, Bacillus aneurinolyticus, Bacillus subtilis, and an African silk worm, Anaphe venata.
35 Hammer Film Productions Ltd. is a British film production company based in London. Founded in 1934, the company is best known for a series of Gothic horror and fantasy films made from the mid-1950s until the 1970s.
36 Edward Saunders, FRS (22 March 1848 – 6 February 1910) was an English entomologist, who specialised in Coleoptera, Hemiptera and Hymenoptera. (Beetles. True Bugs. Bees, Wasps, Ants, and Sawflies.)
37 Her indoors, commonplace usage of a husband referring to his wife.
38 Red squirrels, Sciurus vulgaris, are protected under the UK’s Wildlife and Countryside Act, 1981. They are classed as near threatened in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Gray squirrels, Sciurus carolinensis, are classed as an invasive non native species in the UK and an invasive alien species in Europe. Grays originated in North America and were brought to Europe in the 1820s through to the 1920s. Gray squirrels pose a competitive threat to reds and carry and spread squirrel pox which is usually fatal to reds. There are estimated to be fewer than 287 000 red squirrels and 2 700 000 gray squirrels in the UK.
39 The pond, a term used in Europe and the US when referring to the Atlantic Ocean.
40 Got a holt on, got hold of, bought.
41 MS Herald of Free Enterprise was a roll on roll off car ferry which capsized moments after leaving the Belgian port of Zeebrugge on the night of 6 March 1987, killing 193 passengers and crew.
42 Not the sharpest tool in the box, not intelligent, stupid or dim witted.
43 Constructive dismissal. If an employee feels they have no choice but to resign because of something their employer has done, they might be able to claim for constructive dismissal. Often it is because the employer has created a hostile work environment. The legal term is constructive unfair dismissal. This can give rise to a constructive dismissal claim with an employment tribunal.
44 Culloden. The Battle of Culloden was the final confrontation of the Jacobite rising of 1745. On 16 April 1746, the Jacobite army of Charles Edward Stuart (Bonnie Prince Charlie was so called because women considered him to be bonny that is to say pretty or handsome. The Scottish word bonny has been Americanised as bonnie which is often used by English rather than Scots persons) was decisively defeated by a British government force under Prince William Augustus Duke of Cumberland, on Drummossie Moor near Inverness in the Scottish Highlands. It was the last pitched battle fought on British soil. Culloden and its aftermath continue to arouse strong feelings. The University of Glasgow awarded the Duke of Cumberland an honorary doctorate, but many modern commentators allege that the aftermath of the battle and subsequent crackdown on Jacobite sympathisers were brutal, earning Cumberland the sobriquet the Butcher. The myth that the Carlisle street Botchergate was named after Cumberland the Butcher is just that, a myth. Botchergate had existed for centuries before his birth. William Rufus, son of William the Conqueror, restored Carlisle to the English kingdom probably in 1092. Rufus is known to have entered the city through Botchergate. The long demolished gateway has given its name to today’s street, Botchergate.
45 The bible, Matthew 22:15-22, Mark 12:13-17 and Luke 20:20-26.
46 The Inland Revenue is the UK department that deals with Income Tax.
47 VAT, Value Added Tax. A UK tax of 20% levied on virtually all goods. Those in business can reclaim what they have paid on bought in goods and services and have to pay the tax on what they sell. It is administered by the Customs and Excise department of the government.
48 Tret, dialectal treated.
Comments
I really like this story!
The independence of Bearthwaite's people, their ingenuity, makes me wish such a place really existed.
I do have a request, which if you choose not to fulfill, will be respected. In my writing I love to use maps that can give a bit more context to a story. I'm sure you have a solid map in your mind as you write. Or even just something from Google maps that that you use as a local after changing the real names.
Thanks much!
Boys will be girls... if they're lucky!
Jennifer Sue
Back to the Green Dragon .....
... again for another evening of personal reminiscences and updates on the progress made in Bearthwaite and it's residents since GOMT 49. Good to see that SPM had it stuck to them successfully and that Anneliese has made the move to the valley, plus her finding a prospective life-partner too.
Another long read overnight. Thank you for the word-count Eolwaen and yet another magnificent GOMT and achieving Number 50. Truly a great output over the series and each one a riveting read. So a Jolly Well Done (JWD) is well deserved and I don't give those very often.
Brit