Few of my family wanted to know what I wanted for gifts or my sizes for clothes. Rachel was the one to inform me that I’d be getting money or gift cards. She did take me shopping once to see what I might like.
The days before Christmas would become a new bonding time for Rachel, Haley, and me. We would learn from Haley, part of her love and bonding with Lewis; was in part a reaction to earlier hurts in her life. Lewis and his then younger brother Nick helped her to be comfortable and attracted to Lewis and our family. Haley’s, being nice and open to me, was part of a deepening of her bond with me and our family.

I had made good progress with my therapist Dr. Jenesse Frecone, which boded well for my upcoming visit with Dr. Printz. I had matured and knew I was blessed with these two professionals…

Now: One might of thought Nicole was a little girl because of her excitement for Christmas and the holiday break. It was my first Christmas as Nicole. Even with the likelihood of gift cards and money, I was into Christmas differently.

I bought some holiday clothes and helped more in decorating the house and yard. It is fun decorating outside in the country as the lights can easily be seen for longer distances from a half to two miles away. I talked dad into buying a dove and putting it up outside my second-floor bedroom.

I saw Dr. Printz three days before Christmas and though I was a bundle of nerves it was like an early Christmas gift. She had received a good report from my counselor Dr. Frecone. She was also happy as my blood test showed that I had not taken extra hormone medication. She gave me a shot for my testosterone blocker and a new shot of what she called my female hormone soup. She had also given me a prescription for my ongoing hormone medication. Dr. Printz left us alone after her appointment with me.

I was expecting things to change quickly despite Rachel saying, “That is not what I heard your doctor says. What I heard was this it wasn’t as strong of a dose as she’ll give you down the road. But that you continue your real-life experience.”

I said, “But she said, I should consider things like harvesting some of my sperm if that would be important. She was saying this is going to stop soon.”

Rachel smiled, “You had me come with you for just this reason. You tend to hear what you want to hear. Yes, even now your semen production is likely to go down…” She said, “Say if you fall in love with another woman and the two of you would like your own children, then your harvested sperm could help make that possible.”

Having heard what she said, I had mixed emotions. I want so strongly to be Nicole looking natural as a woman with my own breasts development. I also feel more strongly attracted to women like Lexi and Steph. The idea of being able to have our children would be attractive to me. Rachel’s words echo the pattern of my experience with Dr. Frecone and Dr. Printz. That of the encouragement to move forward, yet the pace they would have me go is different from what I generally hear.

Rachel encouraged me to stop at the reception desk, where she speaks up. “Nicole needs to be scheduled for some of her seed to be harvested.” I blushed being embarrassed. The receptionist made sure I agreed and then said congratulations this is an important step. She indicated this was as important if I changed my mind and decided later to continue as my male self.

Insurance approving or not I would have the first harvesting of my semen on the 28th after Christmas. Rachel verified that I and my family would pay the cost regardless of insurance approving it or not. Mom and I had talked about it before, it was assuring to hear Rachel say it.

The focus quickly changed from me to the holidays and family.

I did go online and check the results of my exams and later my final grade of 3.54 for me, was previously unheard of. I had been busier than ever and the courses more challenging, but the results were very good.

Rachel and I had shopped together. I had some extra money from my job at the university. Julie Nance was true to her word, I was rewarded well for some of the extra work. There were over ten hours that were not covered but she had warned me that could happen.

I used my extra money for buying gifts, but there was one dress and another outfit that I liked for myself. I thought Rachel was teasing me. I did not want to be trying them and seeing how they looked when I couldn’t buy them. When we were seemingly through shopping Rachel chose one of my dresses and an outfit to buy now. She said, “Mom and Haley will help you get one or two more before Christmas. We’ve decided you need to develop your wardrobe a bit more. Please act surprised when and if they get something for you now. I think Haley thinks you need to have someone figure what makeup is better for you.”

Dave a friend of Rachel’s from UNI stopped over and stayed a night. Rachel said it wasn’t serious but I knew she slept with him in the extra room next to me. The Idea of them having sex struck me with mixed feelings. I know two days after he was gone she met with Matt who lived closer by.

Steve had called me and we’d meet up with Steph, Lace, and their friends. Steve and I had left our group the second night and went to a place called The Hearth. It was a warm quiet tavern where you could drink and talk. While there was room to dance it was only a couple or two at a time. Mostly men were there. Steve said, “You’re different from the others I date; we can focus on ourselves without so much noise.” He gave me a gentle kiss and caressed the top of my hand. Neither of us was used to this but it felt nice.

He was the first man I welcomed into my home. Mom and dad were sleeping and I wasn’t sure if Rachel was home yet or not. We talked more about our families and he was the second of two boys and two younger sisters. His mother knew who I was and was surprised he was comfortable with him dating me.

We were out on the porch saying goodnight and had our last kiss as Rachel drove in. Once we were both in the house, Rachel realized I had him in the house. She didn’t say anything but gave me a knowing hug. Two days before Christmas and I knew I needed another gift.

The next day when I went shopping for Steve’s gift; I bumped into Steph back with Carl and Mike. It was like we were back to being old friends, but different. We talked about the generalities of our studies. Steph did ask if my doctor's visit went alight, but no particulars were mentioned.

Mike’s continuing to be a friend, seemed to be of help to Carl in relaxing with me. He now had more friends at college and his life centered more there. Carl was transferring to the U of I at Iowa City. Steph’s father was an instructor at the University of Dubuque which made it financially feasible for her to stay and finish there. It was ironic as the U of D was the only non-Catholic of the three colleges there, and her family was strong Catholics but very ecumenical and open-minded.

It was Christmas Eve that Haley took me out shopping; she was trying to be indirect but was set on learning if was serious about liking Steve. “He’s gone out with one of my friends in the past… How would it work with the possibility of you two being intimate?”

She had gotten into her and Lewis being intimate and looking to have another child. Which, as she said, caused her to be thinking of me. I had tried on several dresses or outfits. When I chose a skirt and blouse, she mentioned how cute and charming it would be with leggings. ‘Cute’ for Haley meant enticing.

I was no more comfortable with her talking about enticing my brother than me enticing Seve. The fact that she was willing to give me tips on the different possibilities of being intimate, got me more excited than I wanted to be known. We ended our shopping time with her dropping me off at my house. “I know I embarrassed you and got you hotter than you expected. But I felt you needed to get past that.”

I said, “Well you’ve succeeded, but if it is alright I’d like that remain between you and me.”

The rural mail carrier seeing my mom out in the yard drove in. “Mrs. Strayer, I am glad to have caught you. It has been confusing us at the Post Office to be getting mail for both your son Nick and a Nicole Strayer for this address. Has Nick taken up a pen name or what?”

My mother giggled and called me over, “Nicole, Patrick wants to know the reason for you getting mail here?” We were working on some outdoor scenery and I was wearing one of Nick’s old coats.

“Hi, Pat, I guess I’m the reason you have the two of me.” I shook off my hood and let my hair wave loosely. I said, “I kind of found myself last winter, but I’ve not decided for sure that this is the new me. Until I do so, I’m not doing away with either.”

He said, “I did see you at times this past summer.” We didn’t talk long, and he thanked me saying the route had been getting boring with nothing new.

I spent most of Christmas Eve copying my mother as she made pies for the holiday. We made pumpkin, apple, and minced meat pies. We were hosting the immediate Strayer families and going to the Brown-Mager family Christmas on the 26th. Susanne’s family would be with us for Christmas, but we're going to her husband’s side of the family for the next two days. We’d be in Galena for mom’s side of the family but mom decided we were not staying overnight.

Mom assured me that it was too early for my change of mood and feelings from the hormones playing with my body.

I had gotten into the Christmas Eve candlelight service and the snowscape of trees and the snowy ground cover. Mother had turned to me twice during the church service and said that I had a beautiful voice, echoing Rachel’s.

Steve thought he’d be too early to interrupt our family Christmas, but he hadn’t taken into thought our younger generation nor us being farmers.

I was thankful that I had got him a Green Bay Packers jersey. I don’t follow anyone's team, but I got a jersey with Allen Lazard’s number since he had played for ISU. Steve was thoughtful and had gotten me a gold chain necklace and bracelet. Something from mom’s expression told me I got a gift that would be similar.

It was a very nice Christmas, our family doesn’t splurge with numerous gifts but they are generally very nice. Being the youngest, and now a woman I was expected to help with my nieces and nephew.

Ken had picked up Lynn Dauber to be part of our Christmas. Mom, Susanne, Rachel, and Haley all saw before us others that Ken had given her an engagement ring the night before.

My dad soon squawk that he previously had three sons and two daughters but one son was now a daughter and two daughter-in-law daughters would give him five. It was a change for a man who grew up having just two brothers.

Haley and Lynn were taken with the news that I had a boyfriend who had stopped earlier and given me my necklace. The abundance of gifts was for the nieces and nephew though, it would take another year or two for Marcy to be old enough to enjoy it. This year she was mesmerized by the lights and anything that glittered or gave her attention. Mom and Dad were elated with two ultra-sound pictures of grandchildren that would be born in the year ahead. Susanne would have her third child which wasn’t planned. Haley and Lewis would have their second.

Haley and Lynn had already been friends and were happy to have the other non-blood relation to be in the family.

Lynn had coaxed me until I gave in and modeled the skirt and blouse that Haley had previously bought me. Since the house was warm, I didn’t wear the leggings as previously mentioned. This brought more compliments about how pretty and feminine my legs were.

The next day we went to mom’s Brown/Mager Christmas where I met Grandma Brown’s supposed maiden sister Elizabeth Mager-Torres and her significant other Martina Torres-Mager. My great-aunt was pleased to meet me and to introduce me to Martina. They’ve been together some thirty-seven but married only the last eight years.

When I mentioned that I couldn’t be so patient as to wait twenty-nine years; she replied, “It has been most of thirty-seven years that I waited for acceptance from family.” She said, “Don’t expect me to thank you for my acceptance; rather consider that I began paying dues before you were a baby.”

I questioned my mother about the fact that neither Rachel nor I knew we had an Aunt Elizabeth. My mother told me, she had thought up to three years ago the separation was mutually agreed upon. But it had been because of the insistence of our great-grandparents and Grandma’s older brothers and sisters.

“It was your Grandmother who called Aunt Betty and encouraged her to come with Martina.” I am startled as I remember seeing someone like Aunt Beth at the John Deere Classic.

I asked, “Mom, do you know if Aunt Elizabeth was at the John Deere Classic?”

Mom smiled, “If she knew her niece was there, she might have been. I guess she was a good golfer, and she met some of the early greats in women’s golf Mickey Wright, Kathy Whitworth, and Babe Zahariasin her day.”

I had gone out with Steve on New Year’s Eve, as well as before and after. But Steph called me and had my plan for a date on January 8th, “That it’s someone who wants to go out with you; is all I can say for now.” She did say, “You do know the person and would have been friends if you were in the same groups.”

I had been with Steve the night before on Friday. That Steph said earlier on Friday, “Tell Steve you’re going out with me and some other women.” It was the first hint she wasn’t setting me up with one of her guy friends.

We went to The Legends in Dubuque. It was there I saw and met Katy Wright. Katy had been a friend of Rachel’s but they lost contact. Katy graduated a year before Rachel, went to nursing school.

She said, “My father told me you were working at the John Deere offices last summer. And after the first time, I saw you; I thought we needed to meet… I wanted to meet you away from Rachel as I wanted our friendship based on us.”

I was taken back that a woman at least four years older wanted to be with me. She explained that she went to the U of I for nursing where she came out as a lesbian. The vibes I was getting from her were very strong. We left the Legends and went to The Hearth. She helped me get a good glass of wine, but when I indicated I wanted another she refused. “I’d like to be with you tonight, but I don’t want anyone saying you were drunk.”

We danced twice, both times slowly and close. She didn’t need wine to entice me. She already felt attracted to me and by the time we left The Hearth I was attracted to her. I sent my mom a message: ‘I met someone and am staying the night.

Kate’s my height and what others might describe as a buxom beauty. We stayed awake in her bed talking. We were down to our panties and her bra was a white sheer lace that wonderfully held her gently in place.

She giggled and sexy giggle, “I can tell you are as hot as I am.” It was mostly kissing and petting. She had an unfair advantage in knowing all the erogenous zones. She kissed me as she whispered, “Do you know that you have as many of the erogenous of a woman as you do a man? No wonder it seems easy in your being a woman.”

I have been extremely excited before and enjoyed myself, but tonight persuaded me that I never really had orgasmed before. I am not sure when we fell asleep, but it was 9:00 a.m. when I woke up.

She straddled me and said, “If anyone says, your female hormones can’t have begun to kick in. Don’t argue, simply know they are wrong. I wish we had the solution to take off your breast forms; I am sure your breasts are aroused and have started to bud…”

To be continued…