Encrypted
I’ve never fit.
I mean nowhere.
Not in the “Real world” at least.
My parents were afraid of me. Ever since I was a little kid. I’m strange, I’ve always known I was strange…different than the other kids. I was what they called smart, really smart, smarter than most people. I know that I sound like I’m bragging but I’m not. I’m not really able to. You need to really get social nuances to be able to create a real falsehood. Being smarter than your parents, and not able to get the social nuances. I know what they meant by them expressing their love to me, but it’s so hard on you as a child when you can’t read the nuances of the people around you.
My mother left us when I was seven. She just up and left as far as I knew for years. When I turned 14 I found a note she left my father. She wasn’t able to “Deal” with a child who doesn’t love her back. Who thought more of math than of her love.
That hurt me. I feel hurt like everyone else it’s just sometimes I can’t get those feelings out right. All my contexts feel just so wrong and off. They always have felt this way
They say I’ve got Aspergers syndrome. I’m like that, but at the same time I’m not so sure. See I know when I’m being socially awkward but when I try to be social It goes blank, and it’s me not knowing what to do, how I feel …It’s like this. I can see a situation and I know how I should act, I know what’s socially acceptable but and needed but it’s not always so clear.
I have trouble with who I am. I always have known I wasn’t right. It’s nothing I’ve been able to pin down either. It’s like being a computer genius and knowing there’s something wrong in this program that’s me but I’m looking for lines of code in a programming language I don’t know.
I think my father was relieved when I moved out and started college at U of T (University of Toronto.) He was always there but he treated me very indifferently, he kept me always at a distance. He made the fact I knew I was different, that I wasn’t like anyone else almost a quantum state. That Mathew Grant, me and the way I am was a law of physics.
My flawed, strange self was a literal fact. This and the fact I was so…unliked, unwanted and even unseen in my home life and my time in school, all just exacerbated the entire situation of…who I am, Me having a really bad stutter never helped one bit. I felt so out of place, It got to where I though I was an alien.
I’m a mathematician, and an engineer as well as a computer programmer I went in studying for a triple degree. My work was really my life. My first set of degrees in my bachelors of sciences took me three years. I minored in music and dance. There’s math and physics in both to such an elegant way…I could lose myself in both.
I was just starting into my master’s degrees when the movie The Matrix came out. It fundamentally changed my life….The second and interlocking part was figuring out that I was transgendered.
My softwear wasn’t compatible to my hardware.
So how did I figure it out. I was at a faculty mixer. I would go as a guest to the professors that taught things that I was studying, they tried to include me in these events to court me to take a position as a gifted student into their departments. I was very uncomfortable in this position. I was uncomfortable in social situations like this.
Someone spiked my drink, I only had one drink it was purely a social convention I learned put those around me at ease but it overtook me really strongly. I left the party and needed some air. I ended up somehow down on Church Street in the rain and I remember hearing footsteps behind me. I didn’t register the danger cues. Not until I got shove in an alley from behind. A plastic grocery bag was pulled over my head tightly and I was beginning to suffocate. I didn’t do well with the stress of the moment. It was so out of my social norms that I panicked and had what I’ve been told is like an Autistic fit. I don’t have other way other way to describe just being so shaken your entire psyche goes offline. Actually getting really badly beaten shocked me out of it. I remember hearing.
“Jesus you were right he’s really a freak ain’t he.”
“Yeah, freak’s right off his nut. A smart freak.”
“Holy fuck look at the cash he’s got!”
“Yeah, yeah lets have some fun with him.”
That’s when they stripped me naked. I fought, That was a mistake because they pulled on the bag and choked me out. I freaked out again. I wet myself, and passed out.
I woke when hands touched me and I freaked out again. They took the bag off of my head and I could breathe again. I don’t know why I couldn’t take it off myself, I still don’t…I can’t touch plastic grocery bags anymore. Sometimes I can’t handle certain textures.
My rescuer looked at me during the pouring down rain. She was…beautiful and different. I mean very different. Beautiful women never came close to me. I’m never what they sought out in a mate. “Hey, hey can you talk?”
I nod. I don’t talk because I stutter so much.
“Are you alright?”
I shake my head no.
“I though you could talk?”
“Sssss,….Ssss…Ssus…Sorry.” I don’t look at her, I know that look will be there. Being naked and beaten and shivering wasn’t helping me. She lifted my chin and she looked at me. There was this look of…warmth? Compassion in her very pretty coffee eyes. It worked well with her wavy tumbly brown hair and her coffee and cream skin. Beautifully made up face. It was that kindness that made her beautiful.
“Shhush Baby, it’s okay…I get it.” She pulls off her long red raincoat and she wraps it around and over me shielding me from the rain. Her hair, clothes and make-up getting ruined and she doesn’t care. “C’mon honey can you walk?”
I nod yes again. She helps me up and starts to walk me out of the alley and down the street to her car. It’s a metallic blue Chevette that’s seen better days.
“I’m Brandy by the way.”
“Mmm…Mmmm…Mmuh…Mathew.” I hate doing that. If it was something technical, something not personal and I couldn’t see them it didn’t happen so much. This much personal stuff, this much one on one interaction was very anxiety inducing.
She opens my door first and get’s me inside. And then she gets in the drivers side. She turns the car on and heater up to full. We’re both shivering but she’s smiling and I don’t understand why.
She start to drive and she’s careful but I’m still scared. I don’t leave campus much…ever, routine in my friend. I have an apartment right near campus in a basement and I take the bus. I’m afraid of cars. I seen a car accident at nine and the destruction and the chaos and the blood just never left me. I’m barely able to keep it together, I’m counting my fingers one handed but I’m doing it with both hands. She’s going to hate me, I’m going to make her feel bad for being around me.
She…fiddles with the radio and turns it on and fiddles through it until I hear some classical music. I love this stuff, like I said I love music, it helps, it stops my hands. Brandy looks over and smiles at me. I smile back I’m not sure why she’s smiling but I know it’s better to just return it instead of doing nothing. Just a little one, too much smiling is bad. I’ve been told I was creepy.
She bites her lower lip. Is it a tick? “Mathew?, Do you want me to take you to the hospital?” I can’t, too many people. I shake my head no.
“The police station?” again I shake my head no.
“You’re place?” I nod.
I write my address in the fog on the window.
Brandy drives me home.
She’s nice enough to turn the music up.
When I get there she helps me. I don’t have my keys and that throws me into pacing and counting my fingers again. Brandy pressed the superintendents button until she woke him up. He was angry with me, he was more angry when he saw me and how I was dressed and looked at Brandy and called her a Tranny? And a Faggot? He wasn’t happy that he had to let me into my…the door swung open.
I’d been robbed.
They broke into my home, my apartment that was my place. It was the one place that was were I could be safe. I could be strange as I was and it was okay. If there’s anyone like me, then there’s this…this way I need things to be. It all grounds me and insulates me.
They took everything.
My computers, My instruments, my CD’s, DVD’s, My records., They took so much more.
They took everything.
What they didn’t they destroyed.
I’m not sure what’s going on when I come out of it. I vaguely remember rocking back and forth on the floor. The police are there and they ask me things. They keep asking me things hard and fast and it’s too much. Brandy gets me out of there after talking to them.
I lost track of time again. I don’t have my watch. I don’t have my watch. That’s bad.
She’s driving and not even the music helps.
We’re stopped and she helps me out of her car. She takes me into this small house. It’s small closed in but nice, orderly in a female way. She smiles at me. “Back with me?”
I nod.
“I’m so sorry honey, there wasn’t anything left.”
I nod but tears run out of my eyes. I’m wiping some of them away and she’s wiping others away. It’s very soothing.
“You said you didn’t have anybody to call.”
I nod. I don’t remember doing that though but considering everything that happened to me but I don’t understand why.
“You can stay with me until you get back on your feet.”
I try a smile.
“I hope you uhm don’t mind rooming with someone like me.”
I really didn’t understand but nodded. Brandy was probably the nicest human being that I’ve ever known.
The big big smile was a nice reward. People are put off by me, She wasn’t. It was a strange experience.
“You’re still freezing and hurting here I’ll show you where you can get a hot bath or a shower.”
She takes me into a very female decorated bedroom and to the bathroom that’s part of that. “Make yourself at home, I’ll get some clothes to for you and something hot to drink.” I let her take away the raincoat and I’m nervous for awhile until the furnace kicks in. The mechanical blowing sound is soothing to me then so is the music that starts playing in the main part of the home.
I opt for the bath. I like baths as hot as I can get them even in the summertime. I love sliding underwater and this place has an old claw footed bathtub. Brandy must enjoy baths too. I slide in and soak, I cry a little at the heat touching my bruises and just soak for awhile before soaping up my smooth skin. Yes I keep myself free of hair and I’ve never really had much on my face but body hair is distracting, it’s a texture thing so I’ve used various creams and stuff to delete it from my body. I finish by shampooing my hair I’m lucky that I see she has Head & Shoulders there… I have a thing about using only certain things too sometimes. In high-school they used to call me “K-mart Sucks” and “Counting Cards” and “Jenny” I’m not retarded, I’ve seen Rain-Man and Forest Gump. I’m not saying that I understood the nuances of the stories like everyone else. But I got what my tormentors meant.
I use Brandy’s hairdryer and she comes into the bathroom. “Uhm, I don’t really have any guys clothes anymore. I’m sorry but it’s all I have.” She’s looking down. The clothes she’s offering are women’s clothes. I’m upset or more truthfully unbalanced by it. I pace in the bathroom and look at her, pace some more and look at her. Brandy isn’t looking at me. “I’m sorry Mathew but these are the least girly things I have.”
I don’t get the nuances of people but I know my own expression on her face.
She’s afraid of not being accepted.
I take the clothes. “Iiiiiit’s Okaaay, bb..Bb..Beggars can’t be Ch..Choosers.” I try a smile, just a small one. “Yyyy…You’re C..C..Cold Tt..Too.” frustrated I gesture at the bathtub.
“Yes I need a hot shower. There’s a kettle of hot water on the stove, there’s teabags and instant coffee in the cupboards.”
I nod.
Then because it’s supposed to be nice give I give her a light kiss on the cheek. Brandy gives me that smile again. I give her a small smile back then head out into the bedroom.
I’ve never put on women’s clothes before and I pull the panties over my legs and every neuron in my skin lights up. The satiny silkiness on me…is just so…The tightness over my hips and the way they pull everything snugly together in…Snug is good, tight spaces is good to me, I…I had a weighted blanket that I’ve had bought from a site for things that sooth autistic kids. It soothed me too. This is too. The top is a strange kind of tank top and the pants are like an odd gym pant but the material is softer for both. They fit because I’m skinny, I..I have a thing about food textures too. I live on peanut butter, I like crunchy like in vegetables There’s a scent to them I like. I use the brush at her table, dresser with the mirror. I smell that good scent from a bottle and smell the contents. I dab some onto my finger sniff it then put a little on under my shirt. It’s vanilla like, soothing and pleasing to my senses.
I slip into the kitchen and find the things she told me about. I make a mug of hot chocolate, two one for each of us. Large marshmallow in first then some milk or coffee cream, she has this hazelnut flavored stuff. I finger count to decide or rather until I decide. I’m sorry I have habits. I pour a little over the marshmallow. Then I use a third mug to mix the powdered hot chocolate with the water, it’s not right if you can’t pour hot chocolate over the milk and marshmallow. I know…I’m…I just can’t do it any other way.
I have to wash up the cup and the three spoons I used to make it. Yes I Have to use a different spoon for each cup. I just do.
I take mine after I cover her’s with a saucer so it will stay hot and I walk around looking at Brandy’s home. I can’t judge because I don’t know but it’s a bit run down. And very female? But not really having been around many females to this extent I am really just guessing. It tugs at the memories of my mother I think and I find it soothing. I like that it’s small. I think the word may be cozy.
But there’s also something else…walking around like this, smelling like this, and everything has gotten me aroused. I can feel it starting, I think. I’ve never really had that much experience with arousal.
I’m kind of swaying to the music and really loving the shift and movement of my panties as I’m dancing, or sort of. I know how I’m a good dancer. I do that for awhile with my eyes closed. I don’t bump into things because I know where everything is. I have good memory, and I have to know it that well, I just do.
“Mmm, this is really good Mathew, thank you.”
“It’s okay…you’re welcome.”
“You’re not stuttering?”
“I’m…I’m, not…”
“No…? You’re not…” She walks over close to me. “Wow…”
“Wow…?”
“You look pretty, very feminine.”
“I do…?”
There’s no urge to finger count, I don’t need to pace or rock. Okay I feel my fingers twitchy like I really want to but I can fight it off. Brandy takes me by the hand to the bedroom and to her dresser. “See?” she gestures at the mirror.
I do look like a female.
And it started, right there and then. It was like my hardware was starting to match my software. I felt less not me. The more I looked the more solid? The more me I looked.
And the more aroused I was getting. Brandy didn’t say anything about it and she took combs and brushes. And worked at my hair. The sheer soothingness of her doing that made fresh tears spill out. She wiped them away. I saw her aroused through her thin robe. Her breasts had pointed nipples and she too had a aroused penis.
“You have a penis?”
“Yes…I…I though you knew, your landlord called me a tranny.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“You don’t?”
“No.”
“How?”
“How? If someone doesn’t know something then they don’t know it. Is it slang?”
“Uhm, yeah.”
“Oh…I have problems with slang, I sometimes don’t understand it.”
“It means Transvestite or it can mean transsexual or transgendered.”
“Oh…Oh…Are you transsexual or transgendered.”
“I’m Transgendered but borderline transsexual.”
“Oh this explains why you have breasts. Was it surgery?”
She nods, but she’s looking at my face like she’s searching for something.
“Mathew, why aren’t you freaked out by this?”
“It’s who you are, if it’s really who you are then it’s you. I assume that it is because you’ve gone through surgery to make yourself look like a female. I cannot fault anyone for being who they are.”
“A lot of people do.”
I look her in the eyes. “I know.”
She smiles a little at me. “Yeah you do.”
“You are a nice person Brandy, I know that you are the best person I’ve ever met.”
She blushes, it’s really comely with her complexion. “Really…” she whispered it kind in a hushed tone. Two tears slide down her cheeks. I wipe them away.
She takes me by the hand and leads me to the bed and lays me down. Brandy gives me my very first kiss. I think I understand what the fuss is about. “That was my first kiss. Thank you.” Brandy blinks at me. “I was you’re first kiss?”
I nod.
“Ever?”
“Yes, ever I have a very good memory, I don’t forget things. It was my first kiss or at least since I was three.”
“Your Mother didn’t even kiss you?”
“Not since I was three. I scared her because I was different, she left when I was seven.”
“Oh Mathew.”
“Yes?”
I don’t get why she, he…no she; because it is who she is…..I don’t get why she’s shaking her head and smiling at me as she leans in and kisses me. I am starting to like this kissing thing. In between the kisses she has her hand down my panties and her hand is stroking me, her fingers play with my testes. I’m stunned at how good it feels, how impossibly good this feels and she asks me. “So why aren’t you stuttering, I’ve known guys who stutter, and there’s usually very little that can be done outside of speech therapy.”
“It is all of this…the clothes, they’re doing something that…oh…Brandy…feels more right to me than I’ve ever known before…I’m different…I’m not a normal person and…and…this makes me feel normal…oh Brandy I’ve never felt normal before!”
I explode in her hands and in my heart…I…I’ve had fits, I cried but it’s never been like this. Not like this, just like everyone else and the pleasure from my first orgasm just knocked ant walls that might have been there. I curl over onto my side and cry, I bawl like a baby for a long time. I’ve got twenty eight years of tears that I didn’t know how to get out right coming out. Crying like that in bed shouldn’t be something a woman would want in her bed. But Brandy pulls me to her breasts and rocks me and holds me and she sings to me. I could not have stopped myself from falling in love with her if I tried.
I never would have thought to try.
I didn’t understand people most of the time.
I never thought I would find someone who doesn’t seem the be afraid of me.
My weirdness.
I never though I’d find somebody to love.
I slowly look at Brandy. “I love you.”
She looks at me. Oh…oh..no, I said something wrong…….
“What…?” he voice is small, quiet.
“I…I…I…Ll..lll…Luv…you.” I’m scared now the stutters back and it hurts, It hurts worse than my bruises. It’s like I’ve been kicked in my heart.
Brandy looks at me, then moves and straddles me and takes my face in her hands a her hair tumbles down around be like a lovely curtain. “You love me?” She’s really intense right now. “Yes.”
“You’re not lying to me?”
“No, I can’t.”
“You can’t?”
“No, I don’t understand people, all the things they do or why they do them enough to lie.”
“…..” There’s tears falling down her face, her nose onto mine. “You love me…really love me, like you are in love with me.”
“Yes…” I turn my face away from hers and I’m crying again.
Brandy reaches out and turns my head so I’m facing her again. “Mathew? What’s wrong.”
“I love you…but…but…I’m not normal, I’m strange, people avoid me, don’t like me, I’m…a freak…I love you but…once you…you start to know me you’ll…hate me…”
I can’t hold back the tears, and sobs come out and I can’t help but close my eyes to the tears that pour out of me.
Brandy wipes those tears away… “Mathew…Mathew…Mattie? I love you too. I’m falling in love with you too….”
“Really…?”
“Yeah, really. Do you care that I’m transgendered?”
“No.”
“Do you care that I’ve got the same equipment as you?”
“You do? I can finish my work here?!”
She laughs but not hurtfully. “I mean sexually.”
“You don’t, I don’t have breasts.”
She laughs again, kisses me again. “You know what I mean.”
I don’t, or rather I’m not sure about it until I think about it. “No, I fell in love with you, you are you so how can I have a problem with it.”
That earned me another kiss.
“You don’t care that I’m black?”
“You’re black? I though with you’re complexion you would be mixed ethnic.”
“It’s the same thing to a lot of people.”
“Not to me, ethnicity doesn’t matter.”
Another kiss and she leaks a few tears. I wipe them away.
“Then Mattie, Dear heart if you can accept these things about me then I can love you not matter what.”
“Promise…?”
“I promise.”
Brandy kisses me then she slides down my body and gets me aroused again. She gives me my first introduction to oral sex. Then slides back up once she revived my arousal and lowered herself onto me….I like sex, I like sex a lot even when she used a lubricant on me and entered me. I enjoyed that far more than I though I would too. It made things clearer to me and she was very tender. I’m sorry if I could not get graphic about this, I don’t know how to explain it right without getting to technical. I don’t want to make it seem mechanical. it wasn’t, it was beautiful, it was freeing and uniting and organic in this real way.
I still was very sore and very tired. I loved, loved this spooning thing. I love being held. Physical security is soothing to me, very soothing to me. I loved being curled up in her arms her breasts pressed against me. “Mathew…I love you.” Brandy whispered into my ear. “Call me Madison……Brandy?”
“Yes beloved?”
“I think I might be transgendered too.”
“I think you might be too love.”
“Is that okay?”
“I love you no matter what Madison.”
“Good…G’night.”
And that’s how I figured out that I am transgendered. But what does that have to do with The Matrix? It clicked that night when I was sound asleep and my brain just kept processing something. It was the zero and one thing that is the basics of how computers work. Really it’s how the universe could work. Everything, everything sub-atomic is just programming strings of equations bound together to create the…to create…everything.
It was morning and I’d been awake for about an hour smiling…I had love and I had figure something really big out. Huge and scary. But very, very amazing. In my hand I created in my hand this tiny space where I was making this tiny little electric spark jump out of my palm by turning off all the energy pathways in my hand except for two and this little bit of my own electrical field was jumping from one point to another.
My whole universe just opened up to become this whole infinite thing.
It’s all there underneath it all.
It’s all Encrypted.
Encrypted-2
I wake up like I always do 5:28 AM it’s a reflex. I have a routine and that’s not possible right now. I’m not home, not in my home, my sanctuary, the one place that…that was supposed to be my refuge against the chaos out there of the world.
It was all gone, but I found something else, someone wonderful and I think I discovered something…It wasn’t enough though. Just my morning routine kept trying to run through my head, and not being there home it just…it kept ticking away until I close my eyes trying to get it out of my head.
Impossible because I’m just not built like that.
What it does do is I start flashbacking to getting jumped, getting that greasy feeling bag over my head, I tried to get it off but I just couldn’t and I...I could feel the unsolidness of the plastic like it was…greasy.
Then the beatings, and my home my home my safe place I keep seeing everything that was ruined over and over. It was the only place that was mine, that fit my strangeness and it had taken so long for me to get it where it would fit me, it had to fit me just right it had to or I couldn’t live there just...it’s all gone now. They ruined it…!
I heard this wretched strangled sound come out of me that is just as painful as it is pathetic and I’m shaking and I’m crying like some wounded animal, I can’t even cry right like a “normal person.”
It’s these arms around me that hold me tighter than tight that save me. I freak out at first, scream, shake, thrash because sometimes I had this thing about being touched and I’ve had to get the idea of physical contact with others established in my head in order for it not to be a bad thing for me.
Regular school was hell for me; my parents had enough issues with me that personal contact with them wasn’t something that I received. So how could I be ready for something that invasive when I didn’t know it was coming? Then there was those who thought that I was a freak and different and they’d bully me, pick on me physically because more often than not I didn’t get the nuances of why they were teasing me or I could pretend that I didn’t.
That mattered very little to the bullies that decided that I needed to be corrected in how I acted around them. It was the middle years of school that was the worst. There were some kids that just weren’t comfortable around me. I was strange, off- putting I talked in a funny way. Not like a deaf person might or a learning disabled person might but like someone who just doesn’t get it. They were hostile to me all through middle school. There were kids who just liked to hit and hurt me.
There are people out there that just react to people like me with violence and contempt. Or even worse, pity. There were just some people that thought they could fix me. Or that I need to be taken care of like I was mentally disabled and then there were those that thought the religion might fix me. One of the guidance councilors in grade eight had actually had me in his office for three months during my free period’s everyday so he could get me to pray away my sins. He became a problem for me when he thought I wasn’t devout enough. But if you pray and mean it aren’t you supposed to be forgiven of your sins? If my sin had made me like this and praying to be forgiven for my sins…I didn’t get the theory behind the things he was trying to tell me.
He didn’t like the fact that I couldn’t make sense out of the supposed rules of the bible and his religion. Or that I believed more in real science that what he was trying to shove down my throat.
He took me to his own house one day and he was going to exorcise the sin out of me. I remember that he hit me. I remember he had hit me like three times before my father had arrived and beat him up.
It was one of the few times he had ever defended me, even if he was distant afterwards.
But yes the ones who pitied me were the worst. Those I encountered more and more as I got older in high school and when it was uncool to beat on me or to tease me. There were still some that did but rarely. But it was the ones that pitied me for being me and no real reason than that and they thought that I deserved their pity that really drove me away from even trying to be social.
Even as socially awkward as I was there were just days that those looks just sort of choked something off in me. Hurt me in a deeper way. Those days I think I’d have preferred to have taken a beating.
I cloistered myself away in the computer lab or the library as much as I could. Even in the town I came from there wasn’t much refuge for somebody like me. Even the town library had become more often than not my sanctuary. Learning and exploring and fiction and science fiction my escapes if I could understand them and get the things the writer was try to get across.
Those arms though…
Saving me, those are don’t let me go even as I panic and then my thrashing turns into them rocking me and holding me and there’s this light yet sultry very soothing voice going. “Shush, Shush Madison, I’ve got you, its okay you’re safe here.”
“Shush…you’re safe Maddie, you’re safe.” It slowly starts to sink in where I’m at, that I’m at Brandy’s home and it’s this amazing person. The most amazing person I’ve ever met holding me tightly and rocking me so perfectly. I manage to lift my head to look at her and there’s love that even someone like me can unmistakingly see there. And it opens up one of those locked up emotional places in me and I start to cry on her shoulder.
I don’t know how long I’m crying for on Brandy’s shoulder for, that’s slightly distressing.
She looks at me, she is so beautiful. I’m still very much amazed that I am here and I found her although technically she is the one who found and rescued me. I love the tousled mess of her hair and the exotic rich coffee of her skin. I love the kindness and sweetness I’m finding just staring into her face.
“Better?”
“No, not really?”
“But you’re not crying?”
“No but I am really confused?”
“About being transgendered?”
“No?” I am confused and I’m confusing her. “No I am sure of that being the state that I am supposed to be. It isn’t that. It’s the fact that I have no idea what to do and there is this routine that I used to go through every day to get ready to go to my classes and to do my research and just to be ready to go through the day but with everything that has happened and where I am at I can’t do that now.”
“Oh is that important?”
I nod, even talking about it brings it to mind and my voice is leaving me, going away to that place where I can’t talk. I can’t look at her because I feel so bad, so adrift.
She slides away from me and comes back with a not so good laptop computer. It’s old and heavy compared to the one that I used to own but then again she’s doing the best that she can with what she has available.
“Here sweetie you can e-mail the school and tell them that you might be out for awhile and that you were assaulted and broken into and need time to recover and to figure things out.”
It’s instantly good news. I smile at her and actually am able to look her in the face and she’s got this look there that gets right passed my awkwardness and inability to connect. No one has ever looked at me like that. “Thank you so much Brandy.” I can actually hear happy…happy in my own voice.
We kiss and she takes me to that space in my head that’s very okay. Then Brandy is smiling at me. “I’m going to go get beautiful, you go ahead and do what you need to do.”
“Wait.”
“Wait?”
“Please, I won’t be long. I want to learn how to be beautiful too.”
Brandy smiles at me. “Sure, how about I go make breakfast?”
“Breakfast would be nice.”
“What would you like to have?”
“Scrambled eggs, white bread toast nothing on it, tea with just some milk in it…please?”
“No problem Madison.”
I can’t help but smile at that. Madison Grant…not Mathew, it just sounds so right. Like that feeling you get when you’re doing calculations and it just turns out right, even before you finish writing down the answer…finally knowing what I am, it’s like that. My solution.
I get online and I write the university, and to the doctors at the heads of each of my departments and I write my therapist who has been helping me deal with everything from deciphering society to working with the latest theories and developments in my development. I tell her about my attack and my situation and me realization about being transgendered. After that I report my credit cards stolen and my identification too and order my new ones for each.
Oh that feels better. Getting things back in order and back under control if only this little bit is so soothing to me. I get up and strip the bed and moving in the panties I’m wearing is very comforting in the snugness and I’m staring at the piles of things when Brandy comes back into the bedroom.
“Madison?”
“Yes?”
“What happened?”
“I need to change the bed.”
“Need to?”
“Yes?” I look at her and hug myself, nervous…trying not to count on my fingers. “Brandy, I’m not good at things that everyone can do…I’m strange and I have something wrong with…”
She cuts me off with a kiss and hugs me. “Madison, what you are is more wonderful and special than you’ll ever know.” There’s another tender kiss and her body pressing into mine. “If we need to change the sheets everyday then we do, no big deal.”
“It’s not?”
“No hon. I’ve got my own washer and dryer here so it’s okay. Anything else?”
“Oh Brandy, there’s so much.” I look down at the floor. She presses her face against mine cheek to cheek.
“Maddie? You want to know something?”
“Yes. I usually want to know as much as I can, even if it’s random things. The more I know is the more I know and maybe I will understand everything better.”
I can feel her facial muscles shape into a smile and her head to turns me.
“That’s not what I meant love but listen to me. You’re not messed up. You aren’t you’re just you. In our own ways everyone else on the planet is messed up in their own ways. I’ve just met you and you’ve touched my heart, you are warm and sweet and honest and you care very, very much about people in a very beautiful and rare way.”
“Brandy?”
“Yes love.” She says with another smile and rubs noses with me a moment before kissing me. I love the natural glean of the coffee colors in her skin; I love those eyes of hers they’re so deeply brown and large and filled full of all those good feelings in the world. I kiss her this time, my head slightly tilted I hope I am doing this right. She smiles again when we part lips so maybe I did it right?
“Why are you like this? I don’t mean this transgendered part of you but the good parts. Why are you so good with how strange I am? It’s like you get me or get a lot of me.”
She leans on me and shivers a bit and I awkwardly put my arms around her to hold her. I think this is what she wants, needs. Brandy leans her head on my shoulder, it feels nice. I’ve never been able to do this for anyone before. It’s a basic human need even for people like me. We all want, need, wish for someone to hold.
I actually move us a little like we’re dancing. Brandy holds me too. Then she clears her throat finding words.
“I had a little boy that was Autistic when I was younger. It was before I really knew who I really was inside and I got a girl pregnant. I was trying so hard to run with the guys and be tough and everything I hooked up with her and we ended up having a baby together.”
“So you’re a mother then.” I look at her a little worried. “I don’t identify well with children Brandy, not even when I was a child.”
“”I know Madison it’s okay, when did you ever have a chance to learn right. No I’m not a mom…I’d love to be but…I was about twenty and going to school when I started to really discover myself. I’d been married to Shanna for four years going on five and we had gotten married as soon as we turned sixteen and before Samuel was born. He was born Autistic and we tried our best to give him the best life that we could but when I came out…when Shanna caught me she flipped out and divorced me and took my child away from me and moved to the states where she has relatives down in Baltimore…”
“And you can’t see him?”
“No her family has gotten an order against me that doesn’t let me see him.”
“You could fight it in court.”
“I tried but my own family sided with Shanna and they won’t have anything to do with me. My family is very strict and my dad says what I am is against God’s laws and my Mom said it’s because of me that Samuel turned out the way that he did. I haven’t been home or really heard from any of them or even my siblings in seven years, not since the divorce he’d be eleven now almost twelve.”
“That’s not right Brandy.”
“I know, it hurts so much honey all of it does but that’s my life. I just couldn’t live and not be the person that I have to be.”
“Yes, when something is true it’s true and not wishing or even saying that it isn’t true will change that. This is really easy to understand and I don’t understand why people who say that they can understand this really don’t.”
“Madison…”
“Yes?”
“You don’t understand because you’re not an asshole and sadly in this life there are just too many assholes.”
I kiss her. “Thank you that clears everything up immensely for me.”
Brandy smiles up at me which is nice actually being taller than her, I’m thin but I am of a not unfavorable height of five feet and eight inches. Brandy is perhaps two inches shorter than me. I get another kiss from her and another smile. I will never get tired of someone really smiling at me. I’m starved for the positivity of the gesture.
“C’mon beautiful I cooked up a nice breakfast and I don’t want it to get cold on us.”
She called me beautiful.
No one in my life has said that to me before. I had no idea that it would mean so much to me. I’m still processing the way that it makes me feel when we go into her kitchen.
This is not the kitchen of an exotic dancer. It is small and very cozy or this is what I would call it. Too small really for anyone but a single person to work in it but two very intimate ones could do it in a sort of dance? Its white painted old wood paneling and that has been edged with a border of hand painted flowers and vines and bees along with various butterflies and dragonflies and such things. There are painted floor moldings doe like grasses with cute tiny turtles and little frogs and even snails. It’s very pretty.
Her windows are old, the double pane wood framed ones that I grew up with and like the farmhouse I grew up in back home this place needs work that she just couldn’t afford.
She has there ceramic animals and glass animals like you used to get as a gift in the old fashioned boxes of tea. She even collects some very pretty tea tins too. I really enjoy the hanging pane shaped animals of stained glass dangling in the window. They catch the sunshine in a most pleasing way and the kitchen invokes this whole feeling of peace, of a hug in me that I can’t quite place.
Actually maybe reminding me of my paternal grandmother’s home. I’d only been there a few times as a child. Before my mother had left us and abandoned us. My memories of the place are disjointed but they seem to be happy ones. I haven’t thought about her for fifteen years or more.
I smile at the memory as brandy makes or rather serves up our breakfast. I’m happy and more so at everything. Her plates and china all match but have the crackle in the enamel of being old and well used and taken care of. I find the effect soothing in an interesting kind of way. She makes a proper pot of tea for us and has the things in their proper places for them. There are even napkins set out. The toast is good and the eggs are actually the best I’ve ever had, creamy and rich but not watery or browned. Then there’s the fact that Brandy had made homemade jam. It’s just something else that I haven’t had since I was a child.
“This is all very good Brandy; you do not do this all the time do you?”
“Actually I do because I usually work nights dancing I have my mornings to myself and I like things a certain way. The one person who never turned her back on me was my grandmother. She took me for the girl that I was and when my family threw me away she took me in and helped me get on my feet. She taught me a lot of things about being a woman and everything, as much as she could before she passed on.”
“You learned really well, this seems all very properly feminine.”
“It is my Nan was a nurses aid in World War Two and she ended up married and moving back here to Ontario with a British Pilot, she was determined to make herself into a nice girl that his parents would’ve been proud to have in the family. She knew all the stuff about being a proper lady and all that and she was more than happy teaching it to me.”
“Well I think your Nan raised an excellent grand-daughter, this feels all very good to me. I mean nice, I mean…” I duck my head in a blush.
“It’s okay Maddie love; I understand there’s this soothing thing about having a bit of order and control over stuff.”
“You do?”
“Yes, there’s a lot of ritual and preparation in just being a woman, honestly I think it’s some of the reason why we seem more balanced is because some of us like to see things like that. Long baths, leisurely breakfasts, reading the newspaper or a book while finishing a pot of tea. Cooking, baking, and cleaning my house are all soothing things about being a woman to me. Even dressing and putting on makeup let’s me think or just be at peace about my life or as much peace as I can find while I’m doing it.”
“You’ll show me? I...I...I think I could use something like that, like you in my life Brandy.” Just the calm yet passionate way that she talks about it actually has me longing for something like that. It has just often felt that my life is like freehand climbing. I’d cling from one or two things in my life that were my handholds. I never felt like my feet were on solid ground. Brandy’s description sounded like solid ground.
She smiles that amazing smile at me. “Of course Madison but let’s just relax first.”
I’m not sure what she means by relax but it soon becomes apparent. We take out time eating, really enjoying the food the tea. She reads the paper and reads it to me with the occasional “Hey Madison listen to this.” We clean up and do the dishes and she asks me to find some music I like online. She dances and moves with the classical music like nothing I’ve ever seen. She has this boneless grace with this almost modern dance like flow that she moves with the violins and hums with the cello and her hips shift back and forth and her hands will have a dishcloth and a dish in them and will move in time with the drums punctuating boom boom.
Once she finished cleaning and the dishes were away she moved more, like the music got more bandwidth in her now that she was finished.
She’s redefining my love of classical music for me. And she’s so randomly free, a living reforming fractal pattern. I mean half the time she’s just smiling with her eyes closed. The drums go boom, boom and her head even shakes whipping her hair from side to side. She opens those sultry eyes of hers and takes my hand and my waist… “Brandy…? I…I’m..”
“Shush Maddie, just close your eyes girl, feel the music, the beat, tempo, rhythm.” And in the middle of doing the breakfast dishes she teaches me how to dance, to move myself in a way that I’ve only ever felt by moving my hands. This, this lets that music feel like it’s soaking into me, and I’ve got tears on my face because it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever done, this is incredible. It’s better than sex…actually I soon find myself hardening with the beauty and excitement of it and the feeling combined with the panties is just so…
Again…I do not have the right words.
But we moved to the bedroom, Brandy kept us dancing, turned up the music. She dropped her robe and danced naked with me. There was this part where she put lipstick on me before we started and we kissed, we kissed very, very much. We suckled each others nipples and while I do not have female breasts the sensation was very pleasurable. Brandy was a good teacher, showing me how to do for her by leading by example. She knelt at one point her brown eyes shining with excitement and before taking me into her mouth she said. “Violins Madison listen to the violins.” She performed oral sex to me too the violins playing in the piece her head moving to the music. She moved me…beyond anything I knew music to me. We made love on the bedding on the floor of her bedroom. Myself first inside of her, there is this security in the tightness, in her opening to me and letting me in, the feeling of her legs around my waist. Brandy did the same thing in a whole other way when she made love to me. She loved me so much she was becoming part of me, entering me. My legs holding her made it better she became this person who was letting me hold onto her as tight as I needed to… She guided me into lovemaking with the music, it was…It was more than I have words for.
Afterwards was a bit of cuddling. Then she put on the laundry and ran us both a bubble bath.
We take a hot bubble bath, she teaches me how to get “Cleaned up.” we shave, exfoliate, wash each others hair…that is so soothing to me. Having that done for me but also doing that too.
Brandy teaches me about lotion and baby oil right out of the bath, plucking and shaping my eyebrows, manicuring, pedicures, make up. We are hours in the bathroom playing, teaching, learning and being intimate in doing those things with each other. There is this so soothing ritual to it all. There’s this security in the feeling like nothing I’ve known and to put on foundation and powder and all these other things that take detail that calms me down, firms me up inside someplace deep in my psyche. Brandy’s more than pleased that I learn so well. I’m good at the details, By the time I’ve put my seventh attempt at make up on she’s neatened up my hair and styled it.
I look in the mirror and see the real me. It’s like several lines on code that were missing from a graphics program coming together and what you were seeing as a shape in the program becomes an actual image before my eyes.
Me, the real me.
As much a revelation as discovering the Universal Encryption, actually so much like it. Zeros and Ones, On or Off, Mathew or Madison.
I’m definitely Madison. Being Mathew was a bug in my formatting. I know I stared a long time at my real self and the thought came like out of the blue as they say. If I learned enough about the Encryption could I hack my own code? Could I fix what was wrong with me? Could I? I theory yes.
I know I was distracted by the thoughts of the code and wanting to dive right into the theory but until I really found out more and how these were things that I needed to know. Like how to dress.
Oh…oh…
New panties, and hose that go thigh high and I love that thigh high band of clinging rubber and elastic and the bra…I love the way that it closes around me, hugs me and Brandy loans me her very first started gel forms to give me a modest small B cup. They don’t show cleavage but give weight and shape. I’m in white lacey under things and as pale and made up and blonde as I am. I see a whole new me in the mirror, I see Madison even more and more importantly feel so much more myself, less fractured and dysfunctional and less strange. Getting into a cute Tee-shirt and ankle cut jeans that hold me a squeeze me right just makes me feel transformed.
I think I sort of look like my mother a little.
“I…God, Brandy…This is me., This is the real me.”
“I know, Maddie you’re beautiful and this is just clothes and make up.”
I nod still staring. “Once I start my HRT for my transition it’ll change me more.” I can’t believe just how different I look from the way I normally do. There is this whole layer of my usual anxiety that just isn’t there anymore…or right now.
“I think you really might change. You’re very naturally femme looking honey and I’m wondering if you might not have a touch of AIS.”
“AIS?”
“Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. It’s where your body doesn’t process male hormones very much or well. It’s like being male but you’re kind of allergic to being male.”
“I think you’re right, I’ve felt like that my entire life. I never ever fit in with any of the boys, guys , men in my hometown. I never thought I was transgendered, never I never had much experience with women in my life and I’m not good at anything normally social so I avoided those things and as I got older they avoided me.”
I turn and look at Brandy who is making the bed and smile at her. “Thank you.”
“For what baby?”
“You’ve changed things so much for me Brandy, you’ve made my life better in just such a short time. You’re my catalyst.”
“Catalyst is good right?”
“In this case yes. It is very good.”
She kisses me when she comes over. “Good. Now we need to pick out some boots and coats.”
“Why?”
“We need to get going and stop in at the police station and go over things and give your statement about the assault and the break in and then see if we can go and get some of your things and find some clothes for you and the stuff you’ll need as Madison. I love you honey but you need your own things.”
Most of what she said scares the heck out of me. I feel the tears well up from the memories and I’d be freaking out but. My lipstick seems to keep me from biting my lip, my hands are shaking though and I want to…I’m waving my hands a bit and trying not to count on my fingers or do worse or strange.
Brandy takes my face in her hands and kisses me deeply and long and slow and stares right into my eyes. “Maddie, look at me baby, look at me. You’re not alone, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I love you…I love you…We can do this.” There’s some more kissing and then she’s leading me outside to face down those horrible things my fingers intertwined with hers.
Encrypted-3
Chapter 3
Brandy leads my out of her place dressed and to her car. I’m clutching her hand until we get there and she smiles and blushes a bit and opens the car door for me. I get in and try to sit and slide into the seat even though I’m not wearing a skirt, it just seems right to try and do it like that. It’s not really that skirt locking my legs together thing but something like it.
Brandy needs, really, really, really needs to clean her car. It’s freaking me out a bit. Not bad but grit, and dust and just not keeping things so orderly it’s one of those things that tweak my OCD’s.
She gets in and turns over the car with it protesting being awakened by her turning the key. I’m an engineer amongst other things and this poor car is on its last legs. I’m distracted by the thoughts I have about the car and Brandy and her dancing for money and the life she’s had to go through and the house she has fought so hard to have. She’s playing some classical music on the radio giving my fingers something to dance to.
Before long it’s like we’re just there, pulling into the Toronto Metro P.D.’s parking garage and I’m scared all over again. “Brandy, I’m not s..sure I can do this.”
“Yes you can. I know it’s hard Maddie but we have to do this you need to talk to the police and you need to get your things back before the landlord takes the things the you’ve gotten accustomed too and tosses the out.”
“He can do that?”
“If I know the type he’ll try and do it as soon as the police tape is down after him and god knows who has gone through your things.”
The thought of strangers not even to mention this evil little balding troll of a man going through my things like that actually made me cringe. Just picturing it was like feeling their hands all over me in a way.
But Brandy takes my hand and laces her fingers in with mine and takes me inside to the service desk and up to the officer there behind the counter. The older guy looks at us and then each of us for a moment. “Vice is on the third floor.”
Brandy looks at him. “We’re not here for that. We’re here for an assault case plus a robbery.”
He frowns. “Sorry, easy mistake “Ladies” robbery/homicide’s on the forth floor. Can I get the victims name?”
“Uh…Mmm…Mathew…M..Mathew Grant.” I’m studying because I’m really nervous and the way he’s staring at me. What did I do wrong for him to look at me like that? I don’t understand why people keep giving me that look.
He gives me one more look before calling on the desk phone. “Hey, ya its Sergeant Billox you guys got an assault and robbery up there going on by the name of Grant? Yaddo huh, well I got ‘em down here wanting to make a statement or something. Send the up? Ya sur, no problem.” He hangs up and points to an elevator. “You “ladies” can take the elevator to the fourth floor and they’ll deal with you there.
He’s hostile, he doesn’t like me, most people don’t and he’s acting strange. I don’t understand why he’s being like that to me and to Brandy too. He doesn’t like us. He doesn’t think we count as real girls. But I’m not a man? If I’m not a man then shouldn’t I be a woman? It doesn’t make sense why someone should be angry at someone for just being the thing that they really are?
Brandy leads me too the elevator muttering “Asshole.” and I’m staring at the ground getting more and more nervous and I try not to but I’m counting, counting on each hand with the tips of my fingers touching my thumbs.
The elevators doors close and I say. “Bing!”
Brandy looks at me and up to the second floor and I go “Bing!” when the two lights up.
The elevator stops at the third floor and I go “Bing!” I can’t help it it’s something I just do with elevators, I always have done it. I don’t know why, my doctor doesn’t know why and it’s some kind of OCD. I hate it and it’s embarrassing. I hate it because I’m weird enough as it is. The doors open and again I say “Bing!” the doors close after two people get on and…Brandy and I…we both say “Bing!” I look at her and she takes my hand and she gives me that great big beautiful smile of hers that just seems to say. ~I’m here, it’s okay, I love you. ~ I can’t help but to smile at her doing that.
Fourth floor and we both go “Bing!” and we burst out giggling letting off some of the pressure. It’s kind of funny or fun when I do it with someone else. The doors open and a bit louder we both go “Bing!” and step out holding hands and head down to the section of the place labeled robbery and homicide.
Stepping into the department it’s scary. I live shuffled away, I work in small departments at school well not small but my labs are small; Myself or at most four or five people but I usually work alone, I talk to the doctors I need to and a few others for the grants but I’m a hermit. Like the crab I had a shell that was my basement apartment. I’d crawl into it and shut out the world. But this is scary, really scary there’s too much talking and too many people. There’s even a few handcuffed. I’m going into a room full of people I don’t know and some of them are dangerous…maybe? I’m more scared of the chaos that I see inside there. I balk and stop and bite my lip. Flex my fingers on my free hand trying not to count.
Brandy pulls me into the room carefully backing her way in and softly saying. “You can do this, You can do this.” I go inside but my nerves are going at maximum signal gain. I hate this, I hate it here.
Once there we’re met by this man, fellow about our age but he’s asian. He’s well developed and has a handsome face and look I think. His bone structure and features are very pleasingly symmetrical. Is that good looking? Brandy smiles at him. He smiles back and then hugs her. “Hey Brandy what’s up?”
I look at him oddly. “Are you a detective? If you are then it should be apparent why we are here? We’re not dead so we must have been robbed?” I look at Brandy honestly confused. “Is he qualified?”
She laughs and I’m not exactly sure why it’s funny, I mean why else would I even be here? She kisses me lightly. “Yes Maddie Tayo is qualified but I know him from one of the clubs I used to dance in. He was working vice back then.”
“Oh so his question wasn’t a question but one of those slang greetings?”
“Yes it’s a slang thing honey, sort of but it’s really kind of common. I didn’t think that you wouldn’t have gotten it.”
“Oh I’ve heard it before but it’s just here and why we’re here that I got the context mixed up.” I look at her then at him then the floor a bit.
“Sorry, I’m very nervous and when I get like that I tend to miss things even normal things and then I just look stranger than I am and everyone thinks I’m strange enough as it is but when they stare at me like that I go home because home is safe but home’s not safe anymore because they hurt me and they broke into my home and the know where I live and I’m out in public dressed like the person that I’m supposed to be for the first time in my life and that’s adding to my social awkwardness and…”
He takes me by the arm and I can’t stop the flinch when he touches me and everything’s sped up on me and going too fast and it’s getting really hard to breathe and …and…and…my chest is hurting. …
Brandy gets me over to this chair and tells me to put my head between my knees and to breath into this paper bag…”But I don’t know where this had been…” I whine and wheeze but do as she asks.
The detective is kneeling beside me saying. “You’re okay miss, you’re safe here. No one’s going to hurt you here.” He looks up at Brandy. “Does she have panic attacks often?” I shake my head no. Brandy’s rubbing my back saying. “No I don’t think so. Look Tayo, Madison isn’t really good with places like this, so can we get through this; please?”
He nods and gives both of us a smile and he leads us over to a desk where he starts to ask me about the assault and the night that it happened and about getting slipped something and the whole thing. He calls a couple of people asking for several guys by name to look in the alley for a plastic…Brandy tells him it was a black garbage bag. He argued a bit with them telling them that it could well still be there and that it’s evidence that wasn’t followed up with by the detectives that were at my apartment, he says he’ll meet them down there as soon as he’s done with my interview.
He takes my wallet out of a drawer in a evidence bag. And gives it to me. I take it out of the bag and take tissues and hand sanitizer off his desk and start to take everything out of it and to scrub “them” off of it. He says. “They took your credit cards but I found the rest scattered down a storm drain.” I nod as I scrub just too upset and to mono-focused on the task until it’s done. My Id and drivers license is there plus my debit cards and they are bent like they tried to break them by hand.
He’s very good after all I think. He’s not surprised by the fact that it happened on campus or that I was targeted. “Madison, you’re in a technical field, well three actually and it’ll make people jealous and talk. I imagine some of that is the draw was the fact that they knew that you had some expensive equipment.”
I look at him feeling a bit better. “This was just them being greedy?”
He gives me an honest look. I think it’s what it’s supposed to be. “Yes and no, it’s not exactly a secret that you’re different from the statements that I’ve been reading. I know it’s not remotely right but people get all sorts of negative stuff going on when it comes to people or things they don’t understand.”
I nod. “Yes, I’m not good with people or a lot of things, It just confuses me. There’s too much context with people and it’s not accurate enough for me. But you’re saying that this was part of it?”
He nods. “Yes, I think honestly someone who you may work with or close to in one of the three departments is angry that you shouldn’t be as successful as you are when you’re the way that you are?”
I’m confused. “I…I…It’s why I’m good at these things, I don’t understand…” I lean in the chair against Brandy. “I don’t hurt anyone? I…I don’t, why?” I don’t cry but I’m upset again enough to be shaking. I mean it too, It’s not supposed to be like this. School is supposed to be safer, people aren’t supposed to be like the people back home. I almost feel sick, I know I’m rocking a little and there’s still too many people here, still too many people staring at me. She runs the tips of her fingers through my hair. It’s soothing me enough to get me to close my eyes.
“Is that enough from her or do you need something else Tayoshi?” I hear her ask him.
“No, I’m good just the alley to check out and then a few other things. You go ahead and take her home.”
“Actually we’re going to go over to her place is that alright?”
“Yeah the place has been gone over already, it should be alright to go and see what you two can salvage out of that mess.”
I open my eyes. “My computer’s both of them are custom built, if that helps.”
He looks at me. “That’ll definitely help, if I can get a list of the parts we can check the places most people’d dump them for quick cash. These guys won’t be smart enough to sell them off piece by piece.”
He passes me a notepad and I write down the specific for both my desktops and my two laptops and pass it back. “Thank you detective, could I get a letter to submit to my insurance company or you could send them an e-mail?”
“Do you know the name of your insurant agent?”
“Yes and their e-mail too.” I give him both and he smiles and scans a list from my file of things gone from my apartment and he sends that and the e-mail message to the insurance company. See not dealing with them directly like this I’m okay, I know that this coming from the police department itself will be seen differently. I smile a bit shyly. “Now save it in two places and print me a copy….please?” He smiles and gives me a copy of his list and e-mail and signs and dates it. “Thank you.”
Brandy and I leave and I’m back to my thing in the elevator, not as self conscious about it with her doing the “Bing!” too but about the second floor she glides in front of me and kisses me her tongue slipping into my mouth and her fingers into my back pockets to squeeze my bottom and rub my panties through my jeans. I get lost in the sensations and the world narrowing itself to just her and myself for awhile. We get to the parking garage and she backs us up walking backwards to her Chevette still kissing me. She breaks the kiss as her butt hit’s the hood of her car. “Hey, you stopped.”
I look at her confused. “Stopped?”
“Mmm, no binging.”
“Oh, I’m sorry it’s just this OCD thing I have…”
She kisses me again as she unlocks her car door. There’s this texture, I’m noticing of her lipstick on mine. It sends a jolt of something through me, something good. “I know.” she murmurs through the kiss.
“You did?” I murmur back.
“I guessed.” another kiss from her.
“Oh…” I return the kiss and lick my lips.
“Oh.” She kisses me again as she opens the door for me. It’s confusing because of what I know the gender roles are but I don’t know exactly how we’d do it. It’s still nice and gallant of her so, I smile and just enjoy it.
She slips into the car and I play the radio a little on the loud side as I feel better sealed inside the car and we’re away from the place. I don’t drive, not here in the city. I have a license but I’m from a small town out in the country, I’m used to the simple back country roads. The city scares me in a lot of ways. It’s good that Brandy can drive because I haven’t since coming to the city to start school. The though comes to me quickly. “Brandy? I have a car in a parking garage. I haven’t used it since coming to the city.”
“Okay, but what about Pretty here.”
“Pretty?”
“My car.”
“It has a name?”
“Yeah lots of people name their cars.”
“Yes, I know but this car isn’t pretty.”
Brandy looks at me with this open mouthed shocked look and pets the dusty dirty dash going. “There, there baby, Maddie didn’t mean it she just never seen you in you’re prime.”
It’s strange seeing her doing that but I think that I understand. I value my things and people personalize them. “I didn’t mean to insult her, just we could give her a rest then maybe fix her up?” Brandy looks at me. “What kind of car is it?”
“An 1986 Cutlass Supreme station wagon with faux wood paneling. It was my fathers car.”
“Maybe later honey it’s pretty old. It can’t be in much better shape than Pretty here.”
“I’ve had it in a garage covered since I’ve been here. It hasn’t had much exposure. But it does have 114,556 km on it.”
“You remember what was on the odometer?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, we’ll take a look at in in the next couple of days and see what’d be best for us.”
“Yes, that is a sound idea.”
I ask Brandy to pull into a small strip mall that has a branch of my bank that I use there and Brandy says that we need cleaning supplies. I agree and get out to go with her and head to the bank. “I need to get these things fixed and need some money, I’ll meet you in the store?”
“Sure…are you sure that you don’t want me to go with you?”
I look at the bank, it’s not that busy, it‘s why I go here. I shake my head no. “They know me here. I should be okay.” She nods and heads into the Dollarama store. I go into the bank and wait in line. I get a few looks and get a strange look from the teller as I say. “Hello, I need a new banking card please, mine was damaged when I was mugged.”
The woman looks at me. “The card says Mathew miss you do not look like a Mathew.”
“I know, there was a mistake when I was born. I should have been born a girl.”
She stares at me almost glaring and she says rather acidly. “I’ll be right back Sir.” and clicks off to where the offices are and comes back with a older man in a suit a younger man with a suit I recognize as my account manager and a security guard. She gives me this hostile look but says that I should recount my “Story” and turns to the bank manager and says something like. “I don’t believe “him” “he” might have stolen the card and wallet we should make him prove “he’s” a match to “his” photo ID.” The old man is staring at me frowning. But my account manager goes over and smiles.
“Hey Mathew, you look good.”
“Thank you David, but I’m going to be using Madison soon.”
“Madison, I like it, it suits you. Here can I have your card?”
“Certainly.” I hand it over and the teller stalks over with the older man. “Mr. Parker what are you doing?”
“I’m waiting on one of our clients, more-over Bethany I’m waiting on one of my clients.”
“You know this guy?”
“I know HER very well I’ve been managing HER accounts for years.”
“THAT’S not a woman, only a woman is a woman, not some fake…” The old man coughs. “Bethany that’s enough.” She looks like she’s going to have some kind of attack getting really red in the face. David stares at her then says. “I know Her, and the bank doesn’t need bad press from the LGBT community over us treating a member of the community badly.” She glares at him. “I’m a lesbian Dave, and that thing doesn’t deserve, won’t ever deserve to call itself a woman, it’s insulting and disgusting!”
I can’t help but ask. “Excuse me miss?”
“It’s mizz, what?”
“What did I do for you to be angry?”
“You’re lying that’s what, you’re not a real woman and you shouldn’t pretend to be one. Can’t you just be gay, do you have to try and screw with women just because of that?”
“Yes.”
“Yes? What do you mean yes.”
“Yes, I can be gay. I’m not a man and if I’m not a man I must be a woman and since I’m in a relationship with a woman then I have to be gay but the term I think is lesbian though.”
“No! You’re not a lesbian! you’re not, only real women can be lesbians!” She might have gotten violent, well she did when the security guard put a hand on her shoulder and she slapped him. “Don’t touch me! I’ll have you charged!” Then the old man says. “Mizz Turner please come into my office.” She’s angry but leaves with him glaring at me two or three times between looking at the floor.
I feel badly, but I don’t. I know that this upsets some people but it doesn’t change the fact that I am not a man, not really. I really never have been. I’m not sure that I understand why she was so angry about something that doesn’t really concern her. I’m a lesbian, I’m in love with another girl. I’m not asking her out so why is she so angry?
David coughs. And hands me a new bank card and I put in the new pin number. “I’m sorry you had to go through that Madison, I guess some people are just bigoted even if they’re in a minority themselves.”
“It’s alright David and I really appreciate the help. I know I’m going to get more of this once I get back to work at the university.”
“I hope you can get through this stuff, you’ve always been a nice person.”
David helps me get some money transferred from some accounts and I take out three thousand in cash and head over to the store where Brandy is walking around with a cart of things. I step up and kiss her, I put my forehead to hers. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I just had trouble with a teller. She was angry that I’m just trying to be me.”
“What’d she do?”
“Nothing important. She just got very angry over my transgenderism threatening her status as a lesbian? She really didn’t like me admitting to be in a lesbian relationship too.”
“Oh, yeah one of those ones…I’m sorry baby (she kisses me) but there’s some people out there that refuse to see people like me and you for who we really are. Are you okay though?”
“Yes, It was my bank. The man who has been my account handler was there. Things are better. But she was very angry, offended even.”
Brandy sighs and holds onto me one arm around my waist. “I know hon, I know how about we just get out of here and over to get what we can salvage from your apartment.” She seems a little tired or worn out even.
“Brandy? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine Maddie, it’s just I’m getting tired of dealing with this kind of stuff. The bullshit just gets to me a little.”
I’m not sure if it’s what I should do, I’m so new at this but I kiss her gently and hug lead her to the cashier. I start putting things on the counter, plastic…I have to wipe off my hands every few times I touch the things in a plastic bag or container. Pretty much everything really is plastic packaged. I ask Brandy if she can get me a few pairs of the cheap fake leather gloves they have here. I pay for them and put the first pair on. My thing with plastic is something I’ll always fight with. Hard plastic isn’t as bad a problem though.
We get the things into the car and we drive to my place and have to buzz the superintendent of my building. He’s not happy to see me, us and he’s not really helpful either. He complains about me “Bringing trouble to the building.” He calls us “Tranny fags” and otherwise is snarky and rude and unpleasant. He’s never been a nice person to me. He’s called me fag and freak and other names when he thought he was out of earshot. He took every repair request personally like I’d broke whatever was damaged. We’re just getting started putting things into garbage bags…ick…when passes me a letter saying due to damages to the building and recent financial concerns my rent is going up by two hundred dollars a month plus utilities were no longer included. I stare at him and there’s a smug smile on his face. He couldn’t evict me but this will give him an excuse to when I can’t pay. I know that the building is owned by a church so likely he told them about Brandy and myself. I show her and tell her. “I won’t be able to pay this. I could for awhile but it would clean me out after awhile with the utilities and the rent increase.”
“Fuck them Madison, let them choke on it, move in with me.”
“Are you sure? You barely know me?”
“I know you Madison, It might not be years and years but I know that we love each other right?”
I nod.
“So move in with me, I own the house as small as it is and we can save up money and get your loans paid and everything.”
“Okay.” I smile and kiss her.
It still takes us hours and hours to bag up things I’ve owned and were smashed or soiled or I’m just not going to use anymore. It’s hard work too heading up to the dumpster every few bags. I’m skinny and not really that strong and there’s a lot of trips. The ruined furniture was the worst to move taking a lot out of the both of us. Then it’s sweeping and vacuuming and cleaning up the place.
I get the super and tell him that I’ll be moving out. He say’s my insurance isn’t going to cover the damages and that my damage deposit will be used to fix it all. I don’t care at this point. We just leave getting into Pretty and head home. My entire life in my apartment reduced to three garbage bags of clothes that she liked that could be unisex or worth keeping, a box of dishes, two boxes of groceries that were in the cupboards and some blankets and pillows. My tool box under the sink was still there that’s it…ten years of my life just trashed and down to this.
I’m sipping a coffee thinking about this while Brandy is making our supper. I hurt from the day, so is she and we’re both just wiped out. I really am fighting the need to lay down. I think the emotional stuff has far been harder than the work. I’m looking out the kitchen window as it’s starting to just get to the afternoon setting sun. I’m thinking and trying to feel if this was worth it. The clothes, the changes, meeting Brandy to what my life was, what it had been.
Zeros and ones, zeroes and ones…With Brandy, or life as it was without her…zeros and ones…There’s no question really. I look up at her and smile and she leans down and kisses me softly. I kiss her back one question out of so many in my life no longer a question.
Encrypted-4
Chapter 4
I watch Brandy doing the dishes and I get up to help her. There’s a lot of my things here now too and she opens up every cupboard and we sort things. It doesn’t sound important but this is hugely soothing to me. This wasn’t my home, this was her home but my home had been violated and things had come to pass that as so very new to us knowing one and other we are now living together.
She’s letting me decide where things can go where they’re right. Not like and absolute but spacially right to me. The best way to describe it is that to me a certain thing has to be in a certain place or it will feel off to me. And it’s only certain things, not everything and I don’t understand why that is, nobody really does why some of us get that way about certain things and not others.
I know that this isn’t normal, that it’s hugely inconvenient for her or it should be and yet she’s doing it and while we’re doing it she’s playing some classical music on her stereo and we’re being close, holding each other and leaning on each other and she doesn’t even mind when I sometimes stutter just a little over things or count on my fingers while we’re trying to make a decision.
Acceptance, she’s not like anyone I’ve ever known and besides the actual fact that until I had met her that I haven’t met anyone like her was a literal fact, I’m actually meaning it figuratively, emotionally two things that seldom have entered into the equations of my life on a positive level.
And it might sound like things are selfishly going the way that I need them to be there’s a lot of the things that we salvaged that are going to go to Goodwill or into storage. I’m keeping those things that are really only truly important to me. Mostly things that survived from my childhood, which survived the stuff that the ones who assaulted me had done. See Brandy being in my life has become the most important thing to me. It’s just a matter of me solving the problem of the little things that I can do or change or make equal to other factors that have the end result…Brandy being in my life and her being as happy as I can make her.
Strange…I wonder what my father would say about me finally understanding that part about when you really love someone you do whatever you have to do to make them happy. I wonder what he’d say if he knew it took me being a woman to man up to that?
I wrap my arms around her waist and hug her and hold her to me and just breathe for a few moments. I move her hair and I kiss the back of her neck three little kisses. I’m not sure why three but the kissing is something she’s made me want to do for her. I enjoy it too but…I say softly to her.
“Thank you. This is a thing that is really personal for me. I…I..I’m not sure even if I can say just how this makes me feel? Safe, secure, balanced seem close but it’s still not quite right.”
She leans back into me and turns her head to kiss my cheek. “How does loved work beautiful?”
“Yes…Loved works. Thank you…y..you make me feel loved.” I’m very pleased, it feels good to be able to express myself to share these feeling with Brandy and as much as she gets everything else she gets this too. It also feels really good to be called beautiful.
She turns around in my arms and kisses my lightly. “That’s because you are loved Madison.”
It’s after supper and we are done the things from the kitchen and the radio is playing something she finds soothing and rhythmic. She dances and hums in front of me for awhile as entrancing as anything that I’ve ever seen. Her arms slide up to my neck and wrap around them resting on my shoulders. Then she kisses me. I love the way that her kissing me makes me feel. Brandy is able to somehow transmit this feeling that just seems to make everything better. She grounds me into the moment and all those little thoughts and variables in my head slow down. It’s so soothing, so calming so good. I hope that I can or do somehow invoke something as treasured in her.
She presses her breasts against mine and even though mine are not flesh like hers the pressure, the physical feeling does so much too. She moves, swaying and sliding back and for like she’s some free thing that’s some how this biological avatar of dance co-existing with the music…dance is something that I’ve always loved, there’s math in dance, physics and yet to put that gracefully into the mechanics of movement and music. There’s as much magic to it to me as there is science.
And yes, like some of you might know like me science can be beautiful…soulful. The “Geeks and nerds” of the world are really just artists.
She dances us through the kitchen and through the living room/common space and into the bedroom. We dance there a little longer before she guides me down to the bed, our bed.
She dances more at the edge of our bed taking her time to undress in front of me but dancing as she does it. A piece of her clothing, a piece of mine and soon we’re down to our underwear and she slowly removes her bra and I remove mine, I do not have what she has yet but I will. She lowers herself to me kissing and I kiss her back. She guides me to one of her dark nipples and I suckle on it then the other entranced by the changes. The way they crinkle then expand as the nerves waken the swell of them ever so slight as the blood flow increases in them. The way her scent so faintly but increasingly changes with her arousal. And the breathy, musical sound of her encouragements.
We are like that for awhile as I fall into it. The reactions, the data if you will of all these little things that make up me suckling on her lush, heavy full breasts. I’m trying to make it sound not so clinical and it’s not, it’s getting less and less about the mechanics of the intimacy and becoming more like the dance, more like music this soulful? Interactive experience. I love the textural experience too, the mouth feel, the taste of her skin, the way her hair feels as in cascades off of her face onto my skin. It’s becoming less new and more familiar and I treasure the familiar.
Brandy lowers her head and she starts to return the affection in the same way. I know that it’s not the same but it is pleasant and soothing and it does feel good. I…I…I did something that first morning…that thing with my hand and there are nerves there that aren’t as active as her’s are and as she’s sucking on my nipples slowly and artfully it’s helping me focus on the thing I’m trying to do.
Zeros and one’s, zero’s and ones, nerves are wires, on or off I can do this I’ve done it before and slowly, increasingly though I move some of my current and boost the signal gain on my nipples…Oh…oh it’s working, the new rush of sensations sends my brain into this whole new way of feeling. My hands run through her hair and I feel…
It feels like endorphins are actually being generated right there in my nipples and my breasts and that they are being carried from there to my heart and the quickly into my brain. It’s a kind of a physical high that is so amazing….I get aroused so much it hurts and by the time Brandy is paying attention/working her arts on my other nipple and breast I shake and explode into my panties.
I’m panting and my heart is racing and I express a little more semen as her breast slide over mine and our nipples touch as she slides down my body.
Brandy is an expert at what she is doing and she cleans my semen off of me and removes my panties and takes me into her hot wet mouth and those soft full Africanized lips. But as amazing the sexual sensations are I still and always am more into the sensation of her pressure around me in this loving intimate safe way and more than that. Her eyes, she does not often look at the task in her hand instead she looks up my body at me and she keeps eye contact with me. She has these eyes that are so big and so brown that I cannot wonder if she human at all. I’ve known humans all mu life and there has never been anyone as beautiful to me.
Her finger slips in with the assistance of some lubricant to allow her to touch the nerves inside of me and my prostate and to ready me for herself. I play with my chest, my nipples as she does and she smiles around my sex and it’s not before long that the culmative effects trip my breaker as it were and I find release.
Brandy slides up my body once more and again her breasts touch mine and out nipples are touching and sort of slip and slide and dance around each other much like the way that one would describe tongues in a French kiss…the feeling is so powerful and soft and sweet. That’s another quality of this experience, of my realizing that I am a woman that my needs and my senses are softer than a mans would be, the intense brutality and sheer feral nature I think of male sexuality would have been too much a brutal assault on my life and I would have likely shut down if I had the typical male experiences. This, this is the way that I am hardwired to work. I feel more alive and human than I ever have.
Brandy kisses me with my flavors still on her and it is simply different but also erotic I think. I’m not sure about that though. But the kisses are so much more important to me. She does the most amazing thing too.
She kisses me then she slowly rubs her nose against mine, them her plump perfect lips over mine across them back and forth until the slight friction increases the sensation of the lips to lip contact. I feel her enter me her sex hard and yet warm and covered if that supple flesh feeling and it hurts a little, this is no longer my first encounter and when I feel her bottom out inside of me she continues the amazing experience with our faces.
When someone is like me some senses have this strange quality to them, we see, taste, feel and experience things so differently it’s never just one thing either, or one solid group of things it’s huge amounts of all these tiny things that effect us in ways that can be like pleasurable or painful or scary or uncomfortable, the world can be an assault on our senses which is why we become creatures of peculiarity and habit. Familiarity is good, it’s better than good it brings things into this solid place in our universes.
My therapist says the best way to describe it is having a kind of Bi-polar-schizophrenic-obsessive-compulsive-disorder. A good example is plastics, I can deal with them but I hate them, I know like glass plastic is still moving and flowing on a molecular level for most kinds, it feels solid to most people but I feel it, I can feel it being slippery and slimy and plastic bags are the worst. Clear plastic is worse that colored and it’s limiting sometimes. Strangely it’s just the plastic and not the contents inside of it…
I’m losing the point.
Brandy just stays inside of me at first, breasts dancing with mine but she’s staring me in my eyes often and she explores my face with her own and allows me to explore hers… “Maddie just feel it, run you lips over me, over my face, kiss me like that, feel me out…Yes, that’s it good girl…I love this, I love you…” she says to me. I know what Brandies eyelids and lashes feel like to my lips, I’ve nuzzled and made what could only be called the best deepest kisses I’ve ever had by kissing her with different parts of our faces…I ran my eyebrow down sliding with the grain/ flow of hers, I’ve kissed her with just cheek bones…it’s as powerful and as personal as when she made room for me in her life in the kitchen and let my literally change things so we…I…was okay.
Ten minutes we did this maybe more and then she started to move inside of me and we began to make love and have sex again. She brought me to orgasm twice more, once just mostly from her breasts sliding over mine and the intense feeling from our nipples together and the last was from direct anal stimulation.
Her suckling on my breast again had gotten me aroused enough to return the favor and to enter Brandy and from then on it was so much about her depths and that secure and loving way her body seemed to wrap itself around me and the whole thing only gets better for me when she wraps her arms around my neck and shoulders and her legs around my waist. Again there’ such security in being inside her, in being enveloped by her…It takes longer and more effort for me to bring her to the physical places she’s taken me. But there’s this emotional component she seems to draw into herself that seems to more than make up for it. And that’s the truth of it isn’t it. That sex as in the act not biology is in the brain so much more than anything of the body…all the wonder this evening really happened for me in my brain the way I felt and experienced things.
We spoon? We cuddle together afterwards and brandy sets her clock. “I have to work tonight and I want time to be ready but I’m more than ready to just curl up here with you until I have to go.”
“Okay, where do you work?”
“The Violet Rose.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“It’s a bar, I dance there.” I feel her tense up, shiver even. Her voice was even a bit strained.
“Could I come and watch you work? I don’t know how I’ll do here alone.” I hug her, I hope that’s good. She presses into me.
“I’ll have to ask Mark he runs the place, but it shouldn’t be a problem…I’m…I’m sorry Maddie.” Her voice is quieter still.
“I do not understand, I…I’m missing why you are sorry?” I kiss the back of her neck and her shoulder. “I’m not good with context Brandy, please tell me?”
She turns just enough so she can twist and move her head to look at me partways, she’s very limber. “Maddie…I’m a stripper.” I just can only stare at her still not getting why she’s upset. She furrows her brows which does a fascinating little wrinkly thing between her brows and sort of changes the carriage of her nose. I think it’s pleasing enough to be called cute. “Stripper, you know and exotic dancer?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“And I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For being a stripper!” she sounds frustrated, but she sounds happy frustrated like kind of mad but on the edge of laughing? I’m very confused by that sort of result of us talking, it could be a good thing or a bad thing I’m very unsure. Is she mad at me/ did I do a good thing? See this is why I’ve always been alone. I get into something like this and I’d leave having learned better, just duck my head and leave and get clear until I’m in a place that makes sense to me.
“Brandy…” I sort of whine. “I don’t get it, I’m sorry…I’m trying…” I can’t help the few tears that slip out and run down my cheeks. She turns all the way around to face me. Her hand comes up to wipe the tears away.
“You really don’t do you? You don’t care that I’m a stripper do you.?”
I sniffle and look at her. “You are an amazing dancer, you’re beautiful Brandy and if other people are willing to go and see how beautiful you are then it just makes sense. I love watching you dance.”
“Most people think that stripping is a bad thing.”
“Why?”
“They think because we dance and take our clothes off for money that we are prostitutes too.”
“Oh.”
She lowers her head. “I have y’know.”
“Have what?”
“Had sex with men for money?”
“Why?”
“Because the money is easy, or you can fool yourself into thinking that it’s easy. I needed the money for my operations and my medications.”
“You couldn’t find other work/”
“Not that paid like this did. I’m a transgendered, black, high-school drop out with a criminal record. There wasn’t a lot of places that would hire me for anything unless it was some minimum wage job that wouldn’t even pay my regular bills.”
“So you fit the social model for the most part for the largest reason for the sex trade.”
“Yeah…I guess? You’re taking this differently than I thought…I thought that you’d be angry or hate me for being a whore.”
I might not get everything but I do get some things and some things are in my scope pretty deeply as far as my feelings go. I kiss her passionately or try to I’m still working on my proficiency. I pull her into me closer.
“Brandy I love you and what you do for a living has never been a part of that. But…and I mean this you are not a whore, you have never been a whore. You might have had to be a prostitute but that was based on need just like women have had to do for much of history. You’re not a whore, a scientist or chemist or a doctor that develops something that can change millions of live and help the world but sells out to the big corporations they, they are whores. Trust me I know a lot more about whores than most people think. You my amazing, beautiful love aren’t a whore and you’ve never been one.”
I don’t talk like that. I never have talked like that. I mean what I’ve said and I’ve got years of rants in my head about the corruption you see in the upper level research programs and with corporate involvement and the politicians getting involved too. Universities can be dirty places sometimes.
But I’ve never voiced anything like that before. I’ve never felt this good, right, strong about things before. When I’d be a mess about this stuff if it was about me it’s different for her. It’s simpler, it matters more.
She stares at me and she cries and presses into me and holds onto me like I’m her personal floatation device and she shakes and sobs and I’m worried right up until she’s whispering. “Thank you, thank you Maddie, thank you….no one’s ever….I’ve never had anyone stand up for me like that like you, I’ve really had no one since my Grams…”
“You’re welcome…I’ve...I’ve never felt this way before now about anyone Brandy, about anything like I have you.” I hold her then kiss her some more and snuggle in closer pressing her breasts to mine. “You should sleep; you’ll have to get up soon.”
***
We wake with the alarm and we share the bathroom getting cleaned up and ready for her dance shift at the Violet Rose. I enjoy all of it except the necessary post sex clean up and that’s just normal I guess now for us.
I love the feelings of getting dressed. The feeling of my bra and the snug tightness of my panties and even the textures of the fabrics used all are this soothing balm to me. Even make up, I love the feeling of it covering my face but not just being something securing me to who I really am it really visually shows me the woman I was always meant to be.
I wear a nice blouse, and a dark skirt just above my knees and simple matching one inch heels. I’m still borrowing clothes and brandy and I are going to do some shopping soon. She says that it might be a very new and good experience for me. Perfume completes the effect and I feel so…grounded…normal or as normal I think as I’ve ever felt. I can’t leave the house without putting the sheets into the washer and putting new sheets on the bed. I just have too. We need new sheets, a lot of them and other things. I changed my bed sheets every time I went to bed. Not if I got up to use the bathroom or something but every night I slept in clean sheets. I just have too. I hope she can get through all my quirks.
Then my anxieties go through the roof again as I’m back out in “Pretty” with her and I get in the car and it’s just too…I run back inside for some of the cleaning supplies in a cloth grocery bag and run back out to the car. It’s strange for me to run anywhere but that run click little step shuffle I have to do in these shoes is strangely good, fun? Oh and I have no problem doing that, or walking in them. It just feels right.
Brandy looks at me amused. “What…was that all about?”
“I have to clean your car.”
“It’s not that bad.”
I just look at her. She stares back at me until she smiles and she laughs a little. “Okay, okay it’s been awhile.”
“Yes, there are things in here I could take to the archeology department, they’d be fascinated at the petrified half a quarter pounder with cheese.”
“Hey!”
She’s smiling and I’m smiling and I’m good until we hit heavy downtown nighttime traffic. I’m not good outside at night. Not in the city. It scares me and there’s too much going on, too many bright lights and neon signs and just too much input for me to handle.
I close my eyes and rock a bit while counting on my fingers.
“Are you okay honey?”
I shake my head no.
“You want to go home?”
I shake my head no.
“Are you sure?”
I take a deep breath then another. Open my eyes lick my lips a little and the lipstick helps, rub my nyloned legs together, that helps. My hands twitch but I stop counting and open my eyes. “I’m…I’m alright, it’s just a lot of…of…everything and I have to get more acclimated to it. I can do this. I’ll be alright…” I look over to her and give her a small smile. I actually impress myself by thinking about my clothes and how good I feel and how much I can feel my breast now. My nerves are still active since I flipped the switches and I can really get a bigger breast like sensation with the inserts and everything.
We get there and we are let in by this big Polynesian man with tribal tattoos and dressed in leathers he’s so big it’s scary and he’d make the sized of both me and Brandy and still have mass left over. She hugs him and introduces me to Kevin the bouncer for the club and introduces me as her girlfriend Madison. He gently shakes my hand and says it’s very nice to meet me and gives me a kiss on my cheek. I’m very pleased at the gentleness of it all and shocked that I didn’t have a negative response to the intimate contact.
It’s dark inside but there’s a lot of violet and purple neon along the dance floor and the tables and the bar itself. Brandy leads me over to the bar where there is a man, a thirty something in leather pants like a biker not one of those clubbing gay stereo types and a black very nice t-shirt that’s tight across his muscles and he has both arms covered in tattoos and some on his neck, I think there might be many more under the shirt. He’s mixing drinks and serving customers or providing drinks for the wait staff.
This turns out to be Mark the owner/operator of the place. He’s busy and the music is loud and the introductions are yelled. “Mark!, Mark! This is Maddie my girlfriend!”
“Nice to meet you!”
“Th..thank you!”
“She’s cute! Does she dance?” he asks Brandy.
“No! She’s my S.O.!”
“Oh! Didn’t know you had one!”
“She wants to know if she can stay and watch the show!”
“Sure but the drinks aren’t free!”
“Yeah, yeah I’ll settle the tab at the end of shift?”
“Y’huh what ever get your butt back there we’re short a girl tonight!”
“Shit! alright!” she comes over to me and kisses me long and deep and I’m sure as a show for the bar’s patrons and says in my ear. “Stay here by the bar and you shouldn’t have too much trouble. Mark won’t let anything happen to you.” She gives me another kiss and heads backstage.
Mark looks at me. “Drink?”
I nod. “Please!”
“What’ll it be?”
“I’ve only had beer and white wine before, but I got drugged recently so…!”
He winches I think in sympathy. “Can of pop?”
“Please! That’d be great!” I’m doing really good at this. I think having to yell is off setting some of the social awkwardness I usually feel. Mark comes back with a can of Coke which is fine. He even pops the tab for me and wipes down the can out of habit? It must be a bartender thing but for some reason I find it a pleasing gesture. “Glass?””
“No, this is safer!” I hope he’s not offended by that but he seems to not be and just nods and soon he’s serving other customers.
I settle in and cross my legs as I get comfortable on my barstool perch and just watch. I’m so out of my element here but I’m not anywhere near as bad as I’ve thought I would be.
The place seems clean or cleaner than I though a bar would be. This is my first bar experience. The wait staff are all attractive women and I think two of them are transgendered. Mark makes them dump their trays every once in a while taking clean ones out of a dishwasher and putting in the dirty ones. He has another one just for the glassware and when he gets a chance he wipes the bar down with an antibacterial wipe out of a large tub of them and has a box of these blue paper/cotton towels that he uses to wipe things down. It seems a bit OCD for some people but they seem to tip well and seem to appreciate it.
There’s a mixture of people here but most are men, most are here to watch the dancers on stage or get a lap dance and I see a lot of middle aged, middle classed men and some in suits even. There’s a small group of transvestites and some openly gay men and another bunch of people who I think might be lesbians but not the kind who were like the woman at my bank. These girls seem to not have a problem with the transgendered. But it is largely men here and there are many of them from what I can tell wearing wedding rings.
Most of the dancers are all transgendered or appear to be such, the she-male thing seems to be the draw here and there are a lot of Latin and Latin black girls here and a lot of orientals too, there’s three Caucasian girls dancing here tonight and there seems to be a bit of an oriental salaryman set of tables that are paying for them to dance for them a lot.
Brandy dances and she looks good up there and she moves with the music and the pole and she even starts out with a costume on and she looks beautiful. When she’s not on the stage she’s lap dancing which actually looks hard trying not really touch the patron while almost touching the patron. I see a few times that someone will set his hands on her body but she calmly seems to remove the hand and if he does it a third time she walks away whether her dance is done or not. It seems to upset these men but there are rules.
I see another girl leave after the third touch and get grabbed by a patron and one of what I thought was just one of the lesbian girls is suddenly there and snaps out a security baton and gets between him and the dancer and before his bluster gets going too strong Kevin from out front is there placing a hand that could palm this mans head like a basketball on his shoulder and suddenly his whole demeanor shifts to something that looks incredibly dangerous. He’s escorted out with very little fuss and things go back to normal.
I can’t help but to think though that if I was that dancer I’d be scared. And they seem to get touched and handled a lot and I’m sure that there must be some distasteful offers made and things said. I’m not sure though just where I sit on the entire thing, it seems hard and sort of degrading but I’ve seen the wait staff here and in regular places gets treated very much the same. Some people do not understand look with your eyes, not your hands.
I do see several times a dancer will leave out back with a customer. And the looks on both of their faces when they return and there seems that some of the girls here do sell themselves for sex.
I’m approached a few times by men and Mark seems to slip close to me then and frowns them off with that same sort of thing that Kevin seems to have where he goes from a seemingly normal if not rough looking person to someone who reeks of danger and potential pain. Only one guy wasn’t smart enough for the look and Mark reached out over the bar and put his hand on the guy’s chest.
“She’s taken!”
“Fuck off and mind your business bar monkey.”
He shoved Marks hand away and Mark’s hand shot out again and grabbed him by the hair and pulled him in hard and fast in front of his face and the bar.
“I said she’s taken; now you’re going to get out of my club and Never come back here or I’ll rip off your balls and keep them in my back pocket.”
He let the guy go and he staggered back into the wall of muscle that was Kevin. He left shortly after getting a Polaroid snapped of him by the girl with the security baton. I’m not sure what was said but he looked scared more than pissed off.
I’ve never been defended by people before either and Mark, Kevin, Nikki, and Brandy all ask me if I’m alright. No one’s really been that decent enough to stand up for me like that. As strange and scary and so different than anything in my life this is I’m not afraid here.
I even manage to relax and enjoy myself after awhile. I even have a can of Guinness after most of the crowd has gone. It’s about a five hour shift for Brandy. From ten at night until three in the morning when they have to close the bar. She get’s cleaned up and pays the tab and counts out her money having made just over four hundred dollars in dance cash and tips and her and I leave and we head for home.
We stop on the way for coffee and to get some groceries at one of the twenty four hour super store kind of places and I get her to stop at the closest place that there is a do it yourself car wash and it turns into this strange good morning?
The suns out and it’s going to be warm I think. There’s classical music playing out of her car radio, we’re eating breakfast and drinking coffee and even dancing as we’re washing “Pretty” out and cleaning out the junk and the dirt and the dust and I’m even buffing it with a thing of turtle wax that I bought out of the vending machine there. You wouldn’t think something like this and grocery shopping would be something that’d happen after spending the latest part of the night in a strip club but it is…
I’m even doing all of this in a skirt and heels.
And kissing Brandy in the sunshine the car looking well not like her car. And her arms around me I think this has got to be the best day, morning I’ve ever had in my life.
Encrypted-5
Chapter 5
I am so not used to this. Me, strange, never fitting in, not even in my own skin or even my own life here in the parking lot leaning into the embrace of Brandy in the early morning sunshine kissing with her and pressing into her breasts while her hands are circled around me caressing my back, fingering playfully with my bra strap making me hyper-aware of wearing it and how it feels and holds me in giving me this sense of rightness and security.
I love this and my emotions are in this swell like wave cresting to just feeling normal, like I’m a real human being instead of a Natural Born Alien. You know feeling almost knowing that you don’t really belong here but some how you’ve got a birth certificate.
I’ve never been able to really connect to people or myself but now, as her painted nails slide down my skirt and cup my bum and make me lean into her more and I lift a leg unconsciously to the point where my pump ends up dangling off my toes and just to make things perfect is the taste of hazelnut coffee on her and the hints of her perfume and the feeling of her lipstick on mine.
We both end up ruining the effect by yawning. Another few kisses and we get back into the car. I’m not as nervous riding as before, I’m not sure if it’s an increase in me getting used to “Pretty” or being tired and unused to being up this late. I have done late hours getting carried away with the things in the lab before.
I’m moving my hands, waving my fingers in time with the music and for me that’s a good thing, a relaxed thing. I’m even looking around more as we drive. I’m usually in the lab by now.
I’m even smiling and it doesn’t feel like it’s forced, or unnatural for me to do that.
We pull into her/our little house and we unpack the groceries. I’m very glad that they now use cloth bags. But some things I have to let her handle. Meat, meat’s wrapped in cellophane most now days. I hate even looking at it in that slimy shiny packaging. Bread we bought from the bakery section and we got the loaves they sell in the paper bags. Our vegetables and fruit are unbagged because they have those tear away plastic bags that I can’t stand touching. We did by things that she liked as well as my tastes. There’s a lot of things I have never tried before and I’m a little scared at the prospect of some of them just by the look of them.
Fish, I’m not sure I can eat fish. I’m from the prairies; I was never raised on fish except for canned tuna.
Actually with my mom gone most of my meals were canned or boxed or frozen. Even home in my apartment I rarely ate things that weren’t like that either. I never ate much of other things unless it was raw vegetables. I like crunch, baby carrots, celery, whole green beans. Never broccoli or cauliflower, I can’t eat those they’re pebbly, too bumpy like eating a toad from the plant kingdom. I like most leafy greens but I cannot eat tomatoes because they are slimy, they are round red okra to me.
Fruit is bad too. I can eat most apples except for the apple pear. I can taste sulfur in grapes, pears are too mealy and I can’t eat peaches or kiwi, fur should never be on your food, kiwis are fuzzy, if I wanted to eat a tribble then I’d go tribble hunting.
My strange ways surface when I help put things away. There were about seven jars in her refrigerator with either three pickles in there preserved in all that liquid like lonely aging experiments from a biology lab or there is just this skim of mayonnaise in there or whatever it says it’s supposed to be. I start to take them out and remove the contents and wash the jars and bottles. Brandy is looking at me as I do that.
“Maddie love why are you doing that?”
“My survival.”
“Huh?”
“These jars of pickles and things how old are they?”
“I’m not sure, why?”
“Why?...” I don’t understand how she doesn’t understand. “Brandy, the pickles aren’t safe, brining things doesn’t stop them completely from organic decay…”
“Oh, I just never bothered to chuck them. It’s not like this place is dirty or something.”
“No but this is where food is kept, non-hermetically sealed food.”
“Well I’m okay.”
“So far but this…please, I can’t, I can’t do this with these things here. The mayo’s are contaminated every time you open them and stir around in them and cross contaminate them with things from other things…” I can’t help but shudder and she laughs and comes over and kisses my cheek.
“Here let me help.” She croons as her arms slide around mine, hands with mine washing out the jars and holding me but leaning so tight as I can feel her breasts so nicely on my back.
And it’s just that, washing them clean so close that it’s nearly dancing and we share a few more and seemingly more powerful kisses.
Can kisses gain power? Can you get more and more kissed until they build into your system like mercury or lead…or love radiation? Is that what radiant love should be?
It might be a hallucination or just me but I can see this equation scribble in the air like a grease pen on glass of math trying to work out stuff like Hugs-R-Squared, E-equals-mass-squared-love and they’re there just for a second and making me smile before fading into my imagination.
“What are you thinking about that’s making you smile like that?”
“Math.” I kiss her and start rinsing and cleaning out the sink. She kisses me again.
“C’mon Maddie, I’m tired and you’ve been up all night too. Let’s get cleaned up and go to bed.” She yawns again which sets me off too.
We get everything put away and then go to the bathroom where Brandy starts to show me how to de-make up and use the cold cream and we take a shower together washing each other. It’s very erotic and yet more than that. There’s this slow personal component to this that feels so good, so soothing I’m nearly purring. It’s just being touched that’s doing this for me.
When I talked about being A Natural Born Alien there’s a lot of truth to that. When you’re different like me and not even being transgendered but just different. If you’re like me. When you can’t fit in or never could; you lose social interaction, and you have such a huge hole in you that’s from not having any personal interaction.
It’s a lonely hell not being able to just “Be” like everyone enough to fit in.
It’s a lonely hell seeing others so easily being with other people and knowing that won’t be you because you just don’t have the “Whatever” that everyone else has.
It’s a lonely hell when almost all you’ve every known is not having a personal relationship with anybody.
We all want those things. We all want to fit in, to not stick out like some oddball if you’re lucky and treated like a freak if you’re not.
We might be different than everyone else but we’re not that different. We all want/need love, to be touched and to be held and to have somebody love us just because they love us…quirks and foibles and strange little OCD things and all.
I can’t help but wonder if Brandy has any idea of just how much it means to have someone just be that “Good” with me just being me enough to just wash my back like it’s no big deal. It’s a huge deal to me. I turn around and I kiss her, I try to make it long and slow and good. I mean I’m trying to make it like one of those special kisses. It’s a skill I’m unsure of and have to break it down into parts. I know that sounds unromantic and odd but I’m trying very hard to make it a good romantic kiss so that must count for something right?
I start by leaning in and just touching my lips to hers and run mine over them back and forth to stimulate by friction. Slowly with care because a good kiss is a slow kiss right?
Then I lean into her and tilt my head a little to avoid bumping into her nose but lining up the bow middle of my lips with hers and make contact. Just enough pressure to make this little plumping of the flesh of each of our lips, half purse, then unpurse, purse and unpurse then she purses and I open my lips and pull/suck? It’s sort of like that? It’s sort of like the softest bite you could give but just with your lips and it makes your/my lips drag over hers in a top to bottom way.
Brandy makes this purring like “Mmmmm…” sound and she drapes her arms over my shoulders and presses her breast into my chest her nipples soapy and slippery making me feel these more than male awake feelings from them because of what I did before. She does the same sort of motions and much better nuances of technique back to me and I really should study the way that she’s doing all of these things to me, with me but my brain does something wonderful.
It sort of just turns off.
All those ideas and all that organized randomness that’s usually ever-present in my head just stops. If you’re like me you know what I’m talking about, that whole thing of your brain not ever shutting off and you are sure if you weren’t so odd you’d be crazy. But it is being crazy really, no matter the fact they call it a disorder or a condition.
It goes away and there is just this feeling of being kissed and touched and cared about blending with the physical feeling that I’m so starved for that it is an experience that just…I feel like I did earlier this morning but more so.
We get out of bed and dry each other off and return to kissing whenever we can and head to bed where I actually take the lead. I turn on some music this song from her playlist labeled lovers starts playing. “Who makes you feel?” by the singer Dido and it is very personal and erotic as I kiss her then apply my kissing routine to her breasts as I heft them gently in my hands and slowly caress them taking my time and sitting her on the edge of her bed and enjoy the sounds she makes, the breathy sounds, the whine of it being so good…her saying my name with that sound in her voice we all get when emotion tightens our vocal chords up. I’ve never been sexually forward with her that much but I want to please her…it’s really important to me to show her that I love her even if I am not good with those expressions. It’s why I sink to my knees and kiss her navel…
I know the drawer where she has some of her stockings. I get up and place my finger on her lips then go to it and get a pair of these white lacey thigh high ones that have the elastic at the tops to hold them in place. I kiss her again on the lips and her fingers slide over my skin and play with my nipples making me have good shivers. I sink to my knees again and like I’m reminded by the mental refresh button in my brain I re-stimulate her breasts with more kisses and touches but this time I use the stimulating feel of the fabric of the stockings on her breasts as well as everything else. I get stimulated by the sounds she makes again…very by the inhaled whispery gasp from her of “Ohfuckmaddie…” as the fabric very gently runs over the skin of her breasts, her areolas, and nipples.
I go lower and kiss her navel again, lower and kiss taste the pubic mound just above her Penny…yes she calls her penis, her Penny. I smile as she says that actually getting the transgendered play on words with that. She is aroused and I stroke “Penny” a few times but take her leg first her right and kiss her toes, her ankle both on top of it and on the side of it and then very slowly slide the stocking onto her leg. I run my lips along the skin of it before I slide and caress the stocking into place. I repeat the process with her left leg after just a short break of sitting up on my knees to kiss her again and stroking “Penny” I am so hoping that this is something good, that I’m doing this right. I think I am by the sounds she makes.
Once I have the stockings on both of her legs I kiss her more on the lips but running my hands over both her legs to stimulate her and I break the kiss. I look her in the eyes and try to be serious and loving at the same time. I tell her as I’m making that eye contact. My voice is soft and whispery because I’m shy and I’m scared and hoping I say this right. My fingers are counting on her thighs.
“Brandy, I love you. I love you and more I am in love with you and I want you to know that. I might not say it enough or say it right some times but it’s true. I love you and I…I…I am so thankful for you and the love and acceptance you give me.”
Instead of waiting for her to respond or to kiss me I sink down lower than before and I kiss “Penny.” I kiss “Penny” and take her deeper into my mouth and start to apply as much technique like from kissing and from anything else I can think of as my hands run over her legs and the stockings over and over looking so arousing with the white filmy gauzy material and lace against her coffee skin. When Brandy’s fingers slip into my hair and hold/cradle my head as I’m giving her oral it takes it to someplace better for me and this becomes not soothing but empowering.
Serendipitously the song “Better than Chocolate.” Starts to play during this. Once Brandy reaches orgasm I make my way up her body and we kiss sharing her flavor and I slip into bed with her and she returns the favor and more until we’re spent and tired and the digital clock on the nightstand says seven minutes past noon. I fall asleep in her arms, and held by one leg covered by blankets and satisfied more that ever in my life.
Brandy kisses my hair and sleepily and softy says to me and the top of my head.
“Maddie, you are the most beautiful, amazing and caring soul I’ve ever known. Nobody has ever loved me like you do. I thought that nobody ever would. No beautiful, I’m the one who should be thanking you.”
I mumble back to her as I’m drifting off. “We have to be careful or we’ll fall into a loop of thank you’s.”
***
Five hours, five hours that I slept and just slept. No overclocking the computer that’s in my head. I think I might have even dreamt. I sort of remember images of the club and of the lovemaking that we had just done.
Its suppertime and I can feel Brandy in the bed with me, warming the bed and my life even. My world is a new thing of feminine smells and textures and feelings that actually make my life feel like it was new, better. I debate getting up but there’s no real reason for me to. I look at the clock and smile and lazily roll over and wrap an arm around Brandy and smile as I snuggle away into sleep again.
***
I dream this time of lines of light, blue white like electricity running through the world. I’m outside and I’m walking through the streets of Toronto and everything is so slow, moving vehicles are stand-still blurs and people are just there like statues, birds are frozen in the air as are insects and other things. There’s no wind here, there’s no sound here other than my own footfalls.
I walk through places I’ve been and a few I’ve never been to before. I see the time on the clocks here and there. 6:45 PM and after walking around a few hours or more…6:47 PM?
I go to one of the lines drawn to it, fascinated by it and stare into it seeing nothing but a flow of blue/white energy and it is filled with zeros and ones, it’s an incalculable stream of them. I hate to use that word but I am not capable of it therefore…
I stick my hand in it unsure and tentative and I feel so much…too much…I feel power, energy, information all too much for me…I feel the bandwidth of the planet!?
The energy overwhelms me and I can’t hold it, I can’t contain it and then there’s this wave of something so intense that it rips at me I get sucked into it like what undertow must feel like and I’m carried away with the currents getting knocked around and going through buildings and going blind from the brightness most of the time…
~I don’t want this!, I don’t want to be here!, I want to go home!~
~I want to go home!~
I screamed it I think? And then I surged into the outer side of the stream of light and data and zipped around the city on this super speed energy ride relaying from line to line to line until I hit one that goes right through Brandy’s house and I get spat out into the/our bed and into me!!???
***
I scream, and I sit up and shoot out of bed and flail through the nothingness like Willey Coyote my arms not able to keep me aloft and tangled in the sheets I crash face first into the floor beside the bed.
Ow…
Ow…Ow…Ow…
Brandy comes into the bedroom to stare and look at me. She’s in a Metallica T-shirt and panties and the stocking with a spatula in her hand. “Maddie, holy crap hun are you okay?”
“I…”
“I fell out of bed?”
I look around and I am very confused.
Encrypted-6
Chapter 6
I blink several times trying to make sure where I’m at is really where I’m at. Brandy’s looking at me and comes over and kneels down and she slowly unbends my fingers from the frame of the bed. “Maddie…Maddie…” It still hasn’t hit me that it’s over.
I’m shaking and shivering actually and my head is pounding. I think I’m crying a little too.
“Maddie honey what’s wrong are you hurt?” I’m just not in that place were talking works and I shake my head no. I try to get it out.
“I…I…ww..was sleeping and…” I’m having to hold my breath, shake my hands, count on my fingers. “I..I..Had..a..a..a..nightmare?…I..I..ww..ww..was out of my body and..dd…”
I hate this! I hate that I’m stuttering and can’t seem to get that grip on just getting things out.
It’s like climbing up stairs but someone’s oiled everything.
Brandy kisses me and she takes my hands and she lies me down on the floor and sits on me straddling me and she holds me down there her body pressed to mine, her forehead to mine and that deep satiny hair of her’s coming down and veiling out the world.
She just took everything I couldn’t cope with right now and just reduced it down to two things. It’s just me and her and I could feel it like I was some one tied to the rocks in a pounding surf that the world became and she just…she’s sheltering me from that never ending pounding assault.
There’s no kissing just her beautiful big brown eyes staring into mine and grounding me. Her weight securing me and the feel of her straddling me and that pressure and her breasts pressed into me. I know I’m crying because she made it stop, made me stop.
Who gets that? Who get’s to be loved by someone who takes all that stuff that’s trying to drown us in life’s hard stuff and makes it just stop? Brandy made it go away. All my life my life’s taught me…You’re different, You’re strange, too strange and you won’t have what you see them have…you wouldn’t get it anyway…
But here she is…and for a person who’s used logic to survive…it’s love that’s saving me right now. And I’m crying a bit more that I might have lost this. I might not have gotten back here. I breathe with her. “You okay?” She asks me.
“Yes, getting there thanks to you.”
“What happened, you were really freaked out?”
“I…I’m not sure, I was sleeping and then I wasn’t in my body and I was out in the city and things were just so strange…then there was this current that...that was like touching…It was like actually being able to touch the bandwidth of the universe? But it was too much and it was like getting pulled into the rapids and I…I thought I might never see you again…” (Sniffle)
She’s staring at me and then she kisses me. It’s long and sweet and deep. I mean subjectively deep. It’s not like a kiss can have a lot of measurable physical properties but I guess the best thing I can think of it there’s a deep/large volume of context within that kiss.
That’s kind of a light bulb moment for me too. I compartmentalize things but where that’s a bad thing for people like me then maybe a kiss like that can be like a macro for things that I mean to feel and say.
I kiss her back and that kiss is me saying.
[I love you.]
[You save me.]
[I need you.]
[You make my life better.]
[I am Me because of you.]
The smile that she has after I break that kiss is just…it’s so good. When Brandy smiles at me like that I feel like a better me.
“Whatever it was Maddie, I’m glad I got you back.” She’s kisses me again and there’s this look of love and wonder in her eyes looking at me. I never believed that was possible. I usually hate being wrong but I am happy to be wrong about this.
Those words I never used to have come out again. “I’ll never leave you Brandy, you’re my heart, they say home is where the heart is and you’re my home. All my life I’ve looked ay the why that things are, the why of the universe…you’re my why, you’re my ultimate solution to why…”
Okay…I sounded strange and very scientific and nerdy and awkward but Brandy gives me another of her beautiful smiles…another kiss. I return it trying to put those values behind it again.
That kiss turns to more and more, the feel and taste of her lipstick on my lips, the smell of her, her soaps and make up. The perfect texture of her skin. I marvel as she sits up and her top comes off and then her bra…coffee skin and pale rose satin and lace look so good. But I love her breasts, riding high and so lovely. I can’t help myself but to take them into my hands and mouth sitting up in a stomach crunch as I lose myself and find myself in the same time as I make love to them only moving to let her get my bra off and let her pull sheets and pillows of the bed to support me and we get very involved in this sweet, sensual lovemaking and foreplay.
This of course leads to Brandy getting us both naked again and wrapped and lubed and she sinks and settles herself onto me and it’s so good. I’m not sure if lesbian fits us but I like being me right now, I like the feeling of being inside Brandy and the tightness of her body around me. Not just the sexual pleasure, but the intimate security thing too. And…that look on her face. She loves me inside of her, it gives her something that she needs. I can see the connection there in that look of pleasure and fulfillment on her face. And for me not to miss that cue means it’s something very strongly obvious.
I can go into a lot of detail but it’d spoil it I think. I’m very sure though this isn’t guy and girl sex. It’s not two guys having sex and I get so much more out of the things we do, they ways she gently touches me and the pleasure I get from my breasts not breasts isn’t a male thing so.
There really has to be more genders really than just two.
It’s time for her to get ready and go to work and I’m still not that comfortable to be here alone just yet so I get ready with her. She makes love to me in the shower and it’s good, better than good because I feel very, very right when she’s gliding through me being part of me. I am not a male, or at least I’m not the standard model.
I’m putting on my make up and it comes out. “I think people are like custom computers, we all do and fit in best doing what we were meant to do.”
Brandy’s doing her hair with a skill I hope I’ll learn. “Huh, explain this bit honey?”
“I think that there are just as many kinds of people and jobs and genders or sexualities out in the world that we’re like custom computers and we’re only happy when we’re living/being used for the applications we were meant for.”
She stares at me and shakes her head smiling. “I love it when you talk like that. It’s really cute and smart-sexy and you don’t dumb things down for me.”
“Why would I? you’re not stupid.”
“I’m a stripper and I’m black and a girl, most people think I’m dumb, It kind of sticks in your head.”
“Well it’s wrong, education and race doesn’t make you smart, smart makes you smart, experience gives you wisdom, passion makes you learn and grow. You are not a stupid woman, your heart is very smart Brandy. Emotionally honey You’re a genius.”
That leads to more kissing and us having to redo out lipsticks. I love, love, love that feeling. There’s nothing so hot as the feeling of our shiny sexy lips gliding over each other kissing and tasting each other. Lipstick on nipples has to be second though…I never thought I’d think about sex this much, about intimacy.
I get dressed a bit differently in red lacy boy cut panties and a bra, flared jeans, and chunky heeled shoes and a really loose pink sweater with a wide neck so it almost hangs and kind of slips a bit off a shoulder revealing my bra strap from time to time and I’m wearing this pink lace patterned wool cap that makes me look… “Huh…I look, pretty cool?”
“Yeah you look hot honey, cute, cool, and sexy.” She purrs in my ear as she slides my leather coat on me all chivalrous like even though she’s in the stockings and the skirt and the clubbing street wear and looks very sexy. I kind of like that with how I’m thinking lately. I nuzzle her a bit and smile. “Thank you Beautiful, I think I’m starting to like being with a girl that knows how to treat a girl.”
We lock up and get into “Pretty” and I try, I try and not get too overtaxed by the nightlife stimulus. I sort of play with my hands as we drive there and some of the worst of it I’m start at the dash but I get through it. It’s hard but I do it and I’m a bit happy with myself as we head into the Violet Rose.
We slip into the side door let in by Nikki, she’s the girl bouncer with the security baton and I there’s hugs? I’m not used to people being happy to see me and the music’s really loud and instead of yelling I notice Brandy and Nikki conversing in a mix of finger spelling and ASL (American Sign Language) then I notice she has small hearing aids in both ears. That makes so much sense, clubs are really loud. Having someone who’s very tuned to visual acuity is smart, just as smart as a female bouncer in a strip club. You’d expect Kevin but not Nikki, she looks like a dancer or waitress.
I sign to Nikki. *Thanks for the hug, is there some where I can be out of the way?*
There’s a big smile on her face. It’s, it’s something that I’m starting to love, making people smile. It really is something special.
*You’re welcome!, I think Marks going to want with him again but behind the bar. You sign?*
*Some. I’m sorry if I’m slow or rusty. I have not used it since I was six or seven. When I was in a Mental hospital.*
*That’s too young for a place like that. Why?*
I have to fingerspell out most of it. *I have Asperegers and am part Autistic, My mother wanted them to find and fix what was wrong with me. Some deaf children were there too.*
Nikki looks and signs fast like she’s angry. *It’s who you are she should have known that. I hope she learned different.*
*I don’t know or think so. She left me and my father after that.*
I’m swamped by her hugging me and Brandy’s smiling at us. We all get to the bar and Mark gives Brandy a Fresca and lemon juice on ice. “You’re on in fifteen.” he tells her and takes out a can of Coke and wipes it down and gives it to me. “You’re back, we didn’t scare you off?”
“No, I feel safe here.” I open my pop after tapping the sides three times. It helps keep it from foaming up.
“You up to helping out tonight?”
“Mark, she doesn’t have to work here.” Brandy stares at him a bit upset, hands on hips.
“I asked, and it’s not hired, it’s helping out. I though she might want something to do instead of waiting around and getting hit on. It’s safer on this side of the bar, but if you’re behind my bar you help.”
I think Brandy was going to say something but I butt in. “I’d like that but I haven’t done anything g like this before.”
“You sure honey?” Brandy asks me.
“Yes, I would like something to do, and I would feel less like an outsider helping.”
Mark looks at me. “Good it’s settled and you not knowing anything’s good, I won’t have to unteach you stupid habits.”
“Unteach? How do you unteach something? You can’t…” Brandy interrupts me with a kiss and one of those really good loving ones where your lover touches the side of your face.
“You have any idea how much I love you Madison Grant?”
I’m tongue touching, tasting her lipstick on my lips. “I know you love me but I can’t measure it…I’ve…I’ve…never been loved before.” I give her this worried look but I just get that just for me smile back.
She kisses me again before heading out back to get into costume. “I love you infinity squared Maddie!” she yells to me.
“But, but…You can’t square infinity…It’s infinite.” I whine. Mark pulls my hand rolling his eyes and leads me behind the bar.
Encrypted-7
Chapter 7
It might sound strange but being a bartender is actually very good if you’re like me. I have issues with clean. I need things to be clean and this I can control here behind the bar. You take away the social interaction it’s a whole system of measurements and protocols and technical details that are actually soothing to someone like me. Oddly enough I like the dance music too the beat of the club stuff get’s into what I’m doing like a way for me to time myself. Plus there’s the fact that I just like to dance. I’ve studied both dance and music as my minors and while it’s part of me being different I kind of found that dance and music let me feel like I actually sort of had a soul.
There were a lot of years that I wondered that. I mean I still wonder what a soul is but I’ve managed to get myself to a point where there were times I though I could feel like other people did, like they had one.
Life is so grey when you just don’t really know why you are the way that you are or what’s wrong with you. It even went past the way that I was diagnosed really. Of course I had no idea that I might have been transgendered so I was just still sort of stuck in that limbo state.
It’s so painful to have these feelings inside about all of the stuff going on and just not have the tools or the right mind frame to just let it out.
Brandy has changed that and changed me. I’m still learning and trying but she understands where others haven’t. I am deeply in love with her for that. There is more to me loving her than that of course but being understood, having someone hear the stuff I can’t and haven’t been able to voice is something huge.
And I get to watch her take the stage. She’s beautiful and curvy with very nice breasts and even nice hips but long legs as well. I think that she might be a XXY variant or something? Hormones can do much or so I’ve read but there is this body type that she must have some very female character features. I know she’s had surgery and some work done or in our cases she had some of the things wrong with her fixed.
I’m getting off topic again.
Yes…Brandy dancing. I know it’s an erotic show or it’s meant to be but there’s this grace to her up there. She’s dressed in a costume, looking like a slave girl out of Africa during Roman times she’s bare foot with a torn tunic and a drop cloth hiding her sex and yet still you can see this torn and tattered tiger print panties underneath. A man on of the staff comes dragging her by a choker and a chain to the pole and he yells. “Dance!” and he cracks his whip. Arabic styled music starts to play like for the seductive slow stuff and she begins to dance, and dance slowly…not stripping yet at all and then the belly dancing sort of salsa moves come into play as the music gets more intense and almost frenetic until Brandy hits the stage like she fell when the music stopped. The light’s dim around her to just shine on her and she starts up again almost in a sexy predator way…wanton I would call the look as the song. “Slave for you.” Starts by Britney Spears.
I try to keep up behind the bar helping Mark during her set but she strips to this and rides the pole and does things with the chain attached to the choker. She so seductive and rhythmic she’s almost hypnotic.
So at odds with my Brandy in a way. She is so different off stage that the way that she transforms herself up there is fascinating.
But when she’s not dancing she’s giving lap dances, and even that is fascinating to watch. I find myself in these busy periods of time when the alternate sexuality and gender crowds seem to arrive and the stage dancing stops and there’s a DJ that sets up on the stage and the place becomes a dance club for the all the different people. Brandy and the others are still doing lap dances but these are for the semi private booths. They’re only semi private because the security people mark has hired need to still see the girls and keep them safe.
I’m forced to get exposed to conversations with customers that normally I wouldn’t engage in. I’m a bartender at the moment and being social is part of the experience, part of the job much like my having to spend so many hours teaching.
It’s not that the conversations are bad or anything it’s the fact that I would not normally talk to most people. I’m not good at it, I am very awkward and literal, taken wrong much of the time and shy.
Scared even.
I could teach, well I tried to teach even though I had the feeling that my style of teaching math wasn’t the most interesting. And I spent most of my academic time writing computer code and running mathematic equations trying to solve problems for mostly deep sea work or for deep space work.
Nothing remotely like this though.
Then things change as the shift goes on and I actually start to see results, positive ones. Whether it’s my appearance or the short conversations that don’t let me blunder into things like I usually do or just the fact that I might be picking up a new skill set shows with real results in the form of tips.
It’s not really about the money either. But it is a tangible gauge for me to actually see my progress in doing this. I actually am having fun by the time the shift is done. Mark tells me to keep my tips and I help him and the rest of the staff in cleaning up. I’m a little OCD when it comes to these things and Mark seems to be the same way. Everything is cleanable and wiped down it takes all of us about an hour and even Cord who was the DJ tonight pitched in. He’s the first FTM transperson that I’ve ever met and he really does come across as a he. Actually very much more than I did even before my change which honestly has me fascinated.
And leads me to thinking over a question. Am I a male with a female mutation or have I always been female with a male biological mutation? Cort’s very nature seems to suggest that they are inherently male despite her biological factors.
I’m pleasantly surprised when Brandy comes out showered and changed into a different outfit than what she wore to work. Faded and torn jeans that are the fashion again it seems but on her they look stunning, they really accentuate her hips. And just a simple pink “My Little Pony” tee-shirt that’s short enough to be a cropped tee and shows off her coffee and cream skin. Her hair’s loose and down and she’s got these long gentle wavy tresses that I love.
I can’t help but go away from my usual train of thought and just drink in how relaxed and natural and beautiful she is and there’s part of me that is just still getting that amazed catch in my heart and my throat when she smiles for me, and walks up to me and she kisses me….
Someone cares and loves and is kissing me.
This is very, very cool.
See, I’m learning.
I love the way that she smells too out of the shower. Cocoa and Shea butter mixing with her secret deodorant and her lotion. The smell of her make up on her face…yes I can smell that then that silken slippery yet not beautiful sensation of my lips and her lips as we kiss and that feeling of lipstick on lipstick.
“Morning.” I say as we break the kiss.
“Good morning actually, I get to be with you.” She says giving me one of those just for my heart Brandy smiles. I love that, that she can just make me feel the way she does.
“Breakfast?” I ask but I’m hungry too.
“Sure, Where?”
“Home? I don’t know many places.”
“I know a good one?”
“Uh…uhm….okay…” I’m nervous, I’m not good with going out to places but Brandy wants to go here and I really don’t want to mess this up what we have and….and…I need to do this. I’m with someone. I can’t shut myself away from the world like I used to. It’s not fair to her if I did. I and not dragging her down with me in the whole thing of my stuff making her feel guilty because it’s something hard for me.
“Are you sure?” she kisses me lightly but has this open, warm caring concerned look.
“I’m sure I’m just nervous and scared a bit.”
“We can go home?”
“No…please, I want to go. I want to do these things too I..I..I..jj..Just need to get past the stuff holding me back…I can do this with you helping me.”
I stuttered a bit which I hate but it’s a good indicator of my stress levels too. Brandy kisses me and then she smiles. “Come on angel, besides I’ve got the perfect thing to take your mind off of going out to someplace new.” She’s leading me out to pretty and opens the door for me before getting in herself.
“What’s the thing that’ll take my mind off of going to someplace new?”
“My driving.”
She has this huge smile on her face as she says it and she’s actually right. I have a car but I don’t use it. I hate driving, I take the bus or walk as much as I can and never go really far from where I live. I usually never go out at nights. The lights are too bright, the flashing pulses and the cars and other things and street lights, traffic lights, it all seems magnified by the darkness.
So I’m listening to the classical music on her radio in “Pretty” and subconsciously conducting with my hands and trying to not get too caught up in the sensory overload by using that to distract me.
4:33 A.M. in Toronto isn’t as bad as I thought, there’s some traffic but not that much mostly the things that I notice are the cabs and the delivery trucks as the move through the early morning. It’s actually a lot better then it was on our way to the club. Ten minutes in and I’m actually fine, well better than normal and Brandy’s smiling at me.
“Getting better Hon?”
“Yes, I think this is a better time of the night for me.”
“I think so but I’m hoping that it’s a matter of getting used to doing it more like fighting a phobia.”
“Yes, that’s what I’ve been thinking about when it comes to the equation of me in US.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been a recluse for a lot of my life. I “holed” up away from most social groups because I wasn’t good at them. I’m different and I didn’t understand how. I was like the hermit crab ready to pull back into my shell and hide. I figured out tonight that I can push those boundaries I put up as walls to keep me safe.”
“You don’t need to push yourself too hard Maddie.”
“Yes, because if we are really we then I need to expand myself, otherwise what’s my defense becomes a cage for you.”
“It wouldn’t?”
“Yes, this could really happen Brandy, I’m not all that life experienced but even I know that if I let myself fall into my old rut that I might pull you in too. It’d just take me not wanting to go someplace or do something a few times too much back into my old comfort zone when you want or need to and you wouldn’t enjoy it because you felt guilty for leaving me or not go because of that.”
“That’s a bit conceited isn’t it?”
“No…it almost happened tonight didn’t it?”
She’s quiet and thinking and driving and after five minutes she slows down. “Yeah, I guess that you’re right. I was just wanting to take you home, to not stress you out and make things easier for you. I love you but I can see what you’re afraid of.”
“Good, I’m not sure if I’m always going to be strong enough to do all the things all of the time but I want you to help me, to push me or pull me out of the mold that I got stuck into as Mathew.”
“Deal.”
She leans over to kiss me and then she scares me. Okay…this actually might be funny, it strikes me as funny that the scariest part of the night was Brandy trying to parallel park in front of the restaurant.
We’re on Younge & College at this diner place called Fran’s. It’s nice and it’s clean and moderately busy for this time of the morning and we get shown to a table. I notice the sign and the menu says since 1940 so that bodes well for this being a good place. The table and seats are clean and so are the dishes and the silverware. I feel myself relaxing with each good detail and then the smells hit and I remember that I’ve been working all night and brandy’s been dancing all night.
The menu has a good selection and we order together. It’s another time of new things for me. Brandy gets an order of pancakes with banana in them and cinnamon sugar on top to go along with the corned beef hash and extra home fries for both of us and I’ve never had corned beef before and I like it. Honestly it’s something that I think my father would like. The eggs are sunny side up and runny which kind of end up on her plate because I can’t do a runny egg. I just can’t the only way I can eat eggs in any way is scrambled; I’m actually fond of omelettes.
I really liked the home fries I like potatoes generally but they just tasted extra good this morning and I think I have a new favorite pancake too. Banana and cinnamon sugar goes well together and even better with coffee.
We kind of make pigs out of ourselves or well not really but we don’t eat the way that you usually see girls eat. We eat, not nibble or anything but you know when girls eat like they don’t care who’s watching and are actually being themselves? That’s us with the occasional forkful of something yummy being offered up by the other one to eat and be fed by.
I’ve never done anything like that and there’s a point in time where the place just stops mattering and I’m eating and giggling and having fun and falling in love with this girl who’s taken me to places in my heart I didn’t know where there.
I pay for the meal and Brandy leaves a twenty dollar tip. “Waiting tables is a hard job hon, and I like the place.”
I nod and get us two big coffee’s to go while I’m at the cash. “I get that and if we do that then they’ll remember us and we might be welcome there.”
She smiles at me. “I never thought about it that way but yeah I suppose that it could work that way. It certainly wouldn’t hurt for girls like us to have a few places that are glad to see us no matter what.”
The drive home isn’t that bad but the traffic was just starting to get into that heading to work Toronto snarl I really focus on not spilling our coffees. But it’s downtown Toronto and if it’s not the traffic it’s the disrepair of some of the streets.
In my opinion pavement the way it is currently used by most companies and municipalities is a waste of our tax dollars. A few years ago a student in British Columbia made a stretch of superior asphalt by simply grating plastic pop bottles into fine strips and dumping it in to melt along with the heated material. The end result was a product that was much more durable that the regular mixture by three or four times.
It isn’t used because that would “take job” away from people. That’s a lie, resurfacing all the roads in something that would last for twenty or thirty years would keep them very much employed.
It’s money pure and simple like the systematic failing of the rail system here. If it was more efficient and used better then so much more goods would be shipped that way but the fact of more trucks on the roads leads to huge profits for fuel companies and taxes for the government.
The green people talk a good game but I rarely hear them mentioning the railways. These are mass transit by design. In just terms of fuel to cargo terms they are very good for the environment.
I come out of my tangent in my head caused by the last pothole bump to find myself at home. Home… I let out this sigh of satisfaction. When I got lost, went out of body or whatever I had down I wanted to go home so badly and I snapped back to here to Brandy.
I look at her as we get out and still marvel at her simple beauty and loveliness. She looks so good in the morning sunshine and I move around the front of the car to meet her at the door and lean over hold the coffees away from us and kiss her again. Longer and again and again four or five times in those I love you open mouth sensual kisses.
“Mmm, ya…ay…, what brought those on?”
“You, just seeing how beautiful you are in the morning sunlight.”
“Really?”
If I have my problems so does Brandy. She gets that she’s sexy and she equates that to maybe something fetish like or something with why so many “straight” guys like the she-male thing but she has problems believing that she’s just honestly beautiful.
“Yes, really…remember this is me, I am very bad at lying.”
“I know it’s just….”
“I know and I know you’re beautiful Brandy, I see it shining out of you like light.”
She’s crying now but smiling and she kisses me, it’s this; her arms around me suddenly and me spilling the coffees, Brandy pressing her breasts into my chest as she kisses me with this long passionate pinning me to the door kind of kiss.
I’m kissing back and we stay like that for awhile until I move my arms around her settling my hands into the small of her back and then slowly sliding down to her butt and it’s so good feeling the same thing as Brandy’s hands slide from my shoulders down to the small of my back and cup my bottom. I’ve never had anyone cup my bottom before…I think I like it.
Our kissing becomes even more intense and we’re fumbling our way inside with the keys and the locking the door which let me pin her to that side of the door for a few minutes and we do that back and forth into the furniture and the walls all the way to our room where we kiss and kiss and….oh it’s so like we’re doing mouth to mouth mathematics and we’re desperately try to solve for K instead of X.
It’s a different lovemaking this time, face to face on our sides kissing and touching, exploring our breasts and my aren’t even there just sort of starting from my tweaking of my equation…but they feel so good to be touched, to be kissed and sucked on…then there’s this other touching both of using the lubricant on the other, on our hands and touching ourselves but not like two men giving each other a hand job…no this was strokes with the pads of fingers, feather light touches, running an fingertip under each other’s hoods…not a male lovemaking experience at all but a female one, a lesbian one…as we made love like that…teasing each other’s clitty’s until…I had such powerful orgasms, there was this rise and fall of getting there but stopping and starting again and again until we teased each other to exploding with these girlie little cries. It was so strong that I made that sound…so…right…so female that it just…happened.
We had several orgasms before we were sated and kissing and smiling and even giggling a little as we were licking each other clean before we snuggled together into bed finally.
It seemed like so long in coming but life can actually good.
(Happy sigh...)
Encrypted 8
Chapter 8
I wake but I don’t wake. I mean I open my eyes and the world is changed again. I’m not lost but I’m here…or rather there again in this place that’s outside of myself. I look around and see myself and Brandy still intertwined it bed.
I hold my image self’s? Hands out in front of me and I seem to look like myself but there’s this blue-white shimmer around myself. I try to keep calm and just try and record all the strangeness.
There is a cord, a line like a plug or a tether between myself here and my body, it’s connected to the strange aura around me here as and image.
~Okay, I’m a remote. ~
I move and flicker around the house, literally flicker like I’m not walking but I’m instantly there. Speed of thought?
Time.
Time seems to have no meaning to me here. The clocks don’t move, and anything with an electrical current running through it I can see the energy, where it is, how it flows and even see it though an object it it’s solid.
~It’s so strange, it’s so fascinating.~
And the matrix thing, the encryption the longer I stare at something the more of the “code.” That makes it up lights up to my sight. It’s easier to see in living things. Most of my “code” is missing compared to Brandi’s well not missing but most of it is me being outside of myself.
Fascinating, and really hard to grasp. I can understand what I’m seeing but right now but being able to grasp the scope of things.
I’m lost in the study of things in the house and that has me so enthralled until I feel this strange sensation and I’m confused until I flicker back to the bedroom and I can see Brandy nuzzling my neck, kissing in little bits and there’s changes of her energies, more awake but also more awake in certain areas…her breasts and below have increased concentrations.
I’m almost going to wake or try to when I notice there’s not bits of each other’s energy in each other but like part of my code and part of her code had interacted with each other and has become similar to each other. I can see bit’s of me getting bits of her copied over as she is nuzzling and kissing me.
I reach in and touch that reaction.
……………….Ooooh.
Oh….it’s love?
Not like the indefinable thing but that part of us when we bring something or each other into a relationship and you feel this kind of connection, this kind of melding?
I just seen it, felt it, and there’s……..
It’s real, it’s really…real.
Emotions are hard for me sometimes, things are so much better when there’s a fact to them, a reality about them.
I just felt without a shadow of a doubt that she loved me, loves me and that part of Brandi is going to be part of me forever.
If it’s true for me and her then.
It has to be true for everyone.
Oh so very much Oh.
I think flicker back into myself and I can feel it so much more for a second before it becomes part of that good feeling and those good sensation when someone you’re in love with is kissing you.
I’m crying because it’s real, this changes everything so much. I’m not sobbing but just letting out happy tears much more than usual.
I wasn’t good at crying either but I was good at depression.
I’m not depressed this morning. And you know…no I’ll tell her.
I roll over and kiss her back on the lips and she returns the kiss deeper and again and again and I feel “penny” awake. “Morning Maddie love.”
“It’s not morning.”
“It’s morning somewhere.” She kisses me again. “Are you okay? You’re crying”
“Oh I’m very good…I just really started to figure out that Love is real, and feel how much that you love me.”
“Oh, of course Love’s real honey.”
“I know, I know that now.” She looks at me and rubs noses with me and kisses me again and I can’t stop the smile on my face because I know we’re becoming more and more one with each other…
Oh…
“Brandy?”
“Yes love.”
“Make love to me? Please, I want to be one with you.” I mean it not like fusing or anything but with knowing what I know now and how we bond with intimate acts and even just touches there’s part of me now that really needs to experience lovemaking and the truth of it, I want to feel this.
“I was hoping that you’d say that.” And she kisses me and breaks the kiss and moves her mouth to my breast and I gasp at the feeling, was it better? Was it stronger? Am I feeling this more now that I’m aware of it?
It was so incredible, it was like last night too, early this morning I mean where we might not have the real anatomy of GG women but we definitely, definitely are having lesbian sex.
There is a flavor to the intent she has as she makes love to me. She is not feeling me as a male even thought there are parts of me that are.
It was like this before and it wasn’t either. When she’s inside of me I can feel her so much more! I can feel her not making love to me in the Homosexual way but as me, the real me, Madison as she see’s me and it’s not the whole thing but there’s flashes and they are so.
Brandy make long slow and sweet passionate love to me and I can feel her in those flashes making love to the girl that I am, the woman that she loves and the one she knows I am and she is so clear in that being the way that she see’s me and that she loves me that I think some of Brandy’s “normality” has started rubbing off inside of my code because I’m crying through the entire thing and calling out vocally. Gripping the sheets, shaking as I’m taken to a place that’s………….Just so like every other girl caught deep in the throes of passion.
And then there’s this thunderstorm of her code flashing into mine as Brandy climaxes inside of me and I cry out and she cries out and it’s so much…too much…I pass out.
I don’t really wake up.
But I’m projecting again.
I look around but it’s not like before, the energies around me are different, muted or blurry and I’m not in the house but I’m.
“Bradley! You get your ass in this house boy!” I turn and see this young tenish African Canadian boy running to get away from this older black woman. She has him by the scruff of the shirt and I’m drawn to the scene. There’s a centering of the data around them.
~I don’t understand?~
She moves the child rougher than I’m used to seeing but she doesn’t really hurt him. “I told You! No more hanging around Jessie and his hoodlums, you think you’re tough and all gangsta, not in this family! You’re grounded! Now get your ass in the basement!” She slaps him in the back of the head and yells again. “Go and get your school books and do your damned homework!”
The woman fades a bit like everything else only the young black child is still in focus so I follow him flickering to his room.
He’s not upset, he’s shakingly opening a set of floorboards and takes out a black garbage bag and he stuffs it into his school bag. He yells out though. “This ain’t fucking fair!”
There’s a reply. “Well life isn’t fair Bradley, I’m not having My son be so ganged up hoodlum! You’re going to be a good Christian boy even if it kills me! Next time you’ll think first before you and those hoodlums are throwing rocks at peoples cars.”
“They we’re cars the was cabs and they were rag-heads!”
“I didn’t raise you to be some racist! Get down there now!”
“For how long!”
“Until bedtime, everyday, all week!”
“But!”
“No Buts!”
I’m very confused, I’m worried for the boy because to be sent to the basement sounds cruel. I’m a mental image that doesn’t match the actual place I see once he gets there stomping the entire way.
His mother is right beside the door and there’s siblings in other rooms giggling and laughing at his punishment. He goes down the stairs upset looking and she closes the door on him and locks him in.
I was expecting some thing worse, but the basement has wall to wall carpet and there’s books and a desk and a lot of religious stuff here and I see him smile, I know that smile.
He takes out his books and then the bag and he goes to the bathroom and gets undressed. Then he get’s dressed a pair of panties, a bra, and a very carefully folded dress. He tucks and dresses and there’s a familiar sigh and smile but it’s a sad smile in the mirror. He pitches his voice softer and runs his fingers through his really short haircut.
“I hate my hair.”
~Brandy?~
I watch her, or this fledgling version of her and here locked away as a punishment she’s able to be free. I watch her as she dances and smiles, Yes that’s my girl.
She dances and twirls and practices walking and sitting and pretending. She seems like Brandy so alive and vibrant and even the hair has a sort of modern look I guess now?
There’s a yell. “Dinner!”
She does a mad dash and changes from her to Bradley and she stops in front of the mirror and two tears slip out. Before she runs up to the door…
There’s a flash around me but in my head too as it all vanishes away and I’m in bed and feel Brandy’s breasts pressed into me and she’s shivering, no shaking a little and I can tell the way she’s breathing she’s trying to get a hold of herself.
“Brandy.” I breath out her name.
“Yeah…” She sounds close to crying, she doing that fast breathing.
I roll over and move so I’m looking at her face and kiss her very gently and as girly and femme? As I can, I cup her left breast and gently feel it and kiss her again. “Are you alright, you’re upset.”
“Just a dream Maddie, just reliving some of the bad old days.”
“Those days made you. There’s some good with the bad.”
“I know, it’s just… (sigh)…I thought I was past it all.”
“You are past it, you aren’t the person you were, you’re the beautiful woman that loves me and I love back.”
I kiss with her some more and I can see the little girl there that was trying to live in little fits and starts in that basement office. It’s her I start kissing, trying to maybe reach her like I did when I was there in her dream or memories. I’m not sure but I think our intimacy let my code interface with hers and I was there in her dreams.
I’m not sure, how or why yet I was there or why I’m the one seeing these things and experiencing these things but I will.
I need to understand this.
Brandy needs me too, needs me now.
I kiss her again and cup both her breasts and roll over on top of her and cupping her breasts. I go slowly feeling out her energy, just the electrical currents feeling the responses to my lips suckling and my touches and my tongue. When I feel the nerves that are responsible for her pleasure I give them more energy, I turn up the signal gain on her pleasure centers and make love to Brandy reading her responses and trying to use this thing I have to make her feel like a beautiful woman.
I don’t think either of us have been as vocal before. Me before, her now…
We’re cuddling together as we come down and the elevated signal gain on the sensual nerves lasts about ten minutes, I think I could enhance my own feelings like that if I started before making love, I’m not sure if I could concentrate enough while being made love to.
We’re both panting when she looks at me and kisses me. “Wow…I…wow, Maddie it’s never been like that before.”
“Then it was good then?”
“Oh god yes, it was good.”
“Good, I was trying to make it feel better for you.”
“Thank you Baby, awesome job….”
“You’re welcome.” I’m not sure if she understands what I meant and I’m not sure she understood what we did. I am not sure of it either. I need to know more for when she asks.
We kiss more and we head into the bathroom and take a long hot bubble bath together and spend time getting beautiful together. And ready for her work, I…I don’t.
“Honey you’re not coming with me?” She asks.
“No.” I’m biting my lower lip and fighting the urge to count on my fingers.
“Did one of the guys do something?”
“No, no I like the staff and your place too but I need to acclimate myself to being here and alone. I’m not a bartender I’m a mathematical engineer.”
“Good.” She smiles as she kisses me. “I’m proud you’re ready to try this. And that you’re getting back to the work that you know.” She gives you another kiss. “You’re better than the club.”
“There’s nothing wrong with the club or the people that work there.” I kiss her back and rub her sides.
“I Love that you see the world that way.”
We kiss and we make a bit of supper just some homemade Mac & Cheese she makes and I’ve never had it homemade before and it was really good. I like cheesy as much as crunchy her macaroni was very good and creamy. We do the dishes together and we dance together in the kitchen again. More kissing, I want to kiss her more and more touch our codes together be her girl, be a girl in love with another girl. I’m glad she loves kissing as much as I do.
Even as she’s starting pretty up I’m kissing her long and deep one more time before she pulls the door shut on Pretty and drives off to work.
I hug myself a bit and head inside the house. I’m alone and scared, this is my first time alone since the attack and it’s still a new place.
I’m missing her so much already and my nerves are on so much an edge, I’m wiping away a few tears as I make a hot chocolate with hazelnut creamer and a marshmallow.
Encrypted-9
Chapter 9
Brandy leaves headed to work and to go dance and I’m here alone for the first time. It’s unsettling but I first go around and I check all the windows and all of the doors then all of the windows and the doors again before I’m good.
I turn on all the lights and I walk. I walk and I pace and I clean things. I have a bucket with cleaning supplies and lot’s of paper towels and such. But as strange as it is that I’m doing this it’s my way of knowing here, and I get to examine things up close and lose myself it that in my very kind of autistic way. I know that I’m somewhere in the middle of both.
I end up using the paper towels not just to clean things but to hold the plastic garbage bags. They still give me the Icks as Brandy would say.
I miss her already.
I find it really on the edge of unnerving but at the same time reassuring that being in a real relationship is so symbiotic. I feel symbiotic I guess, like there’s this thing that binds us and that makes me more.
More than what I was.
That’s true too. I’ve seen it; my Code with some of her’s inside of me. It’s not like possession or infection but like they say. “You change something even if you’re just observing it.”
I sort of stare at my own code looking at my own hand. It’s like those sight puzzles I let my sight not focus on anything that’s there, like I’m not trying to see what’s there at all but what I know that’s there.
There she is…Brandy her bits of information running in perfect sync with mine.
“I wonder though if there’s a saying of how much being in a relationship changes you?”
I like staring at my hand like that. I like seeing her as part of me. I miss her actuality but I’ll never be alone…I lose track of seeing the code as good tears fill my eyes and spill out. I’m sure that they’re good tears because I’ve been upset enough to cry before and this isn’t it.
It’s the first time though that I’ve done this though. Crying because I am happy.
I let them just flow, it’s…
It’s nice to feel this way and to just feel it.
I make a coffee, I want to stay up so I can go to bed with Brandy when she comes in and I drink it in the kitchen. I’m planning on using her computer and I have this OCD almost fear of spillage onto the computer from all my time in various labs and such. When you work with them a lot one either gets very careful and precise or non-chalant.
Jerry McDonal…. (Shiver) he’s a theoretical physicist I had worked with once and he left as much food in his keyboard as some people leave after a meal…
I trigger and for at least thirty minutes I’m cleaning brandy’s keyboard just to get that work experience out of my brain.
You shouldn’t be able to tell someone had a Big Mac by looking at their keyboard.
Ick.
Ick, Ick, Ick…
“Oh Brandy…you treat your computer as badly as you treated your car.”
I get on her computer and I can’t help but to winch at it. It’s so out of date. I get things cleared out Brandy has that casual surfer pollution on her computer that just kind of slowly fills your system full of garbage. I can feel the stuff she’s actually interested in and keep that but slip into her browsers and write a few quick programs in my head to get rid of the pop ups and all the unsavoury attachments to those sites and then streamline everything so that she’s running faster. It’s not much and I’m limited by the hardware but it’ll have to do.
I enter my lab accounts and I go through my project lists and start to print off all my notes on the things that I was working on and finish the simulation equations and coding on one that was getting close to it’s preliminary do date and I get so into doing it that it takes on a life of it’s own in the math of the code.
I run beta tests of this new pressure seals for a rotating underwater camera eye in my head faster that the engineering computers could do at the university and I pull out the faults in my first and second batches of calculations and I am going over the lists of the materials available readily for the contracted company and what they’ll need to use and the parameters of the construction and reach into the system to look into the net…literally look into the Net and find who makes it and where at the best prices…
There’s a point where I’m not even really using the keys and I’m just connecting my body’s bioelectrical field to tell the actual electronics of the computer to respond at a thought.
Electronic telepathy?
This is more than odd and by the time I’m completely done that I save everything onto the computer in a compressed file and the same to disc and then send it off to the head of my department.
This should actually buy me some time work and money wise.
I lean back in the computer chair and I’m trying to blink the math and code out of my eyes. It’s like looking at a bright light and having spots afterwards. I sort of see the stuff I was doing and code floating around in front of myself.
I get up and head into the kitchen and start to make soup. I like soup, I like canned soup and tomato is my favorite. Campbell’s is too strong and Heinz is too sweet but both mixed together with some skim milk to thin them out is just right.
It’s not possible to have tomato soup without grilled cheese. I cut the crust off the bread bakery bread in the nice paper sack bags and not plastic. I put the crusts in a tin with a box of baking soda laid flat so they dry to make bread crumbs. I have to smell the bread first too. I can smell mold on things like bread before you ever see it and I can taste it.
Okay the bread’s fine.
I butter the bread on both sides and I grate some mozzarella cheese and I put a little on both inside parts of the bread and then the two slices and some of the mozzarella in the middle of those. Yes I’m very strange but I think that a grilled cheese should be both creamy and stringy and should make you smile when you eat it.
I make six of them up knowing that I will eat three since I’m feeling very hungry and Brandy is usually hungry after she dances and I get everything ready and listen to some CBC-1 classical music and think of what had just happened on the computer.
I did a weeks worth of very hard work in a very short time just a few hours.
I just finished making our bed and using fresh sheets from the dryer and was starting a pot of tea when brandy comes in she looks like she’s tired and her head lifts though and she inhales and I smile at her and go to her and kiss her gently.
“Welcome home.”
She looks at me and she looks around and smells again and tears well up in her eyes.
“Oh Madison…do you know how many years I’ve waited to hear that? To have this here like this?”
……………. “This is a rhetorical question?” I ask unsure, I’m very literal.
She Kisses me deeply a starting with caps Kiss.
“Yes beautiful this is just perfect, better than perfect.”
“Brandy….” I can’t help but while, perfect is perfect by definition…she does this to tease me but the light there in her eyes and her smile. I reach up and wipe a few tears away. “Happy tears?”
“Yes baby happy tears.”
Encrypted-10
Chapter 10
I definitely get a sense of pleasure from seeing Brandy this way. I am really liking the way that she kisses me over and over sweetly as she has me backed into the kitchen counter. The tears are stopping but her smile is really big.
“I will have to make you tea and soup and sandwiches more often if they make you this happy.”
“Please? I’d honestly love that.”
“Why?”
“Because…this, just you being here and me coming home to a home rather than just my empty house especially after dancing and a long night…it means so much to me Maddy.”
“So…good?”
“Yeah beautiful, you’re the best.”
“Not likely the best, there’s really nothing to support that but…”
Brandy kisses me long and slowly and deeply cutting me off. I think I’m catching on to when I’m adding in facts or comments that aren’t really needed in our dialogs…it’s a very effective way of being taught.
I do really enjoy this, the feel of her pressed to me and our paired softness. Lipstick on lipstick and breasts touching, our scents intermingling and becoming something soothing, femme familiar but at the same time gently erotic.
No…yes…for me it’s far more an erotic thing that Brandy both wants me and she tries to understand me.
We kiss for awhile then I get the late, late supper ready and we eat.
Honestly some people overlook the sheer goodness that a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup can be. And I’m smiling actually delighted that we seem to eat it the same way. You crack the sandwich open with your fingers, just breaking off a piece then you pull letting the gooey cheese stretch and the mozzarella I’ve added just makes that even more fun. You dip about a third of it in the soup and just eat that bit and repeat only stopping to have a spoonful of soup so you’re being fair to the soup.
“This is really good Maddy.”
“Thank you, I like soups.”
“I noticed you had a lot of them when we brought back your things.”
“I’m on the computer a lot so soup and extras are a part of my diet. Oh were a part of my diet?”
“Hey, I like soup.”
“Oh good, I have several good recipes.”
“What’s your favorite soup?”
“This, tomato it’s just soothing.”
“What else other than this?”
“Chicken broth, then chicken noodle or chicken and stars. I like split pea soup too when I’m done with it the same for cream of broccoli and cream of chicken soup.”
“When you’re done with them?”
“Yes, they are good soups but need more things added to them to make them right.”
“You mean better.”
“Right is better.”
“Okay.” She’s looking at me and is smiling that smile of hers around a spoonful of soup that makes things better.
………………….okay…if thoughts are the electromagnetic activity in your brain and your thoughts make you smile and all energy transmissions have a certain amount of bleed does that actually mean that a good mood or vibe or a sweet smile can actually be transmitted? Is this the way that we feel the feelings of others? Does this bled off energy make a happy home literally a happy home?
“Maddy?”
“Huh…oh sorry I was thinking?”
“About?”
“Energy signatures and whether or not we can feel them or if over time they can alter the quantum signature of an object or a place.”
“This for a paper?”
“No, it just came up when I was watching you smile.”
“Me smile?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because when you smile I feel better, it makes me happy but it also feels like you effect the world around you. If you like; the whole light up the room is a good analogy.”
“Really?”
“Yes, you make things seem better like you radiate this positive force.”
“Like my happiness is contagious?”
“Yes but no…”
“So…does the fact that you keep making me happy factor into the equation?”
“Yes….” Oh…yes it does, that changes part of the equations narrative.
“And does that mean that each action that you do that makes me happy makes this more like an exponential change?”
Brandy gets up and sways over to me and slips onto my lap and settles against me her full breasts pressing into my starting ones and her arms wrap around my neck and she kisses me deeply and starts the whole gyrate grind of my own lap dance.
“Yes…M..Maybe…” Not so much me stuttering but me inhaling and getting aroused.
“And if there’s thing that I do that make you oh…so…happy while…you are making me so happy what does that make?”
“A Hadron particle?”
She pulls my sex free and strokes me to hardness but she laughs and kisses me and nuzzles my face. “That was funny…and sexy…and smart…”
It’s my turn to leak tears from being happy and it has nothing to do with the eroticness of what we are doing.
I was joking. The whole Hadron bit was a play on love and happiness and the fact of what we’re going to be doing….Hadron…god particle…sex…oh god…oh god…to me it was just…me being me and likely no one would get it.
No one ever gets it, or me…but Brandy got it, she got it and she laughed with me.
And I didn’t even get how much having someone who can just get me feels like.
Then we make love.
In the chair…like I’d never do…to the music…she’s so good at that…Brandy can do this kagel thing around me so long and so sustained as she’s sliding upwards off my sex that can follow some wonderful notes.
It’s the acceptance and the exoticness she brings into my once very ordinary life…non-life…that makes this so special…then walking to our bathroom where we make love again but also…
Have you ever faced your lover and sat face to face bathing each other between kisses? Knelt and touching each other, loving each other, using the gentlest care to remove each others make up and wash away the stress of the world.
I haven’t either…I love it but next time we’ll sit, it was very sweet but hard on our knees.
Sated and cleaned we lotion and powder each other and fall onto a sweet sleep and each others arms again.
I don’t travel or dream not the strange dreams but regular? Dreams…Math, codes, numbers but also Brandy and her car, us driving out of the city to the country…maybe renting a cottage out on the lakes….some of my old apartment, some of here. The lentils growing out at home. Yes we grow lentils here in Canada my father always grew them as part of our crop rotations.
I actually sleep in waking out of the lake part of the dream where Maddy was in a bathing suit with coffee in the morning sun looking so different out of the city for once.
“Maddy…Mad…dy…Morning baby, here’s some coffee.”
“Mmm…it smells good, I slept in.”
“Yeah, oh your offices called and they want you to go in and got over your submissions? And your therapist called too and she wants you to stop by.”
“Okay…” I kiss her. “Can you drive me to both?”
“Sure it beats you taking a cab, too damned expensive.”
I nod and get up and stop and sip my coffee staring at her computer and there’s this outline of numbers in the air around it like in the shape of a small person using it as a window?
The longer I stare the more numbers appear in the image until it resembles this image outline of a young girl? Seven to ten at least but I can only get an outline, and the eyes in like this negative way. I walk over and she freezes on me and I notice she’s struggling…caught up on my of anti-virus software. Not unlike Peter Pan and his shadow.
Her eyes get bigger as I walk over and I press a few keys to drop the program. She get’s this instant happy burst of numbers like she was shedding happiness for a second but no noise then she leaves getting sucked back into the data stream?
But she waved one hand as she was vanishing.
“Madds? You okay?”
“Uhm…yes…I just had to take down something I let running.”
I head into the bathroom drinking my coffee.
I think she was like me? Or maybe a real A.I.?
I need to think about this.
Amazing either way.
Encrypted-11
Chapter 11
I get showered and cleaned up and since I am going into my work and to see my therapist I dress or try to dress and bit more professionally? This is the first time that I’m doing either thing as my real self and I wish to make a good impression so I wear a light grey just knee length skirt I like the tight tube likeness of it and the feeling and security of the stockings that I put on to go with it. I like the light eggshell color of them they look nice and I slip into my bra just a nice white demi cup Wonder bra and matching panties.
I do take the scissors to my underpants and I cut an opening at the top of the gusset lining and slip them on and insert my boy tube part into the space between the cotton linings. It’s not a gaff but it works for now.
I must get Brandy to take me where she gets her gaff’s at she uses them for her work and until I can be right in my anatomy finally I want to have the flat shape.
I’m glad though the incongruity of my phallic equipment isn’t affecting my ODC tendencies really. I does in a way that I know that this is not the shape that I should be and that smooth and flat there is what is my natural shape.
I brush out my hair and dry and style it to looks nice, or the closest to it as I can get and it’s coming along more and more really. Before hair was just hair, something I had not paid attention to except for putting it into a pony tail. I am not skilled in self styling so I go for a nice loose look and then do my make up. I go for just enough to make my look more streamlined…not the right word but more socially female. Like most other women do.
Make up is very soothing to me. The ritual just works for my brain. It’s a process that just allows me to focus on something other than the myriad of other things that I am thinking and experiencing. I enjoy the sensation of it on my skin and can use it too.
Sometimes I will “Space out…” as I’ve been told but there are things that will just catch my attention that other people don’t seem to need to look at. Like the fact that I watch sunlight. The way that you can almost see the way that it shines down on places in the distance sometimes. I like to call those moments photonic rain; I can almost see in my imagination the particles. I like watching the wind. Seeing it the trees is nice but I love to watch grass move, if you’re lucky you can seen the ripple in the grasses when the current changes direction.
There is a multitude of things that catch my eyes and I just have to watch them, to observe the way that they work and it’s like the world sometimes can be the biggest lab there is and that seeing these things and just trying to figure them out is a constant for me sometimes.
I guess I see that things don’t lose their lustre for being figured out and explained. I think the explanations of something being what it is or why it is just as heady and beautiful as the thing we’ve been observing.
It’s that for me the whys are as beautiful as the just is.
And sometimes like just now I tangent.
I finish dressing with a nice cream colored blouse and a necklace and I even have a nice ladies blazer that matches my skirt and I go out to meet brandy who is dressed in jeans and a “Because I’m a girl.” Charity tee and a hello kitty hoody that makes her look very cute.
She’s just remaking the bed with fresh sheets and she stops and looks at me.
“Wow…Madison you look amazing.”
“I do?”
“Yes you do, very professional and really beautiful.”
“Thank you…I love the way that you look too.”
“I just tossed this on to be comfy.”
“I know…I love that you can just do that. It actually relaxes me.”
“It does?”
“I love that you are comfortable enough to just be you with me. Other people are just too off put by the way I act or the things that I say to be just their natural selves with me. I can always see them being off balance with me and that puts them on guard and it makes me nervous because they are tense around me and It’s like they’re just waiting for me to do or say something strange or out of the context I think things are going when we’re talking.”
“Well pretty lady you… (She steps up and kisses me.) are…(More kisses.)…very… (More kisses.) …welcome. And she finishes the sentence off with a long and very enjoyable kiss and I can’t help but to smile at her when we break the kiss because she makes me feel so good.
It means so much to me that she gets me and that when I do go off on my tangents she really still listens and she still follows what I’m meaning as much as the things that I say.
“You are really amazing Brandy.”
She blushes and I like that. Then she takes my hand and gets her purse and we head out. It’s nice that she opens the car door for me and that she makes sure that I’m in before we go.
I’m still listening to the radio in the cars but I change the station from the CBC radio to Chum FM and we listen to rock and roll music as we head to the university. I’m only part way thinking of the music and not thinking about the drive or the traffic and I even sing along with her on the few songs that I do know but my mind is in the girl…or the image of the girl that was caught up in the anti-virus software that I had written.
What was she?
Not a hallucination I’m very sure about that. Was she an A.I.?
Or was she like me but a younger version?
In theory it’s totally possible since our brain and nervous system works on electrical impulses. The fact that I can seem to do the things that I’ve been doing seem to suggest that in all likely hood I am neither the first to do this nor will I be the last so that begs to question as well what am I.
What are we?
“Identification please.”
“Excuse me? Oh…we’re here already?”
Brandy smiles at me. “Yeah you were either really thinking about something or you were really into the music.”
“I was thinking about things, I am still only partially satisfied with the playlists of radio programming.”
I take out my University I.D. Cards and the guard looks them over and me over then them over and he’s going to… “Excuse me George? I’m in the process of making a few changes since the last time you have seen me. I’m a transgendered woman it seems.”
Brandy snort laughs. “Few changes.”
He looks at me again and he leans forward to squint at me in the car. I have no idea why people do that it doesn’t usually help you see anything any better.
“Huh…I guess you’re you. You look a helluva lot different.”
“Yes mostly it’s the clothes and the make up.”
“Yeah but you’re not stuttering either.”
“Again mostly the clothes and the make up, they distract me from the things that seem to trigger those responses in me.”
He chuckles and passes me back my I.D. and gives us the stub for our assigned parking space. Well actually I have my own space but have rarely used it. But the stub is still for it.
“Well there’s the proof right there.”
“Pardon?”
“You definitely still sound like you when you’d get on a topic.”
“Oh…sorry?”
“No, no heck it’s not a bad thing y’know. I’m a guard and it’s kind of nice that you’ve never talked to me like I wouldn’t get anything.”
“Uhm…occupation has nothing to do with intelligence; even education is just a factor of intelligence.”
“Okay…thanks though and welcome back and if I can say…Madison? You look very nice today.”
I blush. “Thank you George, this is Brandy she’s my very, very significant other. I’ll contact Conrad about getting her a pass.”
“Sure thing that’ll be best. Nice to meet you Miss Brandy.”
Brandy nods and gives him one of her smiles. “It’s very nice to meet you too George.”
I give her directions and she squeals happily when we get there. “Okay this is neat, it’s your old name but you have your own parking spot! I’ve never known anyone with one of those in a place like this.”
“Yes, it is one of the perks when you are a member of the university project staff.”
“So I see, I’m very impressed.”
“Thank You….do you want to come with me?”
“You think I’m allowed?”
“I’ll get you signed in.”
“I’d love to actually I’ve never really been her except a few times at parties years ago. I always found the place intimidating.”
“There is a lot of bureaucracy here and there are a lot of petty little people that use it and jargon words to make themselves feel much more important than the actually are.”
“I thought you loved working here?”
“I do it’s just there is a lot of surprisingly small minds behind large ego’s in most places like this.”
“Oh.”
We head to my therapist first. I get seen by one of the psychology department here mostly because it was easier and I didn’t have to travel. I get in the elevator and 2nd floor… “Bing.”
3rd floor… “Bing.”
4th floor… Brandy takes my hand and we both go. “Bing!”
Then the doors open and I’m smiling as we walk to Dr. Gomez’s office. I step inside and over to the receptionists desk and take out my I.D. and Medicare card and she looks at me in surprise.
I’m not waiting long before she calls me to go into her office. I go in and take a seat and Brandy’s waiting in the office waiting room. Dr. Gomez takes a long look at me and I smile a little nervously at her…count on my fingers.
“It is you Mathew. But it’s Madison now right?”
“Yes it is.”
“You said something to this effect when you wrote to me in e-mail about the changes to your life.”
“I’m transgendered, I’m very sure of it.”
“So it seems so where should we start.”
We start talking and she starts actually with the attack then me recounting it and everything with Brandy and how it affected the change but not so much the change but the aha exposure to some other possibility of being that I had no real idea or concept of until then.
We talk about my dressing and the way it feels right but it comforts me and distracts me at the same time. How I seen really more at ease like this right down to the point where I’m nowhere near as socially over conscious and how my anxiety then had sent my into a deeper level of my Aspergers as a social retreat and defense mechanism.
She and I talk way more than we ever had since I’d been seeing her since before it was hard to admit to things that bothered me or were my triggers. She actually agreed since she’s been Mathew’s therapist for nearly four years that I am transgendered and that I am very lucky to have found my way to being me the way that I have with Brandy despite the assault.
We even talk about me being intersexed which has her very curious but not really surprised as I was never what one would ever call a typical male. I show her my budding breasts and it’s my suggestion not hers and her receptionist is there as well as Nurse Cooper who does duty here from on call for various things and since Dr. Gomez is a real doctor to boot she writes up orders for me to see and endocrinologist and to see another Doctor for a proper exam.
She gives me my carry letter and actually has to explain what that is which gives me even more credibility since it’s more like I’m just being the real me than researching the whole thing for some kind of psychological fix. I don’t really get that too…why would someone fake mental issues…I have them…they’re part of me but I would have loved so much to be normal growing up.
I do get a bit nervous when she talks to Brandy in her office and Brandy is in there for almost thirty four minutes.
I pace and count on my fingers for the last six minutes and forty seconds of it. Though she hugs Dr, Gomez as she comes out and she wipes at her eyes. I step over to her with the tissues. “Are you alright?”
“Yes I’m fine Maddy we talked ad she wanted to know some things about me so she k new what to expect with you.”
“But you’re crying?”
“Happy tears love.”
“Happy tears?”
“Yes, I got to see just how lucky I am to have you in my life from a different angle.”
“Angle…” for a minute my math brain jumped my social brain and I was trying to cross connect geometry with psychology and then…. “Oh…a different point of view.”
“Yes Babe.”
“So happy stuff then.”
“Yeah really happy.”
“Then talking to Dr. Gomez helped you?”
“It was nice and different but I don’t need to see a shrink.”
“But if it helped?”
She kisses me and wraps her arms around me settling them into the small of my back. “I don’t mind talking to them on occasion but they’re just people Madds, they have all this education about mental stuff and emotional behaviors but they color their own reactions into what’s going on and have their own opinions and the diploma there on the wall it doesn’t make them right.”
“Oh………..I…I don’t really understand but I’m sorry? Was I pushing?”
“Yes but in a good way, you care so it’s okay.”
“Are you sure, I’ve done things like this before when just trying to…” I’m weaving a bit on my feet shifting back and forth I can feel the stuff like the ways I’ve screwed up almost hanging around me.
Brandy shifts her hold and pulls me gently out into the hallway and then into the elevator and she leans me into the corner and kisses me long and deeply and holds my face intensely…like she’s holding my in place when me screwing up like this would have sent me over that edge before.
Her next kiss was hard and deep and demanding…even a bit dominant…she…it’s like she’s cornered me to block out the world and is kissing me to put on the brakes.
It works.
Of course it works, somehow Brandy is able to know me more than I really know and understand myself.
“Maddy…look at me. I can’t go to therapy right now because I’m not brave enough. I don’t trust them. When I came out my family sent me to one and he told them that he would fix me of my disease. He forced and drugged me back into that box I had been in growing up and the next time I got out I was so screwed up….I’m still screwed up from that.”
“Sorry…I…I get it now.” I lean in and we do this intimate forehead to forehead stare into each others eyes thing and then I kiss her. “I’ve lived with the can we fix them and give them to me and I fix them all my life.”
2nd floor… (Sniffle.)… We both go “Bing…”
1rst floor…we kiss and softly say smiling. “Bing…”
We go get cleaned up then it’s a quick trip to the university HR department to file for my new status and order my new I.D.’s and get Brandy a visitor I.D. ordered and I take their letter for the departments with me and head to my labs.
I give Brandy my tour and it’s not much really but it’s a lot. I have lots of math and engineering books, computer books about languages and several computers all linked to my own very large tower with all the things I use. I run a lot of simulations mostly using Math and Physics to create real time or real life conditions for one thing or another that we are asked to consult on.
“Wow…” is the first thing Brandy says.
“It is impressive.”
“I’ll say.”
“I thought…I thought that’s what you meant by Wow?”
“I did.” She looks at me and I smile a bit playfully. “You…” She kisses me and she tickles me and I burst out laughing!? I’ve never just laughed where it just like popped out before. Brandy looks at me.
“Oh Wow…”
“What?”
“You…you’ve never laughed by being tickled have you?”
“No, I’ve never been tickled.”
“Never?”
“Not that I can remember. I wasn’t exposed to a lot of physical intimacy with my parents and I never really had friends like that.”
“Oh…”
Then she tickles me again and again and I can’t stop the laughing, I giggle and even squeal. “Brandy!”
Then she’s kissing me and I feel so alive and human and normal.
Human and normal are good things…When you have Aspergers and are Autistic it’s so much like you aren’t really from the same planet as other people. You look like them, talk their language but you aren’t really like them.
Unless somehow, some way you have a Brandy.
The solution to all my most daunting equations.
“Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my lab!”
We stop making out and I see Darla Smith glaring at us from behind her glasses.
“Pardon me but this is not your lab. It’s mine.” She seems angry, she can’t be lost she works in this department too only just down the hall.
“Like hell it is. I don’t know who the hell you think you are but this is my lab.”
“No you work down the hall.”
“No I work here, I was down the hall but I was next in line for this space. I’m not having some little…you’re not going to just transfer into this department and swoop in and take the best lab in the building.”
“This is Mathew’s lab.” Maddy says to her.
“This was that…this was his lab but he’s to behind on his projects and had an unfortunate encounter or some such and I’m going to be taking over.”
“Actually you won’t I’m already done the artic deep probe project and simulations and cost analysis.”
“Who gave you that information, those were my projects!”
“No I wasn’t done with them.”
“What do you mean YOU weren’t done with them.”
“I think that this might help clear up the confusion.” I pass her my HR letter and my carry letter. She re-reads them twice…stares at me, then at them and then at me again then she does this head to toe long look and she seems to get angrier? Brandy snatches my papers from Darla’s hands before she started to crumple them and she looked that mad at her for a moment it looked like Darla might try to strike her.
“Mathew…I thought that you weren’t likely to come back at all?”
“No, there was some very hard times after the attack and the break in that I might have folded in on myself and hid from the world but Brandy saved me,”
“Oh and this is Brandy?”
“Yes, she is as they say my better half.”
“I never thought I’d hear you say something that normal, you’re getting better…”
“Yes, I am thank you.”
She looks me over again. I seem to have caught her eye for some reason and she has this odd look like she is experiencing something unpleasant. Then she looks at Brandy, looks her over and I see it…
She’s sneering at her.
“Brandy is it?”
Brandy nods. “It’s nice to meet you Miss?”
“Doctor Smith actually. I’d have thought you’d be named Crystall or Shaniqua maybe…”
“Pardon me?” Brandy say looking sort of shocked and surprised.
“Oh nothing…Mathew you’ve made some interesting choices I’m sure you’ll fit right back into campus without any problems.”
“Just what do you mean by that?” Brandy says.
There’s that sneer again…
She laughs this little laugh and starts to leave. “Brandy dear, maybe go back to school and listen this time instead of…you might get what I’m saying the first time around instead of being on your kne…”
SLAP!!!
It just happened…I couldn’t help myself!
The look on Darla’s face is shock and then rage. “How dare you you little faggot freak!”
I push her up against the wall. “Shut up bitch!”
She swings on me to claw at my face and I catch her wrist. “Let go of me! Help!”
I get in her face. “I know I’m different, I’ve always known it and you can say whatever you want about me because to me Darla you don’t matter, you never did, you never will. But Brandy is the best thing that has EVER happened to me and you snidely insulting her and putting her down and trying to make her feel less than what she is just to get back at me…”
And I lean in right to her face. “Is NEVER going to happen again.”
She looks like she might say something else snide. “Right!” I yell it at her.
“R..right…”
I shove her away from me. “Get out of my lab, and stay out you’re banned.”
She runs out crying and after a good lead away from the doors swearing. I stare at the doors and then to Brandy who’s hugging herself and smiling at me and fighting back tears.
I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her. “Happy tears?”
(Sniffle-Glomp.) “Yuh-huh.”
“I did good?”
“I…you did good…Maddy…baby you did so much better than good.”
“I’m glad…ow…I think I bruised my hand.”
(Sniffle-Glomp.) “God I love you Madison.”
“Thank you Brandy…I’m not easy to love.”
“Yes you are…yes you are.”
Encrypted-12
Chapter 12
I lean into Brandy and she’s leaning into me and this is where my brain really understands that I’m a transgendered woman. It’s this.
It’s where we have this soft way of melting into each other’s care where I don’t have to pretend to be strong when I’m just not equipment to be. It’s lying in a way and I’ve never been good at lying. Yes I didn’t know and that sort of makes it okay but it was a lie of omission to me at least which is why I didn’t know.
But now it’s like Brandy and I were made to be this, that we both are who we really are and sometimes soft needs soft back.
It’s almost as just as perfect as a lovely simple equation. I can feel it as we kiss and we almost are melding into each other her curves and my well not so curves but it will happen. It’s just feeling right.
And that’s a very powerful thing because when you have a too literal person like me. For me to feel something on a gut instinct level and completely get it in the same way as everyone else would in the same situation is…
Well.
I’ll tell you this much those of us with AS. We well and truly know that we’re different. That we fixate on things that we should let go but we can’t, that we try to follow the flow of the topics around us and we try to fit into the peer group and join in only to be completely off base to use a baseball metaphor. We know these things, we know that we are different and strange and we have these moments of OCD and other strange things going on and we just have a hard time fitting in.
Well.
It hurts, even if you have something else going on than what I was talking about when you’re different a lot of the time it’s not a wonderful thing. It sucks and it hurts and I hate it. I’ve hated it for most of my life. I can deal, I have to, but those who aren’t different they won’t get it.
They won’t get home much fitting anywhere means to us and to find love, and to feel normal? Really normal. I think I might even be getting a handle on having happy tears of my own.
Despite Darla we get into kissing pretty heavy with each other until we heard voices getting closer and one was Darla’s and the other was Kenneth Livingstone, the head of the department.
I was starting to get separated to smooth myself out when Brandy kisses me deeply as Kenneth enters and I feel her hands slide over my bum and my skirt. I’m sure he didn’t miss any of it.
He coughs and we pull apart and I take a Kleenex and blot the lipstick.
“Madison now right?” He’s holding a copy of the letter. I think it was “Send-all’d” to the different departments.
“Uhm yes, Is there a problem Kenneth?”
“No actually it makes sense to me.”
“Pardon?”
“I just found that you wee floundering with you condition in regular life. I’ve seen a few people that had AS and other similar things that have turned out to be different on the gender spectrum than what they were taught to present to the world.”
“Really?”
“Well it’s not common but it’s certainly a phenomenon in the Transgendered community.”
“You seem to know a lot about trans issues.”
“Well you’re hardly the only transgendered person in Toronto Madison.”
I blush at that. “I know sorry Kenneth it’s still a revelation for me.”
“I can see that. It suits you, and you haven’t stuttered yet.”
“I know…” I can’t help smiling at that. My stutter was one of the things I hated the most about myself. It feels so good not to anymore.
“Well as to the reasons why I’m here.”
“Darla.”
“Well that’s part of it. But I can handle her. She’s been after your job and research since you went on your leave of absence.”
“I figured that out, she’s still mad I wouldn’t sleep with her.”
“Pardon?!” he says surprised.
“When I first got the lab she wanted to be my assistant and she didn’t understand the work at all and she was rubbing and touching me saying that didn’t matter. I didn’t understand how her lack of knowledge couldn’t matter but I now know she was trying to seduce me.”
“I’ll look into that.”
“She’ll deny it. It will be my word against hers.”
“Still, she has produced some work from the other labs that looked suspect to me where it’s not her specialty.”
“She’s likely trying to ladder climb to get a private industry job.”
Brandy looks at me. “Wait, there’s science types that sleep their way to the top?”
Both Kenneth and I stare at her.
I nod. “Yes hon., if she gets enough of a reputation she’ll be picked up as a corporate department head and she’ll hire really smart people to cherry pick their work from and claim as hers and make money.”
“She’s hot though why not just model or something?”
“A good patent can be worth million, tens of millions even.”
“Oh shit, and she wanted to steal your work?”
“Yes, I think she thought she could use her sexuality to sway me to be her workhorse.”
Brandy get’s really frowny. “Madds? Just how many thinks are you working on?”
“Including just theories?”
“Yeah…”
“Likely a few hundred.”
“Wha….” Her jaw drops but Kenneth just nods and says. “Miss, Madison is a genius but like most people that are in R&D we’re like writers full of ideas and things we are working on and always will be. I’ve got a score or more of my own side projects going too that’d see more time if I wasn’t in administration.”
I nod emphatically. “Some might never get done but that’s like it is really.”
“I think that’s what she was after.” Brandy says looking angry.
“I’m not following honey.”
“I think she got those guys to beat you up. She was at the mixer right?”
“Yes….”
“So she drugged you there and let them do her dirty work.”
“We can’t prove it.”
“No…but we can talk to Tayo and he’ll have an idea of what guys maybe to look for.”
I look at Kenneth. He looks unhappy. “If she did this we’ll need proof, but if this Tayo?”
“Oh the investigating detective.”
“If this Tayo does find these guys and they talk then she’s out of here.”
Brandy looks at him. “You really don’t like her much do you.”
“She’s one of those headaches I inherited from the last director. Always at my office about someone who wronged her or something she wants. Plus she’s a bit of a racist.”
“I noticed…” Brandy say’s hugging herself looking a bit angry.
“Oh she only insinu-sults enough not to be dinged for actually saying the horrible things that she implies.”
“Yes, she insulted Brandy’s character and how smart she is based on her ethnic and her gender. I had to…I got angry and banned her from my lab.” I slip over to hold her.
“And that I can uphold at least. If she makes you that uncomfortable at least especially since she has nothing to do with your projects.”
“Good, thank you Kenneth.”
“That’s not a problem but I wanted to go over the project notes you sent me because I might have to go to Vancouver to go over it with the engineers for the company.”
He looks stressed.
“And you need to learn the material.”
“Yes and you were rather extensive again.”
“I’ll go.”
“You’ll go? You don’t travel or do well in meetings.”
“I’ll go, if I can take Brandy with me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, well not about flying but I think with Brandy I’ll be okay.”
“Planes are safer than cars honey.” Brandy says.
“Yes but I’ve never flown so I don’t know how I’ll react.”
“Okay she can go, and since she’ll be helping I’ll get her on file.”
“HR has her stuff for her pass.”
“Great, can you be there for Monday?”
“Get us ca flight for Friday yes.”
“Alright then I’ll contact you with everything.” He shakes our hands like we’re the women we are and kisses my cheek politely. “Welcome aboard Madison.” He leaves and he’s not gone long before I hear Darla yelling at him in the distance.
“So…” I look at Brandy. “How would you like to spend the weekend in Vancouver?”
She hugs me and kisses me. “I’d love too! I’ve never actually been there before and I’ve always wanted to go.”
“Good, you might earn it though. I’m already nervous.”
“I’ll be there honey.”
“Will Kevin be good with you not dancing?”
“He’ll have to be. I wasn’t going to do that forever.”
“You couldn’t…oh…”
“Yeah, oh…I want more from myself Maddy especially since we’ve gotten closer and closer.”
“Me too, you open things in myself that were locked, blocked away.”
“Like air travel?”
“Yes, like travel period. You know I have an ulterior motive?”
“Oh?”
“I want to see you in a nice hotel, and out just shopping…I want to see your face when it lights up.”
“Madds, you don’t have to treat me fancy and stuff. I’m not like that.”
“I know but Vancouver is a shopping city…I..I want to go too, and I’ve never done these things either, I want to share…I want to share Joy with you.”
She bites her lip and presses against me and we kiss.
“Okay…especially since you say things like that.”
“Like what?”
“I Love You Madison, I really do.” She kisses me again and I’m still a little trying to put it together before I get it…I think. I’m glad she likes me saying the things from my heart. I’m glad the things from my heart don’t chase her away but bring us closer.
I’m glad that she’s mine.
I love her so much more than I thought I could love anything.
Encrypted-13
Chapter 13
Three hours later.
We had somehow gone through traffic and to the police department all the while being very amorous….and we were touching and kissing each other even through me “Binging.” through the elevators.
I think Brandy is in her higher functioning happy mode.
That was a joke.
I like that she Bings with me.
It’s odd that such a small thing means so much to me emotionally.
Tayoshi was actually interested in what we thought and what we gad said about Darla. You hear all the time about police that don’t care and don’t want a lead from the people involved but he was different.
“I can’t go after her without proof but I think that you might be onto something there. I didn’t like her much when I was interviewing her. I can’t go after her directly but this’ll give me a direction to find the thugs that jumped you.”
“Thank You Tayoshi. Are you sure this helps?”
“Certainly does. Not to be crass but a woman like that uses sex as some of her stock and trade. These guys sound like knuckle heads really and if she did then they’ll have said something to someone.”
I hugged him and then Brandy and I went home.
I suppose that with everything that had happened today my usual stresses are sort of under the radar and things. But I can’t keep my hands off of her and her hands off of me once we get home.
“God Maddy, take me to bed? I want you so badly right now…”
“I want that too. I feel always this way when you are kissing me and wanting me and touching me…”
“Really?”
“Yes…the thought of being wanted by you is very erotic to me.”
“Mmmm…..” She’d say more but we are kissing on our way to the bedroom.
We get there and I sink to my knees and free “Penny”
I giggle…I blush very deeply after that. I don’t giggle, or never giggle…even laughter is rare I’ve always been self conscious of my laugh.
“What’s so funny…oh…!”
I pull my mouth clear of her. I can’t help but smile. “I just understood the “Free Willy” jokes.”
I smile at her and slip my lips over her hardness.
“Maddy…stop.”
I stop and look at her. “Am I doing this wrong?’
“No…Put your hair up…”
“Put my hair up?”
“Yes?”
I put my hair up, I try to make it neat too, like I’ve got an appointment. “Is this?….”
“Oh god fuck yes!, you’re so hot like this…”
?
Oh.
Oh!
I pull off “Penny.” and suckle and kiss other areas… “Brandy, tell me more? Tell me why?”
“Okay…ooohh…ah…okay…”
I return to “Penny”
“You look so beautiful today…professional, elegant…sexy…god, the whole school thing and the professional thing it’s just so lovely…the hosiery…the look…just so femme…but strong femme like in the old movies…Hepburn, McCall, Jayne Mansfield…”
I get it, this I get and the images of these women are they and the way they dressed and moved and breathed…the clothes, that strong woman they so often played but just so…
She see’s me like this?
That feels so good!, so right?
I stop, and I use one hand to stroke in a gentle way and I take out my compact… “Hold still lover.” I hold the compact in my stroking hand on top of poor hard “Penny.” and hold it still and use the other hand to apply fresh lipstick…letting my eyes flick up to her face and she’s staring at me her body just shivering in a good way.
I let the compact fall and lick my lips and take “Penny” into me.
“Mmmm…shiny…Maxx-Factor Love…”
“Mm..Maddy!”
I’m rewarded by her release….her fingers in my hair…I pull them out and free of my hair.
I stand and kiss here sharing the creamy bounty. I run my hands over Brandy and we start to undress each other. I am in envious love of the sweet lushness of her body. I kiss, touch, fall in love again with just how beautiful and amazing she is.
Concentrate…Zeros and ones, zeros and ones…I don’t change things but install a program? We all use electricity, well in everything…nerves, wires, even a program is just huge amounts of on’s or off’s.
I turn up the gain on our sexual parts, just more energy to the nerves, to the pleasure centers….We make love…I love being inside of her but this is so…..so…so good…our breasts touching, nipples gliding…falling into sexual fever as we get to where the nerves are filled with data, sensory experiences and when we hit overload…we reach orgasm…
After orgasm, after orgasm…the male like ones were first until we ran dry…then the other ones, the much more female ones continued….one after another and another…sweating, drenched…tired, so tired and sore from reaching peak after peak and not being used to the muscles and parts that you use when doing those things.
“Penny and Jayne” They’re useful and still easily awake because of the signals but despite that…we’re actually making mad passionate lesbian love. I love when Brandy is inside me, love it and all that entails but I also know deep in my certainty that I will get things changed, I will become the woman I am inside.
I’m not even upset about being in process, or even upset over being Mathew. When I was Mathew I simply didn’t know? Do caterpillars know they will become butterflies? No, but in the chrysalis stage? Perhaps this is where they dream of it.
I can draw a comparison like that now. I like it actually. I like being more emotionally there that I’m getting better at using imagery.
I undo the enhancement both of us just spent and I could not handle anymore. My mouth is dry, we’re both still sweating and glowing and crying and cuddling as we’re aswirl of all those positive love chemicals.
We pant and cool down, slippery cuddle and I’m feeling so disjointed and unsettled and strange, good but so strange.
I end up entwining with her and staring into those my new universe eyes of hers and she’s staring at me and there’s smiles there and more and more and she just has these huge tears spilling out from her eyes as she says… “Joy…”
I get where it came from, I get what it means exactly and yes…yes! It’s joy! And I’m hit with this tidal wave of emotions and chemicals and hormones and I’m happy…I am happier than I’ve ever been in my life and I am crying? I’m crying and sobbing and Brandy is too and we’re holding each other and bawling and kissing and I’m shaking…I’m actually shaking with all these good things.
I’ve heard of love, and love hurts and…I feel…I feel US so much!…I feel Brandy so much and how impossible but true these feeling are! I can feel my soul?
I have a soul.
I feel whatever it is I’ve been doing writing more of Brandy, about Brandy deep into my own code.
I’m falling into sleep soon after Brandy as well and I set my self? To ten minutes before her alarm will go off for work.
I have her arms around me and she’s holding me, pressing into me and I’m drifting into sleep really heavily.
“Brandy…”
“Mmmm-hmm?”
“I’ll find you.”
“Mm..wha?”
“I’ll find you…always, forever…I’ll find you.”
“Huh babe, you lost me?” she says it softly kissing the back of my hair.
“If anything happens, if we die. I’ll find you.”
“Madd’s?”
“I’ll find you…I promise.”
……………………………….....I fell asleep until the alarm inside me went off and I’m sore…but I feel also like never before at the same time.
I feel like.
I feel like I’m an astronaut. I feel like this love is like the wonder they had at really taking that first long personal look at earth. Moved by their feelings into a new person on a cognitive and emotional way.
I get up and go and make coffee and make her some scrambled eggs, toast her a bagel add some cream cheese and a slice of tomato. I take the coffee and go to her as the alarm goes off.
She wakes in a moany-mumble and her hair…the way the sheets fall off her breasts and puddle around her.
“You are beautiful, Brandy.”
“Huh…?”
I lean in and I kiss her…my lips soft on hers and I do that deep thing, that over and over tasting her thing and she returns it as she gets more awake.
“Here, coffee just the way you like it.”
I love the look she gives me. The way she cups her hands around the mug and looks at me. I love the way that she can look at me over the event horizon of the mug and becomes something different? I love the fact that she makes that cup of coffee seem like it has so much value? I sort of understand, I sort of get the ideas behind the romantic feelings I’m having.
But how she does that? Changes herself, alters the world, changes me. Brandy is just simply magic.
“Thank you beautiful…It’s amazing…I’m going to drink this as I’m getting ready.”
“Okay I have to go check the food.”
“You cooked?”
“A little.” I smile for her as I slip back down the stairs. Tend to the food…count…oh the fact I haven’t had a shower yet is ticking away at me and the strong urge to go and make the bed too.
No…lots of time…later.
Keep everything just so, just ready.
Brandy comes down and I love that look too. Freshly showered her hair wet and styled just easily so she can do more at the club. Then there’s her outfit. Long sleeved pink tee-shirt with yoga pants. But she looks so amazing. Soft, lush, beautiful.
I kiss her again that slow over and over again kissing thing as soon as she’s near. I take her mug. “More coffee?”
“Please.”
I make more but I have to use a fresh mug and spoons. Sugar cubes…I can’t put a spoon it sugar once it’s stirred. Well I can but I need a new spoon. Cubes are easier and more…right.
We eat and she’s smiling and making me feel good about everything that I did without even having to say it. I’ve never seen someone drink in the sight of her place at the table all laid out for her.
All the extra time was so worth it. We kissed a lot and for nearly a full seven minutes before se had to go.
………………………………....It took me about two hours to clean everything up and myself and the bedding and I’m having a coffee as I’m going through Brandy’s computer and my programs that I had written there. I’m looking for clues.
I find in after a long search through the anti-virus things that I had written. There’s this incredibly complex macro of coding. It’s like the more I decode it the more that there is?
Then the oddest thing.
It comes loose?
I’m holding this wriggly thing in my hand, the energy wasn’t native to Brandy’s computer or my security programs. I keep playing with the coding until I get to where I think I can reverse engineer the math of it into it’s base numbers.
I use my energy to nudge it’s energy and it shimmers like that little girl getting brighter and brighter until it goes out in a tiny flash,
And I’m holding a long strand of shiny black hair.
But does that mean?
Encrypted-14
Chapter 14
A shiny black hair…
I had the distinct feeling that this was a somebody and not a something when I had seen her. But what does this mean? Was she able to break herself down into pure information?
Oh the implication of that have me there for likely an hour just staring at the thread.
Teleportation?
Like Star-Trek?
But in wide, wide theory this could be plausible. We are all made of energy? Matter breaks down into energy, but can energy become matter? Not that we know of but…
But if you could flip the right switches, get the encryption right then in theory anything is plausible.
Anything.
I get back onto Brandy’s computer and I start to sink into it, getting to where I let go of the way my body responds to do things and where my energy that flows into my nerves to control what I do and match it to the power that lets the computer do the things the keyboard tells the computer tells it to do.
It’s like I’m plugging into the system.
I’m trying to trace the programming that was in the macro-thing that was the single hair. She hasn’t left things behind either but I try to follow her logically. To the server, and then go through the access logs and try to see where she’s been.
I’m not even sure how I’m doing the tracking but it’s like an instinct? That’s very strange for me. Instinct naturally me…it has never been my friend, never something that I’ve been good at.
Maybe I’m having women’s intuition.
But I can follow her?
City networks?
Traffic camera’s.
Oh…
Oh that is so…
I’m linked to one of the traffic camera’s and at first it’s like looking through the camera then like my eyes are adjusting to a light level I’m seeing through the camera like I’m there high up in the air.
It’s very strange.
I do this several times as she’s been through a lot of these and she’s jumped into other places. The C.N. Tower camera systems. Galleries, some of the…
She’s touring?
She’s seeing Toronto wherever she wants to see through this camera thing she’s doing.
Again oh…
I loose her when she get’s into the Detroit server farm for Sprint and there’s just too much for me to track like her path has been wiped out by the sheer volume of the signals going back and forth.
I actually try what she’s done and take a bit of a look around Detroit but I have no plan so it’s more like being curious or nosy. I’m definitely though going to try and use this again. Before the trip to Vancouver.
I pull out of things and it’s pretty late and I could sleep but I don’t want to not without Brandy. I go looking for an envelope for the girls hair. I’ll take it into the labs tomorrow. I should be able to get some help with this. There’s a lab thing in the chemistry and the biology departments where you can tell where someone’s been or id from by the trace elements trapped in their hair.
I’ll ask around and hopefully not have to beg the favor. Though by looking at it it’s maybe oriental? But then middle eastern women and Indonesian women have this too.
I set it aside and lacking things to really do I run myself a nice long hot bath and put on some music actually it’s one of Brandy’s relaxation CD’s with Cello and violins and some woodwinds mixed in with the background sounds of steady rain.
Soothing.
I sink into the hot water and smile a little as I really feel the heat in my nipples. I relax and just soak in the heat and actually gently explore the sensations from my newly starting breasts. I think a lot about this, about myself and my body and that leads to me sort of meditating and slipping inside of myself in the tub…exploring the systems of my own body. There is just so much information! There’s just so much to see and to learn!
But I’m looking for two things, and I actually find them…sort of…it’s more like I write it like a program into the information encoded in my blood cells. I send a command to hopefully increase the production of my natural female hormones I produce and hopefully sent a command that will send an increased amount of resources to my breasts.
I feel tied after doing it, like the half an hour it actually took me a lot longer in my head. It’s almost the same mental feelings as I had the last time I had spent too many hours behind a computer programming. I sink my head back and under the water and relax…sort of.
I find the underwater sensory deprivation very soothing. It’s like shutting out the world in a good way and things are muffled by the water enough I can sort of enjoy one of the few dreams I consistently have and enjoy.
Me swimming in tropical waters, that blue you always see on TV. But I’m swimming underwater this time as a girl, well a woman and it’s so much better. The though of the water over my sleek body has me aroused. Or my nipples and budding breasts. I cup them and very slowly massage.
Oh…
Oh it is really very good.
I bite my lower lip and I close my eyes and do the familiar thing…send more energy to my breasts…turn up the signal gain…more and more as I gently massage my breasts thrust my chest against my hands and it’s like…I’m feeling so much…feeling stars and whirls and fantasy shapes of energy behind my eyes as my brain makes art out of the things going on in my brain and I hit critical mass inside and I release into the water…and I whine.
And keep going…
My maleness doesn’t keep releasing but the feelings, the orgasms keep going until I’m limp and sweating in the cooling water and my body’s cells feel saturated with this sensual energy…
Is this what being female really can be?
I want more.
It’s an effort to get out of the bath then I Have to scrub the tub clean. I just have too…The thoughts of dead skin in there wouldn’t let me do anything else. I go after that and clean everything else and put all of the towels and my clothes to wash.
I head downstairs in fresh underwear and a bra and make something to eat. I’m actually hungry but I want to wait until Brandy is home. I defrost some a chicken in a bowl of hot salted water. I touch the water and the chicken and with a bit of my own energy? I write an equation in my head to speed the rate of thermal absorption without cooking the meat. It’s mostly heat and cold displacement and there’s more than enough heat to actually do the work it’s like it just needed a tweak to the physics.
I wash my hands twice. It’s chicken.
I make some toast and eat it with some of the peanut butter that Brandy and I bought. Organic and more importantly it came in a glass jar. I really dislike plastic most of the time. I can live with the hard kinds but I can’t handle the slippery plastic bags and cling wrap…It almost feels like it attacks me.
Yuckers as Brandy sometimes says.
I busy myself with making baked potatoes. Just simple ones mostly done in the microwave and then I’ll finish them in the oven. The chicken…I cut it down the spine and spread it out in the roasting pan and I rub salt and pepper and thyme and a bit of sage together in her mortar and then shake it over the chicken trying to get it coated really well and put it into a hot oven.
I clean everything really well. It’s chicken.
And through all of this I’m listening to music. Actually I turn the usual stuff off and put in some of Brandy’s street styled music. I’ve seen the dancing they do on the videos, I’m a good dancer there’s math in dance and I’ve seen what Brandy and the girls do. I try and emulate that, I try to move with it, with the beats and feel it.
Feel the woman in me…
Come on Madison…come on I can do this…it’s hard, it’s really hard I’m not that flexiable, I’m stiff moving, person that lives in her head more than she ever lived in real life.
It’s really disheartening when I trip.
For the fifth time…
I can change things, do these amazing things…I can dance anything formally but this, this slinky sexy beautiful way of moving evades me.
I’m so usually in control of myself but the fifth time was just too much and I curled up and was holding my knee with the carpet burn and crying when like magic Brandy was there.
She kneels down with me and kisses my knee. The leans over and kisses me and wipes away my tears. “You cooked?”
“Cooking…” (Sniffle.) “Cooked would be it was done.”
“Okay.” She smiles that amazing smile for me. “Missed a step?”
“Yes…”
“Not usually your music honey?”
(Sniffle.) “I wanted to dance for you…I wanted to be sexy for you.” (Sniffle.)
“Oh Maddy, you made…you’re making supper, the house looks great and you’re here waiting for me in your sexy cute underwear with these tiny wild strawberries on them…Baby you are so sexy to me.”
“I am?”
“Of course you are, you’re the girl that I love.”
(Sniffle.) “Sorry…”
“I know, you’ll get used to being loved back I promise.”
“I’m trying…”
“That’s all I’ll ever ask honey…try, live, love…”
“I want to I really want to….”
Brandy leans over again and kisses me to the carpet so perfectly…so amazingly… “Let me show you…I want to show you…”
She slips out of her skirt, then starts to undo the blouse and the buzzer goes off.
“Now I cooked.”
I’m not sure I get why she smiled so much or why she had happy laughter as she fell forward and laughed into my tummy.
But it’s still good.
And Brandy loves me.
Encrypted-15
Chapter 15
I gasp a little happy gasp as Brandy does this thing to me. She spends time kissing and tonguing out my navel?
I’m still new at intimacy so I’ve never heard of this and there’s this sort of feeling it sort of not feeling it thing at first.
If you’re wondering…take a finger and trace your belly button. Then wet your finger, close you eyes and do it again.
Now picture nibbling teeth, warm lips, and a curious tongue.
And then her hands and nails sliding up my body and cupping my tiny breasts in her hands and kneading them gently.
There’s this little tug of her thumb and forefinger on my nipples that makes me whine and lift in an arch off the floor.
Brandy murmurs sexily into my midriff. “Do it again Maddy…god that’s sexy…”
“I…uhnnn….’kay…” My brain is just…I still have the signal gain turned high on the nerves of my breasts. A few more kneading moments and another gentle tug of my nipples…one...two…three…times…more…I nearly have a boobgasm…I arch and feel my eyes roll in the back of my head.
I am so used to not feeling…I’m so used to being in control that this is just…just amazing.
Is this another girl/womanhood thing being able to go freefall? Just let go and be loved?
I said before.
I want more of this.
I can feel these feeling inside of me like things are actually aligning inside of me like the real me was hidden from life…even from me by this hugely complicated lock…and there’s more of the tumblers clicking into place.
Brandy does it again and between that and the so strange but really good navel action I’m getting it takes me over the edge into having a breast orgasm.
(Breathy gasp.) “Brandy…”
It’s about all I can articulate as I get awash with those sweet sensations and they’re so darned real to me…not like the things I’d ever experience as Mathew but this is like.
It’s like I’m the water…and brandy is sunlight but at the same time she’s making me bubble up and that’s making rainbow like refractions in my world.
It’s something that I honestly wish that I could share with others like me…I’ve read up in parts on being transgendered and to be locked like this…sealed away from the person that you really should have always bee just barring some odd and cruel random factor in their self equation.
How many people are living in this world where their lives don’t add up?
“Brandy, Brandy…Brandy…”
You make me feel so alive.
She slides her way down my body and she takes her hands and moves mine to replace hers on my breasts and she pulls my bottoms off.
My bit is freed and sort of stirs then slowly comes to life as she takes her into her mouth. Hot and wet and passionate…the feel of her lips, the tilt of her head and the swirling of her tongue.
“Oh Maddy…I love it when you flower blooms for me…” she coos? Sort of breathily on it, to me. This is part of the good parts of sex it’s so alive and intense but confusing too…I like this but should I? I want to be complete and fully functionally the woman I should have been but I like this.
I love this…can you feel like this and still want what I want?
I don’t understand at all where I fit in with things like sexuality. I am not attracted to men…this much I know and there’s just been a few that sort of catch my eye in that he is nice to look at way but I have no desire to be with one.
But even as Brandy is taking me into her wonderful experienced sexuality part of me is beginning to ache for “Penny”…and I think that brandy feels the same way. I think that she really wants to complete her journey as much as I do but I know she enjoys being inside of me.
Oh…inside of me…
“Brandy…? Please…please I want you…I want you inside of me…connect into me…please…?”
She smiles her dark yet sort of pink tinged lips around me and the pure suction increases. Her fingers caress my little pearls and her other hand…fingers sink into to me until she touches that pleasure spot.
Massage, massage…sucking…head moving…fingers moving and it feels like this super spirally climb into ecstasy. My hips are moving and bouncing off the floor in needful bursts to keep this frenzied feeling of hyper connection and it’s so connected that when I’m whining into my orgasm that I’m squeezing my little boobs and she’s cupping and squeezing my little pearls and the twin sensations of that…Brandy’s fingers massaging that inside me pleasure center and he sweet talented mouth….It’s so good and so pure I nearly faint as my pleasure centers overload.
I’m panting like I’ve just run a marathon when she moves her fingers more, then lube?…and she lifts my legs over her pretty shoulders and sinks into me with her own inhale of satisfaction.
I’m not sure what I love more about this…the way it feels being filled by her hardness and the warmth in me or the way that it feels to m spirit? My subconscious me? With my legs up over her shoulders…deeper and deeper in and Brandy leaning over me almost folding me over on myself until she kisses me and her tongue slips in and she shares her mouthful of me.
It keeps going just like Brandy sinking into me and her breasts ad mine gliding over each other nipples touching and hardening. It happens by instinct this time…I feel my code shifting towards hers…there’s so much overlay between us it’s so easy to fall into sync. The charges from our nervous system jumping to each other…every inch of her feeling sensory pleasure from her nerves as mine wake them up and every nerve inside me responding to each stroke of hers.
Then breasts…then our skin itself…like every touch is like our nerves feeling it like an erotically charged eye of the storm toy.
It get’s to this point where Brandy picks me up and carries me to our bed. It wasn’t a display of man strength but one of my lover, my girl and I’m not really too heavy but she’s in really great shape from all that dancing.
It was a wonderful night…morning after that with her taking me to that place away from my cage to the free place that’s her universe.
Then I make love to her…I really like being inside of her but I love her skin….even more than her breasts I think. I love the scent of her body, the taste of her skin…I love this whole experience as we slow down but still make love…touching…trailing fingers feeling the interplay of her nerves on mine, mine on hers…yes we might have those parts of us still and find pleasure there but the biggest part of that I honestly think we get the most pleasure out of pleasing each other…two women falling in love with built in toys…
There is even something so perfect afterwards in how we curl into each other…face to face, breasts touching legs slipping together and falling into the deepest of sleep lulled there by exhaustion and our after glow.
………………………………............. I Dream.
I know that I’m asleep but I’m also awake and I’m in this place. Not an odd place but a curious one. Things seem sort of normal until I see him. This young black man or rather teen. Skinny and with a head full of those braids you see them wear. Not the Jamaican ones but braids. He’s in this apartment that frankly has seen much better days but it has a nice touch. Homey in a way.
He’s studying? No those are women’s magazines and catalogs…no he is studying them. He looks up at a sound and there’s this little black child there staring and watching him and the boy has one arm firmly around a blues clues dog. But the eyes are focused in a different way than…it’s like he’s looking at the black teen and not at the same time. Like he’s seeing something else.
The young man smiles at him. I know that smile…oh…Brandy? He has her face but not as matured or shaped…the eyes are the same, the same soul.
“Morning Sonny you want breakfast yet?”
The little boy shakes his he in a definite no. “Juice before breakfast.” And that was a fact.
I follow them into the kitchen and Brandy-not-Brandy yet starts to make juice from the frozen stuff. Well not juice, the yellow plain container of the No-name brand says drink not juice. Bleech essentially frozen pop syrup really. He gives the little one juice in his sip cup and I notice every time he sets the cup down the little one turns it three hundred and sixty degrees before he’ll drink from it.
Then he squeaks and covers his ears as there’s the sound of hip hop starting up somewhere down the hall. It’s jarring and the suddenness of it was jarring to me but the little one seems effected worse by it.
Brandy…he doesn’t seen too happy either. He tenses and starts to make French toast fingers buy cutting the crusts off then using a ruler he kept in the cutlery drawer measures out bread batons two centimeters wide and eight long and marks where to cut with the knife. They look like fish sticks sort of by the time he’s done. He uses the cut crusts to sort of make is own like a French toast fritter. There’s this black girl that comes out and she’s getting dressed into a set of scrubs but she’s not a nurse I would want.
She’s mad at him. She’s getting her coffee and complaining about. “You shouldn’t do that for him, he’ll come to expect special treatment.”
“He likes his French toast like that.” Brandy’s trying to be calm, her even if she’s not her now.
“Well I’d like a lot of things too! He’s not retarded enough that he can’t learn things the specialist said Sonny can lead a normal life if we teach him right.”
“The specialist said he has a chance to Anita. But we have to be patient.”
She glares at him and is powering back her hot coffee and lights a cigarette…I do not approve, you wreck your own health don’t smoke around children. I’m not there and just watching but I swear I can smell the smoke.
“He’s black and he’s got something wrong with him you think the other kids will give a shit about being patient? Like hell!”
I feel like screaming at her.
There’s enough wrong with knowing you’re different. And most of us with Aspergers and related differences we do know we’re different.
But it hurts getting called Wrong…
And Sonny is under the table now and covering his ears and rocking…I want to crawl under there and hug him and rock with him…be his holding tightness.
“Anita…just leave it alone. He’s three.”
“I don’t care if he’s three and the world won’t either.” She reaches under the table and pulls Sonny out by his arms making him it that wall of unexpected violent touch. He reacts badly. “Stop it!, Stop crying and eat your damned breakfast! Stop rocking dammit!” She looks like she might have been going to hit him and she just glares harder at the pair of them and tosses her coffee cup hard enough to bang around in the sink before she storms out of there grabbing a jacket and shooting Brandy one last glare.
“Don’t look at me like that…I’m not the one in the wrong here. People suck, if we’re not tough on him they’ll lock him away or he’ll get hurt….I’ll…I’ll see you tonight.”
She leaves and Brandy slips to the living room and puts a CD on that’s playing this song called “Rainbow Connection” and he sits on the floor of the kitchen behind Sonny and holds him and rocks him like she did me. He sings but lightens his voice to close to the voice I know and Sonny cried a little but mostly stares zoning out…well it’s more like me when I’m getting soothed by something but my head won’t turn off.
When the song is over he kisses the top of Sonny’s head. “Mum kinda ruined breakfast huh?”
Sonny does this bobble headed nod.
“Should I start over?”
“Juice first.”
“Okay…juice first.”
He gets Sonny back at the table and he goes and comes back with leggos. My fingers twitch…I love leggo, I love stuff like that…just beyond soothing. Brandy kisses him on the forehead and says. “I Love You Kiddo.”
Sonny doesn’t say it back but there’s a change in his breathing and posture. He might not know how to put those feelings into words but hat was it right there.
I know that feeling. Relaxing because you’re tensed up because you weren’t sure it was safe, and not taking a full deep breath either…because you can’t. You can’t because it wasn’t alright to relax that much….the hurt inside is like the hurt outside and it gets mixed up like that sometimes with us because you just hurt. How does matter as much as the hurt.
And there some people like us that never get to relax, be safe, breathe because no one cares enough to get it.
Brandy get’s it, he got his son. She gets me…Brandy lets me breathe.
I wake up and she’s getting up and I watch her. It’s like the whole caterpillar butterfly thing people use. I still sort of can see the boy she used to wear. And the amazing person she was then shining in the woman I’m in love with now. I slip into her warm spot letting that be so good, safe, special and I watch her go to the bathroom and take in her scent and just…I smile because I can breathe.
She comes out and smiles at me messing with her hair a little in that sexy way that some black girls get and everything. “I’m hungry, let go and eat that supper you made.”
I smile back. “It’s morning so that’s breakfast now.”
“Okay, I can eat just about anything for breakfast.”
“Me too, working I’d have many meals outside their planning zones and cold.”
“Okay we’ll clean up after breakfast.”
“Okay but Juice first?”
Encrypted-16
Chapter 16
Brandy gives me this sort of sweet smile but there’s some of the whole bits there I can tell that she misses her son. But she reaches out to me and pulls me out of bed sort of by just leading me by my fingertips and I go with her to the kitchen and she does go to the fridge to get us some juice first and I smile as I reheat the food I made.
But part of me is wondering just how do I ask her about such a thing? I don’t like that she’s hurting and I’m pretty sure that the whole dream I was in was a memory dream that I had tuned in of hers.
So do I just come out with it?
I need more time, I do not definitely have enough information about this thing that I’m a part of or discovered. I need to learn and know more about that and I need to find that girl if I can to do that and I need to know more about the legal situation between her and her ex and the custody arrangements.
I do?
Yes I do. Brandy should at least have the chance to be with her child even if she’s transgendered.
I do not like that woman very much and I think there is a very high probability that she had done or said something very underhanded about Brandy.
So.
Taking stock there are only a few things that I can do really.
And given last night’s memory dream or maybe nightmare from her perspective I think that the best thing that I can do is to love and provide.
I know that she has gone without so much. It seems like there is very much of this whole “making do” with what you have for her and others like her.
I have the chicken out of the roaster and I take out the baked potatoes. I stare at them while I try to think of a good way to use them now that they’ve passed the best cooked state. The chicken is easy actually but what can you do with cold and hard baked potatoes?
It hits me in one of those classically mentioned Eureka moments and I stare at the food and I shift my sight to study the equation and do the math in my head to account for heat degradation versus time and the changes to the structure of the food.
I look at the energy inside of me and I sort of extend it out by just a touch and I “turn on” the program that’s the food and I scroll back in the equation until I get to the point of where the chicken is just right and the potatoes too.
And I shove more power into that until it delete’s the code that comes after it.
In an odd sense I just hit the refresh button on supper.
There’s a feeling too from doing that like I definitely used energy from myself doing that however it fits right in with my yawning and having just woken up after our intimacy and sleep.
The chicken is sizzling and the smells waft up from it and I smile. This, this is a good thing. I’m getting more proficient at using the encryption around me. And it smells very good which makes me feel proud of myself because my standards for feeding myself were not very flattering just mostly me set in my way of doing things it is a whole other matter to cook for someone that you love.
Brandy slides up beside me. “Mmmm…even reheated this smells incredible honey.”
“Thank you, but it is very close to the top of my cooking ability. I’m a much better baker.”
“Really?”
“Yes baking is easier for me since it tends to be more precise. Unless it’s bread I have never really gotten the art behind working with yeast.”
“Well this is amazing.”
“You’re worth it Brandy and so much more. Perhaps us finding each other is the equation trying to balance itself out for all of the negatives that we’ve had?”
She smiles and she kisses me and does so several more times before stopping and pulling off some of the skin off of the chicken. I just shake my head at that. It’s something I think if you have crispy skin on a chicken that is almost universal. I even do that, and some how the thought or the normality in that shared thing makes me smile.
I pull off a little more and feed it to her and it kind of just becomes this very, very strange thing. I’ve never really eaten a meal like this. But we use our fingers to pull off the skin and the chicken and feed each other while leaning on the counter and against each other sucking the juices and such off each other fingers and even to where we cut the baked potatoes and slowly feed the wedges we cut them into to each other.
I’m smiling because it’s sexy and fun and so totally not me and at the same time it’s so new to me that my brain and all of her issues isn’t screaming it’s OCD issues at me and I’m just able to enjoy the moment.
It is so nice to shut off all the busy stuff in my brain. I mean that because other than sex and sleep and sometimes not even then it rarely happens.
“Brandy?”
“Yes Love.”
“Are we having lesbian food sex?”
“No love I’m not sure that you’d like the food as a prop in sex. It seems too messy for you.”
“Oh…I’m really enjoying this. So what is this that we’re doing?”
“We’re showing biological mate behaviour.”
“We are?”
“Mmmm…don’t a lot of animals feed their mates? It’s us getting back to that.”
“I like that idea, that this is some how just proof that being with someone we care about and love is more encoded into our programs than what gender or what sexual preference we have.”
“Mmmm…sort of like love first?”
“Uhm….yes, I think so. I love you and I’m certain that the form wouldn’t matter.”
“I so love you Maddy. It’s so amazing that you are just so technically minded and yet you still get things about love.”
“Thank you but before you it wasn’t a variable that I thought that I would ever experience.”
We kiss some more and I am very happy because Brandy gets me. And who I am and the way that I am doesn’t scared her off and it doesn’t turn her off and she can see the me that I want to be instead of the me that I can’t help to be and she somehow is able to make me combined in her head in another whole different equation.
That’s another thing I think might be true. I’m not sure that we write our own code when it comes to how we are perceived. I think that some of our outside programming space is loosely established by the perception of us in others.
Like how I thought I was and others seen me as and how that was sort of the way that I was until Brandy met me and her perceptions opened up the parameters of what I was/am?
She looks at me. “So what are the plans for today?”
“Research on Vancouver.”
“Really like?”
“You and I looking at places to go and to do things and where to stay and where to shop and then we can make out reservations and get our tickets and go.”
“This soon?”
“Yes, I was thinking that I can use some of my vacation time and that we can get better acquainted with the city before I have to be at the meetings to go over my plans and findings about the submersible.”
“Really!?”
I nod but blink a few times. “Yes…did I not just say that was what we are going to be doing? I was pretty certain that you were paying attention to me weren’t you?”
“Yes…..” she has that huge lighting up her area smile on. Then she ducks her head still smiling but shy at the same time. “I’m not used to this Madds; I’m not used to having something this good.”
“I know, and while I might not be a man. I do see part of us together as me giving you things that you have not had since you are doing the same for me.”
“I am?”
“Yes.” I kiss Brandy again and the break it to start the dishes. There’s not many but I have to do them up and she helps me and she puts on some music and she dances with me too.
I love the way that she slips behind me and I feel her breasts against me and the way she slips her arms around me and helps me wash and dry the dishes stopping only at times to hold onto my waist and to guide my hips into the so right back and for hip motion that she has so adapted to.
I even relax and go with the flow of it and record the data as it’s coming into me through my nervous system. I’m slowly getting better but nothing I think compared to the mystery girl.
We finish there and we change the sheets and we make the bed and I get one of the big easy chairs from the living room and carry it into her bed room and we sit in front of her computer snuggled together in that chair Googling and looking things up about Vancouver and the places to go to and things to do and there’s actually a lot of them.
There’s shopping of course and that seems to be big in both of our minds since I am woefully lacking any real female clothing. There’s some galleries that she wants to see. I want to go to the aquarium because I always have wanted to go there ever since I seen my first show of “Danger Bay.”
There’s place to eat and whale watching tours and the Olympic village and just all these things that are things that I would never do on my own. I would have turned down the trip and the chance to leave Toronto before Brandy.
What this does remind me of though….Of how I was actually excited as a child when I could sit with my mother and read through the Sears Christmas Wish book. I really liked some of the toys in there especially the Transformers or Lego sets.
And I think I might have understood what my mother felt like when she’d pick up the phone and call in the things that I would pick out.
I’m getting the same reaction with Brandy as I book our hotel for two weeks in a nice suite at The Rosewood Hotels really downtown and very fancy. I can handle the downtown aspect hopefully. I look at her. “I’ll need your help. This is very outside my comfort zone.”
Brandy kisses me and we nuzzle for a bit and I use my credit card and pay them up front and even talk to the concierge on Skype to make sure that they’ll know us by sight when we get there but to arrange things like a car to get us at the airport.
After that I book us a first class flight.
“Maddy! That’s first class, that’s really expensive can…can…we afford that, I mean can you afford that…?”
She looks shy about the We part.
I nuzzle into her. “Yes, I’ve never spent a lot of the money working for the university and the other side contracts that I’ve done. I had full scholarships so I’ve never had the student loan issues like others so I have the money…WE have the money.”
“We…?”
“I Love You Brandy, I want Us. I want US forever. It is Our Money.”
“Oh……”
I don’t understand the look there happy but with side emotions? Perhaps she thinks that I think that she is with me solely for my money.
“Besides, this will be my very first time in an airplane. I think that’s reason enough to go this way.”
She looks at me and cups my face again. I love that, it’s such this amazing contact between us. She kisses me ever so slowly and ever so sweetly.
“Good?”
“You really don’t know how amazing you are do you?”
“Only in school, you’re the only one that’s ever said that about me.”
“You are.”
“It’s hard to think that about yourself. I was never given that whatever that the really self confident people get when growing up.”
“Well I’m lucky to have you as is. You didn’t need to be raised in a land of bullshit and being better than others to become a great person.”
I blush and she smiles more and kisses me softly again her hands still on my face. I fall into the way that she kisses me. I love the way that she kisses me because when she does all those times that I had noticed my loneliness are getting fixed.
I will still say that people heal us and change us all in the say time as they fill our empty spots with that which they are freely giving to us in love.
We even stay like that for a bit forehead to forehead. Just looking deeply into each other, smiling just because of that and breathing.
I adjust myself a bit and kiss her before guiding her hand to the mouse. “How about you book our flight?”
“Okay…are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. It’s when I am unsure that I do nothing this is doing something.”
Brandy rolls her eyes and smiles. “That sounds like a quote from The Never-ending Story.”
“The what?” I’m looking at her. She smiles and nuzzles her nose on mine. “I have it on DVD we can watch it.”
“I’d…I’d like that but there’s some things that I don’t related to in movies like others do so I might need a translator?”
She huggles into me. That’s where a hug turns into a cuddle. “Deal.”
We get the tickets for our flight tomorrow. She calls the club and I e-mail into work telling them I’m going early and staying late for the meeting and would like to draw this off of my vacation time. I do a little online banking moving some of my money around.
I wasn’t wrong in saying that we could afford it I have made the most of my money in saving it up but also investing it and some in stocks and some in bonds and such nothing that makes me rich not by any means but I have great credit and I have gold cards and enough in the bank to pay off the cards and the money that we’ll be spending there.
Brandy’s looking through her closets. “What should I take to wear Madison?”
“Just what will be comfortable to fly and to sleep in for a night.”
“Huh? I need more than that?”
“I was thinking we could take more things back with us if we buy everything there.”
“Maddy that’s too much!”
“No, I’m looking at my accounts right now and I’m sure that I have enough.”
She stops and looks at me and at the computer. Crosses her arms in that self conscious way. “I mean it’s still too much and you don’t have to pay for me like this or buy me things like that. I’m not like that.”
“I know but I want to shop and buy myself nice things and I want to learn and see you buy nice things and we can use this like we’re celebrating the next step in our lives.”
“What next step?”
“Us…there was how we were pre-Us and then there’s Us now. We can treat in like a barmitzva.”
“Bodmitzva.”
“Really?”
“Yes we’re girls.”
“Oh…but the analogy holds we’re stepping into a new life together.”
“But you’re on the paying end.”
“I’m on the money end, there are far more ways of paying for something that money, money Brandy is just a trade value, an arbitrary one at that. It doesn’t even come close to the value I feel from your smiles, your laughter, your love.”
She looks at me and she has that look on her face that yes…leads to happy tears. I really am not trying to make her cry. I’m not…but seeing I know what I dreamloaded from her. Maybe just these happy tears are her flushing those times out of her system?”
She comes over to me and she sits back on my lap and she hugs me tightly and she hangs onto me and she cries on my shoulder.
“Happy tears?”
(Sob-laugh.) “Yes…”
“Good.”
(Sob-laugh) I hug her a bit tighter and while I’m not the strongest person I do pick her up and carry her from the chair to where I can hold her more on our bed.
Her voice is muffled by my shoulder but still easy enough to make out. “I’ve waited for so long Maddy, so damned long for someone to really tell me that I’m worth something.”
“You are Brandy, You’re priceless to me.”
She hangs on even tighter in that it hurts kind of way but I don’t mind that because she’s crying like something really bad was happening or had happened and now she’s having some kind of emotional PTSD breakdown? I think that can be true, people can only deal with things as much as they can deal with something and the rest will either get shunted away or it breaks us. Hmm, PTSD is like file condensing bad things I think and the file gets opened every once in awhile by accident or comes up in a related search?
I have never been the strong one. I certainly was never fit for the role as a man but as a woman? It fits me, fits the nurture and protect part of me. I hold her knowing how good it can feel to be held and rocked and she cries really hard for the first time since I’ve known her.
I hold her and rock her until my arms are cramping and my legs have started to fall asleep. She’s dozing lightly in that way that the emotionally exhausted do and I slip out of our bed. Pen a quick note.
“No, you’re not dreaming.”
I head to the bathroom and get things ready there and then I find her DVD’s and get some of the quilts she has and put them in the dryer with some dryer sheets and I order out. I have lived very well off take out and I have a few places and I order from the pizza place I like.
They sort of know it’s me by my order. Whole wheat crust with extra sauce and onions and green peppers and red peppers with bacon and hamburger and mushrooms on one. The next one is extra sauce, extra sausage, and onions and anchovies. Both in a nine inch size and the main pizza their pepperoni pizza….extra sauce and extra cheese but the thing is here they don’t slice the pepperoni they grind it like hamburger and they generously coat the top of the pizza with it.
You can only get it from Duso’s and it’s really good. I like the smaller ones for variety. And I actually like anchovies but only with extra Italian sausage to me it’s the only way that they go together and the salt and the smoke go well together.
I don’t order dessert since we’ll be full and then some but this is comfort food to me I hope to her as well. I don’t know since I’ve never seen brandy eat pizza.
I go back to our room and wake her up with little kisses. She opens here eyes and smiles at me and shyly blushes at the same time. “Sorry…I kind of lost it there.”
“It’s okay considering the number of times that you’ve held me while I’ve been shaking apart of in the middle of stress reactions. I ran you a bath and I found the movies and I ordered us some pizzas.”
“You eat pizza?”
“Yes, but really just from one place.”
“Okay, is it good?”
“Best anchovies in Toronto.”
She blinks at me then makes a face crinkling her nose up cutely. She had these little fine freckles that you can see more when she does that. “Eww, fish on pizza is wrong.”
“As opposed to pig butt and intestines?”
“Huh?”
“Bacon and sausage.”
“First bacon is awesome and everyone likes a nice butt.”
“Anchovies are tiny little smoked and salted fillets of fish have you ever had them?”
“No….”
“Then you can at least try them, they are an acquired taste though and I only like them with Italian sausage.”
“Wrecking good sausage.”
“Its Italian sausage and the Italians put them on pizzas.”
“Okay…” she get’s up and hugs me. “Maddy…”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
She kisses me again softly and over and over tasting me for a good minute before she sighs contentedly and heads off to her bath.
I strip and remake the bed. Yes I have to.
I just get done when the pizza arrives and I pay by card but give the kid doing it a twenty dollar tip from my purse. I know where Duso’s is and it’s a bit out of the way to get here and there’s a lot of traffic. Plus this is the only pizza I like in town and I want him to remember me and here. And it’s always nice to get taken for the woman I am even without make up on and just dressed in the casual things I’ve been wearing around the house.
It made me smile when her said thank you ma’am and smiled at me. Miss wouldn’t work, I’m not likely to pass at being a Miss, I’m almost thirty and while I do pass okay mostly because I was never that masculine to begin with I still look like my age.
And I’m alright with that. I get the things set out for the movies and to eat. One of the things I like about them is they provide paper plates and napkins with their delivery. I get two glasses and our two litre of milk out of the fridge. It’s just me…I like to drink milk with my pizza, skim though it’s just better and less thick and colder.
Brandy comes out in her pyjama’s and I set up the DVD of The Never-Ending Story in her DVD player and we snuggle and we eat pizza under the quilts as we’re just doing nothing at all for the rest of the day.
………………………………… (Sniffle-sob!) “No…not Artax!” I’m bawling because…just because No it’s wrong!
Encrypted-17
Chapter 17
To me movies were an odd thing for me. I never really got the chance to be into them like other people because mostly growing up all we had was a poor example of a video store and there was the fact that anything fantasy or science fiction was “that foolishness.” And I had my “head in the clouds enough as it is.”
So being with Brandy and just curled up together watching movies that I’ve never seen before is a huge treat and it’s revealing worlds to me that I really just never got a chance to see before.
I’ve been to the movies a few times since living here in Toronto and I’ve rented and I had bought some but it’s so different now with the way I see and feel things actually being my female self. Seeing life that differently and feeling things like I am is just…
I need to be a girl…a woman.
To fully transition because when you have a big girly cry on your girlfriends breasts because you’re crying over a fictional character dying I’m feeling so explicitly female that I know this is what I need.
Just like I needed the way that Brandy tilts my face up to hers and she looks me in the eyes and she uses her thumb to wipe away the tears there and she kisses me deeply.
I’m so new to things still and still not good with just so much but as weird and of compared to others I am I do really love being kissed.
She’s so strong and so soft at the same time and so beautiful that I want her as much as I want to be like Brandy. It’s not a thing were two separate genders are meeting but this other thing like this deep connected pair bonding.
She’s the other half of my equation.
And not all equations need a positive or a negative number to succeed.
Yes…I like that yes, sometimes right is just right and that can’t be changed by another person’s value system.
I really like that line of thought.
It’s still not quite there with her kissing me or my breasts overflowing with pleasurable sensations as she lays me down on the carpet and then goes from using her hands to bring me such pleasure to her mouth too.
“Brandy…Brandy…blanket…”
“Blanket…Oh yeah rug burn…” She grabs the blanket from the couch and gets it under us all the while still kissing me and making me feel loved and lovely. I love the fact that she can multitask in ways I never can.
“No..no…we don’t have a carpet cleaner.”
It takes a few seconds and then she’s laughing, laughing and kissing me. I even get why and smile sheepishly. I Have to…Have to wash and clean things after sex…It’s not that sex is disgusting and stuff. It’s just I can’t leave a mess…dishes…laundry…I need fresh bed clothes every night.
But Brandy gets me…and that’s likely the best and most romantic thing in the world.
She loves me, she touches me, tastes me…savors me then fills me with love and light and heat…
I get awash with so many feelings.
I had never had intimacy before, it never remotely occurred to me that things like being touched would be pleasurable as much as they are.
And not in what would be the standard erogenous zones either…the small of my back, my sides, my legs….oh I like it when she touches my legs and lifts one to run her hands, her touch over them but also delightfully down from my ankle to calves and under things and inner thighs.
It feels so good and it makes me want to wear pantyhose and stockings just for those sensations…it makes my legs feel female…lusted after, sexy even?
Sexy is a very hard thing for me to quantify in regards to myself.
Foreplay is getting increasingly excellent and I’m needing to turn on my signal gain from my sexual pleasure nerves less…until frankly I get wanton and sexually greedy for that feeling more and more.
I hope we get to owning sexual aides after we transition…I like being filled…I’m unsure if fingers alone will be enough but…Brandy sinking into me taking me to this amazing peak of two people becoming so entangled.
And it can’t be a man.
I cannot see myself being filled like this and made love to by such a being.
It’s as they say ick….but the only man I’ve ever known really is my father. And his hardness was not sexual it was…
Unacceptance of his strange child, it was hard and cold indifference after awhile as well and that hurt me somewhere inside where I don’t know how to get to yet.
It’s like an undiagnosed car problem. I can feel my tires wobble now and then but don’t know why.
But men, men sexually seem too…hard, solid…hurtful…if I open up like that they will hurt me I think. Maybe by just being men?
Brandy is totally different than that ever since her first moments of kindness and acceptance with me.
If my heart and soul are quantifiable things than surely she’s part of them.
I know it’s odd these thoughts in my head and how off and maybe even kind of too analytical to see loving and erotic but I’m crying as we’re being together…swooning as she kisses me and smiling because of feeling like I have a place in this word.
That’s a Brandy truth to me.
I’d never considered that my place in the world wasn’t where I was physically at. I lived in literals and often still do. Whatever was missing was evidently meant to be true and right because I knew that I wasn’t like other people.
That’s the really as they say shitty thing about ASP and borderline Autistics. We known that we’re messed up. We know that we’re not like you and are strange and different. No we can’t change that either, we are very much who we are. Even me with my current changes I’m still me, still messed up in my own ways and always will be.
We know it and it sucks.
But Brandy changed that for me.
Finding or being found by someone that loves you regardless changes all the variables you are used to knowing. It’s scary and unfamiliar but it is possible and once you get used to seeing the value in that line of your life getting solved…
I have a real place in the world.
I’m not a theoretical equation in my own head anymore.
I love.
I touch.
I interact.
Oh…I arch and a moan escapes me as Brandy’s long sweet tender strokes bring my to orgasm it’s like a crazy ride and this fusion of the way I have this happen as a male and the other way I’ve been experiencing pleasure…before they’ve been separate…this was getting closer into being linked, bridged together.
It was like that male ejaculation was shooting up in that high but on the way down was something else as powerful like coming down but inside a roller coaster.
I’m panting with my body pressed to Brandy’s.
“Wow…Maddy…I love the way you move…You’re so beautiful, even more so when you’re doing that it’s like you blossom so much.”
I blush even while panting and I look up and kiss her softly and sweetly before it’s her turn…
I’m getting better with my mouth and enjoying it more and more…It’s womanly and sexy in a way…I’ll never do this for anyone else but it’s something I want to be good at for while “Penny” is still there and even better when we’re in our right phases.
I increase her signal gain…I kill my gag reflex…control my breathing ad turn on what I need to wake “Jane” up and get her hard.
The use of female pronouns does help.
But I don’t need a lot of help loving her.
Even inside Brandy I don’t feel male, I don’t feel like a guy but actually very female as It’s just location…just parts and not the real us at all.
She makes me feel loved, so loved and beautiful.
This time and the second longer, slower time with our toys in a hot sweet feminine smell bubble bath.
Using the…Oh I can’t really say that… the sex aids…together on each other at the same time as our girl outties tangoed in the slippery soap and our breasts too was this perfect and true lesbian real girl moment and we bond more…kiss, cry, stroke and hold each other as I feel our math adjusting. It does too…the more you are with someone the more that you change each other. You’re variables leak over and I suspect it’s all connected, that we’re all connected in a way I don’t think we can really imagine.
I’m not sure about god but seeing this, feeling it actually there like realizing a basic tenant of the universe is sort of like as close as I can get, I mean understand.
We fall into this deep beautiful snuggle as I set my internal clock to wake up early.
We wake up early with just plenty of time to get ready. Brandy is packing things for the night’s stay and she’s really, really stressing over her look for the day.
“Brandy it’s okay we’re just going to the airport and then flying out.”
She looks at me she’s smiling but still nervous. “But we’re flying first class Madds, like with the whole rich folks and the classy people.”
I slip over and kiss her pretty sure that it’s right. “Rich is no indication of class Brandy, you are a very beautiful, sexy and classy lady.”
“Madison…I‘m a transgendered exotic dancer.”
“It’s still true…you’re kind, caring and sweet. You have a beautiful heart and money can’t ever buy that.”
She kisses me and I kiss her. “You’re getting all wise these days.”
I shrug. “I might not get people well or often but truth is truth.”
We get dressed and I am still feeling that need of feeling my legs in stockings from Brandy last night and I’m wearing these really nice feeling thigh highs with the garter belt and the stays and a nice bra. It’s amazing the way that they seem to be a kind of foundation garment for me. The tightness, the cling, the feeling isn’t just sexy ad feminine but securing. Add in a nice blouse and skirt and a dress jacket shoes and jewelry and make-up I feel so much better, so actually put together.
I’m smiling and waiting watching Brandy getting dressed like me in her business look that’s just this side of porn secretary and I close my eyes and feel…my code is flowing differently, Smoother like…? I’m not sure…But I feel so much more calmer like this.
Right up until Brandy is trying to keep me calm as we’re taking a cab through the city to the airport.
Have you ever been in a Toronto taxi? I know it sounds like rhetorical question but…I’m whining a little and I really want…
“What baby?” Brandy asks.
“I want a Hazmat suit.”
“It’s not that bad Maddy.”
I look at her almost incredulously. “Brandy, I’m a human being and I can actually smell like dozens of different thing and oh…ugh…at least eight of them are biologicals…and not including him….I think he‘s at least five of them.”
She’s trying to calm me down and not to laugh at me at the same time. I’m glad for that as much as I’m triply glad for the clean wipes she has in her purse and I’m so busy self defense cleaning it takes a lot to have me look up at the horror that is this Armenian fellows driving…or driving and swearing, and when we’re trapped too far out to abandon the cab and stuck in traffic he starts smoking…and eating!
The mixture of the smell of the greasy whatever, him, his infestations, the smoke almost has me bolting…I’m actually sort of gasping and gagging and the nightmare of the cab ride to the airport is only equaled to the sheer hell that’s the airport.
I was beginning to doubt going on this trip.
I’m stand with our bags and staring into the abyss.
“Oh holy fuck.”
“Maddie!” Brandy squeals and giggles staring at me.
“No…no…Brandy that…that Armenian homunculus dropped us off at the wrong place.”
“No baby he didn’t this Is the airport.”
“You’re joking…”
“No…come on honey.” She leads me into the chaos. It is chaos…I’m not good with crowds, I’m not good with people and disorganisation and people who are lost in the clouds of self-absorbed and ignoring their children and just…
“You’d think that the whole concept of the aeronautical transportation industry would be mathematical and ordered and efficient…soothing but no…no we have this…and this…and that…” I know I not being calm or nice but it’s just so much.
I gesture at a bunch of children that are tugging at their parents who are ignoring them while one stares vacantly at the screens and another is texting. “Like misbehaving Jawas, Welcome to Pearson International Airport…a wretched hive of scum and villainy.”
Brandy stares at me. “Madison what are you talking about it’s fine.”
It’s thankfully over fast.
Oh first class is horribly expensive when you really look at it.
I’m never flying anything else once we get checked in we actually get out of there to wait for our flight in a quiet clean lounge until our call. We’re boarded first and taken to these really great seats and we’re actually enjoying it and I’m decompressing once we’re in out seats and using my phone while we’re on the ground I’m getting our hotel to send us a car with a driver…a private car company and a clean one.
Brandy and I barely touch our drinks.
We’ve never flow before and the plane goes up and we get to see a bit of Toronto from up high before we leave it behind and we climb and climb and we see The Great Lakes…I’ve lived here for years and never seen it like this.
I get why as a species we strived for flight.
It doesn’t get old as we go over the prairies and I do look to see home. I can’t really it’s too small but at the same time it’s there in the patchwork.
I seriously think the thing that made things well worth the entire day was us coming up and over The Rockies and I see everything like the forests and then the Pacific.
We’re both looking at all of it neither having seen the mountains or the ocean before and I would probable never have if we haven’t fallen in love, if she never found and rescued me.
And there’s this whole landing we miss as we lean in and kiss each other long and sweetly and slowly and sinking our fingers into each others and…
I really recommend fall in love kissing as you’re coming in for a landing…
The synchronicity between the emotions and the sensation of physics in action and the whole excitement of our trip is just.
I feel us touch down and we break the kissing blushing and we grab our bags from the overhead and we head out of the plane. Fingers interlaced again and smiling and blushing at some of the looks and even smiles the we’re getting as we make our way to the curbside to get picked up.
Brandy looks at me her eyes just shining with excitement and…I’ve seen her happy before but this is like a happy moment that hit and stuck.
That’s a nice thought…happy sticking around.
“We’re really here aren’t we Maddy?”
“Yes, we are…” Okay I’m confused a little and looking around. “Where else should we be?”
“No babe…I just…part of me thought nothing in my life would be different, that’s nothing would change.”
“Things always change, change is constant.”
She looks at me with that loving look and pulls me in with our linked hand and kisses me softly, slowly, deeply and passionately and her lipstick and mine gliding over each other is so…and the emotional way she’s kissing me is so…
My right leg rises a little bit by bit until my shoe dangles by my stockinged toes.
Oh Sigh…
Encrypted-18
Chapter 18
We’re kissing right up until the car service pulls up and we break it blushing when the driver got out and was patiently waiting for us to stop. I’m glad that we were enough in control of ourselves that we weren’t all heavy kissing like we do when we’re alone. But it was these soft sweet brandy melting me kisses that make me feel all odd and fluttery in a good way.
I love being softly and slowly kissed. It’s more like I feel wanted and care for and treasured than consumed by passion.
Though I am starting to learn to appreciate where that takes me as well.
He’s a professional and dressed nicely clean cut and he smells professional too. Soap hints and just some aftershave not the gagging reek you can get walking past some of the student’s home. He opens the car door for us and we slide in. I watch brandy for how she does it because sliding into the back seat of this is a lot different than getting into pretty.
I like this car it’s a hybrid which is as much sense as the markets allow and it’s clean. I can’t smell anything bad in here.
“Oh this is nice, it’s very nice.” I’m not kidding I’ve never actually been in a car this fancy. I am one for clean and structure and things but I’ve never been in a fancy car before. Before Toronto I was raised on a farm in a small town and only a few of the rich people had fancy cars.
Brandy smiles. “It is I’ll have to admit too honey. I hope the traffic’s okay.”
“Oh me too…” I look at the driver. “I have problems with traffic and anxiety please don’t be offended if I act oddly.”
He looks at me in the rear view. “Not a problem ma’am there’s no meter here we can take some of the side streets to the hotel that are out of the bulk of the traffic if you ladies are not in a hurry?”
“Oh…can we? I’ve never had the option before.”
“Sure not a problem, please fasten your seat belts and we’ll get going.”
I’ve never been asked to do that before except on the flight here. I don’t care what it will do to my credit card while I’m here this is so worth the money.
We drive slowly and he even asks if we’d like some music and oh…the music controls are in the back seat on a console. We put on some classical softly and we sight see as we head to the hotel going the longer but to me far less stressful route and the city seems far less scary to me. Toronto has boats and the lakes but there’s spots here where you can see the ocean and sometimes boats here too and it’s very different here than home and the way they build things is too.
It’s different and nice but…but I find it built a little crammed in places. And that somewhat bothers me but being with Brandy really helps me get past that and the whole being in a new place thing too.
I think I like the scent of the salt water that lingers here. There still too many city smells to really get a good measure of it but so far it’s very nice.
“I want to see things here. I want to see things home too but I want to start more here. I want to get past the things that limit me.” I slip my fingers in with Brandy’s and she’s the one that squeezes.
“I’ve never been out of Toronto Maddy but I want to too. No one ever thought that I would or could…They just kind of…” She’s looking out the window of the car and trying not to cry I think. I think I’m hearing her thoughts like her voice from another room but through me holding her hand and us being so tuned from the Encryption.
~They just wrote me off…~
I squeeze her fingers hard enough that she breaks from the window and looks at me. I clamp down on my doubts because this is a novel or a television thing and not something that someone as awkward as me says.
“Wrote you off…we have that in common, my family did that too. Brandy I will never do that to you. And not because I need you but because…because…” I think I’m sort of screwing this up. This is not something I’m used to but she’s staring at me and he big beautiful chocolate coffee colored eyes are almost spilling out tears.
“There’s be too big a hole in the universe without y..you. Too big a hole in mm.. My universe without you.”
She’s crying and staring at my and there’s big tears flowing and I can’t pick up the signal coming from her because it’s too much? Oh of course this would be the time when I can’t do it when I need it.
“Uhm…happy tears?”
She nods and she pulls me into this long deep kiss and we’re still kissing when we stop moving.
“Ladies we’re almost there maybe you would like a chance to freshen your make-up?”
That was very thoughtful.
(Sniffle.) “Thank you.” Brandy says smiling a bit again but sort of shyly too.
We take some time to fix our faces and then he pulls into the driveway of the parking lot and there’s a doorman there and a bell hop who takes out bags and follows up to the front desk where I confirm our room with my credit card.
This place is very nice and quite high end. Or it is to me I’ve…well actually I’ve never stayed in a motel even I pretty much left home and went from high school there to U of T and never really went anywhere before.
I notice the staff her or all the ones that I can see have a pretty high level of physical attractiveness. I wonder if all hotels are like that? I mean the bigger ones. Wouldn’t that be intimidating?
I feel a little intimidated.
Thankfully there’s no problem getting our room and the bellhop takes our bags not that we have much and he takes us to our room. I should say rooms? It’s actually a suite with a very, very nice bathroom and an sort of small living room with a table to each at and the balcony doors plus there’s a couch and the television too and then the bedroom which is actually pretty nice with a very large bed and it’s actually very spartan in a calming modern fashion.
Brandy is looking at me when I go to the bed and all the bedding for the bed is in dry cleaning bags like I had asked for.
I start taking the clean bedding out and making the bed and she comes over and helps me.
“Sorry? I..I..just couldn’t sleep in the sheets that they’d have on here even if they say that they’re laundered.”
“I know, you have a thing with the sheets its okay. And hey you didn’t bing in the elevator.”
I’m still blushing but at least I remember not to bite at my lips self consciously and mess my teeth and my lipstick. It’s something I’m actually getting better at.
“I..I think I was too distracted even for that little bit of my strangeness.”
“I like your little bit’s of strangeness Maddy.”
I really can’t help but to smile at her for that.
I know why she gets me but I’m still amazed by it.
Sometimes being ASP can help. It’s sort of a good thing that I can sort of be fixated enough on my make-up to not touch my face and keep my lips in decent shape. It’s still hard not being brought up doing that though.
We get the bed made and we get a drink from the fridge there in the living room part I didn’t even know it was there until Brandy had the two cans of Coke for us. We pop them and we’re looking things over a lot still this being the fanciest place either of us has ever been in.
I take a breath after I have my work materials sorted and my laptop hooked up. I look around and Brandy’s still just walking around enjoying the place and stopping occasionally with this eyes closed look of pleasure on her face.
“Can I ask why you look like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re happy.”
“I am happy.”
“Oh…” Okay…re-think…….. “No, I meant you have this look of something good going on …. Uhm physically.”
“Oh….That I’m toe hooking the carpet.”
“Pardon?”
“Toe-hooking.” She looks at me and she comes over and takes my wrist and leads me away from the table. “Here now take off your shoes.”
“Why?”
“Humor me?”
“Okay…” I take off my shoes and I’m confused to say the least and some-what apprehensive too. I’m not good at doing things like this “On the fly.” I really like to understand what I’m doing before I’m doing it.
“Good now come over her onto the carpet.”
I do, the carpet is this really thick pile it feels odd under my feet. It felt more solid under my heels. “Okay so now what?”
Now just wiggle you feet just and little to get into the carpet and….like me start curling your toes down into it.
I try, I’m very sceptica…oh…oh this is nice, this is very nice it’s like some self foot rub thing.
“Oh…Brandy…how did I never know about this?”
“I don’t know honey it’s not really a secret.”
“This would be so relaxing at work to do this behind my computer.”
She laughed. “We’ll have to get you some then.”
“Okay…that would be very nice. I suddenly thing I understand why cats purr right now….well not literally but this makes me feel like that.”
Brandy wraps her arms around me. “Good, I’m glad I could show you something cool.”
“It’s not col…okay yes it’s very cool.”
“So now what?”
I smile at her. “Shopping?”
“Really?”
“Yes, we need things for all week and we can take our time, see the sights and explore…try some more new things.”
“Okay…are you sure?”
I lean backwards into her hug and tilt my head back to smell her some and then kiss her lower cheek.
“Yes…I’m sure new starts, new choices right?”
“Right…I love you Maddy.”
“I love you too Brandy…”
I step from her embrace and still hold her hand as I slip back into my shoes.
I feel good about this…Mathew-me never really lived and though I’m scared I’m also excited too.
Encrypted-19
Chapter 19
I’m really very happy.
We head from our room which is astoundingly beautiful and so well worth the price as far as I’m concerned and we go down to the lobby.
I’m blushing.
I’m blushing so much because we get into the elevator and as soon as we hit the first floor below us I can’t help it.
“Bing…”
Brandy giggles.
“Bing…”
She slips her hands into mine and holds them.
“Bing...”
She kisses me.
“Bing…” She says it with me still holding my hands and that stops my nerves from going from embarrassed to embarrassed and nervous and counting with my fingers. But there’s the look there in her eyes and in her face and her smile of…I got you.
“Bing…” Brandy says it with me again.
Her eyes say I love you.
“Bing…” She kisses me again.
We kiss and we Bing all the way down and by the time we get to the lobby the last “Bing…………..” Is softly said and really slowly drawn out and sexy.
I might be different and there’s this whole thing with the encryption but Brandy she’s magical. And before her I would say that I would not count magical things as something real.
But what else can you call someone who could love someone as complicated and messed up as myself? What else could you take the feelings of a tweaked and strange OCD like thing I do and turn it into something like this?
I can’t explain it enough.
Brandy is Pi.
Yes Pi.
The math Pi.
It’s a sequence of numbers that never repeats on itself and as long as it goes inside of it you will find…every number ever connected to anyone. Your birthday, your death, your back account numbers, you social insurance number it will all eventually come out exactly in that order in the sequence of Pi.
If you translate numbers to letters then any word, any phrase or any language ever spoken or will be spoken is all within the sequence of Pi.
Yes…Brandy is what I have to try to explain love to someone. Brandy as love is Pi.
Yes I am gushing, I’m math gushing as she just…I could not imagine the intensity that she has become part of me.
We shift to holding hands in one hand with our fingers interlaced and we got to the concierge desk.
I look at the very pretty one behind the desk? It’s not really a desk or really a counter if anything this is ornate to be called a bar really.
“Yes ma’am how can I help you?”
“We need another car and a driver for the balance of the day until we come back to the hotel.”
“Of course ladies I will call right away and get the first car that we can have ready for you.”
“Thank you very much miss.”
“Enjoy your time in the city ladies.”
I look at Brandy and she’s still quiet. She’s not exactly hiding but she’s holding my hand very tightly and she looks like she’s on edge.
“Brandy, you are safe here there’s no one that will hurt you.”
She looks at me and we go and find a place to sit and wait for our drive. “It’s not that but this is the nicest building that I’ve ever been in Maddy it’s scary for me because I feel like I’m not good enough.”
I lean over and kiss her softly. Yes in the lobby in front of people.
We are both blushing as we break it.
“Worth has nothing to do with currency Brandy. Worth has to do with worth. You are far more valuable as a person than anyone I have ever known.”
“You don’t know that many people Maddy.”
“I know few face to face people and that’s because of what I’m like. It’s not that I don’t like people but I have found most people to be scary and rude and very intolerant of other people especially anyone different. But I think I have a grasp on what people can be like very much.”
“But why here? Why all the fuss?”
I smile and actually shrug. “I’ve never really travelled, I certainly haven’t spent much of the money I’ve made over the years and I have clean issues…this place has a very clean reputation and I wanted this to be this dream trip.”
“Dream trip?”
“ASP people dream too…but this is more like that yearning daydream coming to life for us. I want you to be the girl that you’ve always wanted to be and trying on pretty things and twirling and happy.”
“And what about you?”
I kiss her softly again. “Teach me how to twirl.”
There’s a soft announcement over the PA that our car is ready which was rather nice. I think they must actually teach them to do that since it wasn’t like mall shopping blaring styled but very soft.
Using a woman with a nice voice was a smart touch as well.
It’s a different driver but the same model car and this driver is actually very handsome with this slim man’s body in a nice dark suit and short blonde hair.
It’s not an attraction thing as so much an admiration at the unified togetherness of his look.
Actually with my brain could that be one of the measures of attraction?
I want to pat his suit jacket like a cat. It’s dark in just the right way, shiny-not shiny and just pulls at the optics of the light in the right way.
He opens our doors. “Ladies.”
We smile and again I follow brandy’s lead with the way that she slides into the car. I really like doing this almost as much as I love watching her do that.
I can tell she loves doing this whole thing as much as it scares her.
He’s very good about getting us in and secured and he checks our seatbelts or rather that we are wearing them and has his on as well and he is a very astute and careful driver.
“I was informed that this will be an all day trip and that you ladies will be shopping.”
“Yes it will is that a problem?”
“Not at all I was wondering however if you both would like an escort?”
“Escort?”
“Well two lovely ladies shopping alone might make a target for the unsavoury kind of men that might make shopping less of a personal moment.”
“Oh…” I look at Brandy and she nods. “I’d feel safe with a bouncer Maddy.”
I look ahead to him. “We would like that, is this another service of your company?’
“No, but shopping and two nice young ladies I would honestly like to spend the time escorting the both of you than just waiting in the car.”
Oh…oh well that was very nice and was it a come on?
Flirting?
“Ladies where to first?”
“I would like to go to Holt Renfrew.”
Brandy’s head turns and she looks at me with her eyes widened. “Maddy…”
“I want to go there I need nice things for my meetings and my new life.”
“Uhm…okay…but…I…”
“And Brandy I want to spoil you.”
“Maddy…”
“You’re still going to teach me to twirl yes?”
(Sniffle.) “Yes…I want to see you twirl…I would love to see you shine.”
He looks back at us with a smile.
Is he flirting?
I’m not sure but it’s still a pleasant trip going through the city until we get to the building and we pull into the parking structure and it is very nice even there. Very clean and there are a lot of nice vehicles there too and our driver get’s out and opens our door and he even offers a hand.
I look at him. “I’m sorry but perhaps this would be easier if we knew your name?”
He smiles. “Oh I’m Eric.”
“I’m Maddy and this is Brandy.”
“It’s an honor to work for you ladies.”
I tilt my head at him. “May I ask a rude question?”
“Certainly, I like honesty.”
“Are you hitting on us?”
“No, sorry ladies I’m gay.”
………
I look at Maddy and she looks at me and I can actually get the odd humor in this and that we didn’t get “clocked or made.” As it were and some circles some people would see us both as men.
He looks at us. “That won’t be a problem will it? Shannon at the concierge desk said that you ladies were together and that a LGBT friendly driver might put you both at ease.”
Brandy nods. “That is very thoughtful actually and above and beyond really.”
Eric shrugs. “Not really while some people have a problem with us it’s also a pretty well known idea that treating people with some respect and deference will bring you back.”
I nod this time. “Just for the consideration she showed I would definitely stay here again and we haven’t even spent the night yet.”
He smiles and offers us his arms. “Shall we, I do so love shopping.”
We take his arms and got to the doors and once inside it’s…it is very impressive. Neat and orderly but also very well laid out and I even like the design of the building inside.
I am amazed at the clothing, I really and a few times Brandy is looking at something and then she see’s the price tags and she blanches.
“Madds no…no way I’m not going to pay two thousand dollars for a dress!”
That’s this really pretty very chique looking Fendi dress. It’s black with a lux floral print and it’s like there were a storm of all these pretty petals on it but at the same time they are rendered as almost looking three dimensional the petals have a depth in the way they look on the dress.
“Yes.”
“No…that’s…that’s a huge amount of money!”
“Brandy we’re not buying all the things like this but a few really good things and we can go to other places.”
“It’s two grand!”
“It’s lovely and pretty and I want one.”
“It’s two thousand dollars…Maddy please no…we can get so much more with that money.”
I look at it and look at her and sign and pass it back to the girl who handles the dress. I will agree with that idea something that valuable and I would have special staff too.
I look at her.
“Better?”
“Yes…that was just too much.”
“Can we still look?”
“Yes baby we can still look.”
I will say that I do agree with her logic and the price is mostly for the name but it was a dearly lovely dress and I do want something that will really be something to spoil ourselves with.
Actually it is fun doing all of that looking but in the end she’s way to uncomfortable getting anything here.
I look at Eric. “Can you recommend someplace to shop?”
“The Pacific Center, it’s very chique and very artistic and a lovely place to shop. It’s high end too just nowhere near this. Ladies I admire good sense this is a lovely store for the six figured set.”
Brandy nods. “Yes it is I’m not paying six hundred or more for a handbag.”
I sigh. “Okay I just wanted to…”
She kisses me. “Today, coming to see Vancouver the hotel…Maddy I’m so spoiled I’m still thinking that I’m dreaming.”
I smile at her. “Thank you…I’m just…I want to do this…us right and sometimes I don’t know what that is.”
She kisses me again and she cradles my face so sweetly and I know other people are looking but we’re leaving so they can be huffy all they want.
“You are enough for me, you will always be enough for me but if you ever, ever want to know I’ll tell you just ask baby.”
She kisses me and it’s long and sweet and one of those over and over again kisses and it lasts long enough and it’s good enough that I do the little leg lift thing.
It wasn’t on purpose either, hmm some strange romantic autonomic thing?
There are lots of looks as we’re kissing but also from the fact that we’re not buying anything here. I think they are actually judging us on that and there are some definite stares that aren’t nice?
The girl that really tried to sell me the Fendi dress is on a desk phone and I stare at her and her numbers and run a tuning in algorithm and just like tuning into a radio I can here her.
“Can we get security here we have two women here making out and they are NOT customers, I think they’re here to cause trouble or something.”
I look at her and make the phone squeal in her ear. I look at Brandy. “We should just leave I don’t think that behaviour should be determined by sales.”
Brandy nods and we see security coming and Eric actually get’s in the way and says he’s our driver and for what company. The guard backs off and the sales girl looks pissed off but Brandy and I. We’re leaving but we hold hands and we leave this place with our heads held high and holding each others hands fingers interlaced.
Eric get’s us back to the car and he’s still a gentleman as much as ever in us getting into the car. Maybe more so with him interceding with the security guard. There’s a bad stereotype of gay men I think. Eric is very manly and he was very gallant as well.
Something that has given something else to add to what I know about people and the world.
He drives up to The Pacific Center and it is very nice. It’s actually a very nice mall. But it is a mall.
A mall…with the crowds and the people and the crowds…I’m not good with crowds.
I’m counting on my fingers when Brandy takes my hand and she smiles at me. “You’ll be okay Maddy I’m with you and Eric is too.”
He looks back at me. “It’ll be fine, you’ll be okay.” He looks a little confused though.
I try a smile and I really, really try to stop counting. I have to squeeze my fingers until I can feel my press on nails fairly sharply in my palms.
I look at him.
“I’m not good with crowds…way too many people, way too much chaos.”
He nods. “Well I’ll be a buffer how’s that?”
I sigh and smile a little. “That would be awesome?”
We park and he walks us to the entrance and I’m good all the way there and through the sliding doors and then…then I’m inside.
There are so many stores here and so many things and lights and colors and music it’s all coming at me in some not so nice ways and there are so many, so many people.
I kind of freeze up.
Brandy looks at me. “Close you eyes.”
“What?”
“Close your eyes?”
I close them and I can feel glasses being put on my face carefully and then something set into my ears. “Bbb..Brandy?” I hate getting to where I stutter.
Hate it.
“Don’t worry they’re new. Open your eyes.” She’s putting something with some weight in my hand.
I look at it and it’s her smartphone and she has music files on it. And I’m wearing sunglasses that are muting out a lot of the neon and the flashing screens everywhere too…I press play and I smile as music from the Lord of the rings starts to play…*Concerning Hobbits* from The Fellowship movie the music as you’re just seeing The Shire.
I exhale tension with the sounds of the music and she looks at me with this I love you Pi smile.
“You did this for me?”
“Yeah…and it’s all the fun and clam stuff nothing all aggro either.”
The time and the sheer fact that she took that time doing it for me and had all this ready for me and my moments it.
It…
I am really close to crying.
She takes my free hand and laces her fingers into mine. “C’mon lady love I’ll teach you home to twirl.”
Encrypted-20
Chapter 20
*Before…
I look at it and it’s her smartphone and she has music files on it. And I’m wearing sunglasses that are muting out a lot of the neon and the flashing screens everywhere too…I press play and I smile as music from the Lord of the rings starts to play…*Concerning Hobbits* from The Fellowship movie the music as you’re just seeing The Shire.
I exhale tension with the sounds of the music and she looks at me with this I love you Pi smile.
“You did this for me?”
“Yeah…and it’s all the fun and calm stuff nothing all aggro either.”
The time and the sheer fact that she took that time doing it for me and had all this ready for me and my moments it.
It…
I am really close to crying.
She takes my free hand and laces her fingers into mine. “C’mon lady love I’ll teach you home to twirl.”
*And Now…
Lady love.
Not something that I thought that I’d ever really thought that would be me.
It’d not me being transgender either it’s everything else. My things about me my OPD and Social anxiety stuff all wound in and a part of me being somewhere in the Aut/Aspy parts of myself.
I never thought that I’d get anyone that would see me as being someone that they could love.
I’ll be very honest we’re a lot of work.
And while most people aren’t necessarily mean or nasty it takes a lot of strength to be with someone that doesn’t have a visible illness.
Oh I know condition, or it’s not “An Illness.” And sometimes it’s not but sometimes it feels like it really is.
Some people just forget that WE know what we’re like and sometimes we hate it even more than those around us do. Only there’s nothing that we can do about it really.
So Brandy not just getting me but actually really getting the stuff that I’m vulnerable too and still loving me because of that in a very amazing thing to me.
Sunglasses, soothing music and her hand along with kind and loving words.
So far so very good as Brandy leads me into this maze of shops and so very, very many people.
“I’m not very good at this; I’m not really built for shopping and crowds.”
“I know Maddy and if it gets to be too much let me know okay?”
“Okay.”
Just the way she makes me feel safe is important.
Safe’s a pretty big deal for people like me…I’m holding her hand pretty tightly as we head further and further inside the mall.
I might be making a bigger deal out of this than it is but I’ve never been good at too much aggressive stimulation.
Brandy’s certainly making it a lot easier though.
I take a breath as we go from the main part of the mall into a store called Forever Twenty-one.
I’m slowing down as I’m just processing the name even and Brandy looks back at me.
“Maddy?”
“Oh I’m…I’m okay I’m just trying to figure out why they would give this store such a name really.”
“I think it’s because they want to appeal to the twenty something crowds and maybe older ones by saying that the stuff here will make them young and trendy.”
“Trendy? Why would someone want to be trendy?”
She’s looking at me questioningly. “What’s wrong with trendy?”
“I’m not sure…people say that being sheep is wrong but isn’t being trendy taken from following something that is currently trending and therefore those people that want to be trendy be like those people that are the ones that people see as being sheep?”
She looks at me and nods as I’m talking and smiles when she’s done with that smile that I think is the one she uses when I do something cute.
“Try and think of it as cultural bonding or something so you don’t stand out so much.”
“Okay, this is why we are shopping partly I have nothing really that is mine that I need for living as my real self. My old clothes would not fit who I’m becoming.”
Brandy nods. “Exactly and the clothes here are kind of cute as well and there’s nothing wrong with cute clothes.”
“Good I can learn about what’s cute.” I look around and then look at her. “Brandy?”
“Yes love?”
“Is there a scale of cuteness?”
“Uhm…I don’t know?
“Maybe there should be, it would be easier.”
She looks thoughtful. “Maybe, but I like the mixture of exploration and discovery.”
I think about that.
If you were to put things into a scale or in a science then discovering something “Cute” would be like solving an equation based on personal identity.
“Maddy?”
I blink. “Sorry I was tangenting.”
“I know.” She leans over and gives me a light sweet kiss and then another thoughtful look. “C’mon lets go solve for X.”
“………………”
She got what I was thinking?
Our linkage?
I take her hand feeing very happy and pleased.
But I go there to that space in me like opening up my tab app for “The Encryption.” I can see the semi-flow of data between us as we’re holding hands. Tactile, but more than that the emotional signals going between us…the literal facts of us holding each other’s hands what we feel is information too.
Touch matters.
It actually means a lot to me.
And beyond the intimate normal meaning of intimate just human contact, when you’ve been denied human contact for so long it becomes something more, something we need and I never really had much of it and somehow I had concluded that it was something that I just didn’t need.
I was very wrong.
I flick back to seeing things normally and we shop. Well I look and try and estimate things and such but brandy is well versed in shopping and looking for things and I get some very nice things for home and for not at work or for meetings.
And there’s the advantage of having enough credit to pretty much do the shopping that we want and we share a change booth too which helps and thankfully there’s no cameras in the one here.
Our driver though is actually ahead of us and he went off while we were trying things on and got a large shopping cart I think that may have come from a grocery store here and he carefully arranges our bags like a porter might do.
We go from store to store buying things but also making lists of things for when we get home because other than a few things for make up here and there we’re not picking up things like scrunchies and bobby pins.
I have to look up bobby pins, is it a slang term or are they actually named for someone?
We go to all these places and a lot of it’s just looking and such we do get things that we really want…and some of what I need too.
Business clothes which are ladies suits and skirts and jackets and shoes and even hats and handbags and even stopping at a couple of places that sell luggage types of things to get bags and briefcases.
I’m buying for Brandy too while we’re getting these things for me and she’s pretty shy about anything like this. I can see her looking at some of the dress clothes with this expression of doubt.
“You’ll look fine in these.”
“But it’s not me, Maddy I’m a dancer…I do tranny stage stripper stuff.”
“So? That does not mean you can’t dress like this if you want to. I think you are one of the most beautiful and most able people that I have ever met.”
“Really?”
“Yes really and what you do to make money doesn’t have any impact really on your character and you should not let them.”
“It…it would be nice to have nice things for important things if they come up and stuff.”
“Yes, being prepared is always good.”
“Okay…I try them.”
I will say that it’s a good look for her, better than she thought it would be I think. I’m no expert on transgenderism or even normal things but given the things I know and the things I see with Brandy she’s very confident in the world she thinks that she belongs in.
Still part of where she was raised too.
There are some looks I am going to assume are racist in those tiny little ways at first in a few places when we go inside. It’s angering me more than I thought since I don’t often get what I think angry usually is but this…just those few times.
When they have the knee jerk reaction to Brandy being black and then there’s our driver with our things and the credit card comes out and they change their behaviors.
It’s not part of my experiences in the everyday…but it’s Brandy’s everyday isn’t it?
She tries and she sort of does blow it off because she garnered a small gesture of immunity from it just because of a lifetimes’ exposure but still.
I see her act differently in these places and act less free and more restrained. Oh that I know well…the I don’t fit so I can’t give them an excuse way of being.
Most of high school was like that and I can see it with Brandy too even if she’s trying to be “cool”.
But it occurs to me to maybe kiss her some more in these places and times and to maybe show off the credit cards a bit more and let the people know that I think she’s more than worth it. And sometimes the looks shift from Brandy being who she is to us being who we are.
She’s worth so much more really.
And a lot of places do have staff that are perfectly nice though. And those people are pretty easy to deal with including some that offer a range of “Looks” for me to try because of the things I do at the university and the presentations that I may have to give or go to.
Them taking me seriously and being kind is very soothing since the Mall environment isn’t.
The music helps and the sunglasses really help especially with the video displays and all the flashing multiples and stuff and brandy helps me with the crowds. My only issue is still things like smells.
I kind of get triggered by smells, especially here…it’s not like the Sikhs and Indians and such are the worst but some of them are included in my triggers but it’s anyone with too much scented product.
The food courts smells kind of make my nauseous and that’s mostly from the mixtures of smells together but I can actually smell old fryer grease/oil and I can smell it wafting off the food prepared in it.
It’s a food meets hot plastic scent and it niggles at my gag reflex.
But the people with too much product are worse because it makes me want to sneeze but I can’t and that in something for someone like me very aggravating and then there’s some that I can actually taste in the air.
It would almost be an interesting thing if I thought about evolutionary biology and reptiles and other animal that taste the air if it didn’t seem that the product leaves this film on my tongue.
It reminds me of home and spring and summer when the black flies and mosquitoes were so bad that you got coated in bug spray just not to get mauled going outside.
Yes, it’s very much that bug spray taste.
And that triggers me and I want to get out of there and makes me want to wave my arms but that would be too strange so it makes me want to count on my fingers to myself.
And every time Brandy gets it, she sees me starting to trigger and she’s hold me in a hug, that’s such a in a good…good solid there way for me and she will hold me there like that if we can’t move off to another place.
That’s just so.
I know I keep repeating it but to be there when I trigger, when someone like me triggers and to know what to do and to do it and not get upset, and not get frustrated with me because it keeps happening is really, really wonderful.
It’s like someone that has trigger issues being outside and being in crowds both having their S.O. use their person and their personal space to be your enclosed safe place.
And once I get through those moments I can deal, I can feel safe enough that I can go on and not have to go home and hide and recover.
Though there are times…a few times when it is a close thing for me wanting to leave. Like when there’s someone in a place we’re in and it’s crowded and they’re being loud and rude.
And I triggered and brandy’s taking care of me and we’re getting looked at or rather I’m getting looked at because they notice my oddness and they stare.
I hate the stares; yes I know I’m strange.
But we get everything that we might ever really need and a lot of things that we likely don’t need and we were there for four hours not counting the driving times.
I have never been in a public setting like this for that long in my life before, it’s completely blown any other times that I’ve done this out of the water as it were.
I feel happy and I feel actually like I’ve grown a lot just by getting past something like this.
We get settled in and we hug our driver and he even helps carry our bags with the porter to our rooms and say our goodbyes for the night as he leaves us his personal card for us to call him if we need him again.
That could be a definite thing.
I have a shower and get everything off of me from being out there…no I’m not a germiphobe but it just feels good to wash the day off.
I think that I might have stress sweated slightly.
Brandy’s looking at room service and I’m going over the things that I bought her from The Apple Store mostly some good programs and my info when I tap into the system and use it to go back home and to check my e-mails and the security on my work space which is fine and then take a peak into the bio-lab where I sent the hair to.
It’s been run using this element spectrometer and other things but basically it measures all the different things in the sample and compares them to other samples all over the world. It’s actually very accurate.
No one’s checked it yet though to send me the findings.
Xigaze, Tibet…?
Encrypted-21
Chapter 21
*Before…
I have never been in a public setting like this for that long in my life before, it’s completely blown any other times that I’ve done this out of the water as it were.
I feel happy and I feel actually like I’ve grown a lot just by getting past something like this.
We get settled in and we hug our driver and he even helps carry our bags with the porter to our rooms and say our goodbyes for the night as he leaves us his personal card for us to call him if we need him again.
That could be a definite thing.
I have a shower and get everything off of me from being out there…no I’m not a germiphobe but it just feels good to wash the day off.
I think that I might have stress sweated slightly.
Brandy’s looking at room service and I’m going over the things that I bought her from The Apple Store
*And Now…
I am looking through things on her machines as much as she is the food on the menu and I can feet things inside the computers and tablet and phone as I’m booting them all up. It’s interesting to feel these very sort of shaped like blocks of programs and data and they sort of look like code filled polygons in my head and as I choose an option to get things put in place one point of a joint will spike out and send to another polygon packet which is like one side for every function that connects or can connect to another function of the device. The more things that it can possibly do or the more programs it can interface with outside of itself the more sides it has.
It’s still all code but it’s constructs of code and really it’s kind of pretty.
I think that this is what people say in science fiction when they say a piece of code is elegant or something.
I get up and I go to Brandy and sit close to her with her things. “You need to put in your passwords.”
“Okay, do you want to do it?” She’s still staring at the menu which is actually on the television because apparently you order it like ordering pay-per-view. She’s biting her lower lip and I think that means that she’s nervous?
This might sound odd but I like that, I like the idea of normal people doing things that’s like stimming or sort of stimming because some of the things that I do aren’t quite like full on stimming and some is.
But it’s sort of comforting to see things that I am pretty self-conscious of actually being things that other people do as well.
But me do her passwords?
No, no, no those are sort of really personal things they’re private things that are like supposed to keep the things that you do on your computers private and secure….and secure is important it’s emotionally important to me.
I have my hands full so I don’t finger count but my leg can bounce so I do that. It’s like for me and maybe others there’s social anxiety energy that builds up and I can get it out like others can and I try and do things that sort of release it.
Brandy looks over at me and sees what must be my can’t do this look and she looks at my leg and she nods. “Okay, I can do that if you can help me choose what we’re going to have.”
I pass her, her devices.
She knew and I didn’t have to put all of it into awkward words.
She’s typing in her passwords and I don’t look and I don’t sense things out but I look at the TV screen menu.
“There are a lot of things here.”
“There are a lot of things here that are expensive Maddy.”
I look at the prices there’s a seven dollar cheese burger and that is cheap. But considering the other things. “I think they are fair, we are getting a higher grade of kitchen and that comes with higher paid staff and then its delivery and with real dishes.”
She looks at me. “I’ve never had this kind of things Maddy, expensive places and shopping and fancy food and room service.”
I nod.
Think about it.
“We could go someplace, like Dairy Queen?”
She smiles. “No, just…I’m nervous that’s all. Part of me wants to do this but part of me is scared to do this because I might like it all too much. I don’t want to be one of those people; I’ve seen friends or people that I thought were friends become some of those people.”
“Those people? There are a lot of people.”
“Shallow, materialistic people.”
“Oh, well you won’t be one of those people.”
She looks at me.
I look back at her. “I believe you are the best person I have met. I…I have faith in you.”
Which is true.
But things like that are hard for me.
Because so very often there is no reason to have any faith in the good side of people.
But there are a lot of reasons why I have faith in Brandy.
And I’m blushing very much from telling her that.
And then she slides herself to me and she sets her things down and she holds me and leans on me.
“Thank you Maddy…that was really sweet.”
“It was the truth.”
“A lot of people in my life never had any faith in me.”
I sort of know some of this if the dreams that I’ve been connected to are memories. Then her family would not have had any faith in her especially when she came out as Trans.
“Those people are wrong and that is their own fault, if they had faith in you then you would still be in their lives and they would very likely be a lot happier for it.”
She leans up my shoulder to kiss me.
I like kissing, it is one of these things that seems to gain greater value to me the more that I do it. It could be the emotional connection but aside from that I can still sort of semi feel that great micro-shift in us. Where the things that make us and us are variables that are becoming part of each of us.
Oh.
Oh now there’s a thought with all of this that makes sense.
When we lose someone, when we have close interactions with someone and our personal code adjusts and incorporates that person into our lives they become part of us and when we lose that person we literally lose a piece of what became part of us.
Oh I think ow.
And this makes me think of Brandy.
And how important she is to me.
And how she makes me feel.
And how when she’s happy and things are going better she makes me feel good because it just seems to be this seldom thing to see her happy.
I want to make her happier….and with this less anxious too.
“We’re on a working vacation right? Well I think there is a custom of treating ourselves while on vacation.” I say. “And it isn’t likely that we’re going to be doing this all of the time and likely not too much when we get home because it would just be too much…I like our life we’re building.”
She looks at me. “Not spoiled but like comfortable?”
I nod several times. “I really enjoy comfortable, comfortable goes so well with stable.”
Brandy kisses me lightly. “Safe.”
I sigh this big sigh of pleasure at the thought of that. “Safe…yes safe would be so nice, comfortable and safe with our own nice little life.”
She sighs too and I love that about her that we both sort of value this sort of thing in our life and I know it’s for different reasons but still that is why it’s so good or at least it is to me. I like the fact that Brandy is so normal and she’s with me and we intersect so much.
A very big, very powerful and hurtful part of my life is knowing just how different that I was and just how really unlikely that I would ever find someone.
I look at the menu and pull my feet up on the couch and tuck them in and Brandy snuggles with me.
We scroll through and like when you’re looking at shows and hit the “Info” button it shows a picture of what the food item is and what’s more or less a description of the food.
There is really so much but we actually both are pretty timid and we don’t try all of the seafood things that they have since it’s not a big thing from where I am from or where she is from and sometimes trying new things is a trying experience.
So we ordered a basket of fries and I like the idea of a basket to keep them separate and we order elk burgers, that’s new to both of us but it’s still sort of not new to us and it was very good.
Except the bib lettuce, I like two sorts of lettuce really that I know of and they are iceberg lettuce and the leaf lettuce that we had home in the garden. I tried arugula and it tasted like not lettuce and more like mulch with pepper but this bib-lettuce reminds me of vegetable cellophane. There was something almost sort of rubbery to me about it.
It squeaked.
I don’t eat cheese curds for the same reason.
Brandy ate my lettuce.
But the tomato slice was actually very nice, it was seasoned and it was a good centimeter thick and very ripe and actually made a fine part of the burger. The Elk meat patty I liked more than Brandy did. She found it very dry and strong but I liked the flavors, it was strong but not like deer meat.
My father hunted deer and I have had it a few times and it’s very strong or I remember that in that way. It could be the way that my father cooked it too but I’m not sure on that.
The French fries were amazing and they were done and sent up in a basket with a cloth towel thing inside the basket and they were well seasoned and crispy and not greasy and hot to the one thing that I didn’t like was they came with a house ketchup.
I don’t like that.
It’s one of my have to’s.
And I know it’s all in my head and it is one of my routine things but I can only have Heinz ketchup and I prefer the glass bottles and I will buy the glass bottles instead of the plastic squeeze ones even if I have to buy more of them.
The glass thing is a different must thing for me.
I find plastics sometimes greasy, I can touch a plastic handle and I will sometimes feel like it’s sweating an oil like sheen.
So if I can buy something and it has a glass bottle version instead of the plastic I will always buy the glass.
I eat/ate the fries without the ketchup and they were still good.
The one thing I had no problems with was the ice cream.
In house made chocolate ice cream with very few ingredients and served up it a big glass thermos decanter thing with ice packed around it and scoops and bowls. Fresh make to order as well and it tasted amazing.
We had just wheeled everything out and Brandy then hauled me off to the bedroom part of the suite and we slipped into our bed things and got into the bed which has these thick and fluffy comforters as part of the bedding and we drifted off somewhere near the end of watching *Little Monsters* with Fred Savage and Howie Mandel on the TV.
It was a really, really incredible day.
…………………….I wake up when my alarm goes off and today’s the day. I have to go and do the presentation for the underwater sub project and to explain the work and research behind it and I’m nervous.
I’m nervous and I’m scared and I feel the whole social anxiety creeping up on my and making my need to do things to deal flare up.
I’m pacing and counting and waiting for room service coffee which I want but likely don’t need and Brandy comes out of the bedroom area and she’s wearing a sheet and her hair’s loose and wild looking and fuzzy-ish.
And she’s very beautiful like this.
She goes to the TV and turns it on and she flips through until she finds a digital radio channel playing classical music and plays it fairly loudly but not too loudly and she just gives me this beaming smile as she heads over to our bags and the shopping bags.
“You listen and shower and calm down and I will wait for the coffee and I will help you get ready and presentable in like for this whole business thing.”
I look at her and I nod…I try to smile as much as I can but it feels iffy but the music is already helping and instead of my fingers doing the counting thing my hands are flat and they’re turning in and out sort of waving with the music and I’m in that social knocked off my “game” space but I walk over, I make myself walk over and kiss her.
It’s not like I’m forcing myself to kiss her because I don’t want to kiss her but it’s one of those things where right now can’t is stronger than my want.
It’s a hard thing to force.
But Brandy’s worth it and she hugs me, she hugs me and let’s my hands still do whatever and she rocks with the cellos and the baseline of the music and that helps with the hug.
The coffee comes and by that time I’m feeling less scattered by the things that are looming and we have a cup each and I head to the shower and Brandy follows me.
We shower together which is good and it’s fun enough to help keep me from doing that mental self-harm distraction sort of thing that I do and then she does something that really, really helps me.
Please, please if you’re with someone like me and they don’t have touch issues please, please wash their back.
She’s using a shower puff but she’s washing kind of hard and it feels so good I actually groaned with how good that it felt.
After that and going into the routine that I have of getting fully ready with doing my hair and dressing and doing a good but business and not to make-up heavy business look I am feeling a lot better and a lot more stable it’s like each layer adds this layer of me feeling secure.
She’s dressed conservatively for her but at the same time she’s all allure and in all of those right alluring places.
A dark brown turtleneck dress that goes to her lower thighs and she’s dressed with nice under things and stockings that are black with this heavy seam and she has higher heels than I do and she’s straighten her hair like she usually does and she has nice tasteful make-up on and a pair of dark colored I think it’s called tortoise-shell nerdy-chic glasses even though she doesn’t wear them and it’s all tasteful too and yet when you look at all of her curves that she has as opposed to me it’s very alluring.
And really, really attractive.
And that helps me feel more in control.
And so does liking what I look like.
A medium grey pants suit with a nice cut to the jacket so the waist buttons give me a nice trim and the lower part of the jacket has a nice flair of hip and the pants are nice and fit well and they have a nice front panel but they are not those high waisted pant/slacks that I don’t care for and I have a nice wide but plain black leather belt that matches my shoes and my computer bag.
And I’m wearing a nice set of underwear by Jessica in a nice rose-tope and that has this nice effect with the semi-sheer white nylon blouse that I’m wearing. One button not done from the top so I show neck and maybe a tiny hint of bra because there’s a social power thing that Brandy says that comes from allure? But nothing more than that.
I am wearing just a little bit of perfume and I have a decent amount of deodorant on and then only other sort of really allure I have is the two inch heeled shoes that I’m wearing and white-tope stockings under the pants but so that they can be sort of seen?
Part of me wants to ask why but part of me knows why allure is used and there’s some part of me that wants that confidence.
And after all my life of not feeling this secure and in control of me looking in the mirror I see and I feel like I am and that I can go out and do this without battling dread all the way.
Brandy actually joins me as she’s going to help me with all of the things I have yet to do with going to Kinkos and getting all of my presentation things done and she looks good too and she’s in a dress and we call our car and have another coffee before getting my shoulder bag that she takes and my computer case that I have and we take our purses and we head down to face this new day and this new challenge.
Encrypted-22
Chapter 22
*Before…
I am wearing just a little bit of perfume and I have a decent amount of deodorant on and then only other sort of really allure I have is the two inch heeled shoes that I’m wearing and white-tope stockings under the pants but so that they can be sort of seen?
Part of me wants to ask why but part of me knows why allure is used and there’s some part of me that wants that confidence.
And after all my life of not feeling this secure and in control of me looking in the mirror I see and I feel like I am and that I can go out and do this without battling dread all the way.
Brandy actually joins me as she’s going to help me with all of the things I have yet to do with going to Kinkos and getting all of my presentation things done and she looks good too and she’s in a dress and we call our car and have another coffee before getting my shoulder bag that she takes and my computer case that I have and we take our purses and we head down to face this new day and this new challenge.
*And Now…
I will be ever more than grateful for Brandy as she helps and in a lot of ways too with more than taking care of me and helping me in all sorts of ways that I didn’t know would be helpful and that would actually be soothing.
Like getting not just the things that I wanted printed or helping me get them printed but she did little things like get really professional looking labels printed for each of the things that I had for the folders that have the hand outs in them.
I didn’t even think of labels but she did.
Then there’s the waiting and he sitting with me and talking and we’re going over her going in with me to just be there but to also be my assistant and to pass things out for me.
And she even asks me what order she’ll be passing them out in as I present things so she can have the people actually have the folders and hand-outs in hand as I go from section to section.
And she has gum.
She even has advice for gum… “Use a good strong mint with serious stuff it makes an impression cinnamon and fruity ones are too girly and fun and not serious. One piece so you’re not chewing on it and stop when you’re presenting or get rid of it so you don’t have an accident or chew on it out of habit.”
And of course before we go in she gives me a once over running her hands over my clothes to make sure that they’re straight and good looking and she looks me in the eyes.
“You can do this Maddy; you’re really good at this sort of thing.”
“Technical things yes but people I am not good with.”
“You’re good with me.”
“Honestly brandy it’s the other way around.”
“No, you treat me better than most ever have. There’s lots of character in that, people respond to good character.”
She holds my hand all the way into the presentation room and she says quietly. “I’d be kissing you good luck but I don’t want to mess up your lipstick.”
I smile at that and I’m honestly warmed by the thought of it too.
And then I’m in the meeting and there’s all these people that are waiting for my presentation and my analysis.
It is very hard.
And my social anxieties are really trying to win but there’s so many things that are in my favor now that are distracting me from all the things that make talking and explaining things without stuttering and stammering so hard.
My bra actually hugs me close, it’s binding feel actually seems to make me more aware of my breathing but in a good way. My make-up too, there’s this very positive way that it seems to feel like it’s shielding my face from all of the things and facial expressions that I’m not good with.
Having Asperger’s is very much like being given a human body and you’re really aware of things but you don’t really have the same instruction manual as to how to do the whole basic life things like everyone else. Behaviors and social cues are disturbingly confusing, it’s part emulation and a lot of cumulative wrong experiences that you just have to deal with along with a lot of things like how I process sensory information.
At least this way there’s a degree of facial cover that really and literally helps to mask my inevitable blunders.
Which thankfully aren’t many.
And the people here are far more interested in the technical aspects of things as to the particulars of the project and that’s reassuring.
There are two gentlemen who keep asking questions and they keep going over my work again and again until I step by step it and even literally go over the math with my laptop hooked to the projection screen unit.
And they still seem unhappy.
Brandy was a big help but she seems unhappy too?
I’m greeted by Mr. Stevenson who was the person here that was running this meeting on this end of things and he shakes my hand.
“You did very good work; this will save us in the long run.”
I nod and shake my hand and that’s another thing with being a woman is there’s room for me not having a clue as to how to give a proper handshake.
It’s always been one of those things with too many variables.
“The design had problems that would have come out in its implementation and likely while in the field it was what you wanted us to look for and to test for from our department. I am really happy though that at least you are happy.”
I’m looking at where the two other gentlemen had been sitting.
Mr. Stevenson looks embarrassed? He says. “I’m really sorry about those two.”
“Why, I know there was a lot of math especially when we were getting into the thickness versus structural integrity and pressure aspects.”
He looks at me like I did one of my things again.
“Uhm…no, they know the numbers and they knew the math they wanted to harass you.”
I’m confused. “Why, they don’t know me at all.”
“They’re the kind of guys it seems that don’t think that you know what you’re doing because you’re a woman.”
“Sex or gender has nothing to do with intelligence or applied intelligence or applied knowledge or experience…That’s kind of…really wrong.”
He nods. “Unfortunately it’s still an ongoing fight with men like them and with women in STEM fields.”
I nod. “They were being sexist then? I don’t pick up some social cues sometimes sorry.”
“Oh…Well no like I said it’s not your fault it their fault.”
I look at Brandy who is nodding though still looking mad and I’m pretty sure that this was what she was mad about since she seems less mad in general but still angered.
It’s actually nice; I mean it feels good that someone you are with actually gets mad for you.
I mean mad’s not nice but…but it’s nice having a defender.
I look to him and shake his hand one more time. “As long as there’s a note through you to your HR department then that will be fine with me. I’m actually very grateful for the opportunity and the chance to spend some time out here in Vancouver with my girlfriend.”
He looks at me and he blinks much like an owl and he looks at Brandy and blinks and then I can actually almost feel his brain process things and make the connection that we are together.
It’s not even me saying this figuratively, I can feel this close range almost hum or buzz of him processing things.
I really want to know what this is.
I want to find the Asian girl.
He has a grin on his face and he says. “I have a friend that works at The Tea House at Stanley Park and I can get you two a table as an apology. It’s nice and right by the water.”
I look at Brandy and she’s nodding and she looks actually happier now so I nod to him. “We would like that.”
We end up shaking hands again and he makes the call and gives our names and we have a table for two PM this afternoon and he’s even so kind as to tell us about what he’s had there as he walks us out and to our waiting car.
It is so worth it having a car service hired because not only do they know the city far better than I ever would or even Brandy but as soon as we’re off and going she’s leaned over my presentation things and she’s kissing me.
Soft and sweetly and that perfect wonderful sensation of lipstick on lipstick.