My Creative Writing teacher at Kennedy High School always told us to write what we know. Ms. Jacobs always liked to challenge her students to use our imaginations to the fullest. Little did I know how my life was about to change the day she gave us "The Assignment"
We were all seated when she came in and started taking the roll and then she went over and pulled the screen that covered the blackboard. On it was written " What My Life Would Be Like As The Opposite Sex" This was greeted by several derogatory comments from the musclebound section of the room, followed by a loud murmur of discussion from the girls. I just sat there in silence just taking it all in. I had always wondered about what it would be like if I had been born a girl. The class finally settled down and she went on to explain what she would require from us with this assignment. "The jocks in the corner will give this their best effort or they will fail and will be suspended for the rest of the season. I have informed Coach Peterson that some of you are skating on thin ice already" Ms. Jacobs warned. She then told us we had two weeks to gather as much information and put our imaginations into a ten page paper which would count for thirty percent of our grade.
Our school is not well known for being tolerant of differences. If you weren't a Jock or a Cheerleader, you were considered a nobody. We had the usual problems with drugs, underage drinking and fights. There were some people in our school that stood out like sore thumbs, while other just tried to blend in. I thought I was in the latter category, but I soon found out that sometimes you are the last to know. That day was just like any other in the story that makes up my pathetic existence. Just getting to Ms. Jacob's class had been an adventure in itself. Blake Chisholm and Bruce Wilson had tripped me in the hall and laughed as I fell flat on my face. It was all I could do to suck it up and not break down and cry. I just couldn't give them that satisfaction. When I entered class, Rachel Wright had been the only one who expressed any concern for me whatsoever. The other girls didn't really speak to me because it was considered "uncool" to speak to the class doormat. I was too ashamed to speak to any of the teachers or the Principal because being an informer was considered a sure fire way to more severe consequences.
I left the classroom with ideas floating around in my head and decided that I needed the help of someone who knows what being a girl is really like. My sister, Joanie, was the only one I knew I could trust to help me. I did have one of the cooler cars in the student parking lot. It was a Candy Apple Red 65' Mustang my granddad left me when he died and that did earn me a small amount of respect from the "Gear Heads". I got in and made my way home. Joanie was just getting in the door herself. She had gotten a ride home from Josh Clark, her boyfriend of six months. She was one of the prettiest Sophomore girls in our school. I was one year older and scrawny as I could be. I might have weighed 130 at the most. I told her about my assignment and her eyes lit up with excitement. She then started talking ninety miles an hour about all the things I could do to experience what it is like to be a girl. Somewhere in the middle, I put up my hand and motioned for her to stop. She finally wound down and I was able to lay out my fears and anxieties about what the other kids would do to me if I dared come to school like that. She told me that we could experiment by dressing me in one of her outfits and doing my makeup. I reluctantly agreed and she told me to go take a bath and wash my hair. I went in and stripped my clothes off and ran a steaming hot bath. Joanie had a jar of lavender bath beads next to the tub and I decided to add a few for the effect. The bathroom was filled with sweet fragrance. Joanie hollered from the other side of the bathroom door to lather up and shave my legs and pits. Strangely enough, I had never really had to shave my face and my legs and armpits were not all that hairy either. I guess I was a late bloomer who had yet to bloom. After completing a good soak and taking care of all that she required, I stepped out of the tub and was greeted by a pink towel with a pair of pink polka dotted panties and a matching bra. I wondered how she got in here unnoticed. I guess I fell asleep or something.
I came out of the bathroom with the towel wrapped around my head and wearing the bra and panties. I felt a little empty on top and mentioned it to her. She just laughed and explained that the "Boob Fairy" doesn't just make a stop and give them to you at once. She did finally agree that we really didn't have a lot of time for me to experience this, so she then produced two lifelike forms and inserted them in each cup. She sat me down at her vanity and started rolling my wet hair. As she worked, she explained how to do it and in what order they needed to go in. I figured that it would just be one more experience to add to my paper. She then, put a net over them and set me under our mother's salon dryer in her bedroom. As my hair was drying, she began to work on getting my toenails and fingernails filed and polished in a Rose Pink shade. They had been a mess! The dryer dinged and she took me out from under it and sat me back down at her vanity. Her mirror has an old comforter draped over it so I couldn't see anything. She began by moisturizing my face and then started trimming and plucking my eyebrows. It hurt! She assured me that nobody would really be able to tell if they had been too feminine. I trusted her so I let her go on and do her thing. She then started on foundation and applied it with a cosmetic sponge. She used translucent powder to set it and then started working on my eyes, lining them with a pencil and adding shadow and mascara. She blended some beige blue and copper tones into my lids and brushed my lashes with two coats of mascara on the upper and lower lids. She then added some peach blush to my cheeks and outlined my lips in mauve, finishing with a medium Starburst Pink on my lips. She had me change into a pair of nude pantyhose, white satin slip, matching camisole and sleeveless button down white satin blouse with Rose Pink knee length skirt and matching jacket. She then sat me down and removed the rollers, brushing out my hair and giving it some body. Thank goodness I had always kept it long. I would have hated to wear a wig in this hot weather. She brought out some matching pink 2" heels and slipped them on my feet. It seemed odd that they fit me perfectly, because both my mother and sister had smaller feet than I do. Anyway, She got me standing up and helped steady me. She asked me to close my eyes and then open then when she told me. She removed the comforter and then counted one, two, three. I opened my eyes and said "Oh My God" and then fainted!
It suddenly occurred to me that she had taken my eyebrows solidly over to the girl's side of the fence. Things started to add up and I suddenly started to smell a rat. The shoes and the eyebrows were just two pieces of the puzzle. Mom and Dad were totally unfazed by the whole situation. When they suddenly called me Alyce instead of Alex. I definitely knew something was up. I began to get very upset and demanded answers and very soon!
Mom and Dad sat me up and then started telling me a strange story of how and why I was now Alyce. Mom said that the school counselor had given me some tests that were explained away as general aptitude tests. I just thought they needed to see what my vocational interests were and just went along with it. It turned out that the interest inventory was actually tied to a personality test and it was found that my interests and personality were oriented very strongly to that of a girl. It seems that people had been asking my parents privately for years about whether I was a girl or a boy. They didn't want to put any undue stress on me by telling me what had been said. I was a little angry with them for keeping me in the dark about this for all these years.
They realized that something had to be done when they were called into a conference with the Principal, teachers ,counselors and Resource officers. The resource officers had installed Closed Circuit cameras in all the hallways and classrooms in the school. The goons that had been tripping me in the hallways had been caught red handed and suspended from school pending further investigation. They were looking at expulsion once the tapes were shown to the school board.
I asked them if the creative writing project was part of the whole scheme and they said that it was a first step in opening people's eyes to what was going on within their own school and community. It was only a small part of a greater goal to increase awareness of what it means to be male or female. Sociologists on the State level wanted to try something after seeing so many cases of domestic violence in the court system. They feel early intervention is a key to stemming the rise in cases. If each of the kids could think about what it would be like as he opposite sex, then it might change some ideas. They realized that the older generation was too set in their ways. They asked several teachers at the State meetings to introduce the topic of your paper in their classes as a first step in changing some attitudes.
" So you can see, it is a legitimate project due in two weeks just as Ms. Jacobs said" Dad explained.
"We thought it would also be a way to finally draw you out of your shell too" Mom added.
I told them that all they had to do was ask me and I would have told them about how I really felt.
They said that the writing project would give me a valid excuse for being dressed that way all the time around the school. The school board wants to increase awareness of diversity in hopes of heading off another school shooting like Heath High School. They were afraid that if they didn't step in and take action, I or someone else, would begin lashing out in a very destructive way. I started to cry when I realized that they really were concerned and not just turning a blind eye to my pain.
They had also set up an appointment with a therapist who specializes in Gender Identity. The school had already told them that they were going to go along with whatever my therapist will recommend. It should be fun to see what happens in school tomorrow. I can't wait!
I went to bed that night in a long pink nightgown with butterflies on it. Joanie had shown me how to remove my makeup and cleanse my skin. I settled down to sleep and for the first time in years, I slept through the night.
I actually had pleasant dreams for a change. It was kind of a surreal experience because I kept seeing my fellow classmates walking around in drag. Some of them looked really good and others were just plain silly or even scary. The football players were walking around with hairy legs and arms while the girls sported mascara mustaches that resembled Zorro. I couldn't help but giggle! I wondered if there really would be anyone else besides me going all out tomorrow?
I also dreamed of the things I would now get to do as Alyce. For some wild reason, I was even seeing myself pregnant and having a baby! Whoa! I think my mind is starting to run away now. I wonder what was in that tea Mom gave me?
The alarm jarred me from a sound sleep and I realized that from now on, I would be getting up quite a bit earlier that I used to, Thankfully our house has a bathroom off of each bedroom and we didn't have to wait in line to get ready. I wondered if Dad and Mom somehow knew they would have two daughters when they had the house built? It seems like a case of psychic phenomena at play. Joanie did have to come and do my makeup and hair and she attached my breastforms with adhesive. One thing that definitely proved to her that I was her sister, was my indecision about what to wear.
After I came to last night, Mom and Joanie had come into my room with shopping bags from just about every store that catered to teenage girls at Pinecrest Mall. They had every one of my sizes converted over. I even found out that Joanie and I could even share a few items that were the same size. Joanie even presented me with my own diary and started a scrapbook with some pictures we had taken last night. I was relieved that they hadn't taken any while I was passed out. I finally selected a denim skirt and a lavender blouse to wear with a pair of white canvas sneakers and white socks.
I got dressed and then headed down to breakfast. Joanie had called Josh and told him that she was riding with me. She felt that I needed her support this morning. I got up out of my chair and hugged her and told her how much I love being her sister. We tried not to cry, but we lost the battle and both broke out laughing at each others raccoon eyes. We repaired our faces and then headed to my car. On the way to school, we talked about what we were going to do this weekend. I parked the car in the student lot and we walked in to school together. She gave me a hug and then left for her homeroom. I turned down the hall toward the Junior Class wing and I was in for a shock!
As I turned down the hall, I saw Rachel standing there waiting for me. She didn't seem surprised at all about seeing me dressed like I was. She commented that it was about time I quit hiding under boys clothes. I just stood there and said "Huh? Once again my family had not been the only ones to see something I hadn't. I am so clueless! Anyway, she asked me if I could help her with the project. She said I knew about what it was like to be a boy and she could teach me what I needed to be a girl. I thought it was a great idea. She had always been one of the few people that had treated me like a human being. I wondered if I would be a reliable source of intelligence since I had so obviously failed to convince people that I was much of a male specimen. She told me that she felt more comfortable working with me than some of the others in the class. They always seemed to think that she was not worthy of their time and treated her with indifference much the same way they had done to me. We agreed to get together and talk more about it at lunch.
I went to my homeroom and was further surprised by the lack of a negative reaction by my classmates. I thought it was really strange when the girls gathered around me and asked me where I got such a cute outfit and "What took you so long? I was stunned! I just had to ask why no one had ever said anything to me before now? I was told that they didn't really know what to make of me and were afraid of saying something to offend me. There it was again. The same reason my parents had given for not telling me all these years. I was seething inside that I was so blind for so long. In those first few moments of class, barriers had been broken and I was no longer in the shadows. I believe it will take me a while to fully trust anything anyone tells me. I felt like I had been betrayed and so many had allowed me to suffer needlessly for far too many years. I took my books and sulked off to an isolated corner of the room. In my heart, I knew I was being childish, but I had to work through this hurt. I realized that I needed to talk to someone so I went to Mrs. Avery's office. She was not one of the counselors that had been in on the meetings with my parents. She had just returned from Maternity leave so I felt I could talk to her without her having any preconceived ideas.
Mrs. Avery came into the room and saw me sitting there waiting, my facial features telling her that I really needed to talk to someone. She came over and sat down next to me and asked me what was on my mind. I told her how upset I was about my parents electing not to tell me what others had been saying about me behind my back. I told her how alone I had been all these years when so many classmates had totally ignored me and even bullied me so many times. I told her about being tripped in the hallway the previous day. I did express my relief that the incidents hadn't gone unnoticed and the perpetrators were being dealt with. She admitted that she had been given basic details about my situation when she arrived this morning and was prepared if I had needed to chat. I told her that my sister Joanie and my mother had purchased shoes and clothes for me even before I knew about the assignment for Creative Writing. I thought I had let my initial anger subside, but when I showed up dressed like this, not one of my classmates had expressed any surprise at all. On the contrary, they asked me why it took me so long to show my real self.
I told her that I was mad at myself for not recognizing what everyone else had claimed to know all along. I related what had happened last night when I saw myself in the mirror and admitted that I had often wondered what it would have been like if I had been born a girl. Once Joanie had completed my makeover, a sense of peace had settled over me and it felt like a missing piece of the puzzle had been put in place. I told her that I was in the process of finding a therapist I could trust to guide me through this. She told me she knew a very good one and would give me her name and number if I wanted.I told her that I would rather make that decision instead of my parents. She said it was important for me to feel comfortable with who I would be working with. I agreed and told her that I wanted the reference. She gave me the information and told me to come see her if I needed to talk further. She gave me a pass and a written excuse. I thanked her and left for my next class.
The day continued much the same way with little surprise expressed over my appearance. I met Rachel in the lunchroom and we agreed to meet together to exchange ideas about our approach to the assignment. I suggested that we could get together after school and she could pick my brain. She told me that we could look in her closet and see what would fit me and then she would teach me some more makeup techniques. It blows my mind about how normal it feels to relate to Rachel as another girlfriend. I told her what had been happening in all my classes so far and how amazed I was at her reaction to me. I told her about the anger I felt toward my parents and to a lesser degree Joanie for keeping me in the dark for so long. I told her about feeling so clueless about what had been going on around me. She admitted that I looked like I was really at peace as Alyce. We got up and headed off to our class together marveling at how close we felt and looking forward to the further adventures ahead.
When school finally ended, I let out a huge sigh of relief and started walking to my car. People passed me and actually said "Hi" for the first time ever. I was still nursing my anger at my family, but this did make me feel better. I had hope that things would be better from now on. I had a growing friendship with Rachel and the prospect of more from others in the school. I drove home and got there about the same time as Joanie. The tears began to fall as I ran past her into the house and she was left stunned and wondering what she did to upset me. I ran to my room and locked the door. I realized that I was probably being unfair, but my hurt had festered all day and I had allowed it to overwhelm me. Joanie was pleading for me to open the door and I finally gave in. She had tears in her eyes and said she was sorry for whatever had upset me. She came over and sat on my bed. I turned to her with tears rolling down my cheeks and everything came spilling out. All my anger, frustrations and self doubt, my feeling of betrayal toward Mom and Dad and how my mind had begun to assign blame to my parents for allowing me to go through all the crap I had endured for so long. I was still trying to get my mind around their reasons for doing what they did. Joanie apologized for her part in making me feel this way. I told her that I had thought I had put this behind me last night, but when I had gotten to school and saw how my classmates reacted, it all came flooding back.
She asked me to wait while she made a phone call and notify Mom and Dad about the need for a family meeting. Thankfully, she didn't go into the reasons for it over the phone and she waited by me on the couch as my parents each pulled into the driveway around the same time. Joanie squeezed my hand and gave me a hug. It was time to clear the air and get past the hurt and move on. They came in and sat down across from me and immediately knew that it was me that had called for the meeting.
I tearfully began to talk about my day and how my anger had returned when confronted by my classmates. I admitted that I felt resentment toward them for keeping all this from me and that I had begun to blame them for all the bullying and general apathy that people had shown toward me. They felt they were doing what they felt was right for me at the time. I was still not completely satisfied with their reasons. They then dropped a bomb I never saw coming. They told me that I had been born intersexed and they had been ashamed that they had not had a perfect son or daughter. They decided they wanted a son and would fight hard to keep me that way. They finally began to realize that I was a girl as puberty set in, but they were still trying to deny it. They allowed my uncertainty to continue out of their own selfish desires.
Things came to a head after they were called into the conference at school. They saw the tapes and they could no longer allow me to be stuck in their version of reality. The class assignment was seen as their way out of the corner they painted for themselves. Mom went home and told my sister about what was really going on with me and they went and bought the clothes and shoes for me. Since Joanie knew about the assignment, she was ready when I mentioned it. She suggested all the things I could do to experience life as a girl as a means to finally begin getting me out in the open. Dad finally admitted that a large part of the story they told me last night was pure fabrication. He insisted that Dr. Wegman's medical judgment played a big part in their thinking at the time. He came from the old school of medical practice which believed that outside visual cues were the only factor in determining gender. The State had not totally supported this idea. The topic turned out to be an interesting topic for the class, but had not actually been a part of a social experiment as he first said.
I told them that I was still very angry at them and wanted to choose my own therapist. They would have to work for a long time to restore my trust in them. I also told them that if they dared to keep anything from me again, I was moving out for college and they would never see me again. Mom had tears in her eyes and told me she was sorry and vowed to never lie or keep things from me again. They approved of me choosing my therapist and said they would support me. Dad admitted that he took the cowards way out for so many years with me and promised things would be different from now on. Now I had to choose to move forward and concentrate on doing this paper the best I could. I did make up my mind that I would get some straight answers out of Doc Wegman sooner rather than later. I put that out of my mind for the moment and Tomorrow wold be an interesting day for the old fart. I picked up the phone and called Rachel and got the ball rolling on everything. Somehow, I knew I had begun to turn the corner. This project would be very interesting and I was looking forward to getting to know more about my new friend along the way. I gathered up my materials and headed over to Rachel's house with a much lighter heart.
To be continued....
I left the house and began walking toward Rachel's house. Ten minutes later, I was on her front porch getting ready to press the button on the doorbell. It opened suddenly and there stood Rachel with a look of excitement on her face. I made a mental note to myself not to let her have any sugar. The way she was wound up, she would have gone into orbit with very little effort. She asked me if I wanted something to drink and I ask her if she had anything diet. She got us both a drink and we walked upstairs to her room.
I was surprised to find a video camera set up on a tripod. She told me that she wanted to tape the interview so she wouldn't forget what I said. We sat down on her bed before she turned on the camera and I brought her up to date on the latest news about what my parents had done to me from birth. She took my hands in hers as the tears rolled down my face. She let me cry on her shoulder for ten minutes before I composed myself. I looked up and noticed she had been crying as well. In all the years I had known her, I had never noticed how beautiful her eyes were . Deep pools filled with understanding and another thing that left me breathless, Love! She smiled at me and I finally let myself speak. I asked her how long she had been in love with me? She admitted that she had been drawn to me for years, but she was confused for a long time. She was attracted to girls and never could quite figure out her attraction to me. When I came to school as Alyce, the pieces finally fell into place. She felt I was her dream come true.
It was my turn to admit my true feelings for her. I told her that I had always been attracted to her and I could never figure out why the feeling was never returned. Of course it all made sense now. I smiled at her and she leaned over and softly brushed her lips against mine. The intensity picked up and in a short time we were playing "Tonsil Hockey" The kiss felt like a thousand fireworks exploding across the night sky. I could swear I saw the different colors reflected in her eyes. We finally did come up for air. What a rush! We didn't dare go any further than that, but it was a wonderful beginning!
We did finally get around to discussing the assignment. Ms. Jacobs even told us we could role play as part of the experience. Rachel told me that she had discussed it with her mother and she told her that she was okay with doing what we had to to get a realistic idea about what it was like. She then told me that her Aunt Jane was a professional Makeup artist at the local theater. She agreed to transform Rachel into a guy for the remainder of the two weeks. She talked about all the things we could experience together. We could date each other as Boy/Girl without getting grief about being two lesbians out and about. We would go two or three towns over so people we knew wouldn't give us any trouble. She did assure me that she had absolutely no desire to become a guy permanently. I told her that I was into girls and I didn't think that would change. She knew that I was staying as a girl after this was over so that eased her mind too. We did discuss our future beyond the assignment and we both decided we would be out and proud without hiding who we were.
I discussed my upcoming confrontation with Dr. Wegman over his part in what was done to me. We always thought that he looked older than dirt and he had been my family doctor for as long as I could remember. My parents told me that he came from the old school philosophy regarding Intersex conditions. He believed that you could change the outside sex organs and and that was the end of the story. Even when the research later proved that Gender Identity was in the brain, he still refused to adjust with the times. I told her that I had my work cut out for me. She suggested that I talk to her mother about transferring to their family doctor. Her name was Dr. Davidson and she had been in practice for five years. She was constantly on top of the latest medical breakthroughs . I told her that I would probably look into it.
We spent the rest of the time working on her mannerisms so she could pass as "Randy" convincingly. She then had me work on getting used to wearing heels and perfecting my makeup. Sitting and standing was a comedy of errors for both of us and we dissolved into fits of giggles. After about an hour of work, we were getting better. We decided that we wouldn't get into it full force until at least Friday. Her Aunt Jane was going to drop by early Friday morning to do the transformation. She would let Ms. Jacobs and the school administrators know so they could arrange for her to be excused from Gym and use the Unisex bathroom. We chatted a bit longer and got in a few more kisses and then I left for home.
I got home to find Mom and Dad watching a movie and Joanie in her room talking on the phone to her friend Becky. Mom could tell immediately that something wonderful had happened between Rachel and I. Maybe it was the million Watt smile on my face or maybe it was Rachel's Pink lipstick that I neglected to wipe off ? They were both happy for me and told me they were solidly behind me. Mom and Dad assured me that they would back me up when I went for my appointment with Dr. Wegman the next morning. I hugged them both and told them I was ready to hit the sack. I stopped by Joanie's room and she wanted all the juicy details about my evening with Rachel. I told her I was too tired to talk and I told her that we would talk in the morning. I went to my room, did my nightly ritual and slipped on a silk nightgown. My head hit the pillow and I was out!
The next morning, my alarm went off and I dragged myself out of bed and hit the shower. I got out and dried myself adding Lavender body powder . I dressed in the most feminine outfit I had in my closet and put my newly acquired makeup skills to the test. Maybe after Dr. Wegman saw me, he would kill over dead from a heart attack. I know that wasn't nice, but it might spare me from even going a round with him. On second thought, I was looking forward to telling that jerk where to go. I finished getting ready, met Mom and Dad downstairs and we headed out to his office.
Mom and Dad again reassured me that they were solidly behind me. We got there fifteen minutes later and walked in to the waiting area. His Receptionist was the same age as he was and had been working for him for as long as he had been in practice. Mrs. Webster was a bit more open minded and had seen more than her share of unusual things. Mom told her that we had an appointment and she actually looked at me and smiled. She actually said she loved my dress. Nurse Reynolds called me back to take my vitals. She then led Mom and I back to an exam room and we waited for almost thirty minutes. Dr. Wegman came in and his words were "What In God's name...? Mom told him the game was over and I knew everything. He turned white as a sheet and a look of horror was plastered all over his face. I told him that his days of lying to me were finished!