A Psalm of Dorothy
My God, I am in distress
And my sorrow threatens to drown me
All I want to do is serve you
Love you
But I do not understand you
Do my tears please you?
What benefit is there for you in my pain?
Would my being complete make a difference to you
That you would rather condemn me to hell instead?
For Justice has fled the earth Lord,
And Mercy has become a captive
But like Anna at the temple
Still I wait for you
Until you restore my soul
When you do, I will be able to sing your praises to the people
And my voice will be heard in the throng
And all the people will see your blessings on me
And will give you glory for your great mercy
Which uplifts the weak and helpless
So do not tarry God
But act quickly, lest your servant be overcome
Do not let my enemy win God
For you are my only hope
And your great loving-kindness never fails
Amen
Big Closet is Like Heaven
Tried to be a boy, although it felt so strange
knew I was a girl, told I was insane
needed a place where they knew my name.
A friendly place, instead of more of the same
A fish out of water, a lion out of the jungle
(was a) A fish out of water, a lion out of the jungle
I needed to be me, to be me, somewhere to be me
I've got BC fever, someone showed me some love
found some people, finally found some people
to relate to, to relate to
found some people, finally found some people
to relate to, to relate to
No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven
No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven
No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven
I was hiding from the world, trying to be a man
felt like there was nowhere I could take a stand
wanted to take off the mask, take down the screen
go to a place where I can be the real me
found some people, finally found some people
to relate to, to relate to
found some people, finally found some people
to relate to, to relate to
No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven
No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven
No more need to travel, travel forever
found a home, feels like I'm in heaven
Feels like heaven
feels like heaven
feels like heaven
BC is like heaven
I finally feel at home
I finally feel at home
I finally feel at home.
BC is like heaven
Big Closet is like heaven
Big Closet is like heaven
Its like heaven
(Based on Madagascar 2 - The Traveling Song)
Bleeding
Author’s note. This is a poem that popped into my head today. Its gonna be tough, as it deals with sexual abuse. Please be careful reading it.
(I cant do music, but imagine a soft, sad guitar playing while you read this)
I’m ... bleeding ...
just when he entered me
Bleeding ...
never will be free
Bleeding ...
cant let anyone see
Bleeding ...
what he made of me
Bleeding ...
and no one can ever know
Bleeding ...
so its go on with the show
Still bleeding ....
Bleeding ...
(imagine a soft guitar instrumental here)
Bleeding ...
stuff all the pain inside
Bleeding ...
from the world I hide
Bleeding ...
so filled with shame
Bleeding ...
because I took the blame
Bleeding ...
cant show anyone my tears
Bleeding ...
to scared to face my fears
So I keep bleeding ....
Still bleeding ...
(instrumental)
Bleeding ...
will I ever heal
Bleeding ...
show a face that’s real
Bleeding ...
will there be any love for me
Bleeding ...
if the truth they see
Bleeding ...
try to hold on
Bleeding ...
and hope for a different song
And the day I stop ...
Bleeding ...
(Instrumental and fade)
BOXES by Dorothy Colleen
On every form I am sent
There is a box I must fill
Each time that it comes up
It gives me such a chill
Male - female
Mr. , Miss
Check one box
They do insist
Pick one that fits you
Decide your fate
But it’s a question
I have come to hate
No matter what side
Which one I choose
It’s only a game
And I always lose
No matter my answer
It feels so wrong
An alternative I seek
My feelings are strong
One day I may break out
Find my own voice
Not let my spirit
Be someone else’s choice
But windows have shutters
And doors have locks
And for now I am stuck
Defined in a box
Broken
Was there ever a moment when I wasn’t broken?
Do my fractures have an origin, or was I conceived shattered, destined to be in pieces before I took a breath?
I look back, try to retrace the movements that led me to where I am, and I cannot find a moment when these cracks didnt exist, no time when I was ever whole.
But does how it began matter, really?
My task is the same regardless - to try and take the shards of self and see if I can carefully work them back together.
And then maybe, just maybe, when I’m done I’ll be like a stained glass window - adding beauty to the light that shines through me.
And maybe, just maybe, that’s already happening now.
Wouldn’t that be the coolest thing?
CANDLES
I light a candle on my sill today
In the name of a friend passed away
My life a little darker now
My knees bend, my head I bow
As I struggle to answer why
My friend would choose to die
A story finished way too soon
Death brings shadow to sun and moon
Tears will flow down the side of my face
‘cause in my heart an empty place
So I light a candle, beat back the night
End the dark, erase the fright
Oh my God, to you I pray
As I light a candle on this day
My window sill is filled you see
With too many candles, so no more please
May this be the last time God, I sigh
That my heart breaks and tears I cry
To all who suffer, when it seems bleak
You must go through the valley to find the peak
I beg you now, please hold on
Remember every night turns back to dawn
A candle simply cant replace
A life, a touch, a soul, a face
Please seek help, reach out, I cry
Call on me, I will listen I will try
don’t take your life, please don’t kill
don’t be reduced to a candle on a sill
Contact
Her gait unsteady
Eyes that see poorly
She is vulnerable
As a child
But with an adult body
She takes my hand
Hers are scarred
Broken by bite marks
She locks our fingers
Slight smile on her face
As she giggles
As if the fog lifts for a moment
I wonder at her thoughts
Then connection broken
She lets go
And returns to her dreams
Now only memory remains
As the only evidence
That this fleeting moment
Happened at all
Dear God
Some people claim they know just how to reach you
The best way to pray
Some say on your knees
Some say with your hands in the air
I will try either way
Or both
If you will just listen
Because I have a question
I have just got to ask you
Would it be ok
If I was your daughter
Instead of your son?
I promise to dress extra pretty for church
And I will give my boyclothes to charity
I don’t want to offend you
I just need to know
Do I go forward?
Or have I gone too far?
Some people think I am just playing
But you know better, right?
It’s a serious question
I want you to love me
I don’t want to go to hell
And I know you are busy
But I would like to know
Will you pick me up in your arms
And be my Daddy forever?
I will be a good girl, God
I promise
Because right now I am crying
Because this hurts so much
So please
Wont you send some love to me?
So I know you still want me?
I will try and wait for an answer God
But sooner would be better
Because I don’t know how much more I can take
before its too much
So please send an angel
Because I am still your child
Amen
FLINCH
Be careful how you approach me
Sorry if I flinch
You see, sometimes
When a car backfires
Or I receive an unexpected touch
Even from a welcome hand
And I am back in the past
Lost in a nightmare
Like a child in a dark room
And even ordinary things
Take on a dangerous shape
And I tend to remove myself from danger
By drawing within
So be careful how you approach me
Sorry if I flinch
After the BAD THING
Hammer blow to my soul
Shattered into a thousand pieces
Each piece a memory
An identity
Sweep the pieces into a pile
Jigsaw them back together
But small shards keep coming out
Preventing the formation
Of a functional whole
Worse the pieces are sharp or fragile
Can cut deep when handled
Or break even further apart
But what I am making is a collage
A kaleidoscope of the broken pieces
Maybe not the original
But perhaps still a beautiful result
Worthy of the light shining through
GARDEN OF LOVE/ SCORCHED EARTH
I pass by a garden of love
Once planted and tended by a pair of friends
Now reduced to a tinder
Bare and black with ash
The gardeners sit in opposite corners
Unwilling to surrender their part
Of the savaged earth
Each guilty of striking the match
That set the place ablaze
It was lost quickly to the fire
Because there is no hotter flame
Than the one that blazes
When love turns to spite
I hope that this garden will serve as a warning
And remind all gardeners of the dangers
Of the weeds of neglect
The withering rot of loss of respect
But especially the risk
Of such an overwhelming flame
That even the children planted in the garden
Can be destroyed
Or carry burn scars ever after.
Good Days/Bad Days
On Good days
I look at myself and say
‘When did I get so strong?”
“How did I become so brave”
“Who is the beautiful woman I see in the mirror?”
But it doesnt last
And bad days come again
And I feel weak
And scared
And ugly
I know I cant go back to being a boy
But it seems like I have no way to become a girl
And have no guarantee it would be any better for me if I could be one
I feel stuck and trapped and have no hope
lonely and worthless
On those days
I try and remember the things I am grateful for
My friends, my job, my daughter, my God
And how far I’ve come on the journey in such a short time
And hold on
Until the good days come again.
GRANNY’S SONG
When I was a young girl, my granny held me on her knee
She used to tell me stories about our great country
Stories about the riggin’ men and the cowboys true
About the winters so cold, turn your fingers blue
She taught me right from wrong, to be good to everyone
And to never leave a chore alone, until it has been done
Sometimes I could ride a horse, or go in a pickup truck
I thought that nobody else had ever had such luck
She would sing of the river red, and how she would long
For the range, and her man, my granddaddy, who was so strong
I would come from the city, filled with dirt and smog
Just to hear her sing, ride a swing, and play with the dog
Her love for me was so great, I could never pay her back
I did what I could for her, her hay I would help stack
So one day I asked a favour, to write the words to her song
To make sure that the old stories would be sure to live on
I wanted to make her proud, so she would know that one day there
I would go into the country, and sit upon a chair
I would take my child, and put her on my knee
And tell the same sweet stories, that my granny had told me
The stories will never die, they will go on and on
The memories are made fresh, they come alive in this song
GRASP THE SWORD TIGHTLY
by Dorothy Colleen
There is a sword being forged
Called “Being Male”
Forged in fires hot as the sun
The crowd has demanded
I grasp the blade
No protection
No time for it to cool
To ignore the searing pain
And the smell of my burning flesh
And wield the sword always
And they will never let me let it go
Haunted
I remember the moment I became haunted.
Kindergarten, first day, they lined us up
Boys on one side, girls on the other
And as soon as they put me with the boys, the haunting began
The ghost being the girl I should have been
And as time went by
That haunting, that echo of what could have been
Only grew worse.
Until the day the doctor took me the first time
And my mind split
And the girl went deep inside
And I started being haunted by darker things
But that girl wouldnt stay hidden
So i became doubly haunted
My body a home for ghosts
Time passed
Torment ebbed and flowed
Until I got brave enough to face my ghosts
Merged the girl back inside
So she could finally grow up to be a woman
And I was haunted by her no more
And shrunk down the memories of horror
Until they were manageable size
At least most of the time
And good days outnumbered bad
And although at times I’m still haunted
My ghosts are less scary
I’ll take it.
End
For Maggie Finson
Helene's Song
Trapped in female form
With a chip inside my brain
I must obey its every whim
or suffer tremendous pain
Mostly made to be a wife
keep the house clean and sweep
act as happy as I can
although inside I weep
But sometimes I am commanded
to play the wanton slut
Show off my tits and ass
wear high heels and strut
my “master” laughs on those days
he knows the shame I feel
when forced to beg for sex
pretend our “love” is real
my torment continues day to day
no end I did foresee
unless my “master got bored
and ended my life, set me free
But then this ghost, this girl arrived
she walked through my wall today
knew the truth, said she would avenge
my tormentors she'd make pay
Not much freedom she could give me
just enough to find a gun
take my life, end my pain
deny them all their fun
My soul released to heaven's care
bright shining as the sun
revenge I leave to her care
she will not rest 'till its done
As for me, I am at rest
my soul has found its peace
and I pray for that girl
that she should find release
So I pray for her, as I send my thanks
for taking me from hell
I will keep watch, and comfort send
and her story I will tell
for although evil men must pay
it can stain the soul
and she deserves much more
than pay such dreadful toll
Hybrid by Dorothy Colleen
I am a hybrid
A mixture
2 sides in conflict
Male and female spirits
Collide within
Each contending
Each in turn
Ascends then
Descends again
Could they ever blend
Mix together
Make a synthisis
Stronger than either alone
Only time will tell
But for now I wait
To see the shape that will emerge
From my inner shell
And my transformation
To be complete
And for the day when I am whole
And strong
At last.
I Hate My Toes: A Trans Girl’s Lament
I hate my toes,
I hate my nose
And I really hate it when my belly shows
I hate my hair
I had to share
That I really dont think it’s fair
Because If I was perfect,
in every way
I’d be happy
Or so I say
I hate my ears
They’re out to here
or at least that’s what I fear
I hate my lips
I hate my hips
and I really hate it when my clothing slips
But if I was perfect
in every way
I’d be happy
Or so I say
I find faults in every part
and it really breaks my heart
That I need to be perfect
in every way
to be happy
Or so I say
But my love say’s that I’m perfect
just as I am today
And that makes me happy
as I work and play
She loves my toes
She loves my nose
And She loves it when my belly shows
She love my hair
She stops and stares
And she says we make the perfect pair
Yes my love says I’m perfect
in every way
She makes me happy
Every single day
She loves my ears
they make her cheer
And she’s taking away all my fears
She loves my lips
She loves my hips
And she really loves it when my clothing slips
My love says I’m perfect
in every way
She makes me happy
Every single day
I no longer have a broken heart
no longer find faults in every part
Because my love says I’m perfect
in every way
She makes me happy
Every single day
End
It's Only Grief
You come up to me
Say “Why so sad?
You look so glum
you must feel bad”
I wish to say
“It's too much this pain
it overwhelms
comes again and again
But it's only grief
it's only grief”
You'd say “whats this pain?
What makes you down
and turns a smile
into a frown?”
I think “it's simple
I'm a man outside
but within my heart
a girl does reside
But it's only grief
it's only grief”
You'd ask“I'd like to know
how this could be
when you look
like a male to me”
“But it's true!”
I'd exclaim with zeal
“I know this girl
within is real
But it's only grief
it's only grief”
“You must be mad!
And put away!
We could cure you”
That's what you'd say
“No madness now”
I would reply
“And from such 'cure'
I would fly”
You would state
“you're lost in sin!
To think you're male without
and a girl within”
“No sin intended,
no shame, says I
For to God I cling,
and pray” I'd cry
“But it's only grief
It's only grief
Now speak no more!
Be silent, voice!
I cannot stop
I have no choice!
One day this grief
it will be gone
and left behind
while I go on”
Those are the words
inside my heart
but I dont say outloud
my lips don't part.
Athough my heart may break
no one will see
for I can't say yet
“Let me be me”
It's only grief
my secret shame
I hate it so
myself I blame
One day that will change
may it be soon
I pray to God
to grant this boon
I'll stand up proud
say with relief
“I will be true
have no more grief”
Until that day
I struggle so
and because of fear
you will never know
Lie to me
Lie to me
Tell me I’m okay.
‘cause all I see is darkness
When I look my way
My failures grow like flowers
My weakness steals my powers
so
Lie to me
And tell me I’m okay.
****
Lie to me
Tell me I’m okay
‘Cause my sin is ever before me
And I find it hard to pray
All I see is grief I’ve caused
till I wish my life had paused
So
Lie to me
And tell me I’m okay.
****
Lie to me
Tell me I’m okay
‘cause when I look in the mirror
I wonder where beauty went away
My outer flaws are seen by all who are
and within is worse by far
So
Lie to me
And tell me I’m okay
****
Lie to me
Tell me I’m okay
‘cause maybe we can make it true
And not just a game to play
In being loved I find worth
In bringing joy I find mirth
So maybe you wont have to
Lie to me
When you say I’m okay
End
LOOK AT ME NOW
A CLOWN IN MY PLACE
TELL A BAD JOKE
OR FALL ON MY FACE
LOOK AT ME NOW
DON’T GO AWAY
A TRAGIDY’S BEGINNING
A 3 HANKY PLAY
LOOK AT ME NOW
A PERFORMANCE IS ON
BUT WHAT WILL OCCUR
ONCE THE AUDIENCE IS GONE
LOOK AT ME NOW
A NEW SEASON WILL START
THIS TIME I PROMICE
TO GIVE YOU ALL A SMALL PART
LOOK AT ME NOW
A SPOTLIGHT I SEEK
DOWN IN THE VALLEY
OR UP ON THE PEAK
LOOK AT ME NOW
DON’T LOOK AWAY
I’LL CEASE TO EXIST
IF NO ONE WILL STAY
LOOK AT ME NOW,
ATTENDANCE IS DOWN
THE AUDIENCE IS BORED
AND STARTING TO FROWN
LOOK AT ME NOW
THE LIGHTS HAVE GONE DARK
EVERYONE HAS LEFT
THE SILENCE IS STARK
LOOK AT ME NOW
OR I’LL BE LEFT ALONE
WITH NO WHERE TO GO
‘CAUSE THE STAGE IS MY HOME
LOOK AT ME NOW
PAY THE CURTIAN NO MIND
ALL THAT’S BEHIND IT
A FAKE YOU WILL FIND
LOOK AT ME NOW
PLEASE CAN’T YOU SEE
THE ONLY THING THAT I LIVE FOR
IS IF YOU PLEASE LOOK AT ME!
Masks
Each day as I rise from my bed
Daily chore I’ve come to dread
Which mask of mine I must wear
For God forbid my face go bare
Part lie, part truth in each mask
Made to help me complete my tasks
But lately something’s happening
Don’t know if I should cry or sing
The masks are becoming a blend
Each taking from each is the trend
I can see when I will have but one
Be myself when I am done
Then I won’t need to hide
I will even have some pride
But until then I will use my masks
So I can complete my daily tasks
MISSING
I leave behind the usual clutter
Of unfinished business,
Regrets, and roads not taken in life
I also leave my heart poured out on paper
Undiscovered glimpses of my life
To be enjoyed by any who find them good
Or perhaps to be ridiculed,
As being too soft and light for the modern world
Whatever the fate of my work,
It seems petty, in the face of the poetry
Of my true and final resting place
I say now to those who might care for me
“Do not look for me in the harsh lights of the city
Nor in the cool foothills of the mountains
I have gone home to stay”
It may be that some foolish person
Will disregard this premonition
They will no doubt decide
To make the following inscription
In all mortal records
“D.C.B., poet
Missing,
Presumed Dead”
voices whispering in the dark
Tempting
Lying
Evil thoughts enter my head
Broken cravings
Can’t get any sleep
Can’t even tell the difference
Between my voice and the others
The clock moves slowly
But morning comes too soon
Another day of faking
Pretending I am o.k.
Its getting too hard
I want to scream
But nothing comes out
NYLON STOCKINGS
by Dorothy Collen
Magic material
Concealing, yet
Revealing
Turn pretty toes into
Velvet soft cat-feet
Eyes travel up
Past hem lines
Into mystery
Where thighs meet
The stockings are smooth
And soft to touch
Why can’t looking be enough
Or touch them while they are on another?
Why must I want to share
In this feminine ritual?
I am addicted
A prisoner held in silk bondage
I will never be free
Until I die
My craving gets worse every day
My body now in agony
My mind broken
I give in and put them on
But it’s never enough
More and more feminine, I crave
Until nothing male remains
Her own live such a struggle
Her children lost and wild
But I’m so glad she made me
Her adopted on-line child
Keeps my secrets hidden
Tells me truth I need to hear
Strong to give me disipline
Gentle to calm my fear
Each night se checks up on me
Every day she leaves some space
To see if I am soaring high
Or had fallen on my face
So here’s to you, my on-line mom
I raise a glass in cheer
May we never part our ways
But draw closer year by year
May al the love you sent my way
Be returned a hundred fold
And may all your dreams come true
Before your story’s told
But most of all, my on-line mom
May I be able to give in part
All the love, hope, and caring
That you have given free to me
That came from within your heart
One Summer Day
Just a bit of Poetry. Enjoy!
One Summer day, the girls who would be boys,
put on dirty clothing, and play with roughhouse toys
And one summer day, the boys who would be girls
Grab some pretty dresses, and begin to dance and twirl.
But one summer day, seems like its not enough
for boys who would be gentle, and girls who would be rough.
So one summer day, I looked up to the sky,
and composed a prayer, as tears I began to cry
“Oh Father of all children, who delights in joy,
I humbly come in the name of each special girl and boy
It seems that these special ones need extra care and love
So craft a special blessing and send it from above.
Take this summer day they’re having, and if it isnt wrong
and make the gift it gives them last the whole year long.”
Then I heard a whisper, and in my heart it spoke
A message I would carry, when in the world I woke.
“The day will come, my dearest child, when these shall receive
a special welcome in my House, and they will never leave.
So take comfort, my child, and when your race is run
You will join the celebration, and to my arms you will come”
So I woke, and now must wait, but I can truly say
that the whole of Heaven’s time
will be like that summer day.
Only Yours
For Kylie, with all my love
(1) Yours is the voice I long to hear
telling me its okay
Sweet whispers in my ear
I want them night and day
(2) Yours is the face I want to see
When I close my eyes to dream
Somehow you’ve become to me
my heart’s most wanted theme
(Chorus) Only yours, only yours
I will always be only yours
till my life ends on heaven’s shores
only yours, only yours
(3) Yours is the hand I want in mine
walking beside me as I go
together we would make the climb
oh God I pray it will be so
(4) Yours is the life I want to share
every single day I am alive
we would make the perfect pair
and so to that goal I strive
(Repeat Chorus)
Yours, Its what I want to be
companion in a love that’s true
joined together for all to see
starting with the words “I do”
Only yours, only yours, only yours
Only yours, only yours, only yours
(Repeat Chorus)
Only yours, only yours, only yours
Only yours, only yours, only yours
(Repeat and fade)
PILLAR TO POST
Pillar to post, I’ve been beaten
Cant win the game they’re always cheatin’
Behind me only failure
Ahead of me who can tell yah
Where do you go when the dream has ended
Got a broken heart can’t be mended
Where do you go when home’s the danger
The one you love’s become a stranger
Fix the rules, change the game
I refuse to be the one to blame
State the case, take a stand
Be on the rock, not on the sand
Although it seems I am alone
I’ll endure my cross to reach my home
‘cause I’m convinced its in the plan
And that all things are in his hand
I won’t give up, I will endure
Because I’m loved I am sure
I will pray, I will trust
I can, I will, I know I must
Pillar to post, I’ve been beaten
I’ll win the game despite the cheatin’
Put behind me all my failure
No matter what, I’m here to tell yah
PUNISHMENT
Yes, my love, I am the guilty one
I made you lose your cool
I came home late or
smiled at another man
Not your fault you got jealous
Of course I should have never talked back
Or failed to straighten up the house
Because I know those things make you mad
I know that you are sorry
The flowers are very nice
I believe you when you say
You would not go so far again
I would gladly take you back
As I have before
If only I could
But feel free to drop on by
And leave more roses on my grave.
RINGS
2 wedding bands sit side by side
On my dresser table
Last sad reminders of our vows together
Yours broke in two long ago
A prophecy of our doom
Mine now tarnished, its faded glow
Reflecting the dying embers of our love
Maybe someday I will find the courage
To take those rings
And melt them into something new
A symbol of hope for my life
And for the time yet to come.
Always wash the left hand first
Missed a spot?
Wash it again
Just to be safe
Just to be safe
Set the table spoon, fork, knife, plate
Napkin folded exactly in half?
Try again
Just to be safe
Just to be safe
Each step I take a ritual
A magic rite for security
The world is just too dangerous
So stay inside today
Just to be safe
Just to be safe
Shame, Shame
“Its all my fault!
If I hadnt dressed like a girl
let my true self out for a twirl
he wouldnt have wanted to hurt me
take my body, then desert me
Why didnt I bash him on the nose?
what went wrong that made me froze?
So I stuff my girl self deep inside
even though it makes me cry
and within I start to die
Because it was all my fault!”
“Its all my fault!
If I hadnt told the doc of my distress
of my wish to wear a dress
he wouldnt have made me his toy
to show me what happens to a sissy boy
Why did I trust him with my secret self
instead of keeping it on the shelf?
So I spend my remaining years
lost and unable to face my fears
and I weep till I drown in my tears
Because it was all my fault!”
Shame, shame, that’s the refrain
We hear it within, it will never change
As long as we hold inside our guilt
till it becomes the prison that we’ve built
To be released is to face our fear
confront a lie we’ve held so dear
The truth will set us free they say
but we cant do that, so inside we stay
and take a price not ours to pay
Until at last we can say
IT WAS NOT OUR FAULT!
She
She / Born
Nameless / Hidden
He / Named
Loved / Known
Then
Meeting / Merging
Then
Pain / Guilt
Sorrow / Regrets
She / Buried
Alive / Helpless
Then
Whispers / Nudges
He / Experiments
But
Guilt / Vows
Taken / Broken
Taken / Again
Then
He / Journeys
Inward / Takes
Risk
Re-Acquaintance / Rediscovery
But
Guilt / Shame
Self-hate / Despair
Returns
But
She / Growing
He / Weakening
Until
She / Dominates
But
Barriers / Hopelessness
Grief
Prayers
Answered / Now
Receives / Grace
Support / Endurance
Patience / Hope
Songs (Parodies)
Caught!
(Based on "Damaged" by Danity Kane)
Do you want to talk about it honey
Please how do I repair your trust in me
I need your patient understanding
But you might need some time
to figure out your heart and mind
Please don't you leave me
can't live without you, see
Baby, But this need is driving me crazy
and you caught me dressed as a lady
And I know it caused you some
Damage, damage, damage
I know I should have let you know
now your trust in me is damaged
damaged, damaged
And its all my fault, I know
Tell me how to fix this, fix this, fix this
Baby, I've got to know
What are you going to do?
Baby I've got to know
Do you think we're through?
Yes I want to talk about it honey
We can get through this, trust me
I have patience, understanding
I have not stopped being yours
and you are always going to be mine
But I must have lost your trust?
“Sorry” doesn't seem enough
my actions must have hurt you so much
tell me please
is our marriage in pieces
or can we put it together again?
I'm past the damage, damage
now that I finally know
hiding it from me caused us damage damage
but I forgive you, you know
together we can fix it, fix it, fix it
Baby, you got to know,
we can make it through
Baby, you got to know,
I will always love you
If you will be truthful now
we can still make it somehow
no more damage
Together we are up to the challenge
get past the damage,
damage, damage
finally I let you know
inside of me was damaged,
damaged, damaged
hiding from you was wrong, I know
stop the damage, damage
can i ever be made whole
I'll help you with the damage, damage
I will still be yours
together we can fix it, fix it, fix it
(Oh hon, this pain)
together we can fix it, fix it, fix it
(couldn't keep it inside)
together we can fix it, fix it, fix it
(Sweetie you're not alone)
together we can fix it, fix it, fix it
(we will pray, we will try)
our love it isn't damaged, damaged
(and it's going to be all right)
Our love isn't damaged, damaged
(this too shall pass)
Our love isn't damaged, damaged
(I understand your pain)
our love isn't damaged, damaged
(soon we will just have joy)
Hon, my love hasn't changed
no matter what we go through
this too shall pass.
Dorothy Leads the Show
Based on "Come and Join the Show, which you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q37pqbKFx5E
Dark thoughts cling like ink
As the black dog tries to claim
It will take me to the brink
Saying I am the one to blame
I’m sinking, sinking, sinking
My thoughts dive into the dark,
But the dark will no longer rule me
The light soon will spark
I won't sink into the abyss below
Though of my faults I’m well aware
You will see it, it will be such a show
I won't mind if you stare
Depression lies to tangle in
Tries to get me lost to fear
It counts out each and every sin
But soon I’ll be in the clear.
I’m so much more than it can know
It says there’s nowhere left to go
But take a seat, Depression
Dorothy leads the show.
I was lost in the depths of dark
My world filled with fear and dread
But an angel was inside my heart
And she beat the demon in my head
I was sinking, sinking, sinking
My fears ruled my home
But each step since has me thinking
I’ll turn my fear to foam
Won’t sink into the abyss below
Depression’s tricks I’m well aware
My heart it soon will glow
I will soar into the air
No web of lies to struggle by
My path it is so clear
The future it will be mine
As Dorothy does appear
I’ll show all there is of me to know,
Upward is where I will go
Take a seat, Depression,
Dorothy leads the show.
Depression lied, I was not on my own
It made me moan but I found my home
The path before me God’s always known
One day I’ll be before his throne
Go forward wont backtrack
Depression I will attack
It won't make a comeback
It tries to attack, but it cannot hack
My heart is no longer black
No cage for me my soul has flown
I will cling unto the Stone
Soon Depression will depart
Won’t wallow in the dark
It tried to fill me with disgust
So I’d see myself as unjust
But soon my heart will glow
Be a dove and not a crow
Won't sink into the abyss below
Depression’s tricks I’m well aware
My heart it soon will glow
And fly into the air
No web of lies to struggle by
My path ahead is clear
The end of depression is nigh
As Dorothy does appear
I’m so much more than it can know
Upward is where I will go
So take a seat, Depression
Cause Dorothy leads the show
Dysphoria
(With apologies to Rhianna)
What’s wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I’m going crazy now ...
Want to give up the mask
(don’t how to get started)
Not sure I’m up to the task
(how how to talk about it)
Always hiding in my head
(tired of thinking about it)
Feels like I’m going insane ...yeah
It’s a pain in the night and it grabs me
Creeps up inside and consumes me
A hole in my heart and it breaks me
Where can I find comfort?
Time to break out
Or sit back and wonder
Can I pay the price
Or will I just go under ?
Always think twice
And start to flounder
So though I might falter
It’s time ...
My mind is in dysphoria
It’s like nothing feels right
Dysphoria
I’m scaring me tonight
My mind is in dysphoria
Not as brave as I’d like
Dysphoria
(bum bum be-dum bum de dum bum) (x4)
Pictures of me when I was small
Feels like they’re mocking me
Disconnected from my soul
Forgotten how to sing
I gotta get out, or figure this stuff out
I could use some comfort - oh
It’s a pain in the night and it grabs me
Creeps up inside and consumes me
A hole in my heart and it breaks me
I feel like a monster
Time to break out
Or sit back and wonder
Can I pay the price
Or will I just go under ?
No time to think twice
My course is set I can’t falter
Cause if i stop now, I will die
My mind is in dysphoria
It’s like nothing feels right
Dysphoria
I’m scaring me tonight
Dysphoria
My mind is in dysphoria
Not as brave as I’d like
Dysphoria
Can I get out of this mess I’m in
Trying my best but strugglin’
But its time for me to go-o-o
I think I’m gonna
Time to break out
Or sit back and wonder
Can I pay the price
Or will I just go under ?
No time to think twice
Or I might start to falter
So even if I stumble, it’s time ...
No more dysphoria
Time to step into the light
Dysphoria
Even though I’m scared I’m gonna try
Cant take the dysphoria
So no matter what you like
Dysphoria
Time is now, here I go ...
End
Girl ‘n Boy
(with apologies to Katy Perry)
I would like to
Be a girl, wear the clothes
Yeah I am a mess
As boy,
don’t you know
I over-think
Never speak
Keep inside me
I should know
Its not good for me
(chorus)
I’m girl, I’m a boy
My gender a toy
I just want to shout
Got to get it out
I’m wrong it’s not right
But it’s not black and white
I fight it I lose
No way I can choose
One side to stay how?
When both I’m in now
I’m a boy, I’m a girl
Give each side a twirl
I just want to shout
Got to get it out
Or I will fall down
I used to be
So confused, gone insane
I was just lost,
Yeah, totally
Unable to move,
do anything
My mind might as well,
be gone fishing
I know now
I’m not going to change
(repeat chorus)
Someone call a doctor
Got a case of bi-gender
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can’t get off this ride
I would like to
Be a girl, wear the clothes
(repeat chorus)
God's Design (sung to the tune "Flawed Design, by Sabilo)
When I was a young boy, knew I was different,
had feelings in me that I tried to control,
I was tempted no matter how I'd run
Then as I got older things got worse
'cause this need it beat me,
could not stop myself from wanting it
I tried to resist them cause I felt the difference
between what I needed and the world's view
Though I could not be happy, and hated my failing,
tried to act as a male, felt I could not give in
So I had to turn off
Had to shut down
resist the force within,
hide it under ground
I had to turn off
Had to shut down
and tried to pray instead
God, I die
I have the need here
to be female all the time
God, I try
to fight against it,
but could it be all be just a part of
Your design
But lately I have figured out,
could not worry about other people,
want to be able to sleep at night
So I ask for your permission
and I hope that its okay
I promised to serve you
and I will trust you
I am trying to make sure,
I know the devil is devious,
I feel its not a sin to re-make myself,
and that soothes my conscience
God I'll try
its time to be me,
to be female all the time
no need to fight against it,
I am now sure that its all a part of
Your Design
No need to hide myself,
that's what I now believe
I can be honest now,
have a smile on my face
No need to hide myself,
that's what I now believe
I can be honest now,
have a smile on my face
Don't have to turn off
Don't have to shut down
Now my heart is fertile ground
Don't have to turn off
Don't have to shut down
my soul is at rest,
no pain in my head.
No need to die
be who I need to
be female all the time
so I'll try
and I am sure now
God is with me,
and it is all
In God's Design
Being a girl’s (got me shook)
Chorus:
Being a girl’s got me shook
I have come to realize
Nor more time for lies
Having to fake it got to me
Tired of the masking
Want to dance and sing
And say just what I like
No longer weak, being me is sweet
don’t turn off the all the lights
‘cause it finally feels right
Being a girl’s got me shook
Ready to take a risk
With the help of my clique
Before it gets too late
And I am swallowed by hate
Look at me what do you see
Take another look please
Look inside I might just blow your mind
Couldn’t concentrate, keeping it inside
Was killing me
Now I can be cool, no need to be slick
Now that I know I am a chick
Its what I feel inside
Want it to come out right
And finally be real tonight
Repeat Chorus
Go shopping, its like a fashion show
Takes forever to get to go
Look in the mirror - hay
Seeing a girl at last - yay
Sporting some sexy gear
To help control my fear
I’ve got a secret, but this girl’s ready to hang with
Couldn’t concentrate, keeping it inside
Was killing me
Now I can be cool, no need to be slick
Now that I know I am chick
Its what I feel inside
Want it to come out right
And finally be real tonight
Repeat chorus.
I can’t wait (to do it again) (with apologies to Miley Cyrus)
I’ve got my sights set on this
Its become my aim
I’ve got this need that can’t
Be explained
I need something special
And its not a game
Now I cant wait to do it again
No one near believes me
But it feels right
I can’t deny the power
Of a feminine life
I have tried to suppress it
Tell the world lies
Now I cant wait to do it again
(chorus)
The first time I freaked out
I was just starting out
But I felt so beautiful
It was all I could think about
Felt like I couldn’t breathe
To see this side of me
I could tell myself
I’m finally being Dorothy
The next time I go out
I will be myself
My mind cant rest ‘til then
Whoa! Whoa! I
I cant wait to do it again
I’ve got this crazy feeling
Deep inside
Like she was calling me to
Let her out right
I’m not an expert here
But I can read the signs
And I cant wait to do it again
(repeat chorus)
I’ve got my sights set on this
Its become my aim
(repeat chorus)
I changed to a girl
(with apologies to Katy Perry)
This is exactly what I planned
Its my intention
But I’m not brave my heart in hand
Its desperation
It is what I want to
Just want to try it on
I’m curious are you?
Its my obsession
(chorus)
I changed to a girl and I liked it
The taste of wearing lipstick
I changed to a girl just to try it
Hope all my friends don’t mind it
It feels so wrong and yet so right
Don’t mean I’m insane tonight
I changed to a girl and I liked it
I liked it
You don’t even know my name
Or why it matters
There is no one else to blame
Its not in nature
Its not what good boys do
Not how they should behave
My head is so confused
Hard not to obey
(repeat chorus)
You girls you are so magical
Dresses, high heels and sweet perfume
Hard to resist I want them all
Try to deny it
It’s a big deal not innocent
(repeat chorus)
I dont wanna do this anymore ...
This one is based on "Unfaithful" by Rihanna, which can be found here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp4UwPZfRis&ob=av2e
This one has some strong themes, read with caution
Story of my life,
knowing I dont have the right
to live the truth buried deep in me
The sorrow in my soul
I know you think its wrong
but staying this way will kill me
I tried to be a man
promised you my love
That’s the reason I’m so blue
A storm is rolling in
cause you’d be gone again
Unless I hide the truth
But I know I’m transgender
and it kills me inside
You know I cant be happy
trying to be a guy
Can’t you see I’m dying?
(chorus)
I dont wanna do this anymore
will you really be the reason why
I’m afraid you’ll walk out the door
make me die a little more inside
I dont wanna hurt you oh no
But I just cant live a lie
and do you wanna be
a murderer
(verse 2)
I can see you always stare
checking my nails and hair
make me hide another day
but if I gave you just a peek
could you accept reality
There’s nothing in me to hate
I try to hold on
Pretend I’m not a girl
A lie I’m to tired to tell
If you could only know
That I’m about to blow
And I know it very well
cause I know I’m transgender
and it kills me inside
trying to be happy
pretending to be a guy
Cant you see I’m dying
(Repeat chorus)
love lost, now mistrust
you might as well take a gun and
put it to my head
Get it over with
I cant do this anymore
(Anymore)
(Repeat chorus)
I think I'd Never Look Back
Author’s note: This is based on "I think I’d have a heart attack", which you can find a version of here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xR0HrrIXjBk
I always had my defences up
never could admit who I was
because if I ever did that
I know I could never look back
Always knew that I had to hide
Always had to try to be a guy
Never talk about what I want
Even though it made life so tough
Pretended I didn’t care
that they took my girl doll
and cut my hair
though inside I felt the fall
Inside I always felt like a girl
wanted to paint my nails and wear high heels
knew if I gave in that things would soon get out of hand
Must keep up the show
I cover up, won't let it show
So I'm put my defenses up
Cause I don't wanna be found out
If I ever did that, I think I'd never look back
I think I'd never look back
Never could really be like other guys
but cant tell the truth, I’m paralyzed
And every time I want to be myself
It comes out wrong like a cry for help
It's just not fair
assigned me a sex at my birth
I gasp for air
and everyday it only hurts
Inside I always felt like a girl
wanted to paint my nails and wear perfume
knew if I gave in that things would soon get out of hand
Must keep up the show
I cover up, won't let it show
So I'm put my defenses up
Cause I don't wanna be found out
If I ever did that, I think I'd never look back
I think I'd never look back
The feelings got lost in my lungs
They're burning, I'd rather be numb
And there's no one else to blame
So scared I'll take off and run
I'm flying too close to the sun
And I'll burst into flames
Must keep up the show
I cover up, won't let it show
So I'm put my defenses up
Cause I don't wanna be found out
If I ever did that, I think I'd never look back
I think I’d never look back
I think I’d never look back
I think I’d never look back ...
guess what I never looked back!
I want a huggle-bug for Christmas
I want a huggle-bug for Christmas
Only a huggle-bug will do
I don't want a doll, no dinky Tinkertoy
I want a huggle-bug to play with and enjoy
I want a huggle-bug for Christmas
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue
Just bring him through the front door
That's the easy thing to do
I can see me now on Christmas morning
Creeping down the stairs
Oh, what joy and what surprise
When I open up my eyes
To see my happy huggle standing there
I want a huggle-bug for Christmas
Only a huggle-bug will do
she can spread the girly-germs
to every girly-girl
And even tomboys like me too
I want a huggle-bugs for Christmas
a huggle-bug is all I want
And if I were to get two
I'll share one with you!
I Write Sins . . .
With apologies to Panic at the Disco
Oh, well imagine, as the bride paces the pews of a church corridor, and she
Can’t help but to hear, no she can’t help but to hear an exchanging of words
“What a beautiful wedding. What a beautiful wedding” says the bridesmaid to a waiter
“And yes what a shame, what a shame the groom is really a trans girl”
She chimes in with “Haven’t you people ever heard of loving a trans girl? I wanted to marry someone with a sense of grace and femininity”
She chimes in with “Haven’t you people ever heard of loving a trans girl? I wanted to marry someone with a sense of . . . oh”
“Well in fact”, she says, “look at it this way I mean so what the secret is out. This calls for a toast so pour the champagne.” (ohh)
“Well in fact”, she says, “look at it this way I mean so what the secret is out. This calls for a toast so pour the champagne, pour the champagne.”
She chimes in with “Haven’t you people ever heard of loving a trans girl? oh, I wanted to marry someone with a sense of grace and femininity ”
She chimes in with “Haven’t you people ever heard of loving a trans girl? Oh, I wanted to marry someone with a sense of grace . . . and femininity . . .”
Again . . .
(repeat and fade)
End
I’m glued
(with apologies to Eiffel 65)
Yo listen up
Here’s the story
About a little guy
That lives in a glue world
And all day and all night
Everything he sees is
Just glued
To him inside, and outside
Glued in a dress
Glued to some high heels too
And glued to a corset
And everything is glued
Including his breasts
And he sings to himself
Cause he aint got nobody to listen ..
(chorus)
“I’m glued ...
Da Ba de da ba die
Da ba de da ba die
Da ba de da ba die
Da ba de da ba die
Da ba de da ba die
Da ba de da ba die
Da ba de da ba die
I’m glued ...
Da ba de da ba die
Da be de da ba die
Da be de da ba die
Da be de da ba die
Da be de da ba die
Da be de da ba die
Da be de da ba die
(verse)
Glued to a blue dress
And glued heels oh no!
Glue is the reason for of all that I wear
Glued are my breasts and my vag too
I had a girlfriend
She’s the reason I’m glued.
Glued is the makeup the change so profound
Glued is the corset so I can barely sigh
Dont know what to say or even what to think
I think I like this, what’s that say about me?
(repeat chorus)
(repeat verse)
(repeat chorus)
End?
If I were a girl
(With apologies to Beyonce)
If I were a girl
Even just for a day
I’d take an hour to get ready
‘cause I’d know they’d have to wait
Go shop with the girls
And laugh at the boys
I’d be welcome at the party
Get to be so pretty
‘cause then I’d be free to be me
If I were a girl
I’d make them understand
What it’s like to be feminine
No need to pretend to be a man
They’d listen to me
‘cause they know how it hurts
Trying to be someone you’re not
Tie yourself up in to knots
And end up being destroyed
If I were a girl
I would turn on my phone
Tell everyone to call me
‘cause it’s better than being alone
I might hike up my skirt
Maybe wiggle and wink
‘cause that’s how to get my way
And I know how guys think
But I’m just a boy
I don’t understand
Don’t know why I have this need
To know how it feels to be a girl
Sometimes I wish I were a better man
They don’t listen to me
Don’t care if I’m free
Or if I lose everything I’ve wanted
They are taking me for granted
And I risk being destroyed
I’m just a boy . . .
(for now)
It’s not a disease
With apologies to Matchbox 20
Some say it's a mistake
But I got tired of the heartbreak
But I had to let Todd go
Cause he was just a show
Being trans was a pain
Even on my good days
It was scary, I’m sure you know
But I had to let him go
I had to turn me over
Had to say I tried,
No longer hold Dorothy down
Had to be a girl
Or it would break my heart
It’s not a disease
A girl deep inside me
Always felt uneasy baby
I needed to live true
What else was I supposed to do about it
Don’t need to keep your distance from it
You got to listen to me
It’s not a disease
You might think I’m a mess
Wanting to go around in a nice dress
But Dorothy was a fire
And every day I burned
No it's not that tragic
Being me it feels like magic
Being a girl
Now I can breathe
No it’s not a disease
A girl deep inside of me
Always felt uneasy baby
I found a way to live true
What else could I do about it
Don’t need to keep your distance from it
You got to listen to me
It’s not a disease
Some think that I’m sick
But if you would just take the time to listen to me
Being Dorothy is freedom honey
Don’t you see I’m better honey
Listen to this song
I’m telling you it’s not that wrong
I have no disease
No it’s not a disease
I’m free to be me
And it's not a disease.
Jaci and the Dot
Its Jaci and the Dot,
Jaci and the Dot
one admits she's girly, the other says she's not
They're transgender girls
wear dresses give them a twirl
They're Jaci, Jaci and the Dot, Dot, Dot . . .
Before this song is done, their girl germs will be hurled
by the dawning of the sun, they'll girlify the world
They're Jaci and the Dot,
Jaci and the Dot
We'll let you in on the plot
girl germs they have brought
to prove their girly worth
they'll girlify the Earth
They're Jaci, Jaci and the Dot, Dot, Dot, Dot . . .
Jess is a girl (Thanks to Renee M for the edit)
this is based on the old song "Jessie's girl", a version of which can be found here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiaKiqIsi2s
Jess is my name,
yeah, they said I've been a boy all my life,
But today something changed
that ain't hard to define.
Now they know I am a girl and that I was all the time.
I was watching girls with my eyes;
And I was envying their bodies,
couldn’t hold it.
And I was praying to my God
every single night.
But now, they know that Jess is a girl,
they know that Jess is a girl.
Finally came out as a woman - like that.
I got tired of the charade
I finally knew it was time,
I had to change.
I used to feel so dirty wanting to be cute,
wish that I had come out sooner, but that feeling's kinda moot.
I kept watching girls with my eyes,
And I was envying their clothes and couldn’t stop it.
And I was praying to my God every single night.
But now, they know Jess is a girl
They know that Jess is a girl.
Finally came out as a woman - like that.
Know that Jess is a girl,
they know that Jess is a girl.
Came right out as a woman,
as a woman - like that.
And I looked in the mirror all the time,
hating the boy I would see instead of me.
I would struggle and would cry all the time,
ain't it finally time for me to be me?
So I,
Came out as a woman - just like that,
out as a woman - just like that.
Now they all know Jess is a girl,
they know that Jess is a girl.
Came out as a woman - as a woman - like that.
Yes, Jess is a girl,
no doubt that Jess is a girl,
you’ll see that Jess is a girl
Just a ghost
(Based on "Ghost" by Fefe Dobson
I'm a go-go-go-ghost
just a go-go-go-ghost
Once a girl in a photograph
but can I ever get me back?
Or become just a memory
not my real identity.
I had a name
fought the fight
now I wonder if I'll ever get it right
feel the shame
live the lie
praying in the middle of the night
I'm scared I will become a ghost
once all my dreams were oh so close
But my fears have made me start to fail
will the real me disappear?
I'm scared I will become a ghost
not true, not true
Please God no
My fears make me start to fail
will the real me disappear?
Be a go-go-go-ghost
just a go-go-go-ghost
will I lose the gift of being me
let the real me get away
let being real become a dream
and live only in misery
I had a name
fought the fight
now I wonder if I'll ever get it right
feel the shame
live the lie
praying in the middle of the night
I'm scared I will become a ghost
once all my dreams were oh so close
But my fears have made me start to fail
will the real me disappear?
I'm scared I will become a ghost
not true, not true
Please God no
My fears make me start to fail
will the real me disappear?
Be a go-go-go-ghost
just a go-go-go-ghost
Got to be out
but now I'm not
Don't want to let Dorothy go
cause she is my soul
I had a name
fought the fight
now I wonder if I'll ever get it right
feel the shame
live the lie
praying to God in the middle of the night
I'm scared I will become a ghost
once all my dreams were oh so close
But my fears have made me start to fail
will the real me disappear?
I'm scared I will become a ghost
not true, not true
Please God no
My fears make me start to fail
will the real me disappear?
Be a go-go-go-ghost
just a go-go-go-ghost (repeat and fade)
"Ghost" by Fefe Dobson video can be found here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXrFBsYKrgE
LET IT BURN
(sung to the tune of "Walk through the fire" from Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
I touch the clothes and it changes me
They show everything I lack
I’d like to change, my body re-arrange
And never to look back
Now in my head, she calls to me
She want to begin the change
To seize the day, or just fade away
The choices are insane
But can I have my desire
Or where else can I turn
Because they are a fire
And it . . .
The cross I bear is crushing me
The devil’s laughing I have no doubt
It makes me cry, it makes me want to die
But I have to tough it out
‘cause I am drawn to desire
I think I’ll never learn
The urge is a fire
And it . . .
Will it really change me
Imprison or will it free me
And am I too far gone to care
What if I went ahead and did it
Reach for the dreams I’ve needed
Or I could give up and just stare
I’ll make it through, its what I have to do
So I will turn from my desire
So day by day I stagger through
Without my dreams my life is cold
But what’s inside, I must always hide
And it never can be told
I walk on the edge of danger
Don’t know what can save me
Everything is becoming dark
Though I reach out in prayer
The situation’s still the same here
wonder if there will ever be a spark
These endless days, will end in a blaze
And I am caught by desire
The point of no return
The urge is a fire
And it,
Burns
Let it burn, let it burn,
Let it burn
Let me go (Parody of let it go)
I dont really want to argue tonight
cover ground we’ve already been
I’m tired and so frustrated
Its time for me to be seen
You always were denying that I was stuck inside
You couldn’t keep me down, even though you tried
Please let me out
please let them see
there was always a real girl inside of thee
dont hide what we feel
its time to let them know
Its my turn to show
Let me go, let me go
dont hold me back anymore
Let me go, let me go
no more hiding behind the door
I know you’re scared
about what will they say
but its past time now
and it cant get worse here anyway
its funny how life works
you tried to make me so small
all that fear controlled you
couldnt keep me down at all
its time to see what I can do
break the closet and step through
Its right, not wrong, to let me be
so free ...
Let me go, let me go
I believe that I can fly
Let me go, let me go
there’ll be no more tears to cry
I know you’re scared
about what will they say
but its past time now
I’ve always been part of you, even when I made no sound
I promise to do you proud, if only I am allowed
It will be an adventure, such a blast
Its time to let me out, let the past be in the past
Let me go, let me go
Its time to be moving on
Let me go, let me go
the boy-mask should be gone
I know you’re scared
about what will they say
but its past time now
and it cant get worse here anyway
End.
Note: “Let it go” from Disney’s “Frozen” can be found here:
Nightmare Dance
Verse 1: I can't take it anymore
I've considered sleeping on the floor
as every time in sleep I drift away
my mind and body they begin to play
I'm always thrashing, as dreams go through my mind
cause my subconscious hunt for darkness to find
my pillows fly from the bed on which I lay
and the covers go they never want to stay
Chorus: its always been this way,
it never seems to change
and I just can't find
a way to calm my mind
Every night I'm thrashing, doing the nightmare dance (x2)
Verse 2: no one can tell me that it's fair
sometimes I sleep better than in a chair
I never seem to have a happy dream
and every night you can hear my screams
(Repeat Chorus)
nightmare's expire - yeah (x2)
one day I hope no more nasty dreams
silence instead of nightly screams
one day I'm hoping I wont be doing the nightmare dance (x4)
End
No more waiting, oh
Parody of "What you waiting for" by Gwen Stefani which can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5qICl3Fr3w
I know it’s finally time
Time for all to see
Too many years gone by
Now I have to be free ...
(Tick-tock, tick tock, tick- tock ..)
Since I was born,
mistaken for a boy
Internal conversations,
How much could I take?
What if they say I’m a sinner ?
Naturally I worried I’d be all alone.
Everybody seems to care,
Even if it’s my life I should get a chance to make
And take a chance, see what grows
Oh ...
No more waiting
No more waiting
No more waiting ...
No more waiting
oh ...
(x2)
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock
I’ll take the chance see what grows
Going round in circles
Repeating myself
I know my heart,
No more standing in one place
Dorothy blossoms or I’ll perish ...
I’ll have trouble because of my sex chromosome
People will think I’m messed up
It’s how our society thinks
But life is short, and I’m capable
Oh ...
Look at my life now
Showing all I am a female
Got my ID and all that
No more running round the boy track
No more waiting
No more waiting
No more waiting
No more waiting
No more waiting
Oh ...
(X 2)
Couldn’t wait no more
no going back in my plans
It’s here that I take my stand
Dorothy Colleen, oh ...
Yes I am a girl,
Working on my own kind of style
Woah ...
Look at my life now
Showing all I am a female
Got my ID and all that
No more running round the boy track
No more waiting
No more waiting
No more waiting
No more waiting
No more waiting
Oh ...
(X 2)
No more waiting, oh
No more waiting oh
Took a chance to see what grows
Took a chance
See what grows
No more waiting, oh
No more waiting oh
Took a chance to see what grows ...
T-Girl’s dream (With apologies to Katy Perry)
Based on "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry
Wish I was pretty
I’d put some make-up on
I’ll tell you hunny
the feeling is quite strong
Can you get me
can I let my walls come down ...
Down ...
If I just let me
stop trying to be a fake
But things
can be real heavy
Time to bring me to life
Yes I think it might be
my time ...
my time
Gonna go all the way
tonight
no more fear
just time
start to live, before
I die
Yes can I
Now be real forever
I’ll be free
Living a
T-Girl’s dream
that’s why I sing this song
I can’t stop
can’t turn away
can’t ever go back ...
can’t ever go back
My life starts
When I’m finally me
Just one day
If I can believe
time to be real
Gonna take a chance and
never go back
never go back
Call me Dorothy
gonna be my name now on
I’m here to tell
build a life and be strong
I finally realize
that I deserve some peace
be complete
Gonna go all the way
tonight
no more fear
just time
start to live, before
I die
Yes can I
Now be real forever
I’ll be free
Living a
T-Girl’s dream
that’s why I sing this song
I can’t stop
can’t turn away
can’t ever go back ...
can’t ever go back
Being fake stops
You just wait and see
Just one day
finally I believe
She is real
I’ll take a chance and
never look back ...
never look back
Keep my heart beating
finally be the real me
Live a T-girl’s dream tonight
You’ll all see
me just being me
Live a T-girl’s dream tonight
Caaann you see me
Living a T-girl’s dream
that’s why I sing this song
Dont wake me
going all the way and
never going back
never going back
nooo
My life starts
oh can’t you see
just one day
if I can believe
She is real
gonna take a chance and
never look back
never look back
Keep my heart beating
finally be the real me
Live a T-girl’s dream tonight
You’ll all see
me just being me
Live a T-girl’s dream
Tonight
Tonight, tonight, tonight
End
Katy's song can be found here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98WtmW-lfeE
Ballad of Ted Bandpat
Come listen to my story
About a man named Ted
A poor trans girl
Lived inside his head
Then one day when crying feeling blue
She decided she would stop being a fake dude
Be a girl, that is, both pretty and bold
Be called a “she”
Well the first thing you know
She was out and didn’t care
Even though her friends online
Said “move away from there”
But her family showed their quality
And loved her so she didn’t have to flee
Surprised her, they did
Held her hand, and had her back
She said good-bye to Ted, not gonna be one of the men.
And she would like to thank her folks for dealing with the spin
And if you are ever near to her locality
She’d be glad to show you hospitality
Girly style that is. Pink tablecloth. Perfume in the air
So you all go down there, you hear?
Its time to be me
Its my hope that you wont be upset
Because of the truth I have said
Hope you will be ok with what I do
Used to hide away every night
Trying to pretend it wasn’t what I’d like
But my story wont be done till I’m true
I want short skirts instead of t-shirts
To be the cheer captain, no longer on the bleachers
Dreaming of the day when I would finally find
Its what I have wanted the whole time
Finally ready to be the real me
She’s been inside all along you see
Its time to be me, its time to be me
Walking down the street its like a dream
I’ve always known its how it aught to be
Laughing at my fear, just being myself
Although it wasn’t easy
Now I’ve got a smile instead of a frown
No more keeping my real self down
I’ll be fine you can count on that
Now that I’ve let this girl in me be free
Wearing my high heels, no more sneakers
Be the Cheer captain and not on the bleachers
No more dreaming of what I would find
Now I am the me I needed to be the whole time
Finally ready to be the real me
She’s been inside all along you see
Its time to be me
Time for me to go out the door
This is what I’ve been waiting for
Yeh, its time to be me, time to be me
I remember I tried so hard to fight
All the time all I did was cry
It was all my hopes and dreams
But now its finally time to be me
Don’t know if anyone understands me
She’s been in me all along see
Now its time to be me, time to be me
Its time to be me
I’m almost ready
Its time to be me
Time to be me
We can’t be Erased
Ah, I can't help but weep for the status of my nation.
Bigots have been unleashed, like for a signal they were waiting
What I would see as a nightmare, they see as the best dream
All us trans folks ground up in the machine
I see the product of the hatred, I fear I will have to fight
Or soon all people like me will be denied their human rights
They have freed themselves from reason, see things in black and white
They call me a seed of evil, but that’s the hate they have let into their mind;
It started out on four-chan, now it’s becoming policy in time
Do they really mean it or is it a way to keep their fans in line
Stacking the courts, claim it pleases the divine
Can be this what they believe, cause I think its deceiving them with lies
Holy God, can you see all of my tears?
It appears they might want me murdered here
Bible Thumpers I have learned to fear
Kinda reminds me of the Nazi’s work here
Why is this happening, my own life I just want to be living;
I don’t know how to respond to people calling me a demon
But if they think I’m alone, they better recount the gate
Cause alone is one thing that I am surely aint
I will keep my own happiness, I won't drown in dark despair;
Those who would discriminate they better think and beware
Hope is mightier than fear, it has no limitations
No matter what they do nothing can erase us now
We will fight and will not surrender
No matter what the cost
We want the harm to pause
Just go ahead and let us live our life
You wanted us shamed and disgraced
You’re tainted by hatred we can’t be erased
Even if allies betray us we go on to state
No matter what you do, we can’t be erased;
I am not a monster, I am just the same as you
But I will not stand by while trans folks are abused
The hate is growing
The laws are coming
But I will not run even if the brown shirts are coming
I’ll gather all my friends, together we’ll make a stand
Right from the start our resistance is planned
I have hope and faith and maybe holy light
Wont just hide, I will stand and fight
Hateful people on my TV
They always say I cannot be real
But stop the nonsense, I’m just as real
As any of them, they are going to have to deal
To their humanity I must appeal
I hope it's there, just concealed
Fact is we exist no matter what they feel
They must be stopped, the world must heal
A little love is needed quick
So all these hateful acts will soon quit
I know they’re scared that I have a dick
I wish it gone, so I could just be a chick
I’m saddened by this evil growing, trying not to give in to people loathing
The darkness is not hiding it is showing, hearts must be open not be closing;
Flood the internet where the hate is flowing, replace it with loving knowing;
There is no way we will be going
My spirit will never be kept from floating
Join with me, our strength will be showing
No trans folk should be feeling lonely
Progress will be made very slowly
But I believe our cause is holy
You wanted us shamed and disgraced
You’re tainted by hatred we can’t be erased
Even if allies betray us we go on to state
No matter what you do, we can’t be erased;
Author's Note: This is based on the song "Can't be erased, which you can find here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNdIvPb196s
What do you want to be?
(based on the Adam Lambert song “What do you want from me?”
Hay, stop with the frown
What do you want to be ?
What do you want to be?
Don’t, be afraid,
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
Its not a crime
to be yourself today
don’t you know by now,
That I don’t give a dam
And now, here you are
So what do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
(chorus)
And don’t give up
Keep working it out
Please don’t give in
It will bring you down
The world’s messed up
Need courage to be
Just keep from going down
Hey!
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
Yeh, it’s plain to me
You could be beautiful
And there’s nothing wrong with you
You say, “I’m a freak”
But you’re easy to love for me
And I want you to be free
Yes, I know your mine
I won’t let you slip away
I hate to see you cry
I think it could save your life
(Repeat chor)
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
Don’t give up I plead
Hey, I don’t want you down
I don’t want you down
(repeat chorus )
What do you want to be?
(repeat chorus)
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
What do you want to be?
Why is being transgender so complicated?
(Based on Avril Lavigne's "Complicated", here's a link to the original:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NPBIwQyPWE
Uh huh, life sucks like this
Uh huh, that’s the way it is.
‘Cause life sucks like this
And that’s the way it is.
(Verse 1:)
Sometimes, wonder what I’m striving for
‘cause I’ve always failed before
But if you could look in me, you might see
I’d like to be myself at last
no more controlled by my past
This is the message I send
tired of having to pretend
(Chorus)
I’m somebody else
around everyone else
I’m watching my back
I can’t relax
act like I’m cool
But who do I fool
But me
Tell me
Why is being transgender so complicated?
havin’ to act like I’m somebody else gets me frustrated
But life’s like this
I fall and I crawl and I break and I take what I get and I turn it to
honesty, I say to thee I can no longer fake it
no, no no
(Verse 2)
You came over unannounced
found me dressed like someone else
Who i am, its more that what you know
Don’t laugh, if I strike a pose
wearing my pretty clothes
tired of fooling everyone
havin’ to become
somebody else
around everyone else
I’m watching my back
I can’t relax
act like I’m cool
But who do I fool
But me
Tell me
(Repeat Chorus)
(Repeat Verse 1)
(Repeat Chorus 2 times)
no, no, no.
Will I need stitches?
(with apologies to Shawn Mendes)
I thought it was time you knew the score
Even though I’ve been burned risking before
Your love helps me get through the night
But once you know will you want to fight
Got a feeling we’re getting closer
But will you want to break the ties that bind
You might quit calling me your lover
And move on ...
(Chorus)
Got a secret that I cant keep
Fear has me falling onto my knees
I might end up without your kisses
Or maybe needing stitches
I used to be fighting with myself
Praying begging for God’s help
Tell me will I be without your kisses
Or will I be needing stitches
Last time a man held me to blame
Hit me till I passed out from pain
Being trans was my only crime
They said I reaped what I sowed
The fault all my own
But got a feeling we’re growing closer
But will you want to break the ties that bind
Will you quit calling me your lover
And move on ...
Got a secret that I cant keep
Fear has me falling onto my knees
Will I be without your kisses
Or will I be needing stitches?
Used to be fighting with myself
Praying begging for God’s help
Will I be without your kisses
Or will I be needing stitches
Needle and thread
Applied up to my head
Needle and thread
or maybe wind up dead
Needle and thread
Applied up to my head
Needle and thread
Or maybe wind up dead
Needle and thread
Applied up to my head
Needle and thread
Or maybe wind up dead
Needle and thread
Applied up to my head
Needle and thread
Or maybe wind up dead
Needle and thread
Applied up to my head
Applied up to my head
Got a secret that I cant keep
Fear has me falling onto my knees
I might end up without your kisses
Or will you give me stitches
I was fighting with myself
Praying begging for God’s help
Will I be without your kisses
Or will you give stitches?
Will I be without your kisses
Or will I need stitches?
Will I be without your kisses
Or will I need stitches?
START THE RAIN
Lord, as I walk ‘cross a dry and thirsty place
And I don’t know when water last touched my face
Start the rain, start the rain
Although all I see is barren sand
I know I am still in your hand
Start the rain, start the rain
And though you seem far away
I know that all I have to do is pray
Start the rain, start the rain
No other name can save me, no
I trust in you though hot winds blow
Start the rain, start the rain
My enemies may surround
The hot sun may pound
Still I will wait for the sound
Of your trumpets resound
And the water will start to fall
When you give an answer to my call
And start the rain, start the rain.
Storms: an angry night
As I lay in my bed tonight
Storms outside matches my inner fight
Visions of spiders weaving the web of fate
Of witches on the moor with a future state
But today I resist sin’s siren call
Avoid the trap which would make me fall
My weapon words of truth spoken out loud
Only thing to drown the terrible crowd
Today instead of fear I feel anger within
At the seductive power of my sin
Today I can only feel the rage
And push the monster back to its cage
But anger cannot help but fade away
And my darkness will wait to make a play
But tonight is mine, I escape the grip
Avoid the trap and do not trip
Too bad that tomorrow is another night
And another battle in the war I fight
So I must keep ready sword and shield
And guard my will not to yield
Until in God’s house I rest my case
And he wipes the tears from my face
I will rely on Him to declare me free
And my debt paid when Him I see
This is the hope that helps keep me on
Struggling through the storm until the dawn
STRIP CLUB
The room is dark
The music loud
The audience is tense
A woman appears
Takes small steps
On high heels
I look at her face
Eyes are empty
She begins to sway
But each step rehearsed
Routine
Without meaning
She counts the beat
As she removes her clothes
As a machine
No joy, no love, no life
I look at the crowd
They all look alike
Cold eyes
No signs of life
Of hope
Not even lust
She is finished
Naked
But no more revealed
Like nothing has touched her heart
I leave staggering
Like a survivor of a disaster
SURVIVOR’S PLEDGE
I AM A SURVIVOR
I HAVE SURVIVED (put your challenge here)
TODAY I PLEDGE
TO NO LONGER LET THESE EVENTS/CHALLENGES
DEFINE ME, CONSTRAIN ME
OR KEEP ME FROM MOVING FORWARD
I REFUSE TO BE SILENT ABOUT THOSE WHO HAVE HARMED ME
BUT I REFUSE TO BE KNOWN ONLY BY THAT HARM
I AM MUCH MORE THAN THOSE EVENTS
I WILL USE THEM TO HELP ME
GROW, LEARN AND HELP OTHERS
BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER JUST A VICTIM
I AM A SURVIVOR
TIRED
I go to bed exhausted
But all I do is toss and turn
My stomach is tied in knots
And the thought of food makes me ill
Even on a sunny day I see nothing but grey
I count the hours till I can hide in my bed
Ask me what's wrong, and all I'll say is
I'm
just
so
tired.
The Butterfly song
One day as I made my rounds
I saw a caterpillar on the grounds
“I have a dream in which I fly!”
Is what the caterpillar said to I
“How could you fly, without wings?
The sky is for the birds that sing.
you have legs, just like mine
and I walk the ground, and do just fine
I really dont mean to be mean
But you should give up such a silly dream”
“I dont know how or when I will fly
But I dream of stars and sky
I’ll keep my hope and you just wait and see
what will become of me”
I shook my head, and went on my way
But when I came back another day
The caterpillar had built a bed
and curled up inside and seemed almost dead
I could only wait, watch, and pray
as day passed into day
Then from the bed did appear
A butterfly with smile from ear to ear
“I go forth and fly and dance and sing!”
She said as she took wing
I fought tears, I began to cry
I was jealous of the butterfly
But she came close and whispered to my ear
“Soon it will be your turn, do not fear
you will be a special butterfly
and paint your own wings before you fly”
And you know what, she was right
soon after that, I first took flight
And to those who were like me I sing
as I dance and flex my pretty wing
“Have hope, and take a chance or two
and what happened to me
might happen for you!”
please read with caution
The first photo he took of me, I was so happy.
For the first time, I had told an adult about feeling like a girl rather than a boy.
And to my amazement, he believed me.
And then he encouraged me to see what I would look like as a girl.
Which lead to the first photo he took.
I felt free, and I had so much hope that the freedom would only continue.
But I was wrong.
He had not encouraged me for my sake.
He encouraged me so he could control me, own me.
and finally, to break me.
Then he took many more photos, but of me "performing" for his pleasure.
And then, after my time with him was over, somehow I forgot about the photos
But for a long time after, the flash of a camera scared me, and I didn't know why.
Until I recovered the memories of the photos, and understood.
and with understanding, I began working toward seeing myself as something other than guilty for what happened.
And I have succeeded . . .
Most of the time.
End
The Girl with the Scars in Her Eyes
Have you seen her?
The girl with the scars in her eyes?
Because she tries to be invisible.
She thinks its safer, but its also very lonely.
Have you touched her?
The girl with the scars in her eyes?
She often flinches when people reach out to her.
But she looks with longing at those who are being touched.
Have you spoken to her?
The girl with the scars in her eyes?
She’ll try to keep the conversation light.
Even though she longs to be able to share.
Have you gotten her trust?
The girl with the scars in her eyes?
It doesn’t happen often, she struggles with trusting others.
And with trusting herself.
Do you know what’s beneath the surface?
Of the girl with the scars in her eyes?
Few can say they know the real her.
But those who do say she’s got a lot of joy, and laughter, and love buried within her.
Have you come to care about her?
The girl with the scars in her eyes?
Then she has a message for you.
“Because of you, I’m moving forward.
Because of you I feel safer.
Because of you I’m healing.
So from the bottom of my heart,
Thank you.
From the girl with the scars in her eyes.”
THE LOST ONES
The lost ones walk
Shadows in the background
See them out of the corner of your eye
See them at school, church
Around the neighbourhood
Or in your own home
They are the beaten
Abandoned
Abused
Raped
They suffer in silence
Told “ its all your fault”
“no one will believe you”
“it will only be worse if you fight or try and escape”
The abusers know what
Their best allies are
Shame
Self-doubt
Fear
Isolation
The deeds like roaches
Only seen in the dark
The abusers are predators
Cut off their prey from others
From help, hope
So the answer is
If you are a Lost One
Or know one
Or just because you care
Stand up
Speak out
Seek help
Help others
Together we are stronger
Than the ones we have feared
Together we are capable
Of stopping the cycle
Together we can say
“No one deserves abuse”
“No one needs to be alone”
And
“we will not rest until the last of the Lost Ones
Is found - and made safe and sound”
For three days,
I was myself
A woman
Accepted
“Just one of the girls”
I was called by my real name
I held down a job
I was whole,
At last
Then the door closed
And now
I am back to where I was
having to hide
and pretend I am a man.
With no choice
but to stagger along
With only the memory
Of three days in Heaven
To sustain me.
First my voice alters
Becomes softer, higher, sweeter
And then the change spreads first upwards
Towards my face
Rearranging my features
Adding delicate touches of makeup
Then my hair explodes in growth
Flowing down like a fountain of gold
I sing the chorus again
And my spirit lifts
As the change makes its way down
All the way to my feet now delicate
And encased in heels that compliment my dress
I find myself wishing the song wouldn’t end
But I must wake to stagger onward
Find a way to cope
Without the music, the magic
Until I am fortunate enough
To hear the song begin again
Vows
(First Voice)
When I was just a young child,
you took me by the hand
You said “welcome to the family
It is a rock on which you can stand
No matter where you go
And no matter what you do
You can always be sure
We will be there for you”
But when I came out as transgender
You rejected your own kin
You said don’t darken your door
As long as I continue in such “sin”
(Second Voice)
On our wedding day my dear
We both had taken vows
To love and honour all our lives
Be as close as God allows
Sickness and health would not stop us
Rich or poor we did not care
Thick and thin we promised
For each other to be there
But when I came out as transgender
Your love it turned to hate
You refused to see me
Except to lecture and berate
(Third Voice)
You were my first born baby
In my arms you would lay
I wanted to protect you
And together we would play
You looked at me with such love
And I never did foresee
That you could ever reject
And turn away from me
But when I came out as transgender
To my face you would not look
And when I tried to talk to you
You would hide in a book
(Fourth Voice)
You were my childhood pal
My friend and my brother
Even though we shared no blood
And had a different mother
Friends forever you said to me
And stay so all our days
No matter what would happen
Or what price we would have to pay
But when I came out as transgender
No more my friend you’d be
In fact you now say you hate
And cannot look at me
(All Together)
Yes we came out as transgender
We just wanted to live real
But the price we paid was so high
That we don’t know how to deal
We felt we had no choice
It was death or life
We never meant to hurt those we love
Or cause our families strife
Although we lost so much we loved
We will find a way through
To be ourselves, to live good lives
And to ourselves be true
For now we have each other
New friends to take the vows
We will walk the course together
Together we’ll take the bows
So if you find yourself as transgender
You can join our family today
We will be with you in all you do
Unlike some who turned away
WHAT DOES IT MATTER
Why do people get vexed
If I mess with my sex
What does it matter the them
A category to peg
By what’s ‘tween my legs
What does it matter to them
But who do I hurt
If I choose a skirt
What does it matter to them
I don’t ask for much
Just freedom, and such
What does it matter to them
Why call it a vice
Make me pay a high price
What does it matter to them
I wouldn’t ask others to don
Anything but what they have on
What does it matter to them
And if I choose a new name
And its more than a game
What does it matter to them
But if I walk the street
They threaten to beat
What does it matter to them
I want my own life
Not looking for strife
What does it matter to them
And if I were free
A wonder maybe
What does it matter to them
Or my world will go grey
‘cause the price that I pay
What does it matter to them
God knows that I’ve tried
To keep it bottled inside
What does it matter to them
Or if in the ground I do lie
‘cause it caused me to die
What does it matter to them
Or if I go insane
On account of my pain
What does it matter to them
I want to be free
To say “this is me”
What does it matter to them
Make sure my mask is on tight
So I don’t cause a fright
Oh, what a world it would be
If we each could be free
By saying what does it matter to them!
WHEELCHAIR
Quietly it sits in a corner, no movement can it make
But when you sit, go outside, the world begins to shake
When you come near, some people, they would balk
As if they had seen some fright, like Carroll’s jabawac
If they knew you, as all who do, and I am no exception
They would take another look, and love upon reflection
Why do some, when they see, someone different than their own self
Stick them into a box, and put them on a shelf
My dear friend, don’t be sad, if someone turns from thee
For only those who see beyond are worthy of your company
Your chair is not who you are, it might be called a prop
That is why when others say “poor dear”, I say “stop!”
“look past the chair, and see the person therein contained
Her body may not be perfect, but her spirit is unmaimed”
I will never understand, this aspect of our race
That they can’t see past the chair, to view your pretty face
I am one-sided, I admit, I have luck to tell of
Your true beauty, your true form, but mostly your true love
Forgive the others, do not fret that you are undiscovered
For that just makes you worth more to those who have uncovered
I am happy to be your friend, we make such a pair
For the world sees me as a freak and you as just a chair
But I would not change our places with those who fit in though
We know the truth of love, that they may never know
WHY DADDY WHY
What made you fear
So you couldn’t be here
Why daddy why daddy why
Brings tears to my face
‘cause there’s empty space
Why daddy why daddy why
What voice did you hear
So soft or so clear
Why daddy why daddy why
That made you be gone
Think you couldn’t go on
Why daddy why daddy why
What was the fright
Made you give up the fight
Why daddy why daddy why
No matter where I do go
I still miss you so
Why daddy why daddy why
You left us so young
Our story just begun
Why daddy why daddy why
We needed your love
Not in the ground or above
Why daddy why daddy why
Why didn’t you trust
That you’d always have us
Why daddy why daddy why
Did you have to quit trying
Leave all of us crying
Why daddy why daddy why
You own life you did end
And grief you did send
Why daddy why daddy why
Even after all of these years
It still brings me tears
Why daddy why daddy why
You could have seen my own child
So joyful and wild
Why daddy why daddy why
Why choose your own death
Force out your last breath
Why daddy why daddy why
No one could take your place
Seems a cowardly waste
Why daddy why daddy why
And to God I still pray
For one chance to say
“Why daddy why daddy why?”
WINTER BLUES
The sky is ash
The trees are bare
The silence stark
No life anywhere
The wind is cold
My heart breaks
When darkness comes
More than I can take
Winter is long
Spring far away
And my depression
Seems here to stay
But spring will come
Of that I’m sure
My heart will heal
In sunlight pure
Winter’s blues
Will melt with the snow
When spring’s new life
Begins to show
I can’t wait
The journey long
But my faith
Remains strong
So I rest
In the promise made
And continue
His word obey
Though the wait is long
And peace far away
I will give thanks
And praise and pray
Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here
Not far away in time
I was yours and you were mine
then you went and said goodbye
broke my heart and made me cry
but what makes it worse for me
is that I can’t seem to be free
yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here
You’re here in everything we shared
when together we were paired
you’re here in the gifts I still own
even though you’ve left me alone
I think of you every day
the pain just wont go away
Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here
I shared so much of me with you
thought we’d be friends forever true
but now you’ve left me behind
except the memories in my mind
I can’t move on, I can’t let go
but you will never ever know
Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here
Somehow I have to carry on
though it seems half of me is gone
even though I am distress
from this world there is no egress
I have responsibilities to uphold
though from my pain I’m not paroled
Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here.
Your absence is true and real
but haunted is how I feel
Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here
I say it again ...
Yes, you’re gone, but you’re still here.
End
A D & D poem:
with apologies to Larry Niven and Steven Barnes
Oh, I once had a sword, or a sword had me,
turned my cowardliness into bravery
We had many battles, the sword in the lead
I always hated it, I dont like to bleed
one day I got lucky, could leave the sword behind
deep in a dungeon for some sucker to find
Dont worry now, I still do some good.
I carry a club. No-ego wood!
BLADESONG
Can you hear the blade singing
Its sweet song drowning out my fear
It sings of our reunion
A marriage of edge and skin
It promises gentle surrender
A lie I have fallen for before
And after each time I make a vow
To resist the siren call
As a survey the damage done
The shipwreck of my flesh
But the pressure builds and builds
And the song grows ever stronger
“one more time” is the call
But I know the truth now
That one day I will sink too deep
And empty myself on its point
So I call on all to help me
Resist its dark embrace
And to speak to me loving words
To drown out the deadly song
HIT THE BRICK WALL RUNNING
A barrier ‘tween my needs and me
A brick wall across the lane
Source of my frustration
Cause of all my pain
(Chorus) Hit the brick wall running
Might just make it through
Hit the brick wall running
Nothing else that I can do
Every day it gets a little harder
Worse and worse it seems
My body failing, broken
I see the death of all my dreams
No way back no way around
Blocked at every turn
I can’t even stand still now
Lest my feet should burn
(repeat chorus)
There could be danger past it
Suffering on either side
But at least I would feel better
To know at last I tried
Friends and family try and change me
They don’t see the appeal
They just can’t see that it might be
The only way for me to heal
(repeat chorus)
I’m pulled this way and that
Torture through and through
I don’t think I can take it
But I don’t know what to do
The end I fear is coming soon
I risk my sanity
Need an answer to my question
A way I can be free
But for now I must continue
Struggle on day by day
Just to have to hold on tight
And to the Lord I pray
(repeat chorus)
SCARS
Covered over
But not removed
Hidden
But not forgotten
Marks of battle
Of wounding
Debris on the track
Makes me stumble
Old habits die hard
Nightmares return
Survivor’s guilt
Becomes background noise
Always present
But not acknowledged
Turn me inside out
Make my scars show
Vulnerable
But only then
Can healing begin
Words will never hurt me ….
Words will never hurt me, that’s what they always say
But words still carry a price, and I don’t want to pay
Like “it” is a name some give me, like I am not even real
I swallow the word, though it chokes me, I don’t know how to deal
“Sin” is what some call my journey, like I ever had a choice
And the pounding from the pulpit, drowns out my forlorn voice
“Sissy” is a favorite word for some to use, it covers lots of ground
Gives such an excuse to flex a muscle, and look for someone to pound
“Homo” and “Fag” are popular too, for those who need an excuse
To act out hate and fear, to make a war, and never call a truce
“Thing” is not a nice name, but sometimes I have heard it said
And at times, the hurt I feel inside, makes me see red
But I am not the labels, my story has so much more to say
If only you would take the time, and if attention you would pay
I don’t deserve abuse, not by labels, words, or acts
I am a human being, and only I have all the facts
Don’t tell me words are not sticks and stones, or that I should just relax
For they can hurt, by themselves and they can lead to violent acts
Words will never hurt me, that’s what they always say
But words still carry a price, and I don’t want to pay.