I really don't know how much more I can take. After every shift at my work, I am in such pain I can hardly walk. I wake in the middle of every night having to stifle a scream from the pain. Something has to change, and soon. The only good news I have is that I now have a picture of myself that my counselor took on my last session:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/12415215@N03/

I was thinking yesterday about the portrayal of fathers in stories here. It seems like for the most part, if they feature in the stories at all, they are a barrier, rather than an aide. I wonder if that matches reality? Do fathers struggle more with a child who feels like they are transgendered? If so, what could we as a community do to help them? Just a thought.

I want to thank Lilith for her help with my last story. And by "help", I mean that she took a ugly mess and made it into something readable. If anyone enjoyed the story, thank her. If anyone didnt, its probably my fault.

Well, I am struggling a bit, trying to not get discouraged with my job search. That, plus my mom and I are both fighting a cold, and we almost lost our dog yesterday. The little critter ate a mouse that had been poisoned, and my mom had to rush it to the vet. Fortunately, it looks like she is going to be ok, but still, its not fun.

Well, today was fantastic. I met the girls at the restaurant, and they were super nice. After brunch, we went to a local arts district and walked around together. It felt so good to do some normal stuff like buying some 2nd hand books and looking at dresses. After I left them to go home, I stopped at a convenience store and got some pop and picked up a few things at a dollar store. Now, i am off to pride, so i can share with the guys. hugs to all.

Well, my cluster headaches are back. It is like a migrane, but centered on my right eye and going down to my mouth. I am convinced that the stress of my situation is playing a role in this pain. Which makes it more imperitive that I figure out a way to get some hope, and fast.

I have been noodling a new vision spring story but right now, I am going to find out if i am going to get funding for school, so i am too nervous to write. wish me luck, would you?

Well, I did it. after I posted my last entry, I talked to a friend online, and found the courage, and went out and got gas as Dorothy. To do something so normal, so mundane, as dorothy gave me such a good feeling. I may start crying, but they are good tears, I think.

well, its kinda snuck up on me, but I have noticed its been a while since i really struggled with guilt over my tg issues. I think my decision to be honest with myself, my family, and my God has paid off. Its such a relief to not beat myself up every time I wanted to dress up. That feels like a major victory, to me.

I am really struggling with depression today. Its so bad i am having troubles thinking straight. I hate these times, but at least I know they dont last.

well, i put a little make-up on for pride tonight. bought some eyeshadow, blush, and lipstick (although it wasnt a stick, but with a brush - so more like lip paint) from a dollar store and am trying it out. I am not likely to get much chance to practice, so I am stuck wishing i looked less like a clown.

Well, I have written a Psalm. I am going to post it, with a religious theme tag so no one who might be offended by that will read it.

I had an odd dream the other night. I was in a moterized chair, heading for a hospital. On my way, i bumped into someone I knew, but I didnt recognize them at first because they had aged. Then I went in, and joined a very long line up for help with my gender stuff. The line actaully went from one building to another, it was that long. I joined the line, and then I woke up. weird, huh?

I am doing something i have never really done for a story before - do some research. Its actually kinda fun, to look up stuff, even if it may not end up in the story, but just to have in my head as background as I go. Meanwhile, I am kinda up and down emotionaly and in terms of my faith. I dont feel as bad as before, but now I kinda feel exhausted, numb. I am not sure if thats actually better or not

I find that I am struggling with guilt in regards to my rape. I had a moment of clearity in my counsiling thursday, when i realized I actually missed my attacker after i stopped seeing him. This, coupled with the fact that i experianced pleasure on some level during my attacks has really thrown me, and I am having trouble wrapping my head around it. Sigh.

Some random thoughts on life:

"Life . . . don't talk to me about life" Marvin the Paranoid android

"Life is a paltry player who struts and frets his moment apon the stage and then is heard from no more. It is a tale, told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

signifying nothing." McBeth

"life is pain, princess! anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something" Wesley, from the princess Bride

"One sure thing about life. Nobody gets out alive" Annon.

"The secret to a happy life? Lowered expectations." Me

Well, its been a frustrating week. I have been trying to get a letter from my doctor regarding my physical health so i could qualify for the assitance to go back to school, but no luck. Then today, I tried to get it from the local medi-center, and instead they sent me for an x-ray, and i have to go back monday. I am starting to fear that I could end up not being able to get it, and the whole dream of going back to school and maybe transitioning is going up in smoke. sigh.