While I scrambled to come up with a way to break free of this intolerably perky social appendage, Ani proceeded to show me every square inch of wine country and beyond.

I always imagined it as bucolic and genteel, Ani managed to somehow turn it into 'Michael Bay's Wine Country Adventure'. I don't know what – if anything - she actually did for a living, the way she talked I sensed she was a trust fund kid who never had to scramble for food or rent. Still, if I had to pick her ideal occupation, she should be giving tours of Amish country for folks with ADHD. Antic Ani somehow managed to turn the mellow Napa Valley vineyards into a white knuckle thrill ride.

The fact that she always seemed to end up where tourists weren't supposed to go, doing things visitors were not supposed to do ...and I would invariably chase after her, trying to stop her before we both got ejected or arrested, made the week of relaxation and rejuvenation anything but.

She was the textbook definition of a 'wild child'. A twenty-something, nearly six foot tall toddler.... with a passion for wine ...and trespassing.

I got the distinct impression that Ani went through her entire life surrounded by people who removed dangerous objects from her carefree path and ran themselves ragged protecting her from her own uninhibited curiosity. I don't think this girl knew the meaning of 'consequences' and I did not want to be the one to teach her this messy lesson.

It had only been 3 days – 72 hours.... but with Ani, time was ...different. I felt like I had been trapped in paradise with a cartoon Tasmanian Devil for weeks. I found myself shaking my head and wondering how moms do it day in and day out. And felt a profound sadness when a little voice in my head said 'you will never need to know'. I quickly shook off that glum and disturbing thought and returned my focus back to how to deal with 'Exhausting Ani'. I had managed to tone down her …questionably legal antics.... by explaining that I was on personal recognizance for an incident with my Porsche a few months back, and the last thing I needed when I finally got my court date was additional items on my police record. She nodded and seemed to understand. So, at least while we were together, Ani curbed her penchant for trespassing, joyriding on 'borrowed' farm equipment and 'sampling' from casks of still fermenting wines.

I tried to talk her into some of the more ….relaxing activities at the spa, but it was like trying to convince a 3 year old to spend a day at a reference library. So we compromised. I joined her at 'zipline adventure' and she grudgingly agreed to a mudbath and reiki session.

I somehow survived Zipline Adventure, although when they designed the tree-skimming ride, I don't think they considered anyone with my size frame. After plummeting over the forest canopy with my knees pulled up to my chest, trying to imagine the tabloids if I managed to tangle myself in the treetops, I politely suggested to the ride operators that they needed some 'size bars' like amusement park rides, and after watching my hair raising plunge, I think they were receptive to the idea.

Having fulfilled my part of the bargain, I really needed the soothing relaxation of the spa. Ani actually seemed to be into it. She even brought refreshments.

“I brought that magic tea you liked so much!” Ani beamed.

“Oh. Thanks” I replied uncertainly.

“I just remember how you wouldn't stop talking about it at Burning Man, and I felt so bad that I ran out” she pouted. “But this time I have plenty, so help yourself” she chirped as she filled two cardboard cups.

I politely took mine and raised it to my lips as Ani tossed hers back like a shot. I took a little sip and scowled.

“I don't know how you can drink it like that. Sugarcube?” she asked.

“Please!” I replied trying to get the bitter taste off my tongue, which suddenly felt like a filthy doormat. “What kind of tea is this?” I wasn't even sure it was tea. It tasted like runoff from a car wash.

“Herbal. Remember, we had it before we painted each other like adobe statues? I figured the mud bath is kind of the same ritual, so why not relive the whole experience? I also remember you didn't know how to drink your tea then either.” she smiled and tossed back another cup. “Let the sugar cube melt on your tongue then drink the whole cup in one gulp.”

I did as instructed and it was far less unpleasant.

“See? Better, huh?” Ani grinned and scampered toward the spa. “Let's go play in the mud!”

I unfolded myself and got up off my mat, dusted myself off, tossed my cup and followed her to the mud room.

I was neck deep in bubbling muck when the 'tea' kicked in.

How did I not see this coming? Ani & Katherine met at BURNING MAN!

I fought back the panic attack, knowing it would only steer things in the wrong direction, and tried to put myself in the best mindset for the ride that now seemed inevitable.

It was like a midnight waterslide... or one of those 'fun houses' where you stumble around in the dark, not noticing that you're slowly ascending as you snake through the maze, until you suddenly are surprised by the trap door and find yourself hurtling towards the exit ...and daylight.

I never did drugs as a kid. I always figured I was weird enough. Sure, I tried some pot, but it just made me feel like a lethargic ragdoll and I didn't like the feeling. I saw what drugs did to other kids. It wasn't all bad, but in some cases it could be. I never wanted to open that door and find out myself.

Well the door was open now, and it turned out to be under my feet. Not passing through was not an option, so I tried to put myself in the most relaxed positive mindset and hope for the best as I rode it out.

Ani was surprisingly helpful. Her bubbly demeanor made it seem like an incredible adventure. If I had to be tripping balls, I was so glad to be doing it with her, and not someone like my dad. ...or uncle Kevin.

“Ohmigod Kaykay! ….Your EYES! They're like ...lighthouses!!!” she squealed as we sunk into our tubs of warm, bubbling mud.

I looked embarrassedly at the attendant and tried to shrug, like 'eh? some people...' and distance myself from Ani's outburst. But I'm not sure if it came out as a shrug. I couldn't tell, because the attendant just stood there like Vishnu, arms all crossed and glowing at me.

I closed my eyes. ...or my lighthouses, if Ani was right... and tried deep, rhythmic breathing... I inhaled the world and exhaled myself.... I did this for a while and decided 'enough breathing'... I filled my lungs with the outside world and melted down into the mud... back into the earth....

I was warm and still and at piece and ...I recognized this place... I knew who I was... or who I was going to be.... and I heard my mum... not her voice.... kind of... her ….essence....

“No... no, sweetheart.... not this way.... your dad really really wants a boy... you don't want to let down your dad do you? You owe him. Without him, you wouldn't even be here.”

“But what about you? Without you, I'd be.... I wouldn't be! What do YOU want?”

“I want my sweet child to be healthy... and happy... and loving ...and loved. And you are sweetheart. I will love you no matter what.... But your father..... Is it too much to ask?” Her tone was sweet and sad.

“I didn't think so. I never thought so. But it will never be enough. I'll never make him happy. And I'll tear myself apart trying... He'll still be disappointed.... And I'll be miserable.... And the one thing you want... for us all to be happy... and loving... and loved.... we will rob you of that too.”

I laid in 'the womb' for the longest time... curled up and cozy, feeling loved and protected... knowing it was just a matter of time until I would be thrust out into the world. The cold, hard world. On my own. To find my own path. ...my OWN path.

And the world came for me... ripped me from the womb... the sea of hands pulling me into the cold cold world.

“Jesus! How long was she down there?”

“I don't know... everything was fine the last time I checked in, and when I came back, I thought she had left... then the other girl said she 'melted into mother earth' and I thought 'oh, shit' and reached down into the tub. Thank god you heard my yells, I don't think I could have gotten her out by myself, yeah she's light, but she's a fucking amazon.”

“Sweetheart... sweetie... are you alright?”

I felt the shaking and thought I should probably turn on the lighthouses.

“Christ, is she even breathing?” I heard through the fog. I know what happens next. Grabbed by the feet, hung like a chicken and whacked on the bum. Thanks but no thanks.

I let out a deep sigh, expunging the past, and filled my lungs with the future... full of possibilities.

I opened my lighthouses and beamed at them all. They all glowed back. I was back in the world. For the first time, on my own terms. I shined at them and stepped away.... out into the stars... I floated through the bonsai garden, and past the koi pond, feeling the energy of all the living things. ...listened to the music of the crescent moon, and thought 'magic tea indeed'....

I made my way to my room and stood before the mirror. I saw the suit of armour. The suit that looked like Katherine. It protected me, and enabled me. But it wasn't real. It needed to go.

I stood there, picking at it, clawing at it, pulling huge chunks of it off like a brittle facade.

Doctor Dale talked of facades... and of underlying truths... chunk after chunk, I peeled Katherine away, digging down to the truth.... until I stood before the mirror... unprotected, unguarded, but still fuzzy... I saw L.C. Looking back at me. But he was faded and pale and not really... real. Kind of a dull ghost. A mirage... something you thought was there, but when you reached out to touch it, really wasn't. It wasn't armour. It wasn't a brittle facade like Katherine. It was like... a faded coat of cheap paint. Seemingly protecting what was underneath, but not really doing anything constructive.

“Kaykay! THERE you are!” Ani exclaimed as I continued to stand before the full length mirror, clawing and picking.

“Ohmigod. What did you DO? ...there's dried mud everywhere! ...oh honey, we've gotta wash you off!” and she gently led me to the bathroom.

“Yes” I said quietly. “....have to wash ...me... off.”

I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. It wasn't a violent, scrubbing shower like the one after my uncle Kevin encounter. It was ...cleansing... I washed myself off. All of me. All that never really belonged. All the paint and whitewash. Years and years of coatings applied every time I found something else I needed to ...cover up... it was all gone. And I stood there as naked as I've ever been. As natural and ...un-retouched as I had ever been.

I padded out into my room, still naked and dripping. Ani just stared at me, eyes wide. But it could have just been the 'tea'.

“Are you OK?” she said quietly, a bit of the scared child in her voice.

I thought about it. Maybe harder than the question deserved.

“Yes.” I said as much to myself as to Ani. “Yes. I am OK.”

She looked at me. Unconvinced.

“I ...AM... OK.”

I finally admitted it to myself.

“How much magic tea did you drink?” Ani asked as she wrapped a bath sheet around me. From the tone of her voice, I suspected she really didn't want to know.

“Enough.” I smiled. “....Enough.”

She still regarded me with uncertainty. I walked back to the mirror and beheld the girl smiling back confidently at me. I was finally nearly through the chute or waterslide or re-birth canal or whatever the hell I sensed myself falling into when the tea kicked in. Things were slowly getting back to normal. The girl in the mirror was happy and confident, and ...OK... with herself. She still had a bit of a neon glow, and I found myself impatient for the rest of the tea to wear off.

I don't know if Ani didn't want to be alone that night or if she didn't trust me to be alone until the tea fully wore off, but she asked to stay and I nodded my consent.

We spooned all night long.

I had never imagined the first time I 'slept with a girl' it would be like this... curled up into her, her arms draped around my waist.... just cuddling.... wearing just my outsized UCLA tee shirt and panties ….and still tripping slightly.

Funny how life can surprise you.

The next morning, Ani was very attentive. And very tactile. I don't know whether she had a serious crush on Katherine, or she was just feeling guilty about the 'magic tea'. The more she talked, the less clear it became.

“Oh, Kaykay... I'm so sorry about the magic tea... I just remembered how much you liked it at Burning Man, and thought it would be just like old times.”

There was a ...look... in her eyes, and I wondered about 'old times'. I also wondered if what she thinks happened then is remotely related to Katherine's take on those events.

“No...” I said as nonchalantly and dismissively as I could muster. “It was..... OK..... maybe not the same as Burning Man.... but... OK..... in its own way.” I was trying to assuage her guilt, but also being honest to myself. The incident the night before freaked the hell out of me, but it also ripped the scales from my eyes. I was still digesting the alarming dose of self awareness I got last night, but I certainly couldn't blame Ani. She thought I was Katherine. I was such a good liar, I had her convinced. Katherine obviously knew about the magic tea from Burning Man. So when I accepted it – as Katherine – Ani was completely absolved of any accusations of 'slipping me' anything. My success at 'being Katherine' was my own undoing. I not only had an epiphany about 'being Katherine', I had a second epiphany about being L.C.

And that shook me to my core.

While I knew I had a lot of soul searching to do about that, my immediate concern was Ani.

I don't know why I hadn't thought of this sooner, but during the rare moments I had away from 'my bestie', I fished out my iPhone and texted Katherine.

How do I get rid of Analise Fiore?

Avenging Ani?

You remember her!

Hard to forget. You can't.

YOU did.

I had help.

I heard about the motorcycle gang.

They weren't exactly the Hell's Angels. They were a bunch of middle aged Tom Bosley, Dick Van Patten types on full dress Harleys... the winnebago of motorcycles.

The 'Wild Hogs'? :-)

Pretty much. But they got the job done. They dropped me at the airport and Dennis got me home.

You don't happen to know any Napa bikers?

You're on your own there. Oh, and don't let her make any Magic Tea.

Wish I had messaged you yesterday.

Oh. You seem OK.

I think I'm through it now.

Except for the flashbacks.

Oh joy. Something to look forward to. :-P

Good luck getting away. Curious to see how you do it.

Me too. Thanks for the input. I'll let you go. Have to come up with an escape plan. ...any time you want your life back....

I'm good here. And when you see Ani, tell her something for me.

Sure. What?

“Buh-bye.”

OMG. I think Katherine just made a joke! I didn't know she joked. She actually seems more expressive in text messages. Maybe because there's so little expression in text messages that a little seems like more.

It wasn't exactly a portly middle aged biker group, but my deliverance did come, unexpectedly in a text from Dennis.

How COMMITTED are you to a FULL week of pampering?

I called him back immediately.

“Ohmigod? Avenging Ani??? The girl who chased Katherine away from Burning Man???” Dennis exclaimed with shock and I could tell, more than a little morbid curiosity.

“As I understood it, Ani didn't chase her away... Katherine fled.”

“I suppose you could look at it that way, but Katherine would have to be driven from Burning Man.”

“Actually, I heard she was ridden away, in the sidecar of a Harley” I laughed.

Dennis chuckled. “Oh yeah. AARP's Angels.....”

“Well... I'm here now.... with Ani.... who is ….clingy...”

“Katherine called her 'the cheerful tick.'”

“Ouch. Still, I can see that. So, whatever you need me for.... I can …..cut my stay short.”

“I had you at HELLO, didn't I?” Dennis chuckled

“No. You had me at Incoming Caller ID” I laughed back. “How soon can you get here?”

So now I just had to break the news to the cheerful tick.

Ani did not take it well.

“Oh, Kaykay.... NO!... I just found you again after all this time and you're leaving me again?”

OK. No longer any doubt. Serious girl crush. And lots of waterworks. I remained impassive... in Katherine-mode.

“It's work. It's what I do. I had a break and took some down time here, but something came up and I have to cut the break short.” I wanted to at least dry her eyes, but it didn't seem to be something Katherine would do, so I just stood there, looking at the space between us.

“Oh, Kaykay..... it's just not fair!” she wailed. And threw herself at me, wrapping her limbs around me in what I can only describe as a full body hug. This girl was seriously needy. I tried to channel Katherine.... I kept my arms by my sides and my breathing calm. I slowly reached up and patted her head.... but not with any actual warmth or consolation, just a repetitive tapping pat... like someone mimicing something they had once seen but didn't really understand.

“It is what it is.” I said flatly, and broke myself away to begin packing.

“Will I ever see you again?” she asked through breathy sobs.

“Did you expect to see me here this week?” I asked in my Katherine monotone.

“No. Of course not! It was …. such a surprise!”

I shrugged. “Then you never know.”

She daubed her eyes on her sleeve like a little girl and tried to compose herself.
“....When?....” she asked in a tiny voice.

I shrugged. “If we knew, it wouldn't be a surprise” and turned back to my packing, while I could feel her just standing there, gazing at me. I wondered how long it would take Dennis to come and rescue me.

Not long, it turns out. Dennis was really eager to meet the notorious Ani, and wasted no time coming to fetch me. He and Mikey arrived in a silver A7 about an hour later. Meanwhile, I went through the Kubler Ross stages with Emo Ani.

When Dennis and Mikey arrived, I introduced them to Ani, who clung tightly to me and proclaimed to them both that we were 'soulmates and forever besties' and how sorry she was to see me go.

“Well, it is what it is...” I said yet again... and impatiently waited for Ani to break the hug. Dennis finally had to actually pry her fingers and gently separate her from me. I could tell by the twinkle in his eye that he was really enjoying this awkward moment. Mikey just stood by the car, taking it all in and smirking.

We finally got my bags into the car and drove away. I could almost taste the freedom.

“Don't look now” Dennis chuckled as he eyed the rearview mirror, “but someone is following the car like a puppy off the leash.”

“Shaaaane!” Mikey wailed plaintively with a stupid grin on his face. I slapped his wrist gently.

“SSSHHHH! She could still hear you!” I tried to scold, but my smirk betrayed me.

“So that was the Cheerful Tick?” Dennis smiled.

“More like Tearful Chick!” Mikey shot back.

“YOU two! Be NICE” I tried to chide... but my heart wasn't in it. I was just relieved to be rescued.

It turned out that the 'thing' they needed me for was a studio related meet and greet at a gathering of lawmakers and silicon valley hotshots at a conference on Intellectual Property at Stanford. Apparently I was part of the 'celebrity bait' they wanted to lure in the movers and shakers to talk about movie piracy.

“How convenient I just happened to be nearby getting pampered courtesy of my studio benefactors” I smiled to Dennis.

He grinned back.”I was never sure how many of the puppet strings Katherine actually noticed, but YOU are a quick study!”

I thought to myself, she saw them all, but she never let on... no one has a better poker face. No one ever suspected she was on to them. No wonder she needed a break.”

“OK, so what am I expected to do?” I had no idea what 'celebrity bait' meant.

“Oh, just glide through the room, stopping for photo ops with whoever wants to namedrop later.”

“Like that photo of Katherine and the Dalai Lama?” I grinned.

Dennis nodded, grinning back. “Usually there's idle chitchat involved, but Katherine always gets a pass on that.”

“How hard can it be to talk to internet jillionaires and politicians? Are they that different from studio suits?”

“Well, Hollywood people have much better stylists.... but yeah, more alike than not.”

“Sounds like fun. Let me at them.”

“Ummm yeah. That's what worries me sweetie. I don't think they're ready for you. Washington & Silicon Valley are not known for their humor.”

“I beg to disagree. Have you ever seen Joe Biden? That guy's hilarious. And the spraytan guy? Do you ever watch CSPAN? I discovered it on the road. It's like YouTube without cute cats.” I grinned.

“Now I know they're not ready for you!” Dennis laughed. “...but, the studio did ask for you specifically.... so.....” and he broke out in the most impish grin I'd ever seen.

“By the way. Why did they call you to tell me about this command performance, and not just tell me?”

“Well, I AM your PA...” he squirmed. Then he looked at me with a gleam in his eye. “And I think Katherine scares the hell out of them. They'd rather have you shoot the messenger” and he gave a little bow.

“I see.” I muttered as I began to get an idea. “So, when they're too afraid to communicate with Katherine directly, and go through …channels..... it's sort of like a corporate game of ...telephone?” I grinned.

Dennis shot me a look that was a mixture of apprehension and mischievous delight. “Ummm.... how exactly is this message going to get ….misinterpreted?” he grinned.

“Mikey? Are you online?” I asked rhetorically. He smiled and nodded. “How many costume shops are there in San Francisco?"