Titia
"So, we didn't scare you off last week?" asked Chloe.

"Not when there's a chance the guy with the hands might be back."

"Hey! You gotta give the rest of us a fair chance this week," complained Raina.

"Besides, you told him you were flying to California or some such." Shelly smirked. "Don't think he'd buy that you're suddenly in love with him and flew back."

"How come you got the good one when all I got was that salesman?" moaned Jackie.

"Don't blame me! Paula practically pushed me into his arms when he asked me to dance."

"Last time I'll make that mistake, Titia. You're on your own from now on."

"No way! I couldn't live without my fashion consultant!"

"You are looking rather sharp tonight, girl. I suppose Paula pushed you into that dress."

"Pushing wouldn't help. I think this thing is made of shrink wrap. She did zip me up, though."

"Be nice to me or you'll never get out if it," threatened Paula.

"Who's getting the next round?"

"As the Jenny-come-lately I suppose I could spring for it," offered Titia.

"Since I couldn't make it last week, it should be my turn."

"Titia, meet Callie. Callie, this is Titia, she's Paula's grandmother's partner."

"May-December romance?"

"No! Not that kind of partner. We work together."

"Welcome to the party. What're you having?"

"Just a Pepsi."

"Jeez - you're as bad as Paula. Is it catching or something?"

"I make a really piss-poor drunk, so I don't get started."

"Drink enough and pissing isn't a problem."

"But waking up in a gutter is."

"I'd rather wake up in a bed."

"So would I, as long as I know how I got into it. And with who."

"Details, details. White or red tonight, ladies?"

"White, and with any luck, those three fellas over there might be persuaded…"

"Somebody want to do the come-hither eyes at those dudes?"

"Just unbutton a couple of more buttons and that might work, Chloe."

"Too early for that, I'm not desperate yet. Subtlety, girl, subtlety."

"You may be right, they're heading over this way. I get dibs on the blonde."

"Think any of them will be as good as Hands?"

"One way to find out, ladies."

 

"I can't hear myself think!" I complained.

"No thinking allowed!"

"Well, this place certainly is more active than the last one."

"If I try to dance to this stuff and I'll dislocate my shoulder again."

"Too bad Hands isn't here, he could fix it. There's someone tall, dark and interesting approaching at three o'clock."

"I can't stay out that late, I need my beauty rest."

"That's obvious!"

"Meow! Three o'clock as in boarding party approaching from your right hand side."

"I'm a lefty."

"Then turn around, darling."

"My, but we're Naval this evening."

"You know what they say about sailors…"

"And what do they say about sailors?"

"That they have big torpedoes, of course!"

"And you're offering docking facilities?"

"Darling, you don't dock a torpedo. A torpedo goes boom!"

"Is that how you get the earth to move after sex?"

"That would be during sex, and I'd settle for a nice tidal wave, thank you."

"And end up a washed up and pregnant on the shore."

"Nah. Do they make condoms big enough for a torpedo?"

"If they did, it wouldn't get anywhere near my docking facilities."

"So bigger isn't always better?"

"Here he comes, girls. Act nice."

"Any bets on what kind of line he'll use?"

"We're about to find out."

 

"Titia, you look like you've seen a ghost! What's wrong?"

"Not a ghost, a Sasquatch."

"You been hitting the sauce, girl?"

"I almost wish I had been. See that big dude over by the bar - the one who practically scrapes the ceiling?"

"Hmmm. Not bad if you're into the type."

"That's not exactly what I'm getting at. That's the bugger that tried to break into the warehouse and tossed me behind the dumpster."

"What?"

"A long story. Call your grandmother, now! She'll know what to do."

"But Titia, what are you going to do?"

"Invite the big bastard to dance with me, and he's going to be all mine, dammit! Call your Grandmother!"

Someday I'm going to learn to think things through before I go running off to save the day.

 

Paula the younger
"Grandma? I think Titia has lost her mind."

"So, you're finally getting to know her."

"No, that's not it. She spotted some big dude and called him a Sasquatch. Then she told me to call you and she's gone over to dance with him."

"Hot dog! That girl can think on her feet. Where are you?"

"At some hole-in-the-wall club Chloe brought us to. Marty's on Crescent near Vine. Jesus, she's actually dancing with the big guy. She doesn't even come up to his shoulder. Hell, her nose is practically in his navel."

"Better than being a few inches lower down. Stay on the line while I call Brian. If he can get a someone from Investigations down there soon there's a very nice reward for the Sasquatch."

"You'd better hurry. The way they're going at it Titia is going to collapse from overexertion. That Sasquatch can dance."

"Hold on!"

 

"Paula, you still there?"

"I'm still there, Gram."

"Brian is on the way with some backup, Think Titia can spin him on for another twenty minutes?"

"I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this. She's drinking white wine, and you know she doesn't drink as Titia."

"I guess Pepsi doesn't cut it when you're trying to get the Sasquatch to seduce you."

"Where the hell did Titia get those moves? She has the guy practically drooling in her hair."

"And you didn't believe Titus was really a girl deep down."

"I did wonder after last weekend."

"I don't think I want to know any details, child. I'm on my way out the door, I got be there when they catch the bastard."

"Bring your earplugs, Gram. It's loud in here."

"So I've noticed over the phone. Don't let the Sasquatch get away!"

 

Titia
Despite my best efforts at seduction, the Sasquatch failed to invite me home or even keep plying me with drinks. Half an hour later, Brian, Paula and another guy I hadn't met came rushing in the door, looking rather out-of-place in a bar catering to twenty-something punk rockers.

That was when I realized that in my enthusiasm to catch my tormentor I had forgotten how I was dressed. That was my boss, or rather my boss's boss coming in the door and he wouldn't know Titia from Adam or, I suppose, Eve. Oh shit!

Paula waved to her grandmother and they headed to our table.

"I take it the Sasquatch has gone back to the deep woods?"

"I'm afraid so," I told him.

"Damn!" swore the stranger.

"This is Detective Matt Pierson. He's heading the investigation into the break in."

"I tried my best to keep him interested, but he made some excuse and took off," I told them.

"He must have had a awfully urgent appointment to abandon someone like you, ma'am," said the detective.

"I suppose he had another building to break into and couldn't wait."

"Not to be ungrateful, ma'am," the detective interjected, "but how do you fit into this whole thing?"

"Uh, Brian," my partner replied, "I think you need to start wearing a hat."

"And what in blue blazes does me wearing a hat have to do with anything?"

"Because you're going to need to hang on to your hat right now."

"Paula, just how much have you been drinking tonight?"

"Not a blessed drop, I just got here. I could do with a beer, though."

"Not until someone explains what's going on," the detective said.

"You're a hard man, Brian. OK, this will come as a shock, but this lovely lady is my partner Titus when she's off duty."

"Jesus Christ on a crutch!"

"I don't think he has anything to do with this, Boss," replied Paula the elder.

"Paula, why is it that things around you always seem to go where I never expect them to?"

"My innate creativity?"

"If you weren't so damn reliable I'd have to wonder."

"You'll have to thank Titia here for luring the Sasquatch out of his den."

"Now you know why the Sasquatch didn't recognize me from the other night," I told Brian.

"I may have to transfer you to undercover work. That's one hell of a disguise."

"I'll be honest. This is the real me - Titus is the disguise." In for a penny, in for a pound, as the saying goes.

"I think I'd rather stick to catching mythical beasties tonight. We can talk about this some other time."

"If I'm still employed."

"You're still employed, even if I'm confused. So how do we find the Sasquatch again?"

"Easy," I replied. "I gave him my phone number."