For those who don't know, I'm fat. I mean really, really fat. I used to be fat when I was in high school, but I'm way beyond that now. When I won districts my senior year the newspaper read "slimmer heavyweight wins title". I thought the article was about someone else because I was at the high end of the weight class at 275lbs. But the article was about me and was littered with fat jokes and how I struggled keeping under 275. Oh, how I wish I weighed that now. Instead, I am 615lbs. God I wish that was a typo. But it is a fact of life.

Well, just when I thought I could start to relax after the stress of the move, I have a new anxiety to deal with.

See, my new landlord has given my mom and I a tenancy agreement form to fill out, and as it is a legal document, I'll have to put my legal name down, basically outing myself to him.

So I am trying really hard to not dwell on the possiblity of him freaking out over it, but I'm not succeeding all that well ...

Probably doesn't mean much to anyone else on here, but 9 years seems like a lot. Been here 9 years and been in love with someone on here for just about eight years....

Well it makes me happy, I hope my online lover feels the same....

{{Hugs}} to All

I am really struggling with the fact I am finding dudes attractive now. I think it would be hard enough with just the fact that I never found them interesting before my transition, but my past sexual abuse is making it much harder.

Not sure what to do, honestly.

Well, I was all set to regale you all with my tips for surviving a move when the brown stuff hit the fan - first in the form of a flashback just before church started, then I came home to find out my mom's car had its battery die on her.

Sigh ...

As a bit of history, for those who may not know...

Hi folks,

Easter weekend and the week following it were far busier than I had anticipated so I haven't had a whole lot of time to work on all the Hyperverse stuff i was doing. Add to that the fact that part 2 of Shocking Developments is turning out way longer than I anticipated and yeah not as much has been done as I would like.

This week I have sent in my application forms to claim my occupational and state pensions. At times it feels a bit scary, at others I can't wait to retire - the NHS is no place for old biddies or dinosaurs like me. It's all cut and thrust driven by youth and government targets, neither of which realise that they're reinventing wheels which didn't work last time or the one before. I suppose in my time I wanted to save the world too, now I just want to get off and do my own thing, tired of people who are too stupid to know that when they are in a hole, the best course is to stop digging.

Before an administrator gets upset that I'm posting on the same subject too often, this will be the last post about my foot for a while.

1. Dr. Martinez has been awesome. He has really kept on top of things and made sure I got the test that were needed and wouldn't take no for an answer. If others were so proactive, things wouldn't have gone so far.

2. I do not have an infection. Perhaps at one point I did, but I don't now. So that is a relief. After getting a bone scan a few weeks ago and getting a CT scan and x-rays today, everything came up negative.

Yesterday I drove all the way down to Sarasota to get an MRI (It's more than an hour drive one way) only to be told that I was too fat. That really does give one a blow to their ego. Excuse me ma'am, but the machine can only take one person at a time and each of your ass cheeks constitutes a person. Notwithstanding that I told these people my weight beforehand and that the nurse at the specialist did to (I was standing right there when she called), there was a "miscommunication" and I wasted 3 hours of my life.

I am really stressing over this move.

Hormones and age have sapped what little physical strength I had, and we aren't going to have a lot of help moving. I think this might be the worst move I've had yet, and that's saying something ...

It's been a case of ups & downs recently, none more so than the past few days.

As I've previously said, I've been suffering depression for a few months but it is under those conditions that I find I can concentrate on my writing as I effectively block out everything else. That doesn't mean that I ignore my teenage daughter, some chance of that, but calls & emails are unanswered for hours, or days.

Jennifer Sue

As an Indiana resident in Indianapolis, and a Religious Jew, I will be picketing the State Capital and Governor's Mansion claiming the Discrimination Law is against God's Law as soon as my foot doesn't have an ulcer.

Companies with headquarters in Indiana:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/30/indiana-ceos-lgbt-d...

Well, I finally made it to the end of a really tough week. My job was very physically taxing all week, getting ready for this move is stressing me, and my spiritual struggles meant I was emotionally drained all the time.

Ah, well. Maybe next week will be better ...

I am not going to give you too much information on this. You need to Google "Xq-28". There are enough articles out there to give a range of opinion. It appears that the "Gay" genes are being isolated and that as this occurs, transgender genes are sure to follow.

AND, I have often thought that perhaps I was simply Gay?

It's going to happen for us, I just know it.

Gwen

I got a FB PM from her this morning. She tells me that she still loves me but because of her belief's WILL NOT concider me to be her sister. Not only that but she will continue to use male pronouns and my birth name to introduce me to others and speak to me. She says she wants to have a conversation with me about my transitioning however from what I got from the PM, she is absolutely sure that God conciders what I am doing to be an abomination.

Well, it looks like everything is set, and we're gonna be moving over the next month.

The good part of it is that we dont have to wait to start sending stuff over to the new place, so it wont have to happen in one big moving day. The bad parts include the fact that we're gonna have to give away or put in storage a lot of our stuff as the new place is much smaller, and that my online time will become more and more constrained as I spend more time getting stuff done.

Ah, well. short term pain for long term gain, or so I hope ...

9:31 a.m.

I'm at a desolate, deserted Souter Point on England's gloomy north-east coast. And I'm far from happy.

I just want to vent and whine and cry a little if that's okay with others. I've seen others do it, so I figured maybe it will be therapeutic and I will feel better afterwards. If not, I can try to kill myself with Rocky Road Ice Cream and see if I can fall into an ice cream induced coma (one step past brain freeze).

I am an interest mix of paradoxes. I don't think people realize that and sometimes it is difficult to form a kind of cohesion to make everything fit. Sometimes it leads to doubt, sometimes it leads to self-hatred, and a few times it has led to self harm.

I have avoided talking about this for a while, but I finally decided I needed to share this bit of news.

I am in serious financial trouble.

Thanks to a budgeting exercise my sister in law helped my mom and I with, we discovered that we are in the hole for $ 600 a month.

Six ... hundred ... dollars ... short ... every ... month.

obviously, that's not sustainable.

So we're trying to find a cheaper place to live, and working where we can to get this under control.

Just for fun, here is a top five list of ways they could screw up Avengers Age of Ultron

Number 5 - Entire cast replaced by CGI

Number 4 - Ultron does a really bad Darth Vader impersonation

Number 3 - Hulk spends movie riding the rides at Disneyworld

Number 2 - Climax involves game of "go fish"

and the Number 1 way they could screw up Avengers Age of Ultron is ...

two words - "Cap nipples"

There you go, your giggle for the day ...

Well, I had planned to write a little blog on the fact that Barbie seems to have less trouble making a super-heroine aimed at kids than either Marvel or DC comics do, but I think I should talk about some more serious stuff instead.

Anybody who knows me probably knows I struggle with self care a lot.

Not to put too fine a point on it, I suck at looking after myself.

The black dog, for those who are unaware, was Churchill's term for depression. Well, it's standing next to me at the moment. Work problems are somewhat awful right now, and getting worse, and together with the PTSD and GID I am not doing very well. Not cycling, not even going out the front door except for work and to get food.

Writing has taken a back seat, as you may have noticed. The dog has me by the throat and won't let go. Normal service may or may not be resumed at some point.