I think I've mentioned before that I struggle with the day-to-day stuff, of which shaving is the most difficult for me.

Having a dark beard on white skin that grows faster than anything is a pain, especially when five-o'clock shadow is probably the easiest "tell" out there, but more permanent solutions are beyond my financial reach, so I dont have any choices.

Sometimes, a girl has gotta do what a girl has gotta do.

Ah, well.

took my daughter to the fair today, and she had an awesome time. She tried some rides, played some games, got a couple of goofy prizes, and ate really bad-for-you food. It was awesome for her, but I got a little extra gift for me - a caricature of me as a girl fairy.

Its an awesome pic, and if I ever can, I take a photo of it and upload it so you all can see.

Its moments like this that remind me just how blessed I am.

Well, last night was a rough one for me. It started with an uncomfortable feeling in my genital area, which by lunch had progressed to actual pain.

The pain of course caused me a lot of psychological distress to the point that I was hyperventilating, but thank God one of my co-workers seemed to understand why this was so much WORSE for me than for a non trans guy - every painful feeling was a reminder of the part of me I would give anything not to possess at all, and I actually had to repress an urge to take the box-cutting knife I carry and perform some impromptu surgery with it.

had a rather strange moment last night. I went to work a little early, and I decided to read the paper. While reading the sports section I saw a picture of a male swimmer who is going to the Olympics, and I found myself almost unable to tear my eyes away for far longer than what you would expect from someone who has always insisted that my sexual orientation is towards women.

I dont know what to think about this, or what this ultimately means.

Ah, well.

Well, my mother had a long talk with my aunt, and straightened her out in terms of what she wants - That she'll try a bit harder to take care of her health, but she's happy living where she's living, having me as her roommate, and working as long as she's able to.

But what made me proudest was in her conversation she referred to me as Dorothy, her daughter, and used the proper pronouns the whole time.

I'm so blessed to have a mom who gets it like mine.

Well, I came home from helping the ex with the doc's office, when I found out that one of my aunts is trying to gather our family to have me charged with elder abuse and neglect in regards to my mom. But mom is making her own choices in continuing to work and having me live with her. All I can do is have mom state that clearly to my aunt, and hope that's enough to stop this.

Ah, well.

Had a nice day with my daughter yesterday. We took the train to downtown, and strolled around the downtown mall, had lunch, and then came home. I know it doesnt sound terribly exciting, but it made her happy. And I didnt really mind toning down the fem side for the day so she could have the best day possible.

Small things, but they make the world go round, don't they?

Well, over the last two days I've had two very different conversations with two very different men, and I thought I would share them with you.

First, I had a conversation with one of my neighbors, that started with him asking me how I was doing, and when I said I was hanging in there, he said "not for much longer, right?"

Turns out he was talking about my SRS.

So we had a laugh, and a good conversation on the whole subject and I felt very relieved, because I didnt know how he'd react.

Well, today I two moments that felt like feminine milestones, but I reacted quite differently to each of them. First, when I was eating supper, I brushed my arm against my breasts and suddenly felt all sorts of confusing feelings as my body reacted to the contact. I liked it, I was scared of it, and it took my friend Jaci several minutes of talking to me on the phone to restore some semblance of balance.

I have a serious question. Do you LIKE getting erections? Is it supposed to feel good?

Well, I dont. I hate mine with a passion. They hurt. They make it harder to wear the kind of clothes I like. And they are a reminder I am not the person I want to be, need to be, or am inside, depending on your point of view.

Ah, well.

The last couple of days the temp has been above 30 C, with enough humidity in the air to make it feel much hotter. I've been hiding as much as I can, hoping that soon this will pass.

Well, I had my last session at the rape center. We reminisced about the first time I went to her office in female clothes, and how far I've come since then. She also told me to try not to worry about times like I had the other day, its actually a good sign that I was able to get some of that stuff out of me, but maybe I should switch to adult mode when they happen to access the skills I've learned in my sessions.

One day at a time, that's all I can do, right?

I went to Wal-Mart today in my nice new blouse and skirt, and got to chatting with the people on either side of the line up at the pharmacy counter. Then I strolled through a farmer's market, and then stopped on my way home to get a glass of lemonade from a kid's stand. At no point did anyone seem to give me so much as a double take, which once upon a time I would have said was simply impossible for me - there was simply no way I could pass.

Funny how wrong a person can be, isnt it?

Well, last night I was telling my co-workers about getting my 2nd opinion, and one of my co-workers said "You should have just asked me - I knew you were totally a girl the first time we met."

I asked "how?" and she said, "It just radiates out of you."

Nice, huh?

Well, I just came back from my 2nd opinion. They called me in just as I was leaving to see the endo doc. He's recommending me for the SRS. So now I just wait until December when I see my regular gender specialist, and he will put me on the waiting list.

I think I'm in shock, it doesnt seem real yet...

I'm so happy I'm crying

I had a nasty flashback/nightmare today (I sleep days, because I work nights).

It was so bad I actually threw myself off my bed and woke up on the floor.

I'm so dam tired of this ....

My mom started fooling around with my hair last night, and now I have an honest-to-goodness pony tail. The ex had a bit of a freak out about it, but that's to be expected.

I kinda like it, though.

think I've reached a point in my journey where I feel confident enough to try out different looks to see what one suits me best. For example, I've been wearing a very subtle plum shade of nail color, and today I decided to try a bold red instead. I'm also looking at hairstyles, to see what I can do with that as well, although I still have a bit of thinness at the front that I would like to cover over as much as it can be.

I think a good step forward for me, and kinda fun besides.

The worst part of not being in a relationship right now? Not having someone to hold me while I shake during a PTSD moment.

They're scary sometimes, and hurt all the time, and I ache afterward, but the worst part is going through them alone, when all you want is someone to put their arms around you so you can feel safe.

I love my online friends, and I'm super grateful for their support, and I've been pretty lucky at finding someone to talk to when things have been bad, but I ache sometimes for a pair of actual arms around me, holding me and supporting me.

Ah, well.