I just wanted to apologize for the fact I haven't finished "Jake goes for help" yet. Real life is kicking my behind, including spending more than 12 hours in bed yesterday and still feeling tired today.

Hope to have it ready soon. So sorry.

For the 2nd time, I had someone assume I had been married to a man. As the last time this happened, I didnt correct their assumptions, but I feel different about it now. I feel guilty, that I lied by not correcting him. I always wanted to pass, to have people assume I'm a woman full stop.

So why do I feel so guilty?

Had a conversation at work with Aurella, and I was grousing about my lack of progress lately with my transition, and she said. "Oh please. I've had SRS, and I can wear a skirt and pigtails and still get called 'Sir.' You met my mom, and just yesterday she referred to you as 'the woman who came over once'. You cant complain about your progress."

I was taken aback, and said, "But ... I wasnt trying to be feminine."

There are people here who know firsthand about sexual abuse. Some of them have backgrounds that make my childhood seem like a Sunday picnic.

Well, I'm going to confess something, and every non-trans woman and transitioned trans woman will have the right to laugh at me for it.

I'm struggling with the hormones.

Well, yesterday was a real mixed bag day. First, I woke up with a story idea, and had it written and published in about an hour, and since it was a happy romance story, I got an extra buzz from being able to write something other than darkness.

Then, I went to my local trans support group and got the bad news that three of the founding members were quitting the group, and suggesting that the group disband entirely. Not sure where that leaves me for support, but ah, well.

Well, I got a message from Jade telling me Kylie is alive, in her words "no thanks to you." I dont care. She can blame me for not picking up on the clues if she wants to. Kylie is alive. That's what matters.

Well, its possible that something good has come out of what I've been posting about my friend Kylie. A friend got a hold of me, and confessed to having struggled with suicidal thoughts over last weekend, and we talked for a long time, and I told her to go to the hospital even if the feeling had passed. She said she would, and thanked me for being there.

Does that balance the scales of my failure with Kylie? No. But if she follows through, I'll feel a little better about it.

I got even worse news about Kylie tonight. Her best friend messaged me on Facebook, and told me that the local sheriff had come by. Apparently, Kylie had told the shelter where she was living that she was moving in with her friend, and the shelter was quite concerned about her mental state. And since her friend had not even heard from her much less have her show up, it seems clear to me that she had this well planned so no one could possibly stop her.

I wrote a poem in tribute to her:

"Dont give up" she said,

The last words from her lip

As if dealing with my friend Kylie's apparent decision to kill herself wasnt enough stress, things are piling up around here.

Well, I feel like a dope.

My friend Kylie got a hold of me tonight, and asked me if I wanted a laptop. When I tried to talk about how much I missed her, she just said "Dont get too attached."

The bible says "All things work for the good of those who believe", but how can my being trans work for the good? What good can come out this kind of struggle?

well, I had my first all day group counselling today, and it was pretty good. After spending time doing some self-evaluation paperwork, I was able to join the group for the 2nd "class" of the day - which was all about early warning signs of an oncoming emotional crisis, and what you do to nip one in the bud. After lunch, we had a class on boundaries and trying to learn to be neither too soft or too hard in making them. Then for our last class of the day we discussed time management and making priorities.

Well, its the last day of 2012, and its kinda traditional to take a moment and look back at the year that was. And since I rather like that tradition, here goes.

Well, right now, I'm plodding away at "Jake goes for help". Its a really tough story for me, for obvious reasons, so I can only do so much and then I need a break from it. But I'm hoping to have Chapter 4 finished by the start of the new year, and my basic outline has maybe 2 chapters thereafter before the story ends. I have tentatively planned to have a flashback chapter as a totally separate chapter, so those who would have trouble dealing with such things can skip it without missing much of the story.

I'm looking for a story. Its about a student who resents their teacher trying to make them stand out, and so transforms them into a sexy woman.

Well, last night, we had our Christmas dinner, and it was wonderful. There was a moment, when my daughter was on one side of me, my mom on the other, my brother and sister behind, and the dog in front, and I realized just how blessed I am, that here I was, literally surrounded by love, even in the midst of my transition which gives my family fits.

Once upon a time, I created a character named Fluke and described her as "the luckiest woman alive" but I think that title really belongs to me instead.

Well, I had to spend my Christmas money on buying a new battery for my car. Ah well, had to be done.

Well, I just got home from seeing the psychologist about doing the day program in the new year, and it went well. For now, the plan is that I would join the groups on my days off, and we'll go from there.

Baby steps, baby steps ....

(Sorry about that - accidently copy/pasted the wrong thing)

Last night, I had a bit of a flashback, and coming out of it I found myself shaking with anger.