A Conversation with Mother - Secret Girl

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A Conversation with Mother - Secret Girl

I heard the front door close. The noise of my brothers laughing and bouncing the football carried through my bedroom window. I heard my father say.

“Be careful of the road.”

As they made their way to the park to kick the ball about.

I had told them I just want to play in my bedroom.

“Ok, suit yourself.”

Was the reply. I went to the cupboard to look for my battery operated record player when my mother called.

“Simon, can you come downstairs please.”

I knew I was in trouble, because of what happened earlier.

I had gone into my parent’s bedroom and opened the top draw of my mother’s chest of drawers. Inside were lots of pairs of my mum’s knickers. I had run my hands up and down the frilly underwear. I pulled out a pair of blue knickers with stiff short lace on the legs. The lace tickled my hands. I wanted to put them on.

I had stripped off my pants, and stepped into the knickers. I pulled them all the way up and felt the nylon and lace tickle as they moved up my legs. They fell down straight away. I was a six year old boy, there was no way they would stay up. I held them in both hands and pulled them up. In the mirror I saw myself a six year old boy in women’s knickers. Did this mean I was a girl now?

My father burst into the room.

“What the bloody hell do think you’re doing. Take those off, Don’t dare ever do that again.”

My heart felt like it was going to burst. I had never seen him so angry. He had smacked me before, but his voice scared me. I must have done something very bad. I dressed and he shoved me out the door. Would he tell my brothers? Would he hit me.

I ran to my bedroom and curled upon the bed.

Later I had eaten my lunch with the family and there was no mention of what I had done. Now my mum wanted me to come downstairs. I stood in front of her and she asked the question I dreaded.

“Why did you wear my knickers?”

My tears fell.

“I’m sorry mum, I didn’t mean to I..”

“It’s ok , I just wanted to know why.”

I want to be a girl mum. Why do you make me be a boy?”

She looked at me, with a startled expression.

“We don’t make you be a boy, you are a boy darling.”

“Why can’t I just dress as a girl? I’ll be a girl then.”

“Why do you want to be a girl?”

I don’t like playing war and fighting. I want to play hopscotch with the girls, but they won’t let me, they won’t play with me because I’m a boy.”

“Do you just want to play with the girls then?”

I want to be a girl mum. I want people to see my pretty clothes and to tell me how pretty I am. If you buy me a dress then I will be a girl, please mum, please.”

She hugged me tight and whispered into my ear.

“It’s not that easy Simon. Girl and boys are different. Down there.”

“Down where mum?”

“You have your little willy in your pants. Ladies and girls just have a hole.”

This was a revelation. I thought that some people wore nice clothes and had long hair and were girls. I thought that if I could wear a dress, I could be a girl.”

My lips quivered, and the tears began again.

“Can you cut it off for me and make me a girl mum?”

“Oh my poor baby, do you want to be a girl, that badly?”

“Yes mum, I hate being a boy, make me a girl mum, please.”

She stroked my hair as she hugged me. She whispered in my ear.

“I will buy you a dress and other girls’ things. You must never tell anyone. I mean anyone. Not your brothers, dad, nan, granddad or your friends. If you do, it will stop. You can be my secret daughter. Every month I will keep you off school for a day and you can stay home with me and be a girl. You can’t go out and play, but I will teach you girl things and play girls games with you. Would you like that?”

“Yes please mum. Thank you, thank you.”

I hugged and kissed her. I was going to be a girl, a secret girl.

“I think my secret girl is going to be called Debbie, do you like that?”

My smile lit up the room.

*************************************************************************************************************************
Well it would have, but in reality, in that unremarkable house in north London in 1969, nothing remarkable happened. I just sat alone in my room and played with my least boyish toys.

The part where I got caught is true, the rest is what I wished would have happened.

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Comments

My Own Experience

Some say that my mother messed me up, but I don't know. When I was very young two or three, I remember being in a dress. Was it to facilitate changing diapers or was I a girl then? I don't know. My real name was Gwinn but people thought it was Gwen and they asked me about it. My mother used to make comments that she wished I was a girl. Later she met my stepfather and he angrily cut my long hair right down to my scalp. Until I was a teen, he beat me often, admonishing me to be more like a man. I hated him for it. Sometime when I was 14 he came after me and I picked up a hatchet. I did intend to kill him but he took it away from me. He never beat me again. My whole life, I was never masculine enough for others and they thought I was gay. I rode fast motorcycles, and did extremely dangerous work for a living. It was never enough for my wife. I've had surgery after the divorce, and have lived as a woman for over 16 years. My Scoliosis never held me back. I thought it was minor, but I am finding out it is not, more pain every day. Lately I wonder why I am alive? Why is suicide so bad?

Please Don't Gwen

leeanna19's picture

Gwen, please don't even consider suicide. I read your "just saying" blog. You just sound a bit down at the moment, As you say "someone to hold me", friendship and companionship matter. I haven't lived your life, so I can't know your pain. You need to talk to others. Things can often get better. I don't know if you are alone, but when we have nothing but out own thoughts, they bounce around inside our head and get louder.

Life is precious, we don't know if it is the only chance we get to "be". Possibly get involved in helping others? Just a thank you can make you realize how valuable you are. Sometimes though , a simple thing, like a hug can make you feel much better.

A big hug and lots of kisses

Leeanna xxxx

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Leeanna

Little Leanna

laika's picture

I wish Little Leanna could have had a mum like that, one who immediately understood that in some way she had a daughter not a sibl and loved and accepted her, while protecting her from the world of 1969. I've read several stories here that started with a pivotal moment in the author's young life and rewrote it the way it should have gone. It might be small consolation to only get to live it out in a story but it helps us through affirming who we were, and are. Such a sweet little story.
~hugs, Ronni

.
"Government will only recognize 2 genders, male + female,
as assigned at birth-" (In his own words:)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1lugbpMKDU

Thanks Roni, You know

leeanna19's picture

Thanks Roni, You know ironically my mother yearned for a girl. Her sister had 4 boys, she had 3 boys. She said "oh no, not a another boy" when my younger brother was born. The midwife slapped her face.

She has a picture of me as a toddler in a filly dress and knickers. I think when we were very young we all were dressed like that. Not that odd in the 60's.

I wonder if her need transferred to me in the womb? I also wonder about coming out to her, she's 83 now.

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Leeanna

It makes me think,

maybe I can try and write a story in a similar way, I've had a couple other people tell me I should try and do that, put a good ending on what happened in my own life and it may help me heal.

Go for it girl! I don't hate

leeanna19's picture

Go for it girl! I don't hate being a guy most of the time. I do love when I can be a girl, not often enough though.

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Leeanna

Something we can all relate to.

A great empathy story. So many of us have experienced similar situations.

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Thanks Torrey, I thought I'd

leeanna19's picture

Thanks Torrey, I thought I'd stay out of your universe for a while.

I posted this story on a contact site I have a profile on, called tvchix. They deleted it.

The subject matter is the sort of stuff you would see on a daytime television talk show. I have given up and deleted all of my stories from the site now.

I suspect it was due to me being willing to cut bits off to be a girl. How common it that with many of us. The site is a CD/TV Trans contact site!
In a bitch fit I deleted all my stories off of there. One of them, A Housewife Forever, was the 3rd most popular on there for August. I calmed down after that.

How very, very, dare they!! LOL

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Leeanna

No matter

sugar_britches63's picture

No matter if it is all true or just part or none of it is true, this is a great start to a story and if you wrote more I would read it to the end.

opinor ergo sum

Charlotte Van Goethem

Thanks, I may add my 8 year

leeanna19's picture

Thanks, I may add my fantasy of a day out when I was an 8 year old. I planned things out even then. I knew I couldn't leave home dressed as a girl,in case the neighbors saw me. I think many of us closet folk become artful deceivers out of necessity.

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Leeanna