At Seventeen

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At seventeen, a transgender girl thinks back on her life. Set to the lyrics of At seventeen by Janis Ian

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired

I had wanted to be a girl since I was five years old. I told my parents and was blamed for an endless stream of rows between them.

My father left us when I was ten. My mother blamed me. I couldn’t help what I was. After endless rounds of doctors and psychiatrists they finally let me take puberty blockers on the NHS.

I was thirteen and I had already started male puberty. My shoulders had developed and my voice had dropped. If only they had let me start sooner.

I started presenting as a girl, but we were shunned by our neighbours, and I lost the few friends I had.

“I’m not letting you have anything to do with that sick tranny.” My best friend’s mother told him.

Our house was egged and stones were thrown at our windows. My mother was put on antidepressants. She cried a lot.

The police told us it was best if we asked the council to move us. After a few more weeks of abuse at school and on the streets, we moved twenty miles away.

The new school meant a new start for me. I dreamed of new friends and perhaps even a boyfriend.

The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say "Come dance with me”

I was never invited to anyone’s house after school. The boys avoided the square jawed gangly girl. I was nicknamed “gorilla girl” by some bright spark.

I was on hormones since sixteen. I had hoped they would make me fill out. I was desperate have breast like the other girls.

I started to get phone calls to my mobile. Someone suspected what I was.
“You’re a freak. We don’t like sicko’s around here. Leave or there will be trouble.”

I couldn’t tell my mother. She was barley functioning now.

And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen

A brown eyed girl in hand-me-downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said, "Pity, please, the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve"

And the rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly

It was torture for me seeing all the girls in my class chatting to boys, making dates and having fun. I had dreamed of that since I was ten. It had all seemed so easy in my head. Become a girl and I would live a life of love, fun and friendship.

Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality
And dubious integrity

Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen

My mother told me not to do it, but she loved me too much to stop me. Perhaps I would have been better off staying as a boy?

My mother was afraid I would be lonely. That I would never find anyone to love. We had each other, but we barely spoke. We were both so alone, so alone together.


To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came

I threw myself into sport, I was one of the best in my class. The school wouldn’t let me represent them in case of scandal. They didn’t want allegations of cheating.

And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
When dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

Now I sit here in my room contemplating the full bottle of aspirin. Thinking about what I thought my life could be, and what it is. At Seventeen .

We all play the game, and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown

They call and say, "Come dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen

Janis Ian
At Seventeen lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

That was long ago and far away. Now at thirty-five I'm a happy woman with a good job and friends. I think back to seventeen and realize life is tough. Nothing comes free. Some of us have to work hard for our dreams

Inspired by a comment on a story by joannebarbarella.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMUz2TNMvL0

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Comments

I added a bit to the ending.

leeanna19's picture

I added a bit to the ending. It was just a bit too depressing( or realistic) before.

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Leeanna

How many

How many teenagers do not survive this difficult period in their lives. Not just transgender ones. So many of my children friends have had breakdowns during the Covid lockdowns here in Italy... sad...

Yes maxkm, the song is about

leeanna19's picture

Yes maxkm, the song is about the pain of teenage years. It happens to boys as well. I just thought it must be really tough for trans girls who didn't instantly turn into beautiful specimens of womanhood.

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Leeanna

I often wonder

Dee Sylvan's picture

if it would have been better for me to come out as trans than to stay in the CD closet? I had an older sister whom I was able to borrow clothes from without getting caught all the way though hight school. But a lifetime of hiding in private definitely has its regrets and consequences. I've loved this song since it came out but I always thought it was Joni Mitchell singing. You learn something new everyday. This was an excellent story Leanna! Thanks for posting. Dee

DeeDee

Should Be An Anthem

joannebarbarella's picture

It sings not only to 17-year-old girls, but also to a lot of boys the same age, and particularly to TG male-to-female kids, who are stuck with male characteristics that they desperately want to be rid of.

I think nearly all kids of that age suffer from deficiencies in self-image, even the good-looking ones. Society is relentless and merciless in setting standards which are unattainable for most. It's no wonder that teenage suicide is an ongoing epidemic.

Thank you for the story, Leanna, and the links to the actual song by Janis. It's been around for over 45 years now! There are more renditions available on YouTube too.

Also thanks for the reference to my earlier comment (on a different story).

Thank you for the idea.

leeanna19's picture

Thank you for the idea. Suicide rates are worse for men. In the UK the male suicide rate for was 15.3 per 100,000 compared to the female suicide rate of 4.9 per 100,000

Males aged 45-49 continue to have the highest suicide rate (23.8 per 100,000) probably arounf the time many get divorced?

40% of transgender adults have attempted suicide.
50% of trans males reported a suicide attempt in the past year.
42% of nonbinary teens reported some type of self-harm in the previous year.
Less than 10% of cisgender males and 17% of cisgender females (those whose gender identity matches the gender that is most often correlated with their biological sex) reported suicidal behaviors.

Rejection and bullying have both been implicated in the increased suicide rates among the LGBTQ community. Research has shown that young people who are rejected by their families due to their identity or sexual orientation are 8.4 times more likely to attempt suicide than those who have more family support and acceptance

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Leeanna

Sad stats

These are very sad stats, nobody speaks about. If nobody speaks about those statistics nobody will try to solve such a terrible situation. But first one has to understand the causes that lead to this result. Hatred and discrimination lead to high suicide rates for trans kids, obviously. But I think that such a high disproportion between men and women can not be explained by m to f transgendered persons. So much has still to be done towards acceptance and tolerance.

I couldn't find the actual

leeanna19's picture

I couldn't find the actual deaths by suicide of trans. Women are nearly 3 times more likely to attemp suicide than men. Yet men commit suicide 3 time more than women?

It’s the same in many other countries. Compared to women, men are three times more likely to die by suicide in Australia, 3.5 times more likely in the US and more than four times more likely in Russia and Argentina. WHO’s data show that nearly 40% of countries have more than 15 suicide deaths per 100,000 men; only 1.5% show a rate that high for women.

I think men tend to use more violent methods. Women often resort to pills.

It often starts in childhood. “We tell boys that 'boys don't cry',” I think this is one of the worst aspects of "Toxic Masculinity"

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Leeanna