Living Next Door to Alex
By Julie D Cole

I vividly recall that grey autumn morning. How could I ever forget it? I’d decided to stay in bed daydreaming and thinking of what I could do to change my mundane life. The house was empty since mum and dad were away for the weekend so I could stay in bed all day if I felt like it.

Suddenly I jumped. I was disturbed by a message on my mobile phone so naturally I picked it up to see who might be interrupting my Saturday lie in. It was Sally my long-time friend from our schooldays who kept a frequent contact with me and was always trying to coax me to socialise together. What excuse could I give her today since she knew I was at home alone.

I pressed the call button on my phone having decided to say I had a hangover and she answered immediately. She must have been holding her phone in her hand because she answered before I heard the ring tone and she spoke excitedly before I had chance to say anything.
‘I suppose you’ve heard…. About Alex.’
‘What about Alex? Has something happened to him? He was OK yesterday and I saw him several times.’ Alam bell were ringing incase he’d had an accident. ‘ He went out around 7pm and I saw him being dropped off in a taxi around 11pm.’
‘He’s not said anything to you?’
I jumped out of bed and I rushed to my window and looked outside. I could see the front of his house and their driveway since we lived next door to each other. My bedroom was across from his and we used to wave to each other every day. I had a full view of their front garden and the rest of the properties that were along the winding road down the hill towards the City. I could hardly believe my eyes as a big limousine pulled into their drive.
‘Jules he is leaving. Believe me.’
‘He can’t be. Why? Who told you?’ Could it possibly be true? I don’t know why he’s leaving. Or where he’s gonna go.

Sally spoke again before I got my speech back. ‘He’s met someone I think, or maybe he’s finally been discovered and is leaving to become a rock star. Or maybe he has just had enough and has fallen out with his parents because of your relationship.’
‘But we are best mates and it wasn’t like we ever did anything wrong.’

‘Well people make judgements right or wrong.’
‘ OK we were more than best mates I suppose. But I’ve always encouraged him to focus on his music. He is so talented and I have watched him develop his singing voice and write songs. Around here is very popular and he has a big following as you know. I know that envied all the girls who swooned after him and I suppose I swooned a bit too.’

‘Well you don’t need to tell me. I watched how you reacted whenever he was around. You were like a teenage girl.’

‘I wasn’t. I was just so proud of him. He can play any instrument and he has the looks of Brad Pitt. I was so proud to be his friend but envious too. Life can be unfair. I am nothing to look at and I can’t sing a note. My voice is still high pitched.’
‘ Who knows what’s really happened. Don’t you think he could have fallen in love with someone and decided not to tell you in case you are hurt?’
‘Maybe he’s got his reasons, but I just don’t want to know’
‘Surely you do since you’ve been close friends for a long time.’
‘True, cause I’ve been living next door to Alex for 24 years.’
‘Who’s counting then?’
‘It’s just that we were both 2 years old when our families moved here and we played together ever since.’
‘So long as that? and I thought I was your oldest friend but clearly not so.’
‘..24 years just waiting for a chance to tell him how I feel and not even a second glance.’
I was sure it wasn’t a girl in his life. Maybe the limo belonged to some big shot friend of the family but I couldn’t recall seeing it before. We were ordinary citizens living in a suburban part of the city not the high class end. It was being driven by a chauffeur in a black uniform and it looked like he was wearing a peaked cap. He stood to attention at the side of the limo and opened the rear door.
But it sure looked like this was no casual day out. He must be leaving. I guess it’s true. Now I guess I’ve got to get used to living next door to Alex.’
I watched and waited as his parents came to the door with a large suitcase. The chauffeur took it from them and loaded it into the trunk. [boot]. This was no vacation trip or visit to a family friend or relation. Alex had carried his precious guitar. He took it everywhere. I wished it was a car for her parents and they were leaving for a vacation. Then Alex and I could have spent time together again without his father going crazy.
They used to like me but in recent years I knew they’d come to hate me and said I was a bad influence on Alex. If they had been going away somewhere that would have meant that I could have gone to see him. I promised myself that next time we were alone and I would explain things and tell him how I felt and about how I was prepared to live my life if it meant we could be together. I wanted to be with him every hour of every day. But what did Sally mean?
‘Sally are you there?’
‘Yes I am what’s happened?’
‘Nothing but a big limousine has just arrived to Alex’s house.’
‘Don’t let it upset you. It’s to be expected.’
Then I was distracted as Alex’s parents stepped into the driveway. I suspected they were just waving him off. But he seemed a little upset. Where could he be going? It can’t be that he’s leaving home or I’d have been told.
His father went back indoors and reappeared with another large suitcase. The chauffeur took it from him and placed it alongside the other in the boot of the limo.
Suddenly Alex got out and stood legs astride and he was clearly very angry. He seemed to be arguing with his father and he shouted at him. His father looked up at my window so I stepped back out of sight. Then he grabbed Alex by the shoulders to try to calm him down and then his mother stepped in and she pulled Alex close to hug him. Alex pushed her away. What could have happened? Was he leaving home or going on a vacation. Why the limousine?
Then Sally spoke. ‘Wave goodbye Jules. He is leaving for good because he’s got a contract to make records and he’ll be on tour now for years. He’ll be too famous to acknowledge us from now on.’
‘But he wouldn’t just leave and at the very least he’d call me. Perhaps it is just an interview or a short trip. Something to do with his job. Maybe he was going somewhere for a few days with his record producer boss. She was always chasing after him and inviting him to dinner to talk business and I couldn’t compete. He must be going somewhere for a long time since they were definitely large suitcases and they were not overnight bags.
Then the chauffeur closed the trunk and passenger door once Alex was comfortable inside again. I had no idea where they were going, but did I really want to know? I could only hope that he wasn’t leaving home for good and that he’d call me. Why hadn’t he told me?

OMG where on earth is he gonna’go. After our disagreement last week I guess there was a reason but I just can’t bare to know. Is he leaving home for good but then what about me? I’m his best friend and I’ve been living next door to him most of our lives. He can’t just up and go. Had I upset him enough for him to leave home?

I’d been waiting for a chance to be myself and to tell him how I really feel and now he’s leaving without a second glance. I know he was taken aback whenever I’ve given him a glimpse of the real me and I never expected him laugh out loud or poke fun. I knew that I’d taken a risk because I knew I wasn’t exactly the type of girlfriend he wanted in his life but I thought we knew each other so well that he’d understand. We’d had some wonderful times together. He should have had suspicions since I’m hardly very masculine and I’d tried to please him. I’d never been as big or as strong as him all through our formative years. I thought that at times he had treated me like a girlfriend and liked it.

We told each other everything. He told me that he’d always dreamed of meeting a girl who was like me, someone to take in his arms and carry away. What was I supposed to think? Now he was being taken away by a chauffeur in a limo.

Maybe that was it. His new boss was rich and famous and she’d sent her car for him and she’d be his lover. Maybe he was going to move in with her or even fly away to some desert island where they could lie in the sun and make love every day. I wanted to scream but I knew that Sally was at the other end of the phone. I was dumbstruck.

Thinking back I guess I had over-reacted one day when Alex burst into a fit of laughter when he saw me dressed in a skirt and top just as he did when he first saw me naked about 10 years ago. That day he saw my small breasts for the first time and my tiny appendage and he just laughed and said I looked more like a girl than a boy. When he laughed at me in a skirt I burst into tears and ran away and hid. I didn’t see him for 2 days and it was awkward when he finally called me. He apologised for laughing at me.

Ever since that day he behaved differently towards me. He referred to me as Jules not Julian and from then on I felt like a girl even though I wore boy clothes. When we were alone together or chatting on the phone he sometimes called me Julie if I got too emotional about something. We talked frequently every day but not always in detail. I needed to explain my feelings and tell him that my breasts had appeared when I was going through puberty and my penis would develop in time. I was considering treatment. I couldn’t pluck up the courage to discuss it.
Unfortunately, 10 years later not much had changed. I was still much smaller and slender than my male peers with small breasts that I had to tape. Mum didn’t seem to be bothered and dad was too busy at work. Mum in fact liked me to spend time shopping or doing things around the house and I suppose she treated me like the daughter she always wanted so it didn’t help.
I knew from that day that Alex had seen me naked that he could never treat me as one of the boys. If I was bullied he always stepped in to protect me. Because I couldn’t join in with sports or masculine games I made friends with Sally and some of her friends and it seemed natural. She clearly liked me but she never looked at me in the same way as her friends looked at other boys. They’d ask my opinion rather than Sally’s on any that they wanted to date andI tried hard not to be jealous or make negative comments. They teased me that I only had eyes for Alex that would make Sally jealous.

By the age of 16 my breasts were getting more prominent and they were difficult to hide so Sally showed me how to bind them and after that I ensured that I wore loose tops and baggy sweaters. Even my waist and butt seemed more feminine than masculine and lots of the girls made nice comments asking if I had adopted any special diet or exercise routine that they could try. I was smooth skinned and basically hairless. By 18 I had some thicker pubic hair at long last but still nothing on my face, arms, legs and chest. The only place it grew at a pace was on my head and I let it grow and wore it in a pony-tail most of the time to keep it tidy.

I never told Alex about my problems but I could tell that his parents were suspicious and they discouraged us to be alone together. Nothing ever happened although sometimes I would lose concentration and stare at him as he played the guitar or the piano and I could tell that he had potential to become a professional. I accompanied him to several gigs when he teamed up with a band and I took care not to show my true feelings. It was very difficult watching girls throwing themselves at him but I think he took great care not to go too far.

I really wanted to seek medical advice but in the end I just visited several on-line sites. I had followed the recommendations and took care to lose weight but my shape never changed. I still had a narrow waist and feminine thighs and butt cheeks. I tried joining yoga classes with Sally but that seemed to add to the confusion about my gender since the classes were totally female. It didn’t cause a problem in class though and I was just treated as one of the girls. In the social areas I began to attract attention from a few male members who visited the fitness centre. I had to avoid the changing rooms and showered and changed at home. I daren’t risk changing in either the male or female changing rooms.

In the yoga classes our latest instructor had assumed I was female and referred to me as Julie so most of the class thought I was a teenage girl and it made Alex laugh when Sally told him. I think she was trying to spoil our close friendship. As for other girls in the class I wasn’t harming anybody so I had no need to correct them.

But even though my relationship changed with Alex as a consequence of his success I was always full of admiration and so proud of him. I convinced myself that I wasn’t in love with him but I don’t know how. Some nights I could hardly sleep. I never imagined that we could be together one day and he would always change the subject if I said I wanted to talk seriously He’d tell me I was his best friend forever. So I just had been happy to live next door and to see him every day even if it was a glimpse from my window.
If he was indeed leaving home I knew that I could never get used to not living next door to Alex.
Time seemed to be standing still as I continued to stare out of the window watching the limo turning around in the driveway. Then after what seemed an age Sally broke my thoughts and she spoke again to try to get my attention.
‘Jules are you there? Are you crying? I hope that you are OK.
‘Sorry Sally. I was so shocked to see Alex getting into a limousine. He has two large suitcases. I think he is leaving but I must have really upset him. He never called or messaged me. Why?’
‘That’s the reason I called since I didn’t think you’d know what’s happened. I heard that he has agreed to go stay with Rachel Roberts at her holiday place to write some songs and record them. They fly out on her private jet tonight.’

‘But she’s a star and she’s at least 40 if she’s a day. What is he doing? Who told you this? I don’t believe it. He is better than that and he wouldn’t sleep with her. He wouldn’t just up and leave without a word. He wouldn’t. I love him.’

‘Jules you love him. What about me? You know that a relationship with Alex can never work. It can’t happen. His father wouldn’t allow it for one thing. You’re the same sex. You can’t provide the grandchildren his parents want.’

‘Sally I know Alex has argued with his parents lots of times because he won’t get involved in the business. He is just not interested even though his father insists. He is more artistic just like his mother and music is his passion. Maybe that’s why he’s left.’

‘But his father needs a successor and he expected Alex to work for him.’
‘That’s crap because Alex is nothing like him. He has his own skills and he’s never wanted to go into the family business. Moreso he told me he didn’t want any of his children to get involved either.’

‘So that tells you that you were never in his plans then doesn’t it if he wants children?’

‘I never said our relationship was any more than friendship.’

‘You said a few times that you love him. Especially when you’d been drinking.’

‘Well guys can love each other can’t they? Anyway we are just best friends not lovers. I don’t know how many times I need to tell you that.’

‘Weird that because you have to admit that he treats you more like a girl these days dating you. You have lots of feminine mannerisms or didn’t you notice. Just have a talk with your mum and she’ll tell you that you talk and behave like a girl most of the time. Has he never tried it on?

‘No he hasn’t. We are friends.’

‘Not even a kiss or a peck on the cheek.’

‘Sally that’s not nice. Of course not.’

‘But you’ve kissed me and you liked it. Did you imagine you were kissing Alex because you let me take the lead.’

‘I kissed you and I would never do that with Alex.’

‘Well forget him then. I want you and he clearly doesn’t. We can spend more time together now he’s gone. Get over it please.’
‘But I’m worried about him now. Rachel is way past her sell by date and he doesn’t need her money and support to be successful. He is so talented he will leave her standing. He’s not thinking straight. Why didn’t he ask my advice? We’ve known each other for 24 years. I know him better than anybody.’

‘Maybe he knew that you that you would try to convince him to stay and he’d miss his chance. He needs to be free to fly.’

‘He is free to fly. I haven’t held him back I’ve just encouraged and supported him with his music. That’s why his dad hates me.’

‘If that’s true then then it might be a good thing that he makes the break and he must fancy Rachel a little bit. She is still very beautiful and she can choose any man she fancies. Alex won’t be there for long. He’ll have the pick of the girls who will follow him. You’ll be able to keep track of his exploits on Facebook.’

‘But Sally I’ve been waiting for a chance to tell him how I really feel and now I’ll never get the chance.’

‘You’re not the first person to have regrets but you didn’t do anything so in my opinion it is meant to be. He is not interested otherwise he wouldn’t have just upped and left. Now why not just let me take care of you? I can be at your house in less than an hour if you want to hang out together today.’
‘How do you know all this Sally? Who told you? Is is true or just somebody making wild guesses?’

‘It’s true. One of the girls saw a post by Rachel Roberts on her Facebook page. She was announcing a new talent that she’d discovered. She showed his picture but she didn’t name him. She said that she was taking him to her private studios for coaching and an announcement would be made in the press and on social media in the near future. I logged on to look at the picture but before I had chance to take a look the picture had been removed. The rest of the announcement is still there. I suppose she wasn’t ready to let people guess who it was but we all know him. My guess is that she wants privacy to share intimate moments with him. She must really have the hots for him.’

‘I still don’t believe it. He wouldn’t do that to me. I’m still his best friend and he would have told me about her and asked my opinion. I’ve never even heard of her, who is she?’
‘Look Jules Alex might be your best friend but perhaps you are too close and he was scared you might try to persuade him to stay home and not take a risk. Look her up if you don’t believe me. She is a music producer and an agent. Quite rich since she divorced her big shot husband after he got caught with a young dancing girl trying to sleep her way to the top.’
‘But he can’t just drop everything and leave home without at least making plans. He doesn’t make rash decisions. He thinks things through and takes advice. She can’t know much about him. We’ve known each other all this time and I think I know him better than even his own mother.’
‘Rachel is not a fool and maybe they have already already made love together and has been giving her husband a taste of his own medicine. What man is going to turn it down if it’s on a plate? I saw her on the local news yesterday visiting an upmarket store with a crowd of photographers in tow. She had a wide smile on her face. I think she might have been showing a sparkling new ring on her finger. I think she might have had to buy it herself but watch this space.’

Sally was getting on my nerves. She seemed to be intent on nailing Alex to the cross and turning me against him. In normal circumstances I would have just ignored her but this was terrible news and tears were rolling down my cheeks. I tried to break the call to think about what I could do. No way was I going to listen to anymore tittle tattle. Alex had always been kind to me and was never one for gossip. We were like brothers as well as friends because we’d been living next door to each other since we were infants. We bonded immediately, just two kids in the park and we carved our initials on tree trunks and wooden benches. I knew that deep down I’d always secretly loved him but if this story from Sally was true then he’d really hurt me. Even more than when we were young. I cried the day he burst out laughing when we undressed together to go swimming in the pool. He made fun of my body. It took a while for me to forgive him.

As we grew up we laughed about it and after a while he did seem to treat me like a younger sister than a friend or a brother. He watched out for me and would pay for treats. He encouraged me to change my style and grow my hair out. So much so that sometimes I was referred to as Miss in a coffee shop or café that caused me to blush but he just said it was fashionable to look feminine and it was impossible for him. I really enjoyed being spoiled and my feelings got stronger. It got so bad one day that I wanted to kiss him passionately and to hold him but he never gave me chance.
Tears were still streaming down my cheeks. I’d watched him walk to the limousine with his shoulders back and his head held high. Not even a glance up to my window. Surely he’d know I’d be watching.

I’d tried to catch his eye by waving as he settled into the large leather seats but the chauffeur just closed the door and the darkened windows meant I could no longer see him and moments later he was gone. The big limousine pulled out of the driveway and into the road and soon it was a speck of dust.
Oh Alex I don’t know why your leaving or where you’re gonna’go. I guess you’ve got your reasons but please just let me know. For 24 years I’ve been living next door to you Alex. Don’t I mean anything?

I stood there speechless just staring out of the window Sally must have got fed up and rung off so I pressed the call ended button. It just seemed like seconds before she called back.
She said ‘ I know that Alex has gone but I’m still here. You know that I’ve been patient. I’ve been waiting for over 20 years you know but I never got a second glance. I know how to help you get over Alice.’

‘But Sally you don’t like boys you prefer girls and you’ve had girlfriends. You’re a lesbian. You told me several times.’

‘Well Jules for nearly 3 years since I came out I’ve been waiting for my chance to tell you that I like you because you are more girl than boy so why not accept it? I will help you to be the girl that I have always known you are. Can’t you see that is another reason why Alex has left. He has to take extra care the more famous he becomes. Better to have a fling with Rachel than be caught in a compromising situation with you.’

Sally that can’t happen. I’d never let it happen.’

‘Jules I can take care of you. Why not meet me and give me a chance. I think we should spend all our time together. Why not move in with me and we can make each other happy.’

‘But Sally I can’t make you happy. You like girls and you have relationships. I just want a peaceful life and some of your friends really spook me.’

‘So they are just a bit over the top sometimes. It’s all innocent really and we don’t hurt anybody. They accept you as my friend don’t they? It’s because you have feminine traits and they don’t feel threatened. You’d be accepted into our circle and it’s not difficult for you to pass as a woman if that’s what you want to do. Then you’d soon adapt to a new lifestyle. You can even change your job. Come work with me.’

‘But Sally I am feeling hurt at the moment so it’s not a good time for me. I have been best friends with Alex for so long and as youngsters we did everything together. We have a very special relationship. I can’t let him down. He’ll come back one day I’m certain of it.’

‘You’re fooling yourself Jules but you know where I am and I’ll call back later when you’ve had chance to think things through a bit more.’

I dried the tears and decided to have a soak in the bath using some of mums soothing oils and fragrances. As I stepped in I looked at my image in the large mirror. I looked as much like a girl as a boy and maybe that was what scared Alex. If only I’d filled out more and cut my hair. At least his parents might not have turned against me.’

I sank into the water and closed my eyes. I just wanted to disappear somewhere forever and not get close to anybody ever again. I submerged my head under the water to soak my hair and held my breath. Maybe I should stay under the water and the pain would end.

I don’t know why he’s left me or what I’m gonna do,
I guess I should be happy not sad and feeling blue
For 24 years I’ve been living next door to Alex
Twenty four years just waiting for my chance
To tell him that I love him, he’s run away and left me, not even one small glance
I’m never gonna get used to living next door to Alex.

I had to do something and I couldn’t hold my breath any longer. I coughed and spluttered for a few minutes until I recovered my composure. Should I call Sally and invite her over or offer to meet her somewhere. At least I wouldn’t feel alone but would she ever accept being second best.

Then the doorbell rang and there was a loud banging with the knocker.
I wanted to shout ‘Bloody Amazon drivers just leave the parcel on the step.’

The knocking continued and then the bell so I jumped out of the bath and wrapped myself in a bath towel hiding as much of my body as I could. My hair was soaking so I wrapped a small towel around my head. And stepped into my slippers to hide my painted toenails. It could be the police with bad news. I daren’t not answer since this was a serious knock. The postman would just tap twice and he wouldn’t keep knocking.

As I reached the bottom of the stairs I could see an image through the glass then I heard Alex’s voice shouting my name.

I opened the door trying to hide behind it as much as possible.

‘Alex what’s wrong?’

‘Jules I’m leaving but I’m so sorry for not telling you about it. I was a coward because I know you’d be hurt. Can I come in for a moment. I won’t be long and I’ve disturbed your bath and I don’t want you to catch a chill.’

‘Alex, what’s with the limo and where are you going?’

‘Sorry Jules but it all happened so quickly and it was the offer I’ve been waiting for that came out of the blue. I’m going to record my songs and be a support artist on a tour. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime.’

‘I just heard. Sally told me all about it.’

‘Sally? How did she know? Nobody knows just my parents.’

‘Well her friend saw a post from Rachel Roberts and your photo was on it before it was removed.’

‘Shit. Look Jules nothing is final. It all depends on the next few weeks of recording.’

‘Good luck then and I hope you are both very happy.’

‘What do you mean she is just a producer and an agent.’

‘Yes but she comes with baggage and a reputation.’

‘Jules don’t be like that. You know me better than anybody. Trust me and don’t let me leave without your blessing.’

‘You’ll always have my blessing, you know that. You were always there for me. You’d better get going your limo is waiting and the neighbours will be wondering what’s going on.’
‘Jules don’t be like that. You look so cute come here a minute.’

He wrapped his arms around me and looked into my eyes. ‘Jules you really are beautiful. I really love you and I always will. I promise I’ll keep in touch and I’ll be back for sure.’

Then he leaned over and kissed me. It wasn’t a long kiss but it was what I’d always dreamed of. Then he was gone before I could catch my breath and say a word. I just waved.

So here I am still waiting. The calls soon became less frequent and finally they stopped altogether. Not long after his parents moved away. Had Sally been right? I have all his records and videos of his appearances. He’s become more of a rock performer and he makes the girls go wild. Maybe the calls stopped because he was having affairs with young girls and keeping his agent happy too. It should have been me. If only I’d had the courage to tell him that I loved him he might never have left. As it was it was him that had to say that he loved me.

My relationship with Sally never worked out. I had treatment and found a new job but I still live at home. Mum seems happy that I’m around and we are closer than ever. I told her everything and she said to be patient because neither of us could forget growing up together during the best 24 years of our lives.

He does sing one song that I think he wrote especially for me. I live in hope that maybe one day the doorbell will ring again and if it does then I’ll fling my arms around him and cling on tight to never let him go.

…………………..

Just a bit of fun based on the song by Smokie back in the day with a beautiful feminine boy as lead singer.