Friday, February 19, 2016

I have to write this down, but I am completely bewildered as to how I can make it all make sense. My life has settled down to be about as predictable as a transgendered, self-employed businesswoman and single mother can get - which sentence is downright silly once I put it down. I mean… really!

Being a school day, I was working alone while Darcy was off being a student. For all of the day nothing remarkable had happened, Dawn was co-operative, as were my clients, and I only had one more sitting to go and I could kick back and relax. I was taking it easy and sipping a bit of tea and nibbling on some cookies (we nursing mothers need lots of intake, right?) when the door to the studio opened and a woman came in.

If you were to set down a description of the stereotypical well-to-do grandmother, you couldn't do better to describe the woman who just walked in. She was maybe five foot four, amply padded with rosy cheeks and a cap of curly gray hair that had been carefully tended by an experienced beautician. She wore an aqua silk blouse that just barely hinted at her ample cleavage and a nubbly gold skirt that ended just below the knee and simple black court shoes. A single strand of pearls (they had to be real) around her neck matched the pearl earrings in her lobes and her makeup was brilliantly understated. Her posture left no doubt that this was a formidable woman, no matter how grandmotherly she might appear.

You might have noticed that, unlike most transwomen, I haven't spent much time describing my clothes or underwear. As I went over this journal I thought about adding some rapt descriptions of what I was wearing, but frankly I just don't care all that much. I dress for comfort 99% of the time and like most transwomen, I am partial to skirts and seldom wear slacks or jeans unless I'm doing something that calls for such clothing. For the other 1% of my time I'm just as thrilled as any woman to go for the all-out glamour, knock-em-dead, take-no-prisoners look.

Yeah, like that happens all that often.

Just for the record, the weather being rather mild I was wearing a medium-weight print skirt in pinks and blues, a pink button-up blouse (I am nursing) and a plain, white nursing bra. Simple stud earrings (no more danglies since Dawn learned how to grab!) and no necklace to get in the way of a hungry baby. Pink trainers on my feet with some cute socks. My hair was put up in a bun - out of the way while working or nursing. I was hopelessly out-classed and out-dressed.

Anyway, I'll do my best to reproduce the conversation:

"May I help you?"

"Ms Waldrop?"

"That's me. Ms Hartman, I assume?"

"Yes."

"Please come in and make yourself comfortable. Could I offer you any refreshments? I have tea, coffee soft drinks, water - the usual assortment."

"No, thank you. I must confess I'm a bit nervous."

"Don't be. I try to make having your portrait made as relaxing and simple as possible."

"That's just it, Ms Waldrop. I'm afraid I'm here under false pretenses."

"Really? I'm willing to find out just how that is possible."

"I… Oh, there's just no way but to say it. I'm Dawn's grandmother."

See why I'm having a hard time putting this down? I hadn't thought of Dawn's birth family in ages; I no longer saw her mother jumping to her death in my dreams nor did I hear Lillian's father's loud and profane voice disclaiming any interest in my adorable daughter while his daughter's body lay broken on the hillside.

Now it all came flooding back.

"Are you all right?" she asked. "You've gone so pale."

I suppose I had. Quite frankly, I hadn't a clue what to do. That's where Mom's rigorous training in etiquette kicked in and I kind of went on automatic pilot.

"I… I wasn't expecting anything like this, but you're very welcome."

Did I mean that? Even now I'm not sure.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Truly."

"I'm OK, I think. You were right - there really wasn't any way to sneak up on the subject, was there?"

"I couldn't think of any, Ms Waldrop, I've left my husband and taken back my maiden name, which is why you didn't recognize it. Losing my daughter has made me look at what I've done with my life and I don't like what I've seen. I failed Lillian, just as I've failed my other children. I can never make up for my past mistakes, but I want to try my best not to make any more in the future. It's too late for my daughter, but I would hope you could understand how much I would like to get to know my granddaughter.

"I do not wish to supplant you or judge you in any way, from what I have learned you have been doing a far better job as a mother than I ever did."

"Ms Hartman, family is very important to me. My family has stood with me through all the heartaches and trials in my life and been there for me unfailingly. I have no desire to separate you from your family. Please, come into the house and we can see if Dawn is awake. If she's still sleeping then you are welcome to wait until she decides to join us."

"You're very generous, Ms Waldrop. Thank you."

"Hope, please. If we're going to be family then I'm Hope."

"And I'm Mary. Thank you, my dear. I was so afraid you wouldn't be willing to let me see Dawn."

"You're her grandmother. I lost my grandparents far too soon, I am not going to deprive you of her as long as we can get along."

"Hope, I really hope we can become friends. I suspect you know a thing or two about starting life over again."

"That I do. It was scary and I dithered for the longest time. It was Dawn that made me realize that I had to make a decision. She is the decision and I haven't regretted it."

"I'm afraid I dithered for years, myself. I was too comfortable with the house and money and charities and all the things that don't really matter. I neglected my children, I ignored my husband when he was a boor. I was afraid to leave when I no longer felt comfortable there. I finally started to see a psychiatrist and when Murray found out he was livid."

"I'm so sorry to hear that. My shrink has been an invaluable friend who makes me look at the things I don't want to look at, but she knows how to do it in a way that's supportive and helps me be a better person."

"I'm not that far along yet, but I think I'm seeing things much more clearly now. I was lonely when I left Murray, but I soon realized I was lonely with Murray. We only occupied the same space, even when he was home. For Murray, the business is his life. Command and control, as the saying goes. I felt like a pawn on the chessboard, but I didn't know how to get out of the game. I didn't even know what game we were playing! I suppose it's an old story."

"A good friend of mine is a social worker. Naturally he can't give anyone details, but he says enough to know you have plenty of company. I'm certainly not in a position to judge anyone else after all the mistakes I've made. I just hope you and your counsellor can find a way to make life enjoyable again. Shhh… I think she's still sleeping."

She was. No matter how badly Mary thought she had screwed up raising her children, she knew enough to let sleeping babies lie. I studied her as she studied Dawn. There's a look that comes when watching a sleeping infant, something that bores deep into a parent's soul. That look was on Mary's face. No matter what had happened in the past, I was sure we could get along well enough to give Dawn another grandmother to cherish.

So we sat at the kitchen table and tried to make conversation. Naturally I gushed about all the endearing things little Dawn had done, and she eagerly listened, trying to know her granddaughter vicariously. I brought out the laptop and showed her some of the many pictures we had taken. We were just starting to get comfortable with each other when Darcy blew in - full of energy and life as only a young girl can be.

So I performed the introductions and Darcy surprised me by hugging Mary and telling her how sorry she was for the loss of her daughter. I should have known that girl would know just what to do in the situation. Right on time the sounds of fussing arrived from the monitor in Dawn's bedroom, so Darcy bustled back and in a few minutes came forth with a freshly changed child, which she handed to Mary without hesitation.

In Dawn's short life she had met innumerable people while I worked in the studio, there never was a baby so happy to smile for a stranger and show just how darn cute she was. Naturally it didn't last too long, the kid was hungry. Mary passed her off and I unbuttoned myself and let Dawn have at it. The look on Mary's face was priceless. With all the publicity from the crazies when I got Dawn, she had to know I was not a natural women.

"You're breastfeeding!" she said in wonder.

"It took some doing and the intervention of modern medical science, but I wanted the best for Dawn. I may not be able to carry a child, but I can nurse her and be the best mother I can be."

"Hope, I'm afraid you've punched more holes in my prejudices than a Swiss cheese. You don't know how hard it was for me to come here today, but I was wrong in just about every assumption I made. You're a remarkable woman and I hope we can be friends."

"I think we're off to a good start. What say that when this greedy little piggy is done with me you try to shovel some cereal into her gaping maw."

"That would be lovely. It's been a long time since I fed a baby."

"No time like the present to see if the old habits come back," chirped Darcy. "I just hope when it's my turn to be a mommy I get one as sweet as Dawn. I have a colicky cousin who takes a lot of patience. I'm not sure if I could ever work up that much patience!"

"You'd be surprised, young woman. My oldest was a trial, but… Now, let's not get talking about the bad side of babies."

"Good idea. Will you stay for dinner with us, Mary?"

"I'd be delighted!"
 

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Dawn is six months old today. Half birthdays deserve a celebration, even if monthly birthdays are no longer required. We just gave her the cupcake and let her make a glorious mess of it. Some of it managed to make it into her mouth, but most of it was smeared across her face and into her hair (what there is of it) and her highchair. Talk about your happy baby noises, she was ecstatic.

She still fits in the kitchen sink, and Mary (of course we invited her back!) volunteered to hose her off after her treat. Darcy played 'trot, trot to Boston' with her for a while. Dawn laughs maniacally when she gets to the 'we all fall in!' part and Darcy dips her down.

Lately she's taken to sitting on the floor and bouncing on her crossed legs. It's awfully cute and she seems to get a kick out of it. I'm not sure how she does it, but she even manages to move around a bit as she bounces. I suppose it's a warning that she will be crawling soon, so we had better start baby-proofing the place before she goes mobile.

She even gave me a present for her birthday, sleeping through the night. I had to change the sheets because I leaked all over them, and so did she, but damn it felt good to sleep for six whole hours! She set to with a will and drained me dry when she woke up. My little girl is growing up!
 

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Obviously, Emma and I had a lot to talk about today. At the end of the session she observed that we talked more about being a mother than becoming a woman. She mischievously pointed out that there's nothing like being a mother to confirm one's identity as a woman. It's been quite a while since I worried about being inadequate in my chosen gender role.
 

Friday, February 26, 2016

Where does the time go? With Darcy full time in school my trusted assistant was awfully busy and so was I. Not only that, but Dawn was no longer small enough to ride in the baby carrier while I worked. Most of my customers either didn't mind or actively loved her, but there are always those few…

Dawn was having her evening snack while I tried to edit photos one-handed when Darcy came home. She was excited. Now that's nothing new with Darcy, but she was waving a flier around as she exclaimed "Check this out, Hope!"

I dutifully checked it out and it turned out to be a two-day conference for professional and budding photographers at the college. Conveniently, it was scheduled for the Spring Break, so we could both attend - they even had daycare available.

As soon as Dawn was satisfied, I passed her over to Darcy to burp and cuddle while I finished my computer work and sent out the proofs and even did some billing. The businesswoman's work is never done.
 

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Poker night again, this time with the full crew since it was at Darrel's house. Once again Darrel's wife and kids monopolized Dawn and Darcy, leaving me to lose big time - $4.57.

I think I need my lucky baby at the table with me - at least it distracts the other players if I start nursing her.
 

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Yesterday was Rory's birthday. I knew this because Darcy had been planning all week for it. When she was planning a dreamy-eyed adolescent took over her body, often alternating with a little kid who just couldn't keep a secret.

Of course she tried to keep her plans a secret, especially from Rory, but any sexually mature adult would have no problems guessing what she planned to give him for his birthday. You just can't keep those sort of plans a secret when you live together in the same house. I found myself somewhere between the girlfriend that wished her luck and the mother who wished she wouldn't.

Darcy wasn't home by the time I went to bed and I would be damned if I was going to stay up waiting for her like an anxious parent. Besides I had a child of my own to worry about. Said child woke up in the middle of the night and was hungry, so I sleepily nursed her while trying to stay awake enough not to fall out of the rocking chair.

By the time Dawn settled down it was obvious Darcy was anything but settled. For a short time I thought she was having a nightmare, but I soon realized that those cries were most emphatically not cries of distress. In fact, it appeared a virgin sacrifice was taking place in the next room.

Well, it didn't sound like Darcy was sacrificing much, to tell the truth. I was just starting to wonder if they were going to wake the baby in their enthusiasm when it suddenly got quiet. That lasted a few seconds and was followed by a long, heartfelt moan and a series of bass grunts.

Interesting… Of course the porn I've indulged in usually features the couple cuming together in ecstasy or some such lurid prose, but the more freewheeling discussions on poker night assure me that that is so much malarkey. A gentleman sees to it that his partner is satisfied before taking his turn, which seldom lasts as long as it does in the porn films. Perhaps Rory has some experience he put to good use? I suppose it's none of my business.

Well damn! Seems like I have a voyeuristic streak I hadn't noticed before. I was actually getting turned on and was wishing I could be the one enjoying Rory's obviously effective attentions. Dawn was a bit annoyed as I seemed to have tightened up and slowed the delivery of her midnight snack.

Deep breath, concentrate on the business at hand, Hope!

Yeah, right. It had been a long time since I had any real interest in sex, from either side of the great divide. As a teen I had the usual male urges, but since I considered myself female all that did was confuse me. Once I rid myself of those two little testosterone generators the interest faded, but it seems that my new female hormones are having some effect besides reshaping my body. Life is complicated enough right now, do I really want to start noticing men in any but the OK, it's a guy - so what sense?

I was glad I had closed the door to Dawn's room so the lovers could make it to the bathroom without being embarrassed. I finished up with Dawn and made my way back to my bedroom while the shower was still running. Sleep took a while to return, I had a few fantasies to cope with first.
 

Breakfast this morning was amusing. I guess I'm trusted enough that Rory stayed the night. I smiled at the combined satisfied and embarrassed looks that adorned the lover's faces and said nothing. It will be interesting to see how often Rory stays overnight in the future. If he does, Darcy will get a pretty good idea how he would cope as a father to a baby.

Heh-heh-heh.
 

Thursday, March 3, 2016

The day has been surreal. Well, not the day so much as the evening. Darcy and I had just put Dawn to bed and were slumped in the kitchen when the front doorbell rang. We just kind of looked at each other stupefied; visitors at nine in the evening are pretty rare, especially when we aren't expecting anyone.

I shook myself and peeped out the peephole and saw Kathy standing there. A very dishevelled Kathy, looking like a forlorn waif, not the bubbly cheerleader we had grown to love.

"Come in, Kathy. What's the matter?"

"Oh Hope I just… just…"

She couldn't get anything more out and I found my blouse getting soaked with her tears as I held her. Moments later Darcy was there and hugging us both and murmuring nonsense.

After a few minutes we got her settled in a comfortable chair with a cup of hot tea in her hands - Darcy knew just what to do even if I wasn't sure - and we waited for the tears to subside.

"I'm sorry, guys. I… I just didn't…"

"Drink your tea and let it warm you up. Take your time and when you're ready tell us all about it." I replied.

"I guess. Oh Hope, Noah just dumped me!"

"Why that dirty rotten low-life scum!"

That brought Kathy up short and Darcy started to laugh.

"That's tellin' em, Hope. Nobody gets to treat our friend Kathy like that. I say we go over to his place and drag him out naked, shave him bald, tattoo 'two-timing jerk' on his ass, paint him blue and leave him in the Target parking lot face down in a shopping cart with his ass in the air so everybody knows what a jerk he is."

Have I mentioned Darcy is the creative type? She doesn't swear much but is quite inventive in propounding an involved and ingenious curse.

That pronouncement didn't exactly stop the flow of tears, but Kathy had a hard time not laughing. I passed over another box of tissues and let her snarf as needed.

"Damn!" she managed to spit out, "I knew coming over with you guys were where I had to go. I mean my folks love me and all but… you guys understand!"

Which sent me straight off into transgender la-la-land. I think I did understand, but since I grew up as a teenage boy I was never able to participate in intimate girl talk. Yet here was one of the most popular and good-looking girls in her school coming to me to cry her heart out when her boyfriend dumped her. Not her parents, not her classmates, not her family, but the neighbor across the street who she thinks of as a woman and who she can let her hair down and cry with.

Wow!

If I ever had any doubts that I had passed through the metaphorical door marked 'women only,' in her distress Kathy had made me realize that Hope was real and here to stay.

Of course we talked for a while longer, but was a school night and Kathy needed to get home. With a lot of commiseration and no few of Darcy's chocolate chip cookies, Kathy was feeling much better as we watched her walk across the street to her home.
 

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Kathy is feeling much better - time heals, or so they say. She still isn't bouncing, but she isn't moping either. She's kind of like those older LED traffic lights - you know, the ones made of lots of individual LEDs. Most of the LEDs are lit, but a good chunk of them have gone dark. You still know that it's a green light, but it isn't quite right. Then there are those few that are flashing on-and-off. They're trying valiantly to stay lit and appear normal, but they just can't quite get there yet.

In some ways, I'm glad I never had a boyfriend, I never had to go through this kind of pain. Of course, I never got to be loved like that, either.

I wonder if it's worth it?
 

Wednesday March 9, 2016

Mary was over for supper tonight. Against all odds, I find I like spending time with her. Like Ursula, we're becoming friends despite the age difference between us. Quite frankly, I was prepared to hate her after her husband's appalling performance after his daughter's suicide.

Of course I had never even met her, so I was judging her only on the basis of her having married a boor. You'd think that I, of all people, would have more empathy after being harshly judged most of my life because of being transgendered.

I guess I'm only human.

At the same time as I appreciate her as an older woman I get the feeling that she is much like me, going through the painful discoveries needed to become her own woman. It sounds trite, but Mary was mostly 'Murray's wife' and not 'Mary'. Just as fear kept me from coming out as Hope, fear of a similar sort kept Mary as 'Murray's wife' long past the time when things should have changed.

Damn! Too many years of having my own head shrunk, here I am diagnosing my new friend. At least she has a good lawyer and some money of her own so she's not stuck in a shelter somewhere after having made the break. Darcy and Mary had quite a talk about going back to college over dinner, I think Mary is interested in brushing up her skills and going back to teaching. Once she became 'Murray's wife' she dropped her own career.

Not that the evening together was all serious talk; we gossiped and played with the baby. Unsurprisingly, talk turned to how to raise a baby. We got a good laugh at how the sage advice of professionals seems to change with every generation. Feed on a rigid schedule or when the kid is hungry. Sleep face up or face down. On and on about just everything you can imagine. My Grandmother swore by Doctor Spock, my contemporaries swear at Doctor Spock. I guess we all make our own mistakes, but I have a happy and healthy little girl so I'm satisfied.
 

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

My luck ran out today. Dawn was an absolute terror during the afternoon shoot, so bad that Darcy had to take her into the house and I carried on alone. I've gotten to depend on Darcy and I really missed her help while I was worrying about what was wrong with Dawn all the time. My clients were understanding, but it shook me. What would I have done if it was one of the days that Darcy was in class?

Life just keeps getting more complicated.
 

Thursday, March 18, 2016

Ouch! I'm beginning to question my sanity for taking on the responsibility for a child. Really, I am! She's been crabby for three days running and now I know why. I have a red mark on my nipple where her new tooth tried to puncture me!

Funny how a nebulous worry can become very real in a big hurry. So what else could I do? I called my mommy, of course. She sputtered a bit when I told her my problem, then she laughed at me, also of course. After all, when I was chewing on her nipples she had a son who she never dreamed would be needing advice on how he could breastfeed without getting bitten. Then she told me that I was a pain in the nipple when I was teething and wished me luck.

Once she stopped laughing, she did give me some helpful advice and told me to Google it. Now why didn't I think of that? I was hurting and shocked - that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Judy extolled the virtues of Ice Fish. Those are cute little water-filled plastic fish you stick in the freezer, then let the kid chew on them when they're fussy with teething. Numb the gums before nursing, and darned if it didn't help. Judy told me how Ice Fish became the go-to solution to any and all problems the kids had when they were young and she always kept some in the freezer so they were available to sooth the savage beast.

I wonder if you can make milkshakes with breast milk? I wonder if the little darling can learn to use a straw. Immediately. I don't like punctured tits, I worked to damn hard to get those puppies!
 

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Easter. I haven't celebrated Easter in years, but Darcy made me hunt for my Easter Basket after breakfast. Silly fun. Dawn got to exercise her new tooth on a piece of chocolate rabbit ear, then Darcy got to clean her up since she was the one who insisted the little darling had to celebrate with us.
 

Monday, March 28, 2016

Felt funny going back to school today, even if it was for a professional conference. Felt even funnier to spend an entire day without Dawn. That's the first time it happened since she came into my life. It was nice to be able to concentrate on something for an extended period without interruption, but every so often my head screamed 'where's the baby!' and I had to tell myself she was in the school's daycare being cared for during the conference.

Ah motherhood! I don't get out of the house much these days, working from home, as it were.

So we had the usual meet and greet to start - but with almost 100 of us involved in the conference I didn't get to meet too many people right off. There is a nice mix of professionals and students. Since my business is mostly portraits and other people-type things I opted for a session on landscape photography for the sake of diversity. Now that I think of it, my desire to take some pictures of sunrise in the mountains certainly resulted in a new direction for my life.

So we had a ball discussing lenses and settings and framing and all the technical stuff us photographers find fascinating. The hardcore landscape types seemed to appreciate that their subjects didn't move around or get stubborn. No 'watch the birdie!' crap to deal with. In some ways I can appreciate their point-of-view, but I find working with people is the most rewarding part of the job.

The facilitator was a guy named Alonzo, and I had some distracting thoughts about doing his portrait sometime. A man with lots of energy and enthusiasm, obviously in love with photography in all its aspects.

I was more than ready for the lunch break, but ate quickly because I was very ready to express some of the milk from my now over-filled breasts. We mothers are chained to our children in many ways, aren't we?

So I found a quiet room and sat down to pump away, feeling vaguely silly to be storing milk while Dawn was not all that far away snacking on milk I had stored away for her during the conference. No time to go over there and nurse, though.

I had settled into a nice rhythm and was enjoying the release of pressure when the door to the room opened and Alonzo came in to prepare for the next session. Naturally I got the 'I've been caught' reaction even though I know perfectly well that breastfeeding is normal and natural. Damn, societal conditioning can be a bitch!

Actually, he didn't even notice me at first, he was concentrating on his setup. I had calmed down enough to appreciate his double-take when he realized I was in the back of the room covered in a baby blanket.

"A mother's work is never done," I offered with a crooked smile.

"Pumping? My ex always hated having to pump, both for leaving the baby home and having to find a quiet place to do it. We both felt that breastfeeding was the way to go, though."

Ex, huh? Alright, I admit it. I had checked for a wedding ring. Nice looking guy, common interests, I dare you not to check that out!

"Absolutely. Sorry to distract you, I didn't realize anyone would be using the room during lunch."

"Think nothing of it! I just wanted to be sure the laptop and projector were working before the session. I hate having to wait while someone tries to figure out what silly thing went wrong with the equipment."

"I do too. How old is your child?"

"She's six. She's over in the daycare while we're here."

"Dawn is seven months. She's over in the daycare, too."

"Nice of the organizers to provide daycare. That's one of the hardest parts of being a single father, having to find someone to take care of Chantal when I have to be somewhere like this."

"I'm lucky my studio is in my home and I have a helper that's part business partner, part nanny, part web guru, part apprentice and part student. The girl has more energy than anyone should!"

"I'm going to have to meet this paragon sometime."

"You will in just about fifteen minutes. Darcy plans to be in your next session with me."

"Terrific! Getting to meet interesting people is as much fun as learning things at sessions like this."

"I have to agree. I do mostly portrait and commercial shooting, your landscape session was very interesting. Not that I'll have too much time to go on an extended backpacking trip to shoot mountain lakes and wild moose, but a girl can dream."

"I haven't had that much opportunity since the divorce, either. Chantal was just too young for backpacking, but we are planning to go camping for week in July. We both love getting out in the woods and hiking, even though I tend to do some extra backpacking when she runs out of energy and I have to carry her on the last part of the trail."

"I've never really gone camping, not something my family did. I'm a city girl, or rather a suburban girl, I suppose."

"You'll have to try it sometime. Take your camera and just wander and look for something beautiful, even if you aren't going to take a picture, the beauty is still there."

"Excuse me a moment, I have to change sides."

Alonzo courteously turned around to allow me to do so."

"It's safe to turn back."

"Nice to meet someone who's so comfortable with breastfeeding. There's so much silliness with some idiots who get grossed out or wound up by something so natural."

If only he knew how unnatural it was for this particular woman!

"And it's nice to meet a man who can carry on an intelligent conversation with a woman who is pumping her breasts. You're a pretty unusual guy."

"So I've been told, not always in a positive way!"

"There are some people who can't accept that others are different, aren't there?"

"And those are the people who equate different with wrong, right?"

"Pretty much."

"Hey - I've got to finish up, and so do you. People will start coming in shortly."

"Get to it, Alonzo. I don't want to sit here waiting for someone to make the computers behave!"

"Slave driver!"
 

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy" came the joyous cries of a six-year-old ball of energy as she rocketed across the floor of the daycare. Even with half a dozen people converging to collect their children, little Chantal stood out from the crowd. She had an explosion of black, tightly curled hair done up in those adorable little pokey-up ponytails, soulful brown eyes, cafe-au-lait skin, a Disney Princess t-shirt and stone-washed bluejeans. She must have had springs in her sneakers to let her jump up and fling her hands around Alonzo's neck, her enthusiasm running full-bore as she told him about her day.

"This is a neat place, Daddy. I got to play computer games and we played tag and I got to help feed the baby and we sang and…"

"Whoa there, Princess. Slow down!

"Can we come back again, Daddy?"

"Why certainly. You can come back tomorrow while Daddy is at his workshop."

"Goodie!"

"Is she always this enthusiastic?" I asked Alonzo.

"Pretty much. I'm not sure where she gets it from, her mother is the strong, stoic Sergeant type. She's in the military."

"Under the right conditions I could see you bouncing around a bit."

"I don't think I ever had that much energy."

"Children do tend to drain a parent's resources. At least you don't have to cope with four o'clock feedings any more."

"Hallelujah! Chantal, I want you to meet a new friend, her name is Ms Hope."

"Hi, Ms hope."

"Hello to you, too, Chantal. I bet you were helping to feed my little girl Dawn today."

"Yeah! She laughs a lot when you make faces at her."

"So she does. And this is Dawn's Aunt Darcy."

"Hi Aunt Darcy!"

Hi Chantal. Thank you for helping to feed Dawn today."

"Speaking of feeding," I cut in, "it's about time for me to let her have another meal."

"Can I help?" asked the enthusiastic Chantal.

"I'm afraid that Dawn is breastfeeding, so I'm the only one who can do it right now."

"Awwww…."

"I tell you what - If your Daddy isn't in a hurry maybe you could help feed her some cereal when she's done with me."

I gave Alonzo a quizzical look.

"Can I, Daddy?"

"I guess we're in no big hurry. The only thing planned was to take you out to dinner tonight."

"Funny thing, I planned to take my daughter out to dinner tonight, too. The milk dispenser is getting rather empty in her own right, right now."

"I'm familiar with the problem. Go, maybe we can get to know Aunt Darcy while you take care of Dawn."

Actually, we all found a small room and got to know each other while Dawn nursed. In about thirty seconds, Darcy and Chantal were best friends for life while Alonzo and I smiled those knowing parental smiles that seem to come with the job. Conversation was no problem, Chantal took care of it by telling us all about everything!

I'm not sure how it happened, but we all ended up going out to dinner together, just one big happy family. Alonzo was that kind of guy, easy to be with.

Not bad looking, either.

Hmmm…

Of course, I had to put up with Darcy twitting me about my boyfriend all the way home.

Boyfriend?

Seems I thought I wasn't going to be needing one of those until after my surgery. Life is complicated enough coping with being an instant mother. Do I want to be an instant girlfriend?

Instant wife?

Do born girls get this crazy when they meet a nice guy? Really! I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here. I just met the guy and talked with him for a while. Maybe I should blame the hormones.

That's it! It's all the fault of those blame hormones. Everything is perfectly normal. I'm not going to go off in the woods with Alonzo and spending a weekend boffing him in his tent.

Now just where did that thought come from? I'm a mature woman, not some hormone-ravaged teenager!

Yeah, hormones again.

I'm going to bed. Now. The kid is going to get up and demand service no matter how screwed up her mother's head is.

I just hope I can get to sleep.