(aka Bike) Part 1045 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad
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I sat in the waiting room, while my newest daughter met with Dr Cauldwell, anxiously trying to make sense of the crossword. I don’t know why I bother. The compiler was Paul, and his puzzles take me ages to do. In the end I abandoned it and read the news story half a dozen times, even the letters page couldn’t hold my interest and there was nothing but football in the sports section or Wombledon.
I sat and watched the others in the waiting room. A small child played with some toys while her mother watched lovingly. I wondered why they were there—then my question was answered, a second child came out of one of the consulting room doors and the mother went to speak with the doctor who appeared behind her child. Everyone was smiling. I felt happy for them, but sad for myself—why do I think this new found transgender thing with Billie is all wrong? What is it that doesn’t ring true?
My first worry would be that it’s taken so long to materialise—Trish was already refusing to answer to Patrick before she came to me, and Julie was also in female form before we met—albeit only for a matter of hours: but it does make a difference. Why would a child who is aware of a family tolerant of things gender different, wait six months before declaring himself?
I tried to answer it myself. If it were me, what would I think? I’m still traumatised from abuse—maybe, but aren’t there usually other signs, like withdrawal or bed-wetting or something?
Boys are naturally boisterous, Danny is—he rushes about the place like a turbo charged wild boar on steroids. Billy, as a boy is less boisterous, less noisy and until the cycling, less sporty. But that doesn’t make him transgender.
He’s never shown much interest in clothes or jewellery, unlike Trish, Julie and real girl, Livvie. He, until very recently had no interest in dolls, he did like the computer and was better at it than Danny, but he’s not academic material—unless he’s been hiding his light under the proverbial bushel. I suppose if this was distracting him—it might explain things. Oh hell, this is a circular argument—I’ll leave it to the professionals. No I can’t, they can be conned—but by a nine year old? Even a cute one should be rumbled—shouldn’t they? I wish I knew.
Finally the door opened, “Cathy, could you come in please?” Stephanie summoned me from the limbo of the waiting room.
I went in and Billie was sitting on the sofa opposite the door. She'd been crying.
I pointed to the sofa, and Stephanie nodded, so I went and sat with Billie, “You okay?” I asked and she nodded.
Stephanie seated herself opposite us, “Billie has been telling me how she was abused by her uncle.”
I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close to me. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked her quietly, and she nodded, despite the tears rolling down her cheeks. “You’re safe now, you know that—I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
“You don’t believe I’m a girl, so how you gonna b’lieve the rest?” she sobbed against me. Oh poo, now I felt guilty as well as confused—life doesn’t get any easier, does it?
“I just don’t want you to make a mistake, sweetheart.”
“I don’t have to have my dick cut off yet, do I?”
“You don’t actually have to have it cut off at all, unless you want to,” I tried to reassure him.
“Oh I want it cut off, I don’t want to be someone like my uncle.”
“What makes you think you would?” I was horrified. I looked at Stephanie and she sat there looking concerned. “What do we do now?”
“I shall be taking some advice and seeing if it might be possible to start a criminal investigation.”
“Can you do that? I thought it would be too late, now.”
“It’s never too late for serious crimes, and child abuse is pretty serious,” Stephanie offered.
“Yes I know that, but isn’t it about chances of prosecution?” I challenged.
“Ultimately, from a legal perspective, yes, but from my point of view it’s about the healing of the child and dealing with the trauma it caused and continues to cause.”
“Do children become transgendered because of previous sexual abuse?” I asked, still not entirely convinced.
“They certainly can.”
“I thought gender identity was fixed by four?”
“Not always, and we still don’t understand the mechanism.”
“In which case, I owe you an apology, pumpkin,” I hugged Billie, who sniffed and nodded. “I’m sorry that I doubted you, but if Dr Stephanie says you are gender dysphoric then I suppose you are.”
“I haven’t actually said that yet, and we don’t use that term these days.”
“I thought GID was gone, so what is it now—surely not transsexual?”
“Gender variant, gender different, transgendered,” she shrugged, “perm any four from ten.”
“You do the football pools?” I asked in disbelief, if she did it would be so incongruent.
“My dad did, trying to win enough to pay off my student loans and my debts.”
I smiled at her, “Student debts?”
“Yeah, I’m still paying them off.”
“But doctors earn a fortune.”
“Compared to banker’s wives?”
“Compared to my earnings,” I asserted myself.
“Yeah, I probably do earn more than you, but then I’m working longer hours than you.”
“Paid work, yeah, depends upon the definition of work, I think six kids generate plenty of work by itself.”
“Okay, martyred mum syndrome is it?”
“Only on bad days—what about this young lady?” I asked.
“Carry on as before—you’re doing fine.”
“Am I? Does Billie agree with that? I looked down at her and she nodded.
“What about education—I can’t send her back to her previous school, can I?”
“If I give you a letter, what about the convent—they seem to cope with Trish, so I’m sure they’d cope with someone as quiet as Billie, wouldn’t they?”
“Trish had been living in role for weeks before she went to school, Billie has only been a week.”
“I wanna go there, Mummy, they liked me when I did that lesson.”
“I’m just concerned, darling, that’s all, plus the uniform and so on for a few weeks. Can’t I keep her home for a few weeks, it’s nearly end of term anyway?”
“Okay, I’ll write a letter for you to absent her from school. I’ll recommend that she has the rest of the term off for medical reasons.”
“Is bullying a medical reason?” I asked.
“If I say so, then it is.”
“Okay—what do we do now?”
“I think you need to expand her wardrobe—I’ve seen that dress twice.”
Billie hugged me and agreed emphatically—what could I do but agree as well, I was out-voted.
“See me next week, unless, you know...” Stephanie smiled and held open the door for us.
“Is she?” I mouthed at Stephanie as we left.
“Dunno yet, quite possibly,” she mouthed back.
As we went back to the car, I began to try and work out what the chances are of a population of transgendered individuals in one household like ours were? Very remote I’ll bet.
Comments
Daily Dormouse.1045
A very thought provoking chapter, Angharad. I can see that beast of an uncle will be dealt with in time, maybe even healing Billie of her trauma.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Billie's uncle
I agree completely. Hopefully there won't be a "statue of limitations" problem. Being held accountable, and ensuring that it can't happen again are paramount.
Predatory Sex
Bike Archive
Bike Resources
Bloody Hell, This Was Hard For Me.
I have lived those questions a thousand times. What ever the causation ... who can make sense of any of it? Gosh, we humans are ... I just don't have words for it.
Very early on, my brothers were right prigs; almost a decade older; unaccepting, nasty bastards. The stepfather from hell. My step sister was the only one who acted human.
Yes, I can see it happening to the child, but I had hoped that with a loving family and some healing, that he could be who he genetically was.
Got to feel sorry for Danny...
Apart from Gramps (Tom) and weekend visits from Dad (Simon), Danny's the only boy left. Let's just hope Trish and Livvie don't regard him as "Phase 2" - although hopefully he's secure enough in his gender identity to either reject any suggestions from the terrible twosome, or subtly let them know that it wouldn't be worth their while trying to convert him.
EAFOAB Episode Summaries
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Education
“Okay, I’ll write a letter for you to absent her from school. I’ll recommend that she has the rest of the term off for medical reasons.â€
Hmmm: it looks like Cathy might have to do a bit of homeschooling. Perhaps this is also her chance to educate Billie in matters feminine, although it looks like Trish has the inside running there.
We didn't seem to get a direct answer to the question of why Billie took the pills either.
Thank you A-B: this continues to be a fascinating read, and your efforts to continue producing the series while on holiday are certainly appreciated. I just hope you don't suffer the same fate as some of the TdF riders appear to have done in Belgium.
Personal Schooling
Bike Archive
Bike Resources
Declarations.
I'm not at all surprised about Billie/y's later / delayed / anachronistic arrival at what appears to be transgenderism. Who say's sexuality is fixed at early childhood. I'm just not sure about that one. Some TV's don't 'come out' as TS's until quite late on; sometimes even as late as their fifties and sixties and often for very different reasons. What is more I have to conclude that there are degrees of transgenderism and Billie/y might not yet have determined her/his.
I'm afraid Cathy is going to have to be patient as indeed is Billie/y. I quite understand why Stephanie is being cautious, she just can't be sure.
Now, there's a surprise, a psychiatrist who isn't sure and admits it even to herself let alone another adult.
This could go on for months or even years. And the association of penis ownership with causing one to be a paedophile is extremely disturbing but frighteningly plausible. In my twenties I thought my transvestism might cause me to abuse any children I might father but it proved not to be the case. However at the time the fear was very real and very traumatic throughout my courting years with my wife.
Tread carefully Cathy.
Shoal ware shoal cry I!
I'm still loving it though.
Thanks Angharad and thanks for continuing to post whilst on holiday.
Where do you dangle your dongle up there to get good reception. Do you have to climb Scafell Pike very night.
OXOXOX.
Beverly.
"Courting Years"?
"Beverly",
I can forgive you for being old and pathetic..I can't forgive you for being stupid. Your "notion" that your transvestite interests are related to pedophilia..well that is very wrong. If you "REALLY" have those feelings you should seek help immediately!
Angharad....are you promoting that? Are you become like Angel? I know, you just write...endlessly with no point at all. Sorry..it does suit you.
Gwen,
You know the "VILE" one.
Bizarre extrapolations.
Hello visitor. (Whom-soever you are.)
I'm not sure you actually read what I wrote. Either that or you extrapolate some bizarre conclusions.
I have absolutely no 'Notions' that my transvestite interests are related to paedophilia!
I wrote, (and it's there for everybody to see and read that,) - I was AFRAID,(underline the word afraid!!!) that there MIGHT (underline the word might!!!) be a connection.
That is because in my twenties, (possibly before you were even born!) there was no internet to garnish information and transvestism was simply NOT understood. (It's still very little understood even now!)
In the same paragraph I also wrote that I realised there WAS NO CONNECTION.
I have NO Paedophile feelings, you can be thoroughly assured of that.
I am wondering by your mistaken conclusions based on a total misunderstanding of what I wrote, if you are a Psychiatrist, Psychologist or even worse, a Social Worker.
How in heaven's name did you even get to think that I might have paedophile feelings!!!?
You've completely lost me!
Beverly.
I can't believe it.
No, I am not talking about the story line, I am talking about the fact I am still reading it. In fact I never push the Good story button because I can't wait to get to the next page. Even though we have covered the same story line many times over, the writing is superb. You draw me in every time. Much of it I can relate to my own story, especially Trish's journey.
I will feel sad when I finally catch up and have to wait for the next episode.
In a nutshell, I love it. Thank you Angharad
Larissa nee Larry
Complications Galore
I can see it now.
They prosecute the Uncle. Dad sees what a total ass (words are not strong enough) he had been. He sees his son being forced into becoming a girl. Then he want Billy back.
This has lots of room for variations, but bad news for the Cameron family.
There must be a quanty discount for frocks and dresses.
Let us count the ways, er girls, Cathy, Julie, Trish, Maureen, Billie, and The dog, I think I've seen her squatting to pee, not leg lifting.
That makes 6 wow, a Ripley's record !
Cefin
Gender Confused?
Angharad,
I see Billie as more gender confused than truly transgender. It would seem logical that a male child that is sexually abused is thrust into a traditionally/stereotypically submissive female role. Being in that role, even when it is not over a prolonged duration of time, has the power to imprint some deep emotional, physical, and psycho-social responses.
My feeling is that in coming to terms with the abuse, which is just beginning to happen five years after the fact, Billy/Billie might be identifying with that feminine role. Add to that the nature of his/her environment where there are already two transsexual children that are receiving all the love and nurturing that Billy was denied. It would not be a huge leap to think that being Billie will fill that need, even if Billy would have received the same love and nurture, anyway.
It is about a child's perception.
Be kind to those who are unkind, tolerant toward those who treat you with intolerance, loving to those who withhold their love, and always smile through the pains of life.