The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1081 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

“The hospital?” I asked almost absently, to say I felt distracted would be an understatement of herculean proportions.

“Yes, the hospital, apparently Maria is asking for you.”

“What can I do? The poor man went off to his death thinking that his god had reassured him that he and his family would be okay. What can I do except mislead people?”

“Oh stop feeling sorry for yourself, you didn’t cause the accident–but you can help the surviving members of the family.”

“But he thought he saw an angel.”

“That’s in the past, Cathy, let’s focus on the present and plan for the future shall we?”

“But he was misled.”

“So bloody what? Forget it and go and help Maria and her baby, she needs you more than ever.”

“What if she doesn’t know–about the accident–I mean.”

“She does.”

“How do you know?”

“The police told her.”

“Why? That has to be the biggest act of insensitivity I can think of–what are they playing at? Trying to kill her?”

“I don’t know, but she is asking for you.”

“I’ll go in the morning.”

“You are going now–go on, get off your misery train and go and help her and her lovely baby.”

“How d’you know she’s a lovely baby?”

“All babies are lovely.”

“To their mothers.”

“Yes, to their mothers.”

“I was apparently an ugly little sod.”

“Nothing new there then–go on, d’you want me to call you a cab?”

“No, I think I can find the hospital, I seem to spend half my life there.”

“Yeah, well drive carefully–remember you have six kids not counting Simon.”

“Okay, I’m not going to alleviate my guilt by killing myself.”

“What guilt? You didn’t do anything you stupid cow, now go and see if you can help Maria.”

“If I hadn’t invited her that day, none of this would have happened.”

“Don’t talk so ridiculously.”

“Well it’s true.”

“Where’s your evidence? It’s poor logic, Cathy, and even worse science.”

“It’s cause and effect. If she hadn’t come here she wouldn’t have been taken ill, the baby would have come on time and Paul and Daisy wouldn’t have driven on that road and been killed.”

“So what about the sun?”

“The sun, are we talking big ball of fire in sky or raggy newspaper?”

“I was thinking solar powered celestial object, but it might also apply to the tabloid toilet paper.”

“Yeah, so? I see no relevance to either.”

“Well they both came out that morning, so they must be responsible too.”

“Stella, I was talking to the man shortly before he died.”

“So? How do you know the others weren’t as well?”

“That is fallacious logic.”

“So is yours–unless you directly caused his accident, you can’t be guilty of anything but self-centred, self indulgence.”

“Don’t hold back anything here, Stella, let it all out.”

“Oh I will, now get over to that hospital before it gets too late.”

I did as she told me–well, twice in my life doesn’t show any traceable patterns does it? Of course I went to ICU only to be referred to maternity and thence to Obs & Gynae. I’d probably walked about half a mile by the time I found her.

“Visiting was over hours ago,” said the nurse as I walked up to the nurse’s station.

“I was asked to come to see, Maria Drummond.”

“Who are you–some sort of counsellor?”

“More of a friend.”

She went off to speak with a colleague. “You’re that freaky woman who does strange things, aren’t you?”

“Do you mean like writing letters of complaint about impertinent nursing staff? If so, that’s me.”

The nurse went bright red and momentarily shook with anger, then controlled herself and her stupid tongue and told me she’d go and see if Maria was still awake. She was gone a few minutes and I began to wonder if I was wasting my time.

“This way,” said the snotty nurse leading me down to a private room.

“Any chance of a cuppa? I’m sure Maria would love one too.” I asked not so much as a deliberate wind up but because I felt in need of one.

She glowered at me but after shrugging went off I hoped to make one for us.

Maria was lying in bed and looked about bad as I felt. It wasn’t so much that she had an air of gloom and despondency and unfathomable sadness, so much as she seemed to personify those human emotions.

She looked up and saw me, then burst into tears, “Oh, Cathy, what am I to do?”

“I am so sorry this has happened.” I said hugging her and we both cried for several minutes.

“Why? Why has God done this to me?”

“I don’t think it works like that, Maria, it’s just one of those things–an accident.” Either that or the Demi-urge is as imperfect as the Gnostics claimed.

“But why save us, the baby and I, for the two most wonderful people to be taken instead?”

“Like I said, Maria, I don’t think it works like that.”

“Is that because you have no faith?”

“No, funnily enough but it does enable me to see it slightly more clearly as simply some bad luck, a random accident which could happen to anyone at any time.”

“But why us, and why now?”

“The answer to that is, why not?”

“How can God let such awful things happen?”

“If there is one, and have grave doubts, perhaps he’s powerless to stop it?”

“How do you mean?” Then before I could say anything useful, she stopped and said, “Oh the Jesus model–he died for our sins, he stays with us in our suffering and somehow shares it–you are such a comfort, Cathy.”

How could I tell her that wasn’t any of how I meant things? Therefore, I didn’t, I just shrugged.

“When they told me, I wanted to die–but that’s sinful, isn’t it?”

“No, that’s normal and part of the grieving process along with the shock of receiving the news.”

“I can’t believe they’re dead.”

“Neither can I,” I agreed.

“Will you help me look after baby Catherine?”

“I’ll do what I can, did you have something particular in mind?”

“I don’t know, I just don’t fancy going back to that house–all it will do is remind me of those who aren’t there–and I don’t think I could stand it.”

“You’ll have to face it sometime, Maria, or let it dominate your life.”

“I know, but not just yet. I need time to take it on board.”

“I can understand that, it’s an enormous shock. Do you have any family you could stay with?”

She began to cry and shook her head. “They died in a plane crash when I was young.”

“Your parents?” I asked and she nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“I grew up in a children’s home and so did Paul, so we were determined to give our kids a normal family life in their own home. Why did God do this to me?”

“I don’t think it has to do with any gods, just two cars and some unfortunate driving.”

“Paul was such a good driver, so it must be the other one’s fault.”

“The accident investigation will show who if anyone was at fault.”

“Have I been so wicked to have all this punishment placed upon me?”

“Maria, I know they say Catholicism is founded on guilt, but none of this is a judgement on anyone. Can you think of anyone more innocent than Daisy? Is she being punished as well?”

“I don’t know, maybe it’s done to punish me?”

“Maria, I can’t prove it, but I am sure that the system doesn’t work like that–didn’t your god say, ‘Suffer the little children to come unto me?’”

“Yes and I know both Daisy and Paul are with Jesus now.”

How can I argue with that–even though there is no evidence for any of it–I suppose if it brings her relief, I’ll agree. I nodded and sniffed back the tears.

“Cathy, can I ask you a huge favour?” she said after pausing for a short time.

“Of course you can, though I can’t promise to deliver.”

“This you can, if you want to.”

I was intrigued by her question and its enigmatic rider. “Go on,” I added.

“If anything happens to me, will you look after my baby?”

You know that feeling when you sit on something cold and wet?–well it happened to me just then. “What’s going to happen to you?” I asked aghast at her suggestion.

“Nothing if I can help it, I have to live to look after my baby–but given what’s happened today, and my past record, would you–like bring her up, even adopt her.”

“But nothing is going to happen, Maria. Surely lightning can’t strike three times can it? I mean, the odds are infinitesimal.”

“I need to know, Cathy, for my own peace of mind–please, do this for me.”

“On the basis that you don’t do anything to accelerate any process–alright.”

“You surely don’t think–that’s a mortal sin, Cathy. I’d go straight to hell and never see my lovely daughter and my beautiful husband again.”

I nodded, in the hope it might just stop her doing something unfortunate to herself or the baby.

She became very tired and despite the cup that cheers eventually being delivered by another nurse, I left her to sleep and went home my head buzzing and my stomach churning.