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Jem…Chapter 87
Copyright © 2013 Bailey Summers
All Rights Reserved.
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Jem…Chapter 87
Chapter 87
Author's Note: Picture used with permission from *lavonia on deviantart.
Chapter 87
Previously on Jem…
“It’s not funny.”
“No, it’s not…it looks like it hurts.”
“It does.”
“Kind of like cramps huh?”
“No…that’s not fair I can’t have those so you don’t get to play that card with me okay.”
………………………………...
“Fuck you Angel, you don’t ever get to tell me or anyone else that we don’t get the right to bitch and talk about stuff that’s going on with our bodies!”
“No?! Why so I get to be the odd girl out and you get to rub my face in the fact that that might be something that oh so fucking bad to you but someone like me would be fine with even fucking happy about!”
“I don’t care! You don’t have the right, my body my period my right!”
“What about my rights huh?!”
“Aaugh fucking guys…” She doesn’t yell that but hisses it at me.
………………………………........
“Where are you!?” She yell-sobbed into the phone.
“Home.”
“How’d you get home?” She still sounds upset and crying. Like hurt and stuff but still like she’s mad at me.
“I hitchhiked.”
“You what!? Angel that’s not safe!”
“Doesn’t matter right? I’m a guy I can take care of myself!” I cry into the phone and hang up on her and turn my phone off and I don’t really make it anywhere…I just hit my bed and grab a pillow and bury my face in them and cry.
And Now…..
*Rayne…………
I…I’ve never been that way before, that mad before with someone. I was just trying to be funny. To ease the tension and make her smile a little and then she just lost it on me.
And then I…
I just I put up with Summer and her bullshit…to get yelled at because of my period, of just trying to lighten things up…I wasn’t trying to be a bitch.
But getting told, almost ordered to what I can say or not say…?
My mouth’s been shut before and I could just not take it this time and what Angel had said well it just hit this wrong nerve somewhere and I just kind of bitched back.
And then it all came out of me in this completely fucked up rush.
And the fact that she was so angry with me and it just felt like she was blaming me.
It’s not my fault what happened to her happened and it’s not my fault that she can’t have kids.
I’m about halfway to the pharmacy inside Wall-mart when I realize she’s really not there with me and that we had a big fight and….
And then it starts to sink in as I’m sort of cooling off and my brain kicks the heck in.
Angel might really feel that way…
I mean I wasn’t doubting her…was I?
I mean I’ve never really met or known someone that wasn’t in the right body before and I have no idea what that feels like.
And I said….
“Oh merde…Oh t’abbernac!”
I pace around chewing on my thumb and even bite a bit down on the web between my thumb and my forefinger to keep from swearing and after a few minutes I head outside.
Angel is not in the parking lot or by the van.
Gone.
I know in my head that she stormed off angry with me but it doesn’t stop the knot that’s forming in my gut.
I get in the van and I start to drive in the direction that I seen her storming off in and I drive slowly looking for her.
My head is replaying our fight and almost in these slow motion cut scenes with her sitting over from me and she looked nauseous, and in pain and here I was making sort of fun at that and as much as I was alluding to that hurting like a period can I really don’t know just how that felt.
I don’t have the parts for that kind of insight.
And then the argument…I should’ve seen how touchy and nerved up she still was I mean we went through all those tests and she was so scared and no…no I just was a complete moron and shoved both feet in my mouth so deep I could get a job for Circe de Soleil.
I can’t find her anywhere.
I try her phone; I try her phone just about at every stop light I hit driving through town looking for her and all I get that she’s out of service. Not even voice mail…she must have turned her phone off.
Part of me is so pissed off at her and part of me is so scared too.
It didn’t take much for Angel to almost decide on going back to being Jason before and this was definitely way worse.
I mean we had a fight a big fight and I yelled at her…I yelled at her just like my dad used to yell at me. I mean I loved my dad but he wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t the daughter that he wanted. I was gothy and punk and I didn’t do what he said or wanted and I didn’t do the dress nice and be polite and be a nice girl.
He just wanted me to be something that I couldn’t be and we fought…a lot and he grounded me a lot.
Grounding doesn’t sound bad but add in him being that kind of guy that puts a lock on your bedroom door and screws your windows shut….okay yeah I did run away twice before he did that stuff but home.
Home was dad and my brothers and just about every male member of my family winning every argument just because they were guys. I’d seen my mother and sisters and aunts just be okay with taking whatever was being said and not arguing about it.
Good catholic girls, good french catholic girls do what they’re told.
And all the guys that I dated in junior high were like that. I went to one of those schools where it was a public school but the bulk of the kids were white and french there and we really didn’t mix with the other kids. Well the guys did sure and you could have non-white non french friends too sure but not good french girl was going to hook up with someone that was going to bring shame on the family.
Never applied to the guys.
Nothing ever applied to the guys.
And neither did the word no to some of the boys that I was “Allowed” to date.
I’m not saying that we were racist, we weren’t but we were there was a lot of mixed french and other families too and on the surface that looked just fine but coming from home because there was so many mixed families there was this whole thing where yeah…it was better if you dated french on french and white on white.
Getting felt up because of that little cultural crap was oh so much fun and yeah I fought them off and slapped faces and got a reputation for being difficult.
I developed a pretty strong bad taste for a lot of guys, boys, and men from that even before I found out that I was a lesbian.
Which led to more fights at home.
And my mom was no help.
So when I met Summer and I fell for this radical very English very in your face white girl that told me I was worth so much more than that I fell for her pretty hard.
And I took her bullshit and her passive aggressive stuff and even the worse that things got between us the more I just kept quiet because I’d burned all my bridges and I didn’t have any one left to turn to or love me so…
So I became my mother…
Until Angel…
So with her I became like my dad?
I pitch a mini-fit there at a stop sign thrashing the steering wheel and screaming out a stream of profanity that had some poor old guy walking his dog staring at me from across the street.
I wipe my eyes and I grit my teeth and I roll up my window and pull away.
I try her phone again as I pull into the local Tim Horton’s there hoping she might be sulking over a coffee. I don’t see her there but I go inside hoping she’ll be in the bathroom.
“Oh thank god it’s ringing.”
“Where are you!?” I yell-sobbed into the phone.
“Home.” She still sounds upset and crying. Like hurt and stuff but still like she’s mad at me.
“How’d you get home?” Please. Please don’t tell me you hitched…you’re…
“I hitchhiked.”
“You what!? Angel that’s not safe!”
“Doesn’t matter right? I’m a guy I can take care of myself!”
And that’s when she hangs up on me.
She’s a guy she can take care of herself…. I’ve never heard her that hurt and upset since the stupid shit I did running out in front of that car…well into the street and she saved my life.
And I hurt her.
I called her a fucking guy…and I didn’t mean it…I didn’t mean for something that fucked up to come out like that.
I leave without getting anything and get back in the van and I’m crying there in the parking lot because I know this was a huge fuck up.
I hurt the best thing that had come along into my life by being…I don’t know by being my dad…angel has been such the girl in our relationship so far and that sort of made me the butch one the guy…even though there shouldn’t be such a thing in a real lesbian relationship…but I haven’t had one that wasn’t messed up.
Summer and my dad…the way that he treated mom…I wasn’t much different I guess.
I’d cry longer but I just need to get home and I need to think of some way to make this right too.
I have no idea what to expect either and I’m nervous and I’m all knotted up inside as I drive home and I’m very sure that I was speeding a good bit of the way there well at least on the highway. I slow down in town since we’ve had run in with the cops and I don’t want them to have an excuse to pull me over and be assholes.
In the mood I’m in I’m not sure that I could keep my mouth shut.
Though I can feel my tongue feeling like lead as I pull into the yard and get out of the van and walk to the house.
Goddamn it I hate this feeling, when Summer and I were bad I dreaded coming in the door.
I have to use my keys to get in and I can hear music hard and fast and very heavy stuff being played as I’m opening the door.
*The Trooper* By Iron Maiden I think and it’s right in the start of that high speed guitar only I can hear it being played along with live and Brooklyn and Kim aren’t home yet.
I walk in and Angel is in the living room without a bra and in one of her old hockey shirts and these basketball shorts tied tight enough to stay on and her hair is wet and loose making it a darker color but she’s definitely boy moding it or well honestly she’s trying to. She does have the angry guy posture down though feet planted wide and the shoulders are sort of hunched with the way she’s playing.
She still looks like Angel to me just very hurt and very pissed off and playing out the hurt and the frustration that I’ve caused.
She looks up at me and I’m not sure exactly who I’m seeing there looking at me. I mean I know Angel, or I think I know her pretty well but I didn’t know Jason and as much as things with Adam are her hiding out from him after things went way too far with that psycho. Jason had that side where Jase fought back.
I’ve really never seen this side of Angel until now and I really don’t know what to say…where to start or even how to.
What I said, how I said it the way that we fought to her, to Jason all that has ever meant was pain…
I come into the living room and sit on the end of the couch and pull my legs up and watch and listen.
There’s some tears staring to fill in my eyes as she’s giving me this hurt hard stare and she plays the song out and I’m wiping the tears away as they’re coming and trying to repeat to myself in my head you’re not your father…
The song ends and she grabs a bottle of coke and she starts taking a long, long drink.
“Angel…”
She looks at me and she reaches down and she touched off something on the computer she’s been using and pauses the track that she’s been following.
“Don’t you mean Jason?”
Comments
As I may have said earlier...
...not having gone to bed since yesterday, things are sort of running together? Anyway...Jem is a gem!
Love, Andrea Lena
Thank you jersey girl:)
I'm glad that you enjoyed this and hope you got to have some sleep.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
oh hell...
she has a deep hole to work her way out of.
tough chapter.
thanks
Yep a deep, deep hole.
And things are going to get serious still.
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey Summers
Actually, she really
does mean Angel, Rayne really does mean it too.
Goddess Bless you
Love Desiree
Yes, Rayne really did mean Angel.
She's very much beside herself right now with everything that's happened today.
*Blessing returned three-fold with extra hugs*
Bailey Summers
“Don’t you mean Jason?â€
ouch. I hope Angel calms down enough to listen, and that they can make up fast .....
Fast? sometimes fast isn't real.
It's not right or real if people just snap back together like everything's just okay. Smacks of an even worse relationship if you ask me. But...they're also not a write off either.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey a proud Big Brother.
Bailey Summers
All it takes-
is a careless word at the wrong time for those who really cares about each other, to cause deep hurt. Both of their defenses were down because they do trust each other, but Angel was not only in pain, but had suffered a very embarrassing examination.
I've often said the worst thing about being any kind of gender variation is the doubt. Not being able to trust yourself or what others tell you is not good.
I'm hoping that Raven's love can overcome these same doubts she's caused in the one she loves. As for Angel, she needs time to heal and for the pain to go away. Once that happens, she'll be able to think things though better, because she is a good person. No one is at their best when they're in this sort of pain.
Been there done that, and ripped the shirt to ribbons because it got too close.
hugs
Grover
Exactly Grover just the sort of thing in my head too.
Not add in the fact that this is drama and on hormones or not Angel is PAIS so in effect...kinda. And the facts she's transgendered and a teenaged girl and Rayne's a teenaged girl so stuff is bound to happen.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Auww. Hurt
Well, that's understandable. Nice POV Bailey, it's compassionate and gives some insight into what drives, and issues Rayne has, and apparently she isn't blind to what hurts Angel and what sorrows her. Which is good.
One of the biggest problems is to convince Angel that Rayne was lashing out in frustrated anger and resentment, not so much to Angel herself, as well to male dominated convention. Getting Angel in the cross-hairs as a result of being the trigger.
Wow, now I can't wait to see how you're going to present the other part of the emotional storm. And the way to resolve it.
*Great big Hugs* :D
Jo-Anne
That's definitely something that I will be looking at Jo-Anne:)
There's some other things to go along with all of that of course and seeing how those things go will be interesting too.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Waited
Thank you for the quick chapter posting. I had to wait several hours before I could get the nerve to read it. I am truly worried about the next one. Do know, however upsetting some chapters may be, if you write them I will read them.
Thank you,
Larimus
Well I hope it was worth the wait Larimus.
And I really appreciate your reading and the comments too and just in case you're peeking back in the next one is up now.
*Big Hugs*
Enjoy.
Bailey Summers
Deeper problems
"I mean we had a fight a big fight and I yelled at her…I yelled at her just like my dad used to yell at me." It has been a given for a long time that those who were abused as a child will in turn become abusers themselves. I've never really bought that, but this is a classic example of that trope. Either way, that sort of thing rarely works out for the best. It's good that Rayne is recognizing what she did, but the road back to Angel's heart is going to be a tough one.
As I said on previous chapters, Angel has some apologies to make herself, but I believe Rayne is going to need to start first and do some groveling first, before Angel can bring herself to that point. Along the way I expect there will be a lot of crying, and hopefully these triggers will be brought to light. Each one needs, no DESERVES to know why this happened, and what brought this confrontation about. Those injuries need to be brought out into the light and the fresh air so they can heal. There are two people here who are adept at concealing their feelings from others, but nothing less than total honesty will get them through this.
What I did also noticed was that as upset as Angel was and her determination to go back to being Jason, she still filled the prescription for the patches. I think deep down she really doesn't want to be Jason, no matter what she says.
Oh, what does "t’abbernac" mean? My high school French never got much beyond the "Hello, How are you, I am fine" stage so except for the idea she is swearing I'm lost.
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
I think the "change" back to Jason
was more a "is this how you see me?" kind of statement, than a "f&*K this, im not going through with it" statement. I think Angel is trying to show her SHE IS NOT JASON, Jason is the past, a part of her, but not the REAL her, never was, and never will be. He was what he was taught to be, a boy, until he discovered WHY he was the way he was, not just the cancer but other things. if this had happened a week or two before, it might be a different story, but i doubt she is serious about reverting. at least i hope not.
Terri
Teresa L.
Terri you've definitely hit Angel's mood and head space there.
It's a very defiant "Is this how you see me?" It's a very good indication though too of how she's feeling and dealing with these things too.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
T'abbernac is slang so one it's definitely not spelled right but
it's kind of like the GD and JC swears. But you are so right that they will have to talk to each other apologize and both put on some fresh big girl panties and woman up to the situation that they're in.
Mind you hey are teens no matter how much they seem to be grown up and stuff like this has and can happen to the best of us and the best of relationships.
Great, great insights Karen.
*Huge Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Re: T'abbernac is slang
The actual correct spelling is tabernac, the literal translation is tabernacle, i.e., church or holy place, but in this context, it's swearing.
Bailey is correct that it is like use GD (God damn) and JC (Jesus Christ) as swearing. Doesn't bother me much, but then, I haven't followed any of the JudeoChristian religions for the last thirty years. I'm a pagan with interests in Norse, Greek and Celtic mythologies.
End words
Those last four words are just so full of pain and anger that... ouch.
Just ouch.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Very, very ouch stuff.
Hopefully though you'll enjoy the next chapter just as much. Not yet sunshiney but definitely interesting.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Every good story needs
Every good story needs conflict and this is a very good story, so we're being given some wonderfully interesting conflict! :-)
I loved the reveal about Rayne's past and how this has coloured her perceptions of the world but more interestingly was seeing how Rayne perceives the differences and commonality between Angel and Jase, particularly her comment about Jase having this point where he pushes back. I'm not sure if we've seen it in quite the same way in Angel (though it is there).
Great story Bailey.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
This whole thing started with the thought of...
Life's still life and stuff still happens and goes on even if there wasn't a villain like Adam in there. It's an issue revealer and an emotional dust up but we all go through them and they can start just as fast and just as stupidly.
*More Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Bear in mind...
...that only an hour or two has passed for them - Angel's evidently still stoked up and running on adrenaline. It might be prudent for Rayne to make herself scarce elsewhere in the house, and possibly send Kim / Brook a text or call to prepare them. It's possible Angel's funk might last until morning, then possibly another day or so of Angel and Rayne being awkward around each other until Angel comes to her senses and apologises (or is goaded into doing so).
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
I think the apologizing needs to start from Rayne
Myself. Yes Rayne had it bad growing up, long time dull pain, where Angel is JUST realizing her REAL self, and going through the pain and the angst of wondering if the cancer was back, and just the plain humiliation of the examination and tests. Rayne WASNT thinking, she reacted, and badly, to a not pleasant situation. it was an auto response i think, but still was more at "fault" than Angel was, at least in my opinion. Yes Angel took it in the worst way and also responded badly, but had a more recent issue on her mind to make it reasonable as a response.
Terri
Teresa L.
Both of them are at fault here and they're both not immune
to being asses either about stuff. Angel and Rayne have damage but they also have each other if they can just get to were they'll be less hurting. But Mittfh is right when he says how fresh this all is timewise in the story.
*Great Big Hugs to Both of you:)*
Bailey Summers
Ah! shit!!!
She is really hurt!!! She is not Jason, but she wants to hurt
Rayne as much she hurt her!! They need to tell each other what
is the truth!! Not sharing just fucks things up!! I think Rayne
understands how badly she hurt Angel, but she needs to tell Angel
that!! And Angel has to let Rayne know how much she was hurt!!
I am hoping for a big understanding leading to some intense loving!!
Pamela
Yes Pamela definitely they need to talk but...
they need time to both cool off and think, get some perspective on what happened to cause what happened.
Like real life.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
as usual another great
as usual another great chapter, although one thing i can't decide about reading on going stories like yours is it more fun to read them one chapter at a time trying to anticipate which way the story is going to play out, or more frustrating because thd next chapter isn't available yet. oh well guess there's no choice keep on writing i'll keep on reading. thanks
Thank You Guest Reader.
I try to keep up and sometimes getting into a story arc in a story will keep me on one title more than others but I'm trying to keep things in rotation as I'm writing save for a few very back burned things that aren't shelved but just waiting for the right time and feeling for a restart.
*More Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
wow
wow what a chapter! I do hope that they can work it out but I can relate to the pain and questions that we have in ourselves. I sure hope angel will calm down and at least listen to rayne they are both good for each other and need each other
Yes Michelle! We all can relate I think to both sides in our own
ways with these girls and keep in mind that they're still kids even though life's had then grow up in a lot of ways so fast.
*Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Really enjoyed the balancing
Really enjoyed the balancing between rayne and angel through this chapter. I do so hope they make up!
And now to cross my fingers and toes and read the next chapter.
Ouch, please make up I can't
Ouch, please make up I can't cope with them being angry with each other it's twisting my tummy in knots :(
Big teary hugs
Lizzie :(
Bailey's Angel
The Godmother :p