I saw a few people walk up to my Uncle Paul and talk to him. Some would point at me, but almost every time they would glance at me. Eventually, my uncle walked back over to us, looked at me, and said, “Tammy. Everyone here is very interested in you. And a number of them would just like to take your picture. A few would even like to have a picture taken with you. So, I told them that I'd ask.”

“Why?”, I asked.

"Why. What?"

"Why do they want to take my picture?"

"Dressed the way you are, they see that you like their idea of a native girl. They haven't seen many if any girls in fancy dress. And they've asked if they could take your picture. Maybe even pose with them. It would make their day."

I thought for a minute, then said, “Uncle Paul. Why I don’t know. But I wouldn’t mind my picture being taken out here, as long as it isn’t too intrusive. Like no flash. I think I’d like to meditate.

“And I’d be willing to have my picture taken with a few of them in the hotel lobby by the big stone or the large wall hanging after I’ve finished here.”

“Can I tell them that?”

“I guess.”

“Okay. I’ll tell them. And I'm going to add a little to it. Okay?”

“Don’t go overboard.”

“I won’t.”

I thought, ‘Why am I doing this? Why do I want to meditate? I've never meditated in my life. Why now?’

I watched as Uncle Paul walked over to the group of guests. And I heard him say, “Everyone. I've spoken to her. In Navajo, her name is Kai Nez which means tall willow tree. We’ve known that the resort is built on sacred land, and she comes here every once in a while to meditate. She wouldn’t mind pictures being taken out here, as long as they aren’t too intrusive. As in no flash. And only taken from a distance.

“And I know that this isn’t a usual whisper zone. But I’m asking you to please, while Kai is here, make it one to allow her to meditate.

“Afterwards she said she wouldn’t mind a few pictures with some of you in the hotel lobby. Please allow her to call an end to it when she’s ready.

“Also, no commercial pictures. These all have to be for your personal use.”

My three companions moved away from me. And I sat there, alone, and meditated. I don’t know how, or why, but I was meditating. There was just something about this place. Something that made me feel at peace with everything. Something that told me that this was a special place.

I could sense people taking pictures. There were no flashes, but you could hear the click of a camera every once in a while.

I sat there for about twenty minutes. Then I stood up, picked up the blanket, folded it, draped it over my arm, and walked towards the hotel entrance. My mother, aunt, and Amy were right behind me, as were a number of the people from outside. As I walked into the lobby, my Uncle Paul met me, and he asked, “Still going to do this.”

“I guess.”, I replied. “I said I would.”

“You’re doing great.”

“Thanks. But I'm still worried about my blue eyes.”

“Don’t be. If someone questions you about it, just tell them the truth.”

“The truth?”

“Yes that you had a couple of white people in your ancestry.”

“Well, almost all of them were.”

“See it’s the truth.”

“Uncle Paul!”

My uncle turned towards the people that had followed us into the hotel, and said, “Kai will be happy to pose with you in front of the wall hanging. Please make a line, and I’ll call you up. And I’ll be glad to take your picture if you don’t have anyone to take it for you. And, please, when she says she is done. She is done.”

I walked over in front of the wall hanging and waited for the first person. Why am I so popular? Why am I doing this?

I must have had my picture taken with twenty or thirty people. And wouldn’t you know it, the first woman, an older lady, noticed my blue eyes. She said, “My dear. You have blue eyes.”

Loud enough for everyone to hear me, I said, “Yes. My eyes are blue. It’s a recessive trait. My great-grandfather on my father's side was white and had blue eyes. And someone on my mother's side also had blue eyes. So yes I have blue eyes.”

“I’m sorry my dear. I didn’t mean to pry.”

“It’s all right. It happens all the time.”

I somehow lasted through all the picture taking. Including one where I held a baby. But, now I was tired. As Amy and I started to walk towards our room, Uncle Paul stopped me, and said, “Tammy.”

“No Uncle Paul.”, I said. “Tonight it’s Kai.”

“Kai. Why Kai?”

“You gave me the name. And I like it.”

“Okay. Kai. I want to thank you for tonight. You made everyone’s day.”

“That’s all right. In a way it was fun. But I wouldn’t want to do it again.”

“Honey.”, Amy said. “You were cute with everyone. And especially the baby.”

“Yeah. But I was beginning to feel like the Santa Claus in the stores at Christmas time. Taking pictures with a whole line of people. At least they weren’t sitting on my lap and telling me what they wanted.”

“Kai.”, my aunt said. “You were great. But don’t sleep with those earrings in. Replace them with your studs.”

“I will. Would you and mom mind if Amy and I don’t go with you to the hospital tomorrow morning? I'd like to sleep in and drive in later since we have grandma’s car."

“No honey.”, my mother replied. “That would be fine.”

Just before we said goodnight to everyone, I asked my uncle, “Uncle Paul. Where did the name Kai come from?”

“I don’t know.”, Uncle Paul replied. “I just had the name Kai Nez come into my head as I was standing there with you by the bonfire.”

“Kai Nez?”

“Yes. Kai Nez.”

My aunt said, “It’s a lovely name. And it means, tall willow tree.”

“Honey.”, Amy said, “Doesn’t your middle name, Bly, also mean tall?”

“Yeah.”, I replied. “It does.”

“Interesting. Tall your not.”

I glared at her and said, “Don’t go there.”

After we made it back to our room and were laying together in bed, Amy asked, “Honey. Why the meditation at the bonfire?”

“I’m not sure.”, I replied. “Something drew me to the area, and I wanted to sit there quietly.”

“The people taking your picture must have bothered you.”

“Actually no. It was like I was there by myself.”

* * * * *

Tuesday, Amy and I did sleep in, well for home we slept in, but for out here we were up with the sun. As I was going to take my shower, Amy said, “Honey. Don’t get your hair wet. There’s a shower cap in the bathroom.”

“Why? I want to start washing out the color.”, I asked.

“Don’t you want to show grandma how you look?”

“You want me to go to the hospital the way I was dressed last night?”

“Yeah. But I wouldn’t wear the Squash Blossom necklace.”

“I don’t know.”

“I think she’d love to see how you look.”

“Okay. But then Tammy comes back.”

I took my shower, and then we went to the hotel restaurant for breakfast. No, I wasn’t dressed as Kai yet. After we ate, we took a walk, then went back to our room, and I became Kai. The Biil dress, the wrap moccasins, the silver belt, and Amy helped me replace my studs with the silver feather earrings. She brushed my hair into the same style that she had yesterday, and we added the same headband. And Kai looked back at me from the mirror.

As I picked up my purse, I remembered something. I opened the purse, took a box out of it, walked up to Amy, and as I handed her the box, I said, “Honey. Here is something pretty for a beautiful girl.”

She took the box, and said, “You shouldn’t have!”

“Yes, I should have. You need pretty things too.”

She opened the box and just stared. She was staring at the hand beaded butterfly barrette. Then she looked at me with tears in her eyes, and said, “God I love you so much.”

Then she gave me a deep kiss. When we broke the kiss, I said, “Honey. I love you too.”

“I know you do. But honey, this was too expensive.”

“You loved it. I love you. So I bought it for you. Nothing is too expensive for you.”

She hugged me like there was no tomorrow.

When we broke the hug, she looked at me with her cute little smile, and said, “You know. This would look so good on Kai.”

“No! The barrette is yours.”

“Can’t I loan it to my best girlfriend?”

“No. You should wear it.”

“I will. But, I want you to wear it first.”

As we were walking towards where grandma’s car was parked, we saw some of the people that were at the bonfire last night. And we received a lot of smiles, good mornings, and thank yous.

We drove to Albuquerque and the hospital. As we walked through the hospital to grandma’s new room, we received a lot of interesting looks, and as we walked up to her room, we could hear my mother and aunt talking to grandma. And Amy whispered, “Wait out here until I call you.”

I just said, “Okay.”

Amy walked into grandma’s room and said hello to everyone. I heard grandma say, “Where’s Tammy?”

“She didn’t come today.”

“Why? Is she sick?”

“No. But I brought a new friend.”

“A new friend. Who?”

Then Amy said, “Kai. Honey. Come in and meet my grandmother.”

As I walked into the room, grandma's smile became bigger. My mother and aunt were also smiling. Grandma shook her head, and said, “Honey. You look so good in that dress and moccasins. So it’s Kai?”

“Yes.”, I replied. “Uncle Paul christened me with that name last night.”

“That’s pretty, and it fits. Your mother told me about last night. Just how do you do this?”

“Do what grandma?”

“Look so good as a girl. And, even act like one.”

“I honestly don’t know. It just comes out of me. I've been feeling my female spirit since we’ve been here. And she’s very strong right now. And when she’s here, I’m her. And, there’s something about being Kai that feels good. My female spirit likes her.”

“I can tell. I see nothing of Tommy. I'm seeing a granddaughter. A very confident granddaughter. A boy would never have walked in here looking like a sexy young lady.”

“Grandma! Sexy?”

“Sorry. But, you are. Isn’t she Ruthie?”

“Yes, mom.”, my Aunt Ruth said. “She is a very sexy girl.”

I couldn’t say anything. I’m a boy, and I’m standing here looking like, according to my grandmother, a very sexy girl. What next.

“Cat got your tongue, Kai?”, grandma asked.

“Kind of.”, I replied. “Sometimes I just don’t know about all of this. I’m a boy, and I can look like a girl. And according to you, a sexy girl. And the strange thing is, I like doing it.”

“Kai.”, my aunt said. “Seeing you last night was beyond description. Your mother has told me a lot of things about you, but seeing you for myself was unbelievable. Your interaction with the guests was just beautiful. You posed like a professional. And when you were sitting by the fire, I guess meditating, it was like you were a Navajo maiden.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You amazed me beyond belief. You are part Navajo, and it could be that your feminine spirit is Navajo. And she’s enjoying you being Kai.”

I looked at Amy. And she just smiled.

My mother and grandmother were also smiling.

“You know every time I’ve been to the bonfire. I’ve felt something. Something that I haven’t been able to figure out. And last night it was much stronger. And I know that the area of the resort is supposed to be sacred, and I'm beginning to believe that.”

“Honey.”, my aunt said. “We’ve had others tell us that. That’s why we treat the area the way we do.”

Just then my Aunt Ginny walked in, and we all greeted her. But she gave me a strange look. And grandma said, “Ginny. I want you to meet Kai.”

Aunt Ginny looked at me, and said, “Kai?”

“Yes.”

“It’s ... It’s Tammy. Isn’t it?”

Grandma grinned, and said, “Yes.”

“My God she’s beautiful.”

“She is. Isn’t she.”

“There is such a difference between the blond hair and black hair. Even with the blue eyes, you look like a Navajo girl.”

I grinned, and said, “Thanks, Aunt Ginny.”

We told Aunt Ginny all about yesterday and last night. And she said, “I’m not surprised that you could do that.

“Ruth.”, grandma said. “Did you tell her about Naainish?”

“I was going to.”, Aunt Ruth said. “But, I haven’t had a chance?”

“Who or what is a Naainish?”, I asked.

“Honey. It’s a who. Naainish Yazzie is the medicine man that I talked to.”

“Okay. What about him?”

“Well. You said that you would like to talk to him, and I spoke with Naainish, and I set something up for this afternoon.”

“Oh. That was quick?”

“Yes. I figured that we could have lunch, then you can go back to the resort. And he will meet you at the remote hogan at three.”

“Remote hogan?”

“You know where the adobe round barn is?”

“Yes. I’ve seen the signs.”

“Follow the signs, and when you come to the barn, stay to the right, and go past the barn. Follow the dirt road, and you’ll come to a narrow wooden bridge. Go across the bridge and follow the road. You will come to a small lake, and you will see the small hogan on your left across the road from the lake. And you should see his pickup truck.”

“Okay. That sounds very remote?”

“It is. On purpose. It’s a place to go and meditate without being bothered.”

“That’s good to know. We should be back at the resort in time for me to change.”

“I wouldn’t change.”

“Oh. Why?”

“I think he would enjoy seeing you.”

“I’ll think about it. Can Amy go with me?”

“That shouldn’t be a problem.”

Amy and I ate lunch with the three ladies. Then went back up to grandma’s room, and said so long to her, since we wouldn’t be back that day. Then Amy and I drove back to the resort, and it was a quiet ride, until Amy asked, “Are you going to change?”

“Right now.”, I said. “I don’t think so. But we’ll see.”

“I don’t think you should.”

“Why?”

“I like your look.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.”

We arrived back at the resort and went to our room. Amy again asked, “Going to change?”

“No. I don’t know why but I’m comfortable this way.”, I replied.

“I’m glad.”

We cleaned up a little, then just before three we started driving toward the round barn. This road wasn’t the best. It was a rutted, one-lane, dirt road. We passed the round barn and arrived at the bridge if you can call it a bridge. It looked like some telephone poles were laid side by side across this dry arroyo, then a bunch of boards were nailed in place across them. I was worried about crossing this with a car, but it looked as if it was well used. At least if it collapsed, we wouldn’t drown. We made it across the bridge and followed the road to the lake. Then we saw the small hogan, and a pickup truck parked next to it.

I parked the car next to the pickup, and Amy and I walked up to the entrance to the hogan. We heard soft chanting coming from inside. We just stood there and listened for a minute. Then the chant ended, and we heard someone say, “Come on in.”

I moved the tarp, that was covering the entrance aside and we walked in, and I asked, “Mr. Yazzie?”

“Yes.”, the man said. “But please call me Naainish. Please come and sit.”

We sat down on a woven rug that was on the dirt floor. It was dark in the hogan. The only light came from the hole in the middle of the ceiling. And the fire burning in the small fire-pit in the middle of the floor. It took a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the low light.

As my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I was finally able to see that Naainish was maybe in his fifties. He was wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and cowboy boots. He had long hair, done in braids.

Before I could say anything, he asked, “Isn’t one of you supposed to be a boy that has two spirits?”

“Yes.”, I said. “That would be me.”

“So you are Tom Young?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Please don’t be so formal.”

“Sorry. I’m Tom Young, and this is my wife, Amy. My aunt has told us that you’re also a two spirit person.”

“Yes. Like you. I am, and I’m also a medicine man. Your Aunt Ruth and I talked about you. And from what she told me about you, you are an interesting person. I’m pleased that we can speak. And I can see by how you’re dressed and look, that you can easily pass as a girl.”

“For some reason I can easily switch from a boy to a girl and back.”

“Care to tell me why you are dressed as a Navajo girl right now?”

I explained about grandma, the dress, and the jewelry. And also about last night. And then why I was wearing it right now.

“That’s interesting. And no one sees you as really being a boy when you are dressed as a girl?”

“No. No one ever has.”

“I can see why. If I hadn’t been expecting you, I would have seen two pretty girls, one Navajo, and one white. And I can sense a strong feminine spirit in both of you. That is why I saw two girls when you walked in here and not a boy and a girl. And why I accepted you as a girl.

“Care to tell me your story?”

He sat there and listened as I told him my story from the time I was twelve until now. Amy even added things from time to time. When I had finished, he asked, “When you’re Tom do you feel that your female spirit is with you?”

“Yes. She’s always with me.”

“And, you enjoy it when your female spirit, like she is today, is the stronger one?”

“Yes. This time in New Mexico is the longest that I’ve been my female side.”

“And you’ve enjoyed this time?”

“Very much.”

“Will you go back to being Tom when you’re back home.”

“Yes.”

“You’re very sure of that?”

“Yes. I feel that I need to be Tom. I need to do it for Amy, my parents, and for me.”

“Do you see a time that you won’t feel that way. And you’ll remain as your female spirit.”

“No.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’ve come close to thinking that way while we’ve been here. There’s something that I feel in the area around the resort’s fire pit that seems to make me feel good that I'm a girl. But, I know that I need to return to being Tom.”

“Interesting. Others, including myself, have felt things in the area of the resort. It’s spoken that the area is spiritually strong. And that it’s to do with the hot springs that are there. But, you say you feel it the strongest around the fire pit?”

“I’ve felt it around the hot springs, but it’s not as strong as what I’ve felt around the fire pit.

“Most people will not even notice it. But special people will.”

“Why am I like this?”

“Exactly why you, or I, are the way we are, I don’t think anyone knows. The Great Spirit doesn’t give us a choice. He picks us, and we are.

“As you know, you have both a male spirit and a female spirit, and I feel that your female spirit is the strongest.

“And your female spirit feels your Navajo blood. And she is enjoying your dressing as a Navajo girl. You may feel her wanting you to be the Navajo girl when you’re back home. But I think that she will take a back seat to your white female side. You will know who your female spirit wants you to be. Here in New Mexico she and you will be the happiest as the Navajo girl.

“Your female spirit is also the wisest of your spirits. She sees that you need time to be your male self, to be a husband to your wife, a son to your parents, and a father to your future children. She is happy when you’re happy. And you are happy to be her when she needs you to be her. And she is glad to help you when you need help.

“The week that you are spending here is making her very happy. You are in the land of your ancestors, and this makes her very happy. She is happy that your grandmother, her grandmother, is recovering. You are providing your grandmother with spiritual strength. You don’t know that you are doing it, but you are.

“Your female spirit is happy that you are dressing as a Navajo girl. She is happy that you are sharing your happiness with others. Like last night and today.

“You, as you are doing, need to embrace this gift. Enjoy it. Share it with your loved ones. Give yourself to your two spirits. If you let them, they will live in harmony within you. And I believe that you will allow them to. You are starting to understand your gift. And, one day will learn how it can help others. Like your wife will help others when she becomes a nurse.

“The Navajo have a term for a half-woman half-man person like you. It’s Nádleeh, and it means, ‘the one is changing.’ And you are changing all the time from one spirit to the other and back. You are continually going through this transformation. You need to accept it. Embrace it.”

I sat there in thought for a minute, then said, “Thank you. Talking with you has been helpful. And I’m now seeing things a little clearer.”

“I thought you would. It helps to talk with someone who has walked the trail before you. I enjoy the feminine side as you do. But, unlike you, I can look nothing like a woman. You need to continue to embrace and enjoy this.”

“I plan to. Amy enjoys the time I spend as my female spirit. And I enjoy sharing it with her.”

“That is very good for you both. To understand each other the way you do. But both of you need to remember. Some people will never understand your gift. And some of those may react in a terrible way.”

“But why are so many people accepting of me?”

“You have been lucky. Your interaction with people who know your two sides has been excellent. But it may not always be that way.

“Here, in the Navajo Nation and the areas around it, it’s because it’s part of our culture. And we know how special a Nádleeh is. Even most of the non-native people here accept us.

“Your friends at home that have grown up with you, as your spirits have also grown, see this as just a part of you. Other young people and even adults, that have learned of you, and that are open-minded, have also accepted this as a part of you. When you are the girl they see you as the girl. The same when you’re the boy.

“But, as I’ve said, be careful. Some people are not open-minded to a Nádleeh and what they are. Some can be very nasty. You are still very young, and may not be able to sense who these people are. That will come with time. But until then it’s better to be cautious.”

I sat there in thought for a minute, then thanked Naainish again for meeting with us. As we left, I closed the tarp over the opening to the hogan, and we heard Naainish start to drum and chant. We stood there for a short while and listened. It was interesting.

As we drove back towards the hotel, Amy asked, “Did you tell him that I was studying to become a nurse?”

“No.”, I said. “Did you.”

“I never said anything while we were there. Maybe Aunt Ruth told him.”

“Maybe?”