Easy As ............
by Angh..........
part:Quarter of a thousand (or lots of dozens!)

The next morning, despite his fragile condition, Simon made it to work, his father was taking no prisoners! I had planned to do some stuff on the mammal survey, tidy up the criteria for recording after some feedback from other universities.

I'd showered and dried my hair and was deciding what to wear when Stella knocked and entered my room. I was only wearing my bra and pants and blushed as she entered.

"You decent?" she asked, blithely waltzing into my room.

"Not exactly," I blushed.

"Oops! That's a nice set," she said indicating my maroon lingerie.

"Yes and they're all my own work." I cupped my breasts as I spoke.

Stella did a double take then burst out laughing, "You silly mare!"

"Nay lass, nayyyyyyyyyyy!"

"Oh shut up you silly bitch!"

"You obviously think I'm barking."

"What are you on about?"

"You keep calling me different animals' names."

"You lying toad!" she replied.

"See what I mean."

"No you pig!"

"Geez Stella! Listen to yourself."

"What are you on about fish face?"

"What do you want?"

"I beg your pudding."

"Why have you come bursting into my boudoir?"

"What?"

"Yes, that's me."

She looked at me completely bemused by my comment. "What?"

"That's me, Cathy Watts."

"I know that you silly sod."

"Well it's you who keep referring to me."

"No I don't."

"Okay you don't, see if I care."

"That's not very friendly," she huffed.

I pulled on the lacy maroon top and then my jeans.

"You're not wearing that with jeans?"

"No this is a divided denim skirt," I said sarcastically.

"Cathy, that top deserves to be worn with a skirt not bloody jeans."

"These happen to be designer jeans."

"They do? Could have fooled me."

"Well somebody designed them."

"Ha ha, very funny, now take them off and wear something decent with that top." Before I could stop her she walked up to my wardrobe and began sorting though it. "Here," she said, handing me a mid calf, maroon, corduroy culottes.

I felt like a six year old and blushed with anger rather than embarrassment.

"Now put your black boots on, and let's go."

"Go where?"

"Didn't I tell you?"

"Stella, you batty old git, if you had told me I wouldn't be asking now would I?"

"I don't know, you could have forgotten."

I sat on the bed pulled on some socks and then my black leather boots.

"I haven't forgotten, where have we got to go?"

"To the university and then to my cottage to see how the renovations are going."

"Why have we got to go to the uni?"

"Pippa sent you a text about Spike."

"What? Where's my phone?" I rushed past her and down the stairs. I picked up my phone and checked the inbox of my texts.

'Come quick, Spike is ill. P.'

"Why have we been messing about come on, let's go."

I grabbed my coat and bag and car keys. I jumped in the Golf and started the engine, Stella came trotting out and got in beside me. Before she could shut the door I had stuck it in gear and was screaming down towards the university.

In ten minutes we were parking up, Stella looked a bit ashen, I didn't know why, she drives like that all the time. I grabbed my bag and began running towards the zoology department. I felt frantic with anxiety about my pet dormouse.

As I reached the doorway a large man stepped out in front of me and with one hand in his pocket the other on my shoulder said, "How nice you could come, Miss Watts."

"You sent the message?" I gasped.

"But of course."

"So Spike is okay?"

"I neither know nor care."

"Thank God!" I gasped, "I do care." I looked at the hand he held in the pocket of his jacket. "Either you have a gun in there or your anatomy is stranger than most other apes."

"Very droll, Miss Watts. If you don't believe me, please try running away, it would give me great pleasure to prove that it is a weapon."

"What do you want?"

"Me, to have sex with you, then kill you, but my superiors, they want to talk with you."

"I think I prefer them to you."

"They are equally ruthless."

"Why can't we just go in and have cuppa and discuss this like civilised beings? I'll make Russian tea."

"I prefer good French wine."

"Okay, I'll get my secretary to nip down to Tesco and get some, how about a nice Merlot?"

"You have plenty of nerve for a girl, but then you aren't one, are you?"

"So that makes you a poof, then."

"How dare you!"

"You must be, you wanted sex with me. If I'm not female, that makes you as queer as a quail!" I was beginning to realise my days were numbered, possibly this was the last one. I was going to die a virgin, but more annoyingly, I hadn't yet changed my birth certificate, so I would die officially as male. That really irked me.

He was pushing me back towards the doorway through which I'd just stepped. I shrugged off his hand.

"Get your filthy hands off me, you bastard," I spat at him.

I saw the hand in the pocket tense and waited for the shot. It didn't come. He pushed me back outside. Without thinking I swung my heavy handbag into his face, he fired the gun as he staggered backwards. Somehow the shot missed me, smashing glass somewhere behind me. Instead of running I jumped and kicked, the first caught his groin, the second, my right foot his chin. He went down like a sack of coal, I also fell.

I jumped up as he tried to rise and without any compunction, I kicked as hard as I could at his head. He fell backwards and lay still. I heard a car driving off, the smashing of glass as per an auto accident, and more squealing of tyres.

People came rushing from the university.

"Stella," I shouted, running out to car park, the passenger door of my car was open, and Stella was gone!