Martin was pissed off. Ontop of everything else that had happened lately. Rachel missing probably due to his insanity and interference, being soaked to the bone the other day and getting a nasty cold, the part he got didn't fit. After all that time in the dirty smelly scrapyard getting one it was the wrong one. Heck it took him part of the day to even find the one on his own "new" truck.

Last few days there has been some nutjob phoneing him "unknown name unknown number" who leaves silence for messages. This didn't help him at all. His world is falling apart and now this...

The website he had found, finnaly after searching endlessly that actually had some people that were real trans and not pretenders was going to be lost.

It was just too much. Without Rachel to balance him and help there simply was no room for Tanya anymore just this fake shell that was Martin. His Dad was right he should just give up and live as he was born.

Martin sat on the floor of his living room away from the computer staring at the two bottles infront of him. If he mixed them the pain would be small but after that there would never be any pain again and the world would be rid of him.

He knew it was suicide but that small part of him that was Tanya just couldn't do it. Instead with his knees pulled up to his chest he cried as he remembered the few conversations he had enjoyed with Rachel in the past.

" Your such a girl!" Rachel had said but in the background you could clearly hear little Sally "Of course she's a girl! Like duh Dad she's a girl and your a boy. She was born a girl, she will die a girl that's just the way it is!"

A young child's simple point of view. To Sally there was no question that Tanya was a girl period. She was so wrong and Tanya had tried to patiently explain this over the phone. It never worked. Sally was firmly dead certain that Tanya was a girl... Mind you from her point of view a girl trying, and failing, to be a boy.

But it didn't matter anymore there was no more Tanya. Tommorow Martin would go into work and explain to everyone he was a guy and that pretending to be a girl was just a temporary insanity or something. Next to the bottles was a new unopened package of mens briefs. Martin knew he should be wearing the useless things and not panties but just even handling the package made him sick.

Did anything really matter anymore? My one and only place I called home online is about to be stolen from me by the admin that I somehow pissed off, again. With a smirk Martin thinks about how his and the site admin personality is so similar. It was like putting two alpha female cats in the same room. Fights occurred and alot of fur went missing.

No matter how hard he tried over the years NOBODY ever understood him. Didn't matter if he spoke or wrote it was like people saw things in what he wrote that were not there. What was there was also misinterpreted.

Always the same "well you have to learn tact' was his sisters comments" your a little too blunt" was his Dad's, "You speak in terms of definites. This WILL happen not MAY happen" that one made no sense since it will happen its all right there can people really not see it?

"Well you implied..." What the heck does that have to do with anything? Your not supposed to read whats implied! You learn that in school for crying out loud. "Just read what is written not what is implied." Mr. White said in english 100.

With a chuckle he remembered the example from all those years ago. "Go home and tell your family that Mr. White came to school sober today." It was a perfectly true statement. However it implied the opposite that he came to school drunk or impaired most of the time. News papers and other media make full use of implications. The only way to find out the truth was to read or listen without the implications. Which was easy for Martin to do.

However it seems that most of the people, for some reason or another, failed english in school and read or listened to implications anyways. This left Martin in trouble alot of the time because he could not see that anymore.

Ring Ring

"Gods just leave me alone please!"cried Martin as he sat on his living room floor in curled up in a ball with tears falling down his face.

In a small whisper that was more of a prayer "Please Rachel I need you so much call me please."