The Lingerie Shop

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Once again, for your amusement, the comedic stylings of Roland and Dimaggio. This classic skit is taken from their long-running PBS-BBC joint production, Lost in Transition. Please enjoy and don't forget this week is pledge week. Roland and Dimaggio will be taking your phone calls as they sit for an interview with that internationally known star of stage, screen and television, Miss Susan Heywood.
Call in at 1-800-555-BRAS...1-800-555-2727
 

 


The Lingerie Shop


 

Kristy walks in the door.

Kristy: Good Morning.

Drea: Good morning, Ma'am. Welcome to Asimov's Foundation Shop!

Kristy: Ah, thank you, my good woman.

Drea: What can I do for you, Ma'am?

Kristy: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Century Avenue in Paramus just now, skimming through "Tommyknockers" by Stephen King, and I suddenly came over all anxious.

Drea: Anxious, Ma'am?

Kristy: Nervous

Drea: Eh?

Kristy: I was gettin' antsy!

Drea: Ah, Restless!

Kristy: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little retail therapy will do the trick," so, I curtailed my reading activites, got in my Beetle, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some attractive unmetionables!

Drea: Huh?

Kristy: I want to buy a bra.

Drea: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the balalaika player!

Kristy: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Drea: Sorry?

Kristy: I like a nice tune that's got rhythm and you can dance to it!

Drea: So she can go on playing, can she?

Kristy: Most certainly! Now then, some bras please, my good woman.

Drea: (lustily) Certainly, Ma’am. Go ahead, Laika. Now, what would you like?

Kristy: Well, eh, how about a little red Playtex.

Drea: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Playtex, Ma'am.

Kristy: Oh, never mind, how are you on Hanes?

Drea: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, Ma'am, we get them on Monday.

Kristy: Tish tish. No matter. Well, dear woman, a nice Warner's push-up, if you please.

Drea: Ah! They've been on order, Ma'am, for two weeks. Was expecting them this morning.

Kristy: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Maidenform Smooth Fit?

Drea: Sorry, Ma'am.

Kristy: Wacoal Satin?

Drea: Normally, Ma'am, yes. Today UPS broke down.

Kristy: Ah. Cabernet Floral?

Drea: Sorry.

Kristy: Revelations, Fruit of the Loom?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Any La Mystiere, per chance?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Bali?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Goddess?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Calvin Klein?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Chantelle?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Donna Karan?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Fantasie?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Emporo Armani?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Felina, Glamorise?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Vanity Fair, perhaps?

Drea: Ah! We have Vanity Fair, yes Ma'am.

Kristy: (surprised) You do! Excellent.

Drea: Yes Ma'am. They're..ah,.....they're a bit ...irregular.

Kristy: Oh, I don't mind irregular.

Drea: Well,.. They're very irregular, actually, Ma'am.

Kristy: No matter. Fetch hither the Brassiere de Vanity Fair! Mmmwah!

Drea: I...think they're a bit more irregular than you'll like it, Ma'am.

Kristy: I don't care how fucking irregular they are. Hand them over with all speed.

Drea: Oooooooooohhh........!

Kristy: What now?

Drea: Sold the last one.

Kristy: Last one?

Drea: Yes..

Kristy: (pause) Dominique?

Drea: No.

Kristy: DKNY?

Drea : No.

Kristy: Cosa Bella?

Drea : No.

Kristy: Liz Claiborne?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Harlequin?

Drea: No, Ma'am.

Kristy: You...do have some bras, don't you?

Drea: (brightly) Of course, Ma’am. It's a lingerie shop, Ma'am. We've got–

Krisy: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Drea: Fair enough.

Kristy: Uuuuuh, Caliva?

Drea: Yes?

Kristy: Ah, well, I'll have one of those!

Drea: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, Ma'am. Andrea Caliva… that's my name.

(pause)

Kristy: Elita?

Drea: Uh, not as such.

Kristy: Uuh, Elle McPherson?

Drea: no.

Kristy: Jezebel?

Drea: no.

Kristy: La Perla?

Drea: no.

Kristy: Anita?

Drea: no.

Kristy: Hanky Panky?

Drea: no.

Kristy: Simone Perle?

Drea: no.

Kristy: Elomi?

Drea: Not *today*, Ma'am, no.

(pause)

Kristy: Aah, how about Wonder Bra?

Drea: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, Ma'am.

Kristy: Not much ca--It's the single most popular bra in the world!

Drea: Not 'round here, ma'am.

Kristy: and what IS the most popular bra around heah?

Drea: Jockey, Ma'am.

Kristy: IS it?

Drea: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.

Kristy: Is it.

Drea: It's our number one best seller, Ma'am!

Kristy: I see. Uuh...Jockey, eh?

Drea: Right, Ma'am.

Kristy: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' she asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Drea: I'll have a look, Ma'am...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Kristy: It's not much of a lingerie shop, is it?

Drea: Finest in Bergen County!

Kristy: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Drea: Well, it's so clean, Ma'am.

Kristy: It's certainly uncontaminated by lingerie....

Drea: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Lily of France.

Kristy: Would it be worth it?

Drea: Could be....

Kristy: Have you --Shut that damn balalaika OFF!

Drea: Told you Ma'am...

Kristy: (slowly) Have you got any Lily of France?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Drea: Yes, Ma'am?

Kristy: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any bras here at all.

Drea: Yes, Ma'am.

Kristy: Really?

(pause)

Drea: No. Not really, Ma'am.

Kristy: You haven't.

Drea: No...Ma'am. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, Ma'am.

Kristy: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Drea: Oopsies!

Kristy takes out a paint-ball gun and shoots Drea in the breast!

Drea: OWWWWW!!!

Kristy: What a senseless waste of a Nicole Miller Cobalt Blue Crisscross Bodice Satin Gown.
 
Based on "The Cheese Shop"
by Monty Python's Flying Circus

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Comments

cheese shop

somewhere, the cast of Monty Python is rolling over in their graves, and not all of them are dead yet! Vey funny stuff hun.

DogSig.png

The Flying (Bra) Circus?

ALISON

The Monty Python Show has just been ressurected by Andrea.The men in the long white coats will be there shortly 'Drea.I just love that crazy stuff.

ALISON

that was evil

kristina l s's picture

Brilliant... but evil. I could almost see John Cleese and was it Eric Idle in that one (?)... urrk now I'm channelling deceased parrots, or sketches thereof... all sort of superimposed on a couple of out-takes from French and Saunders.

Damn this is clever Drea, not simple at all to get it to feel and flow right. Hah...shakes head admiringly.

Kristina

Cleese and Palin

Shortly into the tale, I started hearing it in my mind, in their voices. Hearing John Cleese ask for all the different bras is a bit disconcerting. Oddly though, I can see them doing this version for their next reunion tour.

Now if I could only find that copy of "A Sale of Two Titties" or "Knickerless Knickleby."

Creative as always

RAMI

Creative as always Andrea.

RAMI

RAMI

I had this devestatingly clever post ready last night ...

With Python and Wallace and Gromit references -- IE "CHEEEEESE !"! -- but the site wouldn't let me post.

And there are those who say intelegent software isn't. I think BC is run by an AI. It saved your sanity last night!

Thanks, HAL.

BTW VERRY silly, Drea.

John in Wauwatosa

P.S. I your honor I had TWO kinds of cheese on my eggs this morning.

John in Wauwatosa

Asimov's Foundation Shop?

Does that mean there will be five more stories, the last few by selected major authors?

I thought this was very funny.

I wonder just what the cast of Monty Python IS thinking right now? LOL. Anyway Drea, nice as usual...thank you for sharing.

"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."

Love & hugs,
Barbara

"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."

"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."

Love & hugs,
Barbara

"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."

River?

Beverly Colleen's picture

I think I just swallowed a bug.....

Sanity Is Totally Overrated.

Beverly's Balcony

**********
I am a leaf on the wind, but someone turned the fan off.

I'm honoured

I actually received a mention in a story.

You know, this reminds me of a rhyme - the Rhyme of the Ancient Marinade:

To his girl, said a sharp-eyed detective,
which prompted a flow of invective;
"Could it be that you East tit
has the best of your West tit,
or is it a trick of perspective?"

And there's me thinking that pythons are merely snakes in the grass. Oh, how can one so young and beautiful be so naïve?

Susie

Hey Partner ;) Great Job!

KristineRead's picture

Hey Partner ;) Great Job! I loved "Asimov's Foundation Shop" and "TommyKnockers" by Stephin King... that was just hysterical.

Mr. Kincaid called, he can get us on the Carribean Princess for a 12 week gig, star billing. Gotta report to Julie, in the Acapulco Lounge at 1pm on July 1. It's leaving from the port in Philadelphia.

Normally it's hot as hell in Philadelphia, but John opened the window, unfortunately that let in too many flies.

Marge swallowed a fly, don't ask me why. She keeled over, and people all thought she was Schott. But when nobody saw any Reds, they decided she must have simpson been a toon.

Speaking of which, can you carry one? Don wants us to do a song and dance number, but I'm afraid I just get tied up in knotts. And don't worry I'm sure we can stay away from Mr. Limpet for the week.

Give me a call Drea, we need to get back to him, before Keith Partridge takes the gig.

Kristy

See my blog! :)

KristineRead's picture

See my blog!

:)

beautiful plumage!

The Python parrot may be dead, but the knicker elastic just keeps twanging like a Status Quo guitar. Lovely! G xx