The Lingerie Shop

Printer-friendly version

Author: 

Audience Rating: 

Publication: 

Genre: 

Character Age: 

Other Keywords: 

Permission: 

Once again, for your amusement, the comedic stylings of Roland and Dimaggio. This classic skit is taken from their long-running PBS-BBC joint production, Lost in Transition. Please enjoy and don't forget this week is pledge week. Roland and Dimaggio will be taking your phone calls as they sit for an interview with that internationally known star of stage, screen and television, Miss Susan Heywood.
Call in at 1-800-555-BRAS...1-800-555-2727
 

 


The Lingerie Shop


 

Kristy walks in the door.

Kristy: Good Morning.

Drea: Good morning, Ma'am. Welcome to Asimov's Foundation Shop!

Kristy: Ah, thank you, my good woman.

Drea: What can I do for you, Ma'am?

Kristy: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Century Avenue in Paramus just now, skimming through "Tommyknockers" by Stephen King, and I suddenly came over all anxious.

Drea: Anxious, Ma'am?

Kristy: Nervous

Drea: Eh?

Kristy: I was gettin' antsy!

Drea: Ah, Restless!

Kristy: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little retail therapy will do the trick," so, I curtailed my reading activites, got in my Beetle, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some attractive unmetionables!

Drea: Huh?

Kristy: I want to buy a bra.

Drea: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the balalaika player!

Kristy: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Drea: Sorry?

Kristy: I like a nice tune that's got rhythm and you can dance to it!

Drea: So she can go on playing, can she?

Kristy: Most certainly! Now then, some bras please, my good woman.

Drea: (lustily) Certainly, Ma’am. Go ahead, Laika. Now, what would you like?

Kristy: Well, eh, how about a little red Playtex.

Drea: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Playtex, Ma'am.

Kristy: Oh, never mind, how are you on Hanes?

Drea: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, Ma'am, we get them on Monday.

Kristy: Tish tish. No matter. Well, dear woman, a nice Warner's push-up, if you please.

Drea: Ah! They've been on order, Ma'am, for two weeks. Was expecting them this morning.

Kristy: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Maidenform Smooth Fit?

Drea: Sorry, Ma'am.

Kristy: Wacoal Satin?

Drea: Normally, Ma'am, yes. Today UPS broke down.

Kristy: Ah. Cabernet Floral?

Drea: Sorry.

Kristy: Revelations, Fruit of the Loom?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Any La Mystiere, per chance?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Bali?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Goddess?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Calvin Klein?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Chantelle?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Donna Karan?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Fantasie?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Emporo Armani?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Felina, Glamorise?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Vanity Fair, perhaps?

Drea: Ah! We have Vanity Fair, yes Ma'am.

Kristy: (surprised) You do! Excellent.

Drea: Yes Ma'am. They're..ah,.....they're a bit ...irregular.

Kristy: Oh, I don't mind irregular.

Drea: Well,.. They're very irregular, actually, Ma'am.

Kristy: No matter. Fetch hither the Brassiere de Vanity Fair! Mmmwah!

Drea: I...think they're a bit more irregular than you'll like it, Ma'am.

Kristy: I don't care how fucking irregular they are. Hand them over with all speed.

Drea: Oooooooooohhh........!

Kristy: What now?

Drea: Sold the last one.

Kristy: Last one?

Drea: Yes..

Kristy: (pause) Dominique?

Drea: No.

Kristy: DKNY?

Drea : No.

Kristy: Cosa Bella?

Drea : No.

Kristy: Liz Claiborne?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Harlequin?

Drea: No, Ma'am.

Kristy: You...do have some bras, don't you?

Drea: (brightly) Of course, Ma’am. It's a lingerie shop, Ma'am. We've got–

Krisy: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Drea: Fair enough.

Kristy: Uuuuuh, Caliva?

Drea: Yes?

Kristy: Ah, well, I'll have one of those!

Drea: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, Ma'am. Andrea Caliva… that's my name.

(pause)

Kristy: Elita?

Drea: Uh, not as such.

Kristy: Uuh, Elle McPherson?

Drea: no.

Kristy: Jezebel?

Drea: no.

Kristy: La Perla?

Drea: no.

Kristy: Anita?

Drea: no.

Kristy: Hanky Panky?

Drea: no.

Kristy: Simone Perle?

Drea: no.

Kristy: Elomi?

Drea: Not *today*, Ma'am, no.

(pause)

Kristy: Aah, how about Wonder Bra?

Drea: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, Ma'am.

Kristy: Not much ca--It's the single most popular bra in the world!

Drea: Not 'round here, ma'am.

Kristy: and what IS the most popular bra around heah?

Drea: Jockey, Ma'am.

Kristy: IS it?

Drea: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.

Kristy: Is it.

Drea: It's our number one best seller, Ma'am!

Kristy: I see. Uuh...Jockey, eh?

Drea: Right, Ma'am.

Kristy: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' she asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Drea: I'll have a look, Ma'am...nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Kristy: It's not much of a lingerie shop, is it?

Drea: Finest in Bergen County!

Kristy: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Drea: Well, it's so clean, Ma'am.

Kristy: It's certainly uncontaminated by lingerie....

Drea: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Lily of France.

Kristy: Would it be worth it?

Drea: Could be....

Kristy: Have you --Shut that damn balalaika OFF!

Drea: Told you Ma'am...

Kristy: (slowly) Have you got any Lily of France?

Drea: No.

Kristy: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Drea: Yes, Ma'am?

Kristy: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any bras here at all.

Drea: Yes, Ma'am.

Kristy: Really?

(pause)

Drea: No. Not really, Ma'am.

Kristy: You haven't.

Drea: No...Ma'am. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, Ma'am.

Kristy: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Drea: Oopsies!

Kristy takes out a paint-ball gun and shoots Drea in the breast!

Drea: OWWWWW!!!

Kristy: What a senseless waste of a Nicole Miller Cobalt Blue Crisscross Bodice Satin Gown.
 
Based on "The Cheese Shop"
by Monty Python's Flying Circus



If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos!
Click the Thumbs Up! button below to leave the author a kudos:
up
45 users have voted.

And please, remember to comment, too! Thanks. 
This story is 964 words long.