Angelina Seraphino, Private Eye

Printer-friendly version

Author: 

Audience Rating: 

Contests: 

Publication: 

Genre: 

Character Age: 

Other Keywords: 

Permission: 



film-noir-woman-revolver-260nw-722679124(1)_0.jpg




I sat at my desk, wondering where the mortgage money was going to come from. There's only so much a girl can do when the client list is as thin as a Michael Bay script! I was fighting a headache that was playing like a bad Good Charlotte wanabee in my head when the door creaked open. In walks this doll…like out of a movie magazine. She had legs up to there and then some and her face was like an angel. I gave her the once over and nodded as she sidled up to the desk, leaning over with it a view to die for. She had a balcony you could do Shakespeare from and she didn’t mind showing the audience back stage either.

“You Seraphino?” She mewled as she parked her tookus on the desk. She pulled a compact out of her purse and began doing a repair job to her paint, but she didn’t need any repair. Like I said, Angel.

“Yeah, sweetheart,” I said in my best Bacall imitation, right down to the chin pressed against my chest. I would have sweat bullets at that point, but women don’t sweat…they perspire. And we don’t even perspire… we glisten.

“I gotta job for you…” she said….a voice to go with the figure and the face.

“Yeah?” I said, trying to be glib. I don’t do glib, but serious? I’m as serious as they come.

“Heard you’re really good at….locating things.” She smiled, her teeth beamed like pearls, which looked nice surrounded by those ruby lips…If I still had the equipment downstairs I woulda’ had a hard time standing, ya know? But I digress. I reached over and grabbed her wrist.

“You getting’ fresh, sister?” She smiled again and grabbed my chin. Her nails were like steel and scratched my foundation right to the core.

“What of it?” I asked, tryin’ hard not to laugh….like I said…I do serious.

“Well, if that’s part of your weekly expenses, then I’m all in, babe.” She planted one right on me and kissed like it was goin’ outta style. I was ready to forget the cash when she pulls out a wad of bills as thick as my purse and throws it on the desk with a laugh.

“That oughta cover it, dollface!” Imagine…her callin’ me dollface. Maybe the twenty g’s I gave that doc in Beverly Hills was payin’ off after all. I thumbed through the bills like yesterday’s newspaper and tossed the wad into my bag.

“Whatya lookin’ for?” I asked. She leaned closer and whispered in my ear,

“You ever heard of the Jade Firebird?” Her breath was as sweet as a pack of Menthos and twice as nice. I nodded my head yes.

“Sure…but that’s the trick, ain’t it, doll?” Her face turned crimson at the word trick. She leaned closer and stared me in the eyes; her own baby blues big enough to drown in.

“Yeah….so what’s it gonna be? You gonna find it…?”

“I can find anything…holdin’ on is more a problem with me.” I joked.

“Listen sister. I need that Jade Firebird and I need it now. And you gotta have the key to the whole shebang to make it work!” She tried to be angry but she just came off as pouty. I reached into my purse and she thought I was goin’ for my piece.

“Whoa…easy there, babe…I just want the key and I’m outta here…” She hopped off the desk and stood with her hands on her hips….did I mention her figure?

“No problemo,” I laughed. I tossed her the key in my hand and she smiled. Easiest job I ever had…since the key was in my purse all along. She stepped around the desk and planted another one on my kisser and said,

“Okay, honey…you can take the Volvo since Mandy is over at Jocelyn’s house for pizza. Pick her up on the way back from getting Petey from soccer practice, okay? I’ll drop the Firebird off at Nick’s for the tune up and catch a ride with Noreen to Pilates. See you tonight, okay?”

“Okay, Liz…Love you!” I said as she walked out the door.

"Love you, too, Angela. Order Thai, Okay?"

Did I mention she had a voice like an Angel?



up
106 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

Comments

you like playing with us, don't you?

Meanie. Actually fantastic, as always.

"Treat everyone you meet as though they had a sign on them that said "Fragile, under construction"

dorothycolleen

DogSig.png

She is a meanie, isn't she?

Glad to see you climbing out of it, sis! Hey, Dorothy! Thanks for keeping our girl's spirits up!


Borrowing Melancholy! Belle

Angelina Seraphino, Private Eye

Foreplay? Cute!

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Dickspeak

laika's picture

"You're cute ....... I'm cute too!"
-Raymond Chandler, The Little Sister

The trouble I have with spoofs of old time detective drama---their merciless barrage of outdated slang, those cornball and often creepy suggestive metaphors---is that it's been done so often that those who produce this kind of humor are no longer referring back to actual stories and films from the hardboiled/noir genre but only to previous spoofs, like some increasingly demented succession of Elvis impersonators feeding off each others' strange ticks and thankyewvurrymuches. This has become almost the standard image of the genre anymore, so that we can forget how brilliant, how engaging and wonderously strange and sometimes subtle and insightful the real thing was, at its best...

So I was really glad for the twist in this story, which put the tsunami of shamus argot into a context that made sense, that this was the product of your narrator having seen too many bad skits on the theme; a Walter Mitty reverie translating a mundane exchange into something cinematically exotic + dangerous. Too funny. And the gag about the "Firebird"? Sweet!
~hugs, Trixie

.
The closest approximation to what it's like in my brain:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u08E7c-FRbU&t=4s

That wasn't...

That wasn't the twist I was expecting, but seeing that short scroll bar on the side (yeah, I peeked. A girl's got to keep her eyes open, don't you know... Even when distracted...) I knew this wasn't going to follow the falcon all the way. But, I'd never figured they were talking about a car. LOL

Thanks,
Anne

Great story with a rather

Great story with a rather neat little twist at the end, and especially one that was not expected.

And the two-play was pretty good too, Stan

Some nice lines in this; reminded me of 'Dragnet' (showing my age now - black & white TV!).

Hilarious ending too.

S.

Oh A Wise Girl Huh?

Delightful, did I ever tell you your words play with my heart like a Stradivarius? The stories you tell are like sweet drops of dew that pool to form a lake I dive into, forgetting about my own mundane problems.

Massive Kudos to you Babe, you just keep your tush in the chair and your fingers tickling the keys that unlock the stories you tell.

Loved it,

Beth

Andrea Spillane,

ALISON

'we are going to have to take you in on a four twelve! What's a four twelve? Over acting! You got us again
but well done,got a good laugh out of it.

ALISON

trouble standing

kristina l s's picture

Oh dear, that was neat dollface. Didn't expect the little segue at the end but that just made it. Lovely little dream.

Kristina

I, The Jury

joannebarbarella's picture

Am still out, but only because I'm laughing, Della.....umm....sorry, 'Drea,

Joanne

very cute

I almost passed it by, but I'm glad I didn't

Move over, Dash Hammett,

Ole Ulfson's picture

There's a new gat in town!

Ole

We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!

Gender rights are the new civil rights!