Allan in Wonderland

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Allan in Wonderland, how do you get to Wonderland?
Take a step or merely stand, as still as you can be?
When your life is passing by, it disappoints ‘til the day you die.
Where is the land beyond this plain, it’s just beyond what you can see?
Where does time go, where your heart is ever blue?
They must be some place in your dreadful afternoon.
Allan in Wonderland, where is the path to Wonderland?
Where is that path? I cannot find, I wonder why.

In a meadow somewhere in Bergen County, New Jersey...Jennifer and Allan are enjoying a nice afternoon reading in the shade of a maple...their Sheltie Ginger is sitting at Jennifer's feet...

Jennifer: If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.

Allan: Hmm...? Oh, I’m listening.

Jennifer: Next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then.

Allan: He he he!

Jennifer: The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love.

Allan: He he he!

Jennier: Allan...! Will you please pay attention?

Allan: I’m sorry, but how can I possibly pay attention to a book without pictures in it?

Jennifer: My dear, there are a great many good books in this world without pictures.

Allan: In this world perhaps. But in my world, the books would be nothing but pretty pictures.

Jennifer: Your world? My gosh? Allan… how foolish is that. Now...

Alice: Foolish?

Jennifer: Never mind…let’s finish this before lunch.

Allan: That’s it, Ginger! If I had a world of my own, everything would be stupid. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And conversely, what it is, it wouldn’t be, and what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?

Ginder: Woof!

Allan: In my world, you wouldn’t say ‘woof’. You’d say ‘Sure thing, Allie’.

Ginger: Woof!

Allan: Oh, but you would! You’d be just like people, Ginger, and all the other animals too. Why, in my world...

Dogs and cats, would live in decorated houses, and be dressed in dresses and scarves and blouses. In a place of my own. Every boy would dance and twirl. They’d wear a ball gown like a girl, when I’m lonely in a place of my own. There’d be new flowers, lots of nice and friendly sentient flowers; every girl would have their bridal showers, within that world of my own. I could listen to a rushing stream and here a song, so would it seem. I keep wishing it could be that way, because my home would be a wonderland.

Ginger: Woof! Woof! Woof!

Allan: Oh Ginger! It’s just a fox…a vixen…in a corset... with a watch!

Vixen: Oh my furry sisters! Not on time! Not on time! Not on time!

Allan: Now this is weird! What could a fox possibly be late for? Please, Miss!


No time! No time…it’s like a federal crime No time to shout, goodbye! Hello! No time! No time! No time!

Allan: It must be awfully important, like a party or something! Miss Vixen! Wait!


No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh gosh, oh gee…She’ll be really pissed at me. No time to say hello! Goodbye! I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!

Allan looks down the hole at the base of the Maple where the vixen has fled...

Allan: My, what a strange place to have a party.

Ginger: Woof!

Allan: You know, Ginger, we really shouldn’ doing this... You know, we weren’t even asked! And curiosity often leads to troubl — l — l — e — e — e! Son of a….! ... Oh! Well, this sucks…but it’s not all that bad fa-... of falling downstairs! ... Oh! Ahhh... Oh, Crap! What if this is a friggin’ sink hole... oh, and I might end up like that little girl that fell in the well. Oh, but that’s Stupid. Nobody... oh! Oh, ha ha. Oh, Miss Vixen! Wait! Please!

Door Handle: Ohhhhh!!

Allan: OH! Oh…sorry.

Door Handle: Oh, oh, it’s quite all right. But your hands are cold…you should have been a doctor!

Allan: You see, I was chasing after this furry in a corset...

Door Handle: Pretty good, huh…cold hands…doctor?

Allan: Huh…that sucked big time!

Door Handle: Damn! Anyway, kid…What can I do for you?

Allan: Well, I’m looking for a vixen in a corset. So, um, if you don’t mind...

Door Handle: Uh? Oh!

Allan: There she is! I gotta get through!

Doorknob: Sorry, you’re much too male. Won’t work…Not gonna do it it…Wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.

Allan: You mean I’m too big? I’m only five-six!

Door Handle: No, you idiot! Too friggin’ male! Why don’t you try the pills on the table?

Allan: Table? Oh!

Door Handle: Read the lable, and able to amend your fable…legs like Betty Grable…He he he!

Allan: ‘Take me’. Hmmm, better look first…

Anti-depressants can increase suicidal thoughts and behaviors in children, teens, and young adults. Suicide is a known risk of depression and some other psychiatric disorders. Call your doctor right away if you have new or worsening depression symptoms, unusual changes in behavior, or thoughts of suicide…Jeez…Welcome to my world!

Door Handle: Beg your pardon!

Alice: I was just giving myself some good advice. But... hmm, tastes like oh... Orange
Julius… A Big Mac… Miller lite? Dove Chocolate... Damn! What did I do?

Door Handle: Ho ho ho ho! You look Mahvelous! But sorry, kid, can’t let you in…

Allan: But look! It’s just the look, right?!

Door Handle: Oh, no use! Ha ha ha ha. I forgot to tell you, ho ho ho ho! No girls allowed!

Allan: Oh no!

Door Handle: Ha ha ha, but of course, uh, you’ve got the key, so...

Allan: What key?

Door Handle: Now, don’t tell me you don’t know!

Allan: Oh, shit…sorry…

Door Handle: Try the other pills, naturally.

Allan: Oh! ‘Eat me’. Eat me? I gotta take the pills. What will they do? Oh crap!

Door Hell: whtwhsthswwdthdwd!

Allan: What did you say?

Door Hell: I said: ‘you’re a girl now! Ha ha ha ha!

Allan: Well, This sucks big time! I just like dresses!!! Now- now I'll never get ou-out!

Door Handle: Oh, come on now. Crying won’t help.

Allan: I know, but I- I- I just can’t stop! We’ve got the championship coming up in a week… How will I play? (Allan continues to cry)

Door Handle: You could always be a cheerleader or maybe a ballerina…and maybe Daddy will call you pumpkin. Hey, hey you! Bwbwlwbbwlwbl! Say, this won't do at all! You, you up there, stop! Stop, I say! Oh look! The bottle, the bottle...your tears...they're causing a flood!

Allan: Oh dear, I do wish I hadn’t cried so much.

Door Handle: glpglpglp...

Just then a familiar face comes along...sporting a parrot on his shoulder...

Uncle Boyo:

Oh, the sailor’s life is the life for me, how I love to pick up girls in port, and I never never ever do what I ought... ‘cause doing what I ought never satisfies me. Oh, a roving life is a life for me, tiddle um dum pom pom dum de dee! And I never ever... ahoy! And other nautical expressions! Girly boy…wow!

Perot: Nah nah now here Boyo….WTF, Boyo see here...?
Alice: Uncle Boyo?

Boyo: Anyone read anything good over at Frantic Fiction?

Allan: Leave me alone, Uncle Boyo!

Boyo: Yohoho, and a bottle of GHB, we love each time...

Allan: Please! Please help me! ... Um, pardon me, but uh, would you mind helping me? Please? Yoo Ho! Yoo Ho! Anybody? Mr. Door Handle? Help me! Please! Help me!


Forward, backward, upside down, come and join the chase! Nothing could be crappier...I missed that you had mace! Backward, forward, outward, inward, Let me be a top, never a beginning when I’m busted by a cop! Skippin, hoppin, tripping, fancy free, Hubba, Hubba, I’m off to jail in a moment and the cell mate of Mr. Bubba! Round and round and round we go, and in jail for evermore, once we were behind but now we find we are be-forward, backward, inward, outward, come and join the chase! Nothing could be suckier than a baton to my face. For backward... I say! You’ll never get dry that way!

Allan: Get dry?

Boyo: Let me towel you off!

Allan: But how can I...

Boyo: That’s better! Have you dry in no time now!

Allan: Stop! No-one can ever get dry this way!

Boyo: Nonsense! I am as dry as a bone already.

Allan: Yes, but...

Perot: All right, kiddies! Wake up! Wake up you sleepy hobbitses…oops wrong movie…

Allan: The Vixen! Mi- Miss Vixen!

Vixen: OhSonofabitch…not on time….

Alllan: Oh, don’t go away!

Vixen: I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!

Boyo: Need some help with that, Erma? Connie…let me help you with that...

Allan: Miss Vixen! Oh, Miss Vixen! Oh dear, I’m sure she came this way. Where the hell did she go? Hmmm... Not here. I wonder... No, I suppose she must have... Oh! Why, Huh! Inga Dom and Inga Dame?

Inga Dom: We’re medical consultants. If you think we’re worth it, you ought to pay, you know!

Inga Dame: On the other hand, if you don’t think we’re worth it, you should still pay!!

Dom and Dame: That’s business!

Allan: Well, it’s been cool meeting you. Goodbye!

Dom: You’re bassackwards!

Dame: Yeah...the first thing you say when you meet someone is “Hey, what’s your sign?”

Dom and Dame: That’s manners!

Allan: For Real? Well, my name is Allan and I’m following a vixen in a corset…So...

Dom: You can’t go yet!

Dame: No, the visit has just started!

Allan: Sorry!

Dom: She wearing leather?

Dame: Or Satin?

Allan: What? What difference does that make?

Dom: If you stay long enough we might have an argument!

Allan: That’s cool, but I gotta fly.

Dom and Dame: Why?

Allan: Because I am following a vixen in a corset!

Dom and Dame: Why?

Alice: Well, I- I gotta find out know where she is going!

Dom: Ohhhh, she’s curious! Tsk! tsk! tsk! tsk!

Dame: They were curious too, weren’t they?

Dom: Yeah, and you remember what happened to them...

Dom and Dame: Poor things! And poor girl...Awwww....

Allan: Why? And stop saying she…I’m a guy?

Dom: Oh, really? With a rack like that? Wish I was that developed when I was your age..

Allan: But I not a girl!

Dame: Oh, no. You’re a lot like a furry I used to date...Very pretty…nice ears…!

Alice: Stop it…okay I’ll listen to your stupid story...

Dom and Dee: You would? Well...

Dom: ‘The Furry and the Transsexual!’

Dame: Or: ‘Here, Kitty, Kitty!’

Dom and Dee:

The sun was shining on the girls, beaming with through pleasant air, she did her very best to make the day both bright and fair. And this was strange because she really didn’t care. Furry and the Transsexual were walking hand in hand. Their path was erose and rocky, so much they couldn’t stand... ‘Dear Miss Trannie,' said the Furry, ‘My mind begins to tire. I’m afraid being out this late in my soft attire.'

'Attire? Uh, pff, brrrr! Uh the time has come (the Trannie said), to talk of other things. Of shoes and slips and camisoles, and pumps and boots and slings. And why that outfit’s way too hot, and why your toes have rings. And why my full slip clings...'

Allan: That’s it? (BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR O..V..A..L..T..I..N..E.) Sonofabitch.

Dom: Aye, and there’s a moral to it.

Allan: Oh yes, a very good moral…Don’t listen to idiots you meet in an enchanted world after you’ve just wolfed down enough anti-depressants to stop a moose…WTF...

Dom: We rap, too...

Allan: Oh…hell no!

Dom: It’s titled ‘Sorry...I never knew.'

Allan: Please…I gotta go pee…just a second…

Dame: First verse:

You are fey, brother Danny, the young lady said and your hair has become very blond. And still you carelessly flirt all day at a girl with whom you are fond! Do you think in your state it is right, is right, do you think at your state it is right? Well, with the mood I’m in, he replied to his sis, I’d do it again and again and again and I’d done it again and again and again...

As they walk along they come to a cottage (no one in these stories lives in a townhouse or a bi-level)

Allan: Now I wonder who lives here...

Vixen: Mary Ann! ?? That girl. Where did she put 'em? Mary Ann!

Allan: The Vixen!

Vixen: Mary Ann! No use, can’t wait, I’m no time, oh me oh my not a crime…no more time!

Allan: Excuse me Miss, but- but I’ve been trying to...

Vixen: Why, Mary Ann! What are you doing out here?

Allan: Mary Ann?

Vixen: Don’t just do something…stand there... Uh... no no! Go go! Go get my opera gloves! I’m late!

Allan: Late for what? That’s just what I...

Vixen: My gloves! At once, do you hear!

Allan: Goodness. I suppose I’ll be taking orders from Ginger next.

(I heard that…Ginger and the Professor had something pretty they wanted Gilligan to model)

Allan: Hmmm, now let me see. If I were a vixen, where would I keep my gloves? Oh! Thank you. Don’t mind if I do. Hmhm. Hmhm. Hmhmhmhmhmhm. Hmhmhmhmhmhm-oeh! Oh no no, not again!

Vixen: Oh! Mary Ann! Now you see here, Mary Ann... Help! No! No! Help! Monster! Help, assistance!

Allan: No... no... no... shit…not him again.

Vixen: A monster! A monster, Boyo! In my house, Boyo!

Allan: Uncle Boyo...?

Vixen: Oh might, poor little bitty house...

Boyo: Uh, steady girl .Can't be as bad as all that you know.

Vixen: Oh my…get the hell out of my house…and leave that poor girl alone!

Boyo: By Jove! Jolly well?? Is! Isn’t it? And will the constabulary be along? I must be off.

Vixen: Damn...what should I do!

Boyo: Ehh, perhaps we should try a more energetic remedy.

Vixen: Yes...No..not you!

Boyo: No, I- I propose that we... uhh...

Vixen: Yes, come on; come on, yes, yes...

Boyo: I propose that we... uhh... dow! By Jove! That’s it! We’ll burn the house down!

Vixen: Yes, hi hi! Burn the house... WTF?

Allan: Oh no!

Boyo: Hi ho! Oh, there’ll be no recompense since I’ve burned the evidence!!!

Vixen: Oh Shit...

Boyo: I won’t do the time cause there’ll be no proof of a crime.

Vixen: No, no! Not my beautiful house!

Boyo: No prison time for me 'cause my lawyer will see I’m free...

Vixen: Sorry…can’t erase the crime from your hard-drive, you fuck…get outta here.

Allan runs down the path and sees a clearing...

Allan: Oh dear, this is serious! I simply must... oh! A garden! Perhaps if I will eat something it will make me grow…male-er?

Vixen: Ahhhh! Oh, let go! Help!

Allan: I’m sorry, but I must eat something!

Vixen: Not me, you- you- you- you- you barbarian! Help! Monster! Help! Ah!

I’m late! Oh dear, I’m here, I should be there! I’m late, I’m late, I’m late! I’m off to see my OBG…Goodbye. Hello. I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!

Allan: Wait! Please wait!

Boyo: Ah, Young lady!

Allan: Get away you pervert!

(Use the glock in your dress pocket)

Allan: Wait! Please! Just a minute! Oh, dear. I’ll never catch her while I’m this petite. Wow…bats…lotsa bats!

As Allan steps into the clearing he hears a voice coming from the flowers...

Pansy: You mean Louisville Sluggers, Chica?

Allan: Oh, yes, of course, I... hmm? Now who do you suppose... Ah, paws…furry paws pregnant…pause…pregnant with paws.

Rose: Naturally!

Allan: Wha..what? But uhh... did you... oh, that’s a load of crap. Pansies can’t talk.

Pansy: But of course I can talk, chica…just a leetle slower than most…but I am going to Community College.

Rhoda: If there’s anyone worth talking to.

Philla: Or about! Hahahaha!

Violets: And we sing too!

Allan: You do?

Iris: Oh, yes. Would you like to hear ‘Tell it to the hand’?

Narcissus: No, let’s sing about me!

Violets: We know one about shrinking violets...

Lily: Oh, Hell no!

Pansy: Senoritas! We shall sing: ‘Gracias mio Dio’. That’s about all of us! Sound your A, Lily!

Lily: Laaaa...

Violets: Mimimimi...

Phila: Lalalala...

Rhode: Hahahahahahaha...

Marigolds: Poem, poepoem, poem, poempoempoempoem....

All flowers:

Gracias mio Dio…I’d be no where without you…you gave me a home and a family…when there was nothing left to do…Gracias mio Dio…There’s nowhere I’d rather be…I’m content to stay at home and cook with a prefrontal lobotomy!!!

Allan: You can learn a lot of things from the flowers, including how transsexuals are treated in story and song…oh boy…hey wait a sec… How do I get out of this friggin’ nightmare?

Flowers: Language, Chica…

Allan: Oh, okay…it was…nice.

Pansy: Gracias.

Rhoda: Where do you come from?

Allan: Whaddya mean...

Phila: Oh, do you suppose she’s pre-op

Allan: No..That’s not me…

Pansy: You look pretty enough to be a gg…gee!

Allan: I tell you…I’m not a girl…I’ve got a girlfriend back home and everything…

Pansy: Ever seen any boy with a blossom like that?

Narcissus: Come to think of it, do you think I care?

Rhoda: Yes, and did you notice her petals? They just….stick out!

Phila: And what a fragrance!

Rhoda: Hahaha! Just look at those stems!

Violet: Are those Wolford? Nah… Cecilia de Rafael Rubino…

Lilita: I think she’s pretty!

Pansy: Hush, niá±ita

Allan: But I’m not a girl!

Narcisus: Aha! Just as I suspected! She’s nothing but a common crossdresser!

Flowers: Oh no!

Allan: A common what?

Narcisus: To put it bluntly: a fake!

Allan: I’m not a fake!

Lily: Well, you wouldn’t expect her to admit it.

Lilac: Can you imagine!

Rhoda: Well, goodness!

Lily: Don’t let her stay here!

Other flowers: Go on now!

Pansy: Senoritas…por favor?

Violets: We don’t want fakes in our neighborhood!

Allan: Oh, the hell with it…I gotta get outta here anyway… (sob). What am I thinking? I’m not a girl…am I?

Flowers: He he he!

Allan: You can learn a lot of things from the flowers... Yeah…shurrre!

Just then, a very large cat-like humanoid appears from out of nowhere, her fur glistening in the sun as she sits on the limb of a tree...

Kitty Furry:

So never judge a book by it's cover
Or who you're going to love by your lover
Love put me wise to her love in disguise
She had the body of a venus
Lord imagine my surprise

Allan: Huh

Kitty Furry: Uh... lose something?

Allan: Oh! Hehe, Oh uhhh... hehe... I- I was... no, no, I- I- I- I mean, I uhh... I was just wondering...

Kitty Furry: Oh uhh, that’s quite all right! Oh, hrmm, one moment please... Oh! Second chorus...

‘Ooh what a funky lady She like it, like it, like it, like that, Ooh he was a lady

Allan: Why, why you’re a cat!

Kitty Furry: Not just a friggin’ cat, kid…a furry girl cat.

Allan: Oh, wait! Don’t go, please!

Kitty Furry: Very well. Third chorus...

Allan: Oh no no no... Thank you, but- but I just wanted to ask you where the hell to go?

Kitty Furry: Well, that depends on where you want to go…

Allan: Oh, it really doesn’t matter, I just gotta catch up with someone

Kitty : Then it really doesn’t matter which way you go! Ah-hmm... dude looks like a ladeeeee... Oh, by the way, if you’d really like to know, she went that way.

Allan: Who did?

Kitty Furry: Vixen in a corset, what else, kid?

Alice: She did?

Kitty: She did what?

Allan: Went that way?

Kitty Fury: Who did?

Allan: Vixen!

Kitty Furry: What’s her name?

Allan: Hell…I don’t know!

Kitty Furry: Spandex?

Allan: Huh?

Kitty Furry: Never mind, kid…inside joke…just check out the makeover lady over at the Glamour place over on Bloomfield Avenue in Fairfield...

Allan: Makeover lady?

Kitty Furry: Yeah…Madeline Hatteras…or you could check out March’s Bunny of the Month… they both hang out at the food court at the mall drinkin’ Mocha Lattes all day with this little
dudette… Dora Topalina.

Allan: Thanks.

Kitty Furry: Of course, they’re all screwed up in the head…too much Adderall.

Allan: Aw, crap..I’m never gonna get home.

Kitty Furry: Sorry…sorta in that boat myself…my Seroquel should be kickin’ in about now…gotta go…sorta like just drifting off…

why she walked like a woman and she talked like a man….

Allan: Shit…these people are friggin’ nuts!!!

Allan walks down the path and comes to another clearing...this time spotting a large table where three figures sit and sing...

Lola Bunny: me. A very know what day today is coffee forget us three??

Madeline: A very happy non-birthday...

Lola: A very happy non-birthday...

Madeline and Lola: A very happy non-birthday to us! ...

Lola: A very happy non-birthday to me.

Madeline: Who?

Lola: To me.

Madeline: Oh you!

Lola: A very happy non-birthday to you.

Madeline: Who, me?

Lola: Yes, you.

Madeline: Oh oh!

Lola: Let's all congratulate us with another mug of Joe… a very happy non-birthday to you!

Lola & Madeline: Eww….ewww…no room for you!

Allan: But I thought there was plenty of room!

Lola: Ah, but it’s very rude to sit down without being invited!

Madeline: I say it’s rude. It’s very very rude, indeed! Hah!

Dora Topolina: Very very very rude, indeed...

Allan: Sorry…I did like your singing and I wondered if you could tell me...

Lola: You enjoyed our singing?

Madeline: Oh, what a delightful child! Hah! I’m so excited, we never get compliments! You must have a cup of coffee!

Lola: Ah, yes indeed! Coffee…yes!

Allan: That would be very nice. I’m sorry I interrupted your birthday party... uh, thank

Lola: Birthday? Hahaha! My dear child, this is not a birthday party!

Madeline: Of course not! Hehehe! This is a non-birthday party!

Allan: Unbirthday? Why, I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand.

Lola: I’m still tryin’ to figure it out myself, kid! Sorta like never bein’ born as a girl…but you end up with one day where you finally figured it all out, ya know?

Madeline: How silly! Ha HA Ha Ha! Ah-hum... I shall elaborate. Now statistics prove, prove that you’ve one birthday.

Lola: Imagine, just one birthday every annum.

Madeline: Ahhh, but there are 364 non-birthdays!

Lola: With presents like perfume and crappy earrings made of stannum.

Alice: Why, then today is my non-birthday too!

Lola: It is?

Madeline: What a small world this is.

Lola: In that case... a very happy non-birthday.

Alice: To me?

Madeline: To you!

Lola: A very crappy non-birthday.

Alice: For me?

Madeline: For you! Now blow the candle out, my dear and make your wish come true! He he he!

Lola: & Madeline: A very happy non- birthday to you!

Dora Topolina:

And it all breaks down at the role reversal
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.
And it all breaks down at the first rehearsal,
got the muse in my head she's universal,
spinnin' me round she's coming over me.

Allan: Huh?

Madeline: And uh, and now my dear, hehe, uh... you were saying that you would like to sit uh...? You were sitting some information some kind... hehe!

Allan: Oh, yes. You see, I’m looking for a...

Madeline: And now, my dear, something seems to be troubling you. Uh, won’t you tell us all about it?

Lola: Start at the beginning.

Madeline: Yes, yes! And when you come to the end, hehehe, stop! See?

Allan: Well, it all started while I was sitting on the riverbank with Ginger.

Madeline: Very interesting. What about Gilligan?

Allan: Why, Ginger is my Dog… You see...

Dora Topolina: Narc Dog?

Lola: Hurry! The stash! Quickly! The stash! Narcs!!!

Madeline: Narcs!

Dora Topolina: Where’s the dog?

Madeline: Oh. Oh, my goodness! Those are the things that upset me!

Lola: See all the trouble you’ve started?

Allan: But really, I didn’t think...

Madeline: Ah, but that’s the point! If you don’t think, you shouldn’t talk!

Madeline: And now my dear, as you were saying?

Allan: Oh, yes. I was sitting on the riverbank with uh... with you know who...

Madeline: I do, hehehe?

Allan: I mean my D.O.G.

Madeline: Coffee?

Lola: Just half a cup if you don’t mind.

Madeline: Come, come my dear. hehehe! Don’t you care for coffee?

Allan: Yeah…I like coffee…but I gotta pee, and I feel like I should sit down or sumthin’.

Lola: If you don’t like coffee, you could at least make polite conversation!

Allan: Well, I’ve been trying to ask you...

Lola: I have an excellent idea! Let’s change the subject!

Madeline: How many transsexuals does it take to change a light bulb?

Allan: Riddles? Let me see now. How many transsexuals does it take to change a light bulb?

Madeline: I beg your pardon?

Allan: How many transsexuals does it take to change a light bulb?

Madeline: Why is a what?

Lola: Careful! She’s looney tunes…

Allan: But- but it’s your stupid riddle! You just said...

Madeline: Very good??!

Lola: How about a nice cup of coffee?

Allan: A nice cup of coffee? Come on…I don’t have the time for this shit!

Lola: The time, the time! Who’s got the time?

Vixen: No, no, no, no! No time, no time, no time! Hello, goodbye! I’m late! I’m late!

Allan: The vixen in the corset.

Vixen: Oh, I’m so late! I’m so very very late!

Madeline: Well, no wonder you’re late! Why, this clock is exactly two days slow!

Vixen: Two days slow? Some doctor you are. You moron…I’M late…me…you know…

Lola and Madeline: A very very un-happy un-birthday to you!

Allan: Miss Vixen…Miss Vixen???

Lola and Madeline: A very very happy un-birthday to us….

Allan: What a waste of time…stupid…nonsense. I’m going home. That vixen. Who cares where she’s going anyway. Why, if it hadn’t been for her… I... gotta get back to Paramus... Huh… I don’t remember this. Now let me see... Oh! Uh, no no, please... Now, if I came this way, I should go back this way!

Furry Kitty:

Hmhmhmhm... and Lola....em em em emm emm emmm...

Alice: Oh, Furry Kitty it’s you!

Furry Kitty: Whom did you expect? The vixen perchance?

Alice: Oh, no no no no. I- I- I’m through with vixens. I want to go home! But I can’t find my way.

Furry Kitty: Naturally. That’s because you have no way. All ways here you see, are the queen’s ways.

Alice: But I’ve never met any queen.

Furry Kitty: You haven’t? You haven’t? Oh, but you must! She’ll be mad about you, simply mad! Hahaha!

Jackie is just speeding away
Thought she was James Dean for a day
Then I guess she had to crash
Valium would have helped that bash
Said, Hey babe,
Take a walk on the wild side

Allan: Please, please! Uh... how can I find her?

Furry Kitty:

Well, Walk this Way…Walk this Way…Walk this Way…Walk this Way…

But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the shortcut.

Allan: Oh!

Performance artists: I see a red door and I want to paint it black…

Allan: Guys? Girls? Why must you paint it black?

Performance artists: Huh? Oh! Well, the fact is, miss, we painted the door by mistake. And, the queen she likes it red. If she saw what we said, she’d open her mouth and we’d soon be dead!

Allan: Damn!

Performance artists: Not pink, not green...

Allan: Not tangerine? (oooh..I love tangerine)

Allan & Performance artists: We’re painting the door black!

Performance artists: The Queen! The Queen!

Allan: The Queen!

Queen: Hum... Who’s been painting my door black? Who’s been painting my door black? Who dares to disobey the royal we? I ought to kick you to the curb, yes me!

Queen: Just shut up…shut up!!!

Allan: Oh, please, please! They were only trying to...

Queen: And who is this? Why, it’s a young lady.

Allan: Yes, and- and I was hoping... (Yes? What the fuck am I saying???)

Queen: Hmhmhmhm. Now, um, where do you come from, and where are you going?

Allan: Well, um, I’m trying to find my way home...

Queen: Your way? All ways here are my ways!

Allan: Well, yes, I know, but I was just thinking...

Queen: Curtsey while you’re thinking, it saves time.

Allan: Yes, your majesty, but I was only going to ask...

Queen: I’ll ask the questions!

Queen: I warn you, girl, you piss me off, and yo’ve got a huge problem!

Furry Kitty: You know we could make her really angry. Shall we try?

Allan: Oh no no!

Furry Kitty: Oh, but it’s lots of fun! When she asks, just say your name is Sissy!

Allan: No, no, no! Stop! Oh no!

Queen: Hmm. Very well then. Let the trial begin!

Vixen: Huh... your majesty... members of the jury... loyal subjects...The prisoner at the bar is charged with defying her majesty, the Queen...

Allan: But...

Vixen: ...and with malice aforethought, teasing, tormenting, and otherwise annoying...

Queen: Don’t mind all that! Get to the part where I lose my temper.

Vixen: Bwbwbwl... Thereby causing the queen to get majorly pissed off…

Queen: Now, Ha ha... are you ready for your sentence?

Allan: Sentence? Ah, but there must be a verdict first!

Queen: Sentence first! Verdict afterwards.

Allan: But that just isn’t the way!

Queen: All ways are...

Allan: Your ways, your majesty.

Allan: And as for you, your majesty! Your majesty indeed! Why, you’re not a queen, but a very attractive albeit crazy amazon…

Queen: Hmhmhmhm... and uh... what were you saying, my dear?

Furry Kitty: Well, she simply said that you’re a very attractive allbeit crazy albino amazon…

Queen: There she goes! Don’t let her get away! Off with her head!

Allan runs into a dark part of the woods and finds himself (himself?) back at the door...

Door Handle: Awww! Still locked, you know.

Allan: But the Queen! I gotta get out!!!

Door Handle: Oh, but you are outside.

Alice: What?

Door Handle: See for yourself! (Allan spots a sleeping figure whose head is on the lap of a very attractive-looking woman.)

Allan: Why, why that’s me! I’m asleep!

Queen: Don’t let her get away! Allan, Allan, wake up! Please wake up, Allan, Allan! Please wake up, Allan, Allan? Allan! Allan!

Jennifer: Allan! Will you kindly pay attention and recite your lesson?

Allan: Huh? Oh. Oh! Uh...

Give a girl an education and introduce her properly into the world, and ten to one but she has the means of settling well, without further expense to anybody. Jane Austen!

But the Kitty….

Jennifer: Allan, what are you talking about?

Allan: Oh, I’m sorry, but you see, the Furry Kitty said...

Jennifer: Furry Kitty? Oh, for goodness sake. Allan you were dreaming, I... Oh, well. Come along, it’s time for your fitting. The corsetiere only has an hour for you, and then there’s our wedding rehearsal…you do like the dress I picked out for you?

Allan in Wonderland, how do you get to Wonderland?
Take a step or merely stand, as still as you can be?
When your life is passing by, it disappoints ‘til the day you die.
Where is the land beyond this plain, it’s just beyond what you can see?
Where does time go, where your heart is ever blue?
They must be some place in your dreadful afternoon.
Allan in Wonderland, where is the path to Wonderland?
Where is that path? I cannot find, I wonder why.

All song parodies based on music from the motion picture,
Alice in Wonderland, 1951...Walt Disney Studios
Words and music by Oliver Wallace

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