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Providence The Valley Part Three by Andrea DiMaggio But I fear you aren't listening Because there are no words Just the stillness and the hunger For a faith that assures

 
“Perhaps let’s just introduce ourselves. I’m Dr. Kelly, but you can call me Katie, yes?”

Katlyn sat on the couch across from Katie, who was counseling as Katie for the first time. Katlyn was even more nervous than she looked, and responded simply,

“Okay.”

“And you?” Katie wasn’t trying to be glib; Katlyn was just too nervous to volunteer any information, so whatever would be learned would come from answering direct questions, and even that might be too difficult at first.

“Katlyn…Carlucci.”

“Now we can’t have two Katie’s here, can we? Do you mind if I call you Katlyn? It’s such a nice name.

“Okay.”

To some, Katlyn’s answers might be excruciatingly slow, but Dr. Kelly understood her reluctance and fear. No one, absolutely no one had ever asked her how she felt, what kind of day she was having, how was she doing, what was on her mind. Her last relationship was the worst, and because of that, she would likely be slow in answering even benign questions. She might answer questions if Dr. Kelly were more directive; but that would be counterproductive, since one of Dr. Kelly’s aims was to help Katlyn gain her own voice, so to speak. She needed to feel safe, and that only came with trust, which would only come when Katlyn realized that Dr. Kelly valued her as a person.

“I want you to know first off a few things that might help our relationship. First, you need not answer any question unless you feel safe telling me the answer. Second and I think this might be very important; there can be no wrong answers, sweetheart. You will be thinking and feeling a lot of things as we talk, some of which you’ve felt for a long time. I might help you explore your answers, but only you can and should determine what is right for you, yes?”

“Okay,” she said. She put her head down and clenched her jaw against her neck to keep from shaking.

“Third; nothing you say to me is going to be shared with anyone else unless you give me permission.” She smiled and pointed to the Bull Terrier sitting on the couch beside Katlyn.

“I have Rocco’s word that he won’t say anything, either.” Katlyn laughed only just a little.

“I consult with my wife, Dr. Gina Kelly from time to time, and I might ask her to help me clarify something we have discussed, but only so I can help you better and only if you say I may.” She smiled again, and Katlyn seemed more relaxed, so she continued.

“Fourth; and I hope you’ll be able to accept that this is the most important part of our relationship. My ministry begins and ends with an abiding trust and faith in God, and if you are to take away anything from our time here, at least I pray it will be that He loves you very much. I will try to help you see yourself as you were created; as someone entirely worthy of love and respect. Does that make sense to you?”

“I’m a whore! Why would God love me?”

“Katlyn, is that how you see yourself? Do you think you’re a whore?” A bit brusque, but still reflecting her own tone, which helped her to continue.

“Yes…yes. I must be!” She began to cry; guilt and shame were trying desperately to crowd their way into this new relationship, but Katie said,

“Did someone tell you that you were a whore?”

“Yes,” she said through her tears. She was weeping by now, her shoulders heaving from the heaviness of the sobbing. Rocco jumped up in her lap and nuzzled her cheek, licking away her tears.

“Someone you trust?” Katlyn nodded, unable even to speak at that point.

“Someone you respect…someone you love?” She nodded again, wiping her tears with her sleeve.

“So, since someone you trust and respect called you a whore, you must be one, is that right?”

“Yes…yes…it must be…he said so.”

“Who said you were a whore, Katlyn?”

“MMmmy ddad.”

Normally, Katie (and Ben for that matter) would have slowed down, but this one word uttered by this one important person was the crux of the matter.

“Did he say why he thought you were a whore?”

“Yes,” she said and began sobbing once again, causing Rocco to once again give her more attention. Under some circumstances, this might be considered unprofessional, but Rocco’s attention was one small way that God was providing a demonstration of unconditional love for this sweet, damaged girl who had been bound up by the expectations and conditions and demands of others.

“What did he tell you?”

She thought for a moment, but instead of answering the question, she collapsed in tears, burying her head in the bolster of the couch, as if by covering her face, it would cover the undue and underserved shame that precipitated her father’s rejection and distain. She couldn’t speak, but her memories overwhelmed her like a torrent.

“It’s really okay, Joey. Your mommy and daddy don’t mind. And you know they wouldn’t lie.” Joey’s namesake, Joseph, his father’s younger brother, was sitting on Joey’s bed. Joey was standing in the middle of the room, wearing one of his sister’s party dresses.

“It’s a game we can play. Just you and me; a special game; I promise I won’t tell anyone.” The layers of deception were being formed, almost like bricks carefully and skillfully put in place by a master mason. The next brick was put into place.

“Now you can’t tell anyone either, then it wouldn’t be our special secret.”

“But…” Joey began to say, but his uncle cut him off with soft words.

“Really, Joey, It’s okay. Your mom says she thinks you’re pretty. Don’t you want to make your mom happy?” Joey would have done anything to make his mom happy. His father was a gruff impersonal man who rarely gave his son attention, and his mother doted on him and his sister both.

The wall of secrecy grew higher as Joey’s uncle built up the lies by mixing them with just a little truth.

“Remember Halloween? She said, just look at my little Girl Scout.” The incident was meant to be entirely silly and fun, they had thought, but his uncle was like a hawk looking for a stray field mouse.

“Do you know what little girls do to be nice?” Joey wouldn’t have known; no child would. His uncle took him by the hand and led him to the bed. Evil became sugar-coated that day, and many days and months to follow. What started out already horribly as innocence lost continued as the child became twisted and warped, through no fault of his own.

It was a nice summer day when Marco Carlucci came home in the middle of the afternoon when his boss let everyone go early after the company picnic. He came home to find his son dressed in his sister’s clothing. He was reaching over to unzip his uncle’s pants, when his father yelled. Joey’s uncle feigned sleep, and acted as if he was horrified and disgusted by the boy’s behavior. Marco believed his brother and beat the child with his belt until welts appeared on his legs.

“You little faggot; you whore!” The words echoed throughout the house, but not loud enough to drown out the wailing of the poor child. And like we’ve seen elsewhere, the crying was loud enough to startle the neighbors, but not nearly important enough for anyone to intervene.

Over quite a few sessions over the next few months, all of this came out, along with Katlyn’s history of promiscuity. This is not a harsh indictment of the girl, only an observation of behavior that is not uncommon among children who have been sexually abused. And perhaps her behavior could also be explained by her need to find someone, anyone who would accept her.

The three recent men in her life were anything but accepting, using her and abusing her without care for her needs. It was almost as if she were a piece of furniture or an appliance to be used in the running of the household. And as we’ve noted, she continued the behavior because it was the only pattern she had. Rejection followed by demands with promises of acceptance, only to be met with more rejection, prompting more obeisance and loss of self.

“Can you see how they used you?” Katlyn and Dr. Kelly had discussed this the last time they met, and it was a jumping off point for what they would talk about that day.

“They never really cared for me.” She wept, but her tears were not overwhelming as before. In fact, some anger was mixed with the sorrow of rejection. To be sure, she would not be healthy unless she became angry; even if she needed eventually to release that anger; it needed to be acknowledged first.

“Dr. Kelly…Katie…can I ask you a question?” Katlyn looked as if she were going to recede into the couch. Katie nodded and Katlyn continued.

“How were you able to forgive your father for what he did to you and your mother?”
Katie had briefly shared her own story, and how she forgave her own abuser. Katie had never been sexually abused like Katlyn, but endured the verbal and physical abuse of her father as both her Katie persona and her other self, Ben Kelly.

“I wasn’t able to.” She said; which caused Katlyn to squint in unbelief. “I needed to accept forgiveness for my own part for my hate and my resentment of my father before I was able to forgive him. I acknowledged my own problem first.

“But it isn’t fair” She said, her face growing red with anger.

“No, sweetheart, it wasn’t fair at all. What your uncle did to you, what your father chose to believe about you; no, it wasn’t fair. May I ask you a question?”

“Yes…” She looked askance, as if the question would be painful, which it actually proved to be, if only momentarily.

“Has hating your uncle or your father made you feel any better about yourself?”

“But….”

Katie leaned forward and said softly and with as much love as she could manage,
“Are you any better, sweetheart, with all that bitterness and anger inside? Do you see how much hold…how much of a slave to your uncle you still are? Can you let go, honey?” Anyone can ask anyone anything, but words only have meaning when the questions are asked by someone who actually cares about the one who answers more than the answer itself. Katie’s eyes were filled with tears as she held the girl’s hands in hers and continued.

“As long as you hold onto your bitterness, you cannot have the means to grasp what God has for you.” She was rubbing the girl’s hands like your mother might if you’ve been left out of a party or a game with friends. Solace and comfort while still holding her accountable. No one had ever challenged Katlyn before; sadly, her sole comfort for years had come from misplaced pity instead of understanding and encouragement. In this one moment; perhaps too unrealistic for some to accept, Katlyn saw her own need for forgiveness, as well as the need to forgive, and she wept as she began to release her resentment and bitterness.

To say that she was healed would be folly; it wouldn’t take forever, but some things only heal with time. Forgiveness sometimes comes in spurts and waves; a recollection of a hurt followed by a vow to let go. A long-forgotten memory resurfaced only to be released. And all opportunities but still choices. With this choice to forgive the unforgivable, her healing; such as it was; had begun. And she was about to discover that with her healing came restoration, and from an entirely unexpected source.

A tall dark haired woman entered the store. Lainey immediately felt intimidated, and who wouldn’t? The woman was strikingly attractive and very athletic, almost a darker version of Lainey’s wife April. She was, in fact, April’s former girlfriend Terri, and she had come to the store to renew old acquaintances.

“Does April Colavito work here?” Terri said with a smile. Lainey wanted to shout,
“Esposito…her name is April Esposito,” but she still was shy in some ways, and just smiled and said,

“Why yes she does. Are you a friend of hers?” Lainey tried ever so hard not to sound jealous or possessive, but she did anyway. She was surprised by Terri’s next words.

“OH, gosh…you must be Lainey.” She smiled and walked up to her and hugged her, and said, “I’ve heard so much about you. You’ve got quite a reputation.”

“Reputation?” It had been months since Lainey had saved Tim Banfield’s life, and she thought most people had forgotten it by now. Actually, that wasn’t Terri’s intent at all.

“Everyone I know that knows you and April says that you are the sweetest girl they ever met. I can see why.” Terri smiled once again and hugged Lainey. “I’m so glad that April found someone so special…she’s a great girl, and she deserves the best.”

Lainey felt ashamed that she had assumed the worst about April’s old girlfriend. She was about to start to cry, which happened frequently when she was embarrassed, but a soft sound came from behind, interrupting her thought.

“OOoooh…this must be your baby,” Terri said as she looked past Lainey to where baby Diane sat in her booster seat behind the counter. “May I?” Terri said, and before she could answer, Lainey watched at Terri scooped up little Deedee (to avoid confusion with Diane Alluccio, her and April’s benefactor and business partner.

“She’s adorable…she takes after April with the hair, but she looks just like you.” She was about to gush out more compliments when April came into the store with Katlyn.

“Hey girlfriend, how’s by you?” Terri said and rushed over and gave April a big hug. April felt somewhat awkward until Terri said,

“I was just telling your beautiful bride what a cute baby you two have. I am absolutely so happy for both of you.” April was surprised. While they were not angry when they ended their relationship, it still remained a sore spot since Terri never really explained why she was leaving. She had come to the store, seeking out both April and Lainey to renew acquaintances, and would eventually provide an explanation to April for their breakup.

“Oh, I’m, sorry, this is my friend, Terri O’Hara.” April said to Katlyn. “And this is our friend Katlyn Carlucci. She’s staying with us and has been a welcome addition to the family.

Katlyn tried to back away, but Terri embraced her like a long lost friend. She tried not to, but she felt odd inside, as if something were trying to come out. Actually, it wasn’t something trying to come out as much as something coming down; her guard was coming down, an altogether good and wholesome process started with the counsel that she was receiving from Dr. Kelly. Her imprisonment was almost coming to an end, and this Rapunzel was about to be rescued by her Lady in cotton armor.

The Valley Song — by Jars of Clay

Next — Explanations and New Beginnings for Old Friends and New.