“Than your own child? How can you minister the love of God to anyone else when your own household is starving for it? Carlo and Danny spend more time at my place now than at home, and they’re not even going to your church any longer.” As angry as she could have been, Lina was more frustrated and sad than anything. And at times like this, she looked more like her late sister. Jerry found himself staring at her eyes; those same eyes that flashed in protection when the boys were little and had been bullied by some kids at school; it was as if he was looking at Louise. But even more than that, something was about to awaken in him; conviction or guilt or whatever else, and it just needed a few more words to come out.

Previously…

“I know this can’t make up for what you lost, honey, but I love you more than life itself. If Louise were still alive…” She gasped at the grief she still bore over the loss of her sister.

“Not as long as I’m alive, baby.” She stood up and walked around the table. Leaning over, she hugged Susan from behind and kissed the top of her head. And the emotion of the moment proved too painful if hopeful for both as Lina began to cry. As she wept, she sang haltingly; a blessing of encouragement and strength for the girl in her arms and perhaps herself as well. She gazed out the window, wondering where her strength came from; not so much a wonder as recalling. She leaned closer and spoke a soft, nearly silent prayer in the girl’s ear and smiled with a confidence that came from outside herself.

And it's still winter in my wonderland
I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

The McKenna home….a few weeks later…

“What do you mean; you’re not going to Dallas? Your mother tells me you’re transferring to Cornell?” Tim stood in front of his father’s desk; almost like an employee being chastised by an angry supervisor. In truth, Tim’s life had almost become that scenario, but for a brief but potent dose of reality.

“Actually, Dad, I’m not going to Cornell after all.”

“Well, I’m glad you came to your senses; your mother and I have been concerned about you lately…” His voice trailed off, leaving Tim with an in.

“Let me finish, okay?” He didn’t snap at his father, but his plea was just as urgent.

“I’m finishing out at UCC and then I’m transferring to Drew University.”

“What…why would you go there; you know what kind of school it is.” Pat shook his head.

“I know exactly what ‘kind’ of school it is, Dad. That’s why I’m going there. It was good enough for Grandpa so I figure…”

“You figure? You choose them over Dallas? Their seminary is as liberal as they come, Tim. Come on. You can’t be serious.”

“I am, Dad. Maybe for the first time in my life. As far as liberal goes? I’m not thinking about labels at this point.”

“You should. You’ve been hanging around with the wrong crowd over at Union, and I can see it’s affected you.”

“For the better, Dad. What was it Grandpa used to say? ‘Don’t worry about asking God questions? He already knows what you’re gonna ask and he’s not insulted at all. He’s quite big enough to handle whatever is on your heart.’”

“You can’t! I won’t allow it.”

“I will, Dad. I’m sorry, but I just don’t see things the way you do. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, but I have to do this.” Tim paused once again.

“It’s Jerry’s son, isn’t it. Displaying the love of Christ and endorsing sinful behavior are two different things, Tim. You know what the Bible says about people like him.”

“No, Dad. Actually I don’t. I see nothing in anything you quote or write about or preach that says anything about Susan Albanese. She’s a child of God; that much I know.” Whatever Pat took away from his son’s words were driven by what he thought he saw in the young man’s face; an assumption which pushed his anger to the surface.

“Do not presume to lecture me about Scripture. I was preaching way before you were born, Son. And please tell me that your compassion for this boy doesn’t go beyond the love of Christ!” Tim hadn’t meant at all to push his father, so to speak. And there wasn’t anything beyond just friendship between the two, but his father’s bullying shoved him back and he decided to strike back, saying what he felt would hurt his father the most.

“There’s compassion for her, of course, Dad. But so what if it goes further than that!” Tim had no interest in Susan, but he backed himself into a corner; a corner that would trap not only him but come to hurt Susan Albanese.

“You mean to say….” Pat’s face grew pale.

“Yeah, Dad. I think I love her.” Whatever true love was hidden inside would be pushed down and hidden by selfish motives as Tim began something that he would ultimately need another to finish; albeit with a lot of heartache.

I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already it might just make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue
And all the clouds don't ever change the shape of who I am to you
I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone

The church offices, the following week…

Jerry was sitting at his desk, going over his visitation calendar when he heard a rap on his doorjamb. He looked up to see Lina standing at the doorway.

“I suppose you want to lecture me? Really, Lina? Anger really doesn’t become you. What do you want?” For a man who practically adored the woman’s sister, Jerry couldn’t be more dismissive if he tried. It may have been partly because he was disappointed in a way that Lina had taken Mark in. His son would find it easier to walk away from the truth, he felt, with her enabling him to continue the farce of living like a woman. The ‘tough love’ approach seemed to be a spectacular failure in that regard.

But more so, even if Jerry was unwilling to admit it, Lina reminded him of Louise. And that reminded him of his loss. In a way, he almost blamed Lina for her sister’s death, since no one, including Lina, had been a bone-marrow match for Louise. And Lina and Louise may have been born months apart and have borne only a bit of resemblance, but both were cut from the same cloth of understanding and compassion. Sisters who loved deeply and with great care for everyone they knew. And that was almost too much for Jerry to bear.

“I’m here to talk with you, Jerry. No lectures. I promise.” If she had been angry, she certainly wasn’t showing it. What Jerry failed to understand is that while he had become increasingly bitter over his loss, Lina had allowed her grief to shape and push and prod whatever was needed to make her even more loving and understanding. And she kept short accounts, as some might reckon; she had learned to set aside disappointment even while seeking to change things for Susan. Whatever anger there remained was righteous, measured, and well-intended.

“I don’t need a lecture, Lina,” Jerry said, completely missing her words.

“Jerry. I’m not here to upset you. Please hear me out.” She sat down in the chair across from his desk.

“What do you want?” He looked down at his desk as if the paperwork was calling; still overwhelmed with the urgency of schedules and visits and conferences was more important that the people those things addressed.

“Your daughter misses you, Jerry. She’s doing well in so many other ways, but her heart is broken.”

“Good… a broken and contrite heart is a good thing.”

“Apart from what we all deal with…all of us…” She paused and turned away, not wanting to be angry.

“She has nothing to be contrite for. Her heart is broken over the rejection she’s still dealing with. Do you know what it’s like to be rejected, Jerry?”

“Our Lord was rejected….a man of sorrows.”

“Listen to yourself, Jerry. Do you even remember what that means? He understood because he knew what it was like… your daughter is nearly twenty and is as talented an archer as anyone in the state. She could go further, but the constant pain of rejection has sapped her of any joy. She’s still a great student; she nearly made the Dean’s list. But it’s hard to stay focused when you feel separated. What did she do to deserve all this hatred, Jerry?”

“I don’t hate her…him…” Jerry’s face grew red at his own words.

“You’re withholding love, Jerry. That’s almost worse.”

“You can’t tell me….”

“I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. I’m glad to be a part of her life, but it doesn’t make up for your ….neglect. You care more about this,” Lina paused again and pointed to the pile of paperwork on the desk.

“Than your own child? How can you minister the love of God to anyone else when your own household is starving for it? Carlo and Danny spend more time at my place now than at home, and they’re not even going to your church any longer.” As angry as she could have been, Lina was more frustrated and sad than anything. And at times like this, she looked more like her late sister. Jerry found himself staring at her eyes; those same eyes that flashed in protection when the boys were little and had been bullied by some kids at school; it was as if he was looking at Louise. But even more than that, something was about to awaken in him; conviction or guilt or whatever else, and it just needed a few more words to come out.

“You pushed her away because of Louise, didn’t you?” Lina put her hand to her face and wiped away the tears that had begun to stream down her cheeks.

“No…no, Lina. You’re wrong!”

“Susan reminds you of Louise, doesn’t she? Even when she was Mark, there was something about her; that love and understanding and even forgiveness when things didn’t go her way; that determination to see things through. Do you realize that in only a few years, you’ve managed to break that spirit, Jerry? You are so caught up in your own anger and bitterness that you pushed away the one person who could show you just what you need? How could you do that, Jerry? What….”

“Don’t…please don’t, Lina.” Jerry’s eyes widened in fearful recognition.

“What would Louise say to you if she was still alive, Jerry? I don’t know what she can see from her vantage point, but have you broken her heart as well?” It was all Lina could say before she began to sob. She put her head down on the desk and cried. A few moments later she felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up into Jerry’s tear-filled eyes and knew something…perhaps someone….had touched her brother-in-law’s heart. She sat up and touched his cheek with her left hand. He swallowed hard and shook his head.

“How….how can she ever forgive me?” The first time is always the hardest, one might say, but in that simple pronoun Jerry had acknowledged his wrong and his need and his shame.

“I think you already know the answer to that question, Jerry,” Lina said finally. Jerry shook his head once more; an ever-retreating doubt replaced by an understanding that grace isn’t earned; it’s bestowed. The beginning of which he felt as Lina stood up and hugged him and kissed his cheek.

“I forgive you, and I know she will, too.” It was all too much for the man to bear as he practically fell into Lina’s arms, sobbing over every bit of anger and bitterness that he foolishly held for so long.

Union County College, in front of the Psych building….

“Hi.” Tim sat down on the bench next to Susan. She moved sideways to the end but turned and spoke nervously.

“Oh…hi, Tim. How are you?”

“I’m okay. Say, I wondered. A bunch of us are going to see the next Hobbit movie. You want to come?” He smiled and leaned just a bit closer.

“I…I guess so.” She sighed and looked away, hoping only a little bit. He touched her arm.

“We’re going over to Fabio’s afterwards.”

“Are you sure no one will mind?” Her ever-present distinction intruded into the conversation and she turned away.

“Everyone is fine with you. Not everyone is like my Dad.” He shrugged his shoulders before adding.

“I’m not like my Dad any more. I’m sorry it took so long to figure it out.” There really had been nothing to ‘figure out,’ other than how to reckon the difference between being Christian and being Christ-like.

“Okay.” Her tone was cautious; the past few years had seen her lose much of her innocence and too much of her faith. She smiled weakly at Tim and he returned her favor with a hug; unexpected but still welcome.

“I’ll pick you up at five and we can meet everybody at the theater.”

The Hadley Regal Cinema, South Plainfield, later that afternoon….

The lights had dimmed and the murmurs quieted down as the coming attractions began to play; leaving the theater with a dull glow of colors. Susan sat upright in her seat; her hands gripping the armrests like she was on a roller coaster. She turned to her right and was greeted with a warm smile from Noorah, a girl in her psych class. Turning to her left, she noticed Tim had folded his arms and was sunk down in his seat. She took a deep breath and settled in as well, waiting for the movie to start.

The movie was barely started when she felt Tim’s arm drape softly over her shoulder. She glanced to the right and noticed his expression seemed softer; almost relaxed. She sighed and let her head rest on his arm. After what seemed like only minutes Susan felt Tim’s arm move. She looked up at the screen only to see the closing credits obscured by people moving out of their seats. She stood up slowly and noticed Tim smiling at her.

“You missed a lot,” he said and laughed softly as he stood.

“I…guess I’ll just have to wait until it comes out on DVD.” She smiled weakly as her face grew warm.

“Well, apart from a fire-breathing dragon, orcs and trolls, and a lot of peril, you really didn’t miss much,” he teased as he offered his hand. She took another breath and grabbed his hand as he escorted her to the aisle. She still felt a little dream-like and even a bit woozy. A couple of boys cut in front of Tim on the aisle and stopped abruptly as Susan bumped into him. He caught her before she fell, leaving them face to face as their lips brushed slightly. She pushed away and ended up falling into the seat behind her. He offered his hand and she waved him off, but after a brief struggle accepted his help. The lights had yet to come up in the still-crowded theater, and the dim glow of the screen thankfully did nothing to illuminate the bright red glow on her cheeks.

“Can you just take me home? I don’t know … I’m not hungry. Sorry.” She spoke in a loud whisper as they emerged into the brightly lit-parking lot. Tim looked at her and shook his head.

“Come on…it’ll be fun.” He hadn’t even acknowledged what took place in the theater, and the expression on his face seemed almost disappointed with her. A moment later they were joined by several of their friends.

“You two coming?” her friend Noorah said. She smiled and turned to another girl just exiting the theater; another of Susan’s classmates from Psychology. The other girl looked at Susan and nodded to Noorah, leaving Susan wondering what the exchange was about.

“Yeah, we’re coming,” Tim said as he grabbed Susan by the elbow. She shrugged her shoulders and walked to the car.

In front of Fabio’s Restaurant, Fanwood, New Jersey, shortly thereafter….

“Well,” said Noorah, “It looks like you two had a good time.” Susan shrugged her shoulders once again as she felt her cheeks grow warm. Tim tilted his head and squinted his eyes before saying slowly,

“Two? Oh…. No…. you thought? Susan’s just a friend.” He turned to her and smiled weakly. It would have been hard enough listening to his denial, but the emphasis on the word, ‘just’ was too painful to hear.

“Tim?” She practically pled for new, much brighter and hopeful words. He shook his head.

“I… It wasn’t a date. I’m sorry you got that impression.” No explanation would have been much better than an embarrassing moment in front of her friends and classmates. She turned away as her face grew hotter. Tears welled up in her eyes and she breathed out before turning back again to face him and everyone else.

“I’m not feeling well. I think I’m going to just go home.” She stepped closer to Noorah and spoke.

“Thanks for thinking of me. I guess I’ll see you in class on Thursday.” She pulled out her cell and hit a preset.

“Aunt Lina? Can you pick me up in front of Fabio’s? No… I’m not feeling well…no….” She paused and looked over at Tim. He returned her gaze with an almost foolish grin before turning away.

“Yes…yes…okay….” She closed the phone and put it in her purse. The tears had begun to flow again; likely the product of too much hurt and a comforting voice on the other end of the call. She turned to Noorah and smiled again before walking over to the bus shelter in front of the restaurant. Noorah turned to her girl friend and spoke.

“You guys go inside. I’ll be in in a few, okay?” She walked over and sat down next to Susan. A half-hour later, Lina pulled up by the shelter and Susan got in, but not before getting a warm hug from Noorah. A moment after that they were gone. Noorah walked into the restaurant and stood at the table and faced Tim.

“You used her.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” he said even as the truth of what she said began to dawn on him.

“You wanted to show everybody how much you changed so you brought her along with you. She was just a prop to you in your stupid drama with your father, wasn’t she?” He went to speak and she held her palm up.

“No… I’m so glad you’re such a tolerant, enlightened person, Tim. Too bad you’re such a dick!” She shook her head.

“I’m not hungry either. I’m gonna go home.” She turned to Sandy, the other girl from their Psych class.

“I guess I’ll see you on Thursday, too. Nite everybody.” She said it while pointedly ignoring Tim. In a few minutes everybody had left the restaurant; their checks paid and their food half eaten. Tim sat by himself at the large table wondering what had just happened. His dawn was over and his day of enlightenment had just begun as he shook his head in not so blissful ignorance.

I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone
When I catch the light of falling stars my view is changing me
My view is changing me
My view is changing

To be continued…

Waiting for the World to Fall
Words and music by
Charlie Lowell, Dan Haseltine,
Matt Odmark, and Stephen Mason
performed by Jars of Clay
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95jqwgWLZpQ