Previously…

She looked back at her reflection once again; not anything like what she remembered. Only a few days ago virtually no one had ever ‘seen' Tim as anything but a boy. Her father saw a son in whom he could invest as the heir and successor to his pastorate. Her mother saw only a weak boy who practically mirrored her personality; gruff and dismissive to everyone but dying a little inside every day from self-hatred.

“No,” she said sadly as she released the self-embrace. She walked over to the door and closed it. Shaking her head, she went over to the bed and fell into it as she wept.

A while later

Lina walked in from the kitchen door and placed two bags on the table. Susan came in from the living room.

“Has she come down yet?” Lina said as she looked at the stairs.

“No…It’s been pretty quiet,” Susan shook her head and continued.

“We figured we’d give her some space. The boys were running late anyway. You want me to go get her?”

“No, honey. I think I’ll go up and talk with her, okay?” Lina took a deep breath and walked upstairs. As she walked down the hall, she heard voices coming from Tim’s room. She knocked on the door softly.

“Tim? Can I come in?” She heard nothing other than the voices. She pushed open the door and walked into the darkened bedroom; the only light the dim glow of the time display of the clock radio. She walked over to the bed and noted the loud broadcast of some local sports show. Leaning down, she clicked off the radio and turned to the figure lying in the dark face down on the bed.

“Tim? Honey? Did you want to come down for dinner?” Lina turned on the bedside lamp. She reached down and put her hand on Tim’s shoulder, still a bit wary after the past day’s events. The girl stirred a bit and then turned over. The soft light of the lamp revealed that Tim’s face was red and tear streaked. What little makeup the girls had helped her with earlier in the day had been hastily wiped off, and her hair was combed back.

“Tim? Are you all right?” Lina saw that the girl was at least ‘intact’ in a way, but something seemed wrong. She then noticed that the brightly colored nursing tunic Tim had worn was lying at the foot of the bed along with the girl’s bra. Tim went to sit up and Lina offered her hand. The girl seemed to be oblivious to the help and rose to sit on her own.

“Honey? Is there something wrong?” Tim shook her head and swung her feet off the bed. Lina shuddered in frustration as she realized what had taken place while she had been out. The girl still wore the scrub pants from before but had changed into a nondescript teen shirt.

“I’m….I’m not hungry,” Tim practically snapped at Lina. She went to stand and Lina offered her hand only to be ignored once again. The girl seemed to have retreated somehow and the boy had returned, if only to assert some sort of defense against the confusion and hurt of the past day. Tim stood up and walked into the bathroom and closed the door. A few moments later a figure stood at the bathroom doorway; back lit by the mirror light.

“I….I’m sorry.” The boy seemed unsure even as the words came out. Lina stepped closer and Tim held out a hand in caution but pulled it back along with a head shake. The tears started to fall even as the boy retreated once more, leaving Tim almost alone in herself as the girl had yet to reemerge.

“What are you sorry for, honey?” Lina asked the question softly; an invitation rather than a demand to ease the way. The apology was likely for a myriad of things unspoken from every bit of the girl’s past all the way up to that moment, but a thing or two seemed to be driving the girl’s apology.

“I’m not…I don’t know who I am.” The voice seemed to echo the boy’s tone, but the demeanor was all girl. She put her hand to her face.

“It’s okay, honey. We’ll figure it out together, okay?” Lina spoke even as she crossed the rest of the distance between her and Tim, drawing the girl into a welcoming hug. The girl offered no resistance and accepted the safety of the embrace.

“I’m not a boy….why can’t they understand?” She said haltingly between sobs. Lina patted Tim on the back and looked off; seeking a vision of the church that stood miles away but lurked in a sense just outside the girl’s heart.

“I don’t know, honey. I’m so sorry,” Lina said as she stroked the Tim’s hair. After a few moments the girl’s sobs had grown softer. Lina stepped back a bit and brushed the girl’s tears with her hand.

“Why don’t we just take it a bit at a time, okay? We have all the time you need.”

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry….” The words came softly as the girl buried her face in Lina’s chest and began to sob once again, softly without much energy; almost in resignation at the girl’s own existence as much as anything she might have done or failed to do. In the quiet of the soft crying Lina heard a soft knock at the doorway. She turned to find Susan standing in the hallway.

“We’re all going to go over to the boy’s place. I’ll be back later after Noorah goes home, okay?” Susan whispered and half-smiled. Lina beckoned her niece to draw closer; letting her know her presence was welcome. Susan walked over and stood next to the two; placing her hand on Tim’s shoulder. The girl turned to find Susan smiling through the beginnings of her own tears.

“I know….shhhhhh…..it’s going to be okay,” Susan said as she drew Tim into a hug. The girl nodded slightly; her look one of tearful hope rather than resignation. Susan kissed her on the cheek and said once again,

“I know, honey. I’ll be back in a while, okay?” Tim nodded slowly and bit her lip, swallowing before smiling. Susan squeezed her hand softly before walking out. Tim turned to Lina and shook her head; another apologetic gesture as she looked down at herself. The words already spoken were sufficient for the moment and Lina nodded; not in agreement at the apology but understanding why the girl would feel so sorry about merely wanting to be whom she was.

No need to talk, Lina pulled the girl into hug once again; the girl needed only one thing for the moment as she began to sob once again. Lina patted the girl softly on the back and echoed most of what Susan had said.

“Shhhhh..shhhhh…It’s going to be okay.”

Elsewhere...

Liz McKenna sat at the dining room table. A photo album lay open in front of her. She took a sip of tea from a Cinderella mug; likely the only bit of whimsy present in the McKenna home. She stared at one photo in particular and breathed out a sigh. A picture of Tim at five years old, The boy held up a hand-made card; the brightly colored picture featured “Happy Birthday Daddy” in purple crayon. Liz turned her gaze to the mug in her hand and shook her head at the irony of picture; the young lady practically a stranger in her own home.

“I’ve got to run out to the hospital, okay?” Pat said as he hurried into the kitchen

“Joe Ewing’s daughter was in a car accident and they asked me to stop by.” Without a word, Liz avoided facing him. She watched as he rushed out the back door; angry at his care for everyone’s family but his own. She stared at the door and spoke.

“You haven’t even asked about your son…. Our son….”

She looked at the picture; the card had been practically ignored for nearly a week as Pat’s pastoral duties caused him to miss the birthday surprise Tim and Liz had prepared; one of many disappointments they both endured. But it went further than that when he had remarked almost dismissively that a Cinderella coffee mug was just for girls. Liz shook her head; not at Pat’s insensitive remark in a history of insensitivity. And not even for going along as Tim’s soul had been crushed by Pat’s dogmatic insistence.

She was angry that she was guiltier than her husband, since his actions were driven by foolish pride and ignorant complacency, while Liz, on the other hand, had suspected things were different for Tim. His almost dissociative expression of the young angry man that mirrored his father was so far from the sweet child Liz had practically raised on her own. The kindness and care that Tim almost by nature exuded was suppressed; not merely by the ignorance of the father but by the sad acquiescence of the mother. A mother who had known almost from the start that she had birthed a daughter and not a son.

“I’m so sorry….” Liz spoke to the photo. She stopped in mid-sentence, recalling with sadness and shame that her child never heard the name Liz held in her heart for nearly twenty years. She bit her lip as tears spilled off her face. She had every right to be angry with herself over her failure to protect and nurture her child and could only hope that her child…her daughter would forgive her.

“I’m so sorry….”

Back at Lina's place, later that evening...

Susan sat on the couch; her legs curled under her and her head tilted a bit forward in attention. Tim sat next to her; head against the back of the couch with arms folded in a self-hug. Lina sat in a dining room chair facing Tim; the coffee table had been set aside and Lina’s legs practically touched Tim’s as she spoke softly.

“I’m here and so is Susan. We’re here for you, honey.” Lina turned her head in a sideways glance toward Susan. The young woman shrugged her shoulders but smiled as if to say, ’I’ll give it a try.’

“You can stay here as long as you like. And don’t worry about anything. What we have is yours.” She raised her eyebrows in question and Tim nodded, but quickly turned away. Lina took a chance and placed her hand on the girl’s knee.

“I know we can’t take the place of anyone, honey. I’m sorry for that. But we’ll be as best a family as we can be for you. Susan and me and Noorah and Carlo and Danny; we can all be here for you. At the mention of each name, it seemed that Tim’s reserve seemed to lessen, but she winced when Lina mentioned Danny’s name. Lina turned to Susan only to receive yet another shrug.

“You’re welcome here.” Tim shook her head and spoke. The boy in her peeked out a bit; oddly reticent to talk unlike the persona the girl had projected to everyone for so long.

“I….I can’t….it isn’t right.”

“What isn’t right, honey?” Susan touched the girl’s arm; evoking a wince. Tim looked away from both and spoke.

“I ….I don’t deserve…. I was so….I’m such a…..” Her voice trailed off to a barely perceptible whisper, but the last few words echoed what she had been saying about herself; not only to them in the past several hours but likely what she told herself every day of her recent life. Lina shook her head and reached over; touching the girl’s cheek with a near caress.

“No, honey…. You’re not….you’re ….” She paused, searching for the right words. As odd as it might have sounded, she spoke something that duplicated the words the girl had heard from her father to everyone else but his own child.

“You’re fearfully and wonderfully made….no matter what anyone has ever told you. You’re just as important as anyone else.” Another oddity; the boy had projected a persona that insisted he was better than everyone else because the whole person had never felt as good as anyone else, and certainly never good enough for her father.

“No….I’m worthless….I’m a sinner.”

“We all are, Tim….everyone of us does things and says things or fails to do and say what we should….we’re all flawed and all wonderful at the same time.” Susan said, surprising herself. She had received the same harsh message from her own father for years. And despite their reconciliation before her father’s death, she still struggled with feelings of self-worth. That balance of being neither worse or better than anyone else. She smiled at Lina who nodded with a return smile; an encouraging expression that helped Susan know she was exactly on the right track. Tim’s demeanor seemed to soften and she turned to Susan.

“I was so ….. you didn’t deserve..”

“No I didn’t, but I already forgave you….” She measured her next words carefully; that desire not to go too far or wide of her intent.

“Before I knew you were who you are, right? I didn’t forgive you just because you asked, Tim. I forgave you because you asked without any expectation. You didn’t demand or expect, but you were truly sorry, and that’s before I knew that you weren’t that boy….at least not just the boy I knew, but the person inside you had always wanted to show everyone.” Tim’s eyes widened in surprise.

“There aren’t any conditions to being my friend, Tim… We knew each other before all of this started coming out…for both of us.”

“I’m so sorry…..”

“I know you are….but we need to set that aside now…..we are who we are, for better or worse, and we have folks who love us…..I love you, Tim…. We love you….” Susan paused and used her gaze to indicate Lina.

“Now it’s time to love yourself, okay?”

“Really?”

Tim’s voice seemed to echo a time when she was little; the little girl who never saw the light of day only to grow up as a confused boy who really had been a daughter instead of a son. It truly was almost too good to be true. She put her hand to her face; that gesture that says I can’t believe this; it will all go away when I remove my hand. She wiped the tears that remained and looked back and forth between Susan and Lina in near disbelief. Years of unrealistic and even harmful expectations fell away like a false wall; revealing the beautiful art hidden beneath.

“Really…..” Lina and Susan voiced almost at the same time.

“Wh….what do I do next….where….what….” Tim stammered. Lina touched her knee again and smiled.

“Shhhh…..one day at a time.” It was almost a trite saying borne of years of recovery, but Lina’s words were entirely true for her and would hopefully be for Tim as well.

“I…..I think I need to do something….” Tim spoke tentatively, as if her timetable required some sort of permission from her friends. Lina nodded and spoke.

“Whatever you think is best, honey.” At the word ‘honey’ Tim nodded; as much as in disagreement as not in an odd way. She bit her lip, seeking the words to describe how she felt.

“I….I like….it’s….the word honey?” She began to cry softly. Lina shook her head slightly at Susan, wondering what the girl meant.

“I’m sorry, Tim… If that makes you uncomfortable? I just wanted you to know I care.”

“I….I know you care….I’m sorry.” She apologized.

“Oh, honey….Tim? You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s okay….” Susan spoke for them both.

“I…..I know…. It’s just….my name…..”

“Yes?” Lina’s tone was inviting; giving the girl a permission of sorts.

Susan tried not to be too excited. The girl’s name was important in a way that went beyond just not fitting the person she was becoming but also the person she had always been. Timothy fit for the time even if it had become awkward and perhaps even a burden, but it had meaning to the girl at the very start. Both Susan and Lina nodded as the girl continued.

“I…. I want to change my name….” Her hand went to her face; needless embarrassment that was short-circuited immediately by Lina’s touch to the girl’s face.

“Yes…..?” Nothing else but an affirming word and a soft touch gave the girl the permission she needlessly but understandably sought as she spoke.

“My name is Hope.”

Next: Love is Always Hopeful